Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - Hot Rocks

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Refill, Mr.
? Yeah.
( knuckles crack ) Eww! Knuckle cracking.
I hate that sound.
And you hurt your fingers.
CLIFF: Woodrow, knuckle cracking is relatively harmless.
Actually, when you crack your knuckles, what you're doing is really, uh, breaking a sound barrier.
Yeah, what you hear is actually a tiny finger-sized sonic boom.
Well, Cliff, you're partly right.
Really? Which part? The phenomenon of knuckle cracking is relatively harmless.
But in fact, the sound you're hearing is not a cracking at all, but rather a popping of tiny gas bubbles imploding in the sinovial fluid of the metacarpal phalangeal joint.
Makes sense.
NORM: Yeah, but knuckle-cracking doesn't make a popping sound.
A popping sound is more like this.
( popping sound ) Oh, God, I could never do that.
You know what else I could never do? I could never whistle with my fingers.
Carla can do that great.
Hey, Carla, show Woody how you whistle with two fingers.
First, you have to crack your knuckles.
( cracking sound ) Ooh, sinovial fluid imploding! I hate that sound! You'll hurt your metacarpal phalangeal joint.
( piano plays ) Sometimes you want to go Where everybody knows your name And they're always glad you came You want to be where you can see Our troubles are all the same You want to go where everybody knows your name.
Carla, can you help me with this zipper, please? Sure, boss.
You know, when you first walked in in this dress, you were like the closest thing to Cher I've ever seen.
Really? Yeah, you looked just like Sonny Bono.
Carla, I don't have time to trade insults with you.
Oh, that's okay.
You can still keep mine.
There you go.
Now, be careful when you unzip.
I think I snagged about a dozen little back hairs.
Thank you, Carla.
Big date, Rebecca, huh? Who's the lucky fella? Somebody I met at a party.
A rich doctor-- cardiologist.
Leader in his field.
You guys couldn't wipe his nose.
That shoots my plans for the evening.
Where, uh, where's he taking you? Only the society event of the season, celebrating the anniversary of the launching of Old Ironsides.
Wow, can you get Raymond Burr's autograph? Woody, this is Old Ironsides, the ship.
The USS Constitution.
I know; I was reading about it in the paper.
Raymond Burr's gonna be there.
( gasping ): Oh, God, I'm gonna be late.
Have him make it out to Woody, and make sure he signs it, Perry Mason, Ironsides, and that guy who cut up his wife in Rear Window.
Can you help me with these, please? Wow, nice earrings.
Thank you.
No, I meant Carla's.
They look like real little bananas.
Oh, thanks.
Although, yours are actually pretty nice, too.
Thank you.
Are they real? Yes, they're genuine diamonds.
No, I mean are they real little bananas.
Evening, folks.
( wolf whistle ) Thank you, Woody.
Yeah, Carla just taught me that.
You were right, Carla.
All I needed was a little more slobber on my fingers.
Sammy, all decked out, huh? Yeah, my date's gonna pick me up in a couple of minutes.
We're going to go over to that shindig they're throwing at the USS Constitution.
Oh, Sammy, how'd you wrangle a ticket to that sea-going soiree? Well, you know the event's going to be televised.
So they wanted to fill the audience with, a lot of, you know, big, local celebrities.
Yeah, one of them has to go to the bathroom, you rush down and fill in the seat.
You know, I happen to be going to that exact same event.
Perhaps when I get up to go to the powder room, you can grab my seat.
Heck, turn around.
I'll do it right now.
Come on, Rebecca.
Fess up.
We know you're just a seat filler.
I am not! I told you I was going with a cardiologist.
A very good-looking cardiologist.
Oh, yeah? As good-looking as Sammy here? Please, he's better-looking.
Oh, yeah? Well, my date's so good-looking that when the two of us walk down the street, people actually look at her.
Oh, yeah? Well, my date has saved many, many lives, and has two homes.
Yeah? Well, my date's a high-fashion model and she's known on two continents.
Oh, yeah? Which two, Sam? America and Brazil.
( phone ringing ) Hello, Cheers.
Oh, hi, Jeff.
Oh, gee, that's disappointing.
No, it's no bother, I don't mind.
Okay, bye.
SAM: Oh, dear.
Sounds like some heart specialist decided to stay home and wash his hair tonight.
He did not.
He has an emergency bypass.
Yeah, he had to bypass you.
