Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - What is... Cliff Clavin?

(Carla) CHEERS IS FILMED BEFORE A LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE.
[door opening] CAN I HELP YOU? UH, A BEER, PLEASE.
BOY, YOU CAN'T GO HOME AGAIN.
YOU REALLY KNOW THAT'S TRUE WHEN YOU COME BACK TO A PLACE YOU HAVEN'T SEEN IN 20 YEARS.
OR WHEN YOU LOSE YOUR BUS PASS.
MY JOB TOOK ME TO ALASKA.
THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I'VE BEEN BACK TO CHEERS SINCE THE '60s.
REALLY? YEAH, YOU SEE THOSE STAIRS? THEY USED TO GO DOWN THE OTHER SIDE OF THAT WALL.
HMM.
HMM.
AND THIS FLOOR, WHEN I WAS HERE IT WAS ALL UGLY GREEN TILE.
WOW.
I GUESS EVERYTHING CHANGES IN 20 YEARS.
THEY'VE EVEN CHANGED THE PANELING.
WHERE? OVER THERE, BEHIND NORM.
MAKING YOUR WAY IN THE WORLD TODAY TAKES EVERYTHING YOU'VE GOT TAKING A BREAK FROM ALL YOUR WORRIES SURE WOULD HELP A LOT WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO GET AWAY SOMETIMES YOU WANT TO GO WHERE EVERYBODY KNOWS YOUR NAME AND THEY'RE ALWAYS GLAD YOU CAME YOU WANNA BE WHERE YOU CAN SEE OUR TROUBLES ARE ALL THE SAME YOU WANNA BE WHERE EVERYBODY KNOWS YOUR NAME YOU WANNA GO WHERE PEOPLE KNOW PEOPLE ARE ALL THE SAME YOU WANNA GO WHERE EVERYBODY KNOWS YOUR NAME [phone ringing] CHEERS.
UH, JUST A SECOND.
SAM, IT'S FOR YOU, SOMEONE NAMED CARMEN.
CARMEN, AS IN CARMEN GET IT? JUST A SECOND, I'LL CHECK.
CARMEN, AS IN-- NO, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.
YO, CARMEN.
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.
HEY, SLOW DOWN A SECOND.
WHAT? LET ME GET A WORD IN EDGEWISE, HONEY.
NO, I DIDN'T-- HUNG UP ON YOU? SHE USED TO BE.
DAMN, MAN.
THAT'S VERY WEIRD.
SHE WANTED TO KNOW WHY I STOOD HER UP.
YOU MISSED A DATE? NO, I DIDN'T MAKE ONE.
BUT SHE SAID SHE SPENT THE AFTERNOON WAITING FOR ME AT THE ROLLER RINK DRESSED IN A BLACK LEATHER MINISKIRT AND FRENCH-CUT PANTIES.
MAN, I WOULDN'T FORGET SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
I'LL REMEMBER IT ON MY DEATHBED.
YOU KNOW SOMETHING? I'M GONNA CALL HER AND STRAIGHTEN THIS OUT.
WAIT A MINUTE.
OH, MY GOD.
IT'S NOT THERE.
MY LITTLE BLACK BOOK.
SOMEBODY TOOK IT.
ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY, FREEZE! ALL RIGHT.
DON'T ANYBODY MOVE HERE.
JUST STAY PUT.
ARE YOU MOVING? I'M GONNA LOCK THE DOOR HERE, AND I'M GONNA TURN OFF THE LIGHTS, AND WHOEVER TOOK MY LITTLE BLACK BOOK WILL JUST PUT IT RIGHT BACK ON THE BAR.
NO QUESTIONS ASKED.
HERE WE GO.
OK.
WOODY? NOPE, IT'S NOT HERE, SAM.
WAIT A SECOND.
MY WATCH IS GONE.
OH.
ALL RIGHT.
HERE IT IS ON MY RIGHT HAND.
I TOOK IT OFF MY LEFT HAND SO IT WOULDN'T GET WET WHEN I WAS WASHING THE BAR GLASSES.
WOOD, DON'T YOU USE BOTH HANDS WHEN YOU WASH THE GLASSES? WELL, THAT'S OK.
IT'S WATERPROOF.
HEY, GUYS.
