Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - The Big Kiss-Off

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
( low, indistinct chatter ) ( sighs ) Oh, Fras.
You make it home okay last night, buddy? Yeah, thanks for putting me in that cab.
I figured you had a little too much when you started making fun of that longshoreman's mother.
Oh, Lord, I don't remember a thing.
What-what did I say? Something like, uh, "Unions are for mommy's boys who can't get their own jobs," I think.
Oh, why didn't he kill me? Well, you-you said you wanted to wait and take him on when there were more people here.
So, uh, you said you'd meet the guy back here today, about, uh, right about now, actually.
No, wait.
Whoa, whoa.
The guy couldn't make it! Whoop, there he is.
Oh, oh! No, no, no, no, no.
That's just a car.
Okay, why are you taunting me like some sort of play thing? It's just my little hangover cure.
( sighs ): Didn't help me a bit.
No, but mine's gone completely.
( piano plays ) Making your way in the world today Takes everything you've got Taking a break from all your worries Sure would help a lot Wouldn't you like to get away? Sometimes you want to go Where everybody knows your name And they're always glad you came You want to be where you can see Our troubles are all the same You want to be where everybody knows your name You want to go where people know People are all the same You want to go where everybody knows your name.
How you doing, Woody? Fine.
Is that a new shirt? You mean the one I'm wearing? Yes.
You look very nice today.
Very cute.
Really? You You mean it? Me? I mean, me-- you think me look cute? Well, I did.
Hey, fella.
( laughs ) You a little sweet on Rebecca there, huh? Nah, get out.
No, come on.
You've got that kind of dopey look.
Hey, get over here.
You can tell us, come on.
Well okay.
Uh, last couple of months, I have kind of noticed her.
( laughs ) In fact, if it weren't for Mr.
Drake, I really might go after her.
( laughter ) Come on, Woody.
CLIFF: Hey, hey, that's good, Woody, good.
What's so funny? No disrespect, Rhinestone Cowpie.
But I really don't think her idea of a hot date is a butter-churning contest in Tobacci-flats.
Hey, you're forgetting something.
Miss Howe said I was cute.
Yeah, but, Woody, I think she thinks you're cute, kind of like she thinks a puppy dog is cute.
Yeah, I know.
Hey, is that a cut? ( patrons barking ) Oh, so you guys really don't think she'd go for me, huh? I may just have to show you.
You couldn't get to first base.
First base, nothing.
I can hit a home run with her.
( all voicing dissent ) Oh, come on.
Aah! You can't hit a home run.
WOODY: Can so.
In fact, by midnight tonight, I can get a kiss.
A kiss, huh? That-that what you meant by home run? Yeah, sure.
What else could it be? I thought you meant go all the way.
You mean marry her? Sam, where is your mind? NORM: All right.
Wait a minute now.
I got ten bucks says Woody can get that kiss.
CLIFF: Come on.
Will you stop it, Norm? I mean, Woody's got about as much chance of getting a kiss out of Rebecca as Sammy here.
Hey, whoa, wait, listen, sure, Woody can't do it, but you think I can't come through? You know, rumor has it, Sam, that, uh, the woman finds you utterly repulsive.
Rumor? Heck, it's in the newsletter.
Hey, would you guys give me a break? You're talking to Sammy here.
I am the king.
Well, when was the last time that Rebecca said you were cute? Yeah.
NORM: Yeah, yeah, Sam.
Might be time to hang up those lips, buddy.
Hey, no, no, no.
Hey, listen, I still got it.
And if you need proof, then fine.
I will get that kiss from her, and before Woody, too.
MAN: Oh! Oh, yeah? Yeah.
Well, there's an expression we used to have back in Indiana.
Yeah? Same to you.
MAN: All right, all right.
I got ten bucks on Woody, huh? ( indistinct excited chatter ) Me, too.
I'll put, uh, 20 bucks down on the kid.
You're putting 20 on Woody? Uh, you're right, Sammy, make that 50.
Come on, you're putting me on here.
NORM: No, Sammy.
I mean, look at that face.
Okay? That sweet, innocent face.
The kind of face we all hate and resent, but we will cash in on it.
Okay, all right.
You know, I'm going to teach you doubters a lesson.
I'm gonna take all bets.
Okay, let's set the ground rules here.
