Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - Rat Girl

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Good morning.
Morning.
What's with the vegetables? Same as always-- they're watching TV.
Sam, I have changed my diet.
I'm finally eating right for the first time in 30 years.
doing the other 12? And I feel so good that I thought we can all work on our diets.
So I'm making up this little vegetable plate.
And I figure if those guys are gonna sit around and eat, they might as well eat something healthy.
I don't think they're gonna like this.
Oh, they'll never even notice.
What the hell is this?! What's wrong? This thing I found in the pretzel bowl.
Oh, my God, what are these? They appear to be orange and green sticks.
CLIFF: I know what they are.
You know, when you go in a restaurant and you order a nice, big, thick, juicy steak and they put this other stuff on the plate that you shove aside? Oh, you mean vegetables? They can't be vegetables.
There's no batter.
You guys, you're not even giving me a chance.
Now, you sit around and you stuff your faces all day long, so why don't you stuff them with something that's good for you? Go ahead.
Try it.
Yeah, it's not bad.
Yeah.
No, try the cauliflower.
It acts like a ladle.
(theme song begins) Making your way in the world today Takes everything you've got Taking a break from all your worries Sure would help a lot Wouldn't you like to get away? Sometimes you want to go Where everybody knows your name And they're always glad you came You wanna be where you can see Our troubles are all the same You wanna be where everybody knows your name You wanna go where people know People are all the same You wanna go where everybody knows your name.
Whoa! Sammy.
I see her.
How do you do that? I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you, Norm.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Uh Come over here for a second, will you? I want to pour you a glass of champagne.
Interesting thing about this bottle: it was presented to me for being the hottest single guy in Boston, but, you know, until you walked through that door, I have never found anyone I wanted to share it with.
I don't drink champagne.
Thanks.
Whoo! What just happened here, guys? Well, you got shot down, Sam.
Uh, you know, you read about those kind of things but you never think they're gonna happen to you.
NORM: Well, you know, maybe she's seeing someone else.
I don't see how that's relevant.
You know, Sammy, maybe she's one of these women who, uh, coaches basketball and does her own carpentry, if you know what I mean.
Let's go with that, shall we, gentlemen? Afternoon, all.
Hey, how's it going, Dr.
Crane? Oh, the usual.
The crying, the tantrums, the bed-wetting.
Yeah.
That's fatherhood.
No, that's my therapy group.
What a bunch of losers.
And I'm sorry.
You know, I'm just a bit stressed today.
Lilith and I have been looking for a preschool for Frederick.
Tomorrow we've got an interview with the administrators of the Magic Hours Learning Center.
You know, I don't get that.
Now, this is your kid, your money-- why aren't you interviewing them? Well, the beauty of private education, Sam, is that they're able to weed out the unacceptable lowlifes.
I just pray I'm not one of them.
Wa-wa-wa-wa-wait a second here.
Uh, what's the matter with public school? I went to public school.
I love you, Cliff.
Don't ever change.
Until I began eating clean, I never realized how good a nice, dry rice cake could taste.
How can you eat those, Miss Howe? They don't have any flavor.
Oh.
If I eat these, I will live longer.
Well, I have a question.
You know how you're always talking about how you hate your life? How come you want to make it longer? Shut up, Woody.
Hello, Frasier.
Darling.
What's wrong? You look so somber.
How can you tell? I took a shot and got lucky.
Frasier, I have some bad news.
This morning-- at 9:00-- Whitey passed away.
Oh, Lilith.
Oh.
CRANE: I'm so sorry.
Just yesterday, he was so young, so vital.
This morning I walked into the lab and found him facedown in his nest of cedar shavings.
Excuse me? You see, Whitey was Lilith's senior, and most cherished, lab rat.
Aw, gee! (grumbling) No, you don't understand.
Usually we don't get attached to the rats, but this one was so special.
We even named him.
Everyone in the lab called him Whitey.
Are you sure they weren't talking to you? No, Carla.
