Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - Bar Wars III: The Return of Tecumseh

(Woody) CHEERS IS FILMED BEFORE A LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE.
SAM, UH, MORE CHANGE, PLEASE.
BOY, LILITH'S REALLY BURNIN' UP THE PHONE THERE.
WHAT'S THE MATTER? OH, YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT OUR TROUBLES.
WELL, THEN AGAIN, SINCE I'VE SUFFERED THROUGH SO MANY OF YOURS WE'RE HAVING A DEVIL OF A TIME FINDING A BABYSITTER FOR LITTLE FREDERICK.
JEEZ, WHAT WE WOULDN'T GIVE TO GET AWAY TOGETHER.
OH, ME, TOO.
I LIVE FOR THAT.
REALLY? Y-Y-YOU COULD USE A VACATION? NO.
I WANT YOU GUYS TO GO AWAY.
SO, YOU DON'T HAVE ANY RELATIVES OR FRIENDS YOU CAN ASK TO WATCH THE BABY? OH, WELL, I-I'D GLADLY ASK MY PARENTS.
OF COURSE, THEY'RE DEAD.
WELL, AS FOR FRIENDS, I SORRY.
STUPID QUESTION.
FRASIER, GOOD NEWS.
I FINALLY FOUND A WOMAN WITH WHOM WE CAN LEAVE OUR BABY FOR ONE NIGHT.
OH, GREAT.
TELL ME ABOUT HER.
WELL, SHE'S 79 YEARS OLD, SHE CAN'T SEE HER HANDS WITHOUT HER GLASSES, BUT SHE ASSURES ME SHE CAN SMELL SMOKE.
LILITH, THIS IS WONDERFUL.
AT LAST WE'LL HAVE A NIGHT ALONE TOGETHER.
YES, IT'S JUST WHAT WE NEED.
OUR RELATIONSHIP IS AT A POINT WHERE THE REKINDLING OF ROMANCE IS BOTH APPROPRIATE AND WELCOME, TO SAY NOTHING OF TIMELY.
WELL, STOP, LILITH.
YOU'RE GETTING ME HOT.
MAKING YOUR WAY IN THE WORLD TODAY TAKES EVERYTHING YOU'VE GOT TAKING A BREAK FROM ALL YOUR WORRIES SURE WOULD HELP A LOT WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO GET AWAY SOMETIMES YOU WANT TO GO WHERE EVERYBODY KNOWS YOUR NAME AND THEY'RE ALWAYS GLAD YOU CAME YOU WANNA BE WHERE YOU CAN SEE OUR TROUBLES ARE ALL THE SAME YOU WANNA BE WHERE EVERYBODY KNOWS YOUR NAME YOU WANNA GO WHERE PEOPLE KNOW PEOPLE ARE ALL THE SAME YOU WANNA GO WHERE EVERYBODY KNOWS YOUR NAME HEY, CLIFFIE, YOUR BEER TASTES A LITTLE FLAT TODAY? NO.
I DON'T KNOW.
SEEMS LIKE IT'S OFF BY MAYBE A HOP OR TWO.
WELL, IT PROBABLY HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH THAT NEW, UH, PASTEURIZATION PROCESS.
YOU KNOW, THEY PUT IT IN BIG, UH, STERILIZED VATS AHEM, YEAH, WHO GIVES A HOOT? WHAT? NO LONG-WINDED EXPLANATION? HMM.
CLIFF JUST ISN'T HIMSELF TODAY, IS HE? WELL, IT'S NOT JUST MR.
CLAVIN.
I'M FEELIN' A LITTLE STRANGE, TOO.
IN FACT, THIS WHOLE PLACE FEELS WEIRD.
WELL, YOU KNOW, WOODY, THE JAPANESE BELIEVE THAT EVERY HOUSE HAS ITS OWN ENERGY, WHAT THEY CALL ITS WA.
NOW, EASTERN CULTURE SUBMITS THAT IF THIS WA IS SOMEHOW IN DISORDER, EVERYONE THAT ENTERS THEREIN WILL FEEL A SENSE OF DISCONNECTION.
MR.
CLAVIN, I KNOW WHY YOU'RE NOT YOURSELF.
