Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - Woody For Hire, Meets Norman of the Apes

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Hello.
Carla, what are you doing in? You're not due in for another hour.
I had to get out of my house.
It was a zoo.
Serafina took the hedge clippers to the shag carpet.
Little Lotte unplugged the refrigerator to see if frozen peas melt faster than ice cream.
Gino made a volcano for a science project in the microwave.
And on top of everything else, me and Eddie had a big fight.
Oh, geez, what about? He had the nerve to say I don't know how to control my kids.
( phone rings ) I don't know.
We just WOODY: Hello.
Cheers can't seem to see eye to eye on the right way to discipline 'em.
Carla, it's for you.
( sighs ): Oh God Hello.
I thought we settled this.
No, you definitely cannot hit him.
No, you cannot lock him in the closet, and you absolutely cannot wash his mouth out with soap.
Anne-Marie, you untie your stepfather right now! ( piano plays ) Making your way in the world today Takes everything you've got Taking a break from all your worries Sure would help a lot Wouldn't you like to get away? Sometimes you want to go Where everybody knows your name And they're always glad you came You want to be where you can see Our troubles are all the same You want to be where everybody knows your name You want to go where people know People are all the same You want to go where everybody knows your name.
( phone rings ) ( clears throat ) Cheers.
Yeah, hi, Carla.
( Carla laughing maniacally ) Bye, Carla.
Hey, what was that about? Uh, it's just Carla reminding us it's her night off.
Normie, you, uh you ever feel like we're getting in a little rut here? How do you mean, Cliff? Well, every day, we come into the same bar, sit on the same stools, drink beer, night after I mean, there's got to be something a little bit more to life.
Cliffie, for the last time, I am not changing barstools with you.
Well, I, for one, applaud your desire to shake things up a bit, Cliff.
Sometimes I think I'd give anything for a change-- no matter how slight-- in this deadly, unvarying routine of life.
What can I get you, Dr.
Crane? The usual.
So, Sam, uh, anything interesting in the corporate newsletter there? Oh, well, let's see here.
Uh yes.
Did you know that the, uh, corporation that owns this bar purchases one percent of all the string made in America? ( murmuring ) Whoo! My blood pressure, Sam, please.
Aw, come on, guys.
There must be something going on in our lives that we can talk about.
Well, Norm, what did you do today? Well, I just about finished the first coat of paint at Cliff's apartment.
Oh, yawns all around.
Next? Oh, I got a ticket this weekend.
Oh, Woody, we're not that desperate.
Ah, speak for yourself.
Parking or moving? Parking, but it was my own fault.
I, uh I let the meter run out while I was watching them film Spencer for Hire.
( all talking at once ) REBECCA: What? Spencer for Hire? That's my favorite! Was Robert Urich there? Oh, yeah.
It's his show.
And you saw him? Oh, my God! Oh, eh, well, Normie over here's met him.
You lie! What's he really like? Well, you know, he just sped past me in his BMW, but he seemed like a real courteous driver.
You know, I've heard that about him.
Oh, would ( scoffs ) would you stop it? I mean, the guy puts his pants on one leg at a time just like everybody else.
Why is everybody so gaga over actors? ( mutters ) Hold it, hold it.
I'm still picturing him with his pants down around his ankles.
( grunts ) So, Wood, how long did you watch them film? Till some guy came up and put me in one of the crowd scenes.
Now, wait You were in a scene with him?! ( squealing ): I can't believe it! Woody! Whoa! You're going to be on national TV? Weren't you nervous? Oh, yeah, I was, until I talked to Mr.
Urich.
You talked to him? I'm dying! What did he say? He said it was a cold day.
( gasps ): And what did you say? I agreed with him.
Ooh, good move.
Then I loaned him my gloves.
Yeah? What'd he say? Thanks.
Oh! Can't you just hear him? You know, the truth is I know how you feel.
I felt the same way about Haley Mills when I was 12.
When weren't you 12? Hello, ladies, can I help you? We're here about the book club.
Oh, you probably have us confused with the public library.
Happens all the time.
It's two blocks down.
This is Cheers, isn't it? SAM: Oh, yes.
