Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - How to Recede in Business

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Hi, everybody.
ALL: Hey.
Hey, Sam.
Where is Rebecca? In her office.
Why? Ah, today's the day a certain chestnut brown-haired beauty is gonna succumb to the charms of Sammy.
( laughing ) Laugh if you will, but according to my calculations, the timing is perfect.
I waited long enough for her to get over Evan Drake, but not long enough for her to build up her resistance again.
The way I see it, I got about a half-hour window of opportunity opening up here.
I'm telling you, boys, Rebecca Howe is mine.
( men encouraging ) Sammy! Sammy! Sammy! ( mimicking trumpet ) Yes? Ooh, he's got her saying, "yes," already, ooh! Not a devout nun's prayer.
No, sir.
( piano plays ) Making your way in the world today Takes everything you've got Taking a break from all your worries Sure would help a lot Wouldn't you like to get away? Sometimes you want to go Where everybody knows your name And they're always glad you came You want to be where you can see Our troubles are all the same You want to be where everybody knows your name You want to go where people know People are all the same You want to go where everybody knows your name.
So what you got there? A Mercedes catalog.
Oh.
I'm thinking of getting one.
Yeah, I hear good things about those Cadillacs.
What, you got a raise or something? No.
I can only afford the cheapest model, and I have to give up lunches until I Well, I have to give up lunches.
But it will still be a Mercedes.
Speaking of Mercedes.
I'm kind of known as the Mercedes of guys.
Really? I always thought you were more of a cheap pickup with a headlight missing.
Did you want something, Sam? Rebecca how long have we known each other? No, I will not go out with you.
Hey, what what makes you think that I was gonna ask you for a date? You must really think you look hot tonight.
Then why did you come in here? Well, I was, uh gonna compliment you on your blouse.
That's a very pretty blouse.
Well, we haven't seen each other today until now.
How did you know I'd be wearing this one? I was hoping you were gonna wear it.
It's always been my favorite blouse.
It's brand-new; it's the first time I've worn it.
I'm working part-time in department store security.
I was in the store when you bought it.
I bought it mail order.
I drove the truck that delivered it to your house.
One date-- come on, please? What, is this gonna kill you? Men.
You're all alike.
Nothing but users, and takers, and big, stupid jerks, who don't even know you exist and then go running off to Japan with someone else.
That is such a cliché.
Come on, please.
Forget it.
I'm concentrating on my career.
I happen to think I have a real future with this company.
No offense, but why? Because I think it's my time.
You know, Evan took a lot of key people with him to Japan.
And the way I figure it, everyone who knows I'm a washout is gone.
Ooh.
Talk about sitting pretty.
You bet.
You know, the new executive vice president, Mr.
Stone has been doing a little housecleaning at the corporate level.
From where I am, it could be just a short climb to the top.
Yeah, speaking of climbing to the top, the way I see it, you haven't had a date with a guy for about two and half years.
Now, I think this date of ours could be good for me, but, sweetheart, I got to say, it's looking real necessary for you.
Sam, no.
We're starting to become good friends.
Now, why wreck that? Why not Friends tell friends who they think they ought to go out with, and as a friend, I'm telling you, you ought to give this Malone guy a chance.
( choking back words ) ( sighing ) All right.
What? I'll go out with you.
That is great.
That's great, all right.
Um, I'll pick you up But just, uh, for future reference here, uh, what did I do right this time? It's just that since Evan went away, my expectations are low.
And with my stove on the blink and nothing on the tube tonight, I figured why not? Thanks.
Yeah, I'll have to remember that.
Okay.
Oh, a-and let's just keep this between us.
I don't want those bozos out there turning this into a circus.
No, no.
I couldn't agree with you more.
( people yelling ) Lucky guess.
CARLA: Whoa, yo-ho, check it out.
( patrons whooping ) Sammy, you might as well make that entry in your diary right now because no mortal woman can resist this package.
No, no, we're just having dinner.
Uh-ho! NORM: Oh, right, yeah.
Columbus was just going on a little boat ride, huh? Oh, it turns out that's true, Norm.
He told the missus he was just stepping out for lunch, and, uh, took a left instead of a right at the Isle of, uh, Langerhans, and before you know it, uh, he's trading trinkets for Miami Beach.
Cliff, you should write a book.
( laughing ): Why, thank you, Carla.
No, I mean right now.
( laughs ) I mean it.
Look, here's a pencil and some paper.
Go on in the back room, and don't come out until you have 60,000 words.
Go on.
REBECCA: I'll be right there.
Ah, look at that.
That really takes me back, you know? I remember my first date with Vera-- the flowers, the candy, the wine.
Sounds pretty romantic, Norm.
Yeah, it was.
You know, in retrospect, I suppose I should have gotten her something, but, uh I guess you can't turn back that clock, can you? ( door opens ) Ah.
There you go.
I just, uh, brought these in so they could see what a real long-stem beauty looks like.
( chuckles ): Thank you, Sam.
Ah.
Shall we go? It's just dinner.
Yeah, dinner, right, absolutely.
Uh, good night, fellas.
Uh, don't wait up for us.
