Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - Uncle Sam Wants You

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Hey, guys, mail's in.
All right, let's see Mr.
Peterson.
Mr.
Peterson.
Mr.
Peterson.
Occupant.
Mr.
Peterson.
Mr.
Boyd.
Oh, hey, that's me.
Oh, yeah, I ordered this weeks ago.
This is a whole big book of crossword puzzles.
All right.
Well, let's check them out.
Hey, this is great because it has all the answers in the back so we don't have to worry about all those confusing clues.
All right, one across.
"Penguin.
" Penguin? Hey, hey, hey, it fits.
All right! Hey, these are great once you get the hang of them, huh? (theme song begins) Sometimes you want to go Where everybody knows your name And they're always glad you came You wanna be where you can see Our troubles are all the same You wanna go where everybody knows your name.
Oh, hey, Miss Howe.
You look nice.
What's the occasion? Well, I just signed up with an executive placement agency, and I have all sorts of interviews lined up this afternoon.
I feel really great about it.
I'm finally gonna get myself out of this brain-dead mausoleum.
Oh, no offense, guys.
Huh? Well, I'm off.
Good luck, Miss Howe.
Thanks, Woody, but I don't need it.
I'm wearing my lucky dress.
I can't lose.
Hi, Sam.
I'm off to get a job.
Nothing can stop me now.
In that? Oh, who am I fooling? They're not going to hire a loser like me.
Hey, just saw the neatest little present in this kids' shop.
Look at this.
Does this say little Freddie Crane or what, huh? "Babe hound in training.
" Afternoon, all.
Hey, Dr.
Crane.
Dr.
Sternin-Crane.
And little Frederick Crane-Sternin-Crane-Crane.
What can I get you? I know I could use a glass of water.
Hey, it's my best pal.
Well, hello to you, too, Sam.
Oh, hey, Fras.
Hi, there.
Give me five.
Pow! So what are you guys doing here? Someone got a little thirsty while we were playing in the park.
Aw, yeah, I see.
Need some juice? You said it.
Scotch on the rocks.
I'm joking.
No, Sam, Uh, just a little apple juice and, uh, a couple of ginger ales.
We're having quality family time.
FRASIER: That's right.
I canceled every single one of my appointments today.
LILITH: And I called in sick to the lab.
I placed some gauze over the telephone and altered my voice so as to appear ill.
And the Oscar goes to Here we are, dear.
So, we decided to have a lovely afternoon with a picnic, and now we're off to go fly a kite.
Oh, hey, I noticed it was windy, too.
I went out and I got little Frederick this kite, huh? What do you think? I've got an idea.
Why don't we, uh, why don't we go try these babies.
I'll be right back.
I'm gonna get my jacket.
Sam is tagging along? We need some time to ourselves.
Well, you know, darling, it is Sam.
Frasier, am I going to have to play "bad cop?" Now, let me understand are you saying that up, up until this point, you've been playing "good cop?" Hey, Frasier, I've got an idea.
We can tie your little kite to the end of this and make a great tail.
(doorbell ringing) Coming.
I'm coming.
Oh, it's you.
Yeah.
Hi, hi, Lilith.
Hey, look at you.
You've got hair like a woman.
I'm here to watch Huckleberry Hound.
At 5:53 a.
m.
? Yeah.
Yeah.
Yesterday, me and Freddie decided we're gonna watch some cartoons.
Who decided? The child can barely speak.
Well, he can nod.
Hey, Frasier.
Hey, Freddie, we're gonna watch the cartoons.
That wasn't Sam Malone, was it? Please tell me that was an armed intruder.
It was Sam.
Frasier, you've got to do something.
Every day he gets here a little earlier, and every night he leaves a little later.
Well, darling, he, he is a friend of ours.
It's getting so we can't make love in the morning.
I didn't know we could make love in the morning.
We can't.
It was just a "for instance.