But there's no way Excuse me.
I'm Rebecca Howe.
You must be Mrs.
Miller.
MRS.
MILLER: Yes.
We're here to make the final arrangements for our Sunday night meetings.
Great.
Well, let me show you the back room.
I hope everything suits your needs.
Yoo-hoo! Uh, Miss Howe, can I speak to you for a minute? ( clears throat ) Uh, you go on ahead, and I'll join you in just a minute.
What is what is this about a-a book club? Ever since I arrived here, I have been desperately trying to upgrade the clientele in this bar.
We will upgrade some other night.
Sunday is the night that we have our weekly pool tournament.
You said it.
That's right.
Well, just have your pool tournament another night.
Oh, right! ( laughs ) ( chuckling ) Like we can, uh, rearrange our schedule here.
Right.
Well, what about Monday night? Yo, guys, we got a lady right off the boat here, doesn't speak any English.
Tell her what happens Monday night, will you, please? GUYS: Football! How about Tuesday? Darts Night.
Wednesday? Well, recovery from Darts Night.
Thursday's Poker Night.
Friday's a night to howl.
And, uh, Saturday night is Date Night, so, uh, where does that leave us? Horny on Sundays.
Yo.
The book club will meet here on Sunday, period.
Miss Howe? SAM: Oh, come! We have a few questions.
Of course.
FRASIER: Say, excuse me.
I don't mean to be rude, but, uh, do you ladies comprise a book club? Yes, that's right.
Well, the salon of the '80s.
You know, it's encouraging to meet a group of adults who still read in this day and age rather than pay homage to the great god, television.
I can't tell you how heartened I am Excuse me.
I have a cigarette going back there.
Of course.
MAN: Hey, Woody, when you were on the set there, you see any famous actresses? Huh? No.
What about all the drug stuff you hear about in show business-- see any of that? No.
There's a lot of that juicy backstabbing going on on the set? No.
Hey, guys, you got to hear these stories.
Yeah.
So, uh, Normie, you think you'll be, uh, through, uh, painting my apartment tomorrow, or what? Yeah, I'll finish up tomorrow.
Can you have a, uh, check ready for me, Cliff? Well, I'll, uh give you one now.
Uh, okay, pay to the order of Norman Peterson one zillion dollars! ( laughter ) There you go! Buy yourself a yacht, young fella.
Cliff, uh, you are going to pay me for this job, aren't you? Hey, Normie, look, you, uh, didn't charge me last year when you painted Ma's house, did you? Well, that was before I was a professional.
Oh, I'll say.
We never did get those windows unstuck.
NORM: Cliff, I finished half your place.
I'll be happy to come by and finish the rest of it, okay? I'd appreciate a check.
If you've got a problem with that, why don't we work out a payment schedule right now? Look, uh, Norm, money is not a problem.
You know that.
It's just, uh, well, I'm not a cheap man.
Oh, a statement I'll wager has never been uttered by anyone but a cheap man.
Look, Norm, if I knew you were going to charge me for all this, I would've demanded a better job.
Now, I've been letting you slide, buddy.
If you think the work is so worthless, just finish it yourself, Cliff.
Well, uh, not that I couldn't.
I mean, it doesn't exactly take a Phi Beta Kappa to stick a brush in a bucket, slap it on a wall, does it? I mean, any monkey can do that, huh? Oh, yeah, as opposed to the high level of skill and precision it takes to shove a postcard through a slot.
( chuckles ) That's enough, enough, okay, enough, Normie.
I'm, uh, waiting for an apology.
Fine.
I'll drop it in the mail.
That way, you'll never get it.
( laughter ) Well I certainly don't have to stand here and take that.
Mm, good news, everyone.
I've found a way to make him leave.
You'll rue this day, my friend.
I am going to make a laughingstock out of you in front of your whole pseudo-profession.
Very Joan Crawford.
( knocking on door ) ( TV playing low ) Oh, glad you guys could make it.
Hey, wipe your feet there, would you? Hey, Mr.
C.
, uh, what time's the game start? Oh, any minute now, there, Woody.
Hey, look at this place.
