Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - Please Mr. Postman

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Excuse me, can I have your attention please? It is my pleasure, once again, to present the Cheers Employee of the Month Award.
And I am delighted to present it to our very own, Sam Malone.
Congratulations.
Bravo! Whoa, whoa, whoa.
I told you before I don't want that thing.
And don't put my picture on the wall, either.
I hate that stuff.
Oh, great speech, Sammy.
Fine.
Carla, you haven't been offensive this month, why don't you take it? Get that thing away from me.
Woody? Congratulations, you're the Employee of the Month.
Wow, four months in a row! I wasn't really expecting this great honor.
I'm deeply moved.
You know, it takes more than one person to win this award.
It takes teamwork.
I would like to thank my ( piano plays ) Making your way in the world today Takes everything you've got Taking a break from all your worries Sure would help a lot Wouldn't you like to get away? Sometimes you want to go Where everybody knows your name And they're always glad you came You want to be where you can see Our troubles are all the same You want to be where everybody knows your name You want to go where people know People are all the same You want to go where everybody knows your name.
Hey, you know, same to ya! That's it, I've had it.
I'm finished.
I've been embarrassed for the last time.
What? I just came on to Rebecca for the I-don't-know- how-manyth time.
Thank you, Carla.
And she shot me down once again.
Well, you know, that's it.
That's the last time I'm gonna do that.
I'm gonna get my self respect back starting right now.
Whoo! Feels damn good, I'll tell you.
You know, Sam, there's one way to get Rebecca that you've overlooked.
Hold that self-respect thought.
What do you got? You see, it's been psychologically documented that all human animals have a neurotic hair-trigger response to at least one of the five sensory stimuli.
It could be anything, actually.
Oh, it's the sound of the surf pounding against the shore, the smell of honeysuckle on a warm summer night, the taste of a vintage Chateauneuf du Pape, fire-red fingernails dancing through your chest hair a black lace teddy straining against its fleshy cargo.
Frasier, man, snap out of it.
In a minute, Sam.
Boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.
Some mornings you get up, you look at yourself in the mirror and you've got to ask, "Why me?" Cliffie, it's just a haircut.
It'll grow back.
Nah, I'm over that, Normie.
I got saddled with a job of breaking in a new postal employee.
Yeah, so I told the supervisor to send the greenhorn down here and I could size him up.
Boy, they made you a trainer, huh? Well, that sounds like a compliment to me, Cliff.
You really are a civilian, aren't you, Sammy? It's a nightmare.
Those rookies, yeah, they just get in your way, ask you stupid questions, throw off your whole rhythm.
Oh, God, this won't slow down the mail, will it? Uh-oh, Cliff, greenhorn alert.
Excuse me, Cliff Clavin? I am.
I'm your trainee, Margaret O'Keefe.
Straighten up, O'Keefe.
You're in uniform.
I wasn't informed you were a woman.
Sorry, sir.
Well, no offense, sister, but I just don't believe that women belong in the trenches.
I mean, they're fine for sorting mail or selling stamps, but when you're lugging a 40-pound sack up a hill with a Nor'easter hitting you right smack in the kisser, you don't have time to fret about going home and soaking your delicates.
I wear cotton briefs, sir.
That'll be enough of that, O'Keefe.
Permission to speak freely, sir? Permission granted.
I requested you as my trainer because I want to learn hard and I want to learn right.
I want to be the best carrier in the department, next to you, of course.
Because I love the post office more than my life itself.
Good grief, there's another one.
The post office is in my blood; my father was a carrier, and his father before him.
It's been a life-long dream of mine to wear the eagle on my sleeve and to be a part of the few, the proud The undateable.
Oh, your attitude is commendable there, O'Keefe.
Look, I think you better mosey on home now and grab some shuteye.
You're going to need plenty of sleep.
Tomorrow is TV Guide day.
I'll do you proud, sir.
Yeah, we'll see about that.
Is it my imagination, or was that woman coming on to me? Cliffie, Walt Disney should have had your imagination.
Say, hi, honey.
Um, Fras and I were just talking about how sorry we feel about you.
Why is that, Sam? Well, it's just that you're always stuck in your office, you know, worrying about losses and profits and career moves, while we're out here having fascinating, fun-filled conversations about things like, well, like sexual stimuluses.
By the way, do you have, do you have one of those? Well, I am driven to a sexual frenzy by people who mind their own business.
No, no, really, listen.
You know, it's not like I'm going to do anything with it or anything.
Okay, I'll be honest with you.
I do have one and I'll give you a hint.
A hint? Great, why? Because you'll never get it.
And I mean that in every sense of the word.
It's a song.
That's it? It's a song? Mm-hmm.
One little tiny song that turned my knees to butter when I was a teenager and still does.
Good luck, Sam.
The clock is ticking.
Name that tune.
This is great; a song.
Man, you were right, Frasier.
Thank you.