" The point is I don't like people seeing me in my nightgown.
It undermines my authority.
I really wouldn't worry about that.
Frasier, do something.
Well, my love, let's let's try to use some insight into what Sam's going through.
His affection for Frederick is not unusual under the circumstances.
After all, he's an aging playboy who is just now coming to realize that he has nothing, and that he's got no progeny left to carry on his name.
And that is a frightening revelation for any man.
Frasier, it's 5:55 in the morning.
The heave-ho.
Sam, could you come down here, please? Oh, good timing.
Commercial's on.
Sam, there's something we have to ask you.
Yeah, good, because there's something we have to ask you, too.
What's for breakfast? He's reacting to the nightgown.
Sam, look, as much as we adore you, and are happy that you've taken such an interest in Frederick, we, we're just not getting enough private time to ourselves.
Oh, say no more.
I understand.
You guys want to be alone.
Sure, tell you what.
Why don't, uh, Freddie and I go over to my apartment and you can catch up with us later? No, no, Sam.
You misunderstand.
We're not saying that we want to be intimate with each other right now.
God forbid while the sun's up.
No, no, we're just saying that we'd like to spend the day with our son, just the three of us.
Oh.
Well, shoot.
You should have told me sooner.
I mean, I don't want to, you know, horn in on you guys.
Tell you what, Freddie, we're gonna have to watch cartoons some other time, all right? Why don't you now go over to your daddy, huh? There you go.
Go to Daddy.
Go on, Freddie.
It's okay.
Oh, fine.
Now you see what you've done? My son likes you better than he likes me.
No, don't be silly.
Come on, go to Daddy.
You'll have fun.
He loves you.
Oh, now you're being sarcastic.
I'm not being sarcastic.
Come on.
Come on.
Go to your daddy.
Go on.
Go.
Okay, come on.
Go, go to your other daddy.
Go to Uncle Frasier.
Sam, you have turned my son against me.
LILITH: If you two don't mind, I think I'll take our little wishbone into the kitchen for breakfast.
Oh, this is Fras, I'm sorry.
Sam, he's my son.
I made him.
I get to keep him.
Come on, Fras.
Calm down.
This is my house, my child and my wife, who, thanks to you, I don't even have time to make love to in the morning.
I thought you said All right, I'm raving! I'm sorry.
It's just, uh I like your kid.
I didn't know I liked kids before.
If you like kids so much, why don't you get one of your own.
Oh, Sam, Sam, look, I'm sorry.
Oh, that's all right.
You, you know I love you, right? I think you're one of the greatest guys in the world.
It's, it's just, it's just a little bit early on a Saturday morning to, to lose the love of your child.
Now, if you you'd just excuse me I, I think I'll go try to bond with my son over a bowl of Froot Loops.
Oh, God, I love Froot Loops.
Sorry, sorry.
Oh, hey, Miss Howe.
How was your interview? Did it go any better than the others? Oh, yeah, the usual.
You know, I was sitting in the waiting room and got kind of nervous so I just had a quick cigarette.
You know, and that was pretty much that.
Think you could stop throwing that thing? Why? Gives me something to do.
We've got to talk.
You know, ever since I've been hanging around with Frasier and Lilith's kid, I (knocking) Sammy, uh, you don't expect me to pay for this beer, do you? No.
Good.
Come on, what's wrong? Do you think guys have a biological clock? You know, like they know when it's time to have a kid? Oh, yeah.
Usually when they say, "Hey, Carla, you want to go out tonight?" Come on.
What's on your mind? Well, I've been thinking.
You know, I'm, I'm not that young anymore.
It's not that I'm old.
It's just that I'm not young.
I'm not old-old.
I'm just youngish.
You know, I'm, I'm a youngish man.
Please go on.
Well, I'm thinking about thinking about being a dad.
What? Yeah.
You know, I've been playing around all my life and, I don't know, you know, maybe I'm missing something.
