Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - Paint Your Office

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
( Carla humming ) Boy, look at her.
What a glow she has.
You know, strange as it sounds, there are actually times when I resent being a man.
Ah, that's all right, Fras.
Sometimes we resent you being one.
( Sam laughs ) I was referring to Carla's condition.
You see, she's able to do something we men never shall-- experience the miracle of creating a new life.
SAM: You know, I'll have to admit.
I've often wondered what it would like to have another human being moving around inside you.
Must be spooky, but real neato.
There's probably nothing so awesome in the entire universe.
Yes, gentlemen, I'm afraid that we've been relegated to the position of observer.
Passive, sitting on the sidelines.
Doomed by nature to a life of envy.
God, feels like there's a dump truck parked on my bladder.
Well, then again, nature is wise in her way.
( piano plays ) Making your way in the world today Takes everything you've got Taking a break from all your worries Sure would help a lot Wouldn't you like to get away? Sometimes you want to go Where everybody knows your name And they're always glad you came You want to be where you can see Our troubles are all the same You want to be where everybody knows your name You want to go where people know People are all the same You want to go where everybody knows your name.
What makes me think this belongs to you? ( gasps ) My jasmine scented oriental massage oil.
Oh, God.
God, I thought I'd lost this.
I found it wedged underneath the couch cushions in my office.
I don't think I want to know how it got there.
I'm kind of curious.
Tell you what.
Why don't you, uh, put that back where you found it, and that way, we'll know where it is when we need it.
When hell freezes over.
Well, that's perfect, 'cause this stuff heats up when you rub it in.
Now, what what's wrong with her, you know? Maybe one of the chains in her underwear is twisted.
Afternoon, everybody.
ALL: Norm! Hey.
What's going on, Mr.
Peterson? Let's talk about what's going in Mr.
Beer, Woody.
How's the job-hunting going? Oh, lots better, Sam.
Today I actually got turned down for an executive position.
It's a good way to lose that.
I'm sorry, Mr.
You've been cut off.
Okay, where's the camera? This is no joke.
According to my books, you are way over your credit limit.
SAM: Well, what's the big deal? What's he over-- ten, 20 bucks? But in other words, under $900, huh? You can't cut off one of our regulars.
The poor guy is unemployed.
FRASIER: Look, Miss Howe, uh, Norm here is in a very delicate spot.
His self-confidence has been shattered.
Uh, what he needs from us now is help and support.
Isn't there some other way to resolve this problem? Well, you could pay his bar bill.
Norm, the woman will not listen to reason.
Maybe he could work it off, huh? ( laughter ) No, I'm serious.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey.
Listen, maybe there's some accounting he could do for the bar.
Our corporation's books are handled by Franklin, Sussman and Gurwitz.
Ooh, they're very good, Sam.
They canned me a couple years ago.
( sighs ) Are you good at anything? Yeah, but you cut him off.
SAM: No, no.
Come on, don't you have any other skills? I can barbecue.
Oh, hey, hey.
NORM: All right, well, I, uh I did a little house painting in college.
You know, to make ends meet.
( laughs ): Norm, Norm, Norm.
Norm, I think they're talking about a job where you get, uh, paid with money, not with little grain pellets dropped out of a chute.
Cliff, you, uh, you got something against painters? ( laughs ): No, no, no.
I I'm in favor of hiring the blithering.
( laughs ) Do do you need any painting done around here? I guess you could repaint the office.
Are you willing? It's been an awfully long time.
CLIFF: Oh, yeah, yeah.
It's gonna take you at least, what, seven or eight seconds to relearn that skill.
( laughs ) 'Cause, you know, Cliff, I'm beginning to pick up a little thread here.
Uh Ah.
Would you mind explaining this little obsession you have about painters? CLIFF: Well, all right.
Uh, well, it's manual labor.
I mean, it's beneath you, Norm.
Well, if you take a job like this, we're gonna be on entirely different social strata.
We'll have nothing to talk about, all right? Semigloss or enamel? Hey, Woody, would you close up for me tonight? I got to get home.
