Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - Our Hourly Bread

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Hey, Sack-Happy, how you doing? Hey, there, Rubber Thumbs.
Hey, I thought you'd be on a dim route by now.
I don't see you pushing many number one sacks there, Clavin.
What the heck are they talking about? It's kind of a postal rap.
Hey, there's a flap that you had a brush with utility.
Ah, 604 is all the way.
Yeah, well, you know the scheme fin.
You know, I actually once thought of asking Cliff what it all meant, but then it occurred to me he might tell me.
( piano intro playing ) Making your way in the world today Takes everything you've got Taking a break from all your worries Sure would help a lot Wouldn't you like to get away? Sometimes you want to go Where everybody knows your name And they're always glad you came You want to be where you can see Our troubles are all the same You want to be where everybody knows your name You want to go where people know People are all the same You want to go where everybody knows your name.
Well, I, I can't put this off another minute.
What's up, Frasier? I'm a man in a predicament, Sam.
I've got to find a gift for the dearest, sweetest, most wonderful woman on Earth.
So, you finally dumped Lilith, huh? No.
It's our one-month anniversary, and I'm just stumped about what to get her.
Any suggestions? Well, you could get her a nice "mank.
" "Mank"? Yeah.
You know, it's a mock mink.
I got one for Vera.
You cannot tell it from the real thing.
It's great.
Unless, of course, it rains, and then you just toss it in the dryer, and you leave the house for a couple hours.
Well, I suppose I'll think of something.
Wish me luck.
Hey, Cliff, new suit? Oh, well, no, actually, I just had it dry cleaned there, Doc.
Uh, hey, Woody.
a beer, and uh, one for mi compadre here, Normie.
Are you all right? Yeah, no, it's just Sorry.
I thought Cliff was going to buy me a beer.
Well, uh, well, I am.
Hey, hey, Norm, Norm, no, come on, now, knock it off there, will you? Geez.
It's just that my annual civil service raise came in today, you know, at three and a half percent, just like clockwork, you know, as if, uh, carrying that bag wasn't honor enough.
Wow, Mr.
Clavin, you got a raise, huh? Yup.
I've been hoping for a raise for two years now.
I haven't gotten diddly.
Well, Woody, that is an outrage.
You ought to walk right up to Miss Howe, look her square in the eye, and demand diddly.
( laughing ) Ah, tell you what, you work overtime, you get over-diddly, pal.
( laughing ) And, uh, diddly- and-a-half on weekends, ( laughing ): and, uh, golden diddly on holidays, too.
Uh, Cliff, Cliff The secret is knowing when to stop.
Hey, uh, Sam? Yeah? Do you think Miss Howe would give me a raise if I asked her? Well, let's see, uh, you're a good bartender, you've never had a vacation, you never been out sick.
Probably not.
Aw, gee, really, Sam? Oh, she's tough.
Maybe if you get her in a good mood.
Uh, how do I do that? Well, put her in a good mood, you know? Be nice to her; compliment her.
Compliment-- right.
Okay, thanks, Sam.
I'll do it.
Uh, what should I compliment? I don't know; first thing you see, Woody.
REBECCA: Come in.
Miss Howe, did I ever tell you you have a nice? uh, smile? Thank you, Woody.
( softly ): Yeah.
Was there something you wanted? Well, uh, Miss Howe, I've been here at Cheers for quite a while now.
I'm a good worker, I don't take vacations, I'm never sick, and I was just wondering if No, Woody, Woody, I'm going to have to stop you right there.
I cannot give you a title.
"Title"? Yes, I know you deserve it, but the front office just doesn't let me hand those things out.
No, Miss Howe, you don't understand.
You know, sometimes people work here ten, 15 years before receiving a title.
How can I justify? Miss Howe, I want a raise.
Oh, is that all? That's fine.
How much do you want? Just like that? Well, of course.
I thought you came in here to beat me out of a title, but if you just want to settle for money, well, that's fine.
