Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - Bar Wars II: The Woodman Strikes Back

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Oh, hi, Dr.
Sternin.
Dr.
Crane isn't here.
I know.
He's at home, and that's why I'm not.
CARLA: Whoa-ho! Trouble in Casa de Wacko? Not really.
Scotch, Woody.
I'm just not looking forward to going home.
Frasier's giving me every indication that he expects me to indulge in another one of his silly little fantasies tonight, but it's really rather personal.
I know just what you mean.
Husbands can drive you nuts about stuff like that.
Take my Eddie.
He borrowed this fairy princess costume from the ice show.
Really.
Every Friday night, I have to dress up and put a magic sex spell on him.
Well, as long as we're sharing, here's what I have waiting for me.
Every so often, Frasier likes to regress to his childhood.
First, he insists on calling me Mommy.
I fix him cinnamon toast and strawberry milk.
Then it's bath time-- one of my favorites-- followed by my tucking him into bed and singing "All the Pretty Little Horses.
" After that, we make love until the windows rattle.
Men! They're really something, aren't they? Oh, by the way, about all that fairy princess stuff? I was just kidding.
So was I.
Oh, right, Mommy.
Hey, guys, get a load of this! Oh! Carla! Carla! ( piano plays ) Sometimes you want to go Where everybody knows your name And they're always glad you came You want to be where you can see Our troubles are all the same You want to go where everybody knows your name.
Afternoon, everybody.
ALL: Norm! Hey, Mr.
Peterson.
There's a cold one waiting for you.
I know.
And, if she calls, I'm not here.
You're just the man I want to see here.
Listen, I want you taste this Bloody Mary for me.
Oh, please, Sammy.
Not again.
We did this all day yesterday.
And we're going to do it all day today until we get this right.
Now, listen up, everybody.
I am not losing the Bloody Mary contest to Gary's Olde Towne Tavern again.
Now, please.
I got Rebecca out there.
I got Carla out there.
They all got their little jobs to The least you can do is taste this for me.
All right, all right.
There you go.
Huh? What do you think? Not bad, Sammy.
Yeah? Yeah.
I mean, it's a little thick, but, uh All in all, I'd have to say it was ( choking ) That's great.
I get the point, man.
That's very funny.
No, no.
I actually I rather liked that one.
Hey, hey.
Whoa, whoa.
Would you guys stop horsing around here? I'm serious.
I want this guy Gary, and I want him bad.
I am tired of having him do everything better than we do.
He's got a better softball team, a better tag football team.
Better T-shirts.
They have T-shirts? Here.
I'll show you.
NORM: Oh, yeah.
I've got that one in red.
Ooh! They have them in red now? CLIFF: But you got to preorder.
They're 100% cotton.
All the sizes are very true.
I'll order one this afternoon.
Listen, you guys are not taking me seriously.
I mean it.
I want to hurt this guy where he lives.
Speaking of that, have you seen his house? He's renovating this beautiful old Victorian.
It's on the cover of Boston magazine.
I saw that.
I hear he's coming out with a new T-shirt of it, too.
You guys are not helping me.
Sammy, I'm back.
Well, what took you so long? I just spent the last two hours wandering through the streets of Chinatown, thanks to your brilliant directions.
What? What? "Look for a shop with a dead duck hanging in the window.
" I defy you to find a shop in Chinatown without a dead duck in the window.
Anyway I got it.
You are looking at the last ounce of black cardamom on the Eastern seaboard.
Ooh Nice.
Sammy, let's see that stuff, huh? Sammy, you really think that stuff is going help us win the contest? Are you kidding me? Wait until you see what this does to the taste of a Bloody Mary.
Whoo, boy! This is pretty pungent stuff, huh? ( chuckles ) ( sneezes ) Oh, my God! My allergy.
Did someone bring some black cardamom in here? CARLA: Woody! It's all gone! Great.
There goes the contest.
Well, big deal.
In about 20 minutes, I'm going to swell up like a blowfish.
Well, what what are we supposed to do now? Usually, I pack my face in ice.
Sam, guess what I've got under my coat.
If I guess right, can I keep them? No, you idiot.
I've got some of Gary's top secret Bloody Mary mix.
Hey, way to go, Rebecca! Baby, how did you get it? How do you think I got it? You did that dorky twirl, and, when he laughed, you grabbed it and ran.
Okay, fine.
Forget it.
I'm not going to tell you.
Oh, come on.
We won't make fun of you.
All right.
