Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - Carla Loves Clavin

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Okay, Rebecca, uh, here's the deal.
I'll paint the whole office, including woodwork, and, uh, it'll run you Oh, no, that's 400 beers.
The "B" with the slanty line through it.
It's kind of my own special currency.
It's a deal.
Oh, and, Norm, remember-- this time Sam wants something really simple.
Oh, yeah.
I've got some, some choices here.
Um, I've got sand white, uh, ivory white, off-white, Navajo white They all look just alike.
Well, they're different.
Are you sure? Well, yeah.
Of course I'm sure.
What do you think? I'm trying to push one color on you? I mean, I resent that, Rebecca.
Oh, I'm sorry.
No, that one's fine, right there.
Oh, cream white.
Mm-hmm.
Excellent choice.
And, as luck would have it, I happen to have 42 gallons of it in my garage.
(theme song begins) Making your way in the world today Takes everything you've got Taking a break from all your worries Sure would help a lot Wouldn't you like to get away? Sometimes you want to go Where everybody knows your name And they're always glad you came You wanna be where you can see Our troubles are all the same You wanna be where everybody knows your name You wanna go where people know People are all the same You wanna go where everybody knows your name.
Well, good morning, Sam.
Yeah? What's good about it? Well, you have your health, a good business, and friends who put up with your violent mood swings.
Yeah.
I'm sorry.
It's just I got some bad news.
You guys all remember the Miss Boston Barmaid contest? Oh, yeah.
That's the annual contest where they try to find the most talented and efficient waitress in Boston, which-- surprise, surprise-- always turns out to be the babe with the biggest honeydews.
Right.
Well, this year they're holding it at Cheers.
All right! All right! No, no, no, no.
No, It's not what you think.
They changed all the categories here.
Listen to this-- speed, efficiency, memorization, personal warmth, courtesy.
I mean, it's like bra size doesn't even exist anymore! Well, Sam, they're just trying to keep pace with the current social enlightenment.
I mean, how would you like to be judged solely on the basis of your looks and your body alone? I'd love it.
I'd win.
The whole contest has gone to hell.
I mean, believe me, I-I, I really presented my case to the contest committee.
See, I made a graph here.
Look at this.
Now, these the bust measurements of all the winners since 1976, and almost to a woman, they're over a 38.
What's this one that dips way down here? Uh, that's the year Diane won.
It's no good.
It's just no good at all.
I think I'm gonna write my councilman.
Oh, what am I talking about?! My councilman's a babe, too! God, the whole world's crowding in on me! Carla, you gonna try out for this contest? I don't think so.
Well, you heard Sam.
It's not about looks this year.
Thank you, Woody.
You should do it, Carla.
Look, I know I'm a good waitress.
I don't need some obnoxious dork in a cheap suit telling me I'm the best.
But you are the best.
I just said I didn't need that.
Besides, even if I did win, what would I get? A lousy ten bucks and a handshake? Well, it says here you get a brand new Mazda Miata.
Get out of town.
Just for doing my job? Mm-hmm.
Oh I'm gonna get myself this Miata.
All right.
Yeah.
Uh! Uh-oh.
Snag.
What about warmth, personal courtesy? What about me shoving this brochure up your nose? You're a shoo-in.
I couldn't help but notice, for the last couple of days you have just been sitting here doing nothing.
Hi.
I'm Norm Peterson.
Obviously, we haven't met.
This really bothers me.
Why? Because, because you have a job to do and instead, you are just sitting here talking to Cliff all day long.
I mean, you're not even trying.
Rebecca, do you get Cheers? I mean, do you understand the concept? I want to see some work by the end of today.
If you can't get the job done, I will hire a professional.
Oddly enough, that's what Vera said on our honeymoon.
So, uh, how're you gonna get out of this one? Relax, Cliffy, I got it covered.
I have a new industrial paint sprayer.
Gets the job done in a couple of hours.
Very clever.
Mm-hmm.
It was invented by the Japanese so they could paint, you know, more efficiently and quickly.
Whereas you will use it to drink more beers, watch more TV, and put off everything until the very last minute.
Right.
You see, they're way ahead of us in technology, but they don't have our creativity.
Hey, Doc, how do you think I look for the contest? Well, my goodness, Carla, that is a jaunty bow! Yeah.
Where did you get it? Well the first job I ever had was, uh, at this greasy spoon when I was 15.
There was this old waitress there, named Cora.
She taught me everything I know about waiting tables.
Anyway, on, uh, her last day, the day they were carting her off to the nursing home, she gave me this bow.
She told me to wear it with pride because being a waitress is a wonderful thing.
Carla, that's quite a story.
Now, if the judges are as sappy as you, I get me a new car! (laughing) Carla.
(clears throat) Honey, I just want you to know that I've got some moral problems with this contest.
It's not gonna get in the way of me hoping you win.
Yeah.
Well, thanks, Sam.
Yeah.
Now, would you give me my button over there? Oh.
