Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - Bidding on the Boys

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
CARLA: Woody, here's your dinner.
Oh, thanks, Carla.
Boy, I'm going to be glad when I drop this double load.
My veins are killing me.
Your veins, huh? Yeah, varicose veins.
I had them stripped twice already.
How do they do that? Surgically.
They cut a hole in your leg, and they pull the vein out.
No kidding? Yeah, it's like pulling a long, slimy worm out of you flesh.
Gee, imagine that.
Can you believe maintaining that postcoital tristesse is gender oriented.
Do you mind, Dr.
Crane? I'm trying to eat.
( piano plays ) Making your way in the world today Takes everything you've got Taking a break from all your worries Sure would help a lot Wouldn't you like to get away? Sometimes you want to go Where everybody knows your name And they're always glad you came You want to be where you can see Our troubles are all the same You want to be where everybody knows your name You want to go where people know People are all the same You want to go where everybody knows your name.
Woody, does it look like we're going to get a good turnout for our auction? Oh, yeah.
I'll bet by now there isn't anyone in Boston who doesn't know about it.
What auction? We're having an auction? It's terrific.
It's a benefit for Children's Hospital.
All these women get together and they bid for an evening on the town with eligible bachelors.
Local celebrities, athletes.
They raise a lot of money, they do it every year, and it's a great deal of fun.
Where'd you hear about it? I must have been to one once.
Anyway, I told Mr.
Drake Who'd you bid on? I told Mr.
Drake I thought it would be great publicity for Cheers.
Who'd you bid on? And since it's for a good cause, he agreed Who'd you bid on? A hairy linebacker.
Are you satisfied? Ooh.
Oh! Were you? ( laughing ) The point is, Mr.
Drake thinks it's a great idea.
Woody So, Sammy, you going to be taking part in this auction? Are you kidding me? I hate that stuff.
It's one thing for guys to bid on chicks, but that's sick.
You know, as a matter of fact Here you go.
Excuse me.
Listen, I'm going to save you the embarrassment of asking and then being turned down.
I'm not going to be doing your auction.
So just forget it.
No way.
Not me.
Fine.
We need to create a stage.
I think right there as you walk in the door Hey, what's "fine" supposed to mean? Well, it means I hadn't planned to ask you in the first place.
Oh, well, good, good.
'Cause I really don't care for that stuff.
All right.
We need a podium.
Because the emcee is going to be standing at the podium, and all the women will be standing around Excuse me, one more time here.
Why why hadn't you planned on asking me? Well, I guess I just don't find you as irresistible as some do.
You, for instance.
But if you want to participate, you're perfectly welcome No, hey, forget it.
I'm sorry.
It doesn't matter to me either way.
I'm only doing this for charity.
You know, Vera has that carved on our headboard.
So we're agreed then, right? Just plain simple gold wedding bands.
With an exquisite marquise diamond on mine so we can tell them apart.
You give me such glee.
Here we are.
Sit here, my betrothed.
I'll go get us something to drink, and, oh, uh, exchange a few lies with my buds.
I understand.
Your daily dose of male bonding.
Well, not for much longer.
You know what's are breaking up that old gang of mine.
As a guess, I'd say hypertension and cirrhosis.
You're irrepressible.
Sam, champagne, please.
Ah, guys.
Norm, Cliff.
Won't be long now before the boys of the bar are going to have to manage without me.
Can do.
Yeah, no sweat, Fras.
Champagne, huh? Well, wild romance is a fictive term with no correlation to any actual physiological behavior.
We, nevertheless, like to humor convention by going through with these preposterous rituals.
Champagne, huh? Hey, Frasier, can I ask you something? When you and Lilith wake up in the morning, which one of you is the first to scream, "What have I done?" Well, my darling, to us.
Thank you, darling.
It's been a lovely evening.
You've revealed previously unsuspected depths of romanticism.
Well, Lilith, we have a whole lifetime of romantic evenings ahead of us, but for now, we've got to plan.
We don't have much time.
We've got to get the wedding license, have blood tests, see the lawyer draw up the prenuptial agreement, invite the guests Excuse me.
What prenuptial agreement? Well, wherein we decide what you are or are not entitled to in event of a divorce.
It's merely a safeguard.
