Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - Those Lips, Those Ice

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Woody, I have a lot of work to do here, so please make sure I'm not disturbed.
WOODY: Yes, ma'am.
( knocking ) Yes? Miss Howe? You want me to hold business and personal calls? Yes.
You got it.
( knocking ) Yes? Miss Howe? Uh, what if it's an emergency, or something only you can handle? Woody, I'm turning the bar over to you.
I have complete confidence.
( knocking ) Yes?! Miss Howe? I want you to know how much I appreciate your confidence in me.
I won't let you down.
( sighs ) ( knocking ) Woody, I am trying to get some work done here, and you are driving me crazy! Now, get out of here, and leave me alone! ( sobbing ): I'm sorry, Miss Howe.
Sometimes you want to go Where everybody knows your name And they're always glad you came You want to be where you can see Our troubles are all the same You want to go where everybody knows your name.
Hey, Fras, new briefcase? No.
It's my new portable cellular telephone, the answer to every busy therapist's prayers.
You see, with this, I can instantly get in touch with patients in crisis.
Who knows how many lives it may save? Looks cool, too? Doesn't it? Yeah.
( phone rings ) Oh, excuse me.
Oh, geez.
I seem to have forgotten the combination.
( phone rings ) I was certain I programmed Lilith's birthday so I'd remember it.
Oh, no? My birthday.
( ringing continues ) Frasier, that's getting a little annoying.
Yeah, yeah.
Of course.
Freud's birthday.
Hello.
Cheers.
( phone rings ) Two drafts, Sam.
Coming right up.
Shouldn't you be on your way to the airport? No.
Eddie called from Louisville.
He said the performer's plane was gonna be a little late so he'd meet me here.
Oh, you must be getting pretty excited, huh? Yeah.
I thought that ice show would never get back to Boston.
Yeah, it has been tough.
He misses me.
Yeah.
You know? Kids miss him.
Not to mention that I have moved into my sexual peak.
You've been there since you were 12.
When you find a place you like, why leave it? ( phone rings ) MAN: Answer the damn phone! Sorry, sorry.
Oh, wait.
Jung's address.
Finally.
Hello.
No, there is no Itzhak here.
Woody, here are your tickets.
Tickets? Woody gets tickets? Company season tickets.
Patriots-Dolphins tonight.
Two on the 40-yard line.
Ooh-ooh-oh-wee! Oh.
You know, thanks, Miss Howe.
You know, you are the greatest boss I ever had.
( clears throat ) I mean you're the prettiest boss I ever had.
( clears throat ) I mean, thanks.
So, uh, Woodster, what time we leaving, bud? Well, Mr.
Peterson, you'd be interested in going to something like this? Yeah.
Dit-dit-dit-dit Fair is fair.
What? Now, Woody didn't I, uh, invite you to a very special occasion just last week? That's right, Mr.
Clavin.
I sure did enjoy that garage sale.
Excuse me, but why do I seem to have been automatically excluded? You have to go home to your wife.
What about your wife? You can't be this dense with your patients.
Hey, Carla, I'm back.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey, everybody.
N-n-not-not here.
Everybody's watching.
Excuse me.
I-I'll be right back.
I just got to show Eddie something.
( clears throat ) Oh, Eddie.
( moaning ) ( door rattling ) Ah, gee, it's good to be home.
Give me a beer, Sam here.
Thanks, Sam.
Yeah.
( gasps ) A charm bracelet from Cincinnati! Yeah.
There's a little beer stein, little bowl of sauerkraut, and Pete Rose's head.
Ooh, Carla, can I borrow it? Fat chance.
This better not turn my wrist green.
No.
Hey.
Hey, buddy.
How's the show doing? Oh, terrific.
We signed a new headliner-- Franzi Schrempf.
Oh, you mean, the East German gold medalist? That's her.
She's joining the show here in Boston.
Sure would like to meet her without having to go to that stupid ice show.
Mm.
You may be in luck, Norm, because I invited her and some of the cast to drop by here later.
Oh, boy.
Hey, hey Oh, God, she is amazing.
She actually grabs the blade and touches the back of her head with it.
Can you do this? Hey, are the kids home? I haven't talked to them since I got back.
I want to give them a call.