DR.
CRANE IS YOURSELF.
DAMN IT.
THESE DECORATIONS ARE ALL WRONG.
THIS IS ST.
PATRICK'S DAY, THE BUSIEST NIGHT OF THE YEAR, AND OUR NAME IS MISSPELLED ON EVERY SINGLE ITEM.
"FAITH & BEGORRAH, FROM YOUR FRIENDS AT CHEES.
" REBECCA, THE DECORATIONS ARE THE LEAST OF OUR PROBLEMS.
I AGREE.
YOU'RE RIGHT, NORM.
I THINK UNPAID BAR TABS COME A LOT HIGHER ON OUR PRIORITY LIST.
DAMN IT, WOULD YOU LOOK AT HOW THEY MISSPELLED "CHEERS"? UH, WHAT I'M TALKIN' ABOUT IS IF YOU GUYS WANT TO WORRY ABOUT SOMETHIN', WHY DON'T YOU WORRY ABOUT WHAT EVIL, ROTTEN PRACTICAL JOKE GARY'S OLD TOWN TAVERN IS GONNA PLAY ON US THIS YEAR.
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
WE'RE NOT GONNA CONTINUE THIS FEUD WITH GARY, OK? WHAT ARE YOU TALKIN' ABOUT? THIS ST.
PADDY'S DAY.
IT'S ONE OF THE BUSIEST NIGHTS OF THE YEAR.
IT'S WHEN GARY WHEELS OUT THE BIG GUNS.
HE CAN'T DO ANYTHING WORSE TO US THAN HE DID LAST YEAR, REMEMBER THAT? THE PLACE WAS PACKED AND GARY AND HIS GOONS FILLED OUR STAIRWELL WITH POTATOES.
YEAH, JUST MY LUCK, I WAS SITTIN' ON THE BOTTOM STEP TYING MY SHOE AT THE TIME.
LUCKY FOR ME YOU GUYS WERE ABLE TO DIG ME OUT.
I'D HATE TO BE THE 2ND MEMBER OF MY FAMILY BURIED ALIVE BY POTATOES.
WELL, THIS YEAR THINGS ARE GONNA BE DIFFERENT.
NOW, AFTER THAT POTATO INCIDENT, I WENT OVER THERE AND I HAD A LITTLE CHAT WITH GARY.
I SAID WE GOTTA COOL IT BECAUSE THIS STUFF IS RUINING OUR BUSINESS, AND HE AGREED.
SO WE DREW UP THIS LITTLE DOCUMENT TO THAT EFFECT.
"WE, THE MANAGERS OF CHEERS AND GARY'S OLD TOWN TAVERN, DO SOLEMNLY SWEAR TO CUT IT OUT.
" THAT OUGHT TO HOLD UP IN COURT.
I'LL HAVE TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT THESE DECORATIONS.
WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO, REPLACE 'EM? (Rebecca) NO, THERE'S NO TIME FOR THAT.
I HAVE TO GO TO THE DELI AND BUY SOME CHEESE.
PEOPLE WILL BE EXPECTING IT.
CAN I FILL UP YOUR BEER THERE FOR YOU, NORM? UH, NO, THANKS.
I'M NOT QUITE FINISHED WITH THIS ONE.
I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY.
I'M FULL.
AW, MAN, THAT-THAT'S IT.
YOU KNOW, WHAT--WHAT'S GOING ON AROUND HERE TODAY? EVERYBODY'S ACTIN' WEIRD.
IT'S TIME TO GIVE OLD TECUMSEH A BELLY RUB.
THERE YOU GO.
WHO'S TECUMSEH? YOU KNOW, THE OLD WOODEN INDIAN BY THE DOOR.
ISN'T THAT PHIL? WHERE--WHERE IS HE? DID--DID YOU GUYS MOVE HIM? WELL, SPREAD OUT.
WE GOT TO FIND HIM HERE, GUYS.
THIS IS VERY WEIRD.
I COULD SWEAR I SAW HIM HERE YESTERDAY, AND THE DAY BEFORE AND THE DAY BEFORE THAT.
NO, NO, NO.
THAT WAS ME.
SAMMY, HE'S NOT HERE.
