Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - Call Me Irresponsible

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Here you go.
Thanks.
Say, aren't you Sam Malone? Guilty as charged.
Small world.
Marge Thornhill here.
Don't you remember me? Ah, boy, you know, I can't quite place the face.
Where'd we meet? Well, we didn't actually meet, but I know you'll remember me.
I went to every home game you ever played.
Uh Marge, there are a lot of people up in the stands there.
Sure, but you got to remember me.
I always sat right behind first base, five rows up, remember? I used to get there, early so I could watch you warm up in the bullpen.
I'm sorry.
I know, you couldn't forget this.
Hey, Malone! You pitch like my sister! Why don't you go home and make a dress! Was that you? Yeah.
Well, how have you been? Guys, I want you to Do the one where you say I couldn't get the ball across the plate if I drove it there in my car.
No, no, that was then, and this is now.
By the way, I'm really sorry for all those shots I gave you over the years.
No hard feelings? No, of course not.
It's all part of the game.
You're a real sport, Malone.
( laughs ) You call this a martini?! What'd you use for vermouth, turpentine?! The great ones never lose it.
( piano plays ) Sometimes you want to go Where everybody knows your name And they're always glad you came You want to be where you can see Our troubles are all the same You want to go where everybody knows your name.
All right, I got it, I got it.
The worst possible way to die? Mm-hmm.
Being eaten alive by rats.
No.
I think I can do better than that.
I'd say the worst way to die is to be sliding down a razor banister, okay? A greased razor banister.
FRASIER: Wait, I've got it.
To die alone, knowing that you have never been loved.
Come on, Frasier, if you're not even gonna try Come on.
Ooh, Carla, what are you all decked out for? It's my second wedding anniversary.
Oh.
Things are going okay with you and Eddie? I mean, just last week, you were calling him a "dent-nosed, toothless little frog.
" Pillow talk.
Ah.
Well, actually, I was a little upset there about the fact that he's been on the road with the ice show for a month now, and I haven't gotten so much as a phone call.
But this morning, I suddenly realized what he was doing.
Treating you like crap? No.
No, that's what he wants me to think.
It's way of setting up a surprise.
So you figure he's been neglecting you just to set you up.
It's got to be that-- I know this man.
Woody, what time is it? Oh, don't go by my watch-- I always set it ten minutes ahead so I won't be late for things.
You were late this morning.
Yeah, I know.
I couldn't find my watch.
It's, uh, 6:30, Carla.
Well, he's still got five and a half more hours till midnight.
Yeah, he's really cutting it close.
But it'll make it all the sweeter when it happens.
Yeah, anniversaries can be just great.
I'll never forget my first anniversary with Vera.
Yeah, we, uh Oh, my God, I did forget it.
Anybody know where I can get a 17-year-old box of candy? Frasier, my fawn, I deserve a treat.
Today my belly button turned from an innie to an outie.
Well, this is news.
LILITH: Uh, Norm? We have a few things we'd like to ask you about.
Oh, great.
Must be pretty important if you're willing to buy me a free drink.
Oh, of course we will.
A drink for Norm? What do you drink? ( laughter ) ( chuckling ) What's so funny? It's just that everyone knows Norm always drinks beer, dearest.
Ah.
That is hysterical.
Anyway, Lilith and I have been talking, and we have decided that we would like you to decorate our unborn child's room.
All right! Sure, I can do that.
I just did a nursery for my sister-in-law.
I went with Gummy Bears rampant in a field of Smurfs.
Oh, no, no, no.
We'd like to stay away from that cutesie-ootsie drivel that retards the child's creative and intellectual development.
All right, uh, do we know if it's gonna be a boy or a girl? We are not going to cram sexual identity down our baby's throat.
So, naturally, the room should be, oh, sexually neutral.
Good.
Fine, I can do that.
When I'm finished, your kid won't have a clue what sex it is.
Hey, everybody, listen up.
We only got a few minutes to the game here.
Who wants in on the basketball pool? OTHERS: I'm in! Put me down! Yeah! There you go, gentlemen.
Woody, how about you? Oh, I don't know, Sam, I don't like playing games for money.
You end up either losing money or taking it from your friends.
No, no, Woody, this is just a game, man.
