Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - Unplanned Parenthood

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
# # # Got no diamonds, got no pearls # # Still I think I'm a lucky girl # # I got the sun in the morning and the moon at night # # Da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da # # Got no mansions, got no yacht # # Still I'm happy with what I got # # I got the sun in the morning and the moon at night # # I got the sun in the morning and the moon at night # # Sunshine gives me a lovely day # # Moonlight gives me the Milky Way # # Got no checkbooks, got no banks # # Still I'd like to express my thanks # # I got the sun in the morning and the moon at night # # And with the sun in the morning # # And the moon in the evening # # I'm all # Good morning, Carla.
What's so good about it? # Making your way in the world today # # Takes everything you've got # # Taking a break from all your worries # # Sure would help a lot # # Wouldn't you like to get away? # # Sometimes you want to go # # Where everybody knows your name # # And they're always glad you came # # You wanna be where you can see # # Our troubles are all the same # # You wanna be where everybody knows your name # # You wanna go where people know # # People are all the same # # You wanna go where everybody knows your name.
# # # Oh, hey, Woody, here's my video camera.
Oh, wow! Looks kinda complicated.
That's, that's just the case, Woody.
No, Woody, it's not as complicated as it looks.
I'll, uh, I'll talk ya through it.
Whatcha doin', Wood? Oh, well, uh, I want Kelly to meet my parents, and, uh, I can't afford to fly her out there, so I figured what better way to introduce her to my parents in person than on tape? Don't forget, Woody, you gotta set your white balance.
What's that? Well, the tape might be a little tinted, so you gotta balance it out by, uh, pointing the lens at a flat white surface.
Hey, Lilith, we were just talking about you.
Carla, I'm long past caring what anyone in this bar has to say about me.
What did they say? I am the one who's gonna be all bloated.
I'm the one who's gonna gain all the weight, be up all night eating ice cream and pickles, and I'm gonna be the one who's vomiting all morning.
Yeah? Try doing that with Vera standing over you saying, "You gotta clean up your act, mister.
" Can you believe this? I'm not even pregnant, yet he is insisting that the child have his last name.
Just give me one good reason why its last name can't be Howe.
How about this? Howe's a stupid name.
Excuse me? Come on.
It's not even a name.
It's more of a, of a question.
Rebecca Howe.
Rebecca why.
Rebecca who, what, where.
You know, I can make fun of your name, too.
Oh, yeah? Malone.
Oh, all right, I'm not very good at it yet.
Oh, really? Howe surprising.
Howe remarkable.
Knock it off! Come on, when you were a kid, admit it, didn't-didn't people make fun of your name? Yes, but that was in the context of making fun of many other things.
And what makes your name so special? I'll tell you why.
Because Malone is a very proud old Irish name.
When my great grandfather came from County Cork to this city, they actually had signs in some of the windows that said "No Irish need apply".
His friends told him to change his name to Smith or something, but he wouldn't do it.
He was proud of his name.
And when we have a kid, I want, want him to be proud of his name, too.
Is that reason enough for you? No.
Sam, you know, you wouldn't have these problems if you just made an honest woman out of Miss Howe.
Ooh, what're you talking about, Woody? Well, back in Hanover we have this little tradition.
It's called marriage.
It's to avoid another little tradition called hellfire.
Woody, come on, man.
This is the '90s.
You know, plenty of people have babies without being married.
Oh, what? You got a problem with that? Well, if you want the truth, I do think it's a little irresponsible.
And remember, this is coming from Norm Peterson.
I can't believe this.
You guys feel the same way? I kind of do.
Me, too.
Move to California, you freaks.
Guys, guys, come on.
I mean, look at me.
I'm not getting any younger and neither is well, it's true.
I mean, look at how many years we've been wasting looking for the perfect relationship.
And what'd it get us? Nothing.
At least you and I are friends.
You know, we care for each other.
And right about now, that's looking good.
