Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - Don't Paint Your Chickens

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Congratulate the doctor.
I'm doing a piece on the psychological ramifications of Ingmar Bergman's later works for American Film.
Oh, that's great, Fras.
I'd like to read it to you to see if it's still accessible to the layman.
May I have your opinion? Sure.
Buy a new suit, get a haircut and stay home.
Thank you, Carla.
Now, I call the piece "Ingmar Bergman: Poet of the Subconscious.
" The films of Ingmar Bergman Who could forget her in Casablanca, huh? No, no No, you're thinking of Ingrid Bergman.
I'm talking about Ingmar Bergman.
Ingmar Bergman, the boxer? No, Woody, you're thinking of Ingmar Johansson.
You mean the guy who knocked out Floyd Patterson? No, no, no-- Sonny Liston knocked out Patterson.
Well, then who knocked out Johansson? Patterson.
Before Liston? No, no, Johansson knocked out Liston.
Who knocked out Patterson? Was it Ingrid Bergman? No, Ingrid Bergman Shut up! Shut up! Not one more word.
I came in here to discuss Ingmar Bergman, not start an Abbott and Costello routine.
Actually, I thought it was more like Martin and Lewis, wasn't it? You mean Joe Louis? Oh, he's the one who knocked out Floyd Patterson.
Then who knocked out Lou Costello? Apparently, Ingrid Bergman.
Boy, she was tougher than she looked.
( piano plays ) Making your way in the world today Takes everything you've got Taking a break from all your worries Sure would help a lot Wouldn't you like to get away? Sometimes you want to go Where everybody knows your name And they're always glad you came You want to be where you can see Our troubles are all the same You want to be where everybody knows your name You want to go where people know People are all the same You want to go where everybody knows your name.
CLIFF: Where's Rebecca? I haven't seen her all day.
She's down at one of her power meetings at corporate.
Oh, yeah? Yeah, she must be really trying to impress a biggie.
She was already puckering up before she even hit the door.
CLIFF: Boy, these corporate types-- down at the post office, I kneel for nobody.
Well, we'll all bear that in mind, Cliff, whenever we desire to have a job where you have to wake up at 4:00 in the morning, walk a 15-mile route, and make a minimal base salary.
Hey, hey, hey.
It's not that easy, pal.
You got to take a test.
Oh, my God, I've died and gone to heaven.
We wish.
Shouldn't somebody alert Sammy? Ah, he knows.
He can sense these things.
I'm going to give him, three, two, one.
Where is she? He's slowing down, but he's still got it.
Hey, give me a break, will ya? There are lead pipes down there.
Interferes with the radar.
I'm Sam Malone.
Hi, I'm Erin.
Can I have an Evian, please? You bet.
Tennis player? Yeah, yeah, but, uh, I'm more into biking, running, skiing, rowing, squash.
Hey, what a coincidence! So am I.
Maybe I could join you sometime.
Nice try, but seriously, I don't think you're up to it.
( hearty laugh ) Why, just because I got a couple, five, Sweetheart, you're looking at a former professional athlete here.
Yeah, I'm sure you were.
No, I'm serious.
Listen, tell you what.
Punch me in the stomach.
If it hurts me, then I'm out of here.
If not, we got a date.
Nah Come on, come on, come on.
Give it your best shot.
Okay, okay, here goes.
Whoa, you are in good shape.
Yeah, I told you so.
All right.
Hey, this is great.
What do you say, tomorrow? Uh, cycling? Okay, it sounds like fun.
I'll meet you here at 2:00.
I'll be here, flexing.
Hey, Sam, that girl's going out with you just 'cause you let her hit you? No, she's going out with me because I'm a lean, tight specimen hunk.
( guffawing ): No, really, Sam.
Woody, I'm trying to teach you something here.
Listen, they go for it every time.
You ought to try it someday.
All right, for the sake of argument, I will.
All right, here.
Excuse me.
Would you consider going out with me? I really don't think so.
Oh, yeah? Well, what if I told you you could punch that guy right there in the stomach? ( speaking quietly ) Oh, yeah, right, Sam-- my stomach.
What do you think I am, stupid? Well, everyone, you are looking at a winner.