( indistinct excited chatter ) MAN: All right, wait a second.
A kiss before midnight tonight.
It's got to be a full one on the lips, all four lips touching.
For an entire three count.
Wait, wait, wait, but, uh, there's got to be a bona fide witness.
No, I'll do it, I'll do it.
You know, I think this is gonna be better than our contest for the biggest spit bubble.
CLIFF: Hey, well, it's possible.
Explain this to me.
If, uh, the winner is gonna get a kiss from Rebecca, what does the loser get? Well, uh a kiss from Norm.
( chuckling ) Then, of course, there is no loser.
CLIFF ( laughing ): All right, Normie.
( laughter ) So, when are we gonna see some action? Oh, what are you worried about? I got all day here.
I'll see you guys.
Oh, Sammy.
Anyway, I got this sewn up.
I don't know, Sammy.
I'm on your side, but you know, a lot of women come into this bar wanting to meet the sexy bartender, and more and more of them are not talking about you.
Hey, wait, wait, wait.
Listen, you're not losing faith in me here, are you? I mean, you-you still think I-I got it, don't you? Sure I do, but you know, you can't take this thing for granted.
Get a little older, you got to work harder, or date uglier.
Well, you know, come to think of it, Woody is kind of cute, isn't he? Mm.
Oh, this is not good.
( clears throat ): This is not good for my image at all.
I mean, if I let Woody win here, then every young punk with a pair of lips is gonna be challenging me.
All right, I got a way to go here.
Watch this.
Hey, hey, these go to table six.
And you owe 'em some change.
Hey, boss.
What, are you doing inventory? That's right.
Boy, you know, it is getting warmer.
Maybe we ought to be ordering some more rum and ( choking ) Sam? ( choking ) Oh, my God, are you all right? No.
Not that.
Are you sure? Mouth-to-mouth.
All right.
Oh, God, does anybody know mouth-to-mouth? I do, I do, I do.
( coughs ) It's okay, I'm all right, I'm all right.
Works every time.
Low, Sammy, real low.
Not worthy of the king.
Entering Nick Tortelli country.
Hey King Woody.
It does have a ring to it.
Yeah, I'll be right Yeah, say it Sam, see what you think.
King Woody.
Your Grace.
Hey, hey.
Afternoon, Woody.
Oh, yeah, hi.
Are you okay? Oh, yeah, sure.
Oh, you wouldn't want to know anyway.
Well, of course I would.
Really? Very much.
You sure? Yes.
Honestly? When was the last time someone actually struck you? Well, see, I'm, uh, trying out for this part in a play.
It's a really important part, and it's a really well-known play.
Uh, Bus Station.
You mean Bus Stop? I'll never get it.
( snickers ) This is great.
He's gonna be so worried about his dumb play, he's probably gonna forget all about the bet.
At least his memory loss isn't from senility.
Gee, I'm so glad you're on my side, Carla.
See, the thing is, the audition's tomorrow, and I don't have a chance to work with any of the other actors to prepare my part.
Actors have to do that, you know.
Say, Miss Howe, do you think maybe you could read with me? Oh, gee, Woody, I'm sorry.
I-I'm really busy with this inventory.
Oh, yeah, sure, I understand.
I'll just lose the part.
All right, Woody.
But you have to promise to make it quick.
Thanks, Miss Howe.
Hey, I hope you don't mind, it's a love scene.
Did you hear that? Love scene.
( laughing ) ( clink ) Ow! Love scene! Sometimes the little hamster falls asleep in the wheel.
Okay, if you could just sit here.
All right, Woody, but I'm expecting a beer distributor in five minutes.
No problem.
Sell it, make me believe it.
Carla? Well, it really helps when you have an audience.
Is there gonna be any nudity? Not unless you're planning something repugnant.
All right, so what are we doing here? Okay.
The scene is between a wayward, young, rodeo buff, Bo-- that'd be me-- and, uh, the sexy showgirl, Cherie.
That's you, I guess.
Okay, uh So where do we start? Uh, right here before it says, "They kiss.
" Oh, oh, golly.
When you kiss someone for serious, it's kind of scary, ain't it? Yeah, it is.
Now I'm supposed to kiss you.
Sorry, I, uh, hope I'm not interrupting anything here.
What is it, Sam? Uh we're out of vermouth.
So order more.