Wait a minute.
Let's just stick with this title thing.
No, no, Woody, you said you would settle for a raise.
Now, I'm going to hold you to it.
Oh, no, I blew it! I should have demanded a title.
Money gets spent, but titles are forever.
No, Woody, I told you Doggone it, Miss Howe, you're not going to palm some raise off on me.
I don't want money.
I-I deserve a title.
Woody, I've met some tough negotiators in my life All right, you deserve it.
I'll go to the mat for you.
You're the new Senior Bartender.
Get out! Senior Bartender?! Wait till I tell my folks! To think I came in here asking for a stupid little raise, and now this.
I just hope it doesn't go to my head.
Oh that's what's nice about you, Woody.
Nothing ever goes to your head.
So, did you get the raise? Sammy, Sammy, Sammy, Sammy, Sammy.
There's more to life than money.
Oh, no, you didn't get the raise.
I got something much better.
You're looking at Cheers' new Senior Bartender.
Oh, Woody, you didn't fall for that, did you? Fall for what? Oh, man, she conned you.
She talked you into accepting a title instead of a raise.
I don't believe you.
Hey, I'd like to see you do better.
( chuckling ): Hey she may be able to pull the wool over your eyes, but not mine.
As a matter of fact, I'll prove it to you.
You know, I'm due for a raise around here.
Behold the master here.
Woody, watch the bar.
Considering my new title, I don't think you can just give me orders like that.
You're right.
Please forgive me.
Um, I respectfully request permission to ask you to watch the bar, sir.
Money can't buy that kind of respect.
I was wondering The answer is no.
Oh, come on, a little raise is not going to kill you.
No, a little raise is not going to kill me.
And neither are those little free rounds of drinks we're always giving everyone.
Or the little bar tabs all our friends are always running up.
But you add them all together, and they spell bankruptcy.
Which is probably more than you can do.
Wait a minute.
What do you mean "bankruptcy"? We're losing money, Sam.
And as long as we are, no one's getting a raise.
All right, all right.
But if you want to go out there and save face in front of your friends, I can give you a title just like I did Woody.
Oh come on.
A-a title to save face? How childish do you think I am? Senior Bartender, huh? Well, Wood, you know, I'd say a, uh, little promotion like that kind of deserves a round of drinks on the house.
Aw, gee, Mr.
Peterson, I'd love to, and I-I'm real sorry, but gosh, I-I just don't think I'd better.
Boy, you give a guy a title, he turns into a fascist.
So, Wood, now that you scratched and clawed your way to the top of your profession, are you still going to talk to us little people? "Little people"? Oh, right, uh, you folks don't like to be called midgets anymore.
Sure, I'll talk to you.
It won't be easy with your tongue in another state.
So, Sam, how much did you get? Well, it's kind of complicated, Woody.
It's all tied up with bonuses and stock options.
But I can tell you that, uh, you're looking at the new Executive Supervising Bartender.
NORM: Well, congratulations, Sammy.
You know, I'd say a promotion like that kind of deserves a round of drinks on the house.
Nice try, man.
Well, you know.
You just couldn't stand it, Sam, could you? That I had a title and you didn't.
Oh, come on, Woody.
These titles don't mean anything.
You want to switch? Right.
Senior Bartender.
Like I've been dying for that one all my life.
Hey, at least mine's a real great title and not a stupid made-up one like yours.
Hey, mine is not made up.
Hey, hey, all right, all right, all right, knock it off, all right?! Will the Senior Idiot Bartender and the Executive Supervising Moron shut their yaps for about ten seconds? You're bartenders.
That's it.
You're a bartender and you're a bartender, period.
( door shuts ) Carla's right.
I'm sorry.
Yeah, me, too.
I, however, am the Managing Director of Waitresses.
NORM: Well, uh, congratulations, Carla.
You know, I'd say Give it up, Norm.
That does it.
