Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - Send in the Crane

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Sorry, Dr.
Crane, I just don't understand this word association stuff.
Right, allow me to demonstrate.
Now, I'll say a word, and then you say the first word that you think of.
Norm, we'll start with you.
Over.
Under.
Inside.
Outside.
Bottom.
Thermostat.
( Norm and Cliff chuckling ) If you could make any sense out of that, uh, I got a sawbuck here with your name on it.
Okay, you're on.
It might not be a total non sequitur.
Let me see, uh Perhaps in the house Woody grew up in, the thermostat was at the bottom of the stairs.
Actually, it was in the kitchen.
I'll, uh, take cash or check.
No, no, or, uh, well, the, uh, the heater may have been in the, uh, cellar, and so it was at the bottom of the house.
Nope.
Thermostat is difficult to spell.
Woody was at the bottom of his class.
Woody, did you turn up the heat again? Yes, Miss Howe.
I told you, it's too hot in here.
Now, if you keep turning it up, I have to keep turning it down.
That wouldn't be a problem if they hadn't put the damn thermostat in such an awkward place.
I can barely reach it.
Sorry, Miss Howe.
( piano plays ) Sometimes you want to go Where everybody knows your name And they're always glad you came You want to be where you can see Our troubles are all the same You want to go where everybody knows your name.
Frasier, where the hell have you been? You were supposed to pick me up at the airport.
Well, um, gee, I didn't do a very good job of it, did I? Well, welcome home, dear.
Where have you been? Paris.
Perhaps you remember, we liberated it during the war.
Yes, now that I recall, you did say something about it.
Well, I've just been so damn busy.
You do forgive me, don't you? Oh, of course.
I could never stay mad at you.
Well, how was Paris? It was thrilling.
The City of Light.
Here.
Ooh, what's this? A souvenir.
I'm tired of your pinstripe boxers.
They're dull, unimaginative and bourgeois.
Well, they always speak very highly of you.
An eye patch.
No, you ninny, it's French underwear.
( Cliff chortling ) It doesn't leave, uh, much to the imagination, there, ( chuckling ): does it, Fras? Not that I was imagining anything.
They're all the rage in Paris.
They sell them everywhere.
I bought these at the Louvre.
Well, Lilith, dear I do appreciate the gift, dearest, but, uh, I, I don't know if they're really me.
Well, don't make up your mind before you even try them on.
NORM: Yeah, what do you say, Fras? Strap them on.
Yeah, yeah.
Well, I suppose I could slip into the bathroom for a moment.
Oh, Frasier, do.
( phone rings ) Say, what am I going to do with the old pair? Save them; I'm making a memory quilt.
Sam, phone for you.
It's Judy.
Judy-- ( chuckling ): Hi! Well, of course I remember you.
You're kidding me? Well, that's just around the corner.
Listen, why don't you come on over? We can replay all the old memories.
( laughs ) All right.
Judy who? She didn't say, Sam.
CARLA: How many Judys have you dated? Well, let's see, there was, uh, Judy Johnson, right? The, uh, tall redhead, remember? She had freckles, great legs.
There's Judy Petinski.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, Judy Chang.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
How come you guys remember my love life better than I do? Well, I think it meant more to us, Sammy.
Wasn't there, um, a Judy Marlowe? ( chuckling ): Oh, that's the one I remember.
Sammy, hot stuff.
Oh, you betcha.
God, did we have great times.
I remember all the playgrounds, the circuses, the pony rides Uh, excuse me, Sam.
Exactly how old was this Judy? No, no, she was a divorcee.
She had this little girl.
Must be about what, 15 years since I've seen the two of them.
Just in case, you know, if she comes in here and she's not very good-looking, will you do me a favor-- pretend like you're my wife.
Okay.
All right.
Give me all the money in your wallet.
Why? What are you doing? I'm practicing.
Lilith, I have only one thing to say to you.
Vive la difference.
Woody, I asked you to bring up a case of scotch Now, will you just do it, please? Sorry, Miss Howe; right away.
Whoa.
Get up on the wrong side of the web? No, I am just sick and tired of the way I am treated by this company.
They're trying to break my spirit, to bring me to my knees.
They want to see how long its going to take before I say I quit.
Why, what do they want you to do now? Throw a party.
Oh, my God, these people must be stopped.
I'm supposed to throw a kiddie party for the executives' brats; well, I'll show them.
I am going to throw the best damn party of the year.
I am going to have the best food, the best games Does anybody know where I can hire a professional clown? Would you settle for a couple of amateurs with red noses? Say, you know who you should hire? Woody.