GUESS WHAT? JEOPARDY! IS COMING TO TOWN FOR A ONE-TIME ONLY EAST COAST APPEARANCE, AND I'M GONNA TAKE THE TEST TO BE ON THE SHOW.
BEER, MR.
CLAVIN? WHAT IS A BREWED ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGE CONSISTING OF BARLEY AND YEAST? WELL, I DON'T KNOW.
USUALLY, YOU JUST HAVE A BEER.
SAMMY, ANY SIGN OF THE BOOK DOWN THERE? NO.
ARE YOU SURE THAT, YOU KNOW, ONE OF YOU GUYS DIDN'T JUST PICK IT UP AND BROWSE THROUGH IT? OH, YEAH, RIGHT.
I-I'M NOT GONNA BE MAD, MAN.
COME ON, SAM, TRUSTING THE BOOK WITH US.
THAT'S LIKE, UH, TRUSTING THE H-BOMB WITH A PACK OF SPIDER MONKEYS.
YOU'RE--YOU'RE GOING ABOUT THIS THING ALL WRONG, SAM.
NOW, LET'S JUST RETRACE YOUR STEPS STARTING IN THE MORNING.
THERE YOU GO.
SO, UH, THIS MORNING I I TOOK IT OUT OF THE WALL SAFE AND I--I SLIPPED IT INTO ITS WATERPROOF POUCH, AND I GOT DRESSED AND I CAME HERE.
WELL, DID YOU-- DID YOU STOP ANYWHERE ON YOUR WAY TO WORK? YES! YES! OH, THANK YOU! OH, GOD! THE LAUNDROMAT.
THAT'S WHERE IT IS.
OH, HEY, SAM.
IF YOU'RE GOING TO THE LAUNDROMAT, CAN YOU DO SOMETHING FOR ME? I DON'T HAVE ENOUGH TIME TO DO YOUR LAUNDRY, WOODY.
WELL, NO.
I-IF YOU SEE A SOCK LIKE THIS COULD YOU BRING IT BACK? I'M MISSIN' 2 OF 'EM.
I DID IT.
YEAH, I ACED THAT TEST.
GONNA BE ON JEOPARDY! [all cheering] [people clapping] THAT'S EXCITING, CLIFFORD.
YEAH, YEAH, IT'S EXCITING, ALL RIGHT.
YOU KNOW-- YOU KNOW, WHEN PEOPLE GO ON THE SHOW, JEOPARDY!, AND THEY ALWAYS TELL SOME LITTLE AMUSING ANECDOTE? SURE.
I WAS JUST STANDING OVER THERE THINKING THAT MAY BE IT WILL BE GOOD PUBLICITY FOR THE BAR IF YOU COULD COME UP WITH A FUNNY LITTLE BLURB ABOUT CHEERS.
CLIFFIE, I KNOW.
WHY DON'T YOU TELL ABOUT THE TIME WE GOT THAT REALLY BAD KEG OF BEER AND EVERYONE GOT SICK, ALL OVER THE PLACE, YOU REMEMBER THAT? NO, NO, NO, NO.
REMEMBER, UH, THAT GLOW-IN-THE-DARK MEN'S ROOM FUNGUS? NOW, HOW ABOUT THE TIME WE FOUND THAT DEAD POSSUM ON THE STEPS? [all laughing] AT LEAST I HOPE THAT WAS A POSSUM.
I HATE TO THINK A RAT COULD GET THAT BIG.
HI, GUYS.
HEY, SAM, ANY LUCK WITH THE BOOK? NO.
WOODY, ANYTHING IN THE LOST AND FOUND? UH, ALL WE GOT IS, UH, AN OLD UMBRELLA, COUPLE OF GLOVES THAT DON'T MATCH.
OH, HEY, MY SOCKS.
[telephone ringing] CHEERS.
ANNIE.
AS IN ANNIETIME HE WANTS, HUH? WHOA, WHOA, HEY, WHOA, NO, WAIT A SECOND.
I DIDN'T-- I DID NOT MAKE A DATE WITH YOU.
WHAT ARE YOU TALK-- HEY.
HELLO? I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT.
TWICE IN ONE DAY.
WHAT'S THAT, SAM? ANNIE SAID I MADE A DATE TO HAVE BREAKFAST WITH HER.