That thing Carla said.
Well, I'm the one that got it.
Well, that's good.
That's good.
Now I'm going to take it down to the company pharmaceutical division and have it analyzed to find out Gary's secret ingredient.
CLIFF: No, no.
No need to do that, Rebecca.
Sammy, pour me a shot of that concoction.
I'll tell you exactly what's in it.
Oh, man, I don't know.
No, no, no.
I've got very sensitive taste buds.
As a matter of fact, in medieval times, Clavins were the royal tasters.
I heard they were royal something.
Well, I don't know what's in it, but Gary makes the best Bloody Mary I've ever tasted.
NORM: All right, Sammy, set me up with a shot of that, huh? Let me have some of that.
Hey, hey, you guys, don't drink it all.
I have to take some to the lab.
This is great.
Gary deserves to win this contest every year.
It's almost worth cramming myself into this dress.
Hey, I'd dress up as a hooker to get some of this stuff.
Oh, come on, you guys.
It can't be that special.
I suppose you're going to tell me that Cheers has never made a Bloody Mary this good.
Sammy, Cheers never made anything this good.
I wonder what's in it.
( sneezes ) ( jar breaks ) Well, we know there's black cardamom in it.
Damn it, Woody! Ah! Cheers where good times go to die.
CLIFF: Well, well, well! If it isn't Gary from Gary's Olde Towne Tavern.
Look, pal, didn't I tell you if you step one more foot in here you'd have me to answer to? Yeah, and I told you if you got in my way you'd wind up in the next zip code.
Then we have had this discussion, huh? Now, I brought a little present to my friends at Cheers.
Oh, yeah? What's that, Gary? Towels for you to cry into after I win the Bloody Mary contest.
You know what I'd like to do with that towel? I'd like to shove that up your nose, pull it out your mouth a couple times, and buff up your sinuses for you.
Oh, as if you could.
Oh, I could.
You could not.
Could too.
Could not.
Could too.
Could not! Could too! Way to go, Sammy! See me slip that "could too" in there? Well, you won that one, Malone.
But that's the last thing you're going to win.
Hey, big shot, we won this contest the first two years they had it.
Well, since I opened, I've won the last four.
All that proves is that you've won it twice as much as we have.
How did you like that, Sam? Let me handle this, Woody.
Just get going.
Get out of here, would you? Is this the thanks I get for my heartfelt gift? No.
This is.
Oh, that's nice.
I see you're still hiring the cool Grace Kelly type for waitresses.
Choke on it! Okay, okay, I'm going back to the Olde Towne Tavern, where my exclusive satellite coverage of the World Welterweight title fight is about to get underway.
Hey.
Hey, wait.
Hey, come on.
Where the hell do you think you're going? Uh just taking a little stroll.
Ah! That was refreshing, wasn't it? Hey, Doc.
What's going on? Well, for one thing, I find myself baching it again.
Lilith finally blow her brains out? No.
But thank you for asking after her, Carla.
So where is the lovely Dr.
Sternin? Well, she's in Albany for a few days attending a conference on gender stereotyping.
Gender stereotyping? Yes.
It's unfairly attributing certain modes of behavior exclusively to one sex.
That sounds kind of boring.
Why did she go to that? Who knows? You know women.
I can't tell you how honored we are that you've chosen our bar as the site of the Bloody Mary contest.
Well, we were going to hold it at Gary's Olde Towne Tavern, but they're just so darn crowded in there.
Well, you know, you'll never have that problem here.
Well, I better be going.
I have to drop off a set of rules at Gary's Tavern.
So long.
Bye.
What the hey? That's Gary on the TV.
GARY: We hid a secret camera in a competitor's establishment.
Let's hear what they have to say about Gary's Bloody Marys.
Boy, I don't know what's in that, but Gary makes the best Bloody Mary I've ever tasted.
GARY: Really? Gary deserves to win this contest every year.
Thank you very much.
And you'd be surprised what some people would do to get a hold of my Bloody Mary mix.
Hey, I'd dress up like a hooker to get some of this stuff.
GARY: But you can get a pretty good Bloody Mary just about anywhere in town.
Isn't that right? Cheers never made a Bloody Mary this good.
If you say so, Sam Malone of Cheers.
Anybody know the way to Gary's? I'll give you a lift.
I can't believe that weasel filmed us! Oh, that stunt tears it.
Now I'm mad.
Yeah, I can tell.
How? That little vein bulging in my forehead? No.
My nostrils flaring? No.
