Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - Slumber Party Massacre

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
( phone ringing ) There you go.
Cheers.
Oh, yeah, hi, Vera.
Uh, let me see if he's here yet.
Oh, yeah, he just walked in.
Yeah, here he is right now.
All right, bye.
Yeah, yeah, it's for you.
Hi, honey.
Yeah.
I, I have no idea.
I mean, uh did you try that broom closet? Well, how about the pantry? Well, that would be a good place to look, okay? All right.
Okay, let me know, thanks.
Oh, here.
Well, what's Mrs.
Peterson doing? I don't know, she's looking for the fire extinguisher.
Was there a fire in your house? I have no idea.
Should I have asked? ( piano plays ) Making your way in the world today Takes everything you've got Taking a break from all your worries Sure would help a lot Wouldn't you like to get away? Sometimes you want to go Where everybody knows your name And they're always glad you came You want to be where you can see Our troubles are all the same You want to be where everybody knows your name You want to go where people know People are all the same You want to go where everybody knows your name.
( cheering ) ( indistinct sportscast on TV ) ( dings loudly ) REBECCA: Attention, everyone, attention! I'm getting rid of that television.
( groaning ) And I am replacing it this weekend with a new 27-inch screen TV with a direct hookup to the Cable Sports Channel.
Thank you.
( applause and cheering ) Kind of a jerky thing to do, but I liked it.
NORM: That means we'll be able to watch that world welterweight championship bout between Hector "The Hammer" Rodriguez and Julio "The Hacker" Rodriguez.
Who do you think's gonna win? My money's on Rodriguez.
Julio "The Hacker" Rodriguez has got a glass jaw.
My uncle Fergie had a glass eye.
He used to take it out and scare the cat.
This is Cheers, Dorothy.
Isn't it amusing? Frasier, would you be a dear and get us some drinks? Sam, can I have three martinis please? Make mine a double.
How's married life treating ya? Quite a change, huh? Well, you know, Lilith and I did live together for a year before we wed.
So other than the fact that I now see it stretching endlessly before me, until I lie rotting in the grave, there's no real difference.
Now, Lilith, if you, your family, and generations of your ancestors had lived with the boot of oppression on your throat, would cutting out a man's heart seem that extreme? So who's the party girl? Dorothy Greenberg.
She's an old childhood chum of Lilith's from New York.
She's been visiting for a week.
She's a professional student.
She's writing her dissertation on the Comuneros' uprising in Paraguay during the 1700s.
She can't talk about anything else.
Believe me, when you've heard one Bruno de Zavala joke, you've heard them all.
Sam, I got to get this over with.
Listen, there's something I got to ask you, and I don't want you to take it the wrong way.
What is it? Would you come to dinner at my house tonight? Hey, I thought we were friends.
Well, it's just that Eddie wants us to practice our social skills so he can invite his boss over to dinner.
Can't you ask somebody else? Please? Come on.
I'm sure any one of the guys would love to go.
Guys, am I So, uh I'll expect you at 7:00? Yeah, all right.
All right.
Where'd you guys go? Go? Huh? We were right here all the time, Sammy.
By the way, uh, thanks for hogging that invitation to Carla's house all for yourself.
There's room for one more.
Sam, you sit here.
Thank you.
What is this, Sammy-- no date? Uh, your mom didn't want me to bring one.
I always like to be the prettiest woman in my house.
( chuckles ) And you always will be, baby.
You're no magazine cover yourself.
Now.
EDDIE: Oh, these look great.
Mm-hmm.
You know, Carla, it's, uh, nice to see you surrounded by such a loving family.
Oh, it's eerie, Sam.
Mmm.
I got a husband who does windows.
And all the kids are out of jail.
For the first time in my life, when morning comes around, I want to open up my eyes instead of my wrists.
That's beautiful, honey.
Uh, and who knows, Ma? Someday well, you can look forward to having grandkids.
( laughing ): Carla, a grandmother? You've got to be kidding.
No, no.
Sammy, it's true.
I think I'd like to be a grandmother someday.
I mean, get all the fun, none of the responsibility.
Just seeing the little brats when I want to.
I think you're gonna be surprised what a sweet little old granny I'll be.
That's great, 'cause I knocked up Annie good.