You're already planning for the divorce? Have you selected my cemetery plot also? Well, assuming we stay together, you'll be right between me and Cousin Lemuel.
I cannot believe my ears.
This is your idea of romance? Lilith, man does not live by romance alone.
He also needs hardheaded practicality.
If your head was any harder, it would etch glass.
Where are you going? I have no intention of spending the rest of the evening, let alone the rest of my life, with a compulsive, anal retentive, chowderhead.
Now, Lilith, let's just both stop right now before we say something to spoil the mood.
Why don't you go make love to your accountant.
You know, if more people followed that advice, this world would be such a happier place.
You know, I just figured out what you're doing here.
You're using reverse psychology.
You really want me to be in that auction of yours, so you're pretending that you don't, am I right? I don't care if you're in the auction.
( laughing ) I don't care if you're not in the auction.
Yeah, right.
I have never felt more honestly and passionately indifferent about anything in my life.
I really don't care.
All right, okay, you win.
I'm volunteering, all right? I hear 200.
Three.
Okay, I have 300.
Anybody give me 350? I want 350.
No.
Okay, Going once going twice Sold for $300! ( cheering ) Okay, okay, I'm going to let you gals take a breather while we get the next big hunk up here on the block.
( cheering ) Boy, oh boy, you can call me a traditionalist, call me out of step with the times, but I prefer to get my women the old-fashioned way.
In a plain brown wrapper? Ah, women.
They can talk all they like about romance, but what it really comes down to is just pure animal lust.
Is that supposed to refer to me? If the shoe fits.
Things a little strained between you two? Oh, why should you ask that, Sam? Just because she's a pigheaded witch?! So you two kids set a date yet? This is great.
We're just $2,000 away from breaking the record.
How many guys do we have left? Just Sammy.
Oh, well.
There's always next year.
$2,000? Oh, gee, I might actually have to comb my hair.
Come on, you guys, there's no way he can get that by himself.
God, if we just had one more hunk.
All right, all right, all right.
Mr.
Clavin, that is a really sweet gesture but, um isn't there some regulation against, uh government employees in uniform participating in this kind of a thing? Oh, that is a very salient point, and one which I came within a hair of overlooking.
I thank you.
I shudder to think what might have happened.
We all do.
Woody.
Woody, what about you? You're young, single, cute.
Come on, Woody, what do you say? Oh, gosh, Miss Howe, I WOMAN: Oh, come on.
( shouting encouragement ) Come on, buddy.
I don't know, I'm going to have to give this some very serious thought.
There isn't time.
That's okay.
I'm finished.
I'll do it.
Good! All right, man.
Shucks.
I hope I'm not making a mistake.
Yeah, I know what you mean.
Being gawked at and herded around like a prized pig.
Gee, now that you put it like that.
Yeah, sounds great.
Now we have a little bonus for you ladies.
Please welcome our next eligible bachelor-- Mr.
Woody Boyd! ( cheering ) WOODY: Good evening, ladies.
I happen to be a very good chef, and your evening with me will be a wonderful home-cooked country meal with all the fixin's from my native land, Indiana.
And let me just mention my special ingredient-- pork.
And please remember, this is for charity.
Who'll start the bidding at 100? $100.
Excuse me.
200.
I have 200.
Do I hear 250? Uh, you know, I think pork might actually be out of season.
Three.
( ice rattling ) I have 300.
Do I hear 325? I'm going to go out on a limb here, Cliffie, and say this is not her first time in a bar.
I have $325.
Do I hear 350? Four.
I have 400.
Do I hear 450? You can't do that.
Okay going twice Sold to the lady right over there.
How do you do? You better be good.
Yes, ma'am.
Uh, will you excuse me a minute? I have to do a couple things before we go.
Cute little gal there, Woody.
Is it me, or is she a little scary? Woody, the electric chair is a little scary.
Hey, you know, um, Now Sam only has to reach 1,600 to break the record.
The day any woman pays 1,600 for Malone, I'll tattoo his name on my butt.
Sammy, quick, loan me 1,600 bucks.
And now, our grand finale.
Former Red Sox great Sam Malone! Come on up here, Sam.
Yeah! The big gun! Whoo! ( whooping and cheering ) Thank you, thank you.
Ladies, let's see.
