Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - The Crane Mutiny

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Sam, I found an apartment.
Hey, good for you, Woody.
It's got everything I ever wanted.
SAM: What's that? A living room and a bedroom.
Dare to dream there, Woodman.
Isn't this in Chinatown? I don't think so, Sam.
Well, yeah, I think it is.
Did there seem to be a lot of Chinese restaurants around? Yeah, I guess.
And, uh, a lot of, uh, signs hanging hither and yon in Chinese there? Yeah, come to think of it.
Yeah, lots of Chinese people walking around on the street, I suppose.
Yeah, but that could just be a coincidence, you know? I'll tell you what I'll do.
I'll call my landlady.
If anyone would know, Mrs.
Chung would.
( piano plays ) Making your way in the world today Takes everything you've got Taking a break from all your worries Sure would help a lot Wouldn't you like to get away? Sometimes you want to go Where everybody knows your name And they're always glad you came You want to be where you can see Our troubles are all the same You want to be where everybody knows your name You want to go where people know People are all the same You want to go where everybody knows your name.
So, uh, Woody, how's the ol' apartment working out? Oh, great, Mr.
You know my landlady, Mrs.
Chung? Yeah.
She's teaching me a new word in Chinese every day.
The trick is to work it into the conversation smoothly.
Say, Carla, seen any interesting ( speaks Chinese ) lately? What are you babbling about, Festus? ( speaks Chinese ) is the Chinese word for "doorknob.
" Well, here's a couple of ( speaks Chinese ) right here.
SAM: Hey, Bobby.
Any new twists in the pretzel business? Hey, I haven't heard that one before, right, Sammy? ( laughing ) So you want the usual four cases? Yeah.
Excuse me.
I'm the new manager here.
So, uh, that's four, right, Sam? Mm-hmm.
I handle all the ordering around here now.
Really, Sam? So how many cases do you want? How many did he say? Four.
I want five.
She's the boss.
I'll call you later.
I saw that little wink, Mr.
Malone, and I don't appreciate it.
I'm tired of you undermining my authority.
Now I want delivery men to deal with me and me only.
Is that clear? You certainly put me in my place.
Speaking of my place, why don't you grab your negligee and join me? As disgusting as that offer is ( chuckles ) I think I'll have to decline.
And I'm taking your picture down.
Whoa, whoa, wait a sec.
You don't understand.
I mean, it's a tradition around here.
It's always hung there.
Malone, I'm afraid things are different now.
This isn't your bar anymore.
( nasally ): Things are different now.
This isn't your bar.
Don't do that.
I hate that.
( nasally ): What? I just, uh, bit my tongue, that's all.
( nasally ): Way to go, Sammy.
( groans ) ( sighs ) Give me a scotch, Woody.
Sure thing, Dr.
Hey, by the way, when you go to the restroom, I want you to notice that the ( speaks Chinese ) have been shined.
I'm hardly concerned about doorknobs at the moment.
You understood me? Yes.
It was only a matter of time.
Well, doesn't anybody care to know what I am concerned about? No.
Well, Fras, you know normally, I wouldn't give a rat's tokus about anything that happened to you, but the last guy I waited on threw up on my leg.
Now, this couldn't be any worse, right? Shoot.
It's my love life.
I'm gonna go find the guy that threw up on my leg.
What's up, Frasier? Well, Sam, this morning, Lilith and I had the worst fight we've ever had.
And I'm almost ashamed to admit it, but I I even considered striking her.
I mean, it wasn't completely without provocation.
She did throw a chair at me.
Just it's the same argument we've had all the time lately.
It Only this time, she-she issued an ultimatum.
She she said we ought to get married, or we're through.
Well, Frasier Crane does not cotton to emotional blackmail.
Frasier, propose to her.
Get it over with.
The truth is, she's got her hook in you.
Well, Sam, I'm not a fish.
I'm a man.
There is a difference.
I know that.
A fish would stand a chance.
Trust me, propose.
I couldn't, uh, help but overhear what you were talking about there, Fras.
( clears throat ): We tried like hell, but, uh, we heard it anyway.
Well, it's not that I don't care for Lilith.
