Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - One Happy Chappy in a Sappy Serape (2)

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
MAN ( on radio ): And we're on the help line with Oh, me.
Me, hi.
Uh, hello? My name is Reb punzel.
And uh, I'm sorry if I sound a little bit nervous, but this is the first time I've ever called a radio show for help.
But I have this problem, and it's so horrendous that I didn't have anyplace else to turn.
Now, I have this new boss at work, and he's incredibly rich and he's incredibly powerful, but he is also sort of a, um Oh, God, how could I put this without sounding mean? Um a weasely little twerp.
Anyway, this guy asked me out, and to get out of going out with him, I told him that I was going with this guy named Sam son.
So, Samson, who can be an incredible jerk sometimes, told my boss, the twerp, that we broke up.
All right, so my boss The twerp.
Right.
My boss asked me out, and you're not going to believe this.
He proposed to me.
I mean, the only thing I could think of to do, without jeopardizing my career, was to tell my boss that I was still in love with Samson.
But I cannot keep avoiding the guy.
As an example, he is upstairs right now having lunch at Mel Monico's.
Melmonico's.
The thing is, that now I'm worried.
Do you think I did the right thing? I think so.
Now, did you have a gardening question? You called the Dr.
Green Thumb Show.
Uh, just a reminder, Rapunzel.
Plant your bulbs early.
( laughing ) ( piano plays ) Sometimes you want to go Where everybody knows your name And they're always glad you came You want to be where you can see Our troubles are all the same You want to go where everybody knows your name.
Oh, yeah, I know, Norm, that's a that's a beautiful birdie you got there on the ninth.
Thank you.
Oh, so you guys were playing golf today, huh? Yeah, nothing like bashing the old pill around, huh? Young Woody Nicklaus here broke 80.
All right; good man.
Hey, really? You shot under 80 for 18 holes? Well, no actually, it was 17.
Yeah, the 18th hole is the windmill.
If you're stupid enough to play that one, it's going to eat your little colored ball.
You were playing miniature golf.
Oh, yeah.
Do you have any idea how long those real golf courses are? TEAL: Gentlemen, that was a pretty poor showing for a power lunch.
Ralph, you're going to have to start doing something more than just taking up space at these meetings.
How does a guy so young get to be so incredibly powerful? I just try to maintain a cheerful attitude and not abuse my position.
I recently read a Forbes profile on our young Mr.
Teal.
CLIFF: Oh, yeah? Apparently, he started with his father's firm, kicked the old guy out when he was 17, hasn't looked back since.
Big deal.
Did he ever win a purple ribbon in the Jefferson County Spelldown? Anathema.
A-N-A-T-H-E-M-A.
Anathema.
Touché, Woody.
Touché.
T-O-U-C-H-E, and a little slanty line-- touché.
Excuse me.
Is Miss Howe in? She's in her office; do you want me to go get her? No, don't bother.
Dennis? Miss Howe? Oh, no.
Oh, yes.
The master of the universe awaits your presence.
Dennis, I-I sense bitterness.
I've never heard you talk like this before.
Oh, I could tell you stories, honey.
Here she is, sir, per your request.
So, how's the greatest love story ever told working out? Sam and I are just as steady as ever.
As steady as yesterday when you broke up twice? Things are different.
Uh It's it's more serious.
I won't consider it really serious until I see a ring on your finger.
Well, what I meant by serious is, um is that Sam and I are engaged.
Hey, everybody.
Congratulations, Sammy.
Oh? What for? She was just a stewardess.
Stop joking, you big lug, and come here.
Can you excuse us just a second, Martin? We have to discuss our silver pattern.
Dennis, get me the papers on the Trackwell merger.
Just keep your stupid mouth shut and smile.
We're engaged.
Oh.
Great.
Well, let's begin the honeymoon.
Sam, we're not actually getting married.
Well, that's even better.
I can enjoy the honeymoon.
Come on, Sam.
It's just a way to get Martin off my back.