SPENT 2 HOURS WAITING FOR ME AT THE ROLLER RINK IN FRENCH-CUT PANTIES AND A MINISKIRT.
I DON'T EVEN HAVE MY BLACK BOOK, SO I CAN'T CALL HER BACK.
THAT'S YOUR ANSWER, SAM.
THERE'S SOME GUY OUT THERE WITH YOUR BOOK THAT'S MAKING THESE DATES IN YOUR NAME AND THEN NOT SHOWING UP.
WHICH MEANS THAT AT THIS VERY MOMENT, THERE COULD BE DOZENS OF GORGEOUS WOMEN IN FRENCH-CUT PANTIES AND MINISKIRTS JUST HANGIN' AROUND THE ROLLER RINK, AND THERE'S NOT ONE DAMN THING WE CAN DO ABOUT IT.
(Sam) CAN SOMEONE GIVE ME A RIDE? MY CAR'S IN THE SHOP, I SWEAR TO GOD.
HEY, ARE YOU GUYS GOING TO SEE MR.
CLAVIN PLAY JEOPARDY!? I DON'T KNOW, WOOD.
I REALLY CAN'T DECIDE.
ASSUMED THAT YOU'D GO.
CHEER HIM ON, YOU KNOW.
HELP HIM TO HAVE A FRIENDLY FACE IN THE AUDIENCE.
SO, ARE YOU GOING? I PROMISED LILITH I'D STAY AT HOME AND, UH, CLEAN THE DOG'S EARS.
WELL, I'M SURE GOIN'.
YEAH? I WANT TO BE THERE AND SEE WHEN THEY SAY, "THIS IS JEOPARDY!" AND THAT BIG BALL COMES OUT AND BREAKS INTO A MILLION PIECES AND SWIRLS AWAY.
YOU KNOW, IT'S JUST LIKE THE SUNRISE IN MY HOMETOWN.
WOODY, UH, IS THERE A BIG CHEMICAL PLANT NEAR HANOVER? SURE, IT'S RIGHT OVER THE LANDFILL RIGHT NEXT TO THE RESERVOIR.
HOW DID YOU KNOW? LUCKY GUESS.
HI, GUYS.
HEY, SAM, I GOT A BUNCH OF MESSAGES FOR YOU.
MOSTLY GIRLS SCREAMIN' AT YOU.
OH, MAN.
THIS IS SICK.
(Sam) THE GUY IS GOIN' THROUGH MY LIST OF BABES.
I MEAN, FIRST THE A's, THEN THE B's.
HE'S WORKED HIS WAY THROUGH THE G's.
I MEAN, WHERE'S HE GOING TO STRIKE NEXT? THE H's.
HEY, THAT'S GOOD WORK, DR.
CRANE.
YOU KNOW, THINK LIKE A CRIMINAL.
OR LIKE SOMEBODY ACQUAINTED WITH OUR ALPHABET.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, SAMMY.
HERE'S WHAT WE DO.
WE GET TO THE GIRLS THAT HE HASN'T CONTACTED YET, AND WE SET A TRAP.
OH, YEAH, GOOD IDEA.
WAIT A MINUTE.
YEAH, ALL RIGHT, GIRLS' LAST NAMES THAT BEGIN WITH "H.
" HI, MISS HOWE.
HI, WOODY.
OH, YEAH.
SAY, UM [clearing throat] HONEY, I HAVE A LITTLE FAVOR TO ASK YOU.
SEE, SOMEBODY OUT THERE'S GOT MY LITTLE BLACK BOOK.
SO? SO SOME GUY IS CALLIN' ALL THE GIRLS IN IT AND SAYIN' HE'S SAM.
RIGHT, THEN HE SETS UP DATES WITH THEM, HAS THEM PUT ON SEXY OUTFITS, AND I GUESS HE SPIES ON THEM.
SOUNDS LIKE YOU, SAM.
NO, BUT IT'S NOT BAD.
(Carla) ANYWAYS, WE WANT TO USE YOU TO HELP US SET A TRAP FOR THIS FIEND.
WHY WOULD I WANT TO HELP SAM GET BACK HIS GREAT, BIG BOOK OF BIMBOS? BECAUSE YOU'RE THE NEXT GREAT, BIG BIMBO HE'S GONNA CALL.