What!? Hey, hey, hey! Oh! Oh! Carla! Carla! Carla! What are you thinking of?! I just waxed that table.
Come here, come here.
Come on, come on.
Get off.
Come on.
Come here, come here.
And besides this is family business.
Let's, um Let's talk about this later, okay? ( sighs ) So what kind of car do you drive, Ed? I thought you said you wanted to be a grandmother.
Someday.
Like years from now, when you've moved thousands of miles away.
Carla, please.
I drive a Corvette myself.
How could you do this?! Hey, I'm going to be 20 in two years.
I can hear my biological clock ticking.
Do you know what it takes to raise a kid? Ma, will you relax? I got a job.
You think you can support a family pushing cheeseburgers?! Well, I thought we'd all stay here.
Ho-ho, great.
More people in this house.
I get about 19 on the highway, Whose stupid idea was this anyway? Hey, I was getting bored sitting around the house.
I thought this might give her something to do.
I'll give you something to do! Oh! EDDIE: No, no.
Carla, Carla, Carla! Come on.
Well if this is the way that we are going to be treated on the happiest day of our young lives, then I don't want to live in this house anymore! Anthony! You should probably come with me.
But we haven't eaten yet.
Your hair is full of bread crumbs.
We could butter your head and make a sandwich.
I had a sandwich for lunch! Oh, go on.
Go, go! Get out of here! Let's see how long you last on your own! I give you three days! Two, two tops! You hear me? Carla, come on.
Calm down.
Sammy, you get 15 in the city? Hey, so they're gonna have a baby.
They'll, they'll find their way through it.
You don't understand.
My life is over.
I'm going to be a grandmother.
I mean, I might as well wrap myself up in a black babushka, get fat and grow hairs out of my moles.
Oh, come on.
( laughs ) You're exaggerating.
Do I have to get out the family album? CARLA: Oh, God, this is terrible.
Look at my life.
I never had a childhood.
I married Nick when I was 15.
Never got to go to the prom or homecoming, to a slumber party, to Fort Lauderdale on Spring Break.
Or on one lousy date with Fabian.
Now I don't even get a middle age.
Go straight from grade school to Granny.
I don't know what to say, Carla.
Just don't say anything, okay? There's nothing anybody can say that's gonna change anything, so just don't say anything.
Yeah, but, Carla Sam, I said don't say anything.
Weren't you listening to me? Yes, Carla I said don't say anything! Nobody listens to me.
I listen to Shut up, shut up, shut up! Just stay away and leave me alone! I'm going to my room, wait for the angel of death.
Oh, here's one of my favorite paintings of the Comuneros.
It depicts the peasant army struggling to push this cannon to the top of the hill.
Later, they found out they were on the wrong hill and had fired on their own village.
These people had no luck.
That's fascinating, Dorothy.
Isn't that fascinating, Frasier? Oh, yes, yes.
You know, these stories make me long to visit Paraguay right now.
( hooting and cheering ) I hired you as a temporary waitress.
What on earth were you doing with your blouse off? Serving drinks.
This is not a topless bar.
What, I'm supposed to get tips for good service? Yes, dear, that's the way we do it around here.
Well, I'm sorry, but I don't beauties like these under wraps.
Out.
Out! God, that is the fourth temp waitress we've gone through.
I hate this bar.
Excuse me, Miss, can we get some service? Yes, sir.
WOMAN: Miss, this martini is too dry.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'll take care of that.
I've had it.
Isn't Carla ever coming back? I was not born to be a waitress.
I was born to manage waitresses.
Oh, Miss? You'll get it when I'm damn good and ready! Oh, God.
Well, we tried to cheer up Carla, but I don't think it worked.
Yeah? How far did you get? About a half block away.
She hit Mr.
Clavin with a rock.
Woody, uh, would you have a little look-see? Is there a lump up there? Well, let's see.
No.
Gee, Mr.
Clavin, do you pluck your eyebrows? ( groans ) We can't get along without Carla here.
How can we get her back? Uh, well, I don't know, but let's start at square one here.
We know that, uh, she's upset about having a grandchild, right? Another round, Sam? Coming right up.
Table 11, please.
Well, she was complaining that she'd missed out on all that teenage stuff, you know? Homecoming, proms, may What-What if we do something to take her back to her teen years? Like get her pregnant? CLIFF: No.