What? Miss Howe, I heard about Carla and Sam's new titles, and I must say I've got a problem.
You've got a problem? I'll tell you about problems.
I will tell you all about problems.
We've been losing money for the last three months.
I have just been informed that if we continue to lose money, the bar is going to be put on the block, and then my career will be over, and so will everyone's drinking days here at Cheers.
Understood? ( door shuts ) Well maybe it isn't exactly my place to say this, but Cheers means about as much to me as it does to anyone here.
This is, uh, pretty bad news.
I'd say bad news like this deserves a sympathy round of drinks on the house.
What? Oh, what?! You really don't think we're gonna lose the bar, do you? I don't know.
I mean, what are we gonna do? Where are we gonna go? Home? All right, listen, listen, listen.
We-We got to think of some way to drum up business.
Well, what do you want us to do, force people to drink here? Pour beers down their throats? No, Carla.
Well, don't be hasty, Sam.
Let her talk.
SAM: Norm, you-you work for the big firms.
What do they do when they need a lot of money? All right, first off, they They go and fire all the dead wood.
Yeah, then what? I'm long gone by then, Sam.
Well, what if we got something real valuable that everybody wanted, and then gave away chances to win it? A raffle? Sam, would you mind giving my idea a little consideration before you just jump in with yours? No, no, no R-Rebecca, hey, I think we, uh We put our heads together here and came up with a solution to your problem.
Sam, please.
This is my problem.
I'll handle it by myself.
No, hey, listen.
Everybody needs a little help now and then.
( sighs ) All right, Sam, what's your great idea? Well, I-I think you're gonna like it.
It's-it's, uh, real special.
I-I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.
It's, uh well, we hold a raffle.
Oh, please.
Well, actually, it was, uh, Woody's idea.
We could give away a Caribbean cruise.
Hey, Woodchuck, not a bad idea.
You think she just handed me this title? SAM: Listen, it'd be perfect.
I mean, people would be pouring in here.
We'll be out of the red in no time.
Come on, let's give it a shot.
All right.
Why not? It's a mark of how desperate I am that I'm willing to take any half-baked, hair-brained scheme from a bunch of bozos like this.
All we ask for is a little faith.
( door closes ) Eureka! I have found it.
Sam, anything compare to the ebullient feeling one gets having discovered and then purchased a fine work of art? Yeah, sticking your foot in a pan of scalding hot water when you got a fungus itch.
Well, you may not know art, but you know what you like.
So, uh, correct me if I'm wrong there, Doc, but that's from the, uh, Machiavellian Cubist era, isn't it? No, Cliff, but, uh, thank you for participating just the same.
No, my anniversary gift to Lilith is an abstract expressionist piece.
Would it be rude to ask what something like that might cost? No, not if you like and appreciate it.
Sorry to interrupt.
SAM: Say, Frasier, w-why'd you buy her a painting? Why-Why not get her something she might actually want? Oh, no, Lilith will love this.
It's an original Tidwell.
See, it represents man's struggle against intransigent fate.
It's called Number Seven.
Here, here.
Drink it in for a moment.
And what does it say to you? It says, we got a live one.
I don't know.
I kind of like it.
Looks like a couple of dogs getting real familiar.
Oh, wow.
CARLA: Yeah.
Oh, yeah, it sure does.
Somebody, hose 'em down.
I should have known better than to show you Philistines a fine work of art.
Rebecca? Yes.
Uh, do you mind if I keep this in your office for a few days? It's my anniversary gift to Lilith.
I hope she loves you very much.
Woody, aren't you finished numbering those Ping-Pong balls yet? Almost.
I'm just putting happy faces on all the zeros.
There's a shocker.
Boy, I can't believe this.
This place has been packed for two weeks now.
This contest was a great idea.
I don't know.
I kind of like the way it used to be around here.
Yeah, know what you mean, Normy.
All these damn people here treating us like some kind of public gathering place.
