Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - It's a Wonderful Wife

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Sam.
Sorry, they were out of beer nuts and pretzels at the store, but guess what I got? Choco Puffs.
Hey-hey.
Hey, all right.
Haven't had these since I was a kid.
CLIFF: Hey, look at this.
Uh, "90% real sugar, ten percent animal fat.
" God bless America, huh? I always liked eating mine straight from the box.
They still have prizes in these things? Boy, I hope so.
I remember when I was a kid, I got one of those lick- and-stick tattoo books.
Never wore them though.
Felt pretty silly, huh? No, I'm just waiting for a special occasion.
Yep, I got a prize.
Me, too.
Dumb BB game.
Yeah, I got one of those cheap plastic rings.
Oh, great, another tattoo book.
(coughs) Let's see what Cliffie got.
(coughs) Hey, Cliffie got skunked.
(laughing) (coughing, whistling) (coughing, whistling) Oh, Mr.
Clavin got the whistle.
(coughing, whistling) (theme song begins) Making your way in the world today Takes everything you've got Taking a break from all your worries Sure would help a lot Wouldn't you like to get away? Sometimes you want to go Where everybody knows your name And they're always glad you came You wanna be where you can see Our troubles are all the same You wanna be where everybody knows your name You wanna go where people know People are all the same You wanna go where everybody knows your name.
How's your throat doing there, Cliffie? It's still a little sore, Sam.
Oh, well, here's something we used to do in my family.
Ah! Ah! You did that for sore throats? No.
Sam What? My hatcheck girl is missing from her post.
You haven't perchance seen her? What's that supposed to mean? Every time something goes wrong in your restaurant it's my fault? Like I'm the one who's supposed to keep track of all your employees? You know, that really ticks me off.
Sam, I can't get the sofa bed to fold back up.
Miss Kenderson.
For the three weeks you've been in my employ as a hatcheck girl, you've spent most of your time downstairs.
Today, as luck would have it, we actually had a customer with a hat.
And where were you? Taking a break.
It wasn't your break time.
It was mine.
Miss Kenderson, you're terminated.
Get your things and clear out.
Fine.
Sam, in the future, I'd appreciate you keeping your hands off my hatcheck girls.
You know, it's your own stupid fault.
I mean, I wouldn't touch your hatcheck girls if you'd hire some waitresses.
Hello, all.
Happy birthday, Dr.
Crane.
Why, thank you, Woody.
How did you know? Well, you left your wallet here last night, so I was looking through it to find out whose it was.
Are you really gonna donate your internal organs in case of accident? They take them before you die, you know.
Yeah, my uncle was just in a fender bender.
They chased him half way down the block.
Well, thank you for sharing that with me on my, uh, special day.
So, you got some big plans, here? Oh, nothing much.
I've never been one of those who tend to make a big brouhaha.
As my mother always used to tell me, "Don't get excited.
It's just another day of the year.
" You're kidding me, you never had parties when you were a kid? Friends over? Cakes? Ice cream? No.
Well, once I had a a bran muffin with a pat of oleo.
Hey, you know something, hey, I got an idea.
Let's throw Frasier a party here, huh? You know, the bash that he never had, what do you say? Yeah.
Great idea.
(all agreeing) Afternoon, everybody.
ALL: Norm! What's going on, Mr.
Peterson? Another layer for the winter, Wood.
CLIFF: Hey, Norm, did you hear? We're gonna have a big, uh, birthday bash there for Doc Fras.
Yeah, great.
Hey, it'll be exciting, Mr.
Peterson.
We're gonna have cake and ice cream.
Yeah, we can go crazy and order from Pizza-Pizza-Pizza-Pizza.
Oh, what do they serve there? Pizza, you dweeb.
You don't have to bite my head off.
I've never been there before.
I don't know, guys.
I'm just not in the mood for a party.
I got some bad news.
What? Vera lost her job.
(all groaning) CLIFF: Her, too, huh? Boy, this recession is hitting everybody.
Well, they should have gone for the gold and gotten the security of a government job.
Yeah, I'll tell you, I could spit on that mail and chuck it down the sewer, and they couldn't fire me.
How do you know that, Mr.
Clavin? I-I don't.
How about those Celtics, huh? It's too bad, man, about Vera losing her job.
NORM: Yeah.
We have, like, no money coming in at all.
If something doesn't happen soon, I may have to find a job.
You gonna work, Norm? I mean for Vera.
"You gonna work, Norm?" Hi, guys.
Oh, Rebecca, there you are.
I've been looking everywhere for you.
What are you talking about? You're just sitting there on your bar stool.
I know.
This is where I look from.
So what do you need, Norm? Well, it's Vera.
She was, uh, laid off down at the travel agency.
Oh, so you want me to see if I can use my corporate connections to get her another job? No.
You want me to help her out with some professional resume? Well, no.
What do you want, Norm? Well, you see, Vera ripped off a bunch of these frequent flyer vouchers.