Uh, is that okay? Yes, if we're out of it.
We are.
Then order more.
Vermouth? Yeah! Sam, would you excuse us, please? ( crowd chatter ) Okay, where were we? Uh Wait.
( clears throat ) Oh, oh, golly.
When you kiss someone for serious, it's kind of scary, ain't it? Yeah, it is.
( door opening ) Sorry, I, uh I wouldn't interrupt like this except it's important.
What is it, Sam? I ordered the vermouth.
WOODY: Sam, would you get out of here? We're right in the middle of a scene.
Oh, a play! Oh, I love good dramatic stuff.
What is this, uh, Tennessee Ernie Ford? Sam, get out.
Come on.
All right, all right, all right.
Play fair.
All right, all right.
Play fair? That's my opinion of the play so far, but with enough rehearsal, it might play great.
Okay, let's pick it up.
All right.
( clears throat ) Oh.
Oh, golly.
When you kiss someone for serious, it's kind of scary, ain't it? Yeah, it is.
Wait a minute.
I just ordered two cases of vermouth yesterday! Sam's crazy.
( crickets chirping ) Better make that move, Sammy.
Time's getting short.
No, this is how I like it.
Late innings, game on the line.
The cool character steps to center stage.
Well, I don't know, Sammy.
You seem to be sweating a little bit up there.
No, I'm not.
Yeah, that's okay.
Nothing wrong with sweating.
I, myself, have perspired once or twice.
We could grow rice.
Oh, watch this.
Say, Rebecca.
Oh, excuse me for a minute.
Caroline, are you all right? You look kind of depressed.
( sighs ): Oh, Sam, it's the same old thing.
What? I'm so in love with my boss, and I just can't get him to notice me.
Well, have you tried kissing him like this? Oh, my God.
That was That was Oh, thank heaven you showed it to me.
There's no way anyone could possibly describe it.
If I kiss him like that, he's bound to fall in love with me.
Bye, Sam.
You two have a great honeymoon.
Thank you so much.
Anything to get my disc player back.
Hey, hey, hey By the way, Rebecca, how are things between you and your boss? Anything, uh, I can do? These lips remind you of anything? Yeah, I think the liver in my freezer's gone bad.
What happened? She couldn't possibly have seen through your little morality play.
Huh! Oh hey! What's going on here? Whatever do you mean? Sam and Woody are trying desperately to kiss me.
Boy, someone's a little full of herself, isn't she? Come on, Carla.
What's the story here? One woman to another.
Why would I tell you something about my two closest best friends in the whole world? I'll give you a paid day off.
They got a bet.
They want to see who could kiss you by the end of the shift tonight.
Why would they do such an asinine, juvenile, thing? Look at the contestants.
Actually, Woody's doing it 'cause they were razzing him.
Sam's trying to prove he still got it.
Other than that, just cheap thrills.
Don't tell them I know.
Wait a minute.
You're not cooking up something that's going to humiliate my friends and make them look stupid, are you? Well, yeah.
How can I help? Oh, Miss Howe? Can I ask you a question? Sure, Woody.
What do you want to know? Um which key unlocks the storage room? I don't know.
Hold it still.
Look carefully, very carefully.
You're getting sleepy.
Very sleepy.
Woody? Very, very, sleepy.
You'll do whatever I say.
Woody, go to sleep.
( snaps fingers ) Oh, no.
I made her disappear.
To recap, sitting in the bar today, we have, among others, a man who was actually simple enough to hypnotize himself.
I'd like to offer the suggestion that we've seen it all.
Ten hut! Happily, I stand corrected.
Well, it's time for me to be all that I can be.
You enlisted in the Army, you idiot? Hey, we do more by 9:00 a.
than most people do all day.
And that's a selling point to you? Yeah, and I've had a bellyful of that Ayatolah guy.
Quite frankly I don't like what's been happening in the Persian Gulf.
So, I'm off to, uh I'm off to Persia.
I just wanted to shake a few hands, say good-bye.
Kiss a few girls for the last time.
Well, baby this is good-bye.
Yep, this may be the last time you ever see this dogface.
You can always take a gander at this one.
Sam, I had no idea you were this dedicated.
This is a wonderful thing you're doing for our country.
Well, thank you.
Kiss me, Sam, kiss me.
No, I can't kiss another soldier.
