Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - Where Nobody Knows Your Name

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Anybody seen my gum? Left it around here somewhere.
What'd you take your gum out for? To give my mouth a rest, you know.
Dear Diary, today it finally happened.
Wood, can I have another Oh! Cliff, I think I found your gum.
This is a new jacket, too, man.
Well, Norm, might I suggest that you ice it and then try to scrape the bulk of it off with a razor blade, and maybe that way you can save it.
Oh, no, that's okay, Frasier.
I was about to get a new piece anyway.
Sounds like a lot of work, Frasier, I don't know.
Well, alternatively, you could wait several years for the resins to break down, the gum to harden and fall off by itself.
I seem to have my full range of movement.
I can wait.
(theme song begins) Making your way in the world today Takes everything you've got Takin' a break from all your worries Sure would help a lot Wouldn't you like to get away? Sometimes you want to go Where everybody knows your name And they're always glad you came You wanna be where you can see Our troubles are all the same You wanna be where everybody knows your name You wanna go where people know People are all the same You wanna go where everybody knows your name.
Whoo! Boy, did it just get warm in here? I hate Indian summers.
You never know what to wear to work in the morning.
I mean, it's gonna get cold, it should stay cold.
Then, who am I to question the Lord? What's with the getup? It's Indian summer, Sam.
I need these clothes for protection.
Protection from what? The eyes of men.
What are you talking about? Every time I've conceived a kid it's been during Indian Summer.
That's when I'm at my most fertile, Sammy.
I cannot let any man touch me, talk to me or see me, or I'll be shooting out kids like a Pez dispenser.
Oh, come on.
I'm not kidding, Sammy.
I've-I've gone over two years now without having a kid.
Now that's a record for me.
I'm not taking any chances.
I was gonna stay home, turn off the lights, lie down but the cable man's coming over.
Sweetheart, I promise you, I won't let anybody put the moves on you, okay? Oh, no, you don't understand, Sammy.
It's not them, it's me.
When the mercury hits 95, I can't be responsible for my actions.
Oh.
Oh! Who is that hunk over there in the uniform with the cute buns? Oh, my God, it's Clavin! Oh, this is, this is worse than I thought.
Has he always had that mustache? Iced coffee will cool me down.
REBECCA: Hey, you guys, listen to this.
"Rumor has it that the reason jillionaire jailbird "Robin Colcord gave up his fortune and freedom "was a mystery femme.
But so far our little caged Robin isn't singing.
" Boy, that writer really paints a picture, doesn't he? You know, I can just picture Mister Colcord sitting on his little perch in a cage, sharpening his beak on a cuttlebone Woody.
Woody.
Pecking away at a little bell made out of sesame seeds.
Yeah! Sam! Rebecca, this is kind of a rip-off, isn't it? I mean, they don't even mention your name.
And don't think I'm not grateful.
What do you mean? You could have been famous.
Yeah, s-someday I would like to be famous, but not because I'm involved with a rich man.
I mean, I would like to be known for some real achievement.
Oh, yeah.
How's that cure for leprosy coming along? You know what I mean.
You know how the girlfriends of rich millionaires are treated by the press; like cheap sluts.
You know, I think it stems from the envy that the public feels towards people who achieve a certain level of notoriety.
Well, also the fact that most of those women have posed nude in popular men's magazines.
But, you know, frankly, I wouldn't waste my money on publications like that.
I mean, those letters are not real.
I just hope the rag magazines don't find out that I am the mystery woman.
Who am I kidding? Those bloodhounds will ferret me out the first chance they get.
But at least I have my dignity.
Well, I'm off to change the blue stuff in the toilet bowls.
(sighs) What's the matter, Wood? I don't get The Far Side.
Woody, come on.
Hand it over here.
Come on.
Let's have a look.
Okay, Wood, now you see here in the first panel, the cows are standing on their hind legs, right? The second panel, when the car goes by, they're acting like normal cows.
See, the idea here is, Wood, that, uh, you know, cows only act like cows when, when we're around.
Other times they act like people.
Now does that, does that help you clear it up a little bit for you? I just meant I don't get The Far Side in my newspaper at home, but thanks for treating me like a one-year-old.
Oh, every time we turn on Robert Vaughn's Amazing Discoveries, we always get the hair-loss episode.
