Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - Bar Wars VI: This Time It's for Real

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Hey, Cliffie.
Hey, Norm.
How's your day? Oh, boring.
Nothing happens in this burg anymore.
I know what you mean.
I am bored.
Ooh, ooh, look at that.
Look what we got here.
What? Look.
Oh, it's the film critic at Channel 11.
No, it's the anchorman at Channel Eight.
You want to, uh autograph? Yeah, yeah.
Uh, excuse me.
Hey, uh Hi, guys.
How are you? Hey, uh, we're really big fans of yours.
Oh, well.
Can we get your autograph? Yeah.
Yeah, sure.
Uh, here, let me get something to write on.
Need a pen? Yeah.
A full-service autograph.
What a guy! Oh, yeah.
You know, I love that, uh, that report you did on that train wreck.
You know, they ought to get you for 60 Minutes as an anchor.
No, I I'm Pulitzer Prize.
John Kerry, Senator Kerry.
From Massachusetts.
Oh, our Senator! I'm sorry, man.
I'm-I'm so sorry.
We didn't mean to bother you.
Sorry to bother you.
Hey, wait, Norm, maybe he knows Senator Gopher from The Love Boat.
Hey, yo! Hey! Hey! Wait, Senator Kerry! # Making your way in the world today # # Takes everything you've got # # Taking a break from all your worries # # Sure would help a lot # # Wouldn't you like to get away? # # Sometimes you want to go # # Where everybody knows your name # # And they're always glad you came # # You wanna be where you can see # # Our troubles are all the same # # You wanna be where everybody knows your name # # You wanna go where people know # # People are all the same # # You wanna go where everybody knows your name.
# Say, uh, Norm, want to go back and, uh, shoot some stick? Oh, I'd love to, Cliffie, but I'm busy talking on the phone with Vera.
Huh? Which reminds me.
Uh, what are you talking about? I'm listening to every single word.
Got this down to a science.
Give me a refill, please, Woody.
Hey, everybody! I have the most wonderful news.
You got a job? I have a job.
I'm sorry.
I confused having a job with being paid to actually do something.
It spins just the same, Carla.
I just got a call from Redbook magazine, and I have been selected as one of the six Boston businesswomen to get a full beauty makeover.
And the final results will be in their next issue.
Oh, that's too bad.
I always liked Redbook.
Rebecca, I can't possibly think why you would need a makeover.
You're always impeccably dressed.
You're constantly alluring without being overstated.
Well, thank you, Frasier.
Your eye makeup gives you a certain feline quality.
It's irresistible.
And I can't see how anyone could possibly improve on the way your hair cascades down your face in that peekaboo fashion.
Much like my own darling Lilith.
Speak of the devil! Not that you're a devil, of course.
Just, uh, the total opposite.
In fact, you're the complete opposite of the devil.
You're i.
, an angel.
There's no need to be nervous, Frasier.
It's perfectly natural for you to be attracted to other women.
It shows you have a, a healthy sex drive.
I'm attracted to other men.
Oh, no, not this game again.
Let's see, where shall I begin? Yowsa! So Miss Howe's gonna be in Redbook.
Well, what is that? Some kind of fashion magazine? Oh, no, no.
It's, uh, more than a fashion magazine, Woody.
It, it's about today's women.
You know, who they are, uh, their wants, their needs.
Cliffie, you read Redbook? I don't so much as read it, Norm.
I, uh, I do take some of the quizzes, though.
Would you believe that I'm actually autumn complected? Hey, guys, you're not gonna believe this.
Gary sold The Olde Towne Tavern.
No! Get out! No kidding.
He sold it to this guy named Frank.
Uh, runs a bunch of bars in other cities.
He's already in.
Wait a minute.
This means that any bar tab run under the previous management would automatically be null and void, right? You have a bar tab at Gary's? Not anymore, Sam.
Oh, no more Gary's? I can't believe that! You know, in a way, I'm gonna really miss that guy.
Miss him? You kidding me? Yeah.
Worst thing that ever happened to me.
I've never been happier to see a guy go.
Aw, come on, Sam.
Nah, he was terrible.
He even turned you guys, my good friends, against me.
Huh? You remember Halloween? Oh.
When you convinced me that I killed the man? Ha ha.
Yeah, you hate to see the great ones retire.
Boy, without Gary, what's left for us, huh? So, huh, what do you think? You ready to start a rivalry with the, uh, new bar? What are you talking about? Yeah.
Come on.
It's a golden opportunity.
We can win this time.
We can steal all of Gary's best ideas and use 'em against this new guy.
And you remember how Gary's always going first? We can learn from that.
We can move first ourselves.
Very good, Sam.
As that famous prankster Santayana once said, "Those who do not learn from history are condemned to repeat it.
" You got that right, Doctor Crane.
Back in high school I was condemned to repeat History three times.
By the way, the same goes for Mathematics.
Come on, come on.
