Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - Golden Boyd

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
All right, here you go, Cliffie.
How about getting your mom a pair of these soothing, gel-filled insoles, and odor eliminators.
It's only her birthday, it's not Christmas.
How about one of these Lucite snack trays that plays the theme from Cats? Yeah, Valentine's Day, 1963.
Back then it played "Exodus.
" Hummingbird feeder? Come on, you guys are just being silly now, right? Well, then, Cliff, I'm afraid you're going to spend a little more than $1.
99 for your mom's gift.
Yeah, you're right, Normie.
You only turn 70 once.
Speaking as a mom, you know, when my kids give me gifts, the ones that always mean the most to me are the ones they make themselves.
For instance, look at this little key chain here.
Anthony made this for me the first year he went away to camp.
I carried it with me ever since.
I think it might be the most precious thing I own.
Well, I'll give you three bucks for it.
( piano plays ) Making your way in the world today Takes everything you've got Taking a break from all your worries Sure would help a lot Wouldn't you like to get away? Sometimes you want to go Where everybody knows your name And they're always glad you came You want to be where you can see Our troubles are all the same You want to be where everybody knows your name You want to go where people know People are all the same You want to go where everybody knows your name.
Sam, you're working a big party the 26th at Mr.
Another big party How come you always get roped into running these things? I'm not running this.
I'm just delivering the message.
Yes, I will be attending the party, but as an honored guest.
An honored guest who happens to show up a couple of hours early and leave a couple hours late.
And I will do as any other good guest will: help clean up, and maybe park a few cars.
So what's the shindig for this time? Oh, it's one of those welcome-back-from-your-fabulous all-expense-paid-trip- to-Europe, you-sniveling-snot-brat of-a-vice-president's- daughter's tennis brunch.
Gee, I've never been to one of those.
You're tending bar.
There's the address.
I'll see you at 10:00, Sunday morning.
She played right into my hands.
REBECCA: If I do say so myself, I do throw a lovely party.
Oh, Mr.
Gaines, I don't believe I've been introduced to the guest of honor, your lovely daughter.
Oh, Kelly would love to meet you.
Oh, she's busy.
Jack Daniels, neat.
SAM: Coming right up, sir.
Say, aren't you Sam Malone? Didn't you used to be a pitcher? Yep, that's me.
Now you're doing this? Well, nothing wrong with tending bar.
It's good, honest work.
Uh, here's a little something for you.
Those rich snobs, man.
They think they can look down their noses at you, and then make everything better by slipping you a measly Two white wines, please.
Yes, sir.
Coming right up here.
You know, Woody, I tell ya, it's a long way from pitching in the major leagues to slinging drinks.
What am I gonna do, you know? I mean, life's dealt me this lousy hand.
I guess I'm just gonna have to play it out, huh? I'm sorry, sir.
Uh, there are your drinks.
Thank you.
Oh, bless you.
I'm definitely on to something here.
Excuse me, bartender.
A little more champagne.
Maybe I'll get a tip, too, Sam.
Listen, this whining for dollars routine is mine.
Anyway, I'll be summering in D.
, God help me.
Dad's favoring me with the option of going up on the Hill to page or being a clerk.
So what do you think? Oh, uh, excuse me for interrupting, but I'd go with the clerk job.
I had a blast the summer I clerked at the Piggly Wiggly.
Uh I'm sure you did, but I was talking about being a legal clerk.
Oh, this was all in the up and up.
Are you always this obtuse? The cummerbund makes my waist look thick.
Yeah yeah, thick.
That's the word I was searching for.
Write it on your hand.
You'll never forget it.
He's very funny.
Well, here's to you, Malone.
And, uh, I wish you lots of luck on that triple bypass.
Thank you.
Bless your heart.
You having a heart problem, Sam? Yeah, it feels like there's something pressing on it.
Maybe like all this cash.
( speaking quietly ) Excuse me, uh, bartender.
Can I give you a little tip? Looking good, Sam.
For the rest of the afternoon, just keep your mouth shut.
