Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - The Sam in the Gray Flannel Suit

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Payday, payday.
Sam, Carla, Woody.
Oh, come to Papa, baby.
Boy, have I got plans for you.
CLIFF: Yeah, no kidding, Woody? What are you going to do with it? Put it in the bank.
Whoo, don't get arrested, buddy.
Hey, Shoulder Pads, freeze.
Yes, Carla? I seem to be a little short.
Yes, but you have a warm personality.
When you added up my paycheck, I think you forgot to count a couple of fingers and toes.
Oh, I'm afraid I had to dock you a total of two and three quarters hours for being late last week.
I had good excuses.
Three deaths in the family since Monday? It's been a bad week.
Carla, Carla, here's a little time management trick that I use.
I set my watch ahead a half an hour.
That way, when I think I'm getting someplace on time, I'm actually fooling myself into getting there early.
Hey, you know, that makes good business sense, boss.
I guess if I set my watch an hour ahead, it'd be twice as good, huh? Right.
Hey, what do you know? It's lunch time.
No wonder I'm so hungry.
( piano intro playing ) Making your way in the world today Takes everything you've got Taking a break from all your worries Sure would help a lot Wouldn't you like to get away? Sometimes you want to go Where everybody knows your name And they're always glad you came You want to be where you can see Our troubles are all the same You want to be where everybody knows your name You want to go where people know People are all the same You want to go where everybody knows your name.
What you reading, Cliffie? Oh, the, uh, Massachusetts Scientific Journal.
Yeah? Yeah.
Yeah, you know, this, uh, magazine is sent to some of the most prestigious and high-minded intellectuals in the greater metropolitan area.
How come you have it? Some guy on my route left town and uh, didn't leave a forwarding address.
Oh, hey, Carla, looky here.
It says the Britain Institute's doing research on twins.
Maybe you can get your gruesome twosome in there, eh? Yeah, right, like I got nothing better to do than schlep Little Elvis and Jesse around.
Especially so some pointy-heads can plug electrodes into their skulls to see what makes them slobber.
That's too bad; they're offering, uh, 50 bucks apiece.
I always wondered what makes them slobber.
Sorry I'm late.
Where's Sam? He's upstairs having lunch with Evan Dreck.
Oh, God, Mr.
Drake shows up on a day that I'm late? Well, don't worry.
I've covered for you.
Told him you were drunk.
What does this mean? When did Evan start taking Sam to lunch? When did the two of them become good friends? When did I start talking to myself? Hey, maybe he's going to put Sam in charge of the bar again.
What? Don't make me laugh.
Sam, I'm serious about that offer.
Now, I want to move you up.
What do you say? Oh, sounds tempting.
DRAKE: When I see you behind that bar, the more convinced I am your talents are being wasted.
Yeah, I know, I know, but they won't let me bring a bed in here.
( both chuckling ) Yes, yes, boy, thank you; of course I will.
I, uh, I'll get the ball rolling.
Hello, Mr.
It's so wonderful to see you again.
Yeah, I'm going to use your phone.
You scum-sucking, power-hungry, backbiting creep.
You stole my job.
Ah, come on.
That's not true.
But I will bite your back for you if you want.
Oh, well, then, what were you talking to Evan about? He just offered me an executive position down at headquarters.
You scum-sucking, power-hungry, backbiting creep! Hi, Mr.
I was just congratulating Sam.
Uh, it's all set, Sam.
Hey, uh, listen.
Uh, I'm really excited about this, but are you sure that I'm qualified? I mean, you know, I never even finished college.
How far did you get? Halfway through the application.
I still have it here if you Nah, that's okay.
You're qualified.
See you tomorrow.
All right.
Something funny is going on here.
Why did he hire Sam? Why is he making him an executive? What's the matter with me? Well, for one thing, Miss Howe, you talk to yourself an awful lot.
Malone, I hate to rush you, but people are waiting.
Have you made a decision yet? Yes, Mimi, I have.
I'll take the tuna on toast with iced tea.
Oh, and, uh, after lunch, we'll, uh, finish the memo I was drafting.
Where did we leave off? "To whom it may concern.
" Boy, I like the way that sounds.
( door shuts ) ( chuckling ) ( grinding ) ( buzzer ) MIMI: Mr.