WHAT? WHY AM I IN THE LIST OF WOMEN YOU'VE GONE TO BED WITH? THEY'RE NOT ALL WOMEN THAT I'VE GONE TO BED WITH.
JUST THE IMPORTANT WOMEN IN MY LIFE, YOU KNOW? I MEAN, THE WOMEN I'VE GONE TO BED WITH, MY CLEANING LADY, UM, MY MOTHER, AND YOU.
OF COURSE, NOW THAT I'VE GONE TO BED WITH MY CLEANING LADY, THAT JUST LEAVES THEM, MOM, AND YOU.
COME ON.
NO.
FORGET IT.
WHY DON'T YOU GIVE THE GUY A BREAK? WHY SHOULD I? BECAUSE IF YOU DON'T, I MIGHT HAVE TO BRING UP THAT THING I HAPPEN TO KNOW ABOUT.
WHAT THING? IT'S A VERY PERSONAL THING I HAPPENED TO OVERHEAR.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKIN' ABOUT.
THAT THING, THAT IF IT EVER GOT OUT YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO SHOW YOUR FACE AROUND HERE AGAIN.
WHAT IS IT YOU WANT ME TO DO? DO YOU HAVE A SHORT SKIRT? CARLA, THAT'S AMAZING.
WHAT HAVE YOU GOT ON HER? NOTHIN'.
I BLUFFED, SHE CRUMBLED.
[audience chattering] (Johnny Gilbert) AND NOW FROM BOSTON, THIS IS JEOPARDY! NOW ENTERING THE STUDIO ARE TODAY'S CONTESTANTS.
A DOCTOR AND CHIEF OF NEUROSURGERY AT BOSTON GENERAL HOSPITAL, MILFORD REYNOLDS.
A LAWYER AND MOTHER OF 6, AGNES BORSIC.
AND A MAILMAN, CLIFF CLAVIN.
AND NOW HERE IS THE HOST OF JEOPARDY!, ALEX TREBEK.
THANK YOU, JOHNNY.
THANK YOU, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
HI, EVERYONE.
AND WELCOME TO A VERY SPECIAL EDITION OF JEOPARDY! THANK YOU, ALEX.
YOU'RE WELCOME, CLIFF.
THIS IS THE VERY FIRST TIME WE HAVE TAKEN OUR PROGRAM OUT ON LOCATION.
IS CLIFFIE WEARING MAKE-UP? WELL, IT'S A SPECIAL DAY FOR HIM.
WE HAVE 3 NEW CONTESTANTS WITH US TODAY.
ONE OF THEM AT LEAST, VERY EAGER TO SHOW HOW BRIGHT HE IS.
(Alex) SO, LET'S GET RIGHT TO IT.
PLAYERS, GOOD LUCK.
WE'RE NOW GOING TO PLAY THE FIRST ROUND OF JEOPARDY! AND HERE ARE THE CATEGORIES FOR YOU.
"CIVIL SERVANTS, "STAMPS FROM AROUND THE WORLD, "MOTHERS AND SONS.
BEER, BAR TRIVIA," AND FINALLY, "CELIBACY.
" (Alex) CLIFF, YOU WON THE COIN TOSS BACKSTAGE.
THIS HAS GOT TO BE MR.
CLAVIN'S DREAM BOARD.
SURE, HE'S HOME FREE AS LONG AS HE DOESN'T GET TOO COCKY.
CLIFF, COULD I GET YOU TO PICK A CATEGORY AND AN AMOUNT? WHY DON'T YOU GO AHEAD AND PICK ANY ONE YOU WANT.
I MEAN, I AM FEELIN' LUCKY TODAY.
WHOA! UH-OH.
OK, WE'RE BACK IN 30 SECONDS.
CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? MR.
CLAVIN'S GOIN' INTO FINAL JEOPARDY! WITH $22,000.
YEAH, AND I'M REALLY DEPRESSED, TOO.
WHY? I KNOW HE'S GONNA BLOW IT BEFORE I HAVE A CHANCE TO HIT HIM UP FOR A LOAN.
COME ON, HE'S WAY AHEAD.
THERE'S NO WAY HE CAN LOSE.
