Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - The Gift of the Woody

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
All right, I'm gonna say it, and I don't care who knows it.
Every since Reagan left the White House, this country has gone to heck in a handcart.
Here we go.
Heads.
Ha-ha.
Damn.
All right, Cliff, seeing as how I'm your best friend, I guess you better tell me what the problem is.
Ah, you're only asking me 'cause you lost the toss.
No, he's only your best friend because he lost the toss.
Eh, fine, here, go ahead and laugh.
Yeah, go ahead and laugh.
We'll see how funny you think this is.
( laughing ) Oh, as you you may have guessed, this is a hybrid cross between a rutabaga and a beet.
What are we calling it? Beetabaga.
Cliffie, I don't want to poke holes in this thing, or even touch it, actually, but really, I mean, how useful do you think this is going to be? Are you kidding, Norm? This is a perfect vegetable for kids who hate rutabagas but love beets.
Oh, and there must be, what, dozens of those, right? CLIFF: Exactly.
Fills a long felt need, Norm.
That's why those faceless bureaucrats in Washington are trying to steal it away from me.
Which reminds me.
Uh, I got an affidavit here I'd like you all to sign saying that, uh, Clifford Clavin is the inventor of the beetabaga.
Cliffie You got a pen? Cliff.
Yeah? Remember when, uh, you asked me to tell you if you were going off the deep end? Yeah.
Well, don't come up too fast, buddy, you'll get the bends.
Norm, Norm, you know, I usually go along with you, but, uh I am really on to something here.
Cliffie, does this sound familiar? ( sputtering ) ( piano plays ) Making your way in the world today Takes everything you've got Taking a break from all your worries Sure would help a lot Wouldn't you like to get away? Sometimes you want to go Where everybody knows your name And they're always glad you came You want to be where you can see Our troubles are all the same You want to be where everybody knows your name You want to go where people know People are all the same You want to go where everybody knows your name.
Whoa, Woody, you look like a million bucks.
Well, you're way off, Sam.
I got the sweater for $19.
95, I got the pants for 25 bucks and I got the socks at a yard sale for 40 cents.
What's the occasion? Well, they were selling the house, trying to get rid of some old socks.
No, Woody, I meant why are you all dressed up? Oh, well, uh, the corporation's having a big lunch and my girlfriend's dad is going to be there.
Oh, so in case you bump in to him you want to look good, huh? Whoo.
Yeah, he makes me so nervous.
It took me an hour to figure out what to wear this morning.
Yeah, you know, I have that problem, too.
You only have three suits.
Yeah, but I have five ties.
Sam, can you help me to get my hair to do what yours always does.
Sure, I don't think that'd be a problem there, Woody.
Okay.
( dryer whirs ) Now, you don't know what your PH level is, do you? Oh, hi, Mr.
Gaines.
Woody now that you're dating my daughter, I suppose we should take some time to be a little more friendly.
Therefore, I'd like to invite you to Kelly's birthday party this Friday.
Oh, thanks, but you didn't have to come all the way down here and tell me in person.
Well, I keep thinking if we spend more time together, see each other face to face, I'll learn what the attraction is for my daughter.
Nope.
I'm an enigma.
I have just about had it up to here with this corporation.
Hey, everybody, here comes the broken record.
I get invited to my first power lunch meeting and nobody even notices me.
As usual, I am just ignored.
But I finally figured out why.
I am just too darned attractive.
Guys really hate that.
You know, the problem is that everybody just sees me as a sex kitten.
I hate that.
I think I need to find a new role model.
If only I knew one successful career woman with an image that invites no sexual appeal whatsoever.
Another decaffeinated ice coffee, black as you can make it.
Lilith, I love the way you look.
Which is it? The radiant glow of impending motherhood, or the 20 pounds of water I'm retaining in my fingers and ankles? Lilith, Lilith, I love the way you dress.
I admire your style.
Do you think that um, you could help me develop a more business-like appearance? I'd love to, Rebecca.
And may I say it's about time you asked.
There are two approaches a woman can take in turning her look to her advantage.
The first is to play upon the male sexual drive and turn yourself into an object of desire.
I have opted for the second.
What's that? Scaring them stupid.
I like it.
So, Woods, what did Mr.
Big want to talk to you about? He still sweating you out about seeing his daughter? I bet he offered you a couple of thou to keep your mitts off the airhead to the throne.
NORM: Don't you do it, Woody.
Money is no substitute for the love of a good woman.
Now real estate, especially in today's market No, no, no.
You guys are way off base.
I didn't think Mr.
Gaines liked me either, but he just invited me to Kelly's birthday party.
NORM: Ooh, well, that's great.
Well, you know, you're going to have to get her a present, Wood.
I know, Carla.
I'm prepared for this.
And I'm not just giving her any present, but the gift that makes us all a little bit happier to be alive.
The gift of laughter.
( chuckling ) How, uh, how so, Wood? I'm giving her The Really Big Book of Dutch Humor.
( laughing ) See, it works.
Woody, you know, everybody at the party is going to be richer than God.