Malone, some gentlemen are here to see you from the firm of Peterson, Clavin and Boyd.
Peterson, Clavin and Boyd, Peterson, Clavin and Boyd.
Uh, Mimi, tell them I'm in an important meeting and can't see them, please.
( guys complaining ) Hey, get in here, you mugs! ( laughing and exclaiming ) Uh, Sam, don't be nice, now.
If you really have a meeting, we don't want to bother you.
No, no, oh, come on.
Get in here.
Get in here.
Well, major corporate digs, buddy, eh? Talk about your office in the sky.
Hey, oh, hey, lookit down here.
There's a guy washing windows.
That's one job you wouldn't catch me doing for all the bridges in Bridgeport.
( chuckling ) Standing on a platform there, suspended hundreds of feet over certain death.
You said it.
Hey, let's throw something at him and scare him, eh? ( Sam laughing ) Hey, you know, actually, uh, these, uh, windows don't open.
You're in a what's called a climate- controlled office.
( chuckling ) Very impressed, Sam, eh? Oh, hey, Sammy, you do look every inch the corporate muckety-muck there, doesn't he? Well, you know, I don't want to brag.
Mimi, get in here and brag for me, will you? ( laughter ) Just kidding, Mimi.
While I have you, Mr.
Drake is on his way over.
Oh, guys, I'm sorry, men, uh ( blows softly ) Oh, yeah, sure.
That's okay.
That's all right.
Uh, we're running late for our next appointment anyway, boys.
Where is that? It's at the bottom of the lobby escalator watching the secretaries go up to the lunchroom.
( guys chortling ) All aboard for the Underalls Express, now leaving Track 29.
( guys imitating train whistle ) ( laughing ): You mugs! ( knocking ) Ah, Sam.
Oh, hey, Evan.
I'm sorry.
I was engrossed in my work here.
Just came to check on you.
How you doing? Looks like you're making yourself at home here.
Supplies, huh? And the requisite picture of your, uh self.
It's not really a great one, but it's the only big one I had.
Yeah, well You're all set then, huh? Yeah, oh, yeah.
Full steam ahead.
Take no prisoners.
All right.
You know, I, uh I do have, uh, one little question, though.
W-What do I do? Ah, yes, well, now, yours being a newly created position, your responsibilities as yet are not clearly defined.
Well, uh, that helps, that helps.
But we're looking for your input.
Input-- got you; all right, input.
Yeah, well, listen, I'm going to be late for lunch, so, uh, we'll talk later at softball practice, huh? Oh, hey, you got a softball team, huh? Oh, yeah, all the corporations do.
It's a lot of fun, very casual.
Wear cleats.
Hey, I'll have lots of input for you then, sir.
Okay, all right.
Input, input.
Let's see, here.
( sighing ) ( exhaling ) ( grinding ) ( grinding continues ) Mimi, call Maintenance.
( muttering ) Ridiculous.
Stupid Sam.
Executive? ( muttering continues ) I'm sorry.
Are you talking to me? No, I was talking to my Yes, I was.
So, you say that they did make Sam an executive? Oh, yeah, absolutely.
Giving him the red carpet treatment over there.
He's a regular Armand Hammer.
Oh, that reminds me.
I got to change the baking soda in my refrigerator.
Hi, everybody.
I just got back from twin testing, and I would like to announce that I now like science than I used to.
Hey, all right.
I found out that Little Elvis is a lot more aggressive in certain situations than Jesse.
Or is it vice versa? Ah, who cares? Not these twins.
( chortling ) Whoa.
( whooping and laughing ) People, I have an announcement! Mr.
Sam Malone, the newest member of the corporate softball team, just pitched a shutout against General Electric! ( whooping and yelling ) I'd say I loved pinning back the ears of a Fortune 500 company.
Kind of makes you feel proud to be part of the corporation, doesn't it? Rah-rah-rah.
Hey, you know, I never knew that you were a cheerleader.
Although I have always admired your pom-poms.
Sam, uh, why does your jersey say "Heppel" on the back? Oh, that was some guy who used to work for the company.
They haven't had time to order mine yet.
Supply problems.
"Supply problems.
" Yeah.
