Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - Achilles Hill

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
What's going on there? There appears to be a man lying in the street.
Oh, my God, it's Woody! Woody.
Excuse us, excuse us.
Move back, please, a doctor coming.
Are you all right? Don't move me, don't move me! REBECCA: Don't move him! Somebody get help! (horn honks) WOODY: Straighten her out, Sam.
Thanks, Woods.
(theme song begins) Making your way in the world today Takes everything you've got Taking a break from all your worries Sure would help a lot Wouldn't you like to get away? Sometimes you want to go Where everybody knows your name And they're always glad you came You wanna be where you can see Our troubles are all the same You wanna be where everybody knows your name You wanna go where people know People are all the same You wanna go where everybody knows your name.
Hey, Carla, you'll never believe what I found in the storage closet.
This great old foosball table.
(screams) Yeah, I was pretty excited, too.
This foosball table is evil.
It's cursed.
What are you talking about? One day, it mysteriously appeared in the alley out back.
From the moment we started to play it, this place turned from a nice local tavern into a seething pit of resentment and backstabbing.
Oh so that's how it happened.
I'm telling you, things got ugly around here.
One time, the ball flew out and hit Clavin in the eye for no earthly reason.
(laughing): It was funny.
But it was spooky.
That's when I realized that this is an evil foosball table.
Well, why didn't you get rid of it? Well, we tried to throw it away, but the trashman who picked it up slipped and fell backward into traffic.
I'll never forget his last words "What the?" Well, it's, it's not exactly "The Telltale Heart," but it's a pretty good story.
Gee, Carla, I had no idea.
I'll put it right back.
Hey, Cliffie! Huh? Check it out-- the foos table.
Too late.
It has risen from its resting place to feed upon the fat and middle-aged.
Uh, Sam.
Oh, hey, John, how very nice to see you again.
You're lying, aren't you? Yes, I am.
Hill, I just had lunch up at your restaurant and the risotto with bay scallops and fennel-- oh, I think it was the most delicious thing I've ever had to eat.
We'll name it for you.
Thank you.
Hey, come here.
I hate this guy.
What are you, what are you kissing up to him for? I'm not kissing up, Sam, I like the food.
Sam, you don't have to be jealous.
You are a very handsome businessman, and you own the hottest spot in town.
Oh, oh, thank you very much.
That's kissing up.
Sam, I think we both know why I'm here.
I bet you want the number to my hairstylist.
Don't you? Oh, I'm sorry.
Now, that was cruel.
Sam, as we both know, I own legal title to your poolroom and both bathrooms.
Hey, why do you keep repeating that every time you come down here? You're driving me up the wall.
That's why.
Now where was I? Oh, yes, as you know, I own legal title to your poolroom and both bathrooms, and rent on said property is past due since last Wednesday.
I hope you haven't forgotten me, Sam.
Forgotten you? John, I could never forget you.
You're in my bad dreams every night.
You're the reason why I'm in therapy for the first time in my life.
Well, don't forget to mention to your therapist that I own legal title to y All right, all right, all right, all right.
I'll write you your stupid check.
Sam, I'm a little hurt.
If you felt the need to see a therapist, why didn't you come to me? Oh Well, I-- you know, I was looking, sort of, for a doctor that, you know, didn't know me so well, who has, uh, blonde hair and smoky eyes and wears miniskirts and crosses her legs all the time.
Connie Forsythe, a fine doctor.
(chuckles) She'll straighten you out.
Oh, she did.
Here's my personal check.
You'll notice that I made it out to John "You Stink" Hill.
Sam, this is not up to your usual standards.
(blows raspberry) Now it is.
Man, I can never get the guy.
I hate him.
Just once I would like to do something that gets under his skin.
Sam, forget him, he's gone.
No, he's not gone, there's no escaping the guy.
I mean, I-I walk down my own hallway and I know that I'm on his turf.
I can't even go to the damn bathroom without getting mad.
Oh, you, too, Sammy? You know something? I'm out of here.
I'm gonna go see Dr.
I got to get this out of my system.
You're going to talk to her about it? No, I'm gonna get it out of my system.
Talk? Excuse me.
Are you Mr.
Malone? Yeah.
Well, there seems to be a problem with this check.
Oh, what? I just made a joke name up.
Big deal.
All he has to do is make sure he endorses it John "I Stink" Hill.
(laughs) No, Mr.
Malone, you made it out for too much.
You added an extra zero.
Oh, well, thank you very much, it's I'm kind of surprised someone as nice as you works for that bald-headed jackass.
Oh, I don't work for him.
