Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - How to Win Friends and Electrocute People

WOMAN ( on TV ): You're up pretty late, aren't you? Nothing better to do than watch TV? Feeling a little lonely in the big city? Come and join the party.
Call 5, double five, P-R-T-Y, for the best party line in Boston, that's right.
There are lots of fun people on the line right now waiting for you to join in their fun talk.
Only $2.
00 plus toll if any, for three minutes of party line madness.
Why don't you try it? There's only one way to find out what sort of wild people call the party line.
Dial 5, double five, P-R-T-Y.
( TV shuts off ) Hi, my name's Woody and I'm from Indiana and I Oh, hi, Mr.
Hey! ( piano plays ) Sometimes you want to go Where everybody knows your name And they're always glad you came You want to be where you can see Our troubles are all the same You want to go where everybody knows your name How about over here by the bar, Miss Howe? Do we really have to do this? What's going on? I'll be right with you.
The Globe's doing an article on women who run pubs.
Now he wants to take my picture.
I really dread this, Sam.
Why? Because I get so tensed up in front of a camera.
All of a sudden I start looking like something the cat coughed up.
Ooh, can I have an eight-by-ten for my mantelpiece? How about a two-by-four for your bridgework? Listen, let me give you a few hints here.
I had a lot of pictures taken of me when I was playing ball.
Just relax, take the tip of your tongue and wet your lips.
Now, wet my lips.
Oh, Malone! Uh-oh, you're tensing up now, just relax.
( camera shutter clicks ) Thank you.
No, wait a minute! You can't use that picture! I had my tongue sticking out.
Can I have three copies of that? Now, please, take another picture and warn me this time.
I want this to look natural and spontaneous.
Come on, come on.
You gotta relax.
Think of something ridiculous.
Like what? Like him.
( giggles ) Hey, you're better than the Snoopy puppets I use with the kids.
Thanks, Miss Howe.
Boy, oh, boy.
How many times have I walked through that door, huh? Yep, good-bye old bar.
Take care, old stool.
Where you going, Cliff? I'm going in for surgery tomorrow.
Who knows if I'll ever walk into God's blue sky again.
It's all up to the man upstairs.
Vic, the maƮtre d' at Melville's? No, Woody.
No, never mind.
What, what are you, what are you talking about? Well, it took a lot of expensive and complicated tests, Sammy, but they finally found out what that pain was in my abdomen.
The experts call it appendicitis.
( all chuckling ) Woo, Cliffie, come on.
Now, that's a simple you know, I had it when I was a kid.
There's nothing to it.
I actually liked having my appendix out.
My parents told me I could have all the ice cream I wanted.
No, Woody, I think you're talking about tonsils.
Well, it was a long time ago, Sam, but I'm pretty sure it was ice cream.
So when are you going in? It's tomorrow.
Now, look, I want you guys to promise me, you know, if I don't pull through this thing, you know, there'll be no big, emotional scenes, no eulogies, just a small memorial service where you guys sit around and tell the funniest stories about me.
Okay, I got dibs on this one.
Great news, everybody! Lilith and I have just gotten back from the auto club.
LILITH: We have the complete itinerary for our motoring trip through the U.
in our Chevrolet.
It's a Mercedes, dear.
That was a joke, Frasier.
Oh, I forgot I married a madcap.
Hey, listen, folks, nobody's really interested about your little motor trip.
We're talking about my upcoming surgery.
So, now, where was I? So you gonna see the Grand Canyon? Yeah, don't miss Yosemite.
WOODY: Listen, if you've go to the alligator farm outside Tallahassee, tell Ivar Woody says hey, hey.
FRASIER: Of course.
Okay, gather around everybody.
I'll show you the interstates we're gonna take.
Sam, can I talk to you for a minute? Sure, have a seat.
Frasier and I will be covering over and I think it's only fair that I share some of the driving.
However, I am handicapped by one tiny thing.
I've never operated a motorized vehicle before.
You don't know how to drive? I always meant to learn, but when I was a teenager, I was too busy having fun.
Would you teach me, Sam? Uh, well, what about Frasier? We're too close.
I need someone to whom I have no emotional attachment whatsoever.
So as a friend, would you do me this favor? Yeah, why not? When do we start? The sooner the better.
All right.
Um, how do you think I'll do? I've never had a woman in a car that didn't do great.
You teach me to drive, I'll help you with your sense of humor.
Here's where you've got to be real careful.