Yes, that happens a lot in large corporations.
You know, Sam, they were really lucky to get you on the team.
You want to know how lucky? They just made the playoffs the day before they hired me.
( chuckling ) Oh, my! I finally figured it out.
Life makes sense, and I am not crazy.
Well, that's only a layman's opinion.
Sam is a ringer.
Evan just hired him to win the championship.
In two weeks, he'll be out of there.
Now, Rebecca, you can't tell him that.
At least let the man enjoy his day in the sun.
( laughing and chatting ) All right.
Sam has taken enough hard knocks this year.
No, it's pleasure enough for me to just know.
I won't break his heart.
Oh, hey, uh, Rebecca, the guys decided that you could be our cheerleader on one condition.
Lose the bra.
( raucous laughter ) I won't break his heart.
I will rip it from his chest.
( laughs ) Here are those copies of your report, Mr.
Oh, great.
You got colored paper.
Hey, hey.
Look at that.
Lots of input.
Am I interrupting anything? Oh, hey, Rebecca.
No, come on in.
Thank you, Mimi.
Well, Rebecca welcome to the, uh, executive office.
Would you like to have a seat in the executive chair there? Or maybe on the executive sofa? Or how 'bout the executive lap? ( cackling ) ( cackling ) ( cackling stops ) No, but, uh, seriously, uh, what-what brings you down to corporate? Oh, I have a little information about your promotion that I'm going to really enjoy sharing with you.
Oh, yeah.
Before you do, there's something I want to talk to you about, too.
Uh, sit down, please, sit down.
( sighs ) Uh I just want to say tha-that I'm sorry, you know, for teasing you the way I did and everything.
I know we both had a lot of fun with it, but i-it wasn't right.
That's okay.
I just wanted No, no, no.
See, it, it wasn't okay.
I mean, absolutely not.
I I think I was just trying to, you know, show off in front of the guys.
Truth is this is all kind of new to me.
I keep expecting somebody to come through the door and say, "Malone, job's over.
You're through.
"Get out of here," and it's a big joke.
Is it my turn now? No, in a second, in a second.
You know, the, uh first thing that I did-- when I was alone in the office here-- I, uh, called my father, who I hadn't talked to for over three years.
And when I told him where I was sitting, you know, what I was looking out at, and, uh, what, what my title is ( sighs ) for the first time ever, he told me how proud he was of me.
( chuckling ): Anyway.
Whoa! Uh, what-what are you dying to tell me here? ( clears throat ) Just that we are darn proud of you, too.
Oh, thank you! God, that's great.
Thank you.
Hey, hey, get a load of this.
My folks, uh-- their wedding anniversary is next month.
I'm gonna fly them in here, and I'm gonna give them the grand tour.
I just can't wait to see their faces.
What? Sam I didn't want to have to tell you this, but now I have to.
All right, all right, What do you got? No, I actually did want to have to tell you this, but I wanted to enjoy it, and now you've ruined that, and I have to tell you anyway.
You're not gonna be here next month.
What do you mean? Malone, you're a ringer.
( gasps ) Ooh, I did like doing it a little bit.
Wh-What do you mean, ringer? I mean that Evan just hired you to win the championship.
And when that's over, you're history.
Oh, boy.
I should have expected this.
Sam, it's just the way of the business world.
No, no, no, no.
I mean, that you are jealous.
How petty of you.
I can't believe this.
You know, the fact that I played baseball has nothing to do with this job.
I am a good executive.
And, you know, you are way off base, and I'm gonna prove it to you.
Mimi, get-get Mr.
Drake on the phone right away.
Right away, Mr.
Sam, you don't have to do this.
You know, I was hired for a lot of reasons.
Like what? Yeah, I'll tell you, "like what," like this report, for example.
This sucker is loaded with input.
Sam, as one friend to another, I really am just trying to do you a favor.
( buzzing ) Mr.
Drake is still in a sales meeting.
What do you mean, a sales meeting? Why aren't I there? I-I'm the Eastern the Western I-I'm the Southwest I'm the "Eastern Regional Sales Manager.
" I don't know, but he said to rest up your arm because you're starting tonight.
Well, there's just probably some mix-up.
You know, maybe I missed a memo or something.
