Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - Don't Shoot... I'm Only the Psychiatrist

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Hey, guys.
I brought in some leftover birthday cake from the party.
Thought you might like to share it.
Whose birthday one of your kids? Yeah, right.
You see a file in it? Today happens to be Elvis Presley's birthday.
Celebrating the birthday of a dead guy? That's kind of ghoulish, isn't it? I don't know how you could stomach something like that.
It's double mocha chocolate fudge.
Long live the King.
Those of us who keep the faith believe that on this day he's going to make his presence known.
Yeah, uh, how's he going to do that? Well, it could be anything song on the radio, whisper in the wind, just something that unmistakably says "Elvis.
" The early Elvis.
# Making your way in the world today # # Takes everything you've got # # Taking a break from all your worries # # Sure would help a lot # # Wouldn't you like to get away? # # Sometimes you want to go # # Where everybody knows your name # # And they're always glad you came # # You wanna be where you can see # # Our troubles are all the same # # You wanna be where everybody knows your name # # You wanna go where people know # # People are all the same # # You wanna go where everybody knows your name.
# Ah, good afternoon, Miss Tortelli.
Oh, Hill.
What, are you on an ugly break? Oh, my.
Someone certainly got up on the wrong side of town this morning.
What's the matter, Hill, your scalp on too tight? Very funny.
Free this evening? Just get it through your hairy ears, whatever happened between us was strictly a seven-night stand.
Oh You're forgetting All right, seven nights, two lunch breaks, and a bus ride.
I love slumming with you.
Well, just forget it.
Today is Elvis' birthday, and I'm not interested.
Get out of here.
Okay, but if you change your mind, you know where you can get me.
Good Lord, do you know where to get me.
Woof! I can't believe it.
What is it, Sam? Oh Tony, my hairstylist he's making a left on Boylston and this bus cut him off.
Car jumped the curb, and he slammed into this hot dog stand and ended up in the middle of the pond in the public gardens.
He's at the hospital now with two broken legs.
Got to cancel my hair appointment.
I hate it when stuff like that happens to me.
Greetings, all.
I have a brief announcement.
You may recall last year I brought in my dysfunctional men's group.
Well, unfortunately, my low self-esteem group heard about it and now they think they're not good enough.
So you're bringing them here? Well, I'd like the group to get used to a normal, healthy, social environment.
So you're bringing them here? Look, all I'm asking, guys, is that you treat them as if they were at home.
You know, they've all been wounded and they're vulnerable, and, well, the truth is, you'll never find a sadder group of people.
Oh, yeah? How about the Donner party? Well, you know, they-they got lost in the mountains and had to watch their limbs freeze off while they ate each other.
Well, you caught me.
Cannibalism is sadder than low self-esteem.
Carla, what's the date? Don't you know? Rebecca, on this date in 1935, Elvis Aaron Presley was born.
A man who was destined to change the shape of popular music.
A man who captured the hearts of America.
A man who, through his music Can I have my drink? taught us all the meaning of love.
Listen, I have a question for you, Tony.
Uh, are your arms broken as well, or is it j-just the legs? Just the legs are shattered.
All right! Say, all right, Tony, maybe if I showed up there with some scissors I could lean over the bed and y Tony? Tony, don't-don't pass out on me, man.
Hello? Who's this? You're his nurse? Ah, great.
Listen, honey, do you cut hair by any chance? Hello? Shoot! I hate this.
I can hear the little hairs scraping along my collar.
Can you hear that, or is that just me? Hey, Sam, why don't you let me cut your hair? That's cute, man, that's very funny.
Took my mind off my hair there for a minute.
No, Sam, I'm serious.
I- I'm pretty good at it.
I cut Dr.
Crane's hair once.
Yes, uh, he did, and I must say he did an excellent job.
No, I don't know, Woody, I don't know.
Sam, look, all right, let me just trim the back, just to get it off the collar so you don't have to listen to it.
So we don't have to listen to it.
All right, just the back, though.
This is what we're gonna need: sterile tungsten steel scissors, English bone comb, and a conditioner with a pro-vitamin B-5 keratin complex.
Got that? And this little tool of the trade.
Take the bowl off the head.
Sam, it's just a little barber humor.
Come on! No, it's, like, uh All right, what do you say to someone who just had their ears lowered? Oh, darn, I blew the joke.
All right Step down.
Step down.
Step down.
Hi.
Wouldn't you know, it's always the one that talks big in the office.
Oh, that's right, that's his ride.
Oh.
Well, all right, uh, the rest of you, uh, mingle.
No, no.
Boys, what we're doing here is huddling.
You do know the difference between huddling and mingling? I know how to mingle.