Oh, dear you mean the problem-free relationship suddenly developed a glitch? I can't very well tell the future president of the corporation no.
I'd never work again.
Please, Sam, just help me out here just until Martin gets over me.
Come on.
Oh, I don't know.
You know, if I go along with this, will you go to bed with me? Let's put it this way.
If you don't go along with this, I will never go to bed with you.
Wait.
All right.
So, in other words, if I don't No.
Wait, wait.
That means if you All right, this is me, this is you, this is the bed.
Sam, just do it.
No, I don't Yeah, I don't personally think we need the salad forks, honey, but you're the entertainer in the family.
Well, I suppose congratulations are in order.
Oh, well, thank you, sir.
Yeah, I never thought I'd get her, but it looks like Becky here is going to be my ever-loving, everlasting little bundle of kisses.
Little bundle of open-mouthed kisses.
Isn't he sweet? I'd like to propose a toast to the happy couple, and especially to Rebecca Howe-- the only thing I ever wanted and haven't gotten.
Yeah.
Same here.
Um would you excuse me just for a minute, please? Hey, Sammy, quite a squeeze-a-rooni you got there, huh? I had no idea.
Oh, Sammy, tell me it isn't true.
Carla, come on.
It's not true.
I knew that.
You're a lousy actor.
I'm pretty good though, huh? Well, actually, Carla, as a student of the theater, I have to correct you.
What you were doing there is not called acting.
It's called improvising.
Shut up, Woody.
Now, that would be directing.
So when's the big event? Well, I was kind of planning on tonight.
You're getting married tonight? Married? Oh, no.
I'm sorry.
I thought you were talking about something else.
It is definitely not going to be tonight.
Look, the important thing is that we are as one forevermore.
Honeys till the end of time.
Well, Sam, I guess you wouldn't be interested in spending the next month tending bar at a seaside resort we reopened in Cancun? I'm there.
Whoa, hey.
Sam! Oh, right.
Yeah.
Um, that wouldn't be fair to Rebecca here.
Who could we get to replace me? Oh, no problem.
I'll make an exchange with the bartender down there.
Well, then, I'm out of here.
Hey, I'll see you in a month.
Adios, amigos! REBECCA: Sam? Sam! Sam! Martin, is this your little way of breaking Sam and me up? It's a bona fide offer.
I need an experienced man down there.
I know what you're thinking.
You're thinking that, when Sam gets down there, and he's all alone, he's going to start roving.
Well, I can tell you this.
You can send Sam away for a month or a year, and he will only think of me.
Excuse me.
Do they have drug stores down there, or should I pack an extra bag? Ramon, Ramon, Ramon, you have been a terrific replacement for Sammy.
I'm really going to be sorry to see you go.
Although I will enjoy watching you walk up the stairs.
( speaking Spanish ) ( speaking Spanish ) Mi Carlita ( speaking Spanish ) Adios, amigos.
Bye-bye.
CLIFF: Take care of yourself, Ramon.
I don't know what that Latin lover said, but I sure dig the way he said it.
Well, if you ask me, Ramon's a lot more Latin than lover.
Yeah, you know, study after study show that the old sons of Spain just don't have our sexual prowess.
Cliffie, nobody has your sexual prowess.
Thanks, Norm.
You know, it seems that the tropical sun dries out a man's vital juices.
You ever seen a raisin? Have you ever seen a doctor? Sam was supposed to be in hours ago.
Has anybody heard from him yet? No one's heard a word from him in weeks.
Hello, Rebecca.
Heard from Sam recently? Have I? Every hour on the hour.
It's almost embarrassing.
Hmm.
Well, then what's happened seems all the more curious.
What's happened? According to our reports, Mr.
Malone missed the corporate jet home.
Uh well, I'm sure there's a simple explanation.
I'll just call Cancun this afternoon and find out what the trouble is.
We have Cancun on the line.
You are so helpful.
I am five months from retirement.
Hello.
Sam, hi.
This is Rebecca.
You must have missed your plane, you naughty boy.