You were the best kisser-upper? Gee, what does that trophy look like? I did not kiss up.
I gave an interview.
I gave one hell of an interview.
I was tough, I was insightful, I was witty.
Meryl Streep will play me in the movie.
You know, I gave them a million and one ideas to promote Cheers.
My marketing major really paid off today.
They couldn't take their eyes off me.
Were you writing something down before you went in there? Yes, I jotted down a few notes.
Were you using a fountain pen? My lucky fountain pen.
Make that your leaky fountain Oh.
I don't believe this! And I thought they were really impressed with me, and they were just staring at this big, old stupid ink blot.
It's not that bad, Miss Howe.
It's kind of decorative.
It looks like, uh, a bunny.
No, no, it looks like a spider.
Or a butterfly.
It looks like my parents having a screaming argument on my third birthday when I pretended to be asleep but wasn't.
Or a butterfly.
Afternoon, everybody.
ALL: Norm! Beer, Norm? Have I gotten that predictable? Good.
Hey, weren't you supposed to have a painting job today? You're right, Cliffie, I did, but I screwed it up.
Turns out I was supposed to show up yesterday.
So they went ahead and hired somebody else.
Like they couldn't open the restaurant a damn day later.
Well, you know, you might be the world's greatest house painter-- although who would know the difference? But, you know, as a businessman, you really leave a lot to be desired, you know.
You haven't had a job in three months.
Cliff, you're absolutely right.
I could do something about that.
Or I could sit right here and feel sorry for myself and nurse this beer all day.
And since I'm already here Wait a minute.
Here we have a man who doesn't know how to promote his business.
And here we have a woman who knows everything about promotion, but has never really been given a chance.
Now, if I can turn a beer-guzzling nobody into a successful businessman, then those guys down there at corporate will see that I can do anything.
Uh, much as I love your pitch, Rebecca uh, I'm not comfortable working with friends.
Oh, forget about friends.
In the cold light of reason, consider this: Please, please, please, for Becky? Nah, nah, I'd rather work by myself.
Fine, Norm, fine.
I'll just go back to what I was doing-- going over these delinquent bar accounts.
Now there's a rather huge one in the "P" section.
Welcome to Team Peterson.
Nothing like bicycling to clean the garbage out of your system.
Coffee, Woody.
How do you want it, Sam? Uh, straight, no cream, no sugar.
Oh, what the hell-- forget the water, just give me a handful of grounds.
Hey, uh, Sammy, the old Erin machine's really tuckering you out, huh? No, no, I'm fine.
I just need a little something to pick me up here.
How about six pallbearers? You guys are just jealous because I'm toning and you're not.
I am buff.
I mean I am discovering muscles I didn't even know I had.
Oh! There's one.
That feels good, that feels good, though.
Ah! All right, I've got to go change.
I'm meeting Erin to go jogging.
What's wrong with our lives? Yeah, we have lousy jobs with poor pay, we both waste all our time sitting on our cans in this beer hall doing nothing but watching TV and gossiping like a couple of old ladies, plus everyone thinks we're dufuses.
Geez, you know, I was just going to say we could probably use a little bit more exercise, but, uh, I'll go along with what you said.
Oh, Norm, there you are.
Oh, gee, how'd you track me down? I got some terrific ideas for 4-A Painting.
That's what you're going to call the company, huh? Yeah, it's an old marketing secret.
It puts our name first in the phone book.
How come 4A? Why not 3A? Because that's the Auto Club.
Wow, they got jumper cables and they paint houses? I've got to join that club.
Woody, this is a business meeting.
Sorry! Next time, I'll wear a suit.
Anyway all right.
All successful businesses and products have logos.
Now, I have come up with the perfect, delightful, charming little character to symbolize 4-A Painting.
It's a lizard.
No, it's Carl Chameleon.
Now, like all chameleons, Carl changes colors.
And so should your house.
When you think of color change think of Carl and 4-A Painting.
That sure makes my old symbol seem like nothing.
What was your old symbol? Nothing.
All right, Norm, I gotta computerize the accounts, I've gotta get some advertising set up, and I gotta get a new phone line installed.
Whoa, wait, how much is all this gonna cost me? Minimal.