You see, I-75 runs right down here into I-30.
Now, if you don't stay in that far left lane, it's hello, Tulsa! Well, I've got to be moseying on, you guys.
I'll, you know, see you later.
I'm going under the knife in about 12 hours or so.
Yeah, look, don't feel that you have to go out of your way to stop by, you know, and visit, New England Presbyterian, Room one niner four, visiting hours between Cliffie, I'm sure everything is going to be just okay.
Oh, yeah, well, no, sure, there's no You know, I'm in the hands of skilled professionals.
It's not like the old days, is it, you know, where they give you a shot of whiskey, lick the scalpel and they go a-carving, huh? You know, the same is true in my profession.
Time was when a person's behavior deviated in any way from what society considered normal, the town barber would take a rusty drill, bore a hole in your head, and let the evil spirits out.
Well, it's a good thing we didn't live back then, huh? Yeah, you'd be looking pretty much like a whiffle ball by now, wouldn't ya? I don't believe you guys.
That's it.
I'm leaving.
Come on.
Fine! Fine! Who needs your kind around here anyway? Gentlemen! Now I think that this bar is big enough for people who like The Addams Family and The Munsters.
Okay, all right, fine.
I'll take back what I said about Cousin It.
That's okay, it was in the heat of the moment.
All right.
Hey, hey, hey, here's that article they interviewed Rebecca for.
Look at that.
Oh, hey, how's her picture? There isn't one.
Oh, God, it was so crummy they didn't even print it.
Oh, wait a minute.
there it is, right there on the back.
How is it? ALL: Eww! Is it that bad? No, Norm got cheese whiz all over the paper.
Actually, the picture's not bad.
Not bad? It's great.
Let me see that.
This is a decent picture of me.
Look at that! I'm gorgeous and sexy.
And dead as a doornail.
What? You're in the obituaries.
Oh, God! No, don't feel bad, it says you died in bed.
I didn't know you helped build the Panama Canal.
Woody, that is someone else's obituary.
I am not dead.
I am a living, breathing human being.
I know that.
So where'd they put all the dirt, anyway? Excuse me, can I get someone to sign for these? Yo, right over here.
Let me see these.
Oh, they're from corporate headquarters.
Did we do well last month? "Dear friends at Cheers, we mourn the loss "of Rebecca Howe.
At last her pain is over.
" I'm going to call them up, straighten this out before they start making funeral arrangements.
If I were you, I'd have a closed casket.
Yeah, well, why Grandpa Munster never won an Emmy, I'll never know.
Come on, maybe it's because he stole his whole character from Uncle Fester.
Oh, Lord, is this still going on?! This has got to be one of the stupidest arguments I've ever heard since I started coming to this bar.
Hey, we resent that.
Yeah, why wasn't it the stupidest? Well, frankly, it lacks meaningless statistics and inane historical trivia.
Say, where is Cliff anyway? Yeah, is he still in the hospital? Uh, I don't know, how's he doing? I thought you were going to go see him.
Well, I tried, I mean, I got as far as the hospital lobby, but you know, the smell of alcohol makes me really queasy.
Well, I, you know, I was gonna go see him, but I got to wait until I have a night off here.
Woody? How about you? Oh, that's what this string on my finger is for.
What the heck is this one for? Surely somebody gave him a call or sent flowers, a card? Carla? Yeah, right.
( muttering excuses ) Look, this is terrible! Don't you realize that since Cliff's mother moved to Florida, we are his sole support group? This desertion in his hour of crisis could cause him deep emotional scars.
So why didn't you go see him? Well, what, I don't have a life? I think we ought to go down there right now and tell Mr.
Clavin how we feel about him.
Don't you think that would be a little cruel? I mean, the guy just had an operation.
Actually, visiting hours are over.
We're going to have to wait until tomorrow.
Hey, wait a minute.
Cliff's at New England Presbyterian.
That's on my rounds-- I have to go by there tonight.
I can get in to see him.
Well, great, why don't you go buy a card and date it yesterday, sign all our names to it, okay? Slam dunk.
Is that going to be enough? Come on, it's just an appendectomy.
They're taking out a useless organ.
He's chock-full of those.
Ah, excuse me, I'm Dr.
Uh, where is Mr.
Clavin? He was just discharged.
Oh, great, just my luck.
I'm the one who gets to run all over town to find a stupid card for the idiot, Clavin, and he isn't even here.