No problem, Carla.
By the way, I really am envious of you having a nice big family to go home to.
Oh, yeah, it's great, all right.
I got 11 people living under a roof that was meant for only six.
Gino's dog just had puppies on my side of the bed.
My daughter-in-law is driving me nuts, and somehow, my mother-in-law got a hold of our address.
You lucky duck.
( humming ) You seem to be enjoying yourself.
Oh, sorry.
Uh No, that's all right.
Oh, uh, you got a phone call here, uh Eva Ake? I could swear it was a man.
Oh, well, there's paint here.
Evan Drake.
Uh That's my boss.
What did he say? Well, he said, he, uh he wants you to tear up my bar bill.
I Well I didn't think I'd get away with that.
Uh, but, no, he said he's on his way over here.
Sometime, like, uh around nowish.
Now?! God.
Shall I, uh, comb my hair, too, or will I be leaving? This is just a business meeting.
( phone rings ) Rebecca Howe.
Oh, hello, Mr.
I thought you were-- Norm.
No, no, no, I know you're not Norm.
You're Evan.
What I meant to say was-- Get out of here.
No, no, no, not you.
You stay right where you are.
No, I swear Get out! Oh.
Hello? Well, that was fast, Mr.
Yeah, she got a phone call from Mr.
Hey, Mr.
Peterson, I really feel bad about you being cut off.
You know, I remember the good old days when you used to come in here and say something funny.
I'd pour you a beer.
You'd drink it, I'd pour you another one, you'd drink that, too.
Yeah, I remember, Woody.
So look at that-- hardly even touched.
I'll tell you, I don't normally drink beer, but, uh, I just cleaned the taps, and I wanted to make sure that everything was all right, so I had one.
It was like a mountain stream, only colder, fresher.
You know, sometimes there's nothing like a nice cold beer to really hit the spot.
Yeah, I think I read that somewhere, Woody.
You know, I-I really like this color.
I think it's gonna really spruce up the office quite a bit.
( sobbing ) Again, it's just an opinion.
Uh ( sobbing ) Is there something wrong? ( tearful mumbling ) Right.
Well, yes, I understand, of course.
Here, here, have a seat, have a seat.
Just relax.
Oh, God.
Some authority figure.
I'm sorry.
It's probably just job stress.
Oh, you shouldn't be having job stress.
You're doing a great job here.
Oh, tell that to Mr.
He said I should consider the last fiscal report a personal embarrassment.
( sobbing ) Norm, I need your help.
Uh, you just started.
You're-you're gonna do fine.
Things are gonna turn around, I swear.
Uh No, you idiot.
My hair's stuck to the wall.
( sniffles ) Oh, great.
No, no, it's really It's not, uh not that bad.
I paid big bucks to have Vera's hair frosted.
Didn't turn out half as good.
Well, maybe I better take off.
When people are upset, they they like to be alone.
I'm fine.
Talking about me.
I'm feeling a little queasy.
Oh, please stay.
I mean, this office is a real inconvenience like this.
All right.
( sniffles ) Would you, uh, would you like to talk about what just happened? No.
( sighs ) You really do seem to be enjoying this job.
Yeah, I actually do, you know? I think painting is just so vastly different from accounting.
This is real, you know? This I have some control over.
I mean, when I look back, I finish a job, I can say, "You know, I did that.
" Door must have moved.
You know, I think that this color is the exact same color as Mary Lou Sebold's car coat.
Who? This girl I had an insane crush on in the third grade.
Except she had no idea that I was alive.
I used to leave little notes for her.
"I love you.
" And one day, I finally got up the nerve to sign one, N.
The next week, she was going steady with my best friend, Nicky Petropolis.
What'd you do? The only thing I could do, really.
I went over to Nicky, and I calmly explained the situation.
Then I sat on him.
( laughs ) ( continues laughing ) Oh, God.
I think that's the first time I've really laughed since I took over here.
Oh, it is, trust me.
Why'd you tell me that story? Well, I don't know.
It's kind of late.
We're alone.
I'm a man, you're a woman.