It-It's just that I fear I-I tied myself to her because, well, you know, I haven't been all that successful with women.
For some reason, I don't think they find me sexy.
Get out! Guys, huh? Come on! Uh, you know, Fras, I wouldn't kick you out of bed for eating crackers.
Maybe subconsciously, I've-I've settled for Lilith because she's the only woman that ever liked me for well, not my brain.
NORM: Oh, Frasier, please.
I know of plenty of women, they-they find you attractive.
Yeah Oh, look, I know you're just being nice No.
but you see, I'm not really trying to shop around.
I mean, Lilith Sternin is a a good woman.
Strong, durable, reliable.
She'd make a hell of a radial tire, actually.
( cash register bell dings ) Oh, I'm just too young for a commitment.
You see, I haven't been with all that many women.
Especially ones with a caboose like that.
Well, Fras, uh, talk about a small world.
You know it's common knowledge around here that Miss Howe finds you très attractive.
Oh, now stop it.
She does not.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Gentlemen, gentlemen, am I blowing smoke here, or am I giving the man the straight skinny? It's true.
He's right, Frasier.
Rebecca likes the cut of your jib.
Well, the Cranes always have been known for their jibs.
( laughter ) No, seriously.
It's outlandish.
I mean, the woman hasn't even given me an indication.
Uh, I don't know, Fras.
You know, I think you'll find, uh, where there's smoke, there's, uh, fire.
Could I have a club soda, please, Woody? Oh, sure thing, Miss Howe.
Thank you.
Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Were we right, or were we right, huh? I mean, there must be some mistake.
What? A mistake?! She was coming on to me? No, no, she was trying to wipe something off her lip.
( chuckles ): Oh, yeah.
Doc, Doc, she talks about you all the time.
Yeah, yeah.
Look, look, if you don't believe us, uh, just go over there and ask her out.
You'll have your answer.
All right, I'll do it.
I mean, it's not like I haven't had any encouragement.
I can come hither as well as the next guy.
Is this the men's room? It's around the corner.
Oh, uh, terribly sorry.
Well, I've laid the groundwork.
I can just follow up that up tomorrow.
Oh, right now, I'm running late for dinner so I better get back.
You know, Lilith goes into a blinding rage if I'm not home the minute the meat hits the platter.
( soft chuckling ) Guys thanks for being here for me.
My compadres, huh? Yeah.
( laughter ) No, no, no, no.
That was really That was a terrible thing to do.
Yeah, uh, I-I wonder why we did it.
( laughter ) 'Cause we're a bunch of nimrods.
( laughter ) "Your hostess, Rebecca Howe.
" What is this supposed to be? Something to identify me to people who might have questions, comments or suggestions.
I saw one in a supermarket and thought it was a good idea.
I've seen headcheese in the supermarket, too, but I don't frame it.
I guess what I'm saying is, I love it.
( laughs ) I don't want to hear another word about this, Mr.
I know you have trouble dealing with a woman in a position of authority.
Whoa, wait a minute.
I resent that.
I've never had trouble with a woman in any position.
That's exactly what I'm talking about.
You give me no respect.
Now, maybe you took this job lightly when you were in charge, but I take it very seriously.
And as for you, Mrs.
LeBec, I would think that as another working woman that perhaps you would lend me some support.
Instead of always sniping behind my back.
What do you see we just wipe the slate clean here and start a new era of mutual support? Wonderful idea.
You know, I don't think we're ever going to able to look at you the same way again.
Good evening, gents.
Carla, how about some suds there? Yup.
Hey, Fras, what's up? Well, my spirits for one thing.
I've just told Lilith that I want my freedom, so that I can pursue the fair Rebecca.
Wait a minute, now, wait.
You dumped Lilith, 'cause of what Cliff said? What I said? You're the one Gentlemen, gentlemen.
There's plenty of credit for both of you.
You two opened my eyes, made me realize that there are other fish in the sea.
So what did Lilith have to say when you flushed her? Well, I don't actually know yet.
Uh, I was going to tell her face-to-face, but then I thought that an eloquently written letter would be a bittersweet reminder of what we had together.
You chickened out? Precisely.