I think this little raffle idea of mine turned out pretty well, don't you? Don't you think you ought to give me a little thank you? A little pat on the back? Or you on your back? Oh, Sam, when you say things like that, you make me love you even more.
You're being sarcastic, right? Are you? Oh, Dr.
Crane, I'm glad you're here.
I hate to mention this, but you've had that picture of the two dogs in my office for quite a while now.
When are you giving that to Lilith? I'm going to give it to her tonight.
And by the way, they are not-- and I can't say this more emphatically-- two dogs.
I want them out of my office.
They keep reminding me of how lousy my social life is.
Yeah, but to be honest with ya, I wouldn't mind winning that Caribbean cruise prize.
Yeah, call me Ishmael, but, uh Well, the Clavin men, uh, all go down to the sea.
I guess I must have salt water in my veins.
Too bad there isn't an air bubble.
LILITH: Frasier? Oh, why there she is now, the ray of sunshine I call my blushing bride.
Dear, that color jacket is not good on you.
Sorry, fellas, she's all mine.
You can't have her.
( Frasier laughs ) Well, anyway, Happy Anniversary, my sweet.
Same to you.
Are you ready for dinner? Yes.
Oh, just first, I've got a little surprise for you.
Now close your eyes.
Oh, Frasier, love, I'm really not a proponent of surprises.
My father once asked me to close my eyes, and he left for two years.
Well, then, keep your eyes open.
Uh, by the way, are you familiar with the artist Tidwell? Of course.
Isn't he the one who did the painting of the two dogs commingling, then sold it for an ungodly amount of money to some ninny? Yes, that's him.
Well, what's my surprise? Oh, surprise.
Well, it's nothing, really.
It's no big deal.
( laughs ) It's just, um, my car.
Why, Frasier, I'm overwhelmed.
Your Mercedes? You know, nothing says loving like something from Stuttgart.
Shall we? But what does this have to do with Tidwell? Oh, well, that's his name, you see.
I give all my possessions, uh, pet names.
Well, by the way, my, uh, cufflinks, Bert and Ernie.
WOODY: Attention.
Attention, everyone.
Now's the moment we've all been waiting for.
I hope you're as excited as I am, because this is probably the most exciting event I've ever been to in my entire life.
Well, e-except for the time that our prize cow Velveeta gave birth to a two-headed calf.
Now I don't know how many of you have seen a two-headed calf get born, but the ones who have will bear me out.
Woody, Woody.
Actually, it's not as exciting as you might think.
Only one of the heads could move.
The other one just seemed kind of dazed.
Hey, Woody, pick the damn number, will you then? Oh, okay, okay.
( crowd murmurs with anticipation ) And the winner of the Cheers all-expense paid trip to the Caribbean is Number 99.
Hey, that's me! ( applause and cheering ) ( Caribbean music playing ) Say, Woody, uh, when you turn this it kind of looks like a 66, doesn't it? It sure does.
WOODY: Uh, excuse me.
We have a correction.
WOODY: The winner is 66.
I've got it.
I'm 66! ( cheering, Caribbean music plays ) Everybody, stop the music, stop the music! ( music stops ) What's going on here? You called 99.
MAN: Oh, he's right.
It is 99! ( cheering, music resumes ) SAM: Whoa, whoa.
( whistles ) Hey, stop the music here.
Uh, Wood, Woody, man, we've got a little problem here.
MAN 2: Hey, what's going on? W-What's the problem? You chose 99 first.
( patrons clamoring ) Yeah, but but 66 comes before 99.
( patrons clamoring ) Hey, hey, hey, hey, what the hell kind of place is this? Who's the manager here, and why aren't they serving free drinks to calm this angry crowd? ( cheering and whistling ) CLIFF: This is This starting to stink as rotten as those, uh, game show fixes back in the '50s.
( patrons clamoring ) REBECCA: Gentlemen Gentlemen, excuse me here.