You know, five bucks a square.
You got four quarters, four chances to win.
I don't know, I don't like taking money from my friends.
Aw, go ahead, Woody-- nobody here gives a hoot about you anyway.
Okay, great.
It's just money.
This isn't gambling, is it? Gambling? Sam, we have had this talk before.
I can get closed down.
This? Oh, no, no.
Thanks.
This is not gambling, this is, uh well, this is a game.
Uh, haven't you ever heard of, uh, Championship Tic-tac-toe? It's a game.
Uh, who's next here? Me.
Me.
All righty.
It's my turn.
And I will take this square here.
And, uh Oh, by the way, Sam, here's that five bucks I owe you.
Ah, well, Normie, you, uh, you fell right into my trap there, buddy.
CLIFF: Here you go.
Oh, Sammy, by the way, this, uh, slipped out of your wallet a couple of weeks ago.
Oh! REBECCA: How stupid do you think I am? I know exactly what's going on here.
Come on, what's the big deal? It's just a friendly little game of wagering.
It's a simple $500 pot.
I can't believe you people.
Do you really think you're gonna get something for nothing? Do you know how long it takes me to earn $500? Give me three squares.
Hey, guys, get a load of that guy over there with the fake beard and the dark glasses.
Does that look like somebody I'm married to in a special anniversary disguise? Well, two can play at the surprise game.
Your beard might be phony, but I know something about you that's real.
Wait a minute.
You're not Eddie.
But you're not bad.
( sighs ): Where is Eddie? Why haven't I heard from him? It's dear to see Carla so concerned about her mate.
Do you remember when you gave that lecture in New York, and in a fit of whimsy, I flew in to surprise you? It was hardly a surprise; we booked those reservations three weeks in advance.
So you were in on it-- still it was a wacky thing to do.
( TV sports announcer talking ) Hey, Sam, end of the first quarter.
SAM: Oh! What's the score here? Let's see, the winner is Uh-oh.
Woody.
What a shame-- I know how he feels about taking any of his friends' money here.
You think you can talk him into it? ( chuckles ): Yeah, I'll give it a try here.
Hey, Woodrow, you won the first pot.
How much did I win? $125.
Yes! Come to Papa! Suckers! Aah! I'm in the money, I'm in the money! Maybe, uh, we could force him to take it.
Here, Woody, listen to me for a minute.
I don't want to, like, you know, put down your good time here.
Whoa, listen to me.
Listen to me.
It's kind of a tradition amongst gamblers-- especially gamblers who want to stay alive-- that you don't, you know, dance and wave money around in front of people you just won it from.
Can I sing? No, you can't sing.
Well, I guess it'd be out of line to chant, "In your face, in your face"? Evening, everybody.
ALL: Norm! WOODY: What's going on, Mr.
Peterson? A flashing sign in my gut that says "Insert beer here.
" Oh, Norm? Ah.
My clients.
Guys, I've, uh, devised a color scheme for the nursery, but I have to warn you, it's a bit drab.
Oh, good-- I will not have our child emotionally attached to cartoon mice and teddy bears.
No.
Our child will receive affection from parental embraces, administered at generously scheduled intervals.
And I'll be he comes back one day to thank you for that.
Probably while you're sleeping-- you won't feel a thing.
( game playing on TV ) SAM: Okay, 46 to 55.
That's the half.
Let's see.
Uh-oh.
Clear the dance floor.
Woody won again.
Thanks.
NORM: "Thanks"? "Thanks"? That's all you're gonna say, "Thanks"? Well, sure.
No, wait a minute, wait a minute.
Listen, the only thing that people hate worse than a guy who gloats is a guy who stands there smug when they know that he's gloating on the inside.
If you're gonna dance, for God's sake, dance.
I don't want to dance, you guys.
I didn't mean to hurt anybody.
I just want to sit here quietly and count my bucks.
Let's see, that would be five ten fifteen Wait, there's something written on this five.
Oh, that'd be mine.
Here, let me give you a clean one.
I'll take that back I don't mind.
No, it's all right.
You'll get ink all over your fingers, and Let's see what it says.
Uh, "Happy 30th birthday, Cliffie-bits.
Sorry I didn't have time to shop.
Love, Ma.