Based on that, we-we want to hang out together and have a family.
Sam, if you feel that way, why don't you just go ahead and get married? Ooh, that's an awful big step, Woody.
Hey, Sammy, if you want my two cents, I think that you and Rebecca having a kid together is very immoral.
Oh Now, you and me havin' a kid outta wedlock that'd be a blast.
People, people, we cannot impose our own moral belief systems on these two.
Yes, thank you very much.
The real question is: Will they make responsible parents? That's right! And the answer is an emphatic "no!" Hey! Sam, up until now, you and Rebecca have not taken into account the years of sacrifice involved in the raising of a child.
You have not reckoned with the fact that as soon as you have one, your lives will be irrevocably altered.
An infant demands constant attention.
Seven days a week.
It never says "please" or "may I?" It just demands.
Let me have a scotch.
And say good-bye to vacations.
Say good-bye to ski weekends because your life is baby, baby, baby.
Can I get a drink, please?! You know something? I- I'm really hurt.
I've got to admit that you guys don't have enough faith in me to see that I'm really serious about this thing.
Anyway, the whole point is Rebecca and I believe in what we're doing.
Am I right? Can we still get out of it, Sam? Well What.
come here.
Look, those guys have some good points.
I mean, how do we know we're gonna be good parents? How does anybody know? Maybe a little practice would help ease your nerves.
Would the two of you like to take care of Frederick for an evening? It may provide you with some confidence in your parenting skills as well as give us a break from that 16-year-old bundle of breasts Frasier insists is God's gift to babysitting.
Would that make you feel better? Yeah, I think it's a good idea.
I think it's good.
When can we do that? Well, let me see.
Uh, tonight, oh, well, Frederick has his story hour at the library tonight.
Tomorrow is our Mommy and Me class.
Friday is Aqua Tots.
Let me look at next month.
Oh, well, listen, don't worry about it.
All we have to do is find somebody else and take care of their kids.
Nobody else in this bar has any kids.
Carla does.
No! Forget it! No! Sam, wait a minute.
No! No, look, I am not gonna have a baby until I know I'll be a good parent.
Taking care of Carla's kids is not gonna prove that you're a good parent.
It just proves that you can survive in the wild.
Carla, Sam and I want to take care of your kids.
Is that okay with you? All of 'em? For how long? The whole night.
And I don't have to be there? No.
Oh, bless you! Come on, no, no, stop it! Listen, stop it! Come on, get Ow! We'll be there at 7:00.
Now, hey, come on, honey.
It's not too late.
May-may-maybe Freddie can squeeze us in.
A whole night without my kids.
Thank you, Saint Jude, patron saint of lost causes.
I have prayed for this day for 18 years.
First you freed me from Diane.
And now this! I am blessed! I am truly blessed.
Carla, do you realize that you're the same height kneeling down as you are standing up? Hi, Mom and Dad.
Uh, I want you to meet Kelly, my girlfriend.
She's holding the camera.
She's a beautiful girl.
Blond hair, great smile, sparkling personality.
I wish you could see her.
Kelly, say hi to my parents.
Now! Hi.
Now! Well, what'd you think? Pretty special, huh? Kelly, say good-bye to my parents.
Now! Bye.
That was great.
Let's turn this baby on and shoot it before we get stale.
Hey, excuse me, Wood.
Don't you think maybe your parents would like a shot with the two of you in it? Huh? Yeah.
What do you say we sit down and chat about it? Get a few ideas cookin' here, you know a little percolatin'.
You know, maybe a maybe a nice two shot.
You know, widen out to a master with a little background lighting for a nice halo effect.
Wow! Mr.
Clavin, you're a real expert.
Oh, yeah, I'm a bit of a film buff there, Woody.
I, uh, I admire the works of all the greats.
You know, Kurosawa, Fellini, Hitch.
That's, uh, Hitchcock, Woody.
I just had an idea.