I'm telling you the truth.
Boy, you know, it's so pathetic when you're all dolled up and no place to go, isn't it? Oh, Sam, that reminds me.
Jacqueline called.
She can't make it tonight.
You're right, Sam.
That is pathetic.
But I'm sure your date didn't have any lousy excuse like heart surgery.
As a matter of fact, she's very sick.
Sick of you.
( both screaming ) REBECCA: Well, you have a good time tonight, Sam.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Here we are, both dolled up, looking like a million bucks.
What do you say the two of us storm the old USS Constitution together, huh? I don't think so.
Oh, are you so depressed about being stood up? No.
I just don't want to go with you.
Wait a minute.
You spent all day getting dressed up and you're trying to tell me that you'd rather stay in this bar than go out with me? No, Sam, I am trying to tell you that I would rather remove my own gall bladder with an oyster fork than go out with you.
Why do you say these things to me? I mean, how come I turn you off so much? I don't know.
It's just one of those things you have to take on faith.
It's kind of like I don't know that the refrigerator light goes off for sure when I close the door.
Well, obviously you never tried closing it from the inside.
Hey, everybody.
Guess who I brought back with me? Sam, how'd you do it? The doorman at the Ritz Carlton.
CLIFF: Good Lord, that's Admiral William J.
Crowe, Jr.
Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, himself.
WOODY: Now wait a minute.
The Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff is a doorman at the Ritz Carlton? No wonder they charge you so much over there.
Woody, this really is the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
He was at the same dinner I was.
The Navy can't afford to pay the salary of a doorman, Woody.
You know that.
He recognized me from my ball-playing days.
Nobody gives up tearing home runs like Sam Malone.
I wish our missiles flew as high and as far.
Admiral William J.
Crow, Jr.
, promoted to Admiral in 1974.
In 1983 commanded U.
Pacific Command.
In 1985, appointed 11th Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
Wife, Shirley.
I'm impressed, young man.
How come you know so much about me? Simple, sir.
I'm an American.
Clifford Clavin, U.
Postal Service, sir.
Nice to know you, Mr.
Us guys in uniform got to stick together.
Yes, sir.
Were you ever in the Navy? No, sir, I wanted to be but the old asthma started kicking up, you know.
So, uh, so I joined the U.
Postal Service instead.
I figured if I couldn't serve I should at least deliver the draft notices to those who could.
Admiral, hi.
I'm Rebecca Howe.
It is truly an honor to have you in our bar.
It's an honor for me as well.
Is there anything I can do for you? Anything at all? Well, for starters, you might go out with Sam Malone.
I hate to see a man in constant pain.
Maybe you could ask me to do something more enjoyable.
Like, say, a commando mission in Libya? I tried, Sam.
Hey, Ad, park it.
I'm Carla Tortelli LeBec.
Hello, Carla.
I was wondering if I could ask you a favor.
If you're ever on the USS Lexington, could you find out why nobody has ever called or dropped a note or sent a card? That must be a hell of a ship.
I've had better.
Oh, well, well, well.
What do we have here? The Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
Hello there, sir.
I'm Dr.
Frasier Crane.
Hello, Doctor.
This is my number.
I have treated Napoleon, Teddy Roosevelt, and I know I could help you.
Doctor, I really am the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
Aye, aye, Admiral.
But I'll keep your card.
I know a lot of people in the Pentagon that could use your services.
Hey, Admiral, thanks.
These are great hats.
Hats don't win wars; ideas do.
Now sir, here's what separates my submarine concept from everybody else's.
You see, mine's got wheels.
Uh, I understand, Cliff.
It's getting late.
Sam, thanks for the autographed baseball.
Oh, yeah, listen.
If the President wants one of those, he knows where to get me.
I'm sure you'll be hearing from him.
Norm Later.
Uh, sir, these plans I've drawn up for the new assault vehicle, where should I send them? Just send them to the Pentagon, Cliff.
Yes, sir.
Sir, I'm a little bit worried about that, though.
If I send them to the Pentagon, they might get lost.
Very definitely send them to the Pentagon.
Yes, sir.
Am I lucky or what? One of the most famous people in the country comes into my bar, and I am dressed for it.
By the way, Rebecca, when are you going to take that thing off? Oh, I might just dress this way all the time.
It makes me feel all at once desirable and businesslike.
You got a point.
About a half dozen guys asked me how much you charge.
