Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - Bar Wars

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
WOODY: Carla, you look spiffy.
You going out tonight? Yeah, Eddie and I are catching a movie.
This is his last night in town.
He's going out on the road again with the ice show.
Uh-oh.
What's that supposed to mean? Oh, nothing.
Well, you know, I get this image of, you know, chorus girls in skimpy costumes, you know, skating around, lonely husband on the road, far away from his, uh, connubial connubials, if you know what I mean.
Well, y-you're not worried? Not at all.
I know my Eddie, and I trust him completely.
He is the sweetest, most faithful, loving husband in the whole world, and I thank God every day he married me.
If ever there was a one-woman man, it's Eddie LeBec.
Hey, Carla, what movie you going to see? Fatal Attraction.
( piano plays ) Making your way in the world today Takes everything you've got Taking a break from all your worries Sure would help a lot Wouldn't you like to get away? Sometimes you want to go Where everybody knows your name And they're always glad you came You want to be where you can see Our troubles are all the same You want to be where everybody knows your name You want to go where people know People are all the same You want to go where everybody knows your name.
Good evening, everyone.
You'll be glad to know I decided to take your advice and become more dynamic.
I have just left a seminar that has changed my life.
In a few short hours, I have become the essence of self assertiveness.
Five.
ALL: Four, three, two, one! ( cheering ) What's going on here? What's going on? Hey, I run this place.
What's happening? ( cheering continues ) ( whistling ) NORM: Yeah! If somebody doesn't tell me what's going on, I am gonna start crying.
SAM: Aw, we're sorry.
Uh, we didn't know you were here.
Today is our anniversary.
CLIFF: This is the day, two years ago where Cheers beat that scourge down the road, Gary's Old Town Tavern, in bowling! ( cheering, whooping ) That's-That's the big deal? It's the only time we ever won anything.
I take it that they've beaten us at things.
NORM: At everything.
Touch football, softball, darts, ugliest toes, you name it I think the current tally is 173 to one, but we are presently on a winning streak.
( cheering ) CARLA: Yeah! We're number one! ALL: We're number one! We're number one! MAN: Yeah.
We're number one! Sammy! Sammy! Isn't it about time for the call? CLIFF: Oh-ho! By golly, yes, it is.
Time to give him a call? ( bell ringing ) Hear ye, hear ye.
It's time for the ceremonial call to Gary's! The call! ALL: The call! The call! All right.
Yeah! Hello, Gary.
It's Sam Malone.
Yeah, I was just calling to say hi, see how you're doing.
No.
You know, for the life of me, I-I can't think of what brought you to mind.
No, wait a minute, may Maybe it was because two years ago tonight, we waxed your heinie in bowling! ALL: Yeah! ( blowing raspberry ) No, no.
Oh The poor sap is begging for a rematch.
No.
No, no.
I'm sorry, Gary, no.
No, there'll be no rematch.
The moment of victory is frozen in time.
That's right.
Gar Hello? Gary? ( laughs ) The guy is such a poor loser.
Drinks on the house! ( cheering and whistling ) Carla, Carla, once more around the bar, huh? Huh? All right.
MEN: We're number one! We're number one! Hold it.
Hold it! Where is the trophy? Who moved it? What? Oh, come on.
It's got to be around here somewhere.
SAM: Hey, now listen, this is not funny.
Where is the trophy? NORM: Wa-hay-hay hait a minute.
This smacks of Gary.
Hey, you mean he had a spy in here? Yeah, hey, that's right.
Who was that guy at the end of the bar drinking imported beer? Mm-hmm.
Very suspicious.
You know none of us can afford that stuff.
Let's storm the place! ( loud excited chatter ) Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Come on, let's not turn this into mob rule here.
Just a couple of guys go over and talk to him first.
Come on.
All right, Sam, I think you better take me because, uh, they got to be intimidated by the authority of my uniform.
SAM: Uh Actually, I think I'll take Woody.
You know, in case there's some trouble, I'd like to have someone young and strong around.
Come on, Woody.
( no audio ) Good luck.
( gasps ) MAN: Oh! Our trophy! CARLA: Oh, Sam! What did you do to Gary? Did you punch him right in the face? Uh, n-not exactly, no.
( clears throat ) He did ask out a waitress.
Hey.
Sam.
Hey.
What are you all sitting around here like a bunch of wimps for? It's what wimps do.
Let's go over to Gary's and torch the place! Come on! Oh, no, no, come on, whoa, whoa.