$2,000, $3,000 to begin with.
I'm beginning to think AAAA Painting is gonna cost me a-a-a-a fortune.
It's making you stutter, too.
CLIFF: Nah, nah, but, uh, seems like Rebecca is costing you more money than she's making you.
You thinking of giving her the old pink slip? I couldn't do that, Cliff.
FRASIER: Well, you know, Norm, I think we all agree that letting somebody go is the most painful, difficult task someone could undertake.
I'll do it.
Carla, this is Norm's problem.
He has to do it himself.
You're absolutely right, Frasier, and I will.
Carla, go fire Rebecca, please.
No, no, no, nope, Norm, you've got to do it yourself.
You've got to do it right away.
Otherwise, it'll just exacerbate the situation.
You can do it, man.
Be dauntless and implacable.
You're bad! Yeah! Yeah! Like I'm mean? Yeah! Yeah! Like I'm a mean machine? Yeah! Cooking! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! That's it.
All right! ( all shouting, roaring, growling ) How'd it go? Great.
Uh we found a new voice for Carl.
( growls ) ( phone ringing ) Norm, that's our phone.
That's the 4-A hotline.
This is it.
Baby, we're in business! Just where did your car break down? Well, our tow truck should be there within the next, uh, 30 to 40 minutes.
Whatever you do, don't leave.
I think I'll cruise by on the way home and yell something.
Somebody confused A-A-A-A with A-A-A.
How could that happen? ( phone ringing ) You saw our ad in the phone book first.
Could you hold just a minute? Somebody wants to paint something.
This is Norm Peterson.
( clears throat ) Can we help you? Uh-huh.
Uh-huh, yes, yes, sir.
I think, uh, I think we can handle that.
Yes, thank you very much.
And I'd like to thank you for making 4-A Painting your foray into painting.
REBECCA: Well? Well, we have a job.
Yeah! Yeah! Oh! A development company has a small apartment complex, okay? They're having a contract problem with their regular crew, so we're up.
Oh! Yeah.
It's happening.
Well, it's just a little eight-plex.
Okay? Now don't get crazy.
Norm, Ray Kroc started McDonald's with one little hamburger.
Colonel Sanders started with one little chicken.
We are on our way to the top, Mister.
How does that make you feel? Makes me feel like having a Big Mac and a bucket of wings, actually.
That's my boy.
Well, you poor working stiffs gonna hang around here and breathe this stagnant city air.
Not me, boy.
I'm I'm gonna go climb a mountain with Erin.
You want to give me a hand with this here, please, Fras? Sure, Sam.
You know, Sam, I admire you, actually.
Yeah? Most of us live such sedentary lives.
You're out there taxing your body.
It's-it's quite an inspiration.
I know, Frasier.
Make me stop.
I tell you, man.
I can't catch my breath anymore.
I mean, all my muscles are beginning to form a conspiracy to kill me because they want to get some rest.
Here, here, here.
Let's get you out of this.
Sam, if all this strenuous exercise is taxing you that much, you know, perhaps it's time to face the passing of the years and learn to deal with it.
What do you mean? Admit that I'm 30? I wouldn't suggest anything that drastic, but, uh, maybe you ought to just, you know, slow it down a bit.
Hey, Sam, you ready to go? Listen.
I ca Ooh, good one.
Uh, could you do me a favor? Sit down here, uh Listen, sweetheart.
I-I'm not gonna go, uh, climbing the mountain with you.
What's up? I guess I better be honest with you.
It's just that all this physical activity we've been engaging in, it's just too much for you.
I mean, come on, I'm a guy who likes to go, go, go.
( snaps fingers ) And, uh, sweetheart, you're just slowing me down a little bit.
I'm sorry.
Sam, I'm really kind of relieved to hear you say that.
I guess I need to go and find myself a guy who wants to just join me in a nice, hot bubble bath and lie in bed with me all evening.
See ya.
Gee, that was, uh, sort of ironic, wasn't it, Sam? I'm gonna go home and take a little nap.
Maybe ease into a bubble bath, or a wheelchair.
Life is hot and so am I.
( phone ringing ) ( makes sizzling noise ) Miss Howe, phone for you.
