Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - Pitch It Again, Sam

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Hey, guys, guess what followed me home.
A slime trail? This cute little fellow right here.
Huh? Isn't he sweet? The cutest little dog you've ever seen, huh? What you gonna do with him, Cliff? Oh, I, I thought we'd just keep him in the bar here, Sam, you know, kind of like a bar mascot.
Guys, I kind of thought I was the bar mascot.
I don't think so, Cliffy.
All right, Sammy.
Come on, Spotty.
Bye-bye, Spotty.
Oh, how cute.
Hi, little fellow.
What's his name? Well, this is, this is Spotty, huh? Isn't he cute? Yeah, he's kind of like the-the bar mascot.
Hey, you know, he and I are about to take a bath.
Would you like to join us? (theme song begins) Making your way in the world today Takes everything you've got Taking a break from all your worries Sure would help a lot Wouldn't you like to get away? Sometimes you want to go Where everybody knows your name And they're always glad you came You wanna be where you can see Our troubles are all the same You wanna be where everybody knows your name You wanna go where people know People are all the same You wanna go where everybody knows your name.
Hey, Mr.
Clavin, if you're looking for a home for the dog there, I'd be happy to take him.
Ah, no, Woody.
You see, Spotty here is a thoroughbred puppy.
Needs a lot of attention, a lot of care, needs a lot of space.
I'll give you five bucks for him.
Here you go.
Any messages? Oh, yeah.
One of your old baseball buddies called, Dutch Kincaid.
I'll be damned.
Wonder what he wants? Probably another home run.
I think you served him up something like 27 in his career.
What did that work out to, Sam? Oh, yeah, uh, one for every time he faced you.
That was a long time ago.
Poor guy's probably down and out-- wants to borrow a few bucks from me.
He wants you to show up for Dutch Kincaid Day at Yankee Stadium.
They're having a Dutch Kincaid Day at Yankee Stadium? Yeah.
They're bringing him back for one more time at bat before the game.
He wants you to pitch to him.
Smart guy, that Dutch.
He's gotta be kidding.
Why the hell should I want to help him? I, I'm gonna get on a plane and fly down to New York just to give him some free publicity? What are you worried about? You afraid he's gonna pop one out and you're going to have to see the old Dutch Windmill again? What is the Dutch Windmill? Oh, every time Dutch hit a homer, he used to do this little dance while he ran around the bases.
It's kind of his trademark.
Yeah, if memory serves, it was something like this.
He'd have that left arm pumping, and the right arm like a windmill, and wiggle his fanny back and forth.
NORM: No, no, no, more like this.
No, Norm, less jiggle.
I haven't started dancing yet.
Hey, this is fun.
Did you have a trademark, Sam? Shut up and leave me alone.
Actually, Sam, that's more of a motto.
No, come on, man, don't let him lick your Ew! Don't let him lick your lips like that.
Oh, it's okay.
You know, it's an interesting fact that that dog's mouth is probably cleaner than anybody's in this bar.
There's a shock.
Fras, how about you? You want to play with the puppy? I don't know.
Uh, my mother never allowed me to have a puppy when I was a boy.
Consequently, she instilled in me a slight fear of animals.
I'd say it's about time you got over that.
Come on, now, Spotty.
I want you to say hello to your Uncle Frasier.
Well, hello, Spotty.
Norm, I, I think Spotty wants to go away now.
He feels pretty comfortable there, doesn't he? Well, did I mention to you that, uh, Spotty wants to buy you a beer? Good boy, Scotty.
Can I help you? Yeah.
I'm looking for a yellow-bellied, runny-nosed has-been.
Hmm, can't make one of those.
I'm out of cassis.
Hello, Dutch.
What are you doing here? I hear you're too chicken to pitch to me, Fluffy.
What's the matter, afraid I'll make you look bad again? I'm not afraid of anything, Dutch.
And I don't have anything to prove, either.