" You've been carrying around a gift from your mother for ten years? No, no, Sammy-- the post office just delivered it yesterday.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, very funny.
You're just jealous 'cause I got a ma who sends me five bucks on my birthday and you don't.
What are you talking about? Your ma sends me money all the time, Cliff.
I got one right here, actually.
"Dearest Norm, thanks for hanging out with my dorky son.
You're a saint.
Love Ma Clavin.
" Oh.
"P.
S.
I'm writing this in the nude.
" My ma didn't write that! My ma's never been nude in her life! I got some flowers here for, uh, Carla LeBec.
Oh, yes! Let the present parade begin! Ah I wonder what Eddie's plan is.
Flowers every hour, or maybe the presents are just gonna get bigger and bigger as the night goes on.
I'll tell you, I wouldn't be surprised if I left here tonight with an electric fondue set.
Yes! "Happy second anniversary, your loving husband, Edward LeBec.
" Aw Aw, what a guy.
Yeah, boy, that's really sweet, Carla.
NORM: Yeah.
Nice flowers, too.
( spits ) I hear that keeps 'em fresh longer.
Hey, whoa, where you going? What is that about? Those flowers weren't from Eddie.
What are you talking about? His real name isn't Edward, it's Guy.
Hah? What? G-U-Y.
Guy.
People just call him Eddie because it's too weenie to say Guy.
All right, which one of you dirt bags sent those gorgeous flowers? Come on, we didn't send those.
You know I'll betcha Eddie spent about 50 bucks for those flowers.
$50? You told me it was gonna be $35.
No! Oh! God! I-I don't believe that you guys don't think Eddie's gonna come through.
I mean I'll tell you, I got faith in Eddie.
He's the best husband in the whole world, and he is gonna come through.
You'll see.
( Sam whistles ) She's right, you know.
Yeah.
You know, seeing a wife stand up for her husband like that makes me realize what I have at home.
I guess that's kind of why I'm here.
Yeah.
Two dozen, long-stemmed.
And make the card out, "To Carla, with all my love, Guy.
" Yeah, Guy.
As in "geek.
" Well, Carla, it's midnight.
Your anniversary is over.
No, Sam, it's over here.
Where Eddie is, it's still going on.
He's got almost three hours left.
Carla LeBec? Ah, flowers.
Aren't you a little old for a delivery boy? It's my father's night off.
Hey Thank you.
Does anybody know who these are from and who they're for? Cliff's mom for me? No, they're from Eddie LeBec for me for our anniversary.
Now, are you guys satisfied or would you like to sit on these? Boy, that's love for you, isn't it? Yeah, really.
I got a tear in my eye.
And you're going to have this in your eye if you don't lay off my mom.
Oh, Carla, those are gorgeous.
Who sent them? Who do you think? Oh, isn't Eddie sweet? Oh, why can't more men send flowers? I didn't know Mormons couldn't send flowers.
I said more men, not Mormons.
I know they can't dance.
No, Sammy, that's the, that's the Amish.
W-Why can't Mormons send flowers? They can.
Then what are you talking about? I just wish someone would send me some damn roses.
Why does it have to be a Mormon? Oh, come on! ( phone ringing ) WOODY: Cheers.
With some people, you just can't discuss religion.
Carla, that was your florist.
They didn't accept your credit card for the flowers.
You got to bring them cash.
Okay, Eddie didn't send the flowers.
I sent them to myself.
I just figured that when he did do his wonderful surprise, it might be later, and you guys might miss it.
So, just get off my case.
It's gonna happen, okay? There is one bright side to all this.
Yeah, what's that? You're gonna have the sweetest smelling garbage on the block.
CLIFF: Sammy, well, that's the end of that game.
Who's the winner? Oh, dear; guess who.
Yes, again! Ha! A clean sweep for the Boyd machine! All four quarters are mine! Hey, here's three bucks; go buy yourselves some luck.
( chortling ) I'm sorry, Woody, but you're wrong.
Rebecca won.
What? Well, I hope you learn from my example.
I'm going to show you how a really gracious winner behaves.
Read 'em and weep, farm boy! Whoo! Excuse me, miss? Yes, sir? I'm Detective McGuiness, Boston Police Department.