WELL, YOU GOT TO HAVE FAITH, WOODY.
(man) AT 3, 2 WELCOME BACK, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
OUR FINAL JEOPARDY! CATEGORY IS MOVIES.
IN A MOMENT, CONTESTANTS, I'LL GIVE YOU THE CLUE.
YOU'LL THEN HAVE 30 SECONDS TO WRITE DOWN YOUR QUESTION.
HERE WE GO.
OUR FINAL JEOPARDY! ANSWER IS, "ARCHIBALD LEACH, "BERNARD SCHWARTZ, AND LUCILLE LESUEUR.
" GOOD LUCK, PLAYERS.
[Jeopardy! theme playing] CLIFF, YOU'RE NOT LOOKING OVER THERE TO SEE WHAT AGNES IS WRITING DOWN, ARE YOU? NO, ALEX, I WOULDN'T TRY ANYTHING SLEAZY LIKE THAT.
I, UH, I WAS JUST ADMIRING THE CUT OF HER JACKET, UH, VERY SHAPELY FOR A MOTHER OF 6, IF I MIGHT SAY.
THANK YOU.
OH, YOU'RE WELCOME.
CLIFF, YOU GOT ABOUT ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
HEY, WHERE'S THE MAKE-UP GUY? MR.
CLAVIN'S STARTIN' TO LOOK A LITTLE PASTY.
YOU WOULD, TOO, IF YOU BET EVERYTHING YOU HAD AND DIDN'T KNOW THE ANSWER.
WHAT MAKES YOU THINK HE DIDN'T KNOW THE ANSWER? A LOT OF PEOPLE WOULDN'T HAVE NOTICED, WOODY, BUT THERE'S A LITTLE STREAM OF BLOOD TRICKLING DOWN HIS CHIN WHERE HE'S BITTEN THROUGH HIS LOWER LIP.
(Alex) AGNES, WHAT DID YOU PUT DOWN? "WHO ARE TONY CURTIS, CARY GRANT, AND LUCILLE BALL?" YOU'RE SO VERY CLOSE, BUT YOU'RE INCORRECT, UNFORTUNATELY.
AND THAT MEANS IT'S GOING TO COST YOU $2,900.
THAT TAKES YOU DOWN TO $400.
AND IT TAKES US TO CLIFF.
CLIFF, GOOD NEWS FOR YOU.
BOTH OF YOUR OPPONENTS CAME UP WITH INCORRECT RESPONSES.
AND WHAT THAT MEANS IS THAT, EVEN IF YOU'RE WRONG, AS LONG AS YOU DIDN'T DO ANYTHING FOOLISH LIKE WAGER EVERYTHING, YOU'RE A CINCH WINNER.
WELL, THEN WE, UH, WE DON'T HAVE TO SEE MY ANSWER, DO WE THERE, ALEX? LISTEN, WELL, SEE YOU AT THE TOURNAMENT OF CHAMPIONS.
CLIFF, WE'RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME.
AND WE ARE GOING TO HAVE TO TAKE A LOOK AT YOUR RESPONSE.
YOU WROTE DOWN, "WHO ARE 3 PEOPLE WHO'VE NEVER BEEN IN MY KITCHEN?" (Alex) NO, I'M SORRY.
THAT TOO IS WRONG.
THE CORRECT RESPONSE IS, WHAT WERE THE REAL NAMES OF CARY GRANT, TONY CURTIS, AND JOAN CRAWFORD? BE THAT AS IT MAY, ALEX, THOSE PEOPLE HAVE NEVER BEEN IN MY KITCHEN.
WELL, I'M SURE THEY HAVEN'T, BUT OBVIOUSLY THAT'S NOT WHAT WE WERE GOING FOR WHEN WE WROTE UP THAT CLUE.
OBVIOUS TO WHO? CLIFF, IT'S ALL RIGHT.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRY.
UNLESS YOU RISKED MORE THAN $21,600, YOU WILL BE THE NEW JEOPARDY! CHAMPION.
SO LET'S TAKE A LOOK AND SEE WHAT YOUR WAGER WAS.
YOU BET "$22,000 BIG ONES"? WHICH TAKES YOU DOWN TO 0.
YOU BET IT ALL.