Hey, you know, Malone, if word gets out that you're pitching to me again, it might give the guy the kind of publicity that would put him back in the public eye.
Maybe even in the Hall of Fame.
Oh, get out.
I could never get into the Hall of Fame.
Not you, you pantywaist.
It's Dutch Kincaid Day, not Sam Malone Day.
Man, what an ego.
Find yourself another sucker, will you? Okay.
Have you got a men's room in here? Oh, what am I asking you for? It's in the back.
Yeah, thanks.
Oh, uh, I gave my neighbor's kid a Sam Malone baseball card to stick in his spokes of his bike.
Now, when he rides it, it goes "wimp, wimp, wimp, wimp, wimp.
" Come on, Sammy, let's go.
It would be great to see you pitch again.
No way.
I told him "no" and I meant it.
Come on, the guy is a jerk.
You've got to nail him.
Knock him down a few pegs.
Oh, no.
You're afraid he's still gonna be able to hit you.
Oh, are you kidding me? The guy's a washed-up old has-been.
I mean, he hasn't played for years.
I can strike him out with one hand tied behind my back.
Worth a try, Sammy.
The other way never worked.
That was then, you know.
Now I've got the edge on him.
I'm young.
You know, I'm in good shape.
Aw, shoot.
I've got to remember to warm up before I do that.
So why don't you just go out there and humiliate him for a change? Yeah.
Come on, Sammy.
Yeah, Sammy.
Listen to yourselves, will ya? Have some class.
The guy's an old man.
FRASIER: Good for you, Sam.
I'm impressed by your stand.
It shows real maturity.
Yeah, well, it's gonna take a lot more than a stupid insult to get me to go all the way to New York.
I'll see you later, Underpants.
That does it! All right, I'll see you Saturday.
Yankee Stadium.
That's the spirit.
Listen, and don't worry about getting into the stadium.
Saturday is Ladies Day.
That'll teach you to pinch a lady's butt in a locker room.
Guys giving you trouble? No.
I was teaching them how to pinch a lady's butt in a locker room.
Ah, look at this.
I'm focused, I'm psyched, I'm sober.
Hey, Dutch doesn't stand a chance today? Yeah.
Only one thing missing, huh? I know, Sam.
Yeah, I wish Coach were here.
He is.
ANNOUNCER: Attention, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Call me sentimental, but doesn't this bring back the old days? Yeah.
I want you to get out there, Sammy, grind him into a raw, meaty pulp, spread him on home plate and slide into his guts.
(sobbing): I've got to get a Kleenex.
Hey, Sam Malone.
Cap Richards.
I'm Dutch's personal manager.
I cooked up this whole thing.
Glad I got a chance to talk to you.
Uh, here's how it's gonna work.
Throw the first two pitches however you want.
The third one, though, just float it across home plate, nice and easy.
Oh, what? Yeah, I thought the home run would be more dramatic on the third pitch.
But if you want to do it on the first pitch, like you used to, go ahead.
You've gotta be kidding.
Sam Malone does not take a dive.
Yeah, I came down here to strike this guy out and that's what I'm gonna do.
You know, if he wants to get a hit, he's gonna have to earn it.
Whoa, this is not good.
We have a special ceremony in honor of You ready, Sammy? Yeah.
Dutch Kincaid.
I can strike this guy out, can't I? Of course you can.
Listen, this is your chance to make up for the old days.
It's the last thing anyone's ever gonna remember about Sammy Mayday Malone-- that he struck out Dutch Kincaid.
Now go on out there and smoke three fast ones past that lousy flat-headed bastard.
(sobbing): I need to get another Kleenex.
Yeah? Huh? Oh.
Excuse me, are you Sam Malone? Yeah.
Wh-wh-what's your name? Billy Kincaid.
How do you do, Billy? Oh, now you wouldn't, you wouldn't be a relation to Dutch Kincaid would you? He's my grandpa.
I've heard all his neat stories about how you used to help him hit those long home runs.
I never got to see one, though.