My jaw is clenched? No.
Well, then, how can you tell? You just said, "Now I'm mad.
" Yeah, well, now I'm really mad.
Yeah, I can tell.
How? I'll tell you something.
This is war.
This is total war.
No prisoners, no truce, no amnesty, no nothing.
Only one of us is going to walk out of there standing.
Well, what are you going to do, Sam? Well, for one, to really mess him up, we're going to have to infiltrate his bar.
CARLA: Yeah.
Oh, let me do it, Sam.
Please.
Let me do it.
You know, I've taken a lot of makeup classes.
I can I can put on a disguise and get in there without anyone knowing about it.
Woody, I don't think so.
Oh, come on.
Let me do it.
I feel responsible.
I'm the one who blew away the spice.
I'm the one who broke the jar.
I'm the one who broke the door in the men's room.
What? At the bus station downtown.
Come on.
Let me make it up to you.
Woody, you just you don't know what you're getting yourself into.
I mean, those guys at Gary's are vicious.
They could strip you naked, paint you red and put you on a subway.
They wouldn't do that.
They did it to me.
But I got the best of 'em.
How's that? I loved it.
Wait a minute, Woody, come here, come here.
Woody, Woody, Woody, I've got a plan.
Listen up.
Shh! Gary had a camera in here the other day.
He could have a spy in here now.
And the whole place could be bugged.
Come on, you guys.
Whoa, whoa.
Don't take off in a clump like that.
It'll look suspicious.
Everybody split up.
We'll hook up outside.
No, no, no! You're clumping up again.
Spread out.
No, you're clumping up again.
Cliffie, you got the time, pal? Right, time check.
Agent Hoosier is overdue.
Abort Operation Red Dawn.
Cliff What in God's name are you talking about? Spy lingo, Norm.
Woody's not back from Gary's yet.
It's time to mobilize our forces.
Let's go.
I'm just the man for it.
Actually, I considered a career as a spy when I was young, but in the end, I decided not to go into intelligence.
That seems only fair.
None of it went into you.
Hey, guys, guys, guys.
What's the big rush here? Give him a chance.
He's only about five minutes late.
Actually, I think we might be underestimating Woody.
You know, something tells me he might actually pull this thing off.
Hey! Hey! Wait, there's a note.
What's it say? ( moaning ) "Compliments of Gary's.
We deliver.
" ( muffled speaking ) What? What are you trying to say? He's trying to say something.
What are you? Don't rip off the tape! ( screams ): Ahh! That's it, Cornmeal.
You blew it.
I'm telling you, I was doing fine.
I borrowed this great costume from my theater group.
I really looked like a nun.
I went in there Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You dressed up as a nun and went into a bar? Well, it was either that or one of the von Trapp children.
This is the stupidest thing I have ever heard of.
Hey, I don't see anybody else volunteering to go over there and get roughed up and hung by their heels.
I did it 'cause I was trying to help.
Okay, you were trying to help.
Why'd you have to be so stupid about it? And that's another thing.
I'm sick and tired of hearing that word.
Stupid, stupid, stupid.
If I hear that word one more time, I'm walking out of here and never coming back.
Oh, come on, man.
That's stupid.
That's it, I quit.
Cool down.
No, no, I'm serious.
I've had it with this place.
I'm not appreciated here anymore.
Oh, Woody, come on, man.
That's not true.
Leave me alone! ( chuckling ) Well, look who's back.
Sister Mary Woody.
( laughing ) I'm looking for a job.
Oh, right.
I heard you quit Cheers.
I'm never going back into Cheers again.
Well, except to get my last check and, uh, the only key to my apartment.
So where'd you stay last night? Well, I just walked around.
Down to the Commons, over to the river, across the river to Cambridge, back over the river, took a right at the Prudential building, stopped at a newsstand, thought about buying a paper, didn't Okay, okay, okay.
I get it.
So you're coming to me for a job? I don't owe Cheers diddly.
Well, you're a darned good barkeep.
And I could use an extra hand.
There's always an upsurge of business every year after I win the Bloody Mary contest.
Why not? Grab an apron in the back.
Oh, gee, you won't regret this.
Wait till I tell my mom I'm working for that weasel Gary.
Are you crazy? He's the enemy.
No, I think he's okay.
I was in Cheers when he quit.
It was real ugly.
I don't know.
Uh, you think we can trust him? Gary? Well Yeah? I found a nickel in the pocket of this apron.
You know who it belongs to or should I put up a flyer? I think we can trust him.
