Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - And God Created Woodman

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Oh! Oh! ( gasping ) Sam, I think Carla has a drink order.
Sweetheart, are you all right? Sammy, I think this could be it.
I think the twins are coming.
Oh.
Ooh, ooh! ( groans ) What do you know? The Sixers are in town tonight.
Isn't it amazing how Carla's labor pains always seem to coincide with Celtic home games? Hey, hey, hey, hey! Wait a minute.
Now, you think that I would exploit this beautiful thing called motherhood just to go to some stupid basketball game? ( groaning ) I'm insulted! Carla, I'm not falling for it this time.
You can scream till you shatter every glass in this bar, but you're not going anywhere.
( groans ) Sweetheart, you're just going to have to give birth right here in the bar.
Come on.
It won't be that bad.
Remember, the last kid you had here was no big deal.
All you had to do was a little snip-snip and a quick mop-up and you were right back on your feet.
( groaning ) Let me call you a cab, Carla.
It's all right.
I got one waiting.
Thank you.
Hey, uh, there wouldn't happen to be another seat in the delivery room, would there? No, no.
There are only seats for me and Eddie, Sam.
Oh, come on.
Maybe next child.
( groans ) ( piano plays ) Making your way in the world today Takes everything you've got Taking a break from all your worries Sure would help a lot Wouldn't you like to get away? Sometimes you want to go Where everybody knows your name And they're always glad you came You want to be where you can see Our troubles are all the same You want to be where everybody knows your name You want to go where people know People are all the same You want to go where everybody knows your name.
Announcement! Announcement! I just got a phone call, and if things work out, it might be my ticket out of here.
( all cheering ) Don't you even want to know what it's about? There's more? Yes.
I have been asked to organize a cocktail party for Mr.
Daniel T.
Collier.
Ooh, Daniel T.
Collier, the lemon wafer king? No, no, that's Donald P.
Cooper.
Hey, I love those lemon wafers.
You ever dip them in cocoa and try to get them out without breaking them? Yeah, yeah.
Do you know you can make a mock apple pie with those? Excuse me.
Those are Ritz Crackers.
Stop talking about wafers! This is Daniel T.
Collier, the chairman of the board, the chief executive officer of Lillian.
ALL: Oh Sammy, don't you have, like, the slightest bit of guilt selling this bar to a corporation named Lillian? Well, we used to be called Drax Chemical, Dye and Munitions, but people had trouble believing our motto: "We care about people.
" Okay, I'm going to need the best of everything: the best food, the best liquor.
The best bartenders.
You? ( laughs ) ( laughs ) Good one, Sam.
Did I say something funny here? Well, actually, I didn't get it either.
I was just laughing to be polite.
But in my own defense, I do get some things that no one else does.
When there's a shine on your shoes There's a melody in your heart Shiny shoes, huh? Shiny shoes, shiny shoes.
Ah, gents, notice anything different about me today? Okay, I'll go out on a limb.
New shoes? ( chuckles ) Yes, siree, Normie.
And for a limited time only, thanks to the US Postal Service, you, too, can be saying to your feet, "Thanks for your support.
" Are we to deduce from this, Cliff, that you are now selling mail-order shoes? I am not selling shoes here, Doctor.
I'm selling dreams.
Dreams of a little cobbler in Missouri who pours his heart into every sole.
Actually, Cliff, with a pair of dark socks those could look halfway decent.
How much are they, Cliff? $19.
99.
Well, what the heck? For 20 bucks, I'll give it a shot.
All right, order me a size 11.
Normie, Normie, Normie, these are not your assembly line clodhoppers.
These are precisely machine-measured.
How do I do it then? Just trace your tootsies on a cocktail napkin over here, fellas, all right? I'll tell you.
This brings back memories of my dad when I was a kid.
Did you all always used to order your shoes through the mail? He was always getting taken by some huckster.
Sam, if you were throwing a party, would you order Dom Perignon or Cristal? Cristal.
Dom Perignon it is, then.
This is getting insulting.
You know, I don't think that she respects us.
What do you mean "us," Sam? You're the one who goofed up that champagne thing.
Woody, come on, man.
We're a team.