I sure hope I can see one today.
I may have to disappoint you there.
This is the last time Grandpa's ever going to play.
It's today or never.
Go away, will you? Go on.
My two brothers and my baby sister are all watching at home.
None of us ever saw him hit a home run.
Give me a break, will you? Grandpa told us he wants to hit a ball so hard, it'll go up to heaven, so Grandma can say hello.
ANNOUNCER (over PA): Now pitching, Sam Malone.
Yeah, all right.
Hey, how'd it go? Great.
Need me to scalp any tickets? No, no, you've done enough for today.
Thanks, Vinnie.
Hey, you guys aren't supposed to be in here.
That's all right, we're with Sam Malone.
We're his personal trainers.
So you're okay down here? (chuckles) We know our way around a dugout, pally.
Look out, Cliffy.
Boy, that ball girl's really got an arm, huh? Here you go, Toots.
Aw, Norm.
What? Barbecue sauce got all over the nachos.
Hey Hey Hey, guys, did I miss anything? Sam hasn't started yet.
Where you been? Oh, I've been visiting the other team.
I ran into somebody I used to get hot and sweaty with.
Who's that? The other team.
And now, stepping to the plate to face Sam Malone, the man we all turned out today to honor Dutch Kincaid.
(applause) Boo-o-o-o! Boo-o-o-o! Boo-o-o-o! Hey, you guys, come on.
The first pitch.
Okay, Sammy go! Go-go! Come on, Sammy.
(ball thuds in mitt) Oh, yeah! Strike one! Go, Sammy! All right, Sammy.
Look at him out there.
Doesn't he look cool on the mound? Oh, I've got goose bumps.
Yeah, all right, here comes the stretch.
Hey, ram it down his throat, Sammy! Sammy, oh! Come on, Sammy! (ball thuds in mitt) Oh, yeah! Strike two! (wild cheering) Oh, yeah! Bring on the heat, Sammy! He can't hit what he can't see! (loud crack) Apparently, he saw that one.
ANNOUNCER: Look at that ball go.
It may clear the center field fence.
It's going, going, it's out of here! (crowd cheering) Poor Sammy.
Wow, he must feel lousy, huh? Yeah, he's really gonna need our support.
Well, we'll just have to be really nice to him.
We can sneak out of here.
I know a shortcut through the showers.
Better yet.
Too late.
He's seen us.
I know what you're thinking.
But I can explain it.
I know it looked like a home run.
Yeah, our first clue was when the ball actually left the stadium.
Yeah, but it doesn't count 'cause I did it on purpose.
All right.
Oh, sure, Sam.
You let him get a home run off you on purpose.
No, no.
I did it for Kincaid's grandkid.
He wanted to see his grandfather hit a home run, so Well, hell, he can explain it to you.
Yo, hey, Billy! Oh, right, Sam.
Whatever you say.
We believe you.
Why are you using that voice? That's your "I don't believe you" voice.
No it's not, Sam.
I do believe you.
Then why are you still talking Oh, come on, listen, Billy'll tell you everything.
Hey, Billy! Come on, Billy! Sam, Sam.
Come on.
Let's go home.
We get to go on an airplane ride.
And maybe when we're up there, we'll get to see that pitch you served Dutch.
I'm telling you, I did it on purpose.
I swear to God.
There was this kid Come on, Billy! This isn't funny! 78, 79 If you keep moving around, Spotty, I'm not gonna be able to get an accurate count.
One, two, three, four Woody.
five I guess you've given up on finding his owner, huh? Well, why don't you want me to have this dog, Ms.
Howe? It's not that I don't want you to have the dog, Woody, it's just that I have this this thing about being completely honest when it comes to lost pets.
Okay, when I was ten years old, I had this beautiful Persian cat named Princess.
She only loved me.
She didn't like anybody else in my family.
One day I woke up, Princess was gone.
My mom and dad said that she got out through the bedroom window.
The weird thing is, I could have sworn that bedroom window was painted shut.