There's got to be a cooler way of doing this now.
We got to use a little cunning.
Yeah.
Yeah, I'd like to do something to Gary and make him really miserable.
Why don't you marry him? Why don't you? Why don't you? Why don't you? You! You! You! You! That's it! I do not want this thing getting out of hand.
If this bar becomes a high school locker room, my patronage, other than the Bowery Boys, will disappear.
FRASIER: No, in this case, I'm afraid I must agree with Rebecca.
Thank you, Dr.
Crane.
FRASIER: Well, it's-it's not for your dollar-grubbing, you know, front office, kissy face reasons, but it's because revenge is never the answer.
You see, a potentially unending cycle of juvenile retaliation can only lead to a well, a kind of mob mentality, which will ultimately result in a regrettable act.
CLIFF: Wait a minute, Doc.
When Diane left you at the altar, aren't you the guy who enrolled her in every tape, book, and record club known to mankind? Yes, but that was different.
The pompous witch deserved it.
SAM: No, no, no, no, come on.
We got to think of something to get our pride back.
Like what Sammy, huh? Well There is one thing you can beat Gary's Old Town Tavern at.
Oh, yeah? What's that? Maturity.
( blowing raspberry, gibbering ) ( all making goofy, rude noises ) ( indistinct conversation ) It's Al.
Hey, Al, why aren't you at Cheers? Holy mackerel, this isn't Cheers? Uh-oh, Malone's back.
And this time, he brought some muscle.
PATRONS: Ooh! Sammy, I-I can't go through with this, not when this guy's taking shots at me.
No, no, that was a shot at me.
You're right.
Yeah.
Okay.
Gary? Mm-hmm.
We're here in peace.
Now we want to let bygones be bygones, so we brought along some champagne to bury the hatchet.
What do you say, huh? Is that right? No tricks? No tricks.
Wow, that's damn decent of you, Malone.
Milt, some glasses.
I'll be honest with you.
I mean, last night at Cheers, all we could talk about was revenge.
That trophy meant a great deal to us.
But then, you know, cooler heads, light of day and all that kind of thing, we just well, we realized that to do battle with you would just destroy both of us.
At least we have the satisfaction of knowing that we, uh, we beat you in one thing.
Maturity.
Oh, actually, I'm afraid you came up short there, too.
I just sent a dozen roses over to Cheers with an apology note.
Oh.
Oh, well.
Here's to Cheers.
No, no, no.
To Gary's.
GARY: Yeah, to Gary's! Yeah! ( Carla laughing ) Whoo! Gary, Gary, I think maybe you ought to keep that back window locked.
You know, people could sneak in here and steal some of this fine crystal.
( Carla laughs ) SAM: Come, my little vandal, our job here is done.
You know what gets me about this, Malone? It's how weenie this stunt was.
This is the best you could come up with? I am embarrassed, all right.
Not for me, but for you.
( crowd murmuring ) MAN: That's pretty small.
Oh, yeah? I told you we should have fixed his brakes.
No, no You think I'm humiliated? I'm not humiliated.
Pretty weenie.
Now I'm humiliated.
Then, after lunch, I had a patient.
Three separate personalities, each one more boring than the other.
As a matter of fact, he's the only one who can tell them apart.
Now, Lilith, darling, let's remember our caveat.
No more shop talk.
It's the weekend.
It's time to engage in nice, normal conversation.
I'll, uh, get us some drinks.
Woody? Why do you have this obsession with labeling everything? Normal, abnormal, weekday, weekend.
Well, darling, I was only trying to create a certain In other words, control the conversation.
That's rather compulsive, isn't it? Well, how anal of you to notice.
Oh, the whole world's anal to you.
Well, what say we, uh, sleep in late tomorrow and have eggs Benedict? I love you.
Pest control.
Where should we start? Excuse me.
What's this about? Your rat problem.
Rat problem? Aren't you the one that called about a rat problem? No, of course not.
No.
We don't have rats.
Well, that's what we understand, ma'am.
Rats in the building-- big gray ones.
That's why we're here.
Excuse Everybody hold on.
There are no rats here.
Oh, of course, Rebecca, we believe you.
If you should run across any white ones, about yea big, I'd be happy to give you four dollars apiece for them.
What do you use them for? Snacks.
REBECCA: Everyone just stay where you are.
There are no rats.
Free round of drinks on the house.
I wouldn't do that, ma'am.
Those little buggers might already have gotten into your beer.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
I'll chance it.
Sam, did you call anyone about a rat problem? No, no.