I just don't want to mingle with people I don't know.
Yes, that's right, Lester.
Frasier, I didn't quite catch that.
Truth be told, neither did I.
I haven't understood a thing the poor sap's said in years.
Frasier, I must restate my objection to your bringing them here.
As I've said previously, this is an extremely risky and somewhat frivolous experiment, which could have negative repercussions.
Oh, Wilma, loosen up the bone a little! This is an uncontrolled environment which could easily get out of hand.
And who's this Wilma? Are you sure you know what you're doing? I think so.
Oh, is that some of your barber humor? Come on, lighten up, Sam! Say, where's your sense of humor, man? Whoo! Airplane ride? Whoo! Don't, don't do that.
Round trip? Whoo! So you from around here? Woody just get to it, will you, please? Hey, suit yourself.
Same price.
It's all right, Sam.
Okay.
So, uh, you're the guys with low self-esteem, huh? Yeah, well, luckily, I don't have that problem.
But then again, how could I? What, with a cerebral cortex that's eight percent larger than the average human's.
Don't look you can't tell.
E- Excuse me, do you wear that mailman uniform every day? Yes, I do.
And proudly.
Do you live with your mother? Well, uh yeah.
Yeah.
Hey, guys, it's Mr.
X.
Uh, gentlemen, let me show you the pool room.
Quickly.
That's the guy Come along.
And that must be Mr.
X's fat friend, Mr.
Y, at the end of the bar! Oops.
What do you mean, "oops"? What's going on back there? Oh, nothing, Sam.
Uh, say, when you came in, did you have gum in your hair? No.
Why? No reason.
I'm just trying to pass the time of day.
Aw Damn it, Woody, you got gum in my hair, didn't you? Uh, no, no.
Here, here.
There.
Out.
What's it look like? It's got a lot of hair in it.
Give me that other mirror.
Give me the other mirror, Woody! Woody! Want to go over and say hi, make 'em feel more at home? I don't know, those guys are wrapped up pretty tight.
Who knows how loony they could get? They might be dangerous.
They might buy us a beer.
I'll do anything to promote mental health.
So, uh, Wynken, Blynken and Nod I know they're alive.
I can hear them breathing.
Rebecca, give us a pitcher, will you? So uh, what are we talking about here? Oh, I'm sorry, Dr.
Crane.
We were kind of making fun of somebody.
Oh, no.
No need to be sorry.
Listen, it's a perfectly healthy sign.
It, it means that you're interacting, that you're feeling better about yourselves.
So, uh, what were you saying about this poor sap? That he's a pompous fool.
Oh, Cliff is just trying to fit in.
We weren't talking about Cliff.
We were talking about you "egghead.
" Me? Hey, remember the time Fras fell asleep, and we, we put his hand in that warm glass of water? That's the first time I ever saw that work.
Okay, we can stop this now.
Hey, remember that time Carla put the green, uh, marble in his martini glass? Carla did that? I broke a crown.
Well, how about the time he, he leaned over his mai tai and, uh, poked his eye with the umbrella.
Look, there is nothing amusing about corneal abrasion.
How about the time at group when he leaned back in his chair to make a dramatic gesture and he got stuck in the venetian blinds.
He did?! Now that's funny.
No it's not.
Did you hear that? He said, "No, it's snot.
" Oh, this is not therapy.
This is just childish abuse.
So we put an end to it right here.
This, this session is over, right now.
Remember, it's a fee and a half because it's a field trip.
Gee, maybe we should go apologize to him.
He's charging you a fee and a half, and you want to apologize? Well, what should we do? Pants him.
There you go.
Yeah.
Yeah, let's pants him! Let's go for it! Pants him.
Pants him.
Pants him.
Pants him.
Pants him.
Pants him.
Pants him Hey, Sam.
Hey, Sam, I hope you're not still mad at me about that haircut thing.
Nice hat, by the way.
You know, my cousin Elmore had a hunting cap just like that.
Of course he decorated it with deer antlers.
Big mistake.
Sam why aren't you talking to me? Sam? Woody? I think he's ignoring you.
Is that true, Sam? You know for a minute there I thought I heard something.
A little tiny voice of a nothing jerk bartender.
Me? I think I was wrong.
I think it was just a tiny little insignificant bug.
Well, that's very funny Sam, but it's not a tiny little insignificant bug.
It's your assistant bartender good old Woody.
I think I got it.
I can't believe it.
I'm being shunned.
Just like back in Hanover.
Just like with the Amish.
Wood? Who, uh, who shunned you back in Hanover? The Amish.
Weren't you here for this part? Please, miss, can I just have my beer? All right.
I'm gonna give you one last chance, and this is a gimme.