( clearing throat ) Your enchanted evening with me will begin with a leisurely sunset drive up to a small, secluded oceanside inn, where we will enjoy a candlelit, romantic dinner for two.
( oohing and aahing ) SAM: Yes, yes.
And then this being the beginning of the weekend, who knows where dinner will lead? ( squealing and whooping ) EMCEE: Well, okay.
Does anyone want to start the bidding at, uh, say, $100? I meant $250.
$250! I have 250.
I have $300.
Do I have $400? We're rolling now! I see you Do we hear $600? Do I hear 650? You were saying? Okay, we have $600.
Come on, ladies, loosen those purse strings.
They stopped at $600.
Uh, no problem.
$650! Carla, where are you going to get $650? Don't need it.
See? All you got to do is goose the bidding a little bit when it starts going down.
$900! $900.
Now, do we have 950? Come on, ladies-- hot stuff here! ( laughter, whooping and cheering ) I have 900.
Do I hear 950? That's it; they're not going any higher.
No problem.
950! Carla.
I hear 950.
$1,000! I have $1,000! You can keep 'em going all night.
$1,100! We are rolling! Do I have 1,250? Oh, come on, now, ladies.
( excited conversation ) $1,250! Well, well, well.
$1,300.
Do I hear $1,300? That sly Rebecca, huh? Quite a date you're passing up, here, ladies.
I said 1,250.
Do I hear 1,300? EMCEE: Come on, now, ladies.
You heard the young lady.
Will anyone say 13? Not me.
I'm out.
She wants him more than I do.
No, please, please Going twice Please.
going for the last time.
I bid $2,000.
Sold! ( cheering ) Yes, we broke the record, Mr.
Drake.
Sam, all by himself, got $2,000.
Well, thank you very much.
Good-bye Mr.
Drake.
( sighing ) Okay, well, here you go.
It's called Larry's Sanitary Tattoo.
Make sure you ask for Frank.
He likes to do it the old-fashioned way.
You'll scream a lot.
What do you think you're doing? Helping charity.
Don't worry, it's just some money I had put aside to buy you a ring.
You are not actually going to go off with Sam to some inn on the Cape for the weekend? Why not? Did we have a prenuptial agreement to the contrary? No, of course not.
Sam, I understand we're going to the Cape.
I'll just bring the car around.
We can stop at my place, and I'll throw some things in a bag.
Actually, Lilith, you know, that won't be necessary.
Perhaps not, but I believe in being prepared.
I hope you do, too.
CARLA: Wha-ho! Sammy, looks like you're going to get your lobster boiled.
Ah, no, I'm not.
She's just doing that to bug Frasier.
Well, you know, you could always trade with Woody.
I don't think her intentions are honorable.
Sam, Sam, I I-I've got to talk to you.
You can't go through with this.
Come on, man, she's just doing it to make you jealous.
Oh, God, I'm losing her, Sam.
Oh, would you stop that? You're my friend.
I'm never going to take a woman away from you.
What about Diane? And didn't God punish me with a vengeance? Well, yes, but gee whiz, Sam Oh, come on.
Listen, wait a minute.
There's got to be You know, I'll tell you what.
You know, this ought to be a chance for me to bring the two of you together again.
What do you mean? Well, all right, l-listen.
I'll pretend to go along with the date, right? I'll rent the room, I'll get some wine, and then I'll tell her how great you are, and then pow, you burst in on us.
I do? Yeah.
Yeah, why not? I mean, you followed us up there.
It'll prove how crazy you are about her.
She'll be putty in your hands.
Well, it has a certain panache.
( cash register rings ) Yeah, here you go.
Here's the address.
Now, uh, be up there by 9:00, and, uh, just throw me out of there, man.
Show me no mercy.
By God, I'll send you packing! All right.
Ready to go, Sam? Yes, yes, you bet, yes, sirree.
Coming.
I'm eager to get somewhere we can be alone.
SAM: Oh, not half as eager as I am.
My God, look at that, Cliffie, will you? She's smoked about eight packs of cigarettes.
Where does all the smoke go? I'm waiting to see where it comes out.
You guys got any last-minute advice for me? Yeah, leave a trail of bread crumbs.
A little more bubbly here? Whatever you suggest, Sam.
I'm agreeable to anything you suggest.