Afternoon, everybody.
Hey, hey, Gary.
Well, this is it! The day of the big contest.
Hey, Woody, come here.
Yes, sir.
Woody, I'm gonna be honest with you.
I had my doubts about you having worked at Cheers and all, but after the way you've worked out here this last week you're really one of us now.
Thank you.
By the way, here.
What is it? It came for you a few days ago.
I forgot to give it to you.
"This is to inform you that the contest has been moved up two hours to 12:00 noon.
" You forgot to give this to me? Is it important? Oh, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Damn it, boy.
You and Malone set me up.
You knew about this time change two days ago.
Well, don't just stand there like a bump on a log.
Say something.
Got you, Gar.
( clicks tongue ) That means the contest started five minutes ago.
Gee, boss, I don't think you're gonna make it.
I think you're gonna lose.
I think you're gonna fall flat on your face.
I think I'm gonna be hanging upside down again.
Get him! Come on.
Get him! Well, I wish I could give all of you an award, but there can only be one winner Surprise, Malone.
I made it.
Hey.
No, he's disqualified.
He's late.
( booing ) You were late, man.
I didn't get the message about the time change.
They tried to keep me away, but it didn't work.
Yeah, right! It didn't work.
That's a lie and you should be disqualified for making a slanderous remark and for wearing that shirt with those pants.
( laughing ) There's still time for another entry.
All right! ( cackles ) Here.
Try a real Bloody Mary.
Hands down, the winner.
( cheering ) All right! Olde Towne Tavern! Olde Towne Tavern! Olde Towne Tavern! Olde Towne Tavern! Hey! Hey, hey, Sam here's a little bit of advice for you: give up while you got a shred of dignity left.
Oops, too late.
( giggles ) All clear? All clear.
( cheering ) Oh, my man Woody! That's good, man.
Take that makeup off.
( cheering ) Well, now just a minute.
That's Woody? My God.
This is amazing makeup.
This is just incredible.
This was part of some elaborate ruse, huh? Yeah, we set the whole thing up.
Yeah, that way we can get Gary out of here before the real contest starts.
And when you made such a fool of yourself pretending to be a nun? That was part of the plan.
When you went to work for Gary? Part of the plan.
When you told Gary the time of the contest had changed? All part of the plan.
Hey, guys I'm ready for the real contest.
Not part of the plan.
And the winner of Boston's annual Bloody Mary contest is Gary's Olde Towne Tavern! Yeah! ( groans ) Where have I heard that before? You know, Sam, that was a stroke of genius having Li'l Abner there playing the judge.
And I got to admit I fell for it until I got within about 20 feet.
Very funny.
You know, we're gonna get you next year, Gary, and it's not going to be very pretty.
Oh, yeah? Yeah.
Oh, yeah? Yeah.
Don't try to outfox me because you can't.
Every time you think you got me fooled, I'm one step ahead of you.
But I got to admit, this time you came that close.
( laughs ) Very funny.
Very funny.
I can't believe he did it again.
Uh, 45 50.
Carla, what are you doing? I mean, you usually pay off a judge after you win a contest.
If the contest that had just happened were the real contest-- which it wasn't-- and if this guy were the real judge, which he's not.
You follow any of that? This is my next- door neighbor.
The real judge is some old lady from Cambridge.
Thanks for helping out, Larry.
Any time, Carla.
Wait a minute.
If this wasn't the real contest, when is the real contest? In about a half an hour.
Are you telling me we still have a chance to win this thing? We sure do! Carla! Carla! Carla! Carla! Carla! Carla! Carla! Carla! Carla How long have you had this planned? Since about a minute after we lost last year's contest.
This is unbelievable.
What?! That I could come up with a great plan? No, that you'd pay this guy money out of your own pocket.
Get real.
I lifted Gary's wallet when he was leaving the bar.
Thank God you are on our side.
And from here on in, whether we win or lose, what's really important to remember-- and I'm saying this in the spirit of true sportsmen everywhere-- is Gary won't win! Yeah! Gary won't win! Gary won't win! Gary won't win! Hey, guys I am on to you.
Oh, man, I give up.
Now hand over my wallet.
Your what? Come on.
Somebody took my wallet.
Yeah, someone handed it in.
You must've dropped it when you were leaving the bar.
Yeah, yeah.
Thanks.
So long, chumps.
( chuckles ) ( whispers ): Gary won't win.
( whispering ): Gary won't win.
Gary won't win.