Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - Baby Balk

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Quite a night, huh, Norm? Yep.
Yeah.
I can't believe old Sammy wants to be a dad.
Yep.
He's got to be real careful about choosing a mother.
A lot of things to consider.
Like, for example, how the genes match up.
Yeah.
Wish my parents had given that a little bit more thought.
Yeah.
Maybe I'd be able to jump a little higher, run a little faster.
You know, there's a jumping gene in my ma.
It's called the "J" gene.
It's it's recessive.
You know, so, if my ma had gotten matched up with a guy with a dominant jumping gene You know, let's see.
Like, uh Carl Lewis.
I'm telling you, Norm, it could have been a whole different playground for little Cliffie Lewis.
Cliffie, I hate to interrupt, but, uh, we're here.
Normie, how come you always drop me off at least six blocks away from my house? Well, this time it's a mile.
Get out.
# Making your way in the world today # # Takes everything you've got # # Taking a break from all your worries # # Sure would help a lot # # Wouldn't you like to get away? # # Sometimes you want to go # # Where everybody knows your name # # And they're always glad you came # # You wanna be where you can see # # Our troubles are all the same # # You wanna be where everybody knows your name # # You wanna go where people know # # People are all the same # # You wanna go where everybody knows your name.
# Previously on Cheers No more "Rebecca the jerk.
" No more "Rebecca the goonball.
" "Rebecca the loser.
" "Rebecca the mother"! I'm going to have a brand-new human baby! I can't wait! You know, a new life! A new life that depends completely on me.
Can you believe it? I forgot my coat.
Oh, I'm just so excited about this! I don't know.
I'm going to be a mommy! I'm going to be a mommy! Rebecca, honey? Honey? What, Sam? Are you sure you're ready for this? Well, don't I look ready? Maybe I'm thrown off by the coatrack.
Oh, I hate it when I do that.
Careful, careful.
Well, you think we're ready, don't you? I mean, you don't think that we're rushing this, do you? Do you need a little time to think it over? No sweetheart, sweetheart, come on, turn around.
I think we're both very excited by this.
You want to be a mommy, right? And I want to be a daddy.
I think that the decision has been made here.
Sam, just give it a yank.
Ow! Ooh! Are you hurt? No, no.
I'm fine.
Okay, what do you think? You want to give it till tomorrow? Please.
Hey, everybody, guess what.
My buddy just bowled a 300! Great.
Like anybody cares, huh? A round of drinks on me! All right! Way to roll that melon, buddy! There you go.
Here you go, bud.
Oh, sorry, missy.
What for? You think I won't enjoy a cigar because I'm a woman? I'll save it for the George Sand Film Festival.
You see, what you don't understand is that my wife just made a a very funny literary reference to a woman that used to dress as a man, and lived in France.
Was he a bowler? Sure.
What the hell? Hey, uh why don't you have the, uh smokers sitting in the smoking section? Oh, of course.
Where's my head? Probably in the pumpkin patch wondering when the mix-up occurred.
Sammy, we have a smoking section? Yeah.
Over by the piano.
We have a piano? Oh.
I gotta turn my head more.
Hi, Sam.
Hi.
Sorry about last night.
Oh, no.
Don't worry about it.
You feeling better? You didn't bruise, did you? Sweetheart, it's not a peach.
So you, uh still want to be a mommy? Do you still want to be a daddy? I do if you do.
I do.
Great.
All right.
Great.
I'll I'll be right back.
Hold it.
Hold it.
Wait.
Wait.
We have to sit a second.
What? Look, I don't want this to be that we just do it.
I want this to be special.
I mean, what's going to happen when our child asks us about the night we conceived? What are we going to say? How about, "Mind your own business"? Sam, be serious.
I know.
I know.
Let's do something that you have never done before with a woman.
All right, all right.
Okay, okay, okay.
Let let let's do something that you've only done once.
Okay.
All right.