So when should I pick you up at the airport, my darling? Sam? Sam? Hello? ( loud music playing ) Sam? Sam? Hello? Operator? O-operator? Yes, I was just talking to my fiancé and I was Oh, I'm sorry.
Uh, me talk-o to me boy-o amigo in Cancun, and we were cut off-o.
It's a beautiful language, isn't it? What? You no operator? You boose boy? Oh, bus boy.
Yeah, okay, adios.
No, no, adios.
Damn.
Thank you, Dennis.
Rebecca, you're not losing anything in Sam.
I hear he hasn't stopped fooling around since he got down there.
You had him watched? I didn't have to.
The man's escapades have become legendary.
The Indians in the mountains sing a folk song about him.
Rebecca, let me help you take your mind off your problems.
I'll pick you up for dinner, maybe a drink, a trip to Paris, a few laughs.
Martin, not tonight.
I-I really need time to get over this.
Well, then tomorrow night.
I won't take no for an answer.
I got him, I got him.
I caught my little Ricardo Montalban.
Just as he was getting into a cab.
Go get your little apron on, honey.
Carla, how come you called Ramon Ricardo Montalban? Because his tight little chinos are so packed with rich, Corinthian leather.
Oh, yeah, I see, now that you mention it.
NORM: All right, I hate to change the subject, but I don't know if anyone else recognizes we seem to have a little problem here.
Oh, you need another beer, Mr.
Peterson? Okay, we have two problems.
Uh, there's a distinct possibility that Sammy may never come back.
FRASIER: Frankly, I don't blame him.
Beautiful weather, miles of beaches Yeah, chicks.
FRASIER: No suits, no rules, no tight shoes to pinch your feet.
Yeah, that'd be good to get out of the city a little bit, wouldn't it? Oh, yeah.
I got five vacation days coming to me.
Oh, say, it may be a crazy idea, but why don't we go down there, too? Lay out in the sun for a while, work on that old mañana attitude? Should we do it? What do you say, guys? Ah, maybe tomorrow.
( mariachi music playing ) Excuse me, bartender, can we get a couple of pina coladas over here? Sure thing.
Let me just finish making this margarita.
So, anyway, Margarita Buenos noches, amigos.
¿Que tal, Pepe? Hola, Pepe! ¿Que tal, Pepe? Los calzones, Sammy.
Esa agua esta muy fría.
Good one, man, good one.
Let's go, Sam.
We're leaving.
I have a cab outside.
Beckita, what are you doing here? I took the liberty of stopping by your room and packing your bags.
I can't believe you didn't pack one pair of underpants.
Now come on, we're going home.
Home? Sweetheart, I'm This is home.
I love this place.
Sam, we are leaving and we are leaving now.
I am not going to get stuck with Martin.
Oh, right, right.
The little one.
Uh, sweetheart, yeah, I got to tell you, I think it's high time you told him the truth.
I can't tell him the truth.
I'll get fired.
Well, they, uh, they got plenty of good job opportunities down here.
Can you paint pictures on turtles? Sam, I am asking you, not as a woman speaking to a man, I am asking you as a friend.
Please, Sam.
When you look back at all the countless, selfish, petty, vindictive things you've done in your life, wouldn't it be wonderful if you could say for one brief moment that you did something good and fine? This shouldn't be turning me on, should it? Oh, that's it.
Cerveza, Sammy.
Be right there, Pepe.
If you won't listen to my pleas, maybe you'll listen to this.
You're coming with me, Sam.
Now let's not do anything crazy here.
I bet you wish you had those underpants now.
Listen, I'm gonna just reach out my hand here real slowly.
I want you to relax and take your finger off the trigger.
Just put the gun in my hand.
I'm sorry.
It's not loaded.
I mean, I'm sorry, period.
It's not loaded, period.
It's-it's all right, everybody.
It was just a just a joke.
( all groaning ) I'm gonna go now.
W-w-where do you think you're going? You can't just walk out of here.
You pulled a gun on me in a resort in the middle of a foreign country.