If you walk in there and show them a stupid book full of tulip jokes, they're going to laugh in your face.
That's kind of the idea, Carla.
Woody, I think Kelly might be used to gifts a little bit more expensive.
Well, then why did the father invite me? He knows I can't afford anything ritzy.
Well, maybe that's his plan, Woody.
Maybe he wants to humiliate you in front of Kelly's friends, so she'll be too embarrassed to date you anymore.
Maybe I won't even go.
Maybe I'll just stay home this weekend and work on my hair.
Sam? Yeah.
I could help you out.
You know, you got a wave there that's just going to waste.
Say, Woody, Woody.
Before Mr.
Jacques combs you out could you come here? Woody, you're giving up too easily.
You see, I'm sure you have plenty to offer Kelly.
Like what? Well, how 'bout a gift from the heart? Something which no rich man can obtain, upon which no price can be set.
Great idea, Dr.
Crane.
I can't tell you actually what to do of course, but I can relate a story from my own experience.
I remember when I was courting a certain beauty, I wrote her a poem.
Of course, it was no great piece of literature, but it did express my feelings honestly.
I recall reciting the last lines while we were sitting in front of the fire, basking in our love.
"Your lips are the flame that consumes me and the candle that lights my way.
" Frasier, love.
Yes, dearest? I've never heard that drivel before in my life.
I wonder whose lips those were.
( indistinct conversations ) Wow, Kelly, that's beautiful.
Come on, Uncle Val, I know you.
What's the gag? Look inside.
Yeah, a new Mercedes! Thank you.
Well, that looks like that's it.
What say we all go outside and have a look at some of Kelly's new cars? Wait, everybody.
Woody hasn't given me his present yet.
Oh.
That's right, Kelly.
Uh, could you come stand over here? I'd like to sing you a little song I wrote for you.
Now I should tell you right up front, that I'm not really a professional singer.
I'm more of a vocal stylist.
The song, Woody.
Oh, right.
( plays sweetly ) Kelly, my darling, you are my sunshine When we're together I feel fine Your smile is so lovely, your hair is so clean You make me feel that the whole world is mine Kelly, Kelly, Kelly, Kelly, Kelly Kelly, Kelly, Kelly, Kelly, Kelly, Kelly, Kelly K-E-L-L-Y Why? Because you're Kelly, Kelly, Kelly Kelly, Kelly, Kelly, Kelly Kelly, Kelly, Kelly, Kelly, Kelly, Kelly, Kelly of mine ( soft applause ) Mine, mine, mine, mine, mine, mine, mine, mine Mine, mine, mine, mine, mine, mine, mine, mine, mine.
( song ends ) Oh, Woody, that was beautiful.
You really liked it? Oh, I liked it more than anything.
Thanks.
So, where's my gift? Woody, I think you ought to lay off.
How many have you had? Eleven.
Well, that's that's plenty, Woody.
You know, booze is no way to handle any problems.
I just can't get over that Kelly made a fool out of me in front of all those people.
So you just left, huh? What else could I do? I told her my present was out front and ran off.
Don't worry about it, Wood.
It happens to all of us.
Really? Did Mrs.
Peterson ever make a fool out of you in front of other people? Yeah, there was that time she pulled the old "I do" gag.
I just never expected this from Kelly.
I'm really mad at her.
She's just a rich a rich I'd like to call her a nasty name, but I can't think of anything that rhymes with rich.
You know, Woody, you're better off dumping her.
Rich people stink.
I hate them.
I hate their soft shoes the way they're too relaxed to sweat.
You know what I hate most about rich people? I'm not one of them.
Yeah, Carla, you sweat like a longshoreman.
Woody, I think you ought to give her a second chance.
I mean, Kelly doesn't know what she's doing here.
She was born rich.
All her school friends are rich.
You know, maybe she just can't imagine someone who can't afford something expensive.
Did you explain it to her? What's the use? I don't care anymore.
Don't be bitter.
I'm not bitter, Sam.
I'm just consumed by a gnawing hate that's eating away at my gut until I can taste the bile in my mouth.
Well, I guess I am a little bitter.
Either that or I'm coming down with something.
Does anybody have a Tic Tac? ( knocking ) Where's Rebecca? In changing.
I'm helping her remake her image.
We're planning to crash the power lunch going on right now at Melville's, to show those executives what a real, no-nonsense businesswoman looks like.
What does she look like? Miss Howe? Oh, a man.
Carla, stop interrupting.
Lilith is trying to teach me how to be a hard-ass businesswoman.
The pretzel man wants to see you.
You talk to him.
He scares me.
You look wonderful, Rebecca.
Thank you.
Can you breathe in that thing? I'm a little constricted.
Perhaps it's the tight collar.
Or the ace bandage strapped around my breasts.
Well, they interfered with the line of your jacket.
What do you think, Carla? Well, turn around.
Bind her butt, too.
Are you ready to sock it to the old boy's network? I am! Too much inflection.
I am.
I am proud of you.
Geez, two Liliths.
This is like a nightmare I had once.