You got, uh You've got, uh Let's just have a nice, simple, romantic evening.
All right.
Now, that I can do.
That I can do.
Tell you what.
You got a fireplace, right? Yeah.
Well, there you go.
It's a perfect evening.
Dinner, fire, a little Jiffy Pop.
Sam, don't be crass.
No, no, no.
I was talking about popcorn.
Oh! That was funny.
Oh, you've got a date! All right.
Wait a minute.
Woody, we're out of here.
You're in charge of the bar.
Well, why bother, Sam? Whenever you put me in charge, nobody ever listens to me.
I just get laughed at, and get drinks poured over my head.
If anyone does that to you, you just sic Carla on them.
I'm talking about Carla.
Oh.
All right, listen up, everybody! Whenever Rebecca and I aren't in the bar, uh Woody's in charge.
That better? Kind of.
At least it's not a margarita.
Those get salt in my eyes.
Listen, I'm I'm out of here, guys.
I'll be back in a couple of hours depending on how things go here.
Where're you going, Sam? It it's kind of personal, Norm.
Ah! Uh, let me get that for you.
Oh.
Here we go.
Sammy's acting kind of weird, huh? Yeah.
Can't you beer butts figure it out? Sam's been searching for weeks to find a perfect woman to have his baby.
Obviously, he's given up and asked Rebecca.
No way.
Something that big, Sammy would have told us.
Why do you assume the rest of the world lives by your outdated code of male bonding? Do you think that every man goes around telling his buddies when he decides to sire an offspring? Frasier did.
Anyhoo Woody, can you do something about that smoke? Don't worry, Mr.
Clavin, I'll take care of it.
Excuse me, sir.
My name is Woody Boyd, and I'm kind of in charge here tonight.
Well, my friend over there is kind of bothered by your smoke, and so I was hoping you could move to the back to the smoking section.
I think that would really be the considerate thing to do.
You can tell your friend this.
So, Woody, what did he say? Wow.
I'm impressed.
Where did you learn how to cook? When I was a kid, my mom thought that all boys should do a little bit of cooking.
I never knew that.
Oh, yeah.
I have a sensitive side.
Matter of fact, why don't we put on some music and see how long it takes you to find it.
Where do you keep your Johnny Mathis? I don't think I have any.
Oh.
Well, who needs music? Allow me.
# Look at me # I didn't know you could sing that high.
I couldn't before the coatrack.
What? Nothing.
I'm just nervous.
Oh, come on.
Nothing to be nervous about.
Oh, no.
I mean, we're going to make the biggest decision of our lives.
I mean, don't you think that's a little bit scary? Come on.
You can't can't pressure yourself like that.
I mean, you know, once we do this, there's no turning back.
No, no, no, no.
Come on.
That's just the thing you can't think about here.
"After tonight, everything will be different for life.
" Or, uh "I may have done this a million times, but this is the one that counts.
" I mean, you, uh you start doing that, you're not going to be able to do it.
Sam, you're not thinking about it, are you? No, no.
Don't be silly.
Oh, you're right, Sam.
Let's just go for it.
Uh Right now? It's now or never, Sam.
Uh Let's make a baby.
No, you know but but right now? What's the matter? Nothing's the matter.
Don't be silly.
Nothing's the matter.
It's just that, uh you know, not everything's right right now, you know? Uh we don't have Johnny Mathis.
Yeah, that's it.
Uh tell you what.
Why don't I, uh Why don't I go to the record store? I'll be right back.
No! Sam If we're going to make a baby, I'm going to need my Johnny! What's wrong, Sam? Sam, what is it? I I I What? What? Is it an accident? A fire? Do you want us to follow you? Sam, look.
Just pull yourself together and tell me what it is.
I can't.
Yes, you can.
Look.
Just organize your thoughts, form the words, and tell me.
I can't.
Sam, if you want me to help you, you're going to have to tell me what the problem is.