I mean, it's like they, they never did any others.
Well, listen, we don't have to watch an infomercial.
We can choose from any of 60 wonderful cable stations here.
At the very least it's.
Well, there's Lyle Waggoner talking about impotence.
Oh, people trying to whiten their yellow teeth.
Singing in the Rain.
Oh, how to buy real estate with no money down.
Wait, wait, wait, you just passed by one of the all-time classics, Frasier.
Put it back on the yellow teeth one.
Wait, wait, go back.
There was a picture of Robin Colcord.
Sources have confirmed the identity of Colcord's mystery woman.
Oh, God! They found me out! Colcord's secret lover revealed herself in a press conference today to be Jeanne Marie Beaulier, Charges d'Affaires for the French Consulate.
Miss Beaulier Excuse me? I thought Robin dumped that French babe for you weeks ago.
Well, he did! The nerve of that cheap slut pretending like Robin turned himself in for her! Don't worry, Rebecca.
Your friends know who the real cheap slut is.
Thank you, Norm.
Well, Rebecca, don't be upset.
I mean, she's actually doing you a favor.
You're off the hook.
The press is going to tear her apart and leave your relationship with Robin unsullied.
I guess you're right.
I mean, the only thing that really does matter is that, that I am Robin's true love.
And it actually makes it more romantic because we're the only ones who know.
Yeah, except for us.
And I kind of told my mom in Hanover.
You know what I mean.
It's sort of like a secret valentine between me and Robin.
And us.
And my mom.
Woody, who cares if your mother knows? I mean, who is she going to tell? Are you serious? She has choir practice tonight.
Once she gets a cup of coffee in her, those old biddies will bleed it out of her.
For a moist crumb cake, she'll tell anybody why you never see Uncle Willie and Aunt May in the same room at the same time.
Why, uh, why would that be, Wood? I don't see any crumb cake.
(phone ringing) Cheers.
Oh, hi, Mom! It's for me.
Oh, yeah, yeah, I saw the news, but don't believe everything you see on TV.
That French lady, Jeanne Marie, was telling a big whopper.
It was really Miss Howe who was having well, you know, with Mister Colcord.
Oh, all right.
I'm sorry.
I will.
Where're you going, Wood? I have to go wash my mouth out with soap.
I'm sorry, Woody.
Yeah, well, maybe next time you'll think about the consequences of your actions.
REPORTER: Looks like no end to the heat wave is in sight.
Today may actually break a hundred.
Oh, man! I'd better get the crib out of the garage.
Hi, everybody.
I brought doughnuts.
Oh! Gee, I haven't dunked a doughnut in years.
Wood, give me another beer, will you? Oh, hey, did you see the Midnight Tattler? What? Seems that, uh, Jeanne Marie sold her love letters from Robin.
Yeah? Whoo-ee! Look at the legs on this chick!! Hey, hey, guys? Guys, guys.
Rebecca's standing right here.
Try and to be a little more polite.
Oh, uh, I'm sorry.
Thank you very much for the doughnuts, Rebecca.
Look at the legs on this babe! Are they continued on the next page or what?! Don't bother, Sam.
I've seen the article.
It's just a stupid, pitiable act of a desperate woman.
Those letters are not real.
They never are.
Robin did not type those letters.
I have seen his typewriter.
He doesn't even use (phone ringing) Cheers.
Oh, hi, Mom.
It's for me.
Um, yeah, yeah, I-I saw the article.
Miss Howe says What? isn't a bad word.
No, it's not All right.
Okay.
Thanks a lot, Miss Howe.
CLIFF: Hey, Sammy, how about turning up the sound? Don't you care about any of this? I mean, it's got to be bothering you a little bit.
I wouldn't be human if it didn't bother me a little bit.
But, I mean, what does it really amount to? I have Robin's love and she has a couple of blurbs in a cheap tabloid.
And it's not like she's some national celebrity.
ARSENIO HALL: Join me tonight as the stage sizzles with my guests Michael Caine, M.
C.
Hammer and the woman Robin Colcord gave it up for, and I mean really gave it up for, Jeanne Marie Beaulieu.
Watch her kick it on the next Arsenio Hall Show.
Hey! I'm the one who should be kickin' it! Hey.
This is getting very serious.
Thank you for your concern, Sam.