Maybe it's the paint talking.
Norm? Yeah.
Do you find me cold? You? Cold? No.
No, I wouldn't say cold.
In the brisk area, but, uh Why? Who, uh who says you're cold? Everyone.
Well I don't think you're cold.
Really? Yeah.
I always meant to tell you that, but I didn't feel as though I could approach you.
Thank you, Norm.
Thank you.
Uh, well, I'd better get out of here.
Um, would you mind locking up for me? No, no, I don't mind at all.
Listen, would you please not, uh, mention that I like painting to the guys? Cliff already thinks I'm a weenie.
Well, from what I've seen, he's an authority.
Well And, really, thanks for letting me paint an office that clearly didn't need it.
No problem.
You're a nice man, Norm.
You're kind of nice yourself.
I guess we like each other.
Guess so.
This will just be our little secret.
Oh, yeah.
I am a little worried about the direction this bar is taking.
How so? Well, it just doesn't seem right when the stakes for a game of pool is a round of wine spritzers.
Not even the pool room is safe from the encroaching hordes of yuppiedom.
How long will it be until we're all suffocated beneath an avalanche of alligator shirts, German cars, and racquetball club memberships? Oh, oh, by the way, Sam, uh, may I have another Perrier with lime? Have a cup of coffee or something, Sam? Make it a beer.
On the house.
I say we check the office for pods from outer space.
I wonder what that's all about, huh? Look, did it ever occur to any of you that she just might be a nice woman? Oh, yeah, right.
And so am I.
( sighs ) So, how come you guys are so chummy, huh? Sorry, Sam.
Can't talk about it.
Kind of private.
Oh, give me a break.
Guys are supposed to talk about girls behind their backs.
( swallows hard ) Didn't I tell you everything about me and Diane? Well, now's your chance to thank me.
I'm not really at liberty to go into details.
Suffice it to say, Miss Howe had a little personal crisis last night, okay? Few tears were shed.
Real tears? You sure she didn't just pull a hair out of her nose? No, Carla.
She got a little sad, and I happened to be there to comfort her.
I think it really just takes a little warmth and compassion, and she warms right up to you.
Compassion, huh? Mr.
Do you realize we're running low on seltzer? I'm so sorry.
Ho-How can these things happen? Is there anything I can do? Yes, let me know next time.
Well, of course I will.
I just hope that's enough.
Are you feeling all right? Yes, thank you very much.
That's very sweet of you to ask.
Norm, I gave you my address, didn't I? Yep.
See you tomorrow.
See you.
Whoa, what was that all about? Just a little bit of painting at her apartment.
Listen, uh, you know, I can really sympathize with your situation of painting.
Uh, you know, if the fumes and everything bothers you, you can always spend the night at my place.
I don't think so.
That's it.
I say she's a guy.
Good night, Sammy.
Say, uh Norm, wait a second here.
You know you know, I like to paint.
Why don't I help you, man, you know.
( scoffs ) Come on.
I know you.
You just want to log a little sack time with her.
Come on, no.
The truth is, I just I got to find out if there's a real human being in there, man.
I-I can't keep working for a cold fish.
Please, come on.
All right.
But no funny stuff.
No, I swear to God.
I won't touch her.
I won't touch her.
I make no guarantees about you.
You've been driving me crazy in this little white outfit.
Yeah? You should see me in my caftan.
( doorbell rings ) Oh, hi, Norm.
Come on in.
Thank you.
I was just Hi.
Oh, God.
Now it knows where I live.
Sorry, I, uh, needed a helper, and when I checked around, most of the fellas expected to be paid.
And you're doing this for nothing? Well, it's an act of compassion.
I'm doing this out of the goodness of my heart.
I'd like all the wood here and the moldings done in high gloss.
You have any questions, if you need anything, I'll be in the back.
NORM: Okay.
So that's where the old bedroom is, huh? Sammy? What? I'm not doing anything.
You promised.
No, I'm fine.
All right, I want to start with, uh, sanding for you.
All right.
All right, uh, try this post right here.
I'll do a little taping.
Hey, come on.