I'm the bald-headed jackass' daughter, Valerie "You Stink" Hill.
I'm sorry.
I-I-I never intended for anyone to see that except John.
And all the people at the bank.
Well, yeah.
I'll write you another check.
Valerie, what are you doing down here? I asked you never to come down here.
I just wanted to get the right amount on the check.
Well, I was perfectly pleased with the amount as written.
Besides, I don't want you associating with the element that hangs around in this bar.
Wipe your hands.
Thank you.
Sam, I heard you say you wanted to get under Mr.
Hill's skin.
Well, I got a way, but I think it's impossible.
You're thinking that maybe I should date his daughter? (laughs) Great idea! No, no, no, if you really want to get under Mr.
Hill's skin, the best way is we shrink you down to microscopic size and then we put you in a syringe and we inject you right into his arm.
But I still say it's impossible.
Oh, I love this.
This is a great idea.
Oh, great.
Now I got Sam trying to contradict the immutable laws of science.
When am I going to learn to keep my mouth shut? (elegant music plays) You know, Sam, I have to confess I've never really been out with a guy like you before.
I'm afraid I don't even know how to act.
Ah, well, it's really easy.
Shimmy over here a little bit, will you? There you go.
Now first off, just, you know, adjust your, uh, outfit a little bit there.
Very good.
Laugh like hell at everything I say and, oh, yeah, put your hand in my lap.
(laughs) (chuckling): No, th-that was not a joke.
Sam, I really feel like I don't know what to say to you.
Well, it doesn't really matter, sweetheart, it's just All you got to do is make sure you whisper it right here, right in my neck.
Yeah, there you go.
Oh, hi, John! (laughs) Boy, I didn't expect to see you here tonight.
Sam, I see you've made friends with my daughter.
Oh, yes, we're very good friends by now, John.
I've discovered how her eyes dance in the light, how neat her hair smells, how soft her skin feels.
Modesty prevents me from going on.
Fine, I'll send the wine steward over.
Sam, I liked what you said about my eyes, but you know I'm wearing contacts.
Hmm? Oh, yeah, yeah, I know.
I saw them swimming around in there earlier.
Here, here, o-open up.
Hey, John, look at this.
Your daughter and I are sharing food together.
I hope I'm not interrupting, but has anybody told you about the specials for tonight? Oh, it doesn't really matter, John.
We're just gonna have a ton of raw oysters and then dash out of here all out of breath.
The oysters are delicious.
What the hell kind of father is he? Here I am, smelling your hair, talking oysters.
I mean, I could be the biggest creep in the world.
I could be taking you out for all the wrong reasons.
Are you, Sam? No, of course not.
Here, jump in my lap.
There you go.
Sam, I'm not sure I feel comfortable sitting in your lap like this.
Hmm? Oh.
How's that? Oh, I like that.
Uh, Sam, I wonder if I could speak with you for a moment? Well, sure, John.
Will you excuse me for a minute, Valerie? Oh, do I have to move? Usually, but, uh, we'll talk about that later.
Yes, John? Sam, I was thinking if you're considering dessert, I'd like to recommend the Grand Marnier soufflé for two.
It's quite elegant.
The only thing is, you have to order it at least a half an hour ahead Oh, please, don't take her away from me, Sam.
She's the only daughter I've ever had.
Please, Sam, please.
Oh, John, I-I was just taking her out to annoy you.
I had no idea it would cause such genuine pain.
I'll give you anything you want, Sam.
You want your poolroom and both bathrooms rent-free, fine.
Just promise me you'll never see Valerie again.
Oh, John, what kind of guy do you think I am? I mean, how can I go along with a sleazy arrangement like that? Oh, boy, oh, boy.
I'll give you my parking space for your Corvette.
I'm telling you guys, it was beautiful.
Yeah? I now have my poolroom and my bathrooms rent-free, but better yet, I had the guy in tears.
Look at that-- I got some of them right there on the napkin.
Very nice.
Now, what are you gonna do about the date with the girl? What? Oh, thank you, ooh.
(laughing): I forgot.
Sam, I finished all the oysters and I'm feeling kind of funny.
What do you want to do now? Actually, Val, I'm kind of busy here.
Uh, a problem's just come up.
Uh, something with the kegs here.
The kegs are leaking.
What?! He's feeding her a line, stupid.
Well, you don't joke about that kind of thing, ever.
VALERIE: Well maybe when you're through here we can go for a drive.
Oh, I don't know.
Uh, these kegs are a never-ending problem.
I'm thinking of getting rid of them, actually.