They have laws, you know? Don't they? Good-bye, Sam.
Pobrecita.
SAM: Oh, no, she's like that all the time.
I mean, this isn't even a bad day for her.
¿Son todas las babes de Boston locos como esta? No, no-- she's kind of the queen of loco.
I mean, she was nutty the first day I met her.
She's she's hyper.
You know what I mean, hyper? All she thinks about is her stupid career and she keeps blowing it.
And I can't tell you how many times I've had to pull that lady's fat out of the fire.
Get this, you know.
This is her latest escapade.
She wants me to pretend to be her fiancé, 'cause she doesn't want to marry this pint-size executive back home.
What do I get for my troubles? A gun stuck in my face.
You know what the sorriest thing is? Me.
I still like her.
Why is that, Pepe? Nice buns, Sammy? You people see things so clearly.
Hey, uh, Ramon.
Listen, we're heading over to Casa de Clavin for our weekly video film classic.
You want to take Sammy's seat? I'm busy.
Yeah, well, I've got it rented for a couple of days.
How about tomorrow night? Uh I am busy.
Yeah? Sorry.
Yeah, well, he's a nice guy, that Ramon, but he's no Sammy, is he, Norm? But then again, Cliffie he's a lot more Sammy than you and I will ever be.
Hey, boss, last of the riffraff just cleared out of here.
You want to lock up? Sure, Carla, can you show me how a key works again? Oh, brother, you been in there drinking all night? Carla, I am celebrating.
I think that I am the luckiest woman in the world.
I'm going to marry the geek tycoon.
And you know, he's going to give me money and jewels and all sorts of rich stuff.
I am going to be so rich, I can stink and no one will even tell me.
I'm sure you two will be very happy together.
I'm sure I will, too.
I'm gonna spend the rest of my life living in big, old mansions, wearing fabulous clothes and being real nasty to the help.
You feeling sorry for yourself because you have to marry a rich guy? Boo-hoo, boo-hoo.
Come on, Carla.
You wouldn't trade Eddie for him.
I'd trade Eddie for a ride in his car.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have a Spam casserole lurking in the oven.
Hey, we're the same size.
Hi, honey, you're home.
See? Aren't I gonna make you a wonderful wife? You've been drinking, haven't you? Just a sippy or two to celebrate.
Well, now that Sam's out of the picture, I assume that leaves the path clear for me.
Shall we proceed? Rebecca will you do me the honor of becoming my wife? I guess.
Outstanding.
Shall we set a date? Whenever.
I don't care.
You're about to see my impulsive side.
This is Justice of the Peace Wilson, these are four dozen long-stemmed red roses.
I'm the perspective bridegroom.
Guess what you are? Dead meat on a hook? Um Martin, you can't do this.
My parents aren't here.
Your parents aren't here.
My mother passed away, and, uh, you know my father.
Dennis? Welcome to the family.
MARTIN: Rebecca, you should know by now that I haven't gotten where I am by waiting for things to come to me.
As far as I'm concerned, this is a done deal.
So let's make it legal.
Hey, baby, I'm back! Call off the Federales.
Sam! I couldn't stay away from you for another second, my darling.
Kiss me.
Oop Hey, did I interrupt something here? No, Martin and I were just going to get married, but now that you're back Oh Martin.
I'm so sorry.
This is really tearing me apart.
But I need to follow my heart.
Well, if that's what you feel, Rebecca, you've got it.
I hope you two will be very happy together.
But remember: you blew it in a big, big way.
I hope this won't affect our business relationship.
Why should it? Gee, when I sober up, I'm probably going to worry about this.
Better not let that happen.
I don't believe this.
You came all the way back here just for me? I just feel so terrible for everything I ever said or did to you.
Well, gee, now, there must be some way you can thank me.
You're right, Sam.
I think the time has finally come.
Yeah.
You've waited long enough.
Oh Oh, no.
That's funny.
Usually they pass out afterwards.
No, no, no.
I am a gentleman.
But I may never have this chance again.
( humming ) ( laughing )