Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - Bar Wars V: the Final Judgement

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Hey, Miss Howe, I was over at the magic shop today, and look what I got for Halloween.
Aah! It's the old bloody thumb! Yuck! You just hide it somewhere, and then get ready for the fun.
This was a Halloween night tradition around our house.
Woody, please don't tell me how that got started.
I thought we could use it tonight to scare the guys from Gary's Old Towne Tavern.
Woody, it's not scary, just gross.
That's 'cause you haven't seen it in action.
I'll try it out on Mr.
Peterson.
Wood, can I have a refill? Sure thing, Mr.
P.
Way ahead of you.
All right.
Yuck.
What the hell is that? The old bloody thumb.
Didn't it scare you? No, actually, Wood, it's really more gross than anything else.
Told you.
Here's another beer, Norm.
Thank you, Rebecca.
And thank you, Woody.
# Making your way in the world today # # Takes everything you've got # # Taking a break from all your worries # # Sure would help a lot # # Wouldn't you like to get away? # # Sometimes you want to go # # Where everybody knows your name # # And they're always glad you came # # You wanna be where you can see # # Our troubles are all the same # # You wanna be where everybody knows your name # # You wanna go where people know # # People are all the same # # You wanna go where everybody knows your name.
# All clear in the back, Sammy.
Yup.
Same in the office and the basement.
All right, everybody, let's try and stay ready for 'em.
Ten-four, Sammy.
Listen to you people.
Every Halloween, you go on this ridiculous alert, waiting for Gary and the deadbeats from his bar to come over here and scare you.
I mean, you're tense all day, you're checking under the tables, you're even afraid to go to the bathroom.
Well, we go upstairs to Melville's.
Hey, it's once a year.
Well, I think you guys should just call it off; I mean, I think it's really childish.
Excuse me? Childish? Sweetheart, this is bar versus bar.
We will use any weapon available to us.
Water balloons, stink bombs, whoopee cushions and fake vomit.
Yes, fake vomit.
Now, how childish is it? Remember last year, we sent Cliffy over there wearing nothing but a pair of Speedos? Those people were screaming like banshees.
Yeah.
Well, I was making a scary face.
Hey, Sam, I'm back.
Oh, look, a bumpkin with a pumpkin.
Yeah, it's from my building's roof garden.
I entered this contest the local merchants are throwing for the best jack-o'- lantern.
First prize is a cruise around Boston Harbor.
They say it's three hours you'll never forget.
Especially if it's low tide.
Woody, it's hard to believe you grew such a hardy specimen in the city.
Well, yeah, the trick is to give it lots of care.
I took a seed from last year's pumpkin, planted it, and watched over it like a daddy.
I'd even lie in bed at night thinking, "I wonder how the pumpkin's doing.
" Pruned it, weeded it, checked the soil.
I even talked to it.
I think they like that.
Aah! Farm boys love their Halloween! I always hated this night.
Why? Well, when I was a kid, my folks used to move around so much that they never really got to know the neighbors, so they didn't trust them.
So when all the other little kids had their costumes on, and they were trick-or-treating, all I was allowed to do was stand at our front door and pass out candies.
I could hardly wait till I was an adult, so I could enjoy Halloween, you know, and not spend all my time serving everybody else.
Ah.
That's too bad.
Could you pass those pretzels, please? Darn! I sympathize with Rebecca's parents.
I, for one, will not allow my child to go trick-or-treating through the dangerous city streets.
What luck! I got the last Spider-Man costume for Frederick! And look what he can use for webs.
Frasier, we need to have a discussion.
Oh.
no, don't tell me you have a thing against Halloween, too.
I don't have a thing against Halloween.
I just don't want my child panhandling door-to-door accepting non-nutritious snacks from strangers, dressed in a silly costume.
But, darling, that is Halloween.
Oh.
Well, then I guess I do have a thing against it.
I got an idea.
Why don't you bring the little fella by the bar? We can, you know, set up candy here and stuff.
It'll be fun.
Well, I suppose if it's an environment which we know and trust, that would be all right.