That's been done to death.
W-What else did she say? What else? Uh, let me think, let me think.
All right, something about a sleep over.
No, no, I know.
Slumber party.
Yeah, slumber party.
A slumber party? Right.
Well, that's it.
Why don't we just throw the woman a slumber party, and that'll cheer her up.
Recreating a ritual of youth is often just the thing to get someone out of depression centered on a fear of aging.
I find it also helps to listen to heavy doses of Credence Clearwater Revival.
REBECCA: Great.
I'm gonna do that.
SAM: All right.
REBECCA: Just one question.
What-what do you do at a slumber party? Well, the phrase "slumber party" would imply that one sleeps, but somehow I sense that's meant to be ironic.
Terrific.
We're really on a roll here.
I have a patient of that age.
I suppose I could do some research and help you put something together.
REBECCA: Thank you, Lilith.
I would really appreciate that.
LILITH: Certainly.
Say, Rebecca, if you're in need of some extra guests, I know a couple of fun-loving gals who could really use a night on the town away from boring old me.
And, uh, Lilith, you've always told me that you found Carla an interesting, uh psychological case study.
Won't you be lonely? FRASIER: Well, it'll give me a chance to be alone with Dorothy's books and a roaring fire.
Well, what do you say, Lilith? Big wheel keep on turning Proud Mary keep on burning Rolling Rolling Rolling Rolling BOTH: Rolling on the river You know, you don't often get to see them loosen up like this.
( whispering ): Come on in, the coast is clear.
Hi, Eddie.
Hey, how you doing? Good.
Hi, uh how are you? There you go.
Thank you so much.
Sure, sure.
All right, I'm gonna put on the 45s.
Where's Carla? She's in the back room knitting.
Oh, that's a sign she's perking up.
I don't think so.
It's her death shroud.
Oh, no.
I forgot the marshmallows for the hot chocolate.
That's okay, we'll use the ones for the s'mores.
Then what will we use for the s'mores? Why don't we just skip the s'mores? You've been trying to get rid of the s'mores since we've started.
No, I haven't.
You most certainly have Shh! Shh! Go get Carla.
Hey, Carla, could you come out here for a second? CARLA: No! I'd like to discuss something about your, uh, grave site.
CARLA: Be right there.
( door opens ) Now! ALL: Surprise! What the hell are you doing here? ALL: We're having a slumber party! LILITH: That's right, Carla.
Hold on to your hat; the gals are here.
Eddie, get the gun.
Now, Carla, we know you're down, but being alone is no way to deal with depression.
You need your friends around you.
Good idea.
Who the hell are you? Dorothy.
Dorothy Greenberg.
Well, listen, Dorothy, Dorothy, get the hell out of here, and take all this crap with you.
Now, come on, Carla.
Go, go, go! Come on.
Why'd you let them in? Because for the last four days you've been sitting around moping and whining and scaring the kids.
I mean, for God's sake, you haven't yelled at them once.
Don't you think children notice those things? You're right, I'm not a fit mother.
I'll leave immediately.
No, no, no.
Come on, Carla, look.
Look, if you're not gonna do this for yourself, will you do it for me? I can't live with you like this anymore.
Look, sweetie, gi-give it a chance, would you? Come on, give it an hour.
( sighs ) Look, if I do this, would you and the Supremes promise to leave me alone, get off my back? We promise.
All right, let's get the thing over with.
Let the slumber party begin.
I'm going to take off for about an hour, then I'm gonna come back and help you clean up after you have all your wacky gal fun.
Bring body bags.
Well, Lilith, you have the list.
Where do we start? ( paper rustling ) All right, let's see.
All right, so on the list we have to do, uh, each other's hair.
Then we talk about boys.
Ooh, tell scary stories.
Have a pillow fight, and then for the grand finale, assorted madcap pranks.
What kind of pranks? According to my patient, when the first person falls asleep, the others take her underwear, dip it in water and then put it in the icebox for an hour to freeze it solid.
Or they could let you wear it for ten minutes.
Why don't we just move to the pillow fight? Do that again, and they'll be tracing you in chalk.
Uh-oh, Carla.
I saw the corners of your mouth twitching.