Oh, yeah, go ahead.
All right.
Just make sure you identify yourself by name.
Just saying, "It's Dad" leaves too much room for confusion.
CLIFF: You know, Carla, according to the, uh, Weekly Gabber, this Franzi Schrempf has affairs with every man she's worked with.
I'm telling you, she's a man eater.
Look, Clavin, I'm not worried, so just shut up.
There's a lot of things wrong with Eddie, but I know I can trust him.
We've been married for over a year now, and not once in that entire time has his eye wandered.
Well, his good eye.
I'm talking completely over her head.
I mean, she must be, like, triple-jointed or something.
Hey, Eddie, Eddie, come here.
You know, I was just laughing at something stupid Cliff said.
He says that this Franzi has a thing for the men she works with.
Says she changes lovers more times than most people change socks.
I don't have anything to worry about with you in that area, do I? No, honey, not at all.
I put a fresh pair on this morning.
Hey, here she is.
Everybody I want you to meet Franzi Schrempf.
( hooting and chattering ) ( clapping ) SAM: Welcome to the bar, Franzi.
We're all, uh Well, we're big fans of yours.
Thank you.
But we were just wondering, now that you're here in Boston, um, well, what are your plans? Well, while I'm here, I would like to wear blue jeans, see a Tom Cruise movie, and eat a Big Mac.
Whoa.
Sexy, dumb, and a cheap date.
( laughing ) Well, uh, in the spirit of detente, I wouldn't mind having some arms talks with Franzi.
( laughing ) I'd like to see her try to control my arms.
( laughing ) I wouldn't object to a little mutual on-site inspection.
See what kind of payload she can deliver.
( laughing ) Reduce missiles in Western Europe.
( Woody laughs ) EDDIE: Hey, Sam, she is something, eh? SAM: Yeah.
You know, if I was younger, taller, handsomer, and had a brain in my head, I never would have started this sentence.
You think she's pretty, don't you? Well, yeah, if you're into looks, which I'm not.
Just don't get any ideas.
Ideas? Franzi doesn't even know I exist.
Eddie, do you have a light? You know, I'm sort of the host here tonight.
I-I better take care of this.
Sure.
( indistinct chatter ) CLIFF: Uh! Paper covers rock, and the mailman goes to the Patriots game.
Oh, that is absurd.
You're telling me that if I took my rock and hurled it, it wouldn't smash right through that puny piece of paper? Oh, will you come on?! You're just crying baby shoes 'cause you're not going to the game.
Oh Baby shoes Children, children, there's a much more fair way to decide this.
Now, foot race to the corner and back.
The winner goes to the game.
False start.
False start! I'm running this race under protest.
Carla, I don't think you have anything to worry about with Eddie.
But I don't know.
I get this sense of doom.
Maybe it's intuition, and maybe it's the fact that every time Eddie gets excited, he starts sweating like a ditch digger.
Mom, you'll never believe this.
I'm calling you from a briefcase.
Yeah? Say, Franzi, uh, you know, I was just thinking, seeing how you're new in town, how about I show you our fair city? I do not think so.
We have just met.
That's not proper in my country.
I drive a 'Vette.
I drive a Porsche.
Oh, well, maybe we could race sometime.
Oh ( panting ) Hey, congratulations, Mr.
Peterson.
You're the winner.
Put it on my headstone.
( panting ) Well, congratulations, Norm.
( panting ) You won the first leg of our triathlon.
Now, onto the.
Now, onto the, uh, biking and swimming portions.
Anybody know this guy? We found him face down at the top of the steps.
Never saw him before.
Oh, hey, Mr.
Peterson, we better hurry, or we're gonna miss the kickoff.
What? Get out of here.
What are you? Come on, come on.
Got to run.
Oh, no Woody! No, man! Wait.
Excuse me.
I think the guy on the steps would like something to drink.
We don't do takeout.
Hey, uh, Franzi, what's the matter? Sammy doesn't spin your propeller? He's rude, crude and very stupid.
I guess all the sweet, simple guys are taken.
Don't you forget it.
( sighs ) Say, I'll bet with all that skating you get pretty sore muscles.
Have you ever experienced Sammy's all-American, deep muscle massage? Have you ever experienced knowing when to quit? ( laughs ) Are you sure you're not from around here? Eddie? Yes.