Not after Kevin.
Kevin? Who-who's Kevin? Kevin was my boyfriend in high school, and we really loved each other, and then he enlisted in the Army, and I never wrote, and I never saw him again.
Well, he sounds like a creep.
Kiss me and make him jealous.
No, Sam, I'm sorry.
Come home safely, doughboy.
Damn! I mean, what does it take?! Well, maybe you're being too subtle.
One hour.
I don't think either of you heartthrobs got the lips to win.
Serves you right if you lose, Sam, doing all that weird stuff.
Me? What about you? You-you and that acting routine.
You know something, Woody, I'm getting a little sick and tired of you.
You and your wholesome farm boy bit.
You're not so dumb.
I resent that.
You're just upset because you're not king of the hill.
Well, that's too bad.
And I'll tell you another thing.
I'm thinking about not writing you when you're overseas.
Oh, break my heart.
Sam? Can I speak with you a moment? You sure can.
( chuckling ) GUYS: Over there Over there Send the word, send the word Over there Yeah? Sam, I know what you and Woody are up to.
I-I don't know what you're talking about.
I want you to win.
What? I want you to win.
All right! ( laughing ) And they said that I was losing it.
Okay, so, uh, let's get on with the dirty deed here.
No, no, no, we have to make this look really natural.
Otherwise they'll think the kiss is a setup.
Kiss, oh, sweetheart, no, no.
Someone mislead you there.
Uh, we're supposed to sleep together.
You're trying my patience.
All right, all right; a kiss, a kiss, okay.
Uh so, uh, how do you want to do this? All right, here's the plan.
You go home and change.
and I'll tell the others I'm really beat and I have to go in and take a nap in my office.
And you come back and wake me, and I'll act like I'm having this really erotic dream, and give you this long, passionate kiss.
Oh, God, I love this.
I love this.
Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute.
Uh Carla's supposed to witness this.
Okay, bring her along.
Oh, and then I'll spit and rinse my mouth out to make it look really legit.
Nice touch, nice touch.
Yeah, so long there.
Oh, wait a minute.
What do you got on your lips there? Oh, no one.
( laughing ) Can I talk to you a minute? Listen, I know what you and Sam are up to, and I want you to win.
Hey, Cliffie.
Hi, Sam.
Where is everybody? Oh, most have gone home.
Carla's in the back.
Rebecca's asleep in her office.
Rebecca's asleep? Yeah.
She said she was up late last night doing the books, or something.
Oh, yeah, she said she wanted me to wake her up right about now.
Better go do that.
Oh, no, no, that's, that's uh, my job.
Want to help me here, Carla? ( chuckling ) ( clothes rustling ) ( kissing noises ) SAM: Mmm.
"Mmm"? "Mmm? SAM: Mmm?! WOODY: Oh! ( laughter ) Sammy and Woody sittin' in a tree K-I-S-S-I-N-G ( laughter continues ) You were supposed to be Miss Howe.
That's a rotten thing you did.
Don't talk to me about rotten.
What about all this kissing nonsense? Yeah, that's different.
There's money involved.
Well, I am going to say this once and once only.
I am a person who cannot be used.
Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to drive Mr.
Drake's valet to the airport.
( laughing and clamoring ) Call me a romantic, but I always knew you two would end up together.
( laughing ) I can't believe I kissed you.
Yeah, well, you're lucky I didn't punch your lights out, man.
Yeah? You and what army? Hey, hey, hey, guys.
Come on, now.
Geez, you guys, you were tricked.
It's no big deal.
I mean, you're such good friends.
You mean a lot to each other.
I mean, don't walk away mad.
Go on, kiss and make up.
Remember, you both owe me a big wet one.
Ah Ah, I couldn't stay mad at you, Sam.
You're just like a brother to me.
Yeah, and if anyone ever does knock off the king around here, I guess I hope it's you, man.
No hard feelings? No hard feelings.
Listen, Sam, now that everything's okay, can I ask you something, guy to guy? Yeah, sure.
How was I? Don't-don't do that.
No, I mean it's a question you can't ask a girl.
I mean, is there anything I need to work on? No, see, I-I don't want to talk about this, Woody.
I was nervous, so I might have been a little dry.
Oh, for God's! Yech! No, I'm serious, Sam.
Hey, do you want to know how you were?