Excuse me? You're here to work, not to chitchat with the guests.
You think just because you're rich you can boss people around? We've got guys like you back in Hanover.
You know what we call them? What? "Sir.
" But after we say it, we roll our eyes.
You know, kid, you're really starting to annoy me.
I think I'm going to teach you some manners.
Step outside.
Uh, uh, I'm sorry, all right? I was out of line.
I don't want to fight.
Oh, you're not as stupid as you look.
Now I want to fight.
Whoa, whoa, what's going on here, man? This guy just said I wasn't as stupid as I look, Sam.
Whoa, whoa, come here.
Listen, whoa, whoa, stop.
I mean it.
Really, listen, before you go out there, let me just say a couple of things here.
Now I've been a bartender for quite a few years and I've broken up a lot of fights in my day.
And I'll tell you no matter who's involved, whether they're rich guys or poor guys, tall guys or short guys, fat guys, skinny guys, guys with speech impediments What's your point? Well, the point is, that usually by this point in the story, the guys would forget what they're angry about and they'd kind of wander away.
Yeah, well, I, I, uh I guess this isn't the right time or place.
Yeah, you're right.
All right, there you go.
Very good, very good.
Now why don't you just go back to the bar here, Woody.
Will you tell me the rest of the story later, Sam? Well, maybe we'll, uh we'll meet again, when your daddy isn't around.
I don't need him to protect me.
I'll meet you anywhere, anytime.
You can find me at Cheers.
I'll see you there tomorrow.
I'll be there with bells on.
That's just an expression.
Excuse me, please.
Excuse me.
Yeah? Sam, I heard what you've been doing.
Going around giving everyone a hard luck story, so they give you big tips.
I find that completely unprofessional, and I will not condone it.
I'm going to dock you a day's pay.
Did you hear that? Woody, cognac for all my friends.
We're celebrating this year's recipient of the Fisk Foundation grant.
NORM: All right.
I knew you could do it, buddy.
What the hell is it? It's a very prestigious and lucrative fellowship that will enable me, finally, after all these years, to complete my treatise.
"Man's need to work, the never-ending drive.
To build, create and achieve.
" Yeah, must feel pretty good.
Oh, you bet.
If I can cop one more fat grant, it's loaf city.
The only thing missing now is a fine cigar.
Well, allow me.
Carla, three of your finest Tampas, please.
You got it, gentlemen.
Look at these beauties.
That'll be 45 cents.
Carla, we asked for a cigar, not this flammable bratwurst.
Come on, Fras, these are pretty tasty.
Yeah, and they outlast the others by what, a good, eight or nine hours.
Cliffie, make a smoke ring go around my head the way you do.
Okay, Boyd, I'm here.
Yeah, so am I.
Course, I'm always here, so it's no big deal.
You know, I wouldn't feel right beating you senseless, unless I warn you in advance, I was on the boxing team at Princeton.
Yeah? Well, while you're beating me senseless, keep this in mind: I was first alternate on the Hanover High Boxing Squad.
What is that supposed to mean? It means if anybody got sick or hurt, I'd be the one No! I mean, is that supposed to make you a tough guy? Tough enough.
Yeah, well, proof is in the pudding.
All right, that does it.
Nobody says that to me.
Who wants to see a rich boy get his butt whupped? ( crowd clamoring ) CROWD ( chanting ): Woody! Woody! Woody! Wait a minute, wait a minute! I can't leave here.
Look, if you're gonna fight, go fight in the back.
But remember, you gotta bus your own blood.
Let's go.
( chanting ): Woody, Woody, Woody, Woody, Woody, Woody, Woody ( blow lands, body thuds ) Rich guy! Rich guy! Rich guy! Rich guy! Ugh, did I get struck by lightning? No, Woody.
Oh, right, I guess that only happens once in your life.
He's okay.
Gee, I hate for you guys to see me like this, all dopey and muddle-headed.
Yeah, we barely recognize you.
We Boyds don't appreciate having our faces caved in.
SAM: Yeah? I'm gonna get that guy.