Ah, well, good, good, good, because, um, quite frankly, I'd like to talk just a little bit more about Frasier.
You know, uh, one of the, uh, qualities that I admire most about him is his reliability.
He's always very punctual, isn't he? Frasier, Schmasier.
Let's have some fun.
( uneasy chuckle ) Heck of a guy, Frasier, I'll tell you.
( changing radio stations ) A lot of, uh, remarkable qualities ( smooth, sexy music playing ) ( changing radio stations ) Uh you know, he's, uh, he's faithful, he-he's devoted ( jazz music playing ) And he's, uh, musical, too.
Very musical guy, you know? He's always, uh, whistling something or singing some tune.
Or making that that funny little chirping noise he makes with his lips.
What are you doing? It's too bright.
Talk about bright.
I tell you, uh Frasier's just about the brightest guy I've ever met.
You don't mind if we turn some of these back on, do you, in case we want to read later, or something? Hey, you know, Frasier reads a lot, doesn't he? ( music continues playing ) Sam, we've talked enough about Frasier.
Let's talk about you.
Oh, me, well, I'm just a an ordinary guy who happens to respect and admire the hell out of Frasier, I'll tell you.
Smell good? You bet; I sniff him every time he comes in the bar.
Listen to that music.
Makes me want to do uninhibited things.
Well, you know, that just about wraps up our date here.
Uh, I hope you don't feel ripped off, or anything, but I think we ought to be getting back.
What's your hurry, sailor? Well, I just thought that, uh All right, good, good, good.
Yeah, check around the bed and make sure you haven't left anything there.
Uh, then, uh, you know, to tell you the truth, it's getting kind of late.
I'd like to, uh, I'd like to drive back.
What are you, uh? ( weak chuckle ): That's very funny.
Lilith, may I, may I have my keys, please? Lilith, stop it; I'm serious.
Lilith, I want my Lilith, I-I don't I'm very serious, now.
Listen to the tone of my voice.
Give me my car keys.
Oh, don't Why do you want to go back? We have such a nice room here.
Nice? I wouldn't let a dog sleep here.
Maybe the curtains aren't that bad.
Feel that music, Sam.
Lift me down.
Oh, all right.
Oh! Oh! Dance with me.
Uh, I don't think that's such a good idea.
Well, maybe just a little bit.
Do you know what I always have the urge to do whenever I see you, Sam? Uh, please don't tell me.
Unbutton your shirt.
( chuckling ): Oh, oh, well Uh, boy, they didn't, uh, set the clocks back and forget to tell me, did they? Did you read Lady Chatterley's Lover? Uh, Lady Chatterley's Lover? Uh, yes, as a matter of fact, I did read that.
Or parts of it, at least.
I have the strangest desire to twine flowers in your chest hair, ( chuckles ) then deflower you.
Listen, Lilith, uh Mmm.
Mmm.
Oh, boy.
Mmm Aha! I found you kissing! Got her all warmed up for you, there, Fras.
And yourself in the process, I see.
Oh, come on.
Well, let's just step outside, settle this like gentlemen.
Oh, don't be ridiculous, man.
At least do me the honor of pulling up your pants.
All right, I will.
All right.
Now, what is going on here? I might ask you the same.
Look, I'll ask the questions around here! Would you two stop sniping, for goodness sake? Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? You two were actually going to Oh, of course not.
That was only for your sake.
What? You mean you knew I was coming? Frasier, darling, yin to my yang, I know your mind as I know my own.
Of course I knew you'd come.
I knew you could do no other.
Besides, I could hear your muffler behind us all the way up Route 3.
And what a joke on me.
What a cruel, wonderful joke on me.
Why, Lilith, why? Because I was angry about that prenuptial agreement.
Oh.
And hurt.
Look, I'm-I'm sorry I ever brought that up in the first place.
It's just that I've seen so many failed marriages.
I just wanted some insurance, I guess.
Of course, I I forgot I'm marrying the perfect woman.
Don't forget that, Frasier.
And I certainly didn't mean to hurt you with Sam.
By the way, what took you so long getting here? Oh, well, when I first arrived, I went to the wrong room.
Uh By the way, we're having breakfast tomorrow with Jack and Peggy in number eight.
I'm paying.
Frasier, you dear, sweet ninny.
I do love you, you know.
And I, you.