What do you say we show this Frank guy there's another bar in town? Do we really want to let ourselves in for that kind of humiliation again? Sure! Oh, no, no, Sam, I think Normie's right.
I mean, if there's one thing Gary taught us it's that we're nothing but a bunch of losers.
Yeah, but the new guys don't know that.
Well, let's show 'em, huh? Yeah! Okay, I'll be right back.
Look at me! Lilith, look at me! Isn't this exciting? Yes.
Every so often people need to recreate themselves.
And frequently the metamorphosis has very positive results.
You should've seen what I looked like back in my college days.
Bowwow! So, Rebecca, you're having a makeover, huh? Yes.
You know, uh, I don't understand.
I mean, if there was ever a person who didn't need a makeover, it's you.
I think you're perfect just the way you are.
Oh, well, thank you, Paul.
Boobs, too, or just the face? Just the face.
I assume you've just come from the new Olde Towne Tavern.
Yeah, we went for an often used stunt, but one that's sure to bring a smile.
We teepeed the whole front of the place.
And how will they know that you're the dastardly ones that did the deed? Good question.
Could have been the Mensa chapter from M.
Ah, we soaped their windows "Regards from your friends at Cheers.
" Yeah, and I threw a few packs of "Cheers" matches with our address in there.
I stuck my head in the door and yelled, "Cheers rules!" Yeah, if they can't figure that out, they're the stupidest bar in town.
Ooh, I wouldn't go that far, Sam.
So all we got to do now is, uh, sit back and see what these guys are made out of.
Yeah, I can't wait to see what weenie retaliation Frank comes up with, huh? Yeah, yeah, it'll be the standard novice stuff.
You know, rubber rat behind the bar or something.
Yeah, stealing the sign out front.
Having 20 pizzas delivered.
Oh! Yeah, whatever it is, there won't be any imagination connected to it.
These guys are rookies.
They'll just come up with something pathetic.
Well, we better get this cleaned up before the pizza arrives.
I'm here to take some pictures of the wreckage.
Oh, she's way over there.
So, uh, you're a Redbook photographer, huh? Mm-hmm.
How'd you manage to land this assignment? Mouthed off to one of the editors.
So, uh, Mr.
Malone, do you have any idea who could have done this? Yeah, I do.
The new owner of Gary's Olde Towne Tavern.
A guy named Frank.
See, what happened is we went over, you know, in the spirit of gamesmanship, and I gave him the old welcome to the neighborhood.
Teepeed their bar.
Yeah, we considered plastic explosives on their front door, but thought, "Nah, too funny.
" Do you have any idea who you're dealing with here? What do you mean? How do I explain it to you? Um, this guy Frank is kind of "connected," if you know what I mean.
Wow, he wears a pacemaker? Oh, now I really feel bad.
No, no, you don't understand.
His full name is Frank "The Angel of Death" Carpaccio.
This guy's associated with some very bad individuals.
You're kidding me! I'm afraid not.
Oh, my God! We just teepeed a mob bar.
If you want, Mr.
Malone, I suppose you can press charges.
Of course, I saw some pictures of people who pressed charges against Mr.
Carpaccio and his associates on different occasions.
It turned my stomach.
Wait'll you get next month's Redbook.
Uh, look, it'd probably be a good idea to just let the whole thing rest, you know what I mean? Yeah, thanks, yeah.
Oh, uh, one other thing.
Uh, we're not gonna be much help to you here.
You see, uh, we're all scared of the guy, and we pretty much let him do whatever he wants.
Boy, I feel safer with those guys around.
Oh, holy mother! What have we done? Oh, come on.
We didn't know, Carla.
You don't understand, Sam.
This is not gonna end here.
I mean, these guys are new in town.
They're gonna want to make examples of all of us.
If I may interject, I think you've all seen too many Godfather movies.
I agree.
Should have stopped at two.
That notwithstanding, I don't think we should run off in a panic here.
Don't you see what we're doing? We're stereotyping these people and letting our irrational fears convince us that they intend to do us bodily harm in some cold-blooded fashion.
Now, with that said, I will bid you all a fond adieu for a couple of weeks.
Lilith, Frederick and I are going on vacation.
What are you talking about? Oh, don't you remember that trip we talked about, dear? We didn't plan a trip.
Oh, it'll all come back to you in the cab.
Let's go.
Come on.
But I need my briefcase.
No, leave it, woman! Move! Oh! Look, Sam, I know these people.
Okay? I mean, it's one thing to be into them for money.
They got a sense of humor about that.
But it's another thing to humiliate them like we did.
I mean, they're not gonna forget about this.
Oh, you know, Carla's right.
The only thing we can do is go over and apologize to Frank "The Angel of Death" Carpaccio.
Nah, Cliffie, that's not gonna do it.
We have to go over there and beg like dogs.
Oh, no, wait a second, wait a second.
What? I just had a thought here.