CLIFF, WHY WOULD YOU DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT? BECAUSE I KNEW THAT THOSE PEOPLE HAD NEVER BEEN IN MY KITCHEN.
YOU CAN ASK THEM.
COME ON, TONY CURTIS IS STILL ALIVE.
GET HIM ON THE PHONE, GO AHEAD.
I'LL PAY FOR THE CALL.
ISN'T GONNA WORK, CLIFF.
SORRY.
AGNES, $400 IS NOT A BIG TOTAL, BUT TODAY IT'S ENOUGH TO MAKE YOU THE NEW JEOPARDY! CHAMPION.
SO, CONGRATULATIONS.
NO, SHE'S NOT! I'M THE CHAMPION! I ANSWERED ALL THOSE QUESTIONS! YOU SAW ME, AMERICA! WRITE IN AND TELL THEM! COME ON, WOOD, IF WE SNEAK OUT RIGHT NOW, NOBODY WILL KNOW WE'RE WITH HIM.
[Cliff shouting] TONY CURTIS, IF YOU'RE OUT THERE, AND YOU CAN HEAR ME, CALL IN, AND I'LL SPLIT THE POT WITH YOU.
OH, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, LOOK AT [people chattering] UH, COULD I HAVE ANOTHER BEER, PLEASE, REBECCA? I DON'T SEE ANY MONEY, NORM.
YEAH, YEAH.
YOU KNOW, I REALLY SHOULD, UH, SHOULD GO HIT THAT BANK MACHINE, I GUESS, BUT, UM, I HOPE ON THE WAY OUT I DON'T HAPPEN TO JUST INADVERTENTLY MENTION THAT ONE THING THAT CARLA AND I HAPPEN TO KNOW ABOUT YOU, THAT, UH SHUT UP, NORM, AND DRINK YOUR FREE BEER.
THIS BLUFFING THING IS A GOLD MINE.
YES, I'VE GIVEN YOU A WONDERFUL GIFT, MY SON.
YOU MUST USE IT FOR GOOD ONLY, NEVER FOR EVIL.
FREE BEER IS GOOD, RIGHT? YOU LEARN FAST, YOUNG NORM.
[telephone ringing] HELLO.
WHO? OH, SAM.
YEAH, HOLD ON JUST ONE SECOND.
IT'S THE GUY WITH YOUR BOOK.
WHAT SHALL I DO? TALK TO HIM.
PRETEND LIKE YOU'RE SOMEONE WHO'D GO OUT WITH ME.
OK, I'LL TRY.
HELLO? [stuttering] HELLO? OH, YES, I'M BACK.
SILLY ME.
I WAS JUST TALKING INTO THE WRONG END OF THE RECEIVER.
(Rebecca) UH OH, YES, I'M WEARING A MINISKIRT AND, UH, MY FRENCH-CUT PANTIES.
I'M-- I'M JUST NOT A REAL GOOD SKATER.
LISTEN, UH, MAYBE YOU COULD MEET ME SOMEPLACE ELSE.
HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF THE BAR CALLED CHEERS? UH-HUH.
GOOD.
WELL, THEN, WHY DON'T YOU COME OVER HERE RIGHT NOW? [stuttering] AND PLEASE HURRY, IT'S-- IT'S-- IT'S HOT, AND I DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH LONGER I CAN KEEP MY CLOTHES ON.
THAT WAS REALLY GOOD.
THAT KIND OF TURNED ME ON.
A DIAL TONE TURNS YOU ON.
HI, GUYS.
GUESS YOU HEARD THE STORY.
I GUESS EVERYBODY KNOWS BY NOW, HUH? NOTHIN' BUT A LOSER.
OH, IT'S OK, CLIFF.
WE UNDERSTAND.
I CAN'T BELIEVE I LOST ON JEOPARDY! OH, YOU WERE ON JEOPARDY!? ALL THESE YEARS, YOU KNOW, COMIN' OFF LIKE A BIG GENIUS, BIG KNOW-IT-ALL.
[scoffs] I MEAN THAT GAME HAS BEEN A BIG PART OF MY LIFE.
AND BECAUSE OF MY GREED, I WENT OUT AND DESECRATED THAT, UH, GLORIOUS AMERICAN TRADITION KNOWN AS JEOPARDY! I'M WORTHLESS.