Wow, what luck, huh? I mean, how many songs can there be? I've been going over the books, Norm, and I think it's time to pay your tab.
Oh, gee, thanks, Rebecca.
I mean, it's time for you to pay your tab.
Me? I paid it last month.
Okay, okay, fine.
Blue on blue hea No.
Cherish is the word that I No.
In-a-gadda-da-vida, baby Right, Sam, I was insane.
I'll find it.
Sam, why don't you try "Che Gelida Manina" from La Boheme? It can be almost achingly poignant when executed correctly and it does turn Lilith into a cheap tramp.
Sammy, Sammy, Sammy, aren't you overlooking the obvious here? Yeah? What's that? "Ballad of The Green Berets.
" Oh, that's a great song.
Fighting soldiers from the sky.
Anybody who isn't totally moved by that song is somebody I don't want to know.
Cliff, in honor of that song, why don't you put on a little green beret, go outside and sit on a land mine? Oh, there you are, Cliff.
Ooh, it's Cliff now, eh? Training must be going very well.
She's a natural.
I'm really sorry about today.
I can't believe I missed that entire apartment building.
Ah, the tradition continues.
Listen, Margaret, why don't we sit down over here away from those who merely wait for the mail? There you go.
Park it right there.
I just want to tell you, Cliff, that I couldn't have made it through training without you.
You'll be graduating with honors.
Really? Well, how could you not, with the recommendation I gave you? Oh, Cliff, thank you, thank you.
Thank you.
In honor of your achievement, I, uh, went out and got you a little gift.
Thank you.
You really shouldn't have.
Arch supports.
Yeah, yeah.
I got you the large size, too.
I noticed you've got a pretty hefty pair of dogs down there.
Cliff, you are so considerate.
What we've been through together has been so special.
Yeah.
I wish there was a way I could be closer to you.
Ah, scootch on over.
No, I didn't Oh, never mind.
This is so embarrassing.
I'm not good at this.
I mean, why would a man like you even consider someone like me? What? What in God's name are you trying to say here? Cliff, do you find me attractive? I mean, physically? Cliff, do you want to be with me? I want to be with you.
So it's a date.
I'll come over to your place tomorrow night.
My place? No.
hey, Margaret, Margaret, whoa, hold on there.
Listen, uh, last month my mother came out and stayed a while, and she got to know the neighbors real well, and I don't want word getting back to her that her son does bad things.
Then, uh, why don't we meet at that little motel just outside Zone 27? Tomorrow night after work? Yeah, I guess I could make it.
( knocking ) Hi, Cliff.
Hi, Margaret.
Come on in.
I, uh, hope you like the room.
It's it's got a view.
Oh, the ice machine.
It's just like you to think of everything.
So So.
So, uh, let me grab your jacket there.
( chuckles ) Cliff, I know this is an awkward moment.
Couldn't we just somehow get past it? I'm for that.
( shrieks ) Oh, Maggie! Maggie! Maggie! Oh, Cliff! ( knocking ) Oh, Maggie! Yes? MAN: It's the police! My first time and I get arrested.
We aren't doing anything illegal.
Answer the door.
( both chuckling ) Yes, officer? Excuse me.
We're questioning all the guests.
Do you know anything about this postal vehicle parked outside? It was reported stolen.
I, uh, no, I don't know anything about it, Officer.
Sorry to bother you.
Yeah, not at all, sir.
What, are you crazy? You, you drove a postal vehicle to a sleazy motel?! I was running late, and I didn't want to keep you waiting.
Keep me waiting? Well, for crying out loud, Margaret.
You signed that vehicle out in your own name.
Oh, boy.
You've had it now.
You've had it.
Oh, they're gonna drum you right out of the service.
Well, Cliff, you've got to help me.
You've got to make up a story to cover for me.
You want me to lie? You want me to jeopardize my career? This is my life.
This is my dream.
This is my shoulder.
This is our story.
Hello, Mrs.
Howe? Um, I work with your daughter.
My name is Sam Malone.
See, I'm calling to find out what Rebecca's favorite song was when she was in school.
We're throwing this little party for her.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh, well, thank you.
Yes, I do.
Thank you very much.
Bye-bye.
"You've Lost That Loving Feeling.
" Oh, no, Sam, I'm just a little tired.
No, Woody, no.
That's Rebecca's song.
Hold the bar down here for a minute, will ya? I got to get something out of my car.
Hey, Sammy.
Woody, a bottle of bubbly, tout de suite.
All right, Cliffie's in a celebrating mood.
That hearing must have gone pretty well, huh? Perfect, Norm.
Margaret was completely exonerated.
You really snowed 'em, huh? Like a blizzard in Buffalo, my friend.
Yeah, I told the supervisor that we were set upon by some armed thugs who then commandeered the vehicle and took it for a joyride.
A joyride in a mail truck? Cliffie, I've beaten those things on foot.