I'm gonna go, uh, straighten this out right now.
( clears throat ) Don't you have a job to go to or something? ( sighs ) ( cackling ) ( cackling continues ) Mimi, call Maintenance.
All right, have your people coordinate with Marketing.
We'll get this campaign on the boards.
Will do.
Sorry I'm late.
I guess that about wraps it up.
Uh, say, before you go, I just want to say that I'm really backed up with paperwork, and I won't be able to make the game tonight.
What? What? Can't make the game? Hey, wait a minute, Evan.
I-I didn't give up my office two weeks to let this guy do paperwork.
Easy, Heppel.
Heppel? What? You're Heppel? But I thought that you were supposed ( murmuring ) Oh, boy.
I-I am a ringer.
That's right.
I'm right, aren't I, that I'm a ringer? Well, I'll be straight with you, Sam.
Sure, we originally hired you to pitch for the softball team, but, uh, actually, you've turned out to be somewhat of a surprise.
Oh? Yeah, yeah, you're a much better hitter than we anticipated.
( all agreeing ) ( indistinct praises ) Come on.
Man, this really bites it.
I mean, here I thought you wanted me for my mind, and it turns out you just wanted me for my body.
Where have I heard that before? ( clears throat ) Is it really that bad, Sam? I mean, you make good money.
Everyone around here likes you.
What's the problem? The problem is that, you know, as soon as softball season's over, I'm out of here.
You don't have to be.
We'll find a place for you.
I mean, uh, softball season next year.
No, no, no.
You know, if I'm gonna stay here, I want it to be for legitimate reasons.
I mean, come on, Evan, at least look at my report.
Now, if you think that I have what it takes, you know, after looking at that, to be an executive right here, right now, the way I am, then, you know, then fine.
But otherwise, I think you know, we should just shake hands like gentlemen and part company.
Ho! Lock up your women! Sammy's back.
( all greeting ) Sam, you know, I'm sorry to hear about the termination there, buddy.
Yeah, tough luck, pal.
Hey, easy come, easy go.
No, truth is, it was a shock, but then I, uh ( clears throat ) I went into the executive washroom, and I splashed some water on my face, and I looked in the mirror, and the mirror looked back and said, "You're not an executive, man.
Get back to where you belong.
" All right.
Smart there.
I thought they only had mirrors like that in the movies.
It's good to be back.
Oh, Miss Howe will sure be relieved.
Yeah? She said that you'd be shattered and we should all be really nice to you.
She did, huh? Mm-hmm.
Well maybe I ought to go set her mind at ease.
( knocking ) Hi, Rebecca.
How are you, Sam? Well, I'm kind of shattered.
I was afraid you might be.
( groans ) Do you mind if I stand here for just a little while? It's kind of hard for me to go back out there after what happened.
( clears throat ) I feel so humiliated.
You just take as long as you need.
Would you like to talk about it? You mean about how bad I feel? Yeah, you know, sometimes that helps.
Well, I feel pretty bad.
So bad.
I know.
And I feel terrible that I had to tell you.
Oh, well there's no sense in us both feeling so bad.
Oh, God.
I just hate to see you like this.
Oh oh.
You know Hmm? sometimes these things happen.
But you will always have your job here.
Oh, it's not just losing the job.
It's that I was, you know, taken advantage of.
I know.
I know.
You know, that I was used, that I was just, you know, manipulated by somebody who just cynically wanted to get something from me.
Malone, what are you doing? I-I'm feeling bad.
No, you are feeling pretty good.
Okay, I admit it.
I'm not a sad guy.
I'm a happy, horny guy.
You know we need pity, too.
Oh, God, you are choice, Malone.
You are just really choice.
You will do anything for a roll in the hay.
If you will play on my sympathies, then you will stoop to anything.
God, I am tired of fighting you.
I just don't have the strength to do it anymore.
If this is what you really want, then by all means.
Take me here.
Take me now.
Please, please.
Are you serious? Oh, yes.
I want it bad.
Well, all right.
Is something wrong? Oh, nothing.
Oh, baby, oh, baby.
Le-Let me get this straight.
Is this what I can expect in the way of full participation? Until I get tired.
( Sam grunts ) REBECCA: Was it good for you?