We have a rat problem? Ew, God.
I didn't call, you didn't call.
Who called? Gary.
Gary.
Gary.
How did he know we have rats? Uh, look, if you need us, uh here's our card.
( both laughing ) Come again.
"Now that's a stunt.
Love, Gary.
" He's mine.
( all laughing ) Mess with us, huh? Wait till he finds the prune juice in his Kahlua.
Yeah, what about the sneezing powder in the ventilation system, huh? That was the coup de ville, huh? PATRON: Yeah, Gary's messed around with the wrong guys.
( all agreeing ) I wish I was there to see the stupid looks on their faces, you know? Hey, hey, who's the chrome dome? I don't know.
I've never seen him before.
Uh-huh.
Afternoon.
I'll have a draft.
Excuse me there, uh, pal of mine.
Yeah? Eh, what exactly are you, uh, doing in here? Getting a drink.
Aha.
So, uh, you're not from the neighborhood, are you? No, no, I'm from Framingham.
Uh, my wife's at Mass General.
She just had a double bypass, and I thought I'd unwind a little with a drink.
That okay? Sure.
Let's shave his head and put him on a bus! ( all agreeing ) Excuse me.
On second thought, I think I'll check to see if they have a juice machine in the ICU.
CLIFF: Yeah.
You do that, pal.
Hey, you tell Dr.
Gary the gang at Cheers says hello.
Huh? Right, huh? ( chuckling ): Okay.
I don't know.
What, does he think we're idiots or something? Did anybody remember to grease the bar stools over at Gary's? Oh yeah.
Yeah, I did.
Woody, get this man his favorite.
Hello, everyone.
( booing ) Thank you, thank you.
You're too kind.
May I please see the manager? I'm the manager.
Can I help you? Oh, so you're the manager.
Finally something in this place worth looking at.
I'm, uh, Gary from the Old Town Tavern.
Well, well, well.
I never expected to see you step foot in this bar.
Now I can call the exterminator.
Oh, gee, I'm sorry you feel that way.
Although I can't say I blame you.
Things did kind of get out of hand, but hey, we're both professionals here.
Why don't we just call this whole thing off before we lose any more customers? Look, uh, I have to admit, that when I first heard that you personally authorized some of these pranks, I was a little ticked off myself.
But now that I've met you, why don't we call that water under the bridge, and have a new era of peaceful coexistence? Hmm? All right.
Truce.
Whoa, I feel like a giant weight has been lifted from my shoulders.
Do you mind if I call you sometime and maybe we go out for a cup of coffee? Sure, why not? I like coffee.
Uh, see ya.
How could you do that? How could I do what? After all that's happened around here, you can go on a date with that rat? Would you please not say that word? I happen to think Gary made a lot of sense.
Besides, he's kind of cute.
Cute?! You think Gary's cute? Yeah, he's got a real cool face and a nice body.
He looks kind of like an athlete.
Hey, what am I? Jealous.
Excuse me.
( bleating ) ( screams ) There are sheep in my office! Whoa, sheep.
Ho-ho! You got to admire that, huh? I thought it smelled like home.
I'm gonna get him.
I'm going to rip his head off.
Aw, but he's so cute.
And then I'm going to tie him up, and I'm going to take a lighter, and I'm going to torch him from the tip of his toes to the top of his head.
How come you never do stuff like that to me? ( scoffs ) Don't worry about it.
Don't worry about it.
It's all taken care of here.
( whistles ) SAM: You all set? Yep.
Tool box, check.
Coaxial cable, check.
VCR, check.
Tape.
Check.
Good luck, babe.
Carla? Carla? Carla? You're not going to do anything illegal, are you? What makes you say that? Ladies and gentlemen! Ladies and gentlemen! Gary's Old Town Tavern is once again proud to present the finest in world-class boxing on the largest screen TV available in any bar in the greater Metropolitan Boston area! ( cheering, whistling ) Grab a drink, sit back, relax, and let the bloodletting begin! ( patron whoops ) TV ANNOUNCER: All right.
The months of waiting are over.
We've heard all the hype, we know how many millions are on the line.
This is the big one.
Here we go! ( loud static burst ) Good evening, I'm Norm Peterson.
And I'm Clifford C.
Clavin.
Welcome to an evening of poetry.
We're so glad that you've chosen to ignore the fisticuffs they're watching over at Cheers right now, uh, three blocks down and on your right, drinks half price if you mention, "Gary sent me.
" Tapped into the cable.
