Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - I'm Okay, You're Defective

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Lilith, do we have to do this? Frasier, making out a will is a sensible precaution, and one you've been avoiding for months.
We're seeing the lawyer this afternoon, and we have to get these questions answered.
Look, darling, I find this entire will discussion troubling.
It's not easy to talk about one's mortality.
Oh, just the thought of of being apart from you and-and little Frederick it's well, it's-it's just hard.
So, who gets the wok? The wok?! My God, woman, we're talking about death here! My death, your death, the end of everything! Being lowered into the grave in a silk-lined casket! Yes.
And? And it's upsetting to mammals like me! Look, Lilith, all my life, I've had a problem talking about death.
I know it's irrational, but I can't help feeling that if you talk about it, it'll happen.
Well, Frasier, it will happen.
Stop it.
What, do you think if I hadn't mentioned it, you'd live forever? Well, now we'll never know, will we? # Making your way in the world today # # Takes everything you've got # # Taking a break from all your worries # # Sure would help a lot # # Wouldn't you like to get away? # # Sometimes you want to go # # Where everybody knows your name # # And they're always glad you came # # You wanna be where you can see # # Our troubles are all the same # # You wanna be where everybody knows your name # # You wanna go where people know # # People are all the same # # You wanna go where everybody knows your name.
# Hi, Mr.
Krapence.
Hiya, Woody.
Where's, uh, Norm and Cliff? I guess they're at work.
I don't know.
You got a cute sense of humor, Woody.
I like that.
Uh, I bet you Norm and Cliff are doing something really fun.
Those guys never include me in anything.
What is it about me that's such a turnoff? Normally, Paul, with a setup like that, I'd go for blood, but I can tell you're a little hurt and a little upset, so I'm gonna go easy on you.
It's your looks.
What am I, everybody's punching bag? Oh, come on, lighten up, Mr.
Krapence.
Hey, you want to hear a funny joke that Mr.
Clavin told me the other day? Sure.
What the hell.
All right.
Okay.
What's round, looks like an owl, wears glasses and goofy orange suspenders? I don't know.
What? Nothing.
Hey, everybody.
Welcome back.
May I inquire as to exactly where the hell you've been? Vera? You know, I'm sick of the way you guys treat me.
You waltz off God knows where, and you leave me here with nobody and I mean nobody to talk to.
Hey, I love you, too, Paul.
He's trying awfully hard to fit in, huh? A little too hard if you ask me.
All he does is sit there whimpering and whining, feeling sorry for himself saying, "Include me.
Include me.
Include me.
" You know, that stuff doesn't work.
Well, it worked for you, Cliff.
The point is, it's not going to work twice.
Woody, where's Sam? Oh, he's in the office, Miss Howe.
Hey, get your butt out here, Mister Macho! We've been going at it for six months like a couple of monkeys, and I'm still not pregnant! H- Honey, there-there's an inside voice, and then there's an outside voice.
I think that was your outside voice, don't you? You know, guess who came to visit this morning.
Mr.
Charlie.
That's right, my period.
That means You'd think they'd have a little more respect.
Some of us are trying to drink our beer here.
What, uh, kind of puts you off your beer, does it? Well, no, not really.
It'd take a lot more to do that.
Oh, yeah? Yeah, well, what, uh what-what would it take? I don't know.
How about a plate of meatloaf with an abscess on it? No.
Uh, and how about a, uh, bowl full of scabs? All right.
Well, how about a? Oh, my God.
That's disgusting.
Where do you come up with that stuff? Hey yeah.
Yuck.
But it wasn't enough.
According to the books that I've been reading, I should definitely be pregnant by now.
I think maybe we're going to have to see a fertility specialist.
A what? A fertility specialist.
I asked my doctor to recommend one, and he gave me this card.
No way.
No.
No, no, no, no, no.
We-We're not seeing any doctors.
But, Sam, it's not working.
I think that it's time that we have to face the possibility that there's something wrong with you.
You You know why we're not conceiving? You're too mean to me.
No, I'm not mean.
I'm perfectly nice.
I just think you're shooting blanks, pal.
See, there you go again.
That's mean.
Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Maybe that is.
Maybe I've been pushing too hard.
It's just that God, I want this baby so bad that every time I find out I'm not pregnant, I just go crazy.
Let's not talk about it anymore, okay? Here, just, take the card, and if you want to call the doctor, that's fine.
And if you don't, that's fine, too.
I mean it.
I'm really sorry.
The last thing in the world I wanted to do was hurt you.
Thank you.
I can't make this call.
Your fingers don't work, either? This will get you.
How about losing your balance in a sewage treatment plant? All right, all right, all right, here it is.
How about eating food recovered from an autopsy? All right, I got one.
How about someone coming in from the field who's been working all day, while you're sitting down at the dinner table, and they got no shirt on, and their chest hair's all matted down? That's kind of unpleasant, Woody, but it's not really gross.
Well, that's 'cause you never met Grandma.
Yeah! Hey! Oh, hey! All right! Uh, Wood, you want to put a head on that, please? All right, Frasier, let's move on to the living will.