Do you have any idea how much that TV costs? What? The corporation owns this bar for three years, you don't break anything.
I have it for three weeks, you yank my television off the wall.
I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have done that.
It's just that I didn't expect this thing with Jeanne Marie to go this far.
Before, nobody even took it seriously.
And all of a sudden she's getting national attention.
Tonight she's going to be on Arsenio.
Yeah, I know.
And thanks to you, I can't watch it.
Why hasn't Robin spoken out? I mean, why hasn't he denied this? What if what if he really does love Jeanne Marie? What would I do? Hey.
I know.
What? I'll get my landlady to tape Arsenio.
No, Sam.
No, no, no, you're right, you're right, you're right.
Then I'd be obligated.
Sam! You're not listening to me.
Well, all right, I'm listening.
What? I mean I cannot just ask him if he loves Jeanne Marie because then he will think that I don't trust him.
You don't.
I know, but I should.
But if I ask him, "Do you love Jeanne Marie?" and he says "Yes," I don't think that I could handle that.
And if I ask him if he loved me and he said "Yes," then he would know that I did not trust him.
And trusting him is the one thing that I really should do since he gave up his fortune for me if he really did give it up for me, which I can never know because I can't ask.
Let me see if I can put this in a nutshell What? Sam, would you ask him for me? No.
No, no.
No, I don't want to do that.
I've never been to prison.
Oh, well, it's not really a real prison.
I No it's like a minimum-security deal.
It's like summer camp, only Robin has to spend seven to ten summers there.
No, really, and when you, when you see him, don't tell him that I told you to ask, okay? I mean, just make it sound like, you know, you just dropped by prison, you know, it's just like a real casual deal for you.
Uh, no.
No, Rebecca, I'm sorry.
Okay.
Forget it.
It's just that, um whenever I think that Robin might love Jeanne Marie, you know, I just get so darned mad, you know? Just feel like I could just Okay.
Okay.
I guess I can swing by the prison, on my way to the billiards supply store.
Carla, uh, watch the bar for me, will you? I've got to go down to prison for a minute.
Prison? Isn't that where they keep all the bad, lonely men? Now, come on, Carla.
Don't.
Oh, Sammy, take me with you, please? No.
Smuggle me in in your pants.
No! Please? I need a tattooed man! Please, Sammy.
Carla, no! Ah, yeah, there he is.
Thanks very much.
Hey, Robin.
Robin.
Hey.
Hey, Sam.
What are you doing here? I, uh, I need to talk to you for a minute.
Oh, yeah, certainly.
Grab a racket.
Oh, well, all right.
Yes, I'd stop to talk, only I just get three hours a week on the court.
Prison, you know.
Excuse me, Sam, weren't you a professional athlete? Well, yeah, I was a pitcher for the American League, but I never actually had to hit anything.
I see, so basically you just did what this machine is doing.
Yeah, but my arm got tired.
So, Sam, what have you got on your mind? I want to talk to you about your ex-girlfriend.
Can you be, uh, more specific? The one you were running around with behind Rebecca's back.
Can you be more specific? Jeanne Marie.
Oh! Oh, dear Jeanne Marie.
Yes, I do hope her little game with the press isn't troubling Rebecca.
Yeah, well Yeah, it is actually.
You know this girl is running around getting exploited all over the place, but we all know that it's Rebecca that deserves to be exploited.
Hey, these things are coming pretty fast.
Can we slow them down? Oh no, if they went any slower they wouldn't remain airborne.
Yeah, yeah, Sam, look, if Rebecca is really getting troubled by this, why didn't she make mention of it to me? Well, I don't know, actually.
She, uh, tried to explain that to me, but I, uh Yes, enough said.
Poor Rebecca.
Her insecurities have finally got the better of her.
Well, perhaps I should, uh, make an end of Jeanne Marie's little charade and go to the press and tell them the truth.
Do you think that would help her? Sure, yeah.
Say, is your arm sore? What? My arm's sore.
Right here.
Oh, yes.
Well, we can take a break if you like.
All right.
Maurice! Thanks, Maurice.
Whoo! Hey, Robin.
Excuse me, are you through with the court yet? Yes, Sherman.
It's all yours.
Thanks.
Maurice! Hey, I voted for that guy.
Okay, guys, we got it.
You know, I think Rebecca did us a favor by breaking that old TV.