( men whooping ) ( gasps ) My God, it's him.
SAM: Who's him? It's him, Greg Stone, the new exec VP.
I saw his picture in the company newsletter.
Mr.
Stone! Welcome, welcome.
It's such an honor to have you here.
Mr.
Stone, I'd like you to meet Sam Malone.
Yeah, hi.
Pleased to meet you, Sam.
Yeah.
Who are you? Rebecca Howe.
I'm the manager.
Ah, of course.
I'd like to use your phone if I may.
You can do anything you want with my phone.
Thank you For the moment, I thought I'd just speak into it.
Good choice.
Okay, come on.
Let's go.
Sweetheart, we're gonna be late.
Let's He could very well be the most handsome man I have ever seen.
( patrons groaning ) And did you see the way he looked in my eyes when he said, "Who are you?" I think he really likes me.
We all do, honey.
Now, let's go.
No, Sam, you don't understand.
He's the man I've been giving my accounts to the last couple weeks.
I think he could be my ticket to corporate.
( door opens ) Miss Howe, I'd like to see you in my office tomorrow morning at 9:00.
Mm-hmm.
What'd I tell you? What did I tell you? Yeah, that's great.
Now, let's go celebrate, all right? Oh, excuse me, excuse me, sir! Listen, as long as you were gonna tell me anyway, why don't you just go ahead and tell me now? This is not the time or the place.
Oh, please tell me.
You've been going over my files? Yes, I have.
And we're doing better? Yes, we're doing better.
Well, then what's the problem? Just go ahead and tell me.
I really think we should discuss this privately.
Pal, just between us guys here, do me a favor and tell her.
It'd kind of help grease the old skids.
I really don't think.
Sir, excuse me, please? Please? Very well, Ms.
Howe, if you insist.
This, uh, quarter has shown a slight improvement.
Did you hear that, everybody? "A slight improvement.
" STONE: But the records show, unequivocally, that the bar did better under Sam's direction than yours.
In view of this, I'm hereby appointing Sam the new manager.
And I regret to say I'm forced to give you notice.
I'm sorry.
Okay, boys, dessert.
Well, what do you say we go strap on the ol' feedbag, huh? You coming? Uh you guys want to help me get her into the car? I'll get the door.
This is gonna be a lot easier than I thought.
Two Amstel Lights.
I don't know, Carla.
Either managing a bar is getting a lot more complicated, or I'm getting a lot dumber.
You couldn't be getting any dumber, Sam.
Well, it must be that other thing.
You know, having you back in charge really reminds me of old times, you know? I mean, real old times.
Even before the evil days, when darkness fell over the earth.
She means when Diane was still here.
I know precisely what she means.
( phone rings ) Cheers.
Sam, it's Mr.
Stone for you.
Uh, put him on hold there, Woody.
Damn, I'll bet he wants those figures.
Hello, Woody.
Miss Howe? Woody, where's Sam? In his off Oh, I mean, in your In your I-I haven't seen him.
Hello.
Love your hairdo.
( knocking ) It's open.
( sobbing ) ( sobbing ) Sweetheart, what happened? I just had to knock on my own office door.
Honey, I-I'm so sorry.
I swear to God I didn't want this to happen.
I know.
It's not your fault.
I know why it happened.
Because I'm a loser.
I always have been, and I always will be a big old, fat, old, stupid loser.
No, you're not a loser.
Don't say that, you hear me? You are not a loser.
Okay.
You have a barrette for this, or something? I lost it.
Sweetheart, don't worry about don't worry about that.
It'll be all right.
Hey, you know what might make you feel better? We never had that date, you know? Oh, God! You just go back over there and do whatever it was you were doing, and I will get out of your life forever.
Rebecca, I Sam, please.
It'll make it a lot easier.
You know, I might just become a bag lady.
They're not all old, you know.
It could happen.
It really could.
I'll just send for the rest of my things.
No, Rebecca, wait a sec.
Honey, listen.
Sam, Stone is still on hold.
He needs those figures on the double.
( groaning ) ( computer beeps ) Well, what the hell is that? I'm no computer expert, but it looks like Donkey Kong.
Oh, man, that, that stinks.
You know, I, I It's not like it used to be around here, Carla.
I mean corporations, computers, reports.
I mean, I used to keep track of inventory in a spiral notebook, for God's sake.
No, you didn't.
Well, I always meant to.
You know, I-I just hate being in charge.
I'm not good at it.
Rebecca wasn't good at it either, but at least she enjoyed it.
You know, I'm going to go back to Stone, and I'm going to beg him to give her this job back.
No, wait a minute.
You're quitting because of this machine? Carla, I hate that machine.
John Henry hated a machine, too.
Do you know the story of John Henry, Sam? He went toe to toe with a steel-driving machine, and he refused to admit that that machine was better than him.
And do you know what happened? Yeah, the machine beat him.
His heart exploded; he died.
He did? Yes.
Well, go get her job back before you lose your ticker.
Go on.
Whoa, how'd it go? Oh, Woody, Woody, give me a seltzer there, will you? Mr.