They were talking about Whitey the rat.
Okay, I'll ask again.
Are you sure they weren't talking to you? Carla, please! Lilith is mourning the loss of a close friend.
What's the big deal? You go find another rat to hook up to your electrodes.
My research never harmed Whitey in any way.
In fact, he had everything a rat could want.
If he needed it, I gave it to him.
That rat was the envy of others.
You know, that's true, but I got over it.
I miss him so much.
(sobs) Let it out, darling.
I am.
Ooh Here she comes.
Ho-ho.
I'm psyched this time.
I'm psyched.
Hi.
Listen, excuse me for just a second here.
I, I didn't mean to, you know, imply that I was gonna give you the champagne to get you drunk.
I just wanted to get to know you.
You'd have to get me drunk for that.
Ooh! First that other girl, now her twin sister.
I don't know what she's looking for in life, but, well, if she can't find it here, she's not gonna find it anywhere.
Paul! You ready? Yeah, let's go.
Paul? See you later, guys.
Don't wait up.
You know, this isn't really happening.
No, no, no, no.
In a few seconds, I'm gonna wake up in my own bed covered in sweat.
Okay, here we go.
Ooh, this is gonna be a long one.
I feel great.
I've been eating clean for 12 hours now and I feel like I have a whole new body.
I have more energy, and I-I just feel better.
I'm a celebration of life.
Boy, I'll say, Rebecca, and what goes better with a celebration than Ho-Hos? Well Well, Norm, I-I can't think of anything except, maybe Twinkies.
Gentlemen, I have one word for you: Snowballs.
Snowballs! Snowballs! Snowballs are better because they're bite-size.
Good evening, all.
Sam, Glenlivet rocks.
Two.
How you feeling there, Lilith? Life goes on, Sam.
Ah, that's the spirit.
Rather than brood and mourn, Frasier and I have decided to do something a little bit more life-affirming.
We're going to a theater and a late dinner.
I think Whitey would approve.
REBECCA: Lilith, your clinic's on the phone.
I think there's an emergency with one of your patients.
You can use the phone in my office.
Thank you.
Well, we-we've got an 8:00 curtain.
Tell them to take two Thorazine and call you in the morning.
That'll be $7.
50, Dr.
Crane.
Oh, yes, of course.
Oh, gee, I-I've only got big bills.
Well, perhaps Lilith has some change.
Oh, dear God.
What? What is it? Lilith is carrying a dead rat in her purse.
Oh.
Why would she be carrying a dead rat in her purse? Just a wild guess.
A snack? This is not healthy at all.
My wife has gone completely around the bend.
Perhaps I rushed her through the grieving process too quickly.
Oh Oh, the poor woman.
I dare you to look in the purse.
Ha! Dare me? Dare you.
You know, obviously, I've got to dispose of Whitey break this fixation, then deal with the repercussions as they occur.
Eww.
Eww.
Yeah, I looked first.
I bet you won't kiss him.
You two are sick! Oh, yeah.
We've got a big problem.
Obviously, Lilith is having trouble breaking this attachment on her own.
I've got to be the man and handle this in a mature fashion.
Eww, eww, eww, eww! Eww! Is everything all right? Yes, it was a false alarm.
So nothing was wrong? No.
One of my patients set off a false alarm, but he's a pyromaniac, so, for him, this is progress.
Oh, Lilith, darling.
Hello.
I've, I've got your purse.
Uh, you know, we don't have time for our drinks, really.
Uh, th-the curtain's in 45 minutes and you know how I hate to be late.
Yes.
It's one of your more endearing compulsions.
Uh, by the way, uh there's something we need to discuss.
You did what?! Darling, I did what I had to do! Shut up! Where is he? (trash cans rattling) Apparently, she's still grieving! Well, 26 hours of eating clean.
And 26 hours of hearing about it.
Oh, good morning there.
Did you sleep okay? Not too well, Sam.