And I was wondering if I could trade them in for free beers.
(scoffs) What? What? Okay, somebody's got to go get all this stuff.
I want ice cream, balloons, decorations I nominate Frasier.
I second.
All in favor.
ALL: Aye! You guys are the greatest.
Let the party begin.
The birthday boy is here, and I've got the balloons.
CARLA: Hey, congratulations, Frasier, on a job well done.
Well, thank you very much.
I'll, uh, be right back, Sam.
Ah I love birthdays.
PETE: Hey.
Isn't that that French guy who's trying to steal Woody's girlfriend? Ah, yeah, what a slimebag.
Yeah, the man's got the morals of a snake.
I can believe he'd show his face in here.
Hello, fellows.
Hey.
Hey, Henri, how're you doing? HENRI: Ah, Woody.
Let's hurry and take your picture.
I have plans, huh? Oh, yeah, I know.
You want to steal my girlfriend.
No.
I could never take Kelly away from you.
Why, just this morning, Kelly was telling me how much she loves you.
Really? Yes.
It got so annoying, I almost had to kick her out of the shower.
Is that a joke? Ah! But of course.
(laughing) Are you ready? Yeah, I-I just shaved.
How's my face look? Mm, as smooth as your girlfriend Kelly's bottom.
Is that a joke? (laughing): But of course it is.
You have to shave much closer.
(laughing) Where is this, uh, this, uh, American sense of humor I've heard so much about? Uh, bring me a soda and pay for it, Woody.
Woody, you don't even like this man.
He's been bothering you ever since he followed your girlfriend back from Paris.
And now you're paying him to photograph you? Well, he just borrows money from me anyway.
This way I don't have to worry about him paying me back.
It's good you worked that out, Woody.
Yeah, besides, this is the first formal picture I've had taken since my high school yearbook.
I hated that one.
Darned cowlick.
Oh, yeah, when your hair all stands up like that? Uh-uh.
Sam? A thought occurs.
Mmm? I always have such trouble trying to figure out what to get Frasier for his birthday.
Mm-hmm.
Do you think perhaps he'd like a photograph of me? Why? I mean Of course he would.
Why would any man not want a picture of his wife? I agree.
A picture of you is what every man wants.
May I have the honor of taking it? Well, perhaps.
But I must warn you.
I've had bad luck with photographers.
It seems they always overexpose the film, and I come out looking white as a ghost.
Oh.
I could put roses in your cheeks.
And then afterward, maybe I could photograph you.
Why don't you come this way? Uh, what do you think you would like to be wearing? Uh an evening gown? A black lace teddy? My strong male hands? I wasn't thinking of anything like that.
Oh, come on, Lil, loosen up.
Let him snap you in some lingerie.
Guys love dirty pictures of their babes.
Hey, Nick always used to take them of me until one time I smashed his camera and broke his nose.
Oh, you got in a fight, huh? No, fell off the monkey bars.
Thank you, Carla.
Uh, I was thinking more of a photograph of me he could put in his office.
Mm-hmm.
A nice formal portrait.
Ah, with just a hint of smoldering sensuality dancing behind your eyes.
Well, that goes without saying.
Well, uh, let's just take a few test shots, uh? Just to, uh, loosen you up before we go back to the studio? Okay.
Hey, I thought you were here to take my picture.
And I thought I ordered a soda.
You got a point there.
Okay, okay.
Good.
Serious.
Happy.
Seductive.
Angry.
Playful.
Have you ever modeled professionally? Goodness no.
Oh, I know you're lying.
Come, let's go back to the studio.
Tres bien.
Como? You said, "Let's go back to the studio," and I said, "Tres bien.
" No, I'm sorry, I don't understand this.
Tres bien.
Ah, oh, "Tres bien"! I see I'm going to have to teach you the French tongue.
Hey, Henri, I have your soda.
Henri? Woody, he left.
Well, all right, then I'll just drink his soda.
No, I can't do that.
That would be wrong.
Hi, guys.
Rebecca! How did it go with Vera? It went great.
I just love her.
And guess what? I think I landed her a pretty good job.
You're joking.
No, no, I still have the touch.
I helped her with her resume.
Where is she working? Then I got her prepped for the interview.
Where's she working? I even loaned her my lucky scarf.
Yeah, but where is she working? VERA: Norm! Vera! What are you doing up there? VERA: Check your hat, Mister? (screaming) I'll, uh, I'll be right back.
Hey, Norm, we need you.
Pete just hit a bull's-eye and doubled off.
You're our last hope.
Norm? Norm? She's up there.
What? Listen.
(steps thudding above) You hear that? Hear what? Vera.
She's crossing over to the coffee machine.
No, wait, they could be moving the piano.
Nah, it's her.
Come on, man.
I know that walk.
You can't hear her all the way up there.
I wish I couldn't, Sam, believe me, but that walk is burned into my brain.
I've heard it in snow boots.
I've heard it in flip-flops.
I've heard it in bare feet.