Stone is dead set against rehiring her, and I hate to beg when sex isn't involved.
So, what happened? Well, I had to promise that she'd agree to a whole list of conditions, but he finally said yes.
I left a message on her answering machine that I wanted to talk to her.
What are you going to tell her? I'm going to tell her to take her stupid job back.
I don't want it anymore.
Wait a minute, Sam.
Aren't you missing something here? What? You desperately want to jump this woman's bones, right? Sure.
And you've just arranged something for her that she wants more than anything else in the world.
So? Don't you see a connection between those two things? Breaks your heart, doesn't it? You tell Rebecca that you loved being the manager, but you couldn't stand to see her being so miserable, so you got her her job back.
Next thing you know, she'll be doing the backstroke on your water bed.
Carla, I'm shocked.
Why, 'cause you didn't think of it first? Yeah.
I mean, I must be losing it.
Woody, uh, call Melville's.
Tell them I want an 8:00 reservation for two.
Oh, and tell them that I want booth number five, chill their best champagne, yeah, and order a chocolate soufflé for dessert.
Aw, gee, Sam, that sounds good, but actually, I brought my dinner.
Woody make the reservation.
All right, but this is a waste of a perfectly good meatball sandwich.
Thank you.
Sam, I can't thank you enough for getting my job back.
I finally feel good about myself again.
You know, the first thing I did when I got home was I-I put in an order for that Mercedes.
Ah, well, I think you'll look great wearing one of those.
So you having a good time? Yeah, I actually am.
Well, you don't have to sound so surprised.
Oh, I'm sorry; I didn't mean it like that.
( sighing ): It's just that with all your obnoxious come-ons, and everything, I never expected you to be as as charming as you've been tonight.
No kidding.
So, what do you find charming about me? Well, for one thing, I find it charming that you would try to impress me by ordering an elegant soufflé, when I know perfectly well that your favorite dessert is frozen Snicker bars.
Actually, they're in the bottom of your champagne bucket there.
( chuckling ) Oh, I think I was just charming again there, wasn't I? I don't get it.
Just when I thought I had you pegged, you go out and do something like you did today.
Sam, that really was the nicest thing that anyone has ever done for me.
Well, you deserve to have nice things done for you.
You're a very nice person.
So are you.
Sam? Yeah? Is that your hand on my leg? Oh, I'll be darned.
My left hand does seem to be missing, doesn't it? Do you want me to move it? Yes.
That's not what I meant.
Oh, thank you, God.
Ah! Mr.
Stone! Hi! What a surprise! Oh, good evening.
I wonder if we could have the table over there? Mr.
Stone, I'm not the hostess.
I'm Rebecca Howe, from downstairs.
Ah, yeah, of course you are.
Miss Howe.
I guess I ought to say welcome back.
I was a little surprised you agreed to the conditions, but if you can live with them, so can we.
Ah, here's the maitre d'.
I wonder if I could have that table in the other room? Nice to see you again.
What was he talking about? What conditions? You want some more champagne? Sam, what conditions? Well, they were so insignificant, they really slipped my mind.
Uh, all right, uh.
Well, uh You have to take a slight pay cut and go back to school for your MBA and share the office with me, consult with me on all major decisions, and since you lack any practical experience, you'll have to wait tables when the bar is busy, which will put you under the immediate supervision of Carla.
Any wonder it slipped my mind? Sam, uh, when were you planning on telling me this? After.
After what? Afterwards.
All right, um.
I'm sorry, I should have told you, but I just thought that you'd been going through such a tough time that you deserved at least one night of feeling good about yourself.
All right, I'll call you a cab.
No, no, no.
It's okay.
The important thing is that I have my job back.
You're not upset about this? No, how can I be upset when I have so much to be thankful for? Now where were we? Does this look familiar? Sam? Yeah? I want tonight to be very special.
Mmm.
And I think I can figure a way out for us to do that.
You see, I have this fantasy and it's something that I've always wanted to try, but I didn't ever think that I'd get to do it until tonight.
Would you like to know what it is? Yes, please.
Okay.
Well, you see, I have this hot tub at home.
I love the way this begins.
And what we do when we get there First? Uh-huh.
And then Oh, God.
Oh, please.
A-a-a-and this is the part that's just a little tiny bit illegal.
No, no, no, no, no.
Oh, I don't think that I should tell you.
I really think it would be better if I showed you.
Come with me now, so we don't spoil the mood.
Could you just give me a minute? No.
Bye-bye, Sam.
Can I get you anything else, Mr.
Malone? No, thank you, Paul.
Actually, Paul, could I have another one of your chocolate soufflés? Are you aware that will take 45 minutes? Yes, Paul, I am.
Woody, Sam's going to be upstairs for a while.
When he comes down, give him this message.
You tell him that it will be a cold day in hell before I ever share an office with him, or schlep drinks in a two-bit saloon.
Oh, Miss Howe? By the way, Midtown Mercedes called, and they said you can pick up your car anytime.
Oh, and they got the one you wanted-- the red one.
The red one? Hi, there.
My name's Rebecca ( voice breaking ): and it will be my pleasure to serve you.