I'M NO GOOD.
OH, CLIFF, IT'S A GAME SHOW, FOR GOD'S SAKE.
DON'T BE RIDICULOUS.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? AND YOU BLEW $22,000.
WHAT A JONAH.
DO YOU BELIEVE THIS GUY? PITIFUL.
WHEN THIS DEPRAVED SICKO WITH YOUR BOOK DOES COME IN, HOW ARE WE GONNA RECOGNIZE HIM? I DON'T KNOW.
WE'LL-- STOP IT.
HEY, HEY, MISTER? MISTER? HAVE YOU SEEN A GIRL WEARING A BLACK LEATHER MINISKIRT? [chuckling] CHECK THE ROLLER RINK.
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.
YOU WOULDN'T HAPPEN TO BE SAM MALONE, WOULD YOU? WHO WANTS TO KNOW? [chuckling] [laughing] AS A MATTER OF FACT, I DO.
WOW, WHAT A COINCIDENCE.
WELL, SEE YA.
WHOA, WHOA, COME HERE, COME HERE, SIT DOWN, WILL YOU? HEY.
FORK IT OVER.
YOU WANT TO JUST SLIP THAT RIGHT IN THERE? THANK YOU.
EXCUSE ME A SECOND.
I'M REBECCA HOWE, THE ONE YOU CALLED ON THE PHONE.
NOW, YOU SEEM LIKE A NICE ADOLESCENT.
I HAVE A QUESTION FOR YOU.
WHY DO YOU CALL UP THESE WOMEN AND MAKE DATES WITH THEM AND THEN NOT SHOW UP? WELL, I WANTED TO DATE THEM, BUT I'M JUST A KID.
AND AFTER ALL, I WAS AFRAID THEY WOULDN'T TAKE ME SERIOUSLY.
ISN'T HE PRECIOUS? SO HOW COME YOU SHOWED UP THIS TIME? WELL, I THOUGHT IT MIGHT BE EASIER WITH HER SINCE THERE'S ONLY ONE STAR BY HER NAME.
WHAT? THE FIRST STAR'S FREE.
YOU GOTTA EARN THE REST.
YOU KNOW, WHAT YOU JUST DID IS VERY SERIOUS.
IT'S NOT FUNNY.
I'M SORRY.
IT'S JUST THAT, WELL, I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO BE A SAM MALONE.
OH, YEAH? WELL, YOU WANT TO BE A--A BALL PLAYER? NO, I WANT TO BE A BABE HOUND.
YOU PLAY BALL? Y-YOU KNOW, YOU WANT TO BE A BABE HOUND, YOU'RE GOIN' AT THIS ALL WRONG.
I AM? YEAH.
YOU DON'T START OUT A FULL-BLOWN BABE HOUND.
YOU GOTTA START OUT AS A BABE PUP.
NOW, THERE GOTTA BE GIRLS YOUR AGE RUNNIN' AROUND THAT SCHOOL THAT YOU CAN CALL.
HUH? GUESS YOU'RE RIGHT, MR.
MALONE.
AND LISTEN, I'M SORRY I DIDN'T RETURN YOUR BOOK WHEN I FIRST FOUND IT, SIR.
OH, THAT'S NO PROBLEM.
LOOK, UH, TELL YOU WHAT I'M GONNA DO HERE.
I'M GONNA GIVE YOU $25.
WHY DON'T YOU GO OFF AND GET A DECENT HAIRCUT, HUH? AND DON'T FORGET, TIP THE SHAMPOO GIRL.
HEY, THANKS.
YEAH, FINE.
GET OUT OF HERE NOW.
[chuckling] MAKES YOU FEEL KINDA GOOD TO TURN A KID LIKE THAT AROUND.
YEP, YOU'RE A REGULAR FATHER FLANAGAN.
WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT I ALWAYS SAY, "THERE ARE NO BAD BOYS, JUST BOYS WITH BAD HAIRCUTS.
" HEY.
ALEX TREBEK.
HELLO.
HI, I'VE SEEN YOU ON JEOPARDY! YOU'RE EVEN CUTER IN PERSON.
WELL, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
HEY, COULD I ASK YOU A QUESTION? SURE.