Would you be so kind to give me a lift back to the hotel? Oh, sure, Franzi.
Anything.
You're so sweet.
( laughs ) CLIFF: Well, there he goes, Carla.
Don't say I didn't warn you.
You got to give her credit.
She didn't say it.
Say, uh, Rebecca, was it a big hassle getting those company tickets for Woody? No.
Can you get some for me? No.
I get it.
Employees only, huh? No.
Gotcha.
Can't go to the well too often.
No.
Then you just don't want to get 'em for me? Yes.
Well, no harm in asking.
Man, what is with these East German babes? All week long I have been trying: phone calls, flowers, the whole thing.
What am I doing wrong? Well, Sam, I see no alternative.
You're just going to have to become a communist.
What do you do? Do you apply for membership or something? I cannot believe my ears.
What? We're not talking about the Moose Lodge here.
We're talking communists, the most reprehensible perpetrators of social and economic oppression ever known to mankind.
I mean, they brainwash you, they put you to work in some tractor factory, and as for your creature comforts, forget it.
Yeah, but the stuff you had before you joined is still your stuff, am I right? Ordering.
What are you ordering, Carla? I forget.
You know where to reach me.
Carla, are you preoccupied or something? You don't still think Eddie's messing around with Franzi, do you? I have my suspicions.
Well, what evidence do you have? I'll tell you what I have.
I have nothing! That was the one good thing about Nick.
With Nick, I always knew for sure.
How? He told me.
I mean, Nick used to stick Polaroids in the family album.
Carla, you don't have anything to worry about.
I am telling you Franzi would never date anyone from that crummy ice show.
I can't believe that dame! She said she can't see me because she's fallen for some guy in the ice show.
( gasps ) Carla, she's probably just saying that because she wants to get Sam to quit bugging her.
I'll have to remember that one.
She's dating somebody, all right.
Get a load of this little tidbit of gossip.
"One international skating star was seen spooning spaghetti with a short, dark, melon-faced companion.
" Eddie! SAM: Oh, come on, Carla.
"Short, dark, melon-faced"? I mean, that could be anybody in the show.
Yeah, guess that explains why it's not one of the more popular ice shows.
That no-good, two-timing scum-sucking, son of a Hey, honey bear, come give your lover man a hug.
( screams ) Hey, Eddie, Eddie.
Hey, do you mind if I borrow Carla here for a minute? No problem.
It'll give me time to look for my tooth.
Hey, Frasier, help him out there, will ya? Tell him one of your funny psychiatry stories, will ya? Will you sit down? Now, what the hell do you think you're doing? I'm killing the horny little frog! Just come on.
Come here, will you? Look, murder is not the answer to every one of life's little problems, you know that? First of all, you don't even know if he did anything wrong, and second, if he was a little tempted, maybe you pushed him into it.
Oh, what are you talking about? Did you ever think that maybe you aren't exactly nice to the guy? Sammy, you know me.
This is as nice as it gets.
But this is the way you handle everything in your life, and it never works.
Okay, O God of Good Relationships, what do you suggest I do? Carla, Carla, you got to let Eddie know how you feel inside.
You must embrace him not, not just with your heart, but with your very soul.
Give unto him and he will give unto you.
Okay, no more for this clown.
Listen, I'm talking about the occasional back rub, the general all-around pampering.
You know, maybe buy one of those low-cut, frilly dresses.
Oh, you mean that "total woman" BS? I find that completely repulsive.
Well, that explains all the men beating down your door, doesn't it? Listen, you got to become the ideal woman, you know? Treat him like a god, cater to his every whim.
Oh, yuck! I can't do that.
I can't do frilly.
You know what they say.
"You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.
" Maybe I shouldn't be butting in here, but you can catch the most with dead squirrels.
Come on.
Guys, guys, I am not going to do this, okay? I'm going to get to the bottom of it my own way.
So, I say to this patient, "Look, you're never going to get well until you get over this paranoia.
" And he says to me, "I was afraid you'd say that.
" Well, you had to be there.
Your phone is ringing.
Ooh.
Why did you attack me like that? I'm sorry, Eddie.
Look, I've been very tense lately.
Can I ask you something? Sure.