Whatta you say we, uh, have Woody start this thing off? I mean, he's an actor.
He can just warm the whole thing up, huh? All right, Wood? Yeah.
Ready and action! Hi, Mom and Dad.
Oh, Woody, I, uh, thought you were an actor.
Let's try this again, okay? And remember, you haven't seen your parents for years.
You hunger for their love and affection.
You want them to know just how badly you miss them.
You left Indiana all those many years ago to come to the big city.
You're practically a stranger, pal.
I love you, Mom and Dad.
I know I should've stayed on the farm.
I don't know why I left.
Uh, I guess I was just selfish.
You know, everybody always leaves the farm.
That's why America's in the condition it is.
I'm sorry.
Can you ever forgive me? Please don't die before I come home again.
Oh, Woody, that was wonderful.
What do you say we turn this thing on and shoot this baby? Hey, Carla's still rounding up the kids.
We could run for it.
Sam, no, don't worry.
Carla's always exaggerating about her kids.
We'll be just fine.
Okay, the kids will be out in a minute.
Just sign this.
What is it? It's your standard release form.
The insurance company requires it.
Just sign here and initial the spots.
Okay, kids, come on in! Oh aren't they adorable? Look, they're all lined up.
Bet it's not the first time, either.
Look at you.
You look so cute.
It's like The Sound of Music.
Oh, I wish I had a whistle.
Here, Miss Howe.
Oh, thank you.
I always wanted to do this.
Now, when I blow the whistle, you say your name.
And I'm spending the night with my boyfriend.
Now isn't it more fun having this time with your family than going on some silly old date? You better let me go.
My boyfriend's a retired cop.
No, no, no, no, you'll, you'll want to stay.
You'll miss the games.
I'm missing them now.
All right, everybody fed? Yes, Mr.
Now may I please have my pants back? Check the oven.
Oh, what's the matter, Lud? I can't find Mr.
Oh, honey, don't cry.
Who is Mr.
Tibbington? Is that your kitty cat? No.
He's my eight-foot boa constrictor.
Well, we'll certainly keep our eyes out for him.
Wait, wait hold up There's only seven of us.
Where's Anthony? He's out doing something.
What's he doing? Time.
Stop eating for a minute.
Stop eating.
Here we are, at the head of the table just like real parents.
I think we should say grace.
Now I know we're not the real parents, but Sam, don't play footsie with me when I'm saying grace.
I'm not playing footsie.
Oh, it's Mr.
Tibbing ton! You know, now that Sam's busy with this baby thing, you guys are either going to have to live vicariously through somebody else, or get your own lives.
She's right, you know.
Wood? Thank you.
Listen, when you and, uh, Kelly go out on a date, what do you guys do, huh? Well last night we played three games of miniature golf and stopped for ice cream at the Freeze 'n' Frost.
Ooh! A little miniature golf there, huh? A little ice cream action, huh? Huh? Yeah, that Woody.
He's an ice-cream-eating, miniature-golfing guy.
Look at us trying to sponge off other people's lives.
We're pathetic.
Hey, Phil, new pants there, huh? Yep.
That Phil he's a pants-wearing, guy.
So, Carla, how do you intend to spend your night of freedom? Ah, nothing special.
I'm going to check into the, uh, Ritz for a night of R & R.
Sounds nice.
Yeah, I think so.
I know Roy and Ralph are looking forward to it.
Oh remember the Ritz- Carlton, darling? A night of unbridled passion that remains unmatched to this day.
We've never been to the Ritz-Carlton, Frasier.
Did I say the Ritz-Carlton? I meant the Four Seasons.
Strike two.
So, did you get a load of Phil's new pants? You know, an older fellow like that, you know, you wouldn't think he'd be able to get away with, you know, still looking good in a pair of slacks.
But, uh, darn if he doesn't pull it off.
Lilith, please blink.
Okay, I hope you all enjoyed the dinner as much as the wall did.