You know, I'd have thought that that couch, after all the acrobatics you've done on it, would have a little more give.
But I appreciate your hospitality.
Anytime, Fras.
You know, I guess I ought to freshen up, huh? This is what it's come to.
Bedding down in a bar, wearing the same clothes for two days in a row.
Yeah, well, the trick, Fras, is to take your sport coat off like that.
Yeah? and stand directly under the air conditioning duct for about, uh ten minutes.
Take it from me, if you do that, you can go another couple days easy.
Are you saying that you sometimes go for days at a time in the same clothes? Oh, yeah, you get a look that works for you, you stick with it.
(laughing): Oh, Paul.
Why is she laughing? Paul's not funny.
(laughing) Does anyone know what Paul does for a living? After all, women are attracted to power.
Uh, I think he's a tollbooth attendant.
Yep, well, that would explain the quarter tips.
I think I know what it is.
Paul's a real nice guy and a good listener.
He probably shows a genuine interest in who she is as a person.
Probably treats her with respect.
Well, if that's the case, he's welcome to her.
Well, is there anything here I can have for breakfast? If you'd like something that's tasty and nutritious, you could spread some of this, uh, bean curd on these fiber-rich bran crackers.
I won't eat that crap.
Frasier, you're a doctor.
You should believe in health and nutrition.
Doesn't mean I have to listen to some tree-hugging, dirt-munching Druid.
I'm sorry.
I'm not exactly what you'd call a morning person.
Dr.
Crane, your wife called.
I didn't want to wake you.
Oh.
She called to apologize? Well, sort of.
Uh, she said for you to meet her at Frederick's school.
You have that interview.
Oh, I completely forgot.
Well, she also said to tell you she knew you'd forget because "you're such an uncaring human being.
"But for once "in your life, think of your child, "comb your few remaining hairs "and wash that canned ham you call a face and get over there.
" You know, now that I reread this it sounds less and less like an apology.
Say, uh, Sammy, could I have a couple of coffees for me and Paula? Paul and Paula? Yeah.
Hey, Paul? What? No, the song, you know, "Hey, Paul.
" Hey, what? CLIFF: No, wait a minute.
You never heard of that old song, "Hey, hey, Paul?" Hey, hey, shut up.
No, no, no, come on.
We're talking about that song from the '60s by Paul and Paula, "Hey, hey, Paula.
" What? Nothing.
Never mind.
Forget I brought it up.
Hey, this has been driving me crazy.
I gotta know something here, Paul.
What, Sam? Well, I'll try to put this as delicately as I can, because you're my friend and I like you, and I don't want to insult you, but why would any girl be caught dead with you when she could be with me? You thought that would offend me? I'm serious.
I mean, what'd you do, slip her a mickey or something? Well since you asked me so nicely, Sam, I'll tell you.
Paula is what we like to refer to as a chubby-chaser.
You're kidding.
You mean, she likes to go out with guys who are who are, uh Portly, Sam.
The word is "portly.
" Did you hear that? She only goes out with guys who are heavy.
Well, you'd be surprised, Sam.
Women like the oddest things.
Take me.
Yeah? What do you like? Nothing.
Just take me.
SAM: This is driving me crazy.
I've gotta fin Excuse me.
Listen.
Apparently, you've been, you know, shooting me down here for the last couple of days because of the way I look.
So? I think it's unfair that you're not willing to get to know the real me.
I think if you did, we could be really good friends.
You want to be friends? Yeah, I do.
Yeah? Okay, well, maybe we could start by you introducing me to some of your friends.
Especially that large and lovely one right over there.
You mean Norm? Yeah.
He's a suitful, isn't he? Oh, thank God.
I didn't miss the interview, did I? Yes, you did.
I've already had it.
They're outside conferring about us now.
What did you tell them about me? I described you in terms which were positively glowing, which is the way I'd like to see you in hell.
So just remember when they come back in to pretend that we love each other.
After that, I go right back to loathing you.