I am! Well, then, what is it? I can't! You can't what? Oh, dear Lord.
Am I to assume that Sam Malone is unable to? You gotta help me, man.
All right, Sam.
Let's, uh Let's examine this problem.
Uh Okay.
What is the difference between this experience and the thousands of times that have gone before? All right.
Well, uh It was with Rebecca.
You've been intimate with Rebecca before? Yeah.
No.
It It's not sex.
I mean, we want to have a baby.
We What we're trying to do is, is wholesome and natural and beautiful, and it's turning me off.
Sam, your whole life, has been a string of meaningless, albeit enjoyable, sexual encounters.
Now, for the first time, you're engaging in a meaningful, productive pursuit See, it's a common conflict between what we call recreational sex and procreational sex.
What? Well, dirty sex and clean sex.
Oh.
Now, it is this conflict that is making you unable to function.
Oh.
Oh, yeah.
That's good.
All right.
Wow.
For a minute there, I thought maybe there was something wrong with the seal on my microwave.
Now, Sam, what you're gonna have to do is, is keep your mind thinking of dirty things.
You see what I mean.
Skip everything about a baby.
Forget that Rebecca's gonna be a mother.
Forget that you're gonna be a father.
Instead, concentrate on the heat, the passion you generate.
Trick your body into thinking of this as just another tawdry one-night stand.
Come with me.
You can do it, Sam.
You have to.
You owe it to men everywhere.
Yeah.
All right, all right, all right.
Think heat.
Think heat.
Think heat.
Think heat, think heat.
Think heat, think heat.
Not yet, not yet.
Hey, Woodrot.
What's with the cigar party back there? Well, the smoking section wasn't big enough, so exercising my powers as a manager, I moved everybody back into the pool room Yeah, well, if you'd exercise your brain, you'd realize there are no vents, and the windows are painted shut.
It's like Clavin in the middle of July back there.
Well, what do you expect? There's no vents and the windows are painted shut.
Don't worry, Carla, I've installed a fan.
Oh.
All I gotta do is some simple wiring.
Cheers.
It's nice to see Woody in charge, huh? Seems like only yesterday he, uh, couldn't find his way around the bar, and he got lost in the storeroom.
That was yesterday.
Phone call for you, Chalk Face.
Thank you Velcro Top.
I've been waiting to use that.
Hello? Lilith.
Yeah? Ha-Has Sam been there? Uh, he was, but he just left.
Did he say anything? Not to me.
Why? Can I trust you? Of course you can trust me.
I'm a professional.
If you have a problem, I'm more than equipped to help you work through it in a rational manner.
Woody, two beers.
Shut up.
This is juicy.
I'm sorry.
Please continue.
You know, Sam and I are trying to have a baby.
All right, tonight when we were Just when things got all you know, heated and involved, well he left for no apparent reason.
I mean I don't think Sam was turned on.
Oh, my God.
The seventh sign.
Now, look, what am I doing wrong? A- am I, am I not hot enough? Am I not sexy enough? Actually, Rebecca, perhaps you're too sexy.
What do you mean? And thank you.
Well, Sam is the type of person for whom sex has always been down and dirty.
Now that he's trying to father a child, dirty sex is the furthest thing from his mind.
He wants it clean.
So what do I do? Well, don't act hot and sexy, that's for sure.
Just keep reminding him that he's making a baby.
The evening should be sacred and holy.
That'll get his engine running.
I got it, Lilith.
Thank you so much.
All right.
Who was that on the phone, dear? I was just counseling Rebecca.
And I was counseling Sam.
Recreational versus procreational sex? Exactly.
They're so lucky to have us.
Woody! We can't breathe in here.
We need you to turn on that stupid fan.
All right.
It's all ready to go.
All I gotta do is throw a switch.
Woody! Woody! Honey? Oh Thank God you're still here.
I'm sorry I ran out like that.
Sam, don't say another word.