I am not serving the little punk, Sam.
I know.
It's all right.
Do me a favor.
Will you take this over to Table Ten? Sure All righty.
# Let's do the vampire twist # Hey, that's not "Funky Town"! # Do it # # Yeah # Turn it down, will you? It's too loud.
I can't stop it, Sammy.
# Let do the vampire twist # Something's wrong.
# # Just unplug the damn thing! # In the dead of night, I flew with a bat # # To the cemetery, that's where it's at # # The tombstones were shakin' to a crazy beat # # And the mummified mummies jumped to their feet # # All the ghouls and goblins just dying to dance, I saw # Gary Yeah.
Oh Oh, that's it, man.
I'm calling Gary, and I'm telling him that payback is on its way.
# Do the vampire # # Hey! # # Do the twist # # Yeah # # Do it with # He's good.
You know, this is just the beginning, too.
He's gonna be doing this all day long.
We're gonna have to think of something to really get back at him.
Yeah.
Yeah You know, something that'll make him wish he was never born.
Absolutely.
Something so horrible that he'll never set foot in this bar again.
All right! All right, all right! What are we gonna do? Soap his windows! You going for, like, a mild irritation sort of thing? Oh, all right, all right, all right.
You know, that was just my first idea.
Uh All right.
All right, yeah, all right.
All right.
What? What? What do you got? Hey! All right! We have a lot of Chinese food delivered to Gary's.
Yeah? And not Moo Shu, just the stuff no one likes.
Yeah? Well, and then, you know, have to pay for it and stuff.
Sammy What? Look, we gotta think of something really good.
Right.
I mean, just for once, I'd like to be on the winning end of a great scam.
Well, uh, just in case, this morning, I happened to put on my Speedos.
Cliff No, no, no, no Hey, Malone, I'd like to talk to you for a second.
Hey, and I'm really, really sorry about this jukebox.
That was the vintage one, wasn't it? Here.
Um Oh, I feel awful.
Let me make it up to you.
# Do it with me, do it with me! # # Come on, Come on! # # Do the vampire # # Do the vampire twist # You're good.
Yes, I know.
Here, I'd like to give you a blank check.
Whatever the damages, just write it in.
And I'd also like to call off all the pranks for tonight.
What's going on here? Well, I went to my doctor today.
He says I have abnormally high blood pressure.
I'm 225 over 90.
Yeah, he also said if I don't start taking it easy soon, I could end up a lot worse, so you see, that's why we got to call off everything for tonight.
So this is not one of your pranks? No, no, no, no Sam, I'm on the level here, okay? I'm really sorry about everything, guys.
A round of beers on me, okay? Just add it to the check, Sam, all right? Thanks, Gary.
Oh, what are you talking about? Hey, come on, listen.
Your health's a lot more important than a bunch of silly pranks.
Wow, you're really a great guy, Sam.
Look, I got to go.
My wife's waiting in the car for me.
She's gonna take me home.
Oh, are we going after him tonight! Sam, he just told you he's sick.
She fell for that! High blood pressure.
My wife's in the car waiting for me.
Honey, don't you see what he's trying to do? He's getting me to lower my guard.
Oh, this is good, this is good.
All we got to figure out now is, is something that'll really spook him tonight.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Well, Sam, how about using the old bloody thumb? That's pretty scary.
Come on, man, forget the old bloody thumb.
No chump would fall for that.
Oh, gee! Helps to have the right chump.
Maybe you gentlemen should be thinking along the lines of high-tech.
What do you mean? Well, a hologram.
You project a three-dimensional translucent image of some ghoulish apparition right into Gary's, thereby scaring the bejeezus out of 'em.
Where'd you get that idea? Well, actually, Lilith and her physics friends pulled it on me last year.
Geez, I must have pulled out five fistfuls of hair.
Hee, hee, hee So, uh, what do you say, guys, a hologram? Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
ALL Hologram! Hologram! Hologram! Hologram! Hologram! Trick or treat, everyone.
Well, rather than let Freddy have all the fun, we decided to get dressed up, too.