By the way, if anyone says "Carla sent me," you owe me five bucks.
Carla, I'm just about to have a break.
You think you can teach me to make raspberry sounds with my armpit? No, no, I've got to be wearing a tank top to get the full effect.
But you know, I can teach you how to make blue sparks in your mouth with a Lifesaver candy.
They're gone! Who's gone? My diamond earrings.
They're gone.
Calm down.
Where'd you put them? I had them in a tumbler, and I put it on my desk, and nobody was in there but me.
And my door was locked the whole time and I was the only one that was in there.
No, no, the Admiral went in there to use the phone.
You're right.
He was in there alone.
Oh, Lord.
The Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff of the United States of America, stole my earrings! Oh! I just don't believe this! And he seemed like such a nice Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
Rebecca Howe, this smacks of treason.
I've got a good mind to place you under arrest.
Cliff, if you had a good mind, you would still be stupid.
SAM: Hey, come on.
Why would anyone who has a super job, makes a great living, and can shop at any PX in the world, want to steal your earrings? You saw them.
They were gorgeous.
CLIFF: All right, that's it.
Rebecca Howe, I would like your social security number.
Oh, Cliff, shut up.
NORM: All right, wait, wait.
Maybe he did take them.
Oh, great.
Seditionists everywhere.
No, no.
Maybe the guy had an anniversary coming up, and he didn't have time to shop because he's too damn busy running the military.
No, no.
That doesn't wash, Norm.
His anniversary was February 14th.
All right, Cliff.
All right.
Maybe this, okay? Maybe he wears them himself.
Yeah, right.
He wears earrings and I wear women's lingerie.
Carla, you were right.
REBECCA: I don't care why he did it.
The fact is that my earrings are gone, and the admiral took them.
Oh, come on.
This is silly.
Let's just go in your office here and look for them.
I have looked for them.
I told you, they're not in there! I'm calling the police.
Oh, don't do that.
Well, now that we're through being interrupted, let's get down to real serious matters.
Carla, you can't make blue sparks come out of your mouth with a Lifesaver.
Well, not just any Lifesaver.
A magic Wint-o-green Lifesaver.
Oh, now, Carla, don't prey on their gullibility.
There's nothing magical about it.
It's just a simple chemical reaction.
When you crunch down on a Lifesaver, electrons strike nitrogen molecules, which causes the latter to emit an invisible ultraviolet radiation which, when absorbed by the methyl salicilate in the Wintergreen flavoring, produces a flash of blue light.
Makes sense.
I find that when you say that to Dr.
Crane, he stops talking.
See? They're not here.
I told you, they are no here! Calm down.
Will you calm down, please? I'm calm, I'm calm, I'm calm! What's the number for 911? You are not going to call the police.
Sam, I have told you to remove your hand from many a location, but I have never been more serious than now.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Come on.
Back off here.
They're earrings.
You'll buy another pair.
Oh, yeah.
Right! What are you going to do? Spot me $32,000? American money? I didn't exactly buy those earrings.
I told the man at Shreve, Crump & Lowe that I just wanted to take them out for the evening to make sure that I really, really wanted them.
I don't think that dress is meant to do that.
And then I was going to just wear them tonight, and look really beautiful, you know? Then I was going to take them back in the morning.
But God.
Shreve is holding all my credit cards, the pink slip to my Mercedes, and my mom and dad's phone number.
Good chance you could be sent to your room for five to 15 years.
You know, you're really not helping.
Just get out of here.
God! I would do anything to get those earrings back.
Yes, Sam, I am exactly that desperate.
I don't care what it takes.
Go to the admiral's hotel room, sneak in there and steal those earrings.
Just get them back for me and, yes, Lord help me, I will go to bed with you.
I'm going to turn this joint upside down.
Starting with you.
Sam! All right, all right, all right.
Ending with you.
I saw it! Blue sparks in Carla's mouth! Hey, guys.
Listen, fellas.
Am I interrupting anything? Just science making another leap forward.
Fellas, listen.
All right, come here.
Come here.
I need your help here now.
I want to get my hands on Rebecca's jewels but, first, I've got to find her earrings.
All right, Sammy, we're here for you.
All right.
Now, I guess we could buy her another pair, but that would set us back about 32 grand.
Not here for you, Sam.
Left an hour ago.
All right, all right.
Now, there's got to be See, I figure that she probably just put them down someplace for safekeeping, and then forgot where she put them.