He's an actor.
At least a perennial understudy.
That's not a bad idea.
I wonder if Woody's interested.
Woody? I have to hire a clown for a children's party.
Do you think you could handle the part? "Handle the part"? I've always wanted to play a clown.
You hear that, everybody? I get to be a clown.
I'm a clown, I'm a clown, I'm a clown! Sam? Judy? ( chuckling ): Oh, wow! God, what a relief! What are you talking about? Well, it's been 15 years since we've seen each other, and you look just as good as I do.
Oh, hey, how you been? Oh, I've been great, I've been great.
Well, come over here, sit down.
Carla, let's have some, uh, white wine, please.
Guess what? What? My daughter Laurie came along to say hi.
I'd love to see her again.
Weren't the three of us, didn't we have fun together, huh? You were always a great uncle, Sammy.
A lot of men get jealous.
They don't want to share.
Hey, I hope I never get so possessive that I'm not willing Hi, Mom.
to share.
Sam, you remember Laurie.
Hi.
( laughing ): Wow.
You used to be so And now she's so So, uh hey, how are you? I'm fine, Mr.
Malone.
"Mr.
Malone"? Hey, come on, I'm the same guy that used to push you in the swings and give you piggy-back rides and play with you in the bathtub.
No, that was me.
Oh, right, right, right.
Well, look at the two of you.
Look at the three of us.
Let's look at the two of you again.
Look, I know you two have a lot of catching up to do, but it was really good to see you again, Sam.
Oh, wow, I just flashed on the way you used to make me hold your hand crossing the street.
Anyway, I'll see you.
Wait, wait, where you going? What's the rush? Why is my voice so high? I got an idea.
Uh, why don't, uh, why don't the three of us uh, do, uh, one of those things we used to do in the old days-- You know, get an ice cream cone together, or something.
I would love that.
Do you know something, Sam? What? I am really glad that I picked up the phone and called you.
Oh, me, too.
Come on, Uncle Sammy.
There's a lot of traffic out there.
( high-pitched laugh ) Looks like Sammy's heading for trouble.
Yeah, looks like kind of a fun trip, though, doesn't it? Carla, did you have the soft drinks delivered to Mrs.
Ridgeway's house for the party tomorrow? Yeah, yeah-- four cases.
The kids will be burping all through Woody's act.
Don't worry, with this outfit and these props, I'm going to have those kids rolling on the floor.
Yeah, rolling around and burping-- now there's an attractive image for you.
You know, Woody, I envy you, I really do.
Creating laughter can be a healing art.
Sometimes a clown can do better than a psychiatrist.
Yeah, and you can fit more of them into a little car.
Got my funny horn, my squirting flower, my joke book-- can't miss.
CARLA: Oh, yeah? Let's see an example of a joke that can't miss.
"Did you hear about Yeah.
"the human cannonball? It's hard to find a man of his caliber.
" I don't, uh, hear any hilarity ensuing there, Wood-man.
Oh, you have to try them both at the same time-- the props and the jokes.
Try it again.
Boy, this is going to be flop city.
"Did you hear about the human cannonball? It's hard to find a man of his caliber.
" ( horn honks ) ( laughter ) See? Can't miss.
Let me try this.
This looks like fun.
Uh, all right.
"You hear about the sword swallower who only eats penknives 'cause he's on a diet?" ( horn honks ) ( laughter ) All right, all right, you think that's funny? Go ahead, Norm, do another one.
All right.
Uh, "Did you hear about the, uh, the tightrope walker who went nuts? They had to, uh, throw a net under him.
" ( horn honks ) You know, you're right.
It is funnier when you do it.
Here we go.
Thanks, Uncle Sammy, that was great, but I've got to get to aerobics class.
I'll call you tonight, Mom.
Bye, honey.
God, kids are fun! Mmm.
I especially loved taking her to that department store and watching her little face light up.
Obviously.
Hey, come on, what's the matter with you? I'm getting a little tired of having you invite Laurie along with us everywhere we go.
Oh, now, come on.
Mommy needs a little quality time for herself.
Well, sweetheart, all you had to do was ask.
Listen, what do you say I pick you up around 8:00-- just the two of us, all evening? Adults only.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Caution, some scenes may be unsuitable for immature viewers.
I'll close my eyes.
SAM: Oh, God! Why? What? What's the matter? I guess I'm remembering what happened the last time you tried to pitch both ends of a double header.
Oh, boy.
Is it that obvious? I think it was the drooling that gave you away.