Well ( claps hands ) to the hunt.
Yes? Hello, Rebecca.
Why do I suddenly feel nervous as a schoolboy? Uh Well, let me-let me come directly to the point by telling you that you couldn't have chosen a more opportune moment to declare your feelings.
Let me assure you, the feeling is mutual.
I've just recently rid myself of an entanglement.
I find myself free to ask you if you'd like to join me for dinner.
Who are you? My God.
What have I done? You leaving so soon, Dr.
Crane? Yes, Woody, I've got to convince the woman I love that I'm not a complete ass.
Good luck! Oh, thank God.
LILITH: What was that, Tootsie Roll? I said, uh, thank God I'm home.
I couldn't agree more.
How was your day at the office? It was fine.
How was yours? Delightful.
Here, I'll just make us a couple of drinks, and then we can start relaxing.
Where is the envelope you left for me on the table? Envelope? What envelope? Frasier.
It's wicked of you to tease me.
I saw it, but wanted to save it to open while you were here.
It's probably either tickets to the ballet or the symphony.
Or perhaps one of those cards with a handsome couple walking hand in hand on the beach at sunset that I cherish so.
You know, that is exactly what it was.
( chuckling ) Good Lord, I guess I'm becoming quite predictable.
You know, I'll just have to think of another way to enchant you.
I've got it.
Look, it's a flock of seagulls.
( laughing ) Let's have our drink.
Here's to the most beautiful woman in the world.
Let me guess-- you read the letter.
Yes, I read the letter, you licentious quack! And what facile tripe it is! "We both need time to grow, to develop as people.
" Who is the slut? She's no slut! What slut? Well, I mean, look, it was all a mistake.
It's just a big mistake.
Oh, you bet it is, mister.
You want your freedom?! Ha, I'll give you freedom-- from your teeth! No, Lilith! Not the Royal Doulton.
You're right.
I realize when I contemplate the destruction of property that I'm overstepping the bounds of decorum.
If there's any hope of our salvaging any of our relationship, we must remain calm and discuss this in a rational, truthful manner.
All right.
I'll be honest with you.
There was a woman.
But I am a man of honor.
I did not betray you.
Nothing happened.
You broke off our relationship for the possibility of a relationship? A mere fantasy? How flattering.
All right, I'll be honest with you.
You see, I only wanted to spare you.
This woman is a a sex-starved Circe who drew my ship onto the rocks and there I foundered.
What's her name? Well, let's just, you know, leave her name out of this.
Frasier, are we going to clear the air or continue to hold back? Unless you identify this woman, doubt and suspicion will fester in my consciousness.
Every woman I meet will provoke the question, "Is this the one, is this the one, is this the one, is this the one is this the one?" It's Rebecca Howe.
She runs Cheers now.
So, now we know the slut's name.
Please, Lilith don't you think you could forgive me? I don't know.
At this moment, my feelings for you are ambivalent.
I need to sort them out.
I'm going to go out and wander the streets aimlessly.
I'll take my usual route.
You know, I have an idea, Popsicle.
Uh, why don't I run upstairs and make us a nice warm, soothing bath, hmm? Well, Mr.
Bubble does always cheer me so.
Once begun, it's half done.
Are you sure this is okay with Miss Howe? Woody, she loves this kind of stuff.
CARLA: This is good, wholesome humor.
In fact, I bet she gives you a raise for doing such a good job.
Oh, don't stop.
I already saw it.
And I must admit, I haven't laughed so hard since junior high.
I helped.
Yeah? I want this nonsense with my picture to stop.
I did you a favor by hiring you back, and this is not a very nice way to repay me.
You're right.
You did do me a favor, and now I'm going to do you one.
I'm going to give you a tip on how to deal with people who work for you.
Lighten up a little bit.
I mean, you got to make some compromises.
I see.
You want me to hang your picture back up.
Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, that was easy.
Wait, uh let's try some more compromises here.
Um I want to sleep with you you don't want to sleep with me at all, am I right? Right.
Okay, so what's half of 25? Your I.
? Wait, uh please.
Um, I'm a little sensitive about people making fun of my intelligence.
I'm sorry.