Yeah, I like this new TV a lot better than the old one.
We're not talking TV here.
This is the latest in video technology.
We've got Dolby sound, black matrix, high resolution.
I mean, look at that.
It's almost as if Deputy Dog's right in the room with us.
Yeah.
Yeah.
My God.
It's another scorcher out there.
I am sick and tired of peeling patients off of my leather couch.
I'll tell you, the ones in shorts scream like banshees when I get them up fast.
Well, fortunately, I'm a trained psychiatrist and I've learned to tune out cries for help.
Say, where's Carla? She asked us to lock her in the office until the heat wave breaks.
For goodness sakes.
I mean this has gone on long enough.
The human female doesn't have an estrous cycle.
Someone is gonna have to tell her that the weather cannot affect human beings this way.
Carla! May I have a word with you, please? Oh! How is she, Fras? Be afraid.
Be very afraid.
Has anyone seen an afternoon paper? Uh, what are you looking for? Well, because Robin's statement about me being his true love is supposed to be in the late edition.
I sent Woody out for it hours ago.
You, you sent Woody out there? It's a hundred degrees.
I'm sorry, Miss Howe.
I would have been here sooner, but I think I passed out between the newsstand and here.
Woody, man, are you all right? Yes, he's all right.
I bet I'm on the cover.
Heat wave, heat wave heat wave.
children in sprinklers, heat wave So it's a little warm out.
Grandma? Is that you, Grandma? Thank you, Grandma.
Here it is.
"Millionaire Robin Colcord says that his true love is some Boston bar manager.
" What? That's it?! I thought I was gonna be big news.
Such is the transitory nature of fame.
You have missed your moment in the sun.
I had three hours in the sun.
Would somebody shut him up? This just isn't fair.
Robin gave it up for me.
Me, not Jeanne Marie.
Well, hey, I wouldn't worry so much about Jeanne Marie.
She's washed up, too.
Look where they put her on Hollywood Squares.
Center bottom.
Nobody's gonna call on her there.
She might as well be a Gabor.
MAN: I'll take Robin Colcord's lover to block.
No, no, whoa, whoa! Come on, guys, switch the channel.
Put a game on or something.
I'm trying, Sammy.
How do you work this damned remote? Oh, wait, you need this one to work that one.
Damn! Relax.
Relax.
No, it was my turn, Sam! Everybody in the world was supposed to know that that I was Robin's mystery femme.
I was supposed to be famous.
You know, that's not what you said before.
You said the only thing that mattered was that Robin loves you.
Yeah, yeah, well that was back when I thought Jeanne Marie was gonna be laughed at.
But now, I didn't know that she was gonna become America's little sweetheart and I was gonna become America's little stupid idiot nobody.
Honey, listen, from the outside, fame looks great.
But when you actually have it, it's not, it's not all that it's cracked up to be.
Oh, how would you know? Well, I had a little bit of fame, once upon a time.
Oh, yeah, right, that time you almost got hit by that truck.
No.
No, no, no, come on.
When I was pitching for the Sox.
Yeah, sure, fame has its perks.
I mean, you don't have to stand in line at restaurants.
That's very nice.
And cops let you slide on a few traffic tickets.
That's that's very nice.
Autographs, I mean, that's cool and all of that.
But, basically, it's just a hassle.
Really? Yeah, sure.
Not being famous is ten times better.
Really? Yeah.
Yeah, you get treated just like everybody else.
You can go to the supermarket in peace.
Nobody crowds around you.
As a matter of fact, they don't pay any attention to you at all.
No, they certainly don't let you cut ahead of them in the ten-items-or-less line.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
You have to wait behind all the old ladies.
Some of them have way beyond ten items.
'Cause believe me, you've got all the time in the world to count every little can, every little loaf of bread.
Sam By the time you get to the front of the line, they're only too happy to cut up your credit cards right in front of your face because you're nothing! Sam Sam, are you all right? I miss it so much, Rebecca.
Oh I know you do.
But we're both better off without it, Sam.
Do you remember, remember all the attention I got when that truck almost hit me? Well, there's no break in this heat wave.
As a matter of fact, tomorrow is going to be even hotter.
Let's look now at the satellite (rumbling) Oh, my God! Clear out, everybody! She's gonna blow! (rumbling)