Imagine you've been hideously mangled and are being kept alive by a respirator.
Factoring in the enormous expense, the uncertainty, the heartbreak, do you really want to be kept alive artificially, or can I pull the plug when the nurse ducks out for a cigarette? By all means, pull the plug.
Smother me with the pillow.
Save time, woman.
Why don't you do it tonight while I'm asleep?! Well, I guess I can't talk to him about anything.
So, where did the two musketeers go without me today? Well, we went hang gliding.
Then we, uh, had lunch with the Miss Massachusetts finalists.
And then, we got to drive a fire truck around for a couple hours.
It was great.
You're kidding! Why didn't you ask me along? Yes, we are kidding, Paul.
We went to McDonald's.
What?! You went to McDonald's?! Woody, where's Sam? "Woody, where's Norm and Cliff?" "Woody, where's Sam?" Now I know how Mr.
Krapence feels.
How come no one ever walks in and asks me where I am? Woody, where are you? Don't ask me now.
Ask me when I'm not around.
I went to the doctor, and I had an examination.
Well, what happened? I don't know yet.
They're gonna call me with the results.
I want you to know that no matter what happens, we're in this together.
There'll be no finger-pointing, no blaming.
And if there is a problem, we'll work through it.
Yeah.
Because we both want the same thing.
Oh, more than anything.
We just want a little baby.
Yeah.
Oh, God.
Oh.
You know Give me a second.
Hello.
Uh-huh, this is she.
Oh.
I just Oh, really? You sure? Okay.
Thank you, Doctor.
All right! It's not me! It must be you! You're the one! Frasier, focus.
If we're going to make a will, we have to get these questions worked out.
I just don't want to talk about my death.
And-or dismemberment.
You know, I don't see us lingering over the question of your death.
Well, that's because, statistically-speaking, I'll outlive you.
Well, I'll just bet you're looking forward to that being the "Widder Crane.
" Frasier, really.
You know, first, you get me to get this $1 million life insurance policy.
Now you're badgering me about the will.
Lilith, I'm practically afraid to start my car in the morning.
Frasier, I'm a scientist.
If I wanted to kill you, I could certainly think of more clever ways to do it than that.
Something subtle.
Something that couldn't be traced back to me.
Drink your drink, darling.
You are so cute when you fear for your life.
You know, Lilith, all this talk of wills and dying well, I've just never been so depressed in all my life.
Frasier, everyone dies.
We have to face that.
I'm going to die, too.
Again? Some people are just a bunch of babies about making out a will.
Think so? Yeah.
Oh, sure, I think so.
I mean, as far as I'm concerned, it's a it's-it's your duty as a mature adult.
You got to prepare for the inevitable there now.
So you took care of it, huh? Oh, yeah, yeah, you bet.
Anything happens to me, everything goes to Ma.
What happens if Ma goes first? Shut up! Shut up, Peterson! Shut up, the whole sick bunch of you! Why should I have to go to a fertility doctor? And I don't want to go to a fertility doctor.
Sammy.
I hate going to doctors, especially fertility doctors.
Sammy, why don't you just go? Why should I? The whole idea that I have a problem is just ridiculous.
Oh, yeah? You've been with thousands of women over the years, right? Yeah.
Right.
Well, how many cards do you get on Father's Day? Well, you know that doesn't mean anything.
Sammy, sooner or later, you're gonna have to face the possibility that, whether you like it or not, you might just possibly have a low sperm count.
You're fired.
Get out of here.
Go on right now.
You're fired.
Don't turn on me.
I'm not the one with the problem.
I do not have a problem! I have just as much firepower as the next guy, I'll tell you.
You think I'm afraid to go to that doctor, don't you? Well, watch this.
I'm gonna go to that stupid fertility doctor.
You know, I bet my fertility just soars right off the map.
I'll bet I break their stupid machine.
Oh, y-you don't think they use a machine, do you? Can I help you? Do you have an appointment? No.
No.
Uh I was just, uh, in the building.
I thought I'd stop by and say hi.
Hi.
Actually, I-I'm here for a cleaning.
This is a fertility clinic.
What, precisely, would you like us to clean? Oh, this this is embarrassing.
I'm sorry.
I thought this was a dentist I-I'm s You know something, though, you know, uh While I'm here, you know, I have-I have this friend who's got a problem, and maybe you could do him a favor, and-and write him a note, huh? Saying what? Oh, it doesn't really matter.
Just, uh, well you know, uh, "To whom it may concern " uh, "Sam Malone," that-that's my friend, uh "Sam Malone has a very, very high sperm count.
Go ahead and have plenty of sex with him.
" Maybe, you know, sign it down here at the bottom.
If you want to, you know, put that into, uh, medical terms, that'd be cool.
I can't do that.
There's 30 bucks in it for you if you do.
You're Sam Malone, aren't you? Yeah.
How'd you know? Believe me, this happens all the time.
The doctor has an opening.
Would you like to see him? Yeah.
All right.
Yeah.
Whatever.
Listen, uh you really don't use a machine, do you? Can I help you? Uh.
no, no.
I just wanted to stop in and say hi.