Have you thought about getting a dog? I don't want a dog.
You know, I want someone to be with, to, to take care of, to watch grow.
Have you thought about getting a plant? You don't think I'll be a good father? Oh, no, no, I think you'd be a great father.
Do you have a mother picked out? No, not really.
Oh.
Does that mean, uh, you're not going to ask me? Well, I'm, I'm sorry.
You know, I didn't think of that.
Yeah, would you? What are you, nuts? Do you think I'm gonna go through labor an eighth time because you're a little lonely? Selfish bastard.
Aw, you know, with me it doesn't matter.
What the heck? I know a hundred women.
(chuckles): What am I talking about? I know thousands of women.
What am I talking about? I know tens of thousands of women.
Wait, wait, wait.
What am I talking about? Sam come on, now, just think about this for a minute.
Do you really, really want this? Yeah, I really, really want this.
Come on, Sam.
Do you have any idea what it means to have a kid? It's changing dirty diapers and getting spit-up stains on those shoulders of your best clothes, and and ear infections in the middle of the night, and shoving antibiotics down their throats, and worrying about them every day and every night for the rest of your life.
How does that sound? Sounds cool.
(chuckles): Yeah.
It is, kind of.
Would they, like, really spit it up on, um, leather? (chuckles): Oh, they know fabrics.
So, who's gonna be the mom, Sam? I haven't figured that out yet, Woody, but, you know, she's got to be somewhere in here.
Or here.
(door opens) Well, what about Miss Howe? She's getting up there like you.
She's probably about ready to have a kid.
And she's very responsible.
I think that was my best interview yet.
I think that they really were impressed with me until I accidentally knocked the CEO into a fax machine and sent a copy of his butt to Wichita.
See, Sam, you could've asked her just now.
Oh, wait a minute.
Here you go.
Now, this could work out.
What am I doing? What am I gonna say? I have to figure out how to word this.
Hold on a second.
Excuse me, miss? Uh, can I ask you a question? Sure.
All right, just hypothetically, now, say someone you've been dating, you know, a couple times calls you up to say, uh, "Hey, we had some laughs together.
What say we have a baby?" Now, I'm not talking commitment here; don't misunderstand me.
You know, maybe yes, maybe no.
The picture is: get pregnant, have the baby, give it to me, go away.
Uh you know, just offhand, how would you react to that? How would I react if a guy called me up and asked me to be a breeder for him? To be sort of an incubator for his seed? Yeah, exactly.
W-Wait a second.
Let me, uh let me get a pencil.
I want to write this down.
Okay.
Okay, "incubator.
" "Breeder.
" Red-flag words.
You know, uh, if it's a boy, I just hope he names it Clifford Clavin Malone.
I don't care what he names it as long as he doesn't bring it in here.
If there's one thing I can't stand, it's babies.
Oh, come on, Mr.
Krapence.
Wouldn't you like a helpless little guy all soft and cuddly who you could burp every once in a while? Yeah, we need another one of those.
(door opens) Sam.
Listen, Sam, I I'd like to apologize about this morning when I kicked you out.
I I forgot how much Freddie means to you and how much you mean to him.
I also forgot that Lilith and I have two tickets to Jerome Robbins' Broadway tonight-- hundred bucks a throw.
If you think I'm gonna miss that, you're nuts.
Have fun, Freddie.
Daddy loves you.
Hey, you want me to lock up, Sam? No, thanks.
I got to wait for Frasier and Lilith.
All right.
Good night.
Good night.
Hey, little buddy.
So, what do you want to watch there, Freddie? (music playing on TV) Whew! NEWSMAN: Congress and the administration (newswoman talking) Headline news.
Local news.
Oh, hey.
Elvis.
ELVIS: Night and you And Blue (yawns) Hawaii Blue Hawaii (ocean purring, seabirds squawking) Hey, Sam.
What? Sam.
Who's there? Up-up here, Sam.