Are you happy with me? Boy, am I.
No complaints? Not one complaint.
You're lying.
Everybody has one complaint.
I want one complaint or I'm not going to believe you're happy.
Well, okay.
What? Remember the other night when I asked you if I could have a few buddies over for poker, and you shoved my face into the refrigerator? Well, I guess I didn't like that.
Listen, Eddie, I want you to promise me something.
I want you to promise me that if you ever find someone who makes you happier than I do that you'll tell me.
Oh, yeah, right.
What do you mean by that? You'd kill me.
No, I won't.
Now tell me the truth.
Are you having an affair? No! Did you believe me when I said I wouldn't kill you? No! Then if you were having an affair, you would still be saying no! Yes! And if I weren't having a affair, I'd still say no! Honey, look, I got to tell you something.
I have a real bad headache from this conversation.
I need to lie down in a dark room.
Where do I go for frilly? All right, I will see your nickel and I'll raise you a nickel.
Too rich for my blood.
Hey, honey, more chips and dip.
Right away, sweetheart.
Hey, Ed, what's with the old lady? Why is she acting so nice? I got no idea.
She's been doing it all week.
But I got no idea how a car works either, but I don't mind riding in one, eh? Shades of the Algonquin Roundtable.
Here you are, sweetheart.
Just the way you like it.
Oh, thanks.
I thought you forgot us.
Oh, no! I was just carrying another keg in from the garage.
( doorbell rings ) Oh, let me get that, baby face.
And when you're through with that, could you grab me a beer? Anything you want.
Me, too, please.
What do I look like, a waitress? Oh, Sam, thank God it's you.
I think I'm hemorrhaging.
Don't worry about it.
I got some great news, for you at least.
I went down to Franzi's dressing room, give her one last chance.
Guess who was there.
Her boyfriend.
Her boyfriend was there? Yeah, yeah.
And Eddie's here? Hey, Carla, beer me! You think Eddie looks like a melon.
Boy, I tell you, you put a cantaloupe up next to that guy's face, I defy you to tell the difference.
Hey, Carla, Carla, what are you doing out there, growing the hops? Right away, dear.
You know, maybe I'll join them for a couple of hands of cards.
Don't bother.
The game's just about to break up.
Thanks for the warning.
Hey, honey, we're running a little low on dip.
You want some dip? Mm-hmm.
Here's your dip and your chips and your drinks and your cards.
You want 'em? Help yourselves.
I don't know about you guys.
I'm a little bushed.
You know, we really must get together like this more often.
Oh, for God's sake, Norm.
Let the dog have the dip.
Now what the hell was that all about?! You never laid a hand on that Franzi, did you? Did you kiss her even? Did you pinch her? Did you do anything? No, I swear it! How could you humiliate me like that?! Franzi? Carla, is that what you're all upset about? You think there's something going on between me and Franzi? Listen, if that woman threw herself at me, I would have nothing to do with her.
In fact, today at rehearsal I saw how inhuman she could be.
She humiliated one of the guys just because he made a little mistake.
Chewed him out in front of everyone.
Actually spit on him.
If it upset you so much, why didn't you defend the guy? I was the guy! So nothing was going on and you let me walk around like Debbie Reynolds.
Why didn't you stop me?! I thought maybe you were pregnant again and this was your way of telling me.
Well, you didn't have to like it so much.
Like it? It gave me the creeps.
Well, you certainly seemed to like it when you were making all those stupid cracks in front of your friends.
Well, you know the competition to be witty in front of those guys.
Besides, honey, I mean, isn't the important thing I've been faithful to ya? You have been, haven't you? Yeah.
Guess I kinda lost sight of that.
I was never married to anyone who was faithful before.
( scoffs ) You're really a good guy, Eddie.
I don't deserve you, but I'm going to try to from now on.
I'm going to be the perfect wife.
I don't want you to be the perfect wife.
I want the girl I married: feisty, strong-willed, and, well, downright nasty.
In a beautiful way.
You really mean that, Eddie? Oh, you bet I do.
Then get your sorry butt into the kitchen.
There's a sink full of dishes.
The garbage disposal is clogged, and there's a cat box with your name on it.
What are you doing? Oh, my sweetie is back.
Beat it.