Just a token of how much we care.
Don't you want to read the card? I, uh, just forgot my jacket.
Well, you're going to hear it anyway, Cliff.
"Glad you're feeling better.
"So sorry you were ill.
"If you thought things were bad before, wait till you get the bill.
" Oh, that zesty greeting card humor, huh? ( chuckling ) Well, gee, Cliff, I was just trying to help.
You want to help? Well, uh, maybe you can help with this.
I, uh, I been doing some soul searching here.
A man gets a lot of time to think with a tube up his nose, and What I what I realized is that, uh I'm alone in this world.
I mean, uh, nobody came to visit me.
Not one of my so-called friends out there even bothered to walk through that door.
Look, and they all feel terrible about it, Cliff.
They lead busy lives.
They just couldn't find the time.
Come on, Doc, cut the malarkey, will you? They found the time to visit Sammy when he was in the hospital.
And Carla when she had the twin.
Normie, when he went in for the butt tuck I know why they didn't visit.
It's because it was me.
No, Cliff.
Oh, yeah, come on, Doc.
They don't like me, they don't really care.
Come on, you can tell me the truth.
Go ahead, right between the eyes, give it to me.
Well, I suppose you're not the most popular person in the bar.
Oh, and you are, huh? Doc, you suppose comments like that are part of the problem? Could be.
God, I don't believe it.
I mean, all these years, and I never realized it.
( chuckling softly ) Could I really be that insensitive? ( man groaning ) Cliff.
Oh, God, I am insensitive.
Hey, sorry there, old timer.
What can I do about it? A little therapy might not be amiss.
Oh, no, Doc, isn't there something better than therapy? I mean, you know, something a little quicker; you know, a little easier.
We're talking about a major personality change, Cliff.
It's not like you're trying to quit smoking.
We can't give you an electric shock every time you reach for a cigarette.
Hey, hey, hey, yeah, that's not a bad idea.
Now, now, now, just calm down.
Look, maybe I'm overstating the problem.
Maybe all you need to get people to like you a little better is just some good, old-fashioned politeness.
Maybe you don't need to take any desperate measures.
Oh, yes, he does.
So, you get ahold of him? No, no, no, just get the darned answering machine all the time.
I hate that message.
It's not so much the content of the message as the fact that Cliff sings it to the tune of "Volare.
" Well, he's got to come back sooner or later.
Look, I suggest that when he does, we all give him a very warm welcome.
Well, all I'm promising is not to treat him like a bug.
Well, you see, Carla's willing to go that extra mile.
Hello, Frasier.
Hello, blossom bottom, how was your lesson? I like driving.
It's a wonderful feeling.
Total control of woman over machine.
The speed, the power, the ecstasy-- I was jazzed.
You know, you're insane.
You're a maniac.
You're certifiable.
I'm glad to see you're talking to me again.
Has your nose stopped bleeding? Geez, Sam, are you all right? No thanks to your wife.
I cannot believe you made that gesture to that guy.
I see people make that gesture to Frasier all the time.
Yeah, but Frasier's not driving an 18-wheeler with a little bumper sticker that says "Insured by Smith & Wesson.
" Well, he cut me off.
That happens all the time.
It doesn't mean that you gun it up to 80 and run the guy off the road.
I blew his doors off, didn't I? The last thing you want to do is stop the car, get out, and start poking your finger in the folds of his neck.
I wasn't afraid; I thought you could handle him.
Yeah, well, I tried, didn't I? Oh, yes, that vicious head butt to his fist sent him reeling.
Hey, come on.
Come on, honey, let's hurry and have lunch.
I'm anxious to take you for a spin.
Certainly, my dear.
Yeah, lots of luck, Doc.
You know, she's a menace.
You know, you are a hazard to every driver and pedestrian on the road.
I'll tell you something else.
You know, you shouldn't be allowed to get anywhere near anything with wheels, because you are, by far, the worst, the most dangerous, the most maniacal driver I've ever seen.
I was fine.
Now, Cliff, let me remind you again, that it's extremely unorthodox to use shock aversion treatment outside the clinic.
I make no guarantees.
Hey, look, we covered all that.
It's time to go for broke, all right? Whatever you say; are your contacts in place? Yeah, here, better test it just to make sure.
Good idea.
Say something obnoxious.
What do you mean, obnoxious? I don't know what's obnoxious.
You're the so-called expert.
( grunting ) Perfect.
Guys, look, it's Cliff; he's back.