It's me, Elvis.
Elvis? Yeah.
Come on over here, man.
I don't want to have to shout at you.
I'm having a dream about Elvis.
What do you want with me, Elvis? I want to tell you something.
You're right about wanting a child.
You know, the best thing that ever happened to me was having Lisa Marie.
Here.
Isn't she precious? Yeah, she's a real cutie.
Well, you'll be happy to know, Elvis, she turned out to be a real babe.
Sam, don't make me come through this TV.
I'm sorry.
Now, this baby's gonna need a mama, Sam.
Yeah, I know that, Elvis, but I I can't think of anybody.
Well, I just think you're overlooking someone.
Who? Miss Rebecca Howe.
Rebecca? Miss Rebecca.
She's been a true friend, and-and you've been through so much together.
There's a lot of love in her heart, Sam.
She has no one to give it to.
And she's a handsome woman.
Miss Rebecca? Really? Think about her, Sam.
I know I'm right.
Now, if you'll just excuse me, man.
I got to go back and frolic on a beach, or jump in a stock car race or something.
I don't know what they got me doing in this one.
Later, Sam.
Isn't this sweet? My son and his baby-sitter passed out in a bar.
(Frederick fusses) No, it's okay Ooh! Sam.
Sam.
I've got him, Sam.
Fras.
Thanks.
Yeah.
Say Frasier.
Whew! Weirdest thing just happened to me.
I could have sworn I just, uh, just had a conversation with Elvis Presley.
Well, Sam, I've had, uh, four or five patients that have had the same experience.
I'll simply simply tell you what I told them.
The man is dead.
Hi, Sam.
Hi.
Wh-What are you doing back here? My night to lock up.
Besides, it looks like I'm still gonna be working here anyway.
Nobody else wants me.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
Yeah, well, you know, maybe I've been barking up the wrong tree my whole life.
All these big dreams about being a big corporate executive and, you know, having a lot of power a lot of control.
I don't know why I've been knocking my brains out.
Maybe I should have just settled for some dumb, ordinary jerk, you know, and raised a family.
Wow.
What? I was just, uh I you know, I've been thinking the same thing.
Only, you know, I was thinking that you should have a child with someone who is, you know, good-looking and and really cool.
Yeah, well, I don't know anybody like that.
What about me? What, you know somebody like that? No, you know, I what I mean is, I was thinking that you and I should have a baby together.
(laughs) Oh, come on, Sam! What? No, why? Why not? I mean, think about it.
You and I are good friends-- hell, you're my best friend-- and we've been through a lot together, and, you know, you you have a lot of love to give, and you're a handsome woman.
Well, I-I'm flattered.
But I'm just I'm not ready to have a baby, Sam, you know? I got a lot of things left to do in my life.
Yeah? Like what? Like a lot.
Well, all right, name one.
Well, like I had always planned on growing old and, you know, dying alone.
You can still do that.
Well, you don't just, you know, go out and have a baby with somebody.
Why not? Well, I don't know why not.
Then why not? And why with you? Why not? Well, but Why not? I mean, we could.
Yeah.
And your mom did it.
My mom did I mean, Carla does it all the time.
I mean, I why shouldn't we? I mean, and, you know, maybe this would be something that I'd finally be good at.
So, will you? 'Kay.
Let's have a baby.
You know, I think this is gonna change my whole life.
Oh, yeah.
I think, no more Rebecca the jerk, no more Rebecca the goonball, Rebecca the loser.
Rebecca the mother! I'm gonna have a brand-new human baby! I get to feed her.
I get to hold her! Oh! I can't wait! You know, a new life! A new life that depends completely on me! (clattering) Do you believe it? I forgot my coat! (gasps): I guess I'm just so excited about this whole thing! I don't know.
I'm gonna be a mommy! (giggling) (coatrack clattering) Oh, a mommy! You'd better be right, Elvis.