Are there little elves pulling on them? Up.
Up.
Oh, here they go again.
Are you trying not to smile? No, I'm getting ready to spit on you.
CLIFF: Yep, in a little under an hour, Hector "The Hammer" Rodriguez will be nailing Julio "The Hasbeen" Rodriguez into the canvas on our new TV.
Cliffie, in your dreams.
I say "The Hammer" goes down in five rounds.
You're on.
I say three.
Two.
All right.
Get some money up here.
We don't even have a manual.
How are you gonna hook that thing up? WOODY: Easy, Sam.
They included a special videotape showing exactly how to hook everything up.
So all we have to do is hook everything up, watch the tape, and then we'll know exactly what to do.
Okay, how long before Woody spots the flaw in his reasoning? I say, uh, eight minutes.
Give me three.
Okay, I say five.
I say two.
Yeah, I'm in, I'm in.
( phone rings ) Wait a minute, wait a minute.
There you go.
I'm in for ten.
Cheers.
Sam, we're over here at Carla's, but things aren't going very well.
I thought that maybe you guys could come over and crash the party.
You know, something to shake things up a little bit? I'm desperate.
Oh, really? I bet you're kind of sexy when you're desperate, huh? Breathing heavily? Sam.
Is your chest heaving? Sam, please.
Is your nightgown clinging to your sweat-soaked body? Yes.
We're on our way.
Hang on here.
How can I hook this up to watch the tape if I don't know how to hook it up? Uh, two minutes.
No.
Who had two? ( groaning ) Listen, guys, uh, that was Rebecca.
Uh, slumber party's gone sour.
Let's go help her out.
Wait, wait, Sam, what about the fight? Oh, come on.
You think Woody's gonna be able to fix that? No one but Carla can hook up a TV around here.
So we'll go cheer her up and bring her back.
Don't be so harsh on the kid, Sam.
Have a little faith here.
Wait a minute.
What are all these wires? Party's gone sour, you say.
( soft rock playing ) Want another s'more? Not sweet enough for me.
I think I'll just have a bowl of syrup.
REBECCA: Look, Carla.
Lilith's hair is coming out nice.
Yeah, in clumps.
Carla, do you want me to fix your hair, too? What do you say? I say your hour is almost over.
Right.
Um, let's see what's next on the list? Ooh, good! We get to tell scary stories.
You want to hear a scary story? I'll tell you a scary story.
My life, that's a scary story.
Wonderful, Carla! Okay, who's next? ( doorbell rings ) Oh, I hope it's not some boys trying to crash our slumber party.
What?! Hi, listen.
What?! I know, I know you don't want to see me.
But I'll bet you want to see the Four Swell Guys.
We're going to be bringing you memories of your swinging teenage years.
( deepens voice ): Do you remember this, Carla? Duke, Duke, Duke, Duke of Earl Duke, Duke, Duke of Earl Duke, Duke, Duke of Earl Duke, Duke, Duke of Earl As I walked through this world Duke, Duke, Duke of Earl Nothing can stop Shut up! Duke, Duke Why do you all keep coming over here? We're trying to cheer you up.
Well, stop it! You can't cheer me up.
Why do people think they always have to rush over a-and talk somebody out of it when they're feeling lousy? ( Carla sighs ) Look, this grandmother thing is just something I have to work through, and I will in time.
There's nothing any of you guys could do.
Unless you can make me 15 again.
Can any of you make me 15 again? Well, can you? Look, if you really cared about me, you would just get out of my house and do what I asked you to a long time ago.
Just just leave me alone.
You mean you really want to be left alone? Let's go, guys.
Come on.
Now what? The party was stupid.
DOROTHY: This was not a stupid party.
Oh, well, I stand corrected.
It was the social event of the season.
Shut up.
Oh, yeah? You want a punch in the mouth? You're gonna be all right? Yeah.
I appreciate what you tried to do, Sam.
I'll be okay, you know? You know, something always comes along, some little something, makes everything work out.
But I got to find it myself.
You can't do it for me.
All right.
You know my number.
( door closes ) ( latch turns ) Sorry, Carla, I, uh ( clears throat ) just forgot my jacket.
( ripping sound ) Darn these pants.
Why do they keep doing this? I had them fixed.