What was the year of Elvis' big comeback special? '72.
You're pathetic.
Hey, I paid for that beer.
Well, then I guess you just should have studied, huh? I hope we weren't too hard on Fras.
Well, his being ridiculed in here is one thing, but out in public, that's got to be humiliating.
I know what you're saying.
Yeah.
You know, when I was a kid, I was the first one in my class to you know, develop breasts.
They teased me the whole year.
Oh, yeah, me, too.
Yeah, I took my fair share of ribbing back in Hanover.
Yeah? "Little Einstein" they called me.
"Mr.
Smarty Pants.
" "Brainiac.
" Yep.
I've heard 'em all.
Before I die, I got to see that town.
So what about you, Cliff? Well, sorry I can't help you.
Happy childhood.
Well-adjusted, well-liked.
Class valedictorian.
I'd show you my yearbook, but Ma apparently thought some of the inscriptions were off-color.
So she made me eat it.
Nope.
No problems here.
Hey, Fras.
Don't "Hey Fras" me.
After the way you people behaved today, you're lucky I am even speaking to you.
How dare you treat me like that in front of my patients! I have been your friend, your confidante, your unpaid therapist for years.
And how do you show your gratitude? By humiliating me, by making me a a laughingstock.
Come on, Fras, those guys were scared stiff of you.
That's why they weren't getting anywhere.
We were just trying to bring you down a peg, you know? Yeah, come on, Fras, you've got to admit, uh, sometimes you get up on that high horse of yours.
High horse?! Well, I never.
Oh, God, Lilith was right.
Bringing those patients here was the worst thing I've ever done in my life.
This entire affair has been an unmitigated disaster.
Hey look, there's Dr.
Crane.
Dr.
Crane.
We figured out what you were doing today, and thanks.
I beg your pardon? Well, you were letting us do all that stuff to you just so we could feel better about ourselves.
What a guy.
You know, you've really got to care to go that far.
How about that.
They have figured it out.
This is the best group we ever had.
Yeah, well genius.
Oh, well, I wouldn't really say "genius," Lester.
That is what you said, isn't it? Gentlemen, good night.
Good night.
Thank you, Dr.
Crane.
You've all made wonderful progress today.
Thank you, Dr.
Crane.
Thank you very much.
You know, maybe in a hundred years, they'll be able to walk through a mall.
Bye.
So, you all caught a little glimpse into the life of Frasier Crane M.
D.
, PhD.
Try not to think of me any differently now that you've witnessed my unique gift.
You see, although I wasn't completely aware of it, I intuited what those men needed and I gave it to them, freely and of myself for I am a healer.
That is what I do.
And we are pantsers.
That is what we do.
Oh, no.
No, fellas, not again.
No, no, these are new pants! Sam, I've really enjoyed the way you've been pretending I'm a bug and everything.
But I'm not a bug; I'm Woody.
Sam, where I come from, we have a saying, "An eye for an eye.
" The point being, of course, you're supposed to shave my head, not shave out my eye.
Oh, man.
This is stupid.
I don't want to cut your hair.
You don't? No.
So you forgive me? Yeah, let's just just forget about the whole thing, all right? That that is real noble, Sam.
I mean, here I wrecked your hair, your your beautiful, beautiful hair, the one thing you care most about in the whole world, and yet, you're willing to forgive me.
I mean, you know, every time you look in the mirror, you're gonna be reminded of what I did to you, and yet, you say it's okay.
I have never liked you more than I do right now, Sam ridiculous haircut and all.
Woody, come in the office with me, just for a second.
Sure, why? No reason.
Carla, it's almost midnight any sign? Not one blue suede shoe.
I guess Elvis has disappointed me again.
Well, I'm sure the King had a lot of other people to visit around the world.
Yeah, well, he isn't showing up here or anywhere else tonight.
Uh, I have flowers for a Miss Tortelli.
That's me.
Here you go.
Oh.
Thanks.
"Carla, "I wonder if you're lonesome tonight.
The King.
" Oh, my God.
Oh! I knew it.
I knew I knew he'd come through.
I knew he wouldn't let me down.
But just a minute ago, you know, you started to doubt that I did not doubt.
I never doubted.
I'm going home, Becs.
I'm going home.
I'm gonna stay up all night.
I'm gonna listen to every record Elvis ever made, even "In the Ghetto.
" Uh, Miss Howe, did Miss Tortelli get the flowers? Yes, she did.
In fact, she just ran up the stairs.
Ah.
Did you send those? Yes, I did, but those were just for starters.
This will really push her over the edge.
Woody, what was that buzzing? Sam, with the razor.
Well, your hair looks the same.
It's the only hair I have left.