That's all right.
But I wasn't making fun of your intelligence.
I was making fun of your lack of intelligence.
Cliffie, girl fight, 12:00 high.
Rebecca Howe? Mm-hmm.
You and I are both mature women, and I think we should handle this openly and with civility.
Believe me, I could be doing you a very big favor.
Frasier is not an easy man to live with.
He's obsessively compulsive about neatness.
The sex is good, but he pouts unless you compliment his performance.
Fortunately, his male ego can be satisfied with a simple "Thank you, Conan.
" I don't know who you are, and I don't know who Frasier is, but I do Conan? You really don't know Frasier, do you? No, I don't.
God, I'm such a fool.
How could I let him do this to me? It's all right.
It happens to everybody.
He made up this whole story just to avoid committing to me.
And the worst part is he's going to get away with it.
They always do.
Yeah, men are such a pain.
I have someone who's very special to me, but he wouldn't notice me if I set fire to my hair.
Him? ( scoffing ) No, definitely not him.
I prefer the Fortune 500 type-- one who owns blocks, not one who plays with them.
Look, they're flirting with me.
Well, I really do have work to do.
Perhaps we can have lunch together sometime.
I'd like that.
Well, good night.
Good night.
Malone, are you developing a tic? That was a wink.
Then you're developing into a tick.
And stop looking at my rear end.
Lucky guess.
Thank God you're here.
You haven't confronted Rebecca yet, have you? Hardly.
Oh, good.
How did you know where I was? Well, when I realized you hadn't come upstairs, I-I toweled off, and then suddenly, it dawned on me-- that little firebrand's gone down to Cheers to fight for her man.
See, I think it best that I do this myself, and, uh I think next week's a really good time.
You did have an affair with this woman, didn't you? That is what you told me.
Well, of course.
Well, then end it right here and now.
I need to know that it's over.
You've got to cut this off before she falls more deeply in love with you.
And you've got to let me watch.
You know, I-I've got an idea.
Let's go to Maine.
Lilith Lilith, Lilith the left-hand side of my body's gone completely numb.
You know what that means, don't you? Yes, you're stalling.
( knock at door ) It's down the hall to the left.
Thank you.
Howe, let me introduce myself.
I'm Lilith Sternin.
You don't know me, but of course this man needs no introduction.
He only needs a conscience.
Frasier has something he wants to say to you.
Listen very carefully and do what you must do.
I'm I'm sorry, Rebecca, but it's-it's-it's time it was over.
I hope you can forgive me.
Now let's go to Maine.
Frasier, don't be so heartless.
She deserves better than that.
Uh, uh, no, no, please, please, don't try to articulate your feelings.
Uh just let me say my little piece, and then I'll be out of your life forever.
Now, just remember the part about not saying anything.
I know it sounds like a cliché to to say that this is going to hurt me more than it does you but it doesn't make it any less true for you see, it is I who will be condemned never again to see your haunting eyes, your silken skin, your shimmering hair.
But it-it's time that we part.
Farewell, sweet Rebecca.
How will I live without your passionate kisses? You won't have to.
Oh, Frasier Frasier, for God's sakes, she was only joking.
Well, so was I.
Come on.
I was just playing along.
I'm a dead man.
Sweetheart? Buttercup? You were just kidding, weren't you? My joy! ( door shuts ) Lilith.
Please, uh, all I can say is please have mercy on me.
I Look, it's the God's honest truth.
Rebecca and I did not have an affair.
I wanted to, but she wasn't sure A small point, but she wasn't even sure who I am, so I didn't really want to.
Uh, my body wanted to, but my brain didn't.
Well, part of my brain did, but Well, that part's dead, and I guess what I'm trying to say is Will you marry me, make me the happiest man alive? This is obviously a ploy to get yourself out of the ridiculous situation you're in, and the answer is yes, my steed, yes.
Are you you're serious? ( laughing ) Yippee.
Hey, everybody, we're going to be married.
( cheering ) Someday.
No, soon.
Eh, we finally got those lovebirds together, huh? Yeah, just needed that little push, I guess.
( both singing ): Matchmaker, matchmaker Make me a match