And I also want you to know that Rebecca really enjoyed the dead-rat-in-the-bun joke.
That's very funny.
Come on, honey, just pull yourself together.
You're going to frighten the kids.
I don't think I can take any more.
Oh, come on, of course you can.
You can't quit now.
We've onl Okay, who-who took my watch? You see that? This is not a home.
This is a house of horrors.
No, you're just I mean, my God, they Crazy-glued the dryer door shut.
Yeah, I know, but we got you out, didn't we? But I'm still dizzy.
I'm going to leave! No, no, come on, we can't quit.
Now, what are you going to do listen, when we have kids of our own? Are you going to quit when the going gets tough? I don't know.
Well, no! Honey, listen.
We're almost up to bath time, then we'll be home free.
Okay? Okay.
All right, now, uh, who's first? I'm ready for my bath, Miss Howe.
And I'm a dirty, dirty boy.
Ah, Sam! Would you get over there! Okay, kids, now let's just get a shot of you in front of the whole bar, all right? Yeah, okay.
Cliffy, you want I should take off? No, no, no, you stay right where you are, Norm.
Uh, you're what we call atmosphere.
Wait a minute.
What's that? Atmosphere, that's, uh, you know, people in the background.
You're sitting around, drinking your beer.
You know, it looks like you belong there.
All right! Hey, everybody, I'm atmosphere! Hey, Cliff, could I be atmosphere, too? Pauly, Pauly, Pauly, uh Personally I love you, Paul, but, uh, the camera doesn't.
Scoot! All right now, everybody, Right? Now The Message Home, scene one.
Hello, Mr.
and Mrs.
Cut! Kelly, Kelly, Kelly, come here.
What I'm looking for is the energy of take 36 and the innocence of take 11.
Do you think you can do that for me? I'm awfully tired, Mr.
That a girl! Okay.
Scene one, take 58.
Action! Hi, Mr.
and Mrs.
Cut! Kelly, uh, you, you mind explaining to me just what you think you're doing here? Cliffy, lighten up, guy.
You're just getting a little serious about this, aren't you? All right, who told the atmosphere to talk?! Go on, you're out of here! Pauly, your ship just came in.
Come in here, buddy.
Hey, uh, Mr.
Clavin, I don't think I want to make this tape.
Me neither.
All right, fine! Both of you, get out of here! Everybody get out! I can do the whole project myself! Cliff, please! What?! Now you'll never get what you want by badgering these kids.
You've got to make them feel safe.
After all, it's just a videotape.
Now listen, why don't you pull up a chair here, try to calm yourself down.
Have a beer I'm all right.
We'll see if we can, uh, get this thing done, huh? Okay? All right, all right.
I'm all right.
Kelly, Woody.
Now, Kelly, just do whatever comes naturally to you.
Relax, be yourself.
No pressure.
And simply say "hello" to Woody's parents.
Hello, Mr.
and Mrs.
I'm Kelly Gaines.
Kelly, you you just don't have a clue, do you? That's a wrap.
Boy, I'll tell you one thing.
Anybody who thinks parenthood is easy, should try giving baths to those monsters.
I learned a lot.
Yeah, yeah, I learned I can hold my breath for over a minute.
Although, I can't quite remember my telephone number.
You know something? Carla's kids aren't that bad.
Yeah, they're really not.
They're sort of rambunctious and high-spirited, but, you know, all in all, I think they mean well.
You know, I was pretty much a scamp when I was a kid, too.
Yeah, yeah I used to, uh, empty out the salt shakers and put in sugar.
Boy, what a prank.
Well, Sam, we did it.
Yeah, hey, that's right.
We passed your test, didn't we? We took care of Carla's kids.
If we can do that, we can do anything.
You know something? We're going to be just fine.
Be afraid.
Be very afraid.
Is that a prowler, or is that the kids? REBECCA Oh, I hope it's a prowler!