It bothered me for years.
Then as you matured, you came to accept the fact that it was your parents who, in fact, got rid of the cat.
What?! My Princess?! They took my Princess?! Oh, boy, me and my big mouth.
Why don't I just go down to the park and tell the little kids about Santa Claus? What about Santa? But we do believe you, Sam.
I'm getting tired of that voice.
You know, I don't care what you guys think.
In my heart, I know I did this ALL: for a little boy and his dead grandmother.
Oh, guys, look.
Spotty fell asleep on my shoe.
He's so sweet.
I just wish I was wearing sandals so I could feel his little puppy breath.
Hi, gentlemen.
What can I get you? Just coffee.
We're on duty.
What's the matter? Well, two weeks ago our dog ran away.
Cutest little puppy you ever saw.
He's just about so big.
Today, Chief made us give up our search.
Woody, I think they're talking about Spotty.
Do you want to say something? No.
Make them go away.
Come on, Woody.
It is obvious that it is their dog.
And give me a break, a Dalmatian, the fire department.
It's a different dog, ratfink.
Just 'cause you lost your stupid cat.
Remember when he was born? Oh-h-h-h.
We each took hour-long shifts feeding him warm milk through an eyedropper.
Remember how he used to fall asleep on my shoe? Yeah.
I can still feel his warm little puppy breath.
(cries) What is it? Nothing.
Go away.
Isn't there a fire somewhere? Oh, the heck with it.
I didn't want him anyway.
He's all covered with spots.
Hey-hey-hey Take him, I didn't know he was yours, honest.
Thanks, kid.
Looks like you took real good care of him.
You know, we had a reward posted-- a hundred bucks.
Oh, I don't care about the money.
I just want what's best for Spotty.
Gee, I'm, sorry, kid.
Now, a ride on a real fire engine might help.
We can't let you do that.
(cries): I miss him so much! All right, come on.
But don't tell anybody.
Yeah! Hey, can I, can I run the siren? No, that would be illegal.
(cries): Oh, geez, Spotty meant everything to me! All right, you can turn on the siren.
Well, can I wear your hat? It's part of the uniform.
Well, can I drive, please, please?! Here, take the dog.
Take the dog.
(crying) We snowed 'em, dude.
Where's little Miss Malone? In the office? Haven't you humiliated him enough? Hey, not as much as he humiliated me.
Hey, Malone! Pull on your pantyhose and get out here.
We've got a score to settle.
Come on, Dutch.
You had your home run.
Why don't we just leave it at that? I'm not gonna leave it at that.
You deliberately threw me a cream puff.
I don't need your charity pitches.
I didn't do it for you.
I did it for your grandkid.
I don't have any grandkid.
What do you mean, you don't have any grandkid? Naw, my personal manager and his kid are always pulling that scam.
That's how I got Dutch Kincaid Day.
This was a setup? I had a chance finally to strike you out in front of a stadium full of people and I had to let it go for a stupid, lousy setup? You never had a chance, Malone.
I can hit anything you can serve up.
Oh, come on.
Give me a break.
My first two pitches went right by you.
Well, I let them go by for the drama.
Drama? You let them go by for the drama? You want drama? I'll give you drama.
Come with me, you, you, come on, right now.
All right.
There's still plenty of daylight out there.
Let's do it.
Yeah, well, I'll be back in about three pitches, fellas.
Two grown men settling a rivalry by throwing a little white ball at a wooden stick.
How pathetic.
Now, boxing that's a man's sport.
Punch a guy in the face and scramble his brains.
That proves something.
Fras, you're coming around, buddy.
Thank you.
Hey, shut up, you guys, Sammy's pitching.
(crack) Oh, my God, there's two moons in the sky.
SAM: All right, lucky hit.
Let's go again.
(crack) Gee, he almost hit a helicopter.
(crack) SAM: Okay, 226 lucky hits.
CARLA: Hang in there, Sammy.
He's old.
He can't live forever.