According to the tests, the doctor says that I am as fertile as an Iowa cornfield.
Fully stocked ovaries, fallopian tubes like fire hoses.
How you doing, Norm? Still drinking.
Hey, what have you got there, Mr.
Clavin? Uh, cake and a pizza.
I was thinking about how we keep leaving Paul out of stuff.
So I thought, why not throw him a little party.
Oh, what a sweet, generous thing to do, Cliff.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, well thanks.
I remember, uh, how lonely and left out I felt till you guys threw me that big party.
We never threw you a party.
No kidding.
Anyway, Paul's not here.
Oh, yeah, no, I know.
I, uh, I called him at home, and I told him to get down here as soon as he can.
He said he was just getting out of the tub and he was toweling himself off.
We have a winner! So, you got a, uh, pizza there, huh? Yeah.
Yeah.
It's pizza.
Yeah.
Paul's really going to enjoy that.
Yeah When's he, uh, supposed to be coming by? Couple minutes.
Couple minutes.
Couple minutes.
That's, uh, pepperoni, huh? You betcha.
Now, did you mention to Paul that we had a cake and a pizza? No.
No, no, I didn't.
So, uh, you know, we still have the cake.
Uh, I mean, if there wasn't any pizza, Paul wouldn't know there wasn't even gonna be any pizza.
Exactly.
What kind of cake is it? It's, uh angel food.
This is bad.
This is really bad.
Why? We should take that cake, put it in the office where it won't be such a temptation.
Good idea.
Yeah.
Out of sight, out of mind, huh? We're going to eat the cake, too, aren't we, Norm? It's gone.
Here.
The will is signed and witnessed.
I hope you're happy, woman.
I wash my hands of the entire affair.
I want that thing sealed up and put into a vault until Until you're sealed and put in a vault? I am just your ball of yarn today, aren't I? I've also given my executor the right to dispose of a few personal effects a few things which might give solace to those who cared about me.
Carla, what would you like me to leave you? How about a tip, for a change? Hey, Woody, Cliff called me and told me that he and Norm wanted to see me.
Where are they? Oh, they're in the office.
Say, Woody, how about you? What can I give you? Oh, well, uh you know those sweaters like that one with the big leaves on them? Yes.
Anything but those.
Oh, hi, Paul.
How are you? Hey.
You guys wanted to see me? Uh-huh.
Yeah.
Yeah, we were just talking, uh We'd like to, you know, apologize for, you know, leaving you out of things and, well, you know, that kind of stuff.
Yeah.
You know, after all, you've only been coming here, what, you know, a few weeks? Ten years.
I've been coming here ten years.
Whatever.
Whatever.
Anyway, uh we just feel like we want to oh, thanks, Woody just feel like we want to make it up to you.
What we're going to do, Paul, we're going to buy you a free beer.
Yeah! Woody, right to the brim for Uncle Paul, huh? There you go.
Wow.
I I can't believe this, you know? Thanks, guys.
It's a really nice thing to do.
Really made me feel special.
Don't mention it, Paul.
Yep.
You guys ate my cake, didn't you? Yes, we did, Paul.
You know, writing this will has forced me to take a good, long look at my life who I've been, who I've become.
As I tally up the ledger of my my life, I I come to one unmistakable conclusion.
I have tipped you adequately.
More, in fact, than you have deserved.
Frasier, I called a cab.
Go clean yourself up.
Okay.
You were never courteous.
Never once.
Sammy, what took you so long? I decided to hang around and wait for the lab report.
When I finally got it, I was afraid to look at it.
I've been walking around the Common hoping someone would mug me and steal it.
Yeah.
Well, those things are really hot.
I carry a sign in my car: "Driver has no lab results.
" Why don't you go ahead and look at it? Might be good news.
Yeah, it might be bad news.
It might be good news.
But what if it's not? Well, you're not going to know unless you open it.
I can't.
You open it.
Oh, I couldn't do that.
I mean, I I couldn't bear to tell you if it was bad news.
But what if it's good news? What if it's bad news? You know, this could turn out to be the worst night of my life or the best.
And the the only difference is a few lousy words on a piece of paper.
Oh, God, you know, this is the rest of my life we're talking about here.
I mean, I-I may have a kid to play baseball with.
Or I may not.
I may have someone to carry on my name, or I may not.
Oh, geez! Boy, it's amazing, you know, how much power a little piece of paper can have.
You know, maybe this is just one of those things that people should not know.
Sammy? Yeah? Give me that trash can over there.
What are you doing? Putting you out of your misery.
It was just a little too painful to watch.
Oh.
Hey, thank you.
Oh! Too bad we don't have any marshmallows, huh? We've got you.
Hey, Fras, your cab's here! Oh, there.
I've pulled myself together.
Now that I have my will, I suppose I can look into the face of death.
Just hope I don't wake her.
I am sorry about the passing of your husband, Lilith.
Frasier was a good man, and we will all miss him.
Thank you.
Well, I now have the unhappy task of reading your late husband's will.
You okay, Mother? Yes.
Thank you, Frederick.
"Sam Malone's sperm count is well within normal range.
" That damn bar.