Here.
"My name's Carla and I love your smile.
" (chuckles): Here.
Boy, you're really prepared to go all the way for this.
Yeah.
I got a button that says that, too.
Think I should wear it? No, no.
I'd stick with the smile thing.
Right.
Could I have some service? Coming! Hi.
I'll be your waitress today.
How may I serve you? I want a martini.
Dry.
D-R-Y.
And that means light on the vermouth.
And I want a twist, not an olive.
Very well, sir.
Uh, uh, read that back to me.
I don't want any mistakes.
One martini, very dry.
You forgot the twist.
Twist it is.
I'll twist his big ears off.
Take it easy, take it easy.
He wants a very dry martini with a twist.
What'd you do that for? It's nothing personal.
I was just letting off steam.
Then why don't you push Norm off his stool? You don't know much about physics, do you? Don't forget the twist! Let me see my brochure.
I gotta get a look at my car.
Oh Yes.
(laughs) Oh, it's worth it.
It's worth it.
Yeah.
Carla, this must've fallen out of your folder.
It says "List of Judges.
" Are you kidding? That's supposed to be top secret.
Oh, my God.
This is the best thing that's ever happened to me.
I'm gonna know who they are.
Now all I have to do is kiss up to the squids on that list and I'll be driving home in a nice, new convertible.
All right.
Who are they, Woody? David Murphy, Cliff Clavin and Frank Smith.
(yells) Now, who is Frank Smith, and why is Carla so mad at him? And now, on top of everything else, I've got this huge headache outta nowhere.
They picked Clavin to be a judge.
What could they have been thinking of? Aw, they probably want someone, you know, with lot of bar experience, and he has been hanging around here a lot, you know.
Yeah, well, so's Norm.
Why didn't they pick you, Norm? Well, maybe they did.
I haven't opened my mail in a while.
Once my Unemployment ran out, all the incentive was gone.
No doubt about it, these things were a lot easier on all of us when they were just bimbo contests.
You know, if this this is the new age of enlightenment, why, why does it hurt so many people? Norm, I gotta ask you a question.
All right.
You know, over the years, I've been pretty bad to Clavin.
Mmm.
And I've done some things that maybe I shouldn't have.
Mm-hmm.
Called him names.
Punctured his tires.
Set fire to his hair.
What's the question? Do you think he noticed? (snorts) You made this guy eat a bug once.
Come on, that's a birthday the guy's never gonna forget.
Okay, I'll send him flowers.
Carla, that bug laid eggs in his stomach.
Yeah.
That was kind of a bonus.
Oh God.
I might as well just chop this phony bow.
Aww.
You're right, Norm.
It's hopeless.
I'm never gonna win anything.
Come on.
No, really.
You know, I thought it was my turn.
I thought that, for once in my life, I was gonna be recognized for being the best at what I do.
Now, because of Clavin, I don't even get the chance.
All right, well, why don't you try this? Actually be nice to Cliff.
Listen to his stories.
Treat him like a friend.
(laughs): I'm sorry.
It's the beer talking.
Well, that, uh, Paul, in a nutshell, is the history of Western civilization.
You were right to come to me.
I didn't come to you, Cliff.
I was, uh, waiting to use the phone.
Go on, Cliff.
I'm listening.
I'm interested in Western civilization.
You all right, Carla? Beat it, lard butt! Thank God.
I thought I was hallucinating.
Interested, huh? Oh, yeah! That's funny.
You, uh, you never listened to me before.
I listen to you all the time, Cliff.
Yeah, as a matter of fact, I often go home and tell the kids about this very, very smart man at work.
Why are you so mean to me all the time? Mean? Well, like when you knocked me off that stool.
Knocked Oh, no! Oh, no, that was just an affectionate nudge, you, you old silly billy.
Well, that, that did sort of hurt my back a little bit.
Oh You know, I wondered if you might Uh, no, never mind.
I could never ask you.
Oh, no, Cliff.
Uh, would you like me to get you something for your back? Some, uh, heating pad or some Doan's Pills? Well, well, you know a little, uh, back rub might help a little.
Wouldn't you rather have a heating pad or some Doan's Pills? Right there between the, uh, scapuli.
Why, uh, sure.
Oh, that feels good.
Ah! You know, Carla, what the heck.
I'll just take off my shirt and you can come in the office with me and really knead the flesh.
(makes tire squealing sound) Okay.
But if I'm not out of there in 15 minutes, nail that door shut, call my kids and tell them I died in a hideous explosion.
I wouldn't want them to know the truth.
(sighs) How's that painting job coming along, Norm? Ah, swear to God, I would be in there painting this very moment, but, uh, Carla's using the room.
She's giving Cliff a massage.
Oh, please! Give me a break.
Oh, dear.
See? Yes, I see.
Now if you could just get the rest of that office half as white as Cliff's upper body, I'd be happy.
Woody, a beer for Cliff, please.
And, uh, I have to get, four, five, six pretzels with the salt brushed off just one side.