Everything's going to be just fine.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, this is hot.
Mmm With heat like this, you'll fertilize my egg in no time.
Yeah, uh Anyway, anyway, uh Just Why, I tell you, you are looking so sexy tonight.
Yeah I'm about to grow your child inside my womb.
Hotcha, hotcha, hotcha.
And then I'll give birth to a new life, and you'll be there to cut that cord.
Are you gonna be talking like this all night? You You ain't heard nothing yet, O, giver of life.
Giver Excuse.
excuse me just a second.
Hang on.
What What's going on in there Daddy? Uh, I'll be right out, Mommy.
Uh, I mean Mama.
Hello.
Norm.
Yeah.
Uh, what are you doing there, man? Uh, where's Woody? He's otherwise engaged.
Well, uh, Norm, Norm, let me, let me talk to Frasier, will you? Yeah Frasier.
Sammy.
What is it, Sam? Listen.
This is not working, man.
I'm thinking hot, and all she keeps doing is talking about mother and stuff.
You must keep it hot, Sam.
Trust me.
I'm trying.
I'm trying.
Sam, where are you now? Uh, I'm in the kitchen, but don't worry.
She can't hear me.
I'm, uh, I'm running the water here, You can do that? Whenever I hear water running, it gives me the urge to go to the bathroom.
Well, thanks a lot, man.
In fact, just hearing it now, over the phone Lilith, would you? Frasier! Sam? Lilith.
Is everything all right? Uh, Yeah, sure.
No, it's fine.
Let me talk to Rebecca.
Um, all right.
Okay.
Hold, hold on a second, will you? Yeah, it's for you.
It's Lilith.
Excuse me.
Lilith? Yes? It's not working.
I've done everything you've told me to do, an-and he still has a problem.
Sounds to me like you're still being too sexy.
Well, I don't know how You know, you are so kind.
Redouble your efforts.
You must remain wholesome, no matter what.
Trust me.
I'll do my best.
All right.
All right, Rebecca, That's it.
No, no more talking.
Just down and dirty from here on out.
Oh, Sam as long as we're down here on our knees, Yes? I think we ought to take this chance to thank God for the great gift He's about to give us.
Oh that's it.
I give up.
What's the matter? How do you expect me to get in the mood when you're talking about babies and cords and God and stuff? Well, I thought that's what you wanted to hear.
Where did you get that idea? Lilith.
Lilith! You talked to Lilith about us? Oh, come on, I thought this was just supposed to be between you and me.
I can't believe you shared this with somebody else.
Besides, Frasier said we're supposed to act hot.
Sam if you were having a problem, why didn't you just tell me? Well, no.
Wait, wait.
Who said I was having a problem? Well, weren't you? Maybe.
Sam.
Oh You could've done both of us a favor if you had just told me what I was doing wrong.
No.
Oh, come on, you weren't doing anything wrong.
It wasn't you.
It was me.
I mean, I've had sex millions of times, but it's, it's never had a purpose before.
Well, that's not true.
It had a purpose, but, uh It didn't it didn't have a goal.
No, it had a goal.
It just It's complicated.
Sam, Sam, look.
You don't have to explain.
I just wish you'd been able to talk to me, that's all.
Yeah, you're probably right.
I mean, if we can't even talk to each other, what kind of parents are we gonna make? Not very good ones.
Sam, maybe we're not ready for this.
Maybe.
Shoot.
Well, uh I guess I'd better go, huh? Okay.
Are you sure you're okay? Yeah, I'm fine.
You okay? Oh, yeah.
# I am as helpless as a kitten up a tree # How about that? Johnny Mathis.
Say, I don't suppose your neighbor is single, huh? Yes, he is.
Oh.
# I can't understand # # I get misty # Bye-bye.
# Just holding your hand # # Walk my way # # And a thousand violins begin to play # # Or it might be the sound # Oh, baby Would you stop saying that!