Okay, remember, this is his first time back since the operation, so just make a big welcome for him and act like you're interested in everything he has to say.
CLIFF: Hey, guys.
Hey, Cliffie! Hey! ( all shout greetings ) All right! Hey, I hardly recognize you out of uniform, big guy.
SAM: Yeah, listen, we're so sorry we didn't come down to the hospital.
Oh, no problem.
Yeah, so how was the operation? Yeah, yeah, how much did they shave? Ah, I don't want to bore you with stories about me.
I'm more interested in, uh, what you guys have been up to.
I don't know, uh usual stuff, I guess.
No, no, don't be shy; come on, share with me.
Sam's giving Dr.
Sternin driving lessons.
( snide chuckling ) Should be giving her personality lessons.
( chuckles, yelps ) But, uh, who among us is perfect? SAM: So, uh when are you getting back to the route? Well, the doc said an ordinary guy would be out for three weeks, but with my incredible physical stamina ( yelps softly ): Three weeks.
NORM: Cliffie, uh are you okay? You know, the Oh, yeah, uh, it's a little pain from the stitches.
SAM: Oh, wow, man.
You know, it's lucky you dropped by.
We were having this argument.
Maybe you can settle it for us.
We were wondering who came up with that great post office phrase, you know, rain, sleet, dark of night-- that kind of thing.
( everybody agreeing ) Excuse me.
( clearing throat ) He did ask.
Okay, but keep it short.
Well, uh, you know, interestingly enough, uh it harks back to, uh, the early Persian empire, about 500 B.
Oh, is that right? Great.
Really? Oh, yeah, yeah.
As a matter of fact, a lot of our ancient wonders are postal related.
Get out.
Oh, yeah; no, really.
The pyramids for example-- they were post offices.
And the Sphinx, that was a late-night drop off.
( groaning ) But, uh, I digress.
Cliff? CLIFF: Eh? When you were in the hospital, did they give you a lobotomy? I mean, it suits you.
( chuckling ): Boy, did I miss this good-natured ribbing.
( groaning ) Ah, excuse me.
Getting a little trigger happy with that thing, aren't you? Well, you sounded a little sarcastic.
I wasn't being sarcastic.
Judgment call.
Fair enough.
Welcome back, Cliff.
( groaning ) What the hell was that for? Oh, sorry, thumb spasm.
Well, it's good to be back.
So who's gonna buy me a beer? ( groaning ) Come on, it was a joke, you bozo! ( groaning ) Stop that! ( groaning ): I said stop that! All right, the experiment's off! ( groans three times ) You're a quack! ( rapid series of groans ) ( groaning continues ) Okay! Let's see how you like it, pal.
( rapid series of groans ) ( groaning continues ) Remember, we still have your deposit on that unit! So, uh, what were we talking about? Cliff what's going on here? Where? Come on, Cliff.
Well, it's some harebrained scheme I came up with.
I When you guys didn't visit me in the hospital, I knew it was because I wasn't popular, so I, uh, went down to this aversion therapy place and bribed the guy to give me a shock every time I acted like a jerk.
I thought it would make me a different person.
I guess it didn't work, huh? I better be going.
Uh I'll see you guys later.
You know, as a matter of fact, I, uh guess I won't, huh? He'll be back.
Yeah, sure he will.
I don't know.
Yeah, kind of sounded different this time.
Somebody ought to go get him.
Yeah, you're right.
Yeah, yeah.
But who? I want Norm.
Looks like you're up, big fella.
Yeah, I'll have to see if I can go catch him, huh? Cliffie? Cliff, come back in here, you big lug.
You know we love you, huh? This place wouldn't be the same without you.
Yeah, yeah, sure.
No, no, and we owe you a big apology for not going to visit you in the hospital.
( murmuring apologies ) And? I'm sorry we made you feel like you had to do all that dumb shock therapy stuff.
And? And it wasn't really necessary because we're the jerks and you're not.
And? Don't push it, Clavin.
Now, now, Carla, stop your blubbering.
Well, I guess I'm a big enough man to accept your apologies and I guess there are one or two things I could change about my personality, and, uh, well, let's start with this.
Innkeeper, champagne on me for all my friends.
All right! What a guy! Uh-huh.
Sammy? Yeah? Let's make it the cheap stuff, okay? ( groaning ) All right, who's got the button? Nobody here.
Not here.
( groaning ) Dance, mailman!