I got to just find a way to, you know, jog her memory.
I I know what we should do.
What? I saw this in a movie once.
We gather the suspects all together in one room.
And then you recreate the crime so that you can work backwards and find out what happened.
Let's go.
Hey, Sammy, uh since I'm the only one here in uniform, I suggest I play Admiral Crowe.
Well, if you're Admiral Crowe, who's going to be Mr.
Clavin? Aw, any of you yutzes can handle that.
( Sam clears his throat ) What are you all doing in here? Well, Cliff here has agreed to portray Admiral Crowe so we can recreate the alleged crime so we can figure out what happened.
And what about you two guys? We're witnesses.
Yeah, we're pretty much just gonna hang around and and watch.
That's a stretch.
SAM: Okay, uh Admiral Crowe came in and asked to use the phone.
What did he say? "May I use the phone?" Excuse me, Rebecca.
That's my line.
Then what? And I said, "Sure," and he said, "Thank you.
Look who thinks she's Admiral Crowe.
All right.
Now, he came in here, he was alone.
Was he carrying anything? Uh I think he was carrying a glass of water.
I see.
And did he put this glass of water down? I think so.
Next to, perhaps, this glass? Ooh! I see what you're getting at, Sam.
You think that he picked up the other glass with the earrings in it and took it out.
Yeah, right.
Guys, we're out of here.
Hey, I didn't get to portray Admiral Crowe.
Uh all right.
Uh Rebecca, as a favor for Cliff, what was the last words the Admiral said? Anything? Yes.
Before he left, he said, "I want to get out of this bar as fast as I can before I run into that stupid mailman.
" He stole them, all right.
You were supposed to help me find my earrings.
Come on! Yeah.
Look what I found in this dirty old glass.
Oh! Oh! Oh! You are such an angel! Oh, how can I ever thank you? I think the how has already been established.
We're up to where and how often.
Well a promise is a promise.
Come on.
I hate that.
I hate it when you do that.
Come on.
What what's wrong with you? Why why don't you want me? What's the problem? You know, Sam, I really I just don't know why I don't want you.
Well, think, damn it! I think it's just one of those things that, when you first meet a guy, you put him in one of three categories-- yes, no or maybe.
From the second I saw you, I threw you right in that "no" category, and that's where you've stayed ever since.
I mean, when Sam Malone walks into a room, I say "no" and go on with my life.
Every single time? No.
There was this one time, when you were way down at the end of the hall, and I could just see this tiny little piece of your elbow, and I didn't know for sure if it was you.
And I thought to myself, hmm.
And then you came around the corner, and I thought, "God, no!" "God, no" is a lot worse than just no, isn't it? Sam, wait.
I want to ask you something.
And I want an answer to this.
Why do you care? Why do you want me? I I have never given you any reason.
I've never come on to you.
Why do you keep hitting on me? Uh I don't know.
I I guess that I when I meet women, I put them into one of three categories.
Oh, who am I kidding? I put them into one category.
Boy, I guess I shouldn't do that.
I mean, that's not really fair to you.
I'm sorry.
Thank you, Sam.
I know that wasn't easy for you to say.
I haven't been real fair myself.
I mean, I haven't really given you a chance.
Don't worry about it.
I mean Gee, I wish we could just start all over again, you know? Just wipe all this junk out of the way.
I like that idea.
Yeah, I mean, it's, like, if I could see you for the first time, I'd look over there and I'd well, I'd see a beautiful woman.
Thank you.
And I'd see you, and I'd see a real good-looking guy.
With with nice hair.
Say it.
With nice hair.
Thank you.
And broad shoulders and a pleasant smile.
Nice hair again.
Aw, see, you're you're patronizing me.
No, I'm not.
I am not patronizing you.
We said we were going to be honest.
I think you're an attractive guy.
I think you're cute enough to kiss.
I mean, if I didn't know you.
Yeah, yeah if you didn't know me.
All right, what? You want me to prove it to you that I think you're cute? All right, fine.
I will prove it to you.
I will dispel the myth that you turn my stomach.
I will give you a little kiss.
Now, what category am I in? Yes? No? Oh, geez.
Why do I even bother with you? Ooh! A definite maybe.
I heard that.
You said maybe! You said maybe! Rebecca thinks I'm a maybe! I did not say that! I said that you kiss like my Uncle Abey! No, no, no.
I said that I think you gave me rabies!