Yeah, well, see, the thing is that I'm really attracted to Laurie, and I want to ask her out, but I don't want to stop dating the mother at the same time.
I mean, it's like a real problem, you know? Gee, must be a burden being so sensitive.
Yeah.
Uh, Sammy, door number two.
Hey, Laurie, what'd you do, forget something? Well, my class was canceled, so I was gonna find Mom and see if she wanted to grab some lunch.
But I guess she already left, huh? Yeah, just a few minutes ago.
Oh, well, it's no biggie.
Well, wait a minute, wait a minute.
Listen, uh, if you have a couple minutes on your hand here I'm about due for a break, aren't I, Rebecca? Hell yes, you've been back at work for almost five minutes.
Wouldn't it be a hoot if your uncle took you back to the same zoo, but 15 years later? How about it, guys? Would that be a "hoot" or what? Uncle Sammy, you're too much.
I'll go bring the car around.
Great, I'll meet you up there, okay? Just a minute.
Zoos are kind of sad, you know? Huh? I mean, all those sedentary animals can't move, can't run free, they just sit there and drink and shovel food in their faces.
Sorry, man, that is no kind of life.
FRASIER: Sam? You're trying to date your girlfriend's daughter.
Now, isn't there a little voice in the back of your mind trying to tell you something? Little voice? Your conscience? My conscience? You mean like Jiminy Cricket? Well, okay.
Well, yeah, as a matter of fact, I do hear this little voice.
But it's not coming from the direction of my brain.
CARLA: Sammy, you better be careful.
See, even Carla agrees with me.
No, I'm just worried that he's going to blow it with both chicks.
Mothers and daughters talk to each other.
Well, not in my family, but usually.
Sweetheart, I've handled trickier situations than this before.
You remember the time I dated those lovely Henshaw triplets all at the same time? Sammy, first of all, that was back when you were drinking like a fish.
And second of all, that was one chick.
Frasier, you okay, bud? I'm a little concerned here, Norm.
My fingers are tingling.
My hand's numb, my feet are cold.
Either I'm having a heart attack or this new French underwear Lilith gave me is too tight.
Ah cancel the paramedics.
All right, all right.
All right! I'm going on tonight! I'm going on! What do you mean, in your theater group? Yeah, yeah.
The lead has a fever of 106.
The rest of the cast tried to drag him out of bed, but he kept falling down.
I get to go on! Woody, are you ready to go? We're going to be late for the kiddie party.
Oh, Ms.
Howe, I hate to let you down, but I can't be your clown.
I'm playing Marc Antony.
"Friends, Romans, countrymen.
" What are you talking about? Countrymen-- people who live outside the city.
You know, shepherds, farmers, ranchers.
Woody, you can't desert me like this.
I don't have time to get anyone else.
This is the chance he's been waiting for.
Butt out! You are the one who insisted I hire him in the first place.
Well, I was merely suggesting Where am I going to get another clown now?! I am ruined and it's your fault.
You're the one who got me in this mess.
You owe me a clown.
Well, where do you think I can find one now? Gee, Frasier, I mean, weren't you the one who said how much you envied Woody? Well, yes, I did say that And that clowns do more good than psychiatrists? Well, surely you're not suggesting Yeah, you'll be great, Dr.
Crane.
Stuff's all right here in this box.
You can't miss.
Me? You want me to don the jester's motley? It's got to be you, Dr.
Crane.
It takes a big man to fill these shoes.
Well, why not? I mean, they're just children after all.
And I always have had a special rapport with the wee people.
Where's the harm? All right, let's go, Frasier.
We're late already.
Here's your outfit! Oh, gee, Woody, you know, I haven't had time to rehearse.
I don't know anything about being a clown.
You got any last minute advice for me? Just be yourself.
Ah, words of wisdom.
Well, I'm out of here, okay? You think Bozo the Shrink can really cut it? Are you kidding? That stuff is foolproof.
The squirting flower, the horn, the trick handkerchief What trick handkerchief? You never showed us that.
That's the best one of all.
You pull the handkerchief out of your pocket and your pants fall down.
Underneath I'm wearing these ridiculous big red polka dot shorts.
It's a riot! You mean Frasier's supposed to be wearing those shorts? Oh, no.
I forgot to give my underwear to Dr.
Crane.
I should call.
Well, no, no.
I've got to get to the theater.
Listen, Carla, somebody should warn him.
Would you call him? Of course.
( laughing ) Okay, kids, you say hi to Binky! KIDS: Hi, Binky! Binky, do your act.