Is that the insulting part? This the point is, she doesn't think that we're worthy of hanging around with her society friends.
She thinks we're nincompoops.
Nincompoops? Let's go, Sam.
We're going to talk to her.
What? Nobody calls Woody Boyd a nincompoop.
Except my dad.
( knocking ) Miss Howe, with all due respect, that nincompoop crack really hurt.
Woody, I didn't call you a nincompoop.
All right, then why you won't let us tend bar at your party? Is it because you think we're incompetent? You think we're not smooth enough? You think we're uncouth? No, I need you here.
Oh, okay.
Let's go, Sam.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What are you doing? Where are you going? Sam, now, look.
Really, why do you care? Why on Earth do you want to work this party? All right, you know, by not hiring us, what you're doing is you're telling the rest of the world that Sam Malone is not fit for the society of decent folks, that he's incompetent, that he's a clod.
What about me, Sam? You, too, Woody.
I'm going to tell you something, lady.
We may not have come out of Harvard.
We may not belong to a yacht club.
We may not have tended bar at a polo tournament, but we know how to do our job and we do it with dignity and class.
You're right.
I'm sorry.
The job is yours.
All right! Whoa, baby! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo, baby! Lovely party, Rebecca.
Why, thank you, Mr.
Collier.
Isn't this place something, Sam? Ooh, yeah.
I think it's even nicer than Wheeler's Funeral Parlor in Hanover.
Of course, that's not the most fun place in town.
Well, I'll bet not.
That would be Bob's Funeral Parlor.
Oh, my God.
Woody, is it me or is that woman gorgeous? You look nice, Sam, but I'm going to have to go with the woman.
Do me a favor here, will ya, buddy? Hold down the fort here while I pass that lady a tray of smoked Sammy.
Great party, huh? Yes.
I'll have a Manhattan.
What? Oh, this.
Well, you think I'm a bartender, huh? What do you think you are? Well, to tell you the truth, I used to be a bartender, but now I'm an eccentric millionaire.
I just dress like this to remind myself of my modest beginnings.
Back behind the bar.
I pay her to say that.
It keeps me humble.
Malone, now! Ooh, that was a good one, huh? I'm going to have to give her a raise, huh? Looking good.
Woody, what are you doing?! That is not a trash can.
That is a work of art.
Oh, my God.
This is just what I need is for Collier to see this.
He is a collector.
Oh, hey, let's calm down now.
Nobody's seen anything yet.
Woody, take it in the kitchen and clean it out.
Sure, Sam.
Sorry, Miss Howe.
Woody, go.
Just go.
I got you.
I got you.
I tell you, Sam.
This is the last time I'm going to throw one of these fancy parties.
The next time one of these hotshots wants ( glass breaking ) Don't worry, Ms.
Howe.
It was only a tray of glasses.
Thank God.
Let's not tempt fate, Woody.
I'll clean it myself.
They weren't great glasses, Sam, and they were dirty.
( glass breaking ) Just a guess here: uh, the vase? It was there.
I was holding it.
It was right in my hands, and now it's gone.
Maybe we can glue it back together and no one will ever know.
Forget that.
Oh! Just calm down now.
Calm down.
It was an accident.
I'm sure Mr.
Collier will understand.
No, he won't.
This isn't the first time I've goofed up at the company.
I started out as a junior executive and I'm diligently working my way down to the mailroom with a brief stopover at that Siberia called Cheers.
Shh-shh.
Stop it.
Just calm down here.
Calm down.
I know.
I'll just resign now, move back to San Diego, join the Navy, grow old and die.
Oh Boy, Sam, I really feel sorry for her.
Never thought I'd say it, but so do I.
Look at this party she threw together here, and then that happens.
Poor kid.
You think they'll make me manager? Hey, yo, over here.
You know, Woody, I'm about to do a decent thing here.
Get out.
Yeah.
I'm going to take the fall for this.
What the hell? I'm a great bartender.
I can get a job anywhere I want.
Sam, that's the second nicest thing you've ever done.
Well, thank you.
What's the nicest? When you let me drive your Corvette.
Right.
Right, right.
That's good.
That's good.
Excuse me, young man.
What happened to the vase that was sitting there? Somebody move it? Sir, I have a confession.