Hey, Sam.
What? Sam, uh you have to do it with the grain, okay? Oh.
Sand with the grain.
My arm hurts when I do it like that.
Very sorry, Sam.
That's the way it has to be done, all right? I don't think I like sanding.
Just try to tape one pane at a time, all right? I don't think I like taping, either.
Hmm? It's Carla on the phone.
Your wife needs you at home right away.
Something about two feet of water in the basement.
( groans ) Oh, boy, that's serious.
That's, like, a foot more than usual.
I'm sorry.
It's just a little delay.
I'll be right back.
No problem.
Sammy, can I, uh, trust you here alone? Yeah.
Swear to God I won't touch her.
Tragic, huh? Absolutely tragic.
I beg your pardon? Oh, I just couldn't help thinking about Norm's basement.
Yes? Well, it's not just, you know, the water filling up.
You know, it's those photo albums, those old letters.
Cherished mementos, you know, ru-ruined for ( weepy ): Oh, I'm sorry.
Ooh, boy.
Oh, this is embarrassing.
I-I'm sorry.
I just, uh ( sniffles ): I can't help feeling this way ever since my dog, Lucky, died.
Something is going on here.
I'm not exactly sure what it is.
Could it be that you're jerking me around? Okay, uh ( clears throat ) I'm sorry.
It's just that there's a rumor going around the bar that you've got this soft side, and I just thought I'd like to see it for myself.
Maybe get to know you better.
I guess I ought to just Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
I want to get this straight.
You came over here on your day off to paint my living room in hopes of getting to know me better? Pretty silly, huh? What'd you want to know? Well? Um, I'm thinking.
I-I didn't think I was gonna get this far.
Uh Well, all right, all right, Um where were you born? San Diego.
San Diego.
California, huh? No, Kansas.
Come on.
My father's a captain in the Navy.
My mother's an interior designer.
My brother's a surgeon.
My other brother's an attorney.
My sister was Miss San Diego.
( mimics gagging ) The only really happy moment of my life is when I ran away to San Francisco and hung out with Grace Slick.
Do you want to know the lyrics to "White Rabbit," or can I quit now? Ah.
Boy, it sounds like some of the kids in your family are pretty successful, huh? Yeah, well, if you measure success in terms of wealth, happiness, and my father's undying devotion, maybe.
Boy, I know.
I got a brother like that.
International lawyer.
Handsome, smart, funny.
And the guy plays the piano, and he speaks four languages, flies his own jet.
( mimics gagging ) Seems like my whole life I've been trying to get out from under his shadow.
I know just what you mean.
Does he ever come in the bar? No, but, uh, I'll call him, if you'll call Miss San Diego.
They'd probably end up leaving together.
( both laugh ) Well, hell, this is kind of a warm and friendly moment, isn't it? I must admit, it's a better moment than I ever thought I'd have with you.
I'm glad this happened.
Yeah, me, too.
Me, too.
Will you excuse me a moment? Sure.
What are you going to do? I think I better change.
Who would have thought? Say, can I, uh-- great, great-- can I, uh, put on some music here? Sure, be my guest.
( jazzy music playing ) ( laughs ) ( Velcro unfastens ) I'm gonna be at the gym for a couple of hours.
But you just go right on You jerk.
Wha what? This whole thing about coming over here and painting is just another stupid attempt to get me into bed.
I-I am shocked and and deeply insulted.
I told you all that personal stuff about my brothers and my sister and me being the fattest girl in high school.
Wait a minute.
You didn't tell me that.
Well, I wasn't.
Get out.
Slow down here.
Just li I admit it.
I'm a attracted to you.
Now, what's the big deal? Is that a crime or something? You know, are you always this defensive about people who find you sexy? No, just you.
Is that right? Well you know, I'll tell you something, lady.
There was a time when I was considering making love to you, but now it's out of the question.
As a matter of fact, you know, I wouldn't make love to you if you asked me, if you begged me to make love to you, I wouldn't.
Go ahead, just ask me.
Just try it.
See what happens.
Would you make love to me? Well, okay, but just once.