You, too? Well, that cuts it.
The whole world's against me.
What's the problem, Cliffie? Oh, those boneheads down at McDonald's refuse to consider the obvious commercial value of Mcbeetabaga burgers.
For God's sake, are you still going on about your stupid vegetable? It's not my vegetable, Norm.
It belongs to the whole world.
Aren't you vegetable enough for the world? Now you are going to be doubting on the other side of your mouth pretty soon.
You know, I went home last night and fooled around in the kitchen a little bit, and I came up with some mouthwatering morsels here.
Come on, who's going to be the first to try some of these goodies? We have beetabaga brittle, beetabaga burritos and that little taste of Cairo, beetabaga fajita in a pita.
How about a beetabaga barf bag? I'd like to try one.
May I? Sure, you certainly may.
You certainly may.
A man with a sense of adventure.
Here you go, sir.
Mm.
Oh, this is delicious.
Yeah, yeah? Not too chalky? No, I really like the unusual aftertaste.
Yeah, that'll stay with you for a couple of days.
Now listen up down there.
This fine gentleman can teach you something.
You know, I plan to tell the people back where I work about these.
Oh, hey, hear that? And I should know something on the subject, as I not only have a degree in agriculture, but I'm also a graduate of the Cordon Bleu.
The man is an expert.
I'm also an astronaut.
Wow.
Next week I'm going to be the Queen of Spain.
Hey, uh, Fras, could you use another patient? Oh, Cliff, you're harmless.
Yeah, there's only one thing left to do.
I'll just take this to the public.
Beetabaga fajita on a pita? No habla espanol, senor.
Woody, are you okay? I was afraid something awful had happened to you.
Yeah, well, maybe it did.
I kept waiting for you to come back to the party, and at first I just figured you'd gone out on to the front lawn and got lost, like last week.
But now I know something's wrong.
I'll tell you what's wrong.
I don't have a gift for you.
So why don't you just leave? Okay, Woody, if that's what you want.
No, wait, Kelly.
It's not what I want, but you have to understand something.
I'm just a poor working guy.
Could we go someplace and talk? I can't leave now.
Why not? I have a job.
I know, I think that's so cute.
I don't work to be cute.
I work to make money to live.
The cute part just happens.
Don't you understand? I'm trying, Woody.
There are some gifts you can't put in a box or hold in your hand.
Kelly, the song was my gift.
Oh, I get it, the song is a riddle, right? And if I can figure it out it'll tell me where you've hidden my gift.
I think we're just too different.
I don't think we should see each other anymore.
Really? Really.
I guess there isn't anything else to say.
Well, I'm sorry, man.
But what were you supposed to do? You know, run out and empty your savings, hock everything you own, spend every penny you ever earned just to buy her a silly little piece of jewelry? Sam, that's a great idea.
No, Woody.
And I always thought I was the smart one.
( grunting ) How'd it go? Well, not bad.
If I choose to accept their offer, you're looking at the new vice president in charge of the Eastern Seaboard.
She's lying.
I'm the vice president of the Eastern Seaboard.
Now I am the Eastern Seaboard.
What a view! ( playing note on piano ) Kelly, Kelly, Kelly, Kelly Kelly, Kelly, Kelly Hi, Kelly.
Happy birthday.
I thought you never wanted to see me again.
Oh, that was just a joke.
You know my crazy Dutch humor.
Here.
Oh, Woody, you didn't have to.
Oh, it's a pendant.
It's a little opal surrounded by sand.
Those are crushed diamonds.
I like it.
Where's the chain? Well, I'll have that for you in another 18 easy payments.
Well, let's go get it now.
We'll take my new Lamborghini.
It only has three miles on it.
We can't go get it now.
I don't have any money.
Oh, we can just stop by your automatic teller on the way.
Kelly, when I say I don't have any money, I don't have any money.
Nothing in my shoe, nothing under my mattress.
Nothing.
You take all the money in all the world and get rid of it and that's how much money I have.
Wait a minute.
You can't afford this, can you? That's why you've been so upset.
Now I understand.
It's like when Daddy wanted to buy Shell Oil and couldn't.
I'm sorry I yelled at you.
You know, this is really sweet, but I can't accept it if it's going to hurt you.
Thanks, Kelly.
I feel really bad about this.
No, I'm the one.
You see, I just wanted to give you something that nobody else could, and I know I couldn't compete with your friends when it came to expensive stuff, so I tried that dorky song.
It was pretty.
The tune or the words? The words especially.
Good, 'cause I sort of ripped off the tune.
I liked it.
Well, gee, there is one other thing I wanted to give you, and maybe it's even better than the song.
No one else in the world has it.
What's that? Just I love you.
You're not going to say "where's my gift," are you? Oh, Woody, you make me feel so ashamed.
Your gift makes all those others seem so cheap.
Look, Kelly, you're the best girl in the whole world.
And to think that for your birthday I was going to get you a Porsche.
Talk about shallow.
All you really need is to hear me say that I love you, too.
Woody? Woody? I'm sorry, did you say something after Porsche?