WHO IN HIS RIGHT MIND WOULD WANT TO WALK OFF WITH TECUMSEH? (all) GARY.
OH, MAN.
BOY, YOU KNOW, FUN IS FUN, AND I LIKE BEING HUMILIATED AS MUCH AS THE NEXT GUY, BUT YEAH, BUT THIS, TAKING TECUMSEH, THAT-- THAT CROSSES THE LINE! SAMMY'S RIGHT.
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, HE CAN TAKE CLIFFIE, HE CAN STRIP HIM NAKED, HE CAN PAINT HIM GREEN, TIE HIM UP LIKE A SHAMROCK, DRAG HIM THROUGH THE STREETS OF BOSTON, BUT THIS IS GOING TOO FAR.
THIS TIME, IT'S PERSONAL.
HEY.
(all) GET GARY! GET GARY! GET GARY! [people chattering] AH, ST.
PADDY'S DAY, THE DAY ST.
PATRICK DROVE ALL THE SNAKES OUT OF IRELAND.
BOY, IF THAT ISN'T THE BIGGEST FREUDIAN DREAM OF ALL TIME.
OH, 5 MORE IRISH COFFEES, WOODY.
OH, GOSH, I WISH SAM WOULD HURRY BACK FROM GARY'S.
I'M AT MY WIT'S END HERE.
HOW CAN YOU TELL? HELLO, DUCKLING.
SUGARPANTS.
I'VE BEEN ANXIOUSLY AWAITING OUR APPOINTED RENDEZVOUS.
HEY, DR.
CRANE, MRS.
DR.
CRANE.
SO YOU GUYS ARE HERE ON YOUR NIGHT OFF, HUH? YOU HAVE A MARVELOUS GRASP OF THE OBVIOUS.
WELL, THAT'S WHAT COMES FROM WORKING WITH YOUR HANDS.
SO WHAT ARE YOU GUYS GONNA DO? WELL, WE PLAN TO RECREATE OUR VERY FIRST ROMANTIC LIAISON.
IF MEMORY SERVES, WE BEGAN WITH A LOVELY MEAL AT MELVILLE'S, AND THEN AN AFTER-DINNER DRINK HERE, AND THEN WE ADJOURNED TO LILITH'S TASTEFULLY DECORATED CONDOMINIUM WHERE WE ENGAGED IN AN EVENING OF LOVEMAKING, WHICH I MIGHT SAY, WAS RATHER, UM, MEANINGFUL.
NOT TO MENTION SWEET AND SWEATY.
WELL, I'M NOT HUNGRY, YOU'VE HAD YOUR DRINK.
I SAY WE JUMP RIGHT TO THE FINAL STOP ON OUR ITINERARY.
DO YOU THINK THE PEOPLE THAT LIVE IN THAT CONDOMINIUM NOW WOULD MIND? I DON'T SEE WHY.
WE'RE AN ATTRACTIVE COUPLE.
CARLA, HOW COME WE CAN'T TELL MISS HOWE WHAT SAM'S DOIN' TO GARY? YOU KNOW HER.
SHE THINKS THAT ANYTHING THAT D-DESTROYS PROPERTY, COSTS MONEY, OR WASTES TIME IS STUPID.
I DON'T KNOW, SHE'S GOT AN ATTITUDE PROBLEM.
YEAH, WHAT IS WITH HER? [men singing] HO! HO! HO! HOO, POW! HOO, POW! POW, HOO! HOO, POW! YO-HO, CABALLEROS.
DID YOU HEAD THEM OFF AT THE PASS? OH, YEAH.
YEAH, WE JUST SHUT DOWN GARY'S OLD TOWN TAVERN ON ONE OF THE BUSIEST BAR NIGHTS OF THE YEAR.
[all cheering] YEP.
YEAH, WE GOT PADLOCKS ON ALL THE DOORS, FRONT AND BACK.
WE GOT TOXIC SPILL WARNING SIGNS, WE HAVE POLICE TAPES BLOCKING OFF ALL THE ENTRANCES.
I MEAN, PEOPLE ARE GONNA BE AFRAID TO DRIVE DOWN THE STREETS.