Calm down, Woody.
Isn't it enough that you left little bits of face in his pinkie ring? ( Cliff laughing ) And your nose really messed up his shoeshine when you fell.
I'm gonna get that guy.
I'm gonna get him good.
Oh, come on, Woody.
What do you how can you get him, man? He's rich, he's smart, he's in good shape, he's tough; hangs out with a better class of people Hey! Hey! You know what I'm talking about, guys.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Hey! Hey! How can I get that guy? He must have some weak spot.
Oh, hi.
I hope I'm not too late.
I heard my boyfriend was coming here to fight that nice bartender.
Fight?! I've had sneezes that lasted longer.
Oh, I am so sorry Nash did this.
He has such a ridiculous temper.
If there's anything I can do, please, don't hesitate to ask.
Are your hands just naturally this soft, or you use a special lotion? Lotion, but you can't buy it in the States.
Smells good, too.
No, it's fragrance free.
You smell my hair.
I rinse it in an essence of Belgian wild flowers.
They make a boy's version? I'll have my personal shopper check and send you a case.
I feel just terrible about what Nash did.
It'd be a shame if you got a scar on that cute face.
I'll be okay.
Now, how could I get that Nash guy? Woody? Woody, I think it's kind of obvious, if you know what I mean.
Beat up his girlfriend? I don't think you could.
Come on.
Now think with me here.
Now, have you met anybody recently, kind of cute, you know? Somebody who smells good and has hair down to here? I'm interested in what you're saying, Sam, but I just had a thought.
If I went out with that girl, I could make Nash real jealous.
( all chanting ): Woody! Woody! Woody I'm back! Woody! Woody! Woody This has been a fabulous day.
As I walked through the halls of headquarters, I received nothing but kudos for my fantastic party yesterday.
Gaines said I displayed leadership, imagination and class.
I am it.
That's great, Miss Howe.
Listen, do you think it'd be okay if I took an hour off? Of course, Woody, take two.
You deserve it.
Oh, great.
I'm going to go ask your boss for permission to date his daughter, okay? Okay.
No! And so, Mr.
Gaines, please allow me to stress again, in the strongest way possible, that my being here in no way reflects upon Miss Rebecca Howe or her chance for advancement in your corporation.
I'll take that under advisement.
Now, if you'll please get on with your business? Yes, sir.
My business is that I'd like permission to date your daughter Kelly.
I think you'll find that I'm generous, hardworking, friendly, cheerful, and honest.
Oh, yeah, and I'm funny, too.
Well presented, young man.
And a charming, old-fashioned gesture, besides.
Ready to hit the links, Walter? In a minute, Nash.
Anyway, as you can see, your visit has been in vain, Mr.
My daughter Kelly has been dating young Nash here for some years now.
Well, Boyd, how's that chin healing? Never mind my chin, how's your ring? Nash, it seems Mr.
Boyd here has his eye on Kelly.
Oh, what a coincidence.
Only yesterday, he had his eye on my Topsiders.
Come on, son.
We're on the tee in ten minutes.
That sounds good, but I have to warn you, I've never played before.
He's talking to me, Gomer.
You'll show yourself out? Well, you better get going, Boyd.
You're going to be late for that bus.
A lot you know.
It doesn't come around for another 15 minutes.
GAINES: Nash? Let's do it! I'll see you later, Kelly.
Got to go let your dad beat me at golf again.
Well, I better be going, too.
Wait a minute.
I heard your dad's answer and I heard Nash's answer, but I still haven't heard your answer yet.
Oh, gosh, Woody, I couldn't.
I understand.
Wait a minute.
Why not? I'm not Nash's property, and I just hate it when he always assumes that I am.
Well, beans, this'll show him! Aw, that's great.
That is terrific.
All right.
I'll pick you up tomorrow at 8:00, okay? Now, I promise you you're going to have the best time possible.
You may think from looking at me, that I'm an unsophisticated guy who doesn't know his way around, but you're going to find out I do, okay? I'll see ya.