So this is what you finally picked out, huh? CLIFF: Oh, yeah.
Was it everything you'd thought it be, there, Sammy? No, no, I like it.
( laughter ) Well, you know, I've been meaning to have you guys over here for a while now.
I want to take this opportunity to, uh, make a public apology to my pal Normie here.
I got out of line a little bit, uh, the other night in the bar, and, uh, I just hope you can, uh, find it in your heart to forgive me, there, Norm.
Don't worry about it.
I said some stupid things, too.
All right! Hey, hey, see that apple in the underwear commercial there? Yeah.
He played a doorman in my Spencer for Hire.
Oh, yeah? Talk about range.
You know, it's actually a good paint job, Cliff.
Oh, yeah, thanks, there, Normie.
You know, I, uh you know, I thought I could do this by myself, but, uh, when I started, I realized that I needed somebody with your specialized skills and talents, eh Well, well, takes a big man to admit that, Cliff.
Ah Glad you appreciate the value of professional labor.
Oh, yeah, I sure do, uh Listen, if you guys don't mind, I'd like to introduce you to the, uh, skilled artisan who did this fine work.
( all muttering ) Yeah, he's in the, uh, bathroom over here, finishing up.
Uh, hey, Duane, come out here.
( wild laughter ) ( cackling ) ( phone rings ) Cheers.
Oh, hang on a second.
Mr.
Peterson, it's Mr.
Clavin.
Come on, now, it's been a whole week.
Maybe he wants to make up.
Take a message.
Can I take a message? Okeydokey.
What'd he say? ( chittering like a monkey ) ( laughter ) What are you doing, there? Miss Howe put moi in charge of refreshments for the book club.
Well, yeah, but what are those? Finger sandwiches.
You know, the part that takes the most time is getting that middle knuckle right.
Woody, they don't actually have to look like fingers.
Yeah, right, Sam.
Boy, it hardly feels like a Sunday without a pool cue in my hand.
Yeah.
Why don't we go to Old Town Tavern, shoot some stick? No, no, no, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What, are you kidding? Tonight happens to be Woody's big debut on Spencer for Hire.
Can't imagine what it's going to be like to see, uh, somebody we actually know up on that TV screen.
Yeah.
Well, Norm, I'm-I'm loathe to chide you for your short memory, but I appeared on the tube just a few short weeks ago.
Oh, well, yeah, Frasier, uh, no offense, but a bunch of do-gooders sitting around jabbering about a nuclear freeze is one thing.
We're talking prime time cop show here.
Evening, ladies.
I'm really excited about you being here.
The rest of your group's already in the back.
Oh, thank you very much.
It should be a special evening.
Tonight, we're discussing English agrarian life before the Reform Bill as portrayed in Elliot's Middlemarch.
Would you care to join us? You know, actually, we were just discussing that at the bar, and I'm a little burned out on it.
Oh.
WOODY: Miss Howe? I put the tea and the lemonade in the back for the ladies, and, uh, these are ready for you.
Thank you, Woody.
Woody, when I said I wanted finger sandwich These look delicious.
Excuse me.
Yes, yes, yes.
I'm missing something in my tea.
All right, uh, lemon here? Sugar? A touch of brandy.
Ah.
Well, all right.
There you go.
Don't be shy.
Thank you very much.
Bye-bye.
Hey, hey, everybody.
My Spencer for Hire is on.
( clamoring ) Woody, when's your big scene? It's hard to tell.
You know, in television, we shoot out of sequence.
I wonder if you might have a little gin back there.
Gin, in a bar? Uh whoa! It's your lucky day.
There you go.
Thank you.
See, I've had this cold.
That's, that's the street I was on! That's my scene! PATRONS ( chanting ): Woody! Woody! Woody! There I am! Where?! Where?! Where are you? There! Right there in the corner! That's a fire hydrant.
No, no, right next to it.
That's my sleeve! Woody, we can't see your face.
What?! Don't you recognize my shirt? That distinctive plain white one? All right, well, now it's gone to commercial.
You missed it.
Oh, Woody, you telling me? That's it?! MAN: Hey, you know, lots of people have white shirts.