I don't have an act, I'm a psychiatrist.
Show them your funny feet.
I can't, I've got these big shoes on.
Oh, I see what you mean.
Say, kids, what do you think of these feet, huh? I got such big feet because my mother was a goose.
Want to hear me honk? ( horn honks ) The real clown was killed.
Rebecca, what am I gonna do? I don't know what you're going to do, but you better think of something quick because you're making Do the flower deal.
Oh, you mean this.
( laughing ) Hey, they like it! You want to see that again, kids? Yeah! Hey, I'm a clown, I'm a clown! Hey, guys Wait till you hear this.
I'm sitting at a table in this restaurant with Judy and Laurie.
The mother reaches over and grabs my knee and says, "Sam, I want you.
" Get out.
Then I feel the daughter reaching over and grabbing my other knee.
She says, "I want you, too, Sammy.
" Well, yeah, yeah? Then I woke up.
You know what this dream means, don't you? Mm-hmm, it means you even dream better than we do.
No, no, it means that Frasier's right.
That my conscience is getting to me.
You know, I must feel bad that I'm going out with this woman while I'm trying to score with her daughter at the same time.
Sammy, you're scaring me.
How do you think I feel? I mean, this hasn't ever happened to me before.
I mean, you don't think that that I'm getting scruples? Now you just stop it right there, buddy boy.
You're talking crazy.
Damn it, I mean, I really hate this.
I keep hearing this little voice and this time it's coming from my brain and it just, it won't shut up.
And I got this feeling that it's going to keep nagging me until I just do the right thing and break it off with the daughter.
Whoa, wait, wait, Sammy, Sammy, listen.
I could probably weather this scruples stuff, but the guys I mean, they look up to you so much.
Sammy.
Sammy, please.
Reconsider, okay? A mother and her daughter.
This was going to be something I could tell my grandchildren.
Oh, Sam, Sam.
Listen, guys.
I just have to do the right thing here.
Hi.
Hi.
What ya doing? I want to talk to you.
I hope I'm doing the right thing coming to you.
My mom doesn't know I'm here.
I don't know how to ask you this.
I've never done it before.
Ooh Go on.
Sam, when I was a little girl I used to think you were the most wonderful man in the whole world.
I still do.
But I'm not a little girl anymore.
ALL: Ooh! Would you, uh, wait a minute? I'll be right back.
Remember those scruples? Yeah? To the showers.
Say, Laurie, I want to tell you how happy I am that you feel you can come and talk to me.
Because I feel that you and I have this Oh, look at that.
A new ring? That's what I came to ask you.
What? I'm getting married and I want you to give me away.
Why you little, sl sly one.
Who's the lucky guy? Oh, it's a guy I met at school.
We've been going together a couple years.
You know, he's a lot like a young you, Sam.
Thank you.
I can't wait to give you away.
Thank you, Uncle Sammy.
I love you.
Yeah, whatever.
Run along.
I'm so sorry.
Don't feel bad, Sammy.
I let you guys down.
CARLA: Listen, Sammy.
Sure, things didn't go your way and, sure, we're a little disappointed, but we'll get over it.
What's important here is that you tried to do the wrong thing.
Hey, that's right, I did, didn't I? Sammy, ( chanting ): Sammy, Sammy! ( applause ) Thank you.
Okay, now I think there's some more cake and ice cream in there for you.
Yay! Oh, Binky, you were wonderful.
I must admit I was a bit worried at first, it took us quite a while to warm up to you.
Yes, well, thank you, kind lady.
See, actually I have a confession to make.
Ah? I'm really Dr.
Frasier Crane, practicing psychiatrist.
Clowning is my avocation.
And, Ms.
Howe, I will be sure to mention to my husband the splendid work you did on this party.
Thank you, Mrs.
Ridgeway.
Now, if you will excuse me for a moment.
You have no idea how lucky we are.
That was Woody on the phone.
He called to check up on us.
That handkerchief is a trick handkerchief.
If you had pulled that out of your pocket, your pants would have fallen down around your ankles and then we would've seen those skimpy underpants.
Oh, good Lord.
That's not the half of it.
You see, I took off that little French torture device that Lilith got me earlier today.
I've been doing this al fresco.
Dr.
Crane, would you come here for a moment? I'd like you to meet my mother.
Why yes, I'd be delighted to.
I've heard such wonderful things about her.
( sneezes ) Gesundheit, madam.
Here's my handkerchief.
REBECCA: No! ( woman screams, loud thud ) MRS.
RIDGEWAY: Mother? Mother?