Should I take a message? Just do it, babe.
That's my motto.
Women on the rise make calls, they don't take calls.
Miss Howe, guess who's the new director of advertising.
Oh, God, really? That's right, Henry Weinberg.
You know him? Henry "5'3'-too-stupid- to-shake-the-dandruff- off-his-glasses" Weinberg? They didn't mention his middle name.
Well! There is some crap up with which I will not put.
Well, I guess with 4-A on the verge of making a breakthrough, this is just the kick in the pants I needed.
I am going to go up to corporate headquarters, I'm going to go to the top floor, and I am going to tell the CEO himself what I think of him and his stinky company.
NORM: Whoa, no, Rebecca, don't you think you ought to wait till we have at least two jobs? No.
I believe in you, Norm.
I believe in me.
I'm doing it, babe.
That's still my motto.
Excuse me, Sam.
( phone ringing ) Now, what is it about Rebecca's history that makes me think this is going to be bad news? Yeah.
I knew that.
Yeah, well, thanks, anyway.
Damn, damn, damn.
What's the matter, Norm? Well, that was the developer.
They signed with their painters and we're out.
CLIFF: So, uh you gonna chase Rebecca down before she quits her job? I guess I really should, huh? CLIFF: But then again, she hates her job, so, well, well, is it gonna be that bad if they can her? Maybe you're right.
I mean, what's the worst that could happen? I don't know, just find somebody else to run the bar, that's all.
Oh, my God.
My bar tab could fall into the wrong hands.
Sammy, nice socks, man.
( coughing ) My God.
Are you all right? I just ran.
Up 40 flights of stairs? God, no.
Just from the elevator.
Is this the CEO's office? Yes, but he's busy.
Well, I've got to get in there.
Well, you can't.
Well, I've got to.
I'm sorry.
( chuckles ): Right.
Lady, by the time your 80-year-old geezer security guard gets up here, I could have busted into that office, sang the entire score from Barber of Seville, and been on my merry way.
Trouble? Not if I leave this instant, no.
You tell Japan I can play hardball, too.
Just do it.
Do it.
( phone hangs up ) Hey, that's my motto.
Now, Miss Harris, I hear you're looking for a job with the company.
My name's Miss Howe and I already work for the company.
Then everything's settled, show yourself out.
But-But-But- But I had something to say.
Make it quick.
Anawalt, I have worked for this company for six years now.
For four of those, I didn't get a raise.
Now not less than 36 people have passed me on the corporate ladder.
( mechanical whirring ) Oh, my God.
What's that? Evidently, an out-of-work window washer.
Well, you have to admire his initiative.
So, you've worked here six years and you've been treated like hell.
But I've never been happier in my life.
And I'd never want anything to change.
Thank you for letting me get that off my chest.
Damn it.
I'm doing it.
Anawalt, I have something else to say, and this is it.
You wouldn't know a good marketing executive if one came up and bit you on the butt.
Now I am better and smarter than 50% of the people that work here, and if you can't see that then you are blind or a buffoon.
Take your pick.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to get back to Cheers where I am sure all my personal belongings will be waiting for me in a Hefty bag on the street.
Miss Howe.
What do you want now? You have a lot of nerve talking to me like that.
This company was built on nerve.
Not enough young people have the guts to stand up and say what they're really thinking.
I've been looking for that brave child who wouldn't be afraid to say, "The emperor has no clothes.
" He's nude, sir.
Buck naked.
You think you could handle a triple-raise in salary? Oh, yes, sir.
You think you could handle an executive position with my marketing team? Yes, sir.
Think you could start Monday? Yes, sir.
Welcome aboard.
Oh, yes, sir.
Sir, th-this is a dream come true for me.
( knocking at door ) Yes? FBI.
Anawalt, you're under arrest.
What's the charge? Insider trading.
Come on, let's go.
Take him downtown.
No! Read him his rights.
You have the right to remain silent.
Get those files.
Anything you say can and will You can't do this.
This man is innocent.
No, they have me dead to rights.
Oh Mr.
I'll wait for you, sir.
I'll be standing right here, waiting for you.
( thunder crashes ) I think I am the unluckiest person on earth.
( rain pattering )