There's obviously been some mistake, and I'm very sorry about that, but would one of you please have the decency to just give up the trip? No way! Forget it.
Forget it.
No, lady, no.
Hey, hey, whoa, whoa, come on.
You guys don't really want to go to the Caribbean, do you? Do you have any idea what the sun does to your skin down there? Oh, what are you talking about? I'll tell you what I'm talking Here, I want to introduce you to last year's winner, man.
He's actually 24.
I fell asleep on the beach.
Yeah, thank you.
See what I'm talking about.
Listen, lady, I don't want to be a hard case about this, but if I don't get my trip, you'll be hearing from my lawyer.
Hey, what's your boss's name? I want to complain.
That's it.
I've had it.
My career is over.
Oh, no, come on, don't give up now.
Listen, you have come so far to get to where you are.
You gonna throw all that away? Come on, go back out there and fight.
Show them how tough you are.
How? Cry your pretty little eyes out.
No man can resist that.
That is insulting.
I will not use those tactics.
I will handle this in a professional, businesslike manner.
All right, all right.
Excuse me, gentlemen.
There has been a mistake made, but I am the manager, and I'm willing to take responsibility.
What's important to me is that I have two satisfied customers, so I'm going to see to it that both of you get that trip.
All right.
Of course, that will probably mean the end of my job.
My career.
My life, actually.
But I don't want that to have any bearing on this.
( voice breaking ): I just want you both to be really happy.
And maybe you could send me a postcard from the Caribbean and address it to me at Oh, I don't know.
The YWCA or skid row or something.
( crying ) Now wait a minute, there, dear, don't cry, uh ( crying ) You won't lose your job.
I'll, uh, give up the prize.
You-You will? Yeah, sure.
I never win anything anyway.
I've always been a loser.
I've never been able to hold down a job.
Uh The, uh, wife left me a couple of years ago, and the my, uh My kids won't talk to me.
I ( sobbing ) REBECCA: Oh, there, there.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, listen, uh I-I don't really need to go to the Caribbean.
You go.
No, no.
No, no, no.
I-I want you to go.
Oh, yeah, my wife will understand.
I'm married to the most wonderful woman in the world.
I mean, she's so kind, so understanding.
And to think that she can maintain such a wonderful attitude, despite being confined to that wheelchair.
It's just CLIFF: That's That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard.
You know something, they should both go.
( many people voicing assent ) Yeah, they should both go.
Hey, wait a minute, wait a minute.
What about my sob story? I got eight kids.
( sobbing ) Heard it.
Well, how can they both go? We don't have enough money for two trips.
Well, that figures, huh? Oh, what a rip-off! MAN 3: Yeah.
Uh, whoa, whoa, hey, hey, take it easy.
Take it easy now.
Maybe they can't both go on a cruise, but they can Uh, they can both win a prize.
( crowd chatter ) What are you talking about? Well, sure, sure, our other first prize.
Listen, one of you guys can go on the cruise, and the other one gets this very, uh, very, special surprise.
Yeah, we have a We have a wonderful, uh, wonderful other first prize.
It's a-a beautiful painting.
Huh? Oh, my God, is that an original Tidwell? Y-Yes, it certainly is.
I've always wanted a Tidwell.
Um Uh, would, uh Would mind taking the cruise? Not at all.
( laughs ): Thanks.
Boy, I've dreamed of owning a Tidwell all of my life.
And you tried to tell us you were a loser.
( laughing ) Thanks.
Oh, music.
( cheering, music continues ) Say, does that, uh, painting give you any idea how to thank me? Yes, Sam.
Next week, we'll all chip in and have you fixed.
Uh, excuse me, folks.
We still have the consolation prize to give away.
Ping-Pong balls.
SAM: No, Woody, Woody, Woody, man, don't do that.
All right.
And the winner of the Cheers consolation prize is Number 11! Oh, no, here we go again.
SAM: No, Woody, let me explain something to you.