[all cheering] OH, AND, UH, TO TOP IT ALL OFF, MY FRIEND NORMIE HERE SENT 38 PIZZAS OVER TO GARY'S HOUSE.
ACTUALLY, I'VE SENT 'EM OVER TO MY HOUSE.
SO IF ANYONE WANTS TO COME OVER, REMEMBER, WE GOT TO GET TO 'EM BEFORE VERA.
OTHERWISE WE GOT NOTHING LEFT BUT THE CRUST.
[all chattering] MORNING, EVERYONE.
(Sam) HEY, HEY.
(all) NORM! WHAT ARE YOU UP TO, NORM? MY IDEAL WEIGHT, IF I WERE 11 FEET TALL.
SO, WE HAVE ANY RETALIATION FROM THE OLD GARMEISTER? NO, NO, NO, NO.
BUT THAT'S BECAUSE WE OUTSMARTED HIM ONCE AGAIN.
WE HAD A MAN INSIDE THE WHOLE TIME.
(Norm) ALL RIGHT.
YEP.
I STOOD EXACTLY WHERE TECUMSEH STANDS ALL NIGHT LONG.
IT'S GIVEN ME A NEW APPRECIATION FOR TECUMSEH AND EVERYTHING HE DOES FOR US.
YOU STOOD THERE ALL NIGHT LONG? WHAT A STUPID THING TO DO.
OH, YEAH? I STAND THERE FOR ONE NIGHT AND YOU THINK THAT'S STUPID? HE STANDS THERE FOR YEARS, AND YOU RUB HIM FOR LUCK.
WHO'S THE STUPID ONE, CARLA? HEY, I HEAR YOU GUYS SHUT DOWN GARY'S LAST NIGHT.
OH, NOW, HE STARTED IT WHEN HE STOLE TECUMSEH.
WHEN YOU DRAW FIRST BLOOD LIKE THAT, YOU GOT TO EXPECT ANYTHING TO HAPPEN.
(Norm) RIGHT.
[chuckles] HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY.
WHAT? (Cliff) THEY'RE BRINGING TECUMSEH BACK.
OH, YEAH! WE BROUGHT GARY TO HIS KNEES AND NOW HE'S RETURNING OUR STATUE AS A TOKEN OF SURRENDER! [all whooping] [all cheering] OH, GOOD.
TECUMSEH'S BACK.
YEP.
GARY SENT HIM.
GARY? NO, I HAD HIM REVARNISHED.
DOESN'T HE LOOK SHINY AND NEW? YOU WANNA SIGN FOR THIS, LADY? SURE.
UH, SAY, REBECCA, SO YOU MEAN THAT--THAT--THAT GARY HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH TECUMSEH BEING MISSING? ABSOLUTELY NOT.
UH-OH.
WHAT'S WRONG? WE SHUT DOWN GARY'S BAR ON ONE OF THE BUSIEST NIGHTS OF THE YEAR.
WE DID THAT FOR NO GOOD REASON AT ALL.
WHAT? WHAT ARE YOU TALK-- WHAT DID YOU DO? WELL, UH, SWEETHEART, YOU REMEMBER THIS, UH, TREATY YOU AND GARY SIGNED? YES.
GENTLEMEN, WE'RE AT WAR.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY YOU GUYS THINK IT IS SO COOL TO PLAY THESE STUPID PRACTICAL JOKES.
HONEY, IT'S WHAT KEEPS THE CHILD IN US ALIVE.
OTHERWISE, WE'D BE JUST MATURE ADULTS.
YEAH.
I'D LIE AWAKE AT NIGHT WORRYING ABOUT THAT ONE.
LISTEN TO ME, ALL OF YOU, I WANT YOU TO CALL GARY RIGHT NOW AND APOLOGIZE BEFORE HE GETS THE IDEA OF GETTING EVEN AND BLOWS US TO BITS WITH AN ALL-IN-GOOD-FUN TOILET EXPLOSION.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
THERE'S THAT ATTITUDE.
APOLOGIZE.
YEAH, RIGHT.
A LOT OF GOOD THAT WOULD DO.
GARY JUST GETS MEANER WHEN HE SMELLS WEAKNESS.