Instead, relax with us and enjoy as we read and interpret the many works of Dante Gabriel Rosetti, the famous 19th century poet and fancy guy.
Clifford? Norman I'd like to start with "The Ballad of the Dead Ladies.
" Ah.
An excellent choice.
It's written in iambic pentathlon with, uh, rhyming couplets, every couple of couplets.
"Tell me now, in what hidden way "is Lady Flora the lovely Roman?" NORM: Oh, oh, oh.
Hey, uh, Gary.
( patrons laughing ) NORM: What's up, buddy? I want to know, did you enjoy the, uh, fight the other night? CLIFF: Yeah.
Who'd you bet on-- Shelley or Keats? You guys are great.
I tell you, I didn't know you had it ya.
You know what? This is going to go down in the annals of gags as one of the greatest.
Here, give me your hands, guys.
I got something better for you, though, than a trophy now.
Come on, Gare.
No, no, no.
On the level.
No crossed fingers, standing on both feet.
I am a personal friend of Wade Boggs.
The Wade Boggs, who was gonna come over to my place, sign some autographs, but I rerouted him over here.
He should be here any minute.
You take good care of him, okay? You guys are the greatest.
I didn't know you had it in you.
( laughs ) Take care.
Did you guys hear that? Wade Boggs is coming here.
All right.
All right.
Who's Wade Boggs? "Who's Wade Boggs?"! He's only the greatest third baseman in Red Sox history.
Guy's a pure hitter.
He's only popped up six times in five years.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
I'm standing in a room full of idiots.
That's true.
What's your point? Gary's not gonna send the real Wade Boggs over to see us.
He's gonna get some guy in a Wade Boggs suit, claiming to be Wade Boggs.
We're all gonna slobber all over him, buy him drinks, beg him for autographs and Gary'll come in and bust a gut laughing at us.
( murmuring assent ) Excuse me.
Can I help you? Yeah, uh, Gary sent me over to sign some autographs.
Hi, I'm Wade Boggs.
Hi.
Wade Boggs, huh? ( Norm chuckles ) Yeah, how you doing? I'm Babe Ruth.
Yeah, I'm his, uh, good friend Dizzy Dean.
And I'm Woody Boyd.
Are you sure that isn't Wade Boggs? I mean, it really looks like him.
Oh, Carla, come on.
That's not Wade Boggs.
Wade Boggs is a big, strapping lad like myself.
Uh, Mr.
, uh, Wade Boggs, what, uh what are we batting these days? Something like .
360, huh? .
361.
NORM: Oh.
Well, welcome to Cheers, Mr.
-- ( gruff voice ): Wade Boggs.
I thought you folks were, uh, Red Sox fans.
Oh, yeah, we're, we're Red Sox fans.
( chuckling ): Sure, Mr.
Wade Boggs.
As a matter of fact, uh, we'd, uh, like to give you a nice welcome that we give all great sports stars that happen by to Cheers here.
( Cliff laughs ) Maybe I ought to get out of here.
Hurry, guys! Let's get him! ( all shouting ) ( shouting ) ( Carla laughing ) Whoo-hoo! Man, that guy was a lot quicker than he looked.
Yeah.
Let's, uh, check out this guy's wallet.
Find out who this joker really was.
Yeah, this, uh, this guy's name was Wade Boggs.
Wait.
Wow, what a coincidence.
Well, I guess Gary went to a lot of trouble to make up fake I.
D.
's for this guy and credit cards and photo of him with Jim Rice and Dwight Evans.
( groans ) Oh, I'm sorry I'm late, guys.
I had a rough night.
I was out showing Gary's steady chick the time of her life.
( laughing ) Whoo.
Did I miss anything? No, no, just an average day.
We refilled the pretzel bowls, played a little darts, pantsed Wade Boggs, watched a little TV.
Wait, you did what? Oh, man, we thought it was another one of Gary's tricks.
So that's who was running out there in his underwear in traffic.
You know, you see Gary has pulled off the greatest, most ingenious trick of them all.
He's gotten us to get ourselves.
CLIFF: Frasier's right.
We can't top this.
Gary's beaten us.
You know, it's really rather Machiavellian.
Hey.
Come on, guys.
So we've been humiliated in every sport.
We've still got something that Gary can't take away.
Our pride? Hell, no.
We never had that.
We have got the great Wade Boggs' pants! Well, it's either this or nothing.
We're number one! ALL: We're number one! We're number one! We're number one! We're number one! Hey! We're number one! Pretty weenie.