My name is Woody Boyd, and by accident, I broke your vase.
You you broke it?! You Do you know how many years I waited to add that to my collection? Do you realize the significance of that piece? No, sir.
And I also broke some glasses.
No, Sam, I can't let you do it.
It wouldn't be right if you Uh, Mr.
Collier, there's been a terrible accident.
Yes.
This person just told me how he destroyed my vase.
But Woody didn't do it.
What she means is I didn't do it on purpose.
Yes, I know.
The only thing that can match my great disappointment at losing the vase is the admiration that I feel for this boy.
Woody, you showed great courage and integrity in stepping up to face the music here.
Rebecca, would you mind standing in for Woody for a little while? You wouldn't mind, would you? I'd like to get to know him better.
You want a drink? Well, sure.
Well, just tell the girl.
Miss Howe, I'll have a gin and tonic.
Well, come on.
She'll bring 'em in.
WOODY: Oh.
Another Manhattan.
Manhattan, huh? I own a lot of that, you know? Right, the eccentric millionaire routine.
You know, I got to tell you the truth here.
I'm getting kind of bored serving all these stiffs drinks.
What do you say you and I go out and spend some of my money? What time does France close anyway? I think they're remodeling.
Oh.
Have any other suggestions? Unfortunately, my mansion's being painted and my yacht's in dry dock.
Well, let me see Oh, I know it.
I know it.
You know, my chauffeur's got a little one-bedroom apartment downtown.
What do you say you and I go slumming? Let me guess: you're not really rich at all, are you? Well, now, define "rich.
" I have my health.
I uh, think I'll just stick with the drink.
Let me get this straight: when you thought that I was a millionaire, you were ready to go out with me, but now that I'm just a healthy bartender, you don't want to have anything to do with me.
I gotta tell you, lady, that makes you an incredibly shallow person.
Do you actually think this sort of approach is going to work? Absolutely.
You see, I'm an incredibly shallow person myself.
Between the two of us, we couldn't make a decent wading pool.
What do you say, huh? Don't I know you from somewhere? Yeah, well, you probably caught me out at Fenway, huh? Of course.
I bought a bag of peanuts from you.
Another round of brandies for Butch and Sundance.
They're really, uh, hitting it off, huh? I should say so.
They're in there singing school songs.
If you hate Ivy League fight songs, wait till you hear one from bartending school.
You're not taking this very well, are you? What, that little backstabber? Oh, now cut that out.
Woody took a big risk, you know.
You broke the vase and he took the blame for it.
It didn't have to turn out that way.
He just had your best interest at heart.
I know.
I could just hug him till his tongue turns black.
You know, I'm not convinced you're a millionaire, but I am sold on the eccentric part.
Well, that's a start.
And since I'm not getting any interesting nibbles tonight anyway, I'm reconsidering your offer.
Nibbles are my specialty.
Great.
Well, what time will you be getting off? ( laughing ) Oh, listen, I've got to show you a trick shot.
Now you watch this.
Got you again, Pinky! ( laughing ) You can't do that! Oh, uh You seem to have something in your eye, Woodhead.
I'll get it for you.
Oh, Pinky, stop! It's noogie time! Oh, no! No! No! No, Woody! No! No more! ( stifled chuckling ) I see our serving wench is here.
I mean, hello, Miss Howe.
( chuckling ): Oh, Woody.
I tell you, you have no idea how hard it is to find young fellas with your stuff in this day and age.
You ought to see the buttoned-down brats my granddaughter drags home from college.
She really deserves someone more solid, someone real.
Someone with a strong back and a thick neck, you know? Someone like you, Woody.
Thank you, sir.
I couldn't.
Yeah, I could.
She's out in Vail right now on a skiing holiday.
I'm going up there tomorrow.
Woody, why don't you join me? You mean that, Pinky? You bet I do.
Well, I don't know if Miss Howe would be too happy Oh, she'll be thrilled.
To my toes.
See? So, great, I'll go tell Jamison to arrange it right now.
Ah! Woody, where do you get these things?! Go figure, Miss Howe.
I mean, you break the vase, and I end up being the big boss' buddy.