I GOT TO RESPECT THE GUY.
WELL, ONE THING IS CLEAR, HE'S GONNA RETALIATE, OK.
IN FACT, HE MAY HAVE ALREADY PUT SOME DEADLY PLAN IN ACTION.
THIS BEER YOU JUST POURED ME, SAM, COULD BE FILLED WITH TOXINS.
SO WHAT DO WE DO? WE TAKE OUR CHANCES.
HEY, WOODY, OPEN THAT DOOR THERE AND SEE IF GARY'S DONE ANYTHING TO THE OUTSIDE OF THE BAR, WILL YOU? SNOW.
GARY MADE IT SNOW.
GARY CAN'T MAKE IT SNOW, GRAIN BRAIN.
OH, IT'S A GOOD THING, 'CAUSE WE'D NEVER BE ABLE TO TOP THAT.
HOLD IT.
HOLD IT.
HOLD IT.
HOLD IT.
HE MAY HAVE PLANTED SOMEBODY IN THE BAR.
NOW, YOU SEE ANY STRANGE FACES? JUST, UH, GLANCE AROUND NONCHALANTLY.
COME ON, GARY'S SMARTER THAN THAT.
HE KNOWS WE'D BE ON THE LOOKOUT FOR A STRANGER.
SO HE'D PLANT SOMEBODY WE DO KNOW.
YEAH, PROBABLY TRY TO TURN ONE OF OUR OWN AGAINST US.
SO THE IDEA IS, WHO DO WE SUSPECT THE LEAST? I THINK IT'S ME.
OH.
COME ON, WOODY.
HOW COULD GARY TURN YOU AGAINST US? I DON'T KNOW.
BUT IF HE CAN MAKE IT SNOW-- HE DIDN'T MAKE IT SNOW! HE DIDN'T MAKE IT SNOW, YOU IDIOT! ALL RIGHT, JUST CALM DOWN.
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.
CALM DOWN.
LOOK, I JUST CAN'T HELP IT, SAM.
IT'S THIS WAITING.
IT'S MAKING ME CRAZY.
I MEAN, YOU KNOW GARY.
HE ALWAYS RETALIATES.
I KNOW, I KNOW.
AND WITH GREAT CRUELTY AND FORCE AND ALWAYS WITHIN 24 HOURS.
BOY, I REALLY DO RESPECT THAT GUY.
(Norm) CARLA'S ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.
EVERY TIME THAT DAMN DOOR OPENS, I KEEP THINKING TO MYSELF, THIS COULD BE THE BIG ONE.
EXCUSE ME.
IS THE MANAGER HERE? WHY? WHO WANTS TO KNOW? I'M THE FIRE MARSHAL.
YOU'RE DUE FOR YOUR ROUTINE FOR SAFETY CODE VIOLATIONS.
OH.
[laughing] AHEM, WELL, WE'RE REALLY GLAD YOU'RE HERE.
WHY DON'T YOU HAVE A SEAT? CAN I TAKE YOUR HAT? THANKS.
SURE.
YEAH, YOU PROBABLY WANT TO BE CHECKING IF THIS FIRE EXTINGUISHER IS FULLY OPERATIONAL.
OF COURSE.
OK.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WELL, THIS HAT IS NOW UP TO CODE.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WELL, WE'RE JUST-- WE'RE JUST, UH, DEMONSTRATING OUR FIRE PREPAREDNESS.
GENTLEMEN, UH, SELTZER DRILL.
(all) SELTZER DRILL! HUP! SELTZER DRILL.
YO! YO! WHOA.
[laughing] WHAT ARE YOU DOING? OH.
THESE--THESE PANTS WERE A TINDERBOX.
YOU GUYS ARE CRAZY.
YEAH.
WHOO! [all singing] WHOO! (Rebecca) SAM, EXCUSE ME.
WILL YOU BE SURE TO LET ME KNOW WHEN THE FIRE MARSHAL GETS HERE? FI-FIRE MARSHAL? YES.
WE'RE DUE FOR OUR ROUTINE 6-MONTH INSPECTION.
BE SURE AND TELL ME WHEN HE GETS HERE.
OH, DON'T WORRY.