I can't believe that you're willing to destroy our marriage all because of your childish refusal to accept the death of an animal.
The very fact that you think of Whitey as "an animal" proves that we are completely incompatible.
But he was an animal! Well, what-what-what was he? A a a vegetable? A mineral? Oh, I know, he was the CEO of General Motors.
I hate you.
I hate you! Hello.
Hello.
This is my husband, Dr.
Frasier Crane.
He's very sorry he's late, but he's always so busy helping people.
Pleased to meet you.
Won't you sit down? And we'd like to thank you for taking the time to come down here.
It's good to see parents that care so much.
You know, a program like ours requires as much of the parents as the child.
We couldn't agree more.
Right, dear? Oh, absolutely, dear.
Unofficially, I think it's a very good possibility that we'll be able to welcome Frederick to the Magic Hours Learning Center.
Oh, that's wonderful news.
We couldn't be happier.
But before you leave-- would you like to see something precious? Our Sylvia just had babies.
Well, who's Sylvia? The school's pet hamster.
Oh.
Oh, look at that little one in the corner.
He looks just like Whitey.
Who's Whitey? Oh, he was my favorite dead rat that this bastard took and threw in the trash! Don't mind her.
She's just overemotional, and crazy as a loon! I suppose you'd like to take one of these and throw it in the garbage, too? Here, why don't you just bite the heads off these birds while you're at it, Dr.
Death? I am not the one who goes walking around with the decomposing corpse of a rat in my purse.
You're a hateful man.
And you are a troubled, disturbed woman.
But a wonderful mother.
Well, we'll get back to you.
Well, Sam, I've done it.
Blighted my child's hopes of ever getting an education, and probably ruined my marriage as well.
I think my life is over.
Yeah, well, life is tough.
I just got shot down by a chick who likes fat guys.
Oh, Rebecca, do you have any more of those rice cakes? Why? Well, you were right.
They're the perfect food.
Yeah, what's the gag? No, I'm telling you, we've been enjoying them all day, right? You bet.
Really? Yeah.
Well, that's neat.
I'm glad I could make you guys, you know, feel better.
Yeah, I've got a whole new bag of them right down here.
Great.
You guys are gonna feel so much healthier when you eat like this.
I'm not kidding.
You'll have a lot more energy.
Your bodies will feel lighter.
Your reflexes will be sharper.
Oh, our reflexes are already much, uh, sharper.
Carla, pull.
Pull.
Frasier.
Frasier, I owe you an apology.
I haven't been myself the past couple of days.
No, darling.
I, I trivialized your grief.
A husband should be supportive.
But, please help me.
Help me.
Meet me halfway.
Why were you carrying a moribund rodent in your evening bag? I wasn't going to take him on our date.
But I knew if I left him at the lab, they'd have given him to the undergraduates to dissect.
I couldn't let that happen to Whitey.
I just wanted to give him a decent burial.
I'm, I'm so sorry.
How could I have been so insensitive? Of course, I overreacted.
But I think I know why.
I was confronted for the first time with the death of someone close to me.
I understand, dear.
It's what we call a crisis.
I know what we call it, Frasier.
The upshot is I've never been more acutely aware of how precious and fragile life is for each of us.
Well, darling, I think everyone would agree that existence is tenuous at best.
Therefore, all we can do is embrace life.
And you and I, we're so fortunate.
We, we have a baby, the very symbol of life reborn.
Frasier, he's no longer a baby.
He'll be going to school in September.
Oh, yes, if we can successfully negotiate a preschool interview without slipping into a scene from Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf? But, darling, you're right.
Frederick is getting older.
You know there is a way we could renew ourselves yet again.
How would we do that? We could have another child.
We could, couldn't we? That's a wonderful idea.
Oh, Frasier, suddenly, I'm filled with a glow.
Let's start right now.
It's all so strange.
A seemingly insignificant creature lives and dies a marriage is threatened a child's education is almost destroyed yet, somehow, someway, I'm getting some action out of it.