Isn't life funny? Do you mean funny "ha-ha" or funny "a living nightmare"? Is something wrong, Miss Howe? Yes, something is wrong.
I am the one who should be playing pool.
I'm the one who should be smoking cigars and drinking brandy.
I'm the one who should be going out with his granddaughter.
You know what I mean.
Well, I'm sorry, Miss Howe.
I was only trying to help.
Okay, Woody, we're all set.
I'll stop by the bar tomorrow afternoon and pick you up.
Pinky, I have a confession.
I didn't break your vase.
Miss Howe did.
Whew, glad I got that off my chest.
You broke my vase? Well, actually, yes.
That's the most cowardly thing I have ever heard.
You'd let this fine young man take the blame for your clumsiness? I don't know, Miss Howe.
I'm going to have to seriously reconsider your future with our organization.
Uh, Pinky, wait a minute here.
Uh, Miss Howe is a very nice lady.
Klutzy, sure, but she has a heart of gold.
Well well, all right.
Woody, if you'll vouch for her, I'll give her another chance, I guess.
Thanks, Pinky.
Hey, by the way, your barn door's open.
( laughing ) Woody! Hey, everybody.
Look what the shoe fairy left under my pillow.
Okay, Fox and Hounds, that's you, Pete.
Uh, Hugh, you had the Executives.
Uh, Norm, you had the Old Smoothies, didn't you? Uh, let's see-- Frasier.
Would you give those to Frasier? All right, who had the, uh, Playboy? Who else? Hold it.
Hold it.
Wait a minute.
You bought shoes from Boston's fashion king, Oh Leg the Weenie? Yeah.
I can't leave you guys alone for a minute.
Hey, Cliff, I got to hand it to you.
These are really comfortable.
Eh, you bet ya.
What style are these? The Star Fighter.
Oh.
Yes.
I was sorely tempted to get the Coup de Villes, but, uh, I do love tassels, so ( squeaking ) Cliffie, mine squeak.
Uh, after a few weeks of constant wear, it'll be all right.
( squeaking ) Make it stop.
Normie, what's the big deal? I mean, squeaky shoes are only a problem if you're a mugger.
( squeaking ) Cliff, mine are a little squeaky, too.
( both squeaking ) Mine are squeaking, too, Cliff.
In E Minor.
( all squeaking ) Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, stop! Freeze, everybody.
( squeaking stops ) Back on your barstools right now.
Go on.
( squeaking ) SAM: Hurry up.
Thank you.
Miss Howe.
May I see you for a moment? Yes, sir.
He's changed his mind.
I'm doomed.
Next stop: hell.
Compliment his tie.
Last night at the party someone broke an irreplaceable vase.
That's a very nice tie.
Are you listening to me? We found the remains in the trash.
Now, is it any of your people? You mean you don't know who broke it? Unfortunately, I had a little too much to drink.
The whole evening's rather foggy.
And you mean you don't remember anything, and you have no idea who did it? No, but when I find out, they're going to wish they never crossed my path.
'Cause I'll find a way to make their life a living hell.
REBECCA: I don't blame you.
And you know, when you find out who did it, give me a call, because I'd like to give them a piece of my mind.
Guess who, Pinky?! SAM: Woody! Woody! What in God's name do you think you're doing? Oh, I'll show you what I'm doing.
Ah! Noogie! Who is this madman? This is Woody Boyd.
Woody, last night, a very valuable vase was broken at Mr.
Collier's.
But he doesn't remember who did it.
Of course he knows who did it.
It was Fire! Fire! ( shoes squeaking ) What fire? Now wait.
Hold it! Now hold it.
There is no fire.
She didn't say "fire.
" Uh, she said "flyer.
" Yes, yes, I thought I saw Amelia Earhart up there.
NORM: Great, uh, nice save, Rebecca.
( shoes squeaking ) What in God's name is going on here? Well, it's the, uh Squeaky Shoe Club.
Look, I intend to get to the bottom of this.
Now Miss Howe, you were in charge of that party last night.
Do you or do you not know who broke my vase? Of course she does.
I certainly do.
It's time the truth came out.
It was Me.
No, Sam.
Yes, Rebecca.
I want to do this.
You, huh? Sir you have grit.
COLLIER: You don't ski by any chance, do you?