Hey, I don't find this kind of thing funny.
Okay, maybe it's me.
Well, maybe we can do it another time.
Uh I don't, I don't think so.
I-I don't think things are working out, Valerie.
All right.
Was it something I did? Oh, no, no-no, no, no.
Uh, you know, some things work out, some things don't.
This is one of those that just didn't work out.
Well, bye.
(snaps fingers) I tell you, man, this is the best deal I've ever scammed.
I get my poolroom and my bathrooms rent-free, and all I had to do was throw a little fish back I didn't want anyway.
CLIFF: Yeah, way to go, Sammy.
You want to, uh, go shoot some stick in your poolroom? No, I don't think so.
Well, how'd you like to wash your hands, Sam, in your bathroom? No, no.
What do you want Sam? I want that little fish back.
Yes! Oh, we're tied! We're tied! (shouting) Carla, give us the ball.
No, this is an evil game and it brings a curse on anyone who plays it.
I'm just trying to save you guys.
Oh, come on, Carla.
It's just a harmless foosball game.
We're just having fun.
So look, here, you drop the ball so I can tear the heads off these pasty-faced geeks and drink their warm, red blood! Did my head just turn completely around? Or was that just a trick of the light? I can't believe I traded her for bathrooms.
Sam, give me a break.
The only reason you're interested in that girl is because you can't have her.
It was the same thing with me.
You wanted her, too, Miss Howe? Boy, I've been in this city one month too long.
No, no Woody he wanted me because he couldn't have me.
You know, Sam, if I told you right now you could have me, I bet you wouldn't even be interested.
Maybe, but I'd, uh, still perform 'cause I'm a professional.
So, uh, Sammy.
What is it now? What are you gonna do? I'm gonna see her again.
FRASIER: Sam, if you do that, you may end up having to pay rent again on the poolroom and on the bathrooms.
Why is that? Well, if you take an action, you'll have to face the consequences.
No, I don't.
I'm Sammy.
Where have you been all these years? Oh, right.
I forgot, you're Nietzsche's Superman.
CLIFF: Oh, yeah.
Is that the one with the craggy face, uh, looks like granite? No.
No-no, that's, uh, Bizarro Superman.
Oh, wait, which one was weakened by red Kryptonite? Blue Superman.
I thought he was black and he wore the big hats.
No, that's Super Fly.
Woody, come over here, man.
I want you to run a note up to Valerie for me.
"I'm sorry for everything.
"Would you please go away with me this weekend? I can't stop thinking of you.
" Take it upstairs.
Just make sure her father doesn't get this, all right? No sweat, Sam.
You know, back in Hanover, I was the official town go-between.
Anytime anybody needed a love note delivered, they'd call on Woody Boyd.
It got to where all I had to do was knock on a door, my butt was filled with birdshot.
All right, I got the ball.
All right.
Foos 'em if you got 'em, come on.
Let's go! Fools! Nonbelievers! Can't you see what this evil machine has done? Look, you're trapped! You're spending every minute of every day in this bar.
We always do that.
Yeah, but now you're doing it standing up.
NORM: Ooh, that is kind of eerie.
FRASIER: Oh, Carla! This machine does not have a demonic capacity! Even if it did, what could it do to you? It's got a tiny little ball.
It's got these-these little plastic men.
Or do you suppose that if you, you stick your hand here into the goal, it'll bite it off? Ow! (screams) (men laughing) See? I'm just playing on your superstitions.
Hey, my hand's caught.
(Norm and Cliff laugh) No, no, it's really caught.
I know, that's why we're laughing.
Oh, good, Woody, did you deliver the note there? Uh, yeah.
Well, I-I couldn't find Miss Hill, so I waited around a while and ended up leaving it with Reuben, the busboy.
Oh, good, thanks, man.
Yeah, he's-he's really looking forward to the weekend.
He wants to know what he should wear.
Woody, Woody, didn't you tell Reuben that the note was for Valerie? Oh, Sam, I didn't have the heart.
He was so happy.
He was walking on air.
Sam, this isn't fair.
It's one thing to string me along, but our busboy, Reuben, is in a very vulnerable state.
He just split up with the pastry chef.
No, Valerie! Wait! Val, wait! That note wasn't for Reuben.
That note was for you.
I don't understand.
You just brushed me off.
Oh, no, no, that was-- I just had a problem with the kegs there.
Did that seem like a brush-off to you? I'm sorry.
See, I wouldn't know.
I've never brushed anyone off before.
(scoffs) Listen, I-I really like you a lot, and I'd like to see you again.