I'm off duty here, but, uh, for your sake, I really hope there isn't any gambling going on here.
Gambling? No, sir.
I earned this money.
I'm a prostitute.
That isn't better, is it? Um, no, this is just a little joke.
We play a little game here, but we never play for keepsies.
See, I take the money in, and I give the money back like this.
Give this back to me later.
( phone ringing ) CARLA: I'll get it.
Give me that back.
Cheers.
Yeah? Great! Ho-ho! That was Sarafina.
Anthony is on his way over here with a package for me from Eddie right now.
Hey, good for you.
( horn honking ) That's him! That's Anthony with my present.
Woody? Why didn't he come in? No brakes in the car.
How does he stop? Well, he either swerves into hedges or he coasts around the block until he can stop the car with his foot.
Oh, man, this is gonna be good.
Laundry? He sends you his laundry? Yeah, once a month, but this has got to be some kind of joke.
I mean, he wouldn't send it on our anniversary.
There's got to be a present packed in here.
Right? Oh, that Eddie what a guy.
Packing a present in some laundry.
It's got to be in here somewhere.
I guess I was wrong.
What are you all looking at? ( murmuring ) What are you avoiding looking at? I know what you guys think.
You think he forgot.
You think my marriage is in big trouble and Eddie's turning into my typical creep husband.
Well, it's not true, so just go back to your stupid lives.
Norm, order a beer.
Clavin, bore us.
Oh, Woody, why don't you tell us about how another one of your relatives lost a body part in some farm equipment? I ever tell you about my Aunt Lefty? Shut up.
Just go on back to your sad, pathetic lives.
Me, I'm going home.
I'm going to go sit in a dark room and have some fun.
( phone ringing ) Putting on a Gene Pitney record WOODY: Cheers.
and I'm gonna slice Eddie's face out of every picture in the house.
Oh, hey, how you doing? No, I don't think she can come to the phone, Eddie.
She has plans for the evening.
Give me that phone! Is this really Eddie? Well, sure it's me, babe.
Listen, honey, I'm sorry I couldn't come home.
I mean, I wanted to make last year's celebration look sick.
I already got my plane ticket, I'm at the airport, and everything, and they called me back to rehearsal.
They changed the whole script of the ice show.
They've taken all the humanity out of the big bad wolf, and the three little pigs think they're God's gift to ice.
I really don't want to talk about it.
Hey, Eddie, when am I gonna see you again? Gee, I guess in a couple of months.
A couple of months? Listen, honey, I got to go.
The bus is about to leave from Yakima, and if I don't make it quick, the pigs will grab all the good seats.
Hey, Eddie, I love you.
I love you too, sweetie.
Bye.
( phone click and dial tone ) Hey, everybody, listen up.
I want you all to repeat after me.
I am a very stupid person.
ALL: "I am a very stupid person.
" And I will never doubt the undying love and total commitment that exists, always has existed, and always will exist between Carla and Eddie LeBec.
ALL: "I'm a very stupid person.
" Close enough! Well, turns out the only reason he didn't surprise me was he had to rehearse.
That ought to show you mo-mos a lesson.
Well, that was Eddie on the phone.
Hey.
Isn't that just the nicest, sweetest thing for Eddie to remember? Yeah, Carla, sure was.
Yeah.
You called and reminded him, didn't you, rat lips? How could I? I don't even know where he is.
Sammy, I'm going to ask you again, and I'm warning you.
Hey, don't back up.
I'm not going to hurt you, you wimp.
All right.
The women in my family, for generations, have had absolutely no talents or gifts but one.
We can make up any curse and make it stick, okay? Now, tell me the truth, or my curse on you is gonna be Let me think of a good one here.
No, not the hair; anything but the hair.
Okay, okay.
Your eyes Oh, no, wait a minute.
I got it.
Your tongue is gonna swell up so big, you're going to have to buy a seat on the plane for it.
Carla, this is ridiculous.
Sammy, you know I can do it.
Now, look into my eyes and tell me the truth.
Did you call Eddie and remind him about our anniversary? No, Carla, I didn't.
Okay.
But you and your tongue better be telling the truth.
Family curse.
( slurring ): How gullible does thee think I am? Oh, no.
No, oh Carla! Carla! CARLA: What? Nothing.