Woody? Yes? Do you know you're in a closet? Yeah, but I thought it might be more sophisticated just to lay low and then sneak out after everyone went to bed.
Good night.
Good night.
Sam, has Woody come back from his date yet? Uh-uh.
I changed his schedule around so he can all of his evenings off so he can continue to date that lovely young woman.
Wait a minute, now you want him to date? I mean, what happened to the Attack of the Screaming Boss Lady from Hell? Now I will admit that I didn't want him to ask her out originally, but let's face it-- he's on a date with her.
And the more they date, the more of a chance he has to become the boss's son-in-law.
And boss's sons-in-law become VP's and in the corporate world, it always helps to have a VP in your corner.
That's disgusting.
Sam, I don't make up the rules.
I just follow them.
Thanks again for a wonderful evening, Woody.
You introduced me to a whole new world.
Yeah, it's hard to believe a girl like you has never been to a monster truck and tractor pull before.
Oh, Woody! On the first date! How you going to top that, buddy? Well, there's no need to top it.
It's a one-shot deal.
Wh-What do you mean? What? I mean, the only reason she went out with me was to make a point with her boyfriend.
Wait, wait, wait, how do you know that? 'Cause she told me.
I mean, it only seems fair.
The only reason I went out with her was to get revenge at her boyfriend.
At least that's what I told her.
NORM: Woody, that is beautiful.
That's the kind of honesty that's going to keep you out of marriage.
Your dad said I might find you here.
Nash, I know what you're going to say, and I don't want to hear it.
I'm tired of being treated like chattel.
Excuse me, I think that's pronounced cattle.
You know, when I heard what you were up to, I got really mad.
Then I, well, I realized, you couldn't possibly be doing this for your own enjoyment, so you must be doing it to prove a point to me.
And I have to say, point well taken.
This has been a humbling experience for me.
Nothing personal.
That's okay, I didn't understand it.
Anyway, from now on, new Nash.
Just hope you'll give me another chance.
Well, okay.
Hey, let's go.
Maybe we can catch a late supper at Guiseppi's.
I don't know.
Are we finished with our date, Woody? Yeah, okay, I guess it's over if you want.
Well, thanks again for a fun evening.
Kelly? What? Nothing.
Do you have something you want to say to me, Woody? No.
I had a great time.
It was nice meeting you.
I was really happy to get to know you.
I guess I did have something to say to you.
So, I guess we should be leaving.
Yeah, I guess I should be getting back to work.
Well, have fun working.
Yeah, have fun leaving.
Woody, come on, man.
Go get her.
I can't, Sam.
What could I possibly say to her? Just say, "I like you.
Will you go out with me again?" Oh, right, just like that.
And she's going to dump her rich boyfriend who she's been seeing for all these years, for poor, old, nobody Woody.
I'm afraid the real world doesn't work like that, Sam; trust me.
No, Woody, come on.
Hey, listen, just do me a favor: Go get her.
Now, if it doesn't work out, I'll buy you dinner.
If it does, you owe me.
Just go out there.
Say, "I like you, will you go out with me again?" Come on, before it's too late, go get her.
I'll give it a try, Sam.
Excuse me.
Kelly, uh I like you.
Will you go out with me again? Sure.
Oh, great, great.
Well, we can't do it tonight.
I've got to take Sam out.
Oh, no, no.
It's okay, we can go out now.
Uh, yeah, I have a standing reservation at Pizza by the Yard.
Oh, wait a minute.
What about Nash? Well, I was getting in the car with him when I realized Woody, I have a lot more fun with you.
Ah, yeah, I know what you mean.
I didn't have much fun with Nash, either.
Hey, Miss Howe? Can I leave now? Take Kelly out? I promise I'll work a double next week.
Oh, don't worry about it.
Go, go ahead.
Have a good time.
And if you want to stay out real late and get married, then come in anytime tomorrow.
You're the greatest, Miss Howe.
WOODY: Okay, let's hurry.
If we get there by 6:00, we can sit at the Pac-Man table.
What's a Pac-Man? Oh, Kelly, I have so much to teach you.