I--I HAVE A FEELING HE'LL BE IN TOUCH.
GUYS, GUYS, GUYS, GUYS, WE'RE GOING NUTS HERE.
I TELL YOU, MAN, IT'S JUST SHEER LUCK THAT--THAT NO ONE WAS HURT IN THIS SITUATION, OTHER THAN REBECCA.
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
THIS MIGHT BE PART OF GARY'S MASTER PLAN.
WHAT? WHAT IS? YEAH, KEEP US ON THE EDGE, PUT US OFF BALANCE.
YEAH, MR.
CLAVIN'S RIGHT.
YOU KNOW, I THINK GARY'S PROBABLY PLAYING WITH US, LIKE A RAT WITH A MOUSE.
THAT'S CAT AND MOUSE, WOODY.
CAT AND MOUSE.
SAM, A CAT AND A MOUSE DON'T PLAY TOGETHER.
THEY'RE MORTAL ENEMIES.
THEY DON'T EVEN KNOW THE SAME GAMES.
THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK, SAM.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, BUT WHAT DO WE DO ABOUT GARY, ALL RIGHT? WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO? JUST SIT HERE AND WAIT AND WORRY? WELL, WHAT OTHER CHOICE DO WE HAVE? FAIL-SAFE.
WHAT? HUH? SURE, FAIL-SAFE.
OUR SITUATION HERE GREATLY PARALLELS THAT FILM OF THE EARLY 1960s THAT DELIGHTED AND, UH, DISTURBED AUDIENCES OF THAT TIME.
SO YOUR IDEA IS WE-- WE SCHNEID OURSELVES BEFORE GARY DOES IT TO US? SHOULD DO SOMETHING TO OURSELVES TO GET BACK FOR WHAT WE DID TO GARY? OH, THAT'S CRAZY.
COME ON.
ALL RIGHT, WAIT--WAIT-- WAIT A MINUTE.
IT MIGHT JUST CONVINCE GARY NOT TO DO ANYTHING TO US.
WE'D BE THE MASTER OF OUR OWN FATE.
YEAH.
AND, FELLOWS, BOTTOM LINE IS, WE'D BE GETTING IT OVER WITH.
ALL RIGHT.
(Sam) WHAT DO YOU THINK? I'LL BUY IT.
ALL RIGHT, SAMMY'S RIGHT.
I SAY WE SCREW OURSELVES! (all) SCREW OURSELVES! SCREW OURSELVES! SCREW OURSELVES! CARLA, WHERE ARE SAM AND WOODY? OH, YOU'LL FIND OUT SOON ENOUGH.
DON'T WORRY YOUR FLAT LITTLE HEAD ABOUT IT.
YOU DID NOT ANSWER MY QUESTION, AND FOR YOUR INFORMATION, MY HEAD IS NOT FLAT.
ALL RIGHT, BUT IT'S NOT LITTLE.
SAY, CARLA, UH, WHERE'S THE INNER CIRCLE? OH, UH, SAMMY AND THE GUYS HAD TO DO SOMETHING, BUT THEY'LL BE BACK SOON.
OH, DON'T TELL ME I MISSED SOMETHING.
NO.
NOW, CARLA, I EXPRESSLY POSTED MY BEEPER NUMBER.
IF ANYTHING JUICY HAPPENS, I'M TO BE PAGED.
FRASIER, AN OBSERVATION.
YOU ARE SPENDING WAY TOO MUCH TIME HERE.
SO, UH, HOW WAS YOUR NIGHT OFF? BET YOU SPENT A LOT OF TIME WORRYING ABOUT THAT KID OF YOURS, HUH? NO, NOT A BIT.
WE HAD A WONDERFUL TIME.
WE KNEW HE WAS IN GOOD HANDS.
SO WE JUST SAT BACK AND RELAXED.
WELL, HAD A MUCH NEEDED AND HEALTHY NIGHT AWAY FROM HIM.
OH, THAT'S TERRIFIC.
OH, BY THE WAY, YOUR SITTER CALLED AND SHE SAID THAT FREDERICK ROLLED OVER BY HIMSELF FOR THE FIRST TIME.