Clavin, what's come over you? I mean you're lying to your superiors, you're breaking rules, you're covering up.
It's almost like you're developing a personality.
Well, Carla, the King of England abdicated his throne for the love of a good woman.
The least I could do is tell a little fib.
Well, as we say down at the post office, here's looking up your address.
Come on, Maggie, bottoms up.
I can't, Cliff.
Why? How can we celebrate? We dishonored the uniform.
I don't feel worthy to wear it.
Yeah, I understand.
Look, uh why don't we go back to that motel, lie down and talk about it, huh? No, Cliff.
Do you think I fell for you because you're a handsome, sexy man? I fell for you because you're handsome inside.
But now, even though I'm the one that corrupted you, you are corrupt.
We're both dirty inside.
Well, let's go back to the motel, they cater to people like us.
No, I can't be with you anymore.
I don't feel what I felt before.
I'm sorry.
Well, uh, is there any way we could, you know, get that feeling back? We can tell them the truth.
Oh, no, Margaret.
See, if you tell them the truth, they're gonna know that I lied.
Yes, but with your record, the worst that will happen to us, is that we'll get a slap on the wrist, and then we can get on with our lives.
You know what's going to happen, don't ya? What we did back at that motel is going to become part of the postal record.
I can live with that.
Me, too.
Do you think they'd give us a copy of that? You think they really rode the carnal carrousel? I think it's possible.
What a thought.
I know.
If you don't mind, I'd kind of like to forget it.
Hey, everybody.
This is Station WSAM.
love coming your way.
I'll be spinning the platters that matter here, and this next moldy oldie is dedicated to the one I lust.
( knocking ) REBECCA: Who is it? The Righteous Brothers.
Uh-oh.
Hello there, butter knees.
Whoa, my love My darling I've hungered for your touch A long lonely time And time ( keyboard keys clattering ) Goes by so slowly And time can do so much Are you still mine? I need your love Rebecca, this tab, look I need your love ( music stops ) So, uh, I can pay this anytime you want.
I don't know what got into me.
Please, apologize to Vera.
Are you kidding? After that, Vera should apologize to me.
Hey, Mr.
Peterson, how'd it go with Miss Howe? Much better than I expected, Woody.
A slap on the wrist she says.
With your record, all we'll get is a severe reprimand, she says.
So what happens? She gets fired and I get six weeks walking dreaded Zone 19.
Zone 19? Rottweiler Ridge, Norm.
Oh, what the heck.
At least I won back the respect of the woman I love, huh? Maggie, what are you doing here? Cliff, I've got to talk to you.
What's up? After I was fired, I wandered around aimlessly, nowhere to go and didn't know what to do.
And as I was crossing the bridge, I actually thought I'd do something desperate.
Oh, no, you don't mean Yes, UPS.
Then I thought, why should I do that? There are alternatives.
And I came up with a wonderful idea.
The Canadian Postal Service.
Canada? Geez, why would you want to go up there? The mail's the mail, Cliff.
It knows no national boundaries.
Come with me.
What? I've got two tickets, Cliff.
We could start a new life there together.
Geez, Maggie, I don't know.
Go, marry her, be happy.
Just don't have any children.
What the heck, I mean, we've come this far.
We might as well go the whole nine yards, huh? Let's go! Hold on a second.
I'll be right with you.
Normie, pal of mine, I'll be seeing ya.
It's for the best.
Cliff, did you just kiss me on the neck? I don't know what it is.
Nobody can keep their lips off me today.
Fras, take care of yourself.
Carla, I forgive you.
Sammy.
Cliff, wait a minute.
Hey, man, just think about this for a minute.
You've only known the girl for about a week.
I mean, all you've shared is one night in a motel and a huge lie.
That's enough for me, Sammy.
Cliff, why don't you consider what you'd be giving up.
Your job, your seniority, your pension.
Hey, Doc, have a gander at what I'm going to be gaining.
All right, Maggie, hitch up those huskies.
Canada, here we come.
Uh, Cliff, Cliff Wait a minute, man.
Give this some thought.
Think about what you're doing here.
I know what you guys are doing, and I appreciate it, but there's nothing you could do or say that would make me change my mind.
Fearless men who jump and die Men who mean just what they say The brave men of the Green Beret.
( all humming "Ballad of The Green Beret" ) ( humming continues ) Margaret, you're a fine woman, but I can't leave my country.
( humming continues ) My place is here, in America.
I can't leave my home.
Can't you, can't you stay here with me? I'm a mail carrier, Cliff.
I have to deliver the mail.
I understand.
( humming continues ) But Cliff, it'll be so terrible.
I'll I'll be so cold and all alone.
Who will keep me warm? You'll do fine, Margaret.
Women have that extra layer of fat.
Carry on, O'Keefe.
I'll never forget you, Cliff Clavin.
Good-bye.
100 men will test one day But only three wear the Green Beret.