And arms.
How do we know you were even on the show, Woody? Of course I was.
Oh, you got to believe me.
NORM: Oh, yeah, I bet that's you driving the little chuck wagon right now, huh? ( dog barking on TV ) Yah! Yah! No, no, no.
I swear.
I met Robert Urich and everything.
Yeah, Wood, let us know when your pants are on Dallas.
( clicks remote ) WOMEN: What shall we do with a drunken sailor? What shall we do with a drunken sailor What shall we do with a drunken sailor Earl-aye in the morning? Hey-oh, up she rises God, not again.
Hey-oh, up she rises, hey-oh What the hell is happening to our book club? I think it had something to do with that last round of margaritas.
( glass breaking ) ( women screaming ) Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! That does it! I am putting a stop to this right now.
No, let me handle this.
You're not used to dealing with those rowdy book club types.
Sam, this is my bar.
I am in charge.
All right.
I am perfectly capable of restoring order.
You are so cute when you're macho.
Hey, Woods.
I'm just curious, um, did a lot of other shirts audition for that role? Hey, Woody, there's an article in here that says your shirt is now dating Morgan Fairchild.
But she says they're just friends.
Come on, guys.
I'm telling you, I really did do it.
Sure thing, Woody.
( phone rings ) Cheers.
Oh, hi, Robert Urich.
Yeah, yeah, this is your old pal, Woody.
Oh, well, I thought your performance was wonderful tonight, too.
Yeah.
( chuckling ): Yeah.
What? Oh, uh, yeah, that shirt? Yeah, I-I picked it out myself.
Uh, Sears, I think.
Yeah, okay, well, thanks for calling.
I'll see you around the studio.
( chuckles ) All right, bye.
See? How could we have ever doubted him? Boy, do we have egg on our face, huh? ( women jeering ) Go on! ( booing ) SAM: Boy you sure, uh you sure taught them a lesson, didn't you? By the way, what, what do they do with a drunken sailor? Malone? Get in there.
Oh, so you do need me, huh? The right man for the job.
No, no, no.
You don't understand.
They asked for you.
They did? Yes, they said, "Send in" ( mumbles ) Did you hear that? What did you? Could you say that slower, please? "The tall hunk with the rippling rump.
" And you automatically thought of me.
Isn't that interesting? Would you just get them out of here, please? I will ripple them into submission.
Are you catching that? ( humming a ditty ) Said the monkey to the Hey, guys.
Hey.
Hi, Cliff.
Hey, where's your monkey? Oh, no, it's not my monkey.
I just rented him to play a little, uh, joke on Normie.
Good one, huh, Zippy? Yeah, it gets funnier every time you mention it, Cliff.
It was funny when you sent me over that crate of bananas, really funny when you started having my mail addressed to "Cheetah.
" ( all laughing ) Particularly hilarious when you sent over the organ grinder.
You know, Cliff, you just keep getting funnier and funnier.
You get any funnier, I may have to kill you.
Ho! Ho! ho! Ho! ( women shouting ) That's it, call the cops.
What are they doing? They're grabbing me, teasing me, making fun of me, and stuffing money down my shorts.
Hey, small bills, too.
That's great.
( chanting ): Fresh meat! Fresh meat! WOMAN: Send in the young one! Fresh meat! Fresh meat! ( whistling ) Say, is the, uh, book club still meeting? ( chuckles ) After a fashion.
Oh, well, good.
You know, I dropped by the office and dug up an old paper I wrote when I was an undergrad.
I was always rather proud of it.
So I thought I might share it with them.
Frase, I don't think you understand what's going on back there.
Oh, Sam, you're hardly one to condescend to me.
Oh, ladies! ( women cheering ) FRASIER: Good God! Please! I'm a doctor.
( women whooping ) Good night.
Bye-bye.
Good night.
Good night.
Thank you.
WOMAN: Good night.
( hums "What Shall We Do With a Drunken Sailor?" ) FRASIER: Not bad for a night's work.
You got for I only got ten.
Well, Sam, perhaps you didn't, uh, shake it until they couldn't take it.