You know, maybe we could go up to the Cape for a weekend.
What do you say? I hear it's really nice up there.
I wouldn't know.
I've never been there myself.
(scoffs) What do you say? Gee, it sounds like fun.
All right, uh, just make sure you don't tell your father, all right? Good idea.
You know, you may not believe this, but I get the feeling he'd rather I didn't see you.
Oh, well, that's not the problem, really.
It's just that I don't like to do my romantic stuff in public.
I don't know, you seemed so forward.
You had me sitting on your lap and everything.
I'm sorry.
Did that seem forward? I wouldn't know.
I've never done anything like that before.
(scoffs) (scoffs) (scoffs) What's wrong with them? Oh, uh, well, the blonde has bad sinuses.
The rest of them just have bad attitudes! I feel so stupid.
I can't believe my hand is stuck in this stupid hole.
Breathe easy, Doc.
I brought an expert to help you.
Great! CARLA: Okay, Father.
Get out your holy water and cast Satan from that foosball machine.
Carla, I didn't come to perform an exorcism.
I came because you told me that-that you had a friend who was thinking of converting.
Oh, he will, Father.
Go with me on this one, Fras.
But first, you have to exorcise this foosball table.
Carla, it may surprise you to learn that since Vatican Two, the church does not accept the existence of Satanically-possessed amusement machines.
First you dump Latin, and now this.
What do we pay you guys for, anyway? Well, I know exactly what to do.
You relax and put your faith in me.
You do trust me, don't you? Absolutely, Father.
Good! (screams) (moans) My thumb! Offer the pain up to God for the poor souls, my son.
What?! I think you just lost one, Father.
Boy, it was hard sneaking out of there, but I don't think he saw me.
So you're sure, now, your father doesn't know? Oh, Dad stepped out.
I meant Reuben the busboy.
He's still in tears.
You know, I really feel bad about that.
Maybe I should send him something.
Why don't we just get up to the car here, all right? Sam, I'd like to freshen up before we leave.
Oh, well, all right.
I'll meet you up at the car.
Uh, Sam.
Yeah? I like the way your hair smells, too.
Oh, thank you.
She's really nice, isn't she, Woody? Oh, she's really nice.
And sweet and warm and wonderful.
Yeah? Yeah.
Back in Hanover, me and my brother used to have a name for a girl like that.
Yeah, what's that? Mom.
By the way, Sam, if I ever catch you anywhere near my mother, you'd better pray that God takes you before I do.
Oh, Sam.
I've written up a new agreement stating that since you've agreed to never see my daughter again, you now have full use of the poolroom That's funny, that looks just like my daughter's suitcase.
No, that's mine.
You know what they say at the airport: "Many bags do look alike.
" Isn't that her monogram: V.
? Uh, actually I think it used to belong to Van Halen.
Sam, indulge me.
You're telling me this is your suitcase, so by extension, would this be your negligee? All right, the secret's out.
I'm a transvestite, John.
And a size seven? A guy can dream, can't he? Sam, you are not a transvestite.
Hey, hey, those are fighting words there Daddy? Daddy, you may as well know the truth.
I'm going away with Sam to the Cape for the weekend.
I see.
Well, since there's nothing I can do about it, I'll give you my blessing.
Really? Darling, I have complete faith in you.
If this is the man you want, that's good enough for me.
Wait, all right, wait.
I see what you're doing here.
Yeah, y-you think you think that I just wanted to go out with your daughter 'cause you said that I couldn't.
And now that you say it's okay, you're hoping that I won't want to.
Well, that won't work, because I really like her.
So forget it.
Come on, Valerie.
Let's go.
Gee, I don't know, Sam.
Why? What? Well, it seemed really exciting when Daddy didn't want me to date you.
But now, I don't know.
It just seems like I'd be dating some greasy bartender.
Excuse me? Well Really, you're not exactly my type.
Oh, hey, don't you see what he's doing? Please, Sam.
Let's not prolong this.
The smell of your hair is making me queasy.
Well, Sam, since you've broken the agreement, it seems that once again I have legal title to your poolroom and your bathrooms.
I'll be expecting the rent promptly at the first of every month.
Oh, by the way, I'm doubling the amount.
Have a good evening.
Oh, he's so bad! I hate him! I hate his whole family! I hate everybody he's ever talked to! Well, you know, I may not be able to take his daughter out, and I may have to pay him his stupid rent, but I can still hit him where it hurts.
Yeah, you know something? This is the busiest time in his restaurant, right? Watch this.
Hey, Reuben, get your coat! We're going dancing!