Who are you guys supposed to be? See, Frasier, I told you they wouldn't know.
Well, I'm Dante Gabriel Rossetti! And I'm his sister, Christina.
The Rossettis are our favorite figures from the Pre-Raphaelite Brotherhood.
Oh, yeah.
The Pre-Raphaelites.
Yeah? Yeah, a group of 19th century artists and writers who held an almost-childlike submission to nature.
That's very good, Cliff.
How would you ever come to know that? Ah, I came across it at the library.
Yeah, going through art books looking for paintings of naked babes, huh? Really liked 'em fat back then, didn't they? Freddy is, of course, bedecked in the garb of superhero crime fighter Spider-Man.
Interestingly, Spider-Man acquired his supernatural powers from the bite of a radioactive spider.
I tried to explain to Frederick what would happen if one were really bitten by a radioactive spider, but he just cried.
Okay, Fred, time for trick or treat.
Trick or treat, lady.
Here we go.
Oh, thank you.
Thank you.
Hey, mister, trick or treat.
Thank you very much.
Oh, look.
I'd like to tell you something, young man.
I don't know if you realize how lucky you are that your parents let you partake in the better things of childhood.
You know, I never got to trick or treat.
I always had to hand out the candy.
Nobody ever gave me any candy.
Look at that Good boy, Freddy.
Thank you.
That's the first time anybody ever gave me anything.
Thank you, Frederick.
The kid's got a bagful of Snickers, and he gives me a Tootsie Pop.
Oh, boy, do we have a surprise for Gary.
Those physics guys set up the whole thing; the hologram's incredible.
What macabre specter will they be projecting? Carla's disembodied head floating over the bar.
Scary, huh, Norm? Yeah.
What would you do if you saw Carla's disembodied head floating over the bar? What I always do.
Call a cab and go home.
Oh, my Lord! That would scare even the most heartiest soul.
Oh It's like being in a haunted house, isn't it? A haunted house with free taps.
I can't wait for Gary to see this.
He's gonna really freak out.
Oh, here he is now.
Wow! He was so scared he passed out.
Gee, I wonder what we should do.
Well, I think the responsible thing to do would be to bring him to and then, uh, run.
Hey, guys, what if the blood pressure stuff was true? I mean, that could be dangerous.
Oh, come on, give me a break.
He was faking.
He's probably faking now.
Come on, Gary, get up.
I don't think he can, Sam.
I don't feel a pulse.
Oh, come on, you got to be kidding.
No, Sam.
Gary's dead.
Good morning! Morning, Sam.
It's a dark day.
Oh, come on.
You don't really believe that Gary's dead, do you? Do you? I beg your pardon.
You were there.
You saw with your own eyes what happened.
This is Gary we're talking about.
You can't trust him.
Ever.
He's pulling a stunt.
But the police and the coroner confirmed it, Sam.
Oh, no.
No, he-he could've hired them to trick us.
Sam, I realize that Gary's death is very traumatic for you and you're-you're obviously in denial.
No, I am not.
I can't believe you guys.
I'll tell you what.
I'll believe he's dead as soon as they bury him.
Gary's funeral's at 2:00 this afternoon.
This is a good one.
This is a good one.
Life is so unfair.
Yes, Woody, very often we feel that way when someone close to us passes on.
I'm talking about the pumpkin carving contest.
I mean, it had to be fixed.
You should've seen the winner.
Teeth going every which way, uneven eyes, stupid nose.
You should have seen this kid's pumpkin.
Sam? Good morning.
I'm Matt, the bartender from over at Gary's.
Yeah? We're all kind of in shock, but I thought I should come by and give you something from Gary.
This is good.
Watch this one.
Oh, the bowling trophy.
Gary's prized possession.
Gary came back from seeing you yesterday, Sam, and all he could talk about was how concerned you were over his condition.
He was pretty touched that after all this time of being rivals, when it counted most, you really cared about him.
That is so sweet and so sad.
Oh, come on! Give me a break! The guy is probably hanging out around here someplace.