(sobbing): I touched his skin! Oh, horror, horror! You might pretend it's something less repulsive.
Less, less repulsive than Cliff's naked back? Oh! You mean like a dead animal lying on the side of the road squirming with maggots? Precisely.
Visualize.
Visualize! Yeah! I think that can work.
Thanks, Doc.
It's only maggots.
It's only maggots.
Boy, that Carla sure is smart, buttering up to Mr.
Clavin so she'll win.
Wish I'd had those smarts when I was doing the county fair circuit with my hog Maribelle.
Rule number one: you got to schmooze.
You gotta go to the right parties.
You gotta sell out.
I wouldn't.
So I brought Maribelle home a loser.
It broke my heart.
How was Maribelle? Not bad with applesauce.
Carla, you've really got strong, peasant hands.
Thank you, Cliff.
It's really quite a refreshing change, you being nice to me all of a sudden.
It's not all of a sudden.
It's like when you're in third grade when you tease the boy you secretly like the most.
You mean the whole third grade secretly liked me? Forget it.
Wait a minute, Carla, are you trying to say you like me? Well Oh, come on, don't be shy.
Say it.
Say it so the guys can hear it.
I like you.
I said it.
Doc, I feel like I'm gonna explode.
What should I do? Find some way to release the tension.
Good thinking.
Oh! Oh! Oh, thank you.
I feel a lot better.
Thank you.
Carla, you know, you did such a good job with the back rub, now my feet are jealous.
Allow me.
I rubbed his feet.
I rubbed his feet! Carla, Carla, Carla, come on.
Cut it out.
You've been washing your hands with kerosene for half an hour.
They're clean! No, not yet, Sam.
Get me a match.
Carla, it couldn't have been that bad.
Like hell.
I didn't look, but I'm sure I felt six toes on his left foot.
If the judges will please come forward and the contestants will take their places, we're ready to begin the 53rd Annual Miss Boston Barmaid Contest.
Uh, uh, I'll be right there.
I'm just gonna go get the other judge.
What other judge? Cliff Clavin.
Sorry.
I don't know a Cliff Clavin.
Well, what, what about this? Oh, I'm sorry, miss.
That's not official.
Someone must be having fun with you.
Hey, uh, Carla, you still got that little brush? Uh, you left a couple of crumbs on my mustache.
You know, Cliff, uh, I think you, uh, ought to keep those crumbs.
They're gonna need 'em to identify your body.
You set me up! You put your name on that list just so that I would be nice to you! EMCEE: Contestant number one? (sweetly): Yes? If you'll take your place with the other contestants we can begin.
(groans) I have to go be in the contest now, Cliff.
Why don't you make your peace with God? Are you nuts?! Did you think you were gonna actually get away with that? You know you're dead now, don't you? Eh, I know, Norm.
Some men have a mission.
Uh, guys climb Mount Everest.
Other guys walk on the moon.
Yeah, either of those would be a pretty good hiding place for you right now.
I topped them all, yessiree.
I had Carla rub my bare feet.
I'm gonna have that etched on my tombstone.
You can start working on it just about now.
Contestant number one, you're first.
Our first category will be speed followed by memorization, personal warmth, courtesy and drink knowledge.
SAM (high voice): What about the bikini round? We're well aware of your views, Mr.
Malone.
And now let the contest begin.
EMCEE: Thank you.
Very nicely done.
That concludes our competition.
As the judges tally their votes, let's have a big round of applause for all of our contestants.
Sammy, You did great.
oh, Sammy, I've really got a shot at this.
Yeah.
You know, I hate to admit it, but I think it might be because of you, Clavin.
What do you mean? Well, I took all that energy I was gonna use to kill you, and I put it into doing the best job I could.
Oh, yeah, yeah, well, then my secret strategy worked, huh? Well, I hope you enjoy the car, Carla.
And, uh, just remember who made it all possible.
EMCEE: If the contestants will please be seated.
Ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner.
Oh, it's me, it's me, it's me, I feel it! The proud owner of a brand-new and our new Miss Boston Barmaid is Miss Shawnee Wilson! But she spilled all the drinks.
Who cares? Look at her.
I won! I won! I won! I won! I won! I won! No, no, you won! I won! I won! I won! And let's not forget our Miss Congeniality award.
It goes to contestant number one, Cheers' own Carla.
That's quite a big trophy, miss.
I hope you have room for it.
I'll make room.
Mr.
Mailman! Oh, look out! I'm so happy you won that contest.
You know, it just shows that the world hasn't gone crazy.
That, you know, deep, deep inside, people are basically good.
That they can see through the rules and the regulations, you know, and pick out the inner diamond.
I won the shiny red car.
I know you did, honey! Woody, where's Norm? Is he in the bathroom? No.
Is he putting money in the meter? No.
Don't tell me he is actually (bang, hissing sound) NORM: Whoa! (hissing stops) Relax.
It-it-it dries much lighter.