WHAT? AND WE MISSED IT? WE MUST BE THE WORST PARENTS IN THE WORLD.
FRASIER, LET'S RUSH HOME, FALL TO OUR KNEES AND BEG HIS FORGIVENESS.
I'LL NEVER GET OVER THIS, NOT UNTIL THE DAY I DIE.
NEW PARENTS, THEY'RE ALWAYS SUCKERS FOR THAT GAG.
WELL, MY FRIENDS, WE DID IT.
WE'VE SAVED THE BAR.
[all cheering] (Sam) WHERE'S THE PHOTOGRAPHER? ARE YOU THE GUYS? NO, WE ARE THE MEN.
NOW, TAKE A PHOTOGRAPH OF US IN ALL OUR GLORY HERE.
GENTLEMEN, STEP RIGHT UP IN A LINE.
ALL RIGHT.
YEAH.
GET RIGHT THERE WE GO.
OK, SMILE, MEN.
THIS IS FOR THE SUNDAY PAPER.
FELLAS, COUNT OF 3.
[camera clicking] AND HERE WE GO.
[camera clicking] OK.
I GOT IT.
THANKS, GUYS.
HOPE IT GROWS BACK.
DOESN'T ALWAYS, YOU KNOW.
(Carla) MAN, YOU GUYS! YOU KNOW, WHEN I DREAMED THIS GAG UP, I NEVER THOUGHT YOU WERE GONNA GO THROUGH WITH IT.
I JUST THOUGHT YOU'D GET SOME RUBBER SKULL CAPS OR SOMETHING.
HEY, COME ON, GIVE US A LITTLE CREDIT HERE, WILL YOU? WHEN A MAN HAS A DIRTY JOB TO DO, HE DOES IT.
W-WAIT A MINUTE, WHAT'S THAT BEHIND YOUR EAR? NOTHING.
NO, NO, DON'T TAKE IT OFF.
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
[all exclaiming] WHAT THE HELL? GUYS, WE'RE TALKING ABOUT MY HAIR.
OH, YEAH.
SO? WITHOUT MY HAIR, I'D BE JUST JUST ONE OF YOU GUYS.
PARDON ME, SAMMY, IF THAT FAILS TO BRING A TEAR TO MY EYE! FELLAS, I TRIED TO DO IT, I SWEAR TO GOD, BUT, MAN, I LOVE MY HAIR.
ALL RIGHT, FINE.
YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THIS? YEAH! LET'S JUST STEP OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW.
[men clamoring] OH, NO, WAIT, HANG ON A SECOND, HERE, HUH? WHAT ARE WE DOIN' TO OURSELVES? I MEAN, IT'S BAD ENOUGH THAT GARY MADE US LOOK LIKE FOOLS, AND NOW WE'RE FIGHTIN' AMONGST OURSELVES.
THIS IS NOT PART OF THE DEAL.
YEAH, WOODY'S RIGHT.
THANK YOU, MR.
PETERSON.
NOW, LET'S JUST RELAX, SHAVE SAM'S HEAD, AND DISCUSS THIS [all shouting] HEY, HEY, GUYS, LISTEN UP, LISTEN UP.
I'VE GOT GREAT NEWS.
YEAH, LISTEN UP.
NOW, LISTEN, THERE'S NO NEED TO RETALIATE AGAINST OURSELVES.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN? GARY'S HAS BEEN CLOSED FOR THE LAST MONTH.
HE'S IN FLORIDA, WHILE HIS PLACE IS BEING REMODELED.
HE WASN'T EVEN OPEN ON ST.
PATRICK'S DAY.
HE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW YOU GUYS DID ANYTHING TO HIM.
ISN'T THAT A HOWL? THIS IS THE WORST THING GARY'S EVER DONE.
WE'VE GOT TO TEACH GARY A LESSON.
HE MUST NEVER DO NOTHING AGAIN.
MEN, THERE'S ONLY ONE THING LEFT TO DO.
GET GARY.
(all) GET GARY! GET GARY! GET GARY! FIRST, WE SHAVE SAMMY! NO, GET GARY! SHAVE SAMMY! SHAVE SAMMY! SHAVE SAMMY! GET GARY! (Sam) GET GARY! GET GARY!