( laughs ) Now, let me see.
Where are my keys? Oh, that's right.
I was using them as castanets.
What are you doing, Woody? I'm wringing my hands with guilt.
Oh.
I don't think I've actually seen that before.
Why? I told a terrible lie to the guys, Sam.
Oh, you mean about being on that TV show? No, no, that was true, but I got a telephone call, and I pretended it was Robert Urich on the other end.
I mean, I-I didn't hurt anybody or anything.
Although your-your plumber seemed a little confused.
Well, I'm Don't worry about it.
I'm sure everyone will forgive you.
But it was a lie, Sam, and I've never told a lie before.
What? No, no, wait.
That's a lie.
I-I've told lies See, now, that's two lies.
See how much easier it gets? Oh, my God, I'm out of control.
What's next? Murder? No, no, hey, Woody, Woody, Woody Woody, Woody.
Looks like the old pool tournament is out again for next week.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah? Fancy that.
Well, did you tell Norm? When he hears that, he'll go ape.
( chuckling ) Cliff, your delivery of jokes is as bad as your delivery of the mail.
Oh! Oh! Mighty Joe Young strikes back there.
How'd you become a mailman anyway? What, did you flunk out of tollbooth school? ( laughing ) Hey, all right, now, that's a good one.
Yep.
Know why, uh, dogs hate mailmen? They just want to be like everyone else.
( laughing heartily ) All right, that's it.
It's go time.
Okay, fellas, this is the guy I've been telling you about.
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! No, come on! Come on! Come on! Cli Look at yourselves, here.
Cliff! Cliff, this is your friend, Norm.
Norm, this is your buddy, Cliff.
You don't want to do this.
Now, do you? All right, all right! Hey, whoa! Somebody help me here, man, will you? Hey, stop! Hey, stop it, now.
Listen, I You guys have been friends for years.
Think of all the things you've done together.
You, you Drinking beer together.
And I'm sure there's a lot of other stuff, too.
Hey, you know, you're partly at fault here.
You made fun of his profession, and you refused to pay him.
And you, Norm Actually, you didn't do anything at all, did you? I'll tell you what.
Why don't you let me hold him, and you biff him one? I don't know, Sammy.
I just want this to be over with.
Yeah, me, too.
( sighs ) Well, I'm sorry, Norm.
Just make out a bill, and I'll pay it.
I'll give you that discount.
All right, uh, I I guess that monkey stuff was a little bit out of line, huh? It was actually pretty funny, but ( chuckles ) It's a small man who can't laugh at his own profession, you know? Yeah.
I just want to let bygones be bygones, all right? And the important thing is we're just still friends, hmm? You mind, guys? Oh, oh, no, sorry, sorry.
Hey, hey, come on.
( both grunt ) Yeah, Normie, I'm, uh, I'm sort of sorry about everything that happened.
Oh, well, Cliff, I'm even sorrier for what's about to happen.
Huh? What do you mean? ( laughing ) You're dead meat, Peterson! Let's go shoot some stick.
Hey, Woody.
Hey, Bob, how are you doing? Fine.
Look, I was just passing by, and I wanted to return your gloves.
Thanks for letting me use them.
Hey, my pleasure.
Listen, could you hang on a second? Sure.
I got some friends you'd love to meet.
Yeah.
Miss Howe? You'll never guess who's here.
Bob Urich.
Woody, it's been a horrible night.
I'm really not in the mood to be teased.
No, no, it's the truth.
He's really here.
Woody, go away! She's a big fan of yours.
Hey, guys! ( billiard balls breaking ) Bob Urich's here.
MAN: Oh, sure, Wood.
Who's he with, Liz Taylor? You're not, are you? No.
Look, uh, Woody, uh, we were shooting late, and I'm having a few people over.
You want to come by? You bet.
Yeah, come on.
Great.
The car's right outside.
Could you hang on a second? I want to check here.
Sure.
Hey, Sam, uh Yeah? Robert Urich's here.
Uh, he wants me to go over to his house.
Can I leave? Woody, Woody, Wo All right, yeah, whatever you say.
Great, we're out of here.
Good night.
No.