Hey, what're you up at Melville's, Gary? Come on down! Wow, you are cold, man.
I was gonna ask you for a job, but pfft! forget it now.
Now, he's good.
He is really good.
Sam, stop it.
The game is over.
A man is dead.
You know, it's getting a little bit embarrassing.
It's time for you to face the fact that Gary is dead.
That you had a hand in his death.
We all did.
That's the end of it.
Yeah, maybe you're right.
All right, I admit it.
Waah-waah, he's dead.
Come on, you guys.
Lookit, he's bluffing.
I wonder how far he's really going to take this thing.
I'll be he's not even in there.
Okay, so he's in there.
I still think it's a trick.
If he wants to stay in there and suffocate, it's fine with me; it's his funeral.
Oh Sam, we'd like you to be a pallbearer.
Well, why me? I mean, Gary hated me.
It's a shame you never knew how much he thought of you, Sam.
He thrived on your competition.
You brought him life.
Then you took it away.
I don't want to be a pallbearer.
Sam, it's the least you could do.
Oh, I know what he's going to do.
All right, we're walking along here, all of a sudden, the coffin opens up, he reaches out and grabs my hand.
Yeah, right.
Ooh-ooh, I'm scared, yeah.
Come on, Gare, I got you.
Come on, open up.
Hello? Come on out, Gary.
Come on, Gary.
Enough's enough.
It's getting chilly out here.
Sammy? Hmm? Come on, the funeral's been over for hours.
No, no, you don't understand.
See, that's the whole thing about practical jokes, it's timing.
I know this; I've done this a thousand times before.
Matter of fact, if I don't miss my guess, he'll be coming out right about now.
Right about now.
Come on, you're milking it, Gary! Get out of there! I don't think he's coming out, Sam.
Yeah? Well, then I'm I'm digging him out.
Come on, Gary.
Come on.
No, you don't understand.
This is a stunt.
No, come on, you can hear him laughing.
He's laughing I hear you! You're laughing, I know that! Okay, Gary, I'm back.
You can come out and scare me now.
Shh-shh! Watch.
Oh, Sam, he's not here.
Oh, my God What if he's really dead? The thought has occurred to me, Sam.
He's gone.
He's really gone.
Gary had to go out of his way to prove it to you, but, yes, Sam, he's gone.
I feel like I've lost my best friend.
Having Gary around was, like, the one thing that always seemed to pull us together as a group.
Yeah.
Gary really brought out the best in us, huh? No, Cliffie, he brought out the worst in us.
He will be missed.
Boy, I'll tell you, I've done a lot of things that I regret, but I'll never be able to make up for this one.
You know, maybe it's time I stopped acting like an overgrown child.
I mean, a man is dead because I did not have the maturity to know when to stop.
Never thought I'd say this, but I miss Gary.
He's a he's a true friend.
That would have made a better eulogy than "Get out of there, Gary.
" I feel so empty.
Excuse me.
Woody, come, come back here.
Oh, come on, Woody.
God, it's all my fault.
Hey, Woody, come on, man.
You, you don't want to cry by yourself in there.
Come on, come on, man.
Come on, listen, hey, hey, listen to me.
Listen to me.
We all feel bad.
Do you, Malone? Do you really? Trick or treat! You you were all in this together? Hey, the whole city of Boston was in on this one, Sam.
Come on, you're supposed to be on my side.
It was really funny, Sam.
Yeah, but you're my pal, man.
Come on! It was really, really funny! Sammy, I told you.
I told you we wanted to be on the winning end of a great scam.
That was a clue.
Yeah, but you never really gave that Chinese food thing a chance.
Hey, too bad you can't get back at me, Malone, but you're a big boy now.
You don't want to play pretend 'cause people could get hurt.
Whoops! This, I believe, is mine.
Oh, no, wait! Hey, the game is not over, Gary! Hey, listen, I'm going to find something to scare you.
I swear to God I am! Here, use this, Sam.
Ooh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Bloody thumb! Bloody thumb! Whoo! Whoo!