DO ALL YOU POPULAR GAME SHOW HOSTS KNOW EACH OTHER? OH, I SEE WHAT YOU'RE GETTING AT.
THE ANSWER IS, NO.
I DON'T KNOW VANNA WHITE ALL THAT WELL.
GOOD.
THEN YOU'LL BELIEVE ME WHEN I TELL YOU THAT I'M BETTER THAN HER IN BED.
WILL YOU EXCUSE ME? HEY, I CAN TURN OVER LETTERS YOU'VE NEVER SEEN BEFORE.
MR.
TREBEK.
HELLO, CLIFF.
HEY, LISTEN, I'M VERY SORRY ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU ON OUR PROGRAM THIS AFTERNOON.
SO YOU'D ADMIT THAT YOU WERE OUT OF LINE BY TELLIN' ME I WAS WRONG? WELL, I WOULDN'T GO QUITE THAT FAR.
THE FACT IS THAT A CASE COULD BE MADE FOR YOUR POINT OF VIEW.
I THINK THE PROBLEM FOR US WAS IN THE WAY WE PHRASED OUR ANSWER.
IT ALLOWED FOR MORE THAN ONE POSSIBLE QUESTION.
YEAH, SEE, SEE.
SO YOU GOT MY $44,000? NO.
NO, I DON'T.
HUH? UH, WELL THEN, YOU'RE PROBABLY GONNA HAVE ME BACK AS A RETURNING CONTESTANT, THEN, RIGHT? NO, WE'RE NOT GONNA DO THAT, EITHER.
I KNOW, THIS ISN'T WHAT YOU WANT TO HEAR, BUT BELIEVE ME, WE'RE AS UPSET ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED AS YOU ARE.
YOU KNOW, IT'S A FUNNY THING.
YOU SPEND YEARS HOSTING A SHOW, AND YOU GET INTO THE HABIT OF THINKING THERE'S JUST ONE CORRECT QUESTION FOR EVERY ANSWER.
BUT LIFE DOESN'T ALWAYS WORK OUT THAT WAY.
THE WORLD IS MUCH MORE COMPLEX.
AND YOU DISCOVER THAT THERE ARE MANY DIFFERENT WAYS OF LOOKING AT THE UNIVERSE.
YEAH, SO, UH, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO? I THINK I'M GONNA QUIT MY JOB AS HOST OF JEOPARDY! MAYBE SPEND A LITTLE TIME IN TIBET.
OH, NO.
ALEX, LOOK.
ALEX, SIT DOWN HERE.
I MEAN, Y-YOU GOTTA-- YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE SAYIN'.
WELL, NOW, WAIT A MINUTE.
HOW CAN I GO ON HOSTING THE PROGRAM IF I'M FILLED WITH ALL THESE DOUBTS? ALL RIGHT, ALEX.
THINK ABOUT WHAT JEOPARDY! MEANS TO AMERICA.
NOW, I-IT'S MORE THAN JUST A GAME SHOW.
I MEAN, IT-- IT'S AS MUCH A PART OF THE NATIONAL FABRIC AS THE POSTAL UNIFORM THAT I WEAR WITH PRIDE EVERY SINGLE DAY.
SO YOU THINK I SHOULD STAY AS THE HOST OF JEOPARDY!? ABSOLUTELY.
AND YOU WON'T BEAR ME ANY ILL-WILL IF I DO? OH, BITE YOUR TONGUE.
ALL RIGHT.
IT'S SETTLED.
I'M GONNA STAY ON AS THE HOST OF JEOPARDY! OH, THANK GOODNESS, ALEX.
HEY.
HEY.
HEY, YOU HEAR THAT, EVERYBODY? I SAVED JEOPARDY! I'M GONNA-- I'M GONNA GO CALL MA.
SHE'LL GET A BIG KICK OUT OF THIS.
ALEX.
YEAH.
THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
YOU'RE A REGULAR GUY.
COMIN' IN HERE TO MAKE CLIFF FEEL BETTER.
THAT'S GREAT.
I JUST CAME IN HERE FOR A BEER, BUT I SAW CLIFF, AND I FIGURED I'D BETTER SAY SOMETHING, SO I MADE UP THAT STORY ABOUT QUITTING.
HE SCARES ME.
YOU, TOO, HUH?