Click-click, click-click, click-click.
Let the birthday fun begin, Sam! The balloons have entered the building.
Say, where are the guys? They're in the poolroom.
Oh, jeez, I'm missing all the fun at my own birthday party.
Hey, wait up guys! Hey, be careful back there.
The dart tournament started.
(balloons popping) I hate this bar.
Norm, Vera's doing a really good job up there.
She is just terrific! And funny! Listen to this.
How many fat guys does it take to change a lightbulb? I don't know.
You can't get a fat guy to change a lightbulb.
You can't even get him to come home on Christmas Eve.
(laughing hysterically) Oh, she was telling some real cute stories about you, too, Norm.
Hey, why didn't you ever tell us that your real first name was Hilary? Oh, who cares about that? Hey, guys! Norm's real first name is Hilary! (laughing) Hey, wait a minute.
Isn't that a girl's name? Hilary was my grandfather's name and he once killed a man who laughed at him.
What, he just up and killed somebody for laughing at his name? Not exactly.
He was a surgeon.
He sort of botched an operation.
Norm, you don't have to be defensive.
I think Hilary's a very masculine name.
In fact, I think you ought to have it monogrammed on your purse.
Let the party begin! All right! You got the balloons, huh? Well, actually, no.
They were out of balloons.
Fortunately, a colleague of mine was kind enough to give me a box of surgical gloves.
If you can't have a good time with four dozen rubber inflated hands, you're just not trying.
Frasier, I've been waiting for you.
Happy Birthday.
Well, darling, for me? Now, Frasier, you know that in the past some of my birthday presents to you have been a little dull.
So, this year, I decided to try something a little more adventurous.
I thought to myself, "What would my husband think of a provocative photograph of his demure wife stretched out languidly on a bearskin rug?" ALL: Whoo-hoo! Lilith, surely you're joking.
I am not.
(bar patrons whistle and howl) Whoo! Well, you're right.
That certainly is a bearskin rug.
And that is definitely you.
Oh, how erotic.
I guess we'll have to keep the negatives.
We'd hate to have them falling into the hands of Fully Dressed Woman's Monthly.
Frasier, you're forgetting what a cheeky monkey I can be.
It's a gag gift.
If you wanted us to gag, you should have taken a nudie.
Well, you're right, darling.
And it's hilarious.
I'll be sure to put this right up in my workshop.
You don't have a workshop.
Then I'll put it in the closet.
By the way here are the rest of the photographs from the session.
Why, Lilith, these are You, you're practically You're only wearing a Oh, baby, baby! Happy birthday, Frasier.
Would you like to go home and get a better look at those? I sure would.
Oh, uh, you can come, too.
Well, that's it.
I'm out of here.
"Out of here"? Norm, it's 9:30.
It's not closing time.
NORM: I know.
I'm still leaving.
Oh, well, I'll drive you, then, okay? No-no-no, I don't need a ride.
I didn't even have any beers.
I hope you're happy, woman.
Look, guys, uh I can't keep hanging around here.
Knowing that she's up there just spoils the whole thing for me.
I'll have to find another bar, I guess.
I don't believe this! You're just gonna up and walk out of here? Oh, I'm gonna say something that I thought I'd never say, but dibs on the first stool! Hey, come on! Listen, Cheers wouldn't be Cheers without you.
You're the reason why people come here.
Oh, what people? Well, the delivery man, for one.
(Norm screams) She's up there.
She's everywhere.
Is she like multiplying? Vera? (Vera crying) Are you okay? Norm Rebecca, have I thanked you for sending me the new hatcheck girl? No, John, you haven't.
Well, here's why.
She was worse than the last one and I fired her.
Hey, do you want to tell me why you fired Vera? Who are you? I'm her husband, Norm.
Oh, yes.
I didn't recognize you without a bar growing out of your chest.
Well, I fired her because she wasn't paying attention to her work.
What are you talking about? She's a very conscientious worker.
How would you describe a woman who spends all her time on her hands and knees looking through a knothole in the floor? I knew it! Yep, there it is! There it is! My good man, you have my sympathy.
To be married to her must be quite an ordeal.
Hey, take that back! What? Take that back! You're talking about the woman I love! I want you to take that back before I turn you into a pretzel! Well, that's a shape I'm sure you're familiar with.
I am not kidding! All right, all right.
I take it back.
I apologize.
All right.
Now just go on back upstairs before I pound you into a a beer nut! Well, thank you.
I'm tiring of the theme.
Wow! Norm, that was sweet.
You stood up for your wife.
Shh, shh, shh.
No, no, no, don't be embarrassed.
Everyone didn't see that, did they? We saw it.
I took a picture.
Norm, so what if they did? You're right.
Listen, I joke around a lot, but she's all I've got.
I don't know what I'd do without her.
I love her.
That's sweet.
You know, she's, she's still up in the stairwell crying.
Oh, I know.
She'll, she'll go away after a while.
Yeah, there she goes.
You gotta love her!