What? Who would like to see us beg more than anyone else in the whole world? Sammy, you don't suppose Vera's behind this whole thing, do you? No, I'm talking about Gary.
Gary? Yeah.
What do you mean? Well, think about it.
I mean, the guy sells his bar and disappears.
The guy who buys it all of a sudden moves in instantly.
I mean, come on, we're being set up.
We're a bunch of suckers.
You think? Yeah.
Remember Halloween? The guy crawled into a coffin, you know, and pretended to be dead just to scare the bejeebers out of me.
Yeah, I'm glad we got that on tape.
You got that on tape? I'm talking out of turn.
I- I-I get this, I get this.
You mean, we go over to Gary's crying like babies, and Gary jumps out of the wall laughing his head off.
How many times does Gary have to make us look like jerks before we wise up, huh? Well, you know, there's some things you just can't put a number on.
Hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it now.
You mean when all is said and done, at the end of this, I'm still going to have a tab at Gary's? Yes, Norm.
That bastard, let's get him.
I got an idea.
Why don't we just play along with this, huh? Why don't we go over there and, uh, "apologize?" Yeah, I see what you mean.
We apologize to him.
Yeah, that's right, apologize in a big way.
Apologize like he's never been apologized to before.
This is great.
What are we doing? I'll explain it to you later, Woody.
Yeah, well, uh, can we keep talking in these voices? Hey, Mr.
Krapence, tell Miss Howe we'll be back after a while.
Boy, every time I set foot in this place, it gives me the creeps.
Norm! How do they know you in here? Hey, Sammy closes on Christmas morning.
Okay? Excuse me, uh, is Mr.
Carpaccio around? Oh, Gary went all the way, didn't he? Look at that guy.
Dark shirt, shiny suit, jewelry.
If you want to get a girl, you got to know how to dress.
Uh, fellas? Excuse me, uh, Mr.
Carpaccio? Yeah, what is it? My name's Sam Malone, sir.
We're from Cheers.
Oh, yeah.
You're a bunch of funny guys over there, aren't you? Uh, yeah, about that, sir, we're here to apologize.
You are? Oh, yes, sir, you see, uh, we had this kind of friendly rivalry with the previous owner, Gary, and, you know, we just thought we'd try to start a little something with you, that's all.
We didn't mean any harm by it.
Well, Mr.
Malone, I appreciate your coming down here to tell me this.
Shows you got respect.
I didn't scare you too much, did I? Yes, sir, you know, it'll take much more than an exploding door to, uh, scare off Clifford Clavin.
Well, what about that clown at the car wash? I'm a little bit frightened of clowns, okay? It's normal.
Well, the incident is forgotten; it never happened.
Thank you very much.
Now, that's a load off our minds, isn't it? Yeah.
Say, you're the, uh, barmaid over there, aren't you, at Cheers? Yeah, I am.
Hey, you know, we need a new one over here.
We had one, but, uh, she was a big blabbermouth.
Sorry, I got a job.
Actually, you know, we were thinking, this being a new business and all, we thought, you know, maybe you could use a few extra customers.
Just to show you we're not, uh, having any hard feelings here, we thought we'd fill the place up for you.
You know who's really a thirsty bunch, Sam? Firemen.
Oh, that's a good idea, firemen.
Now, how can we get firemen in here in a hurry? You just leave it to me.
How's that, Gary, wet enough for you? # Singing in the rain # Hey, what the hell is this?! You people don't know who you're fooling around with! You're dead! You're dead, do you hear me? Your family dead! Your friends dead! Your pets dead! Dead, dead, dead! Well, I understand congratulations are in order.
You beat Gary at his own game.
Gee, I wish I could have been there with you when you did it.
Well, maybe you could have if you hadn't run out of here with your tail between your legs.
Well, Carla, in my profession we encourage people to go with their feelings, and at that time my feelings were stark, gibbering terror and borderline incontinence.
Oh, that's all right, Dr.
Crane, we all get scared.
For example, when Mr.
Clavin sees that clown outside the car wash, he starts screaming at the top of his lungs.
I got a phobia, okay? Let me tell you a story here about a sweet little eight-year-old called Cliff Clavin.
On his eighth birthday, his ma hires a clown.
Great idea, right? Except for one thing.
None of the other kids show up.
So here I am with this clown for five hours.
Just me and him, back and forth "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
" I keep screaming, "Enough, enough," but, no, Ma wanted to get her money's worth.
Excuse me, are you Sam Malone? Yeah, what can I do for you? I'm Inspector Hanson.
Agent Carmichael, FBI.
We have some business with you regarding a Frank Carpaccio.
Oh, man, Gary doesn't give up, does he? How do we, uh, know you gentlemen are from the FBI, huh? Yeah, yeah.
That's the real McCoy, all right, Sammy.
It's not like the one I got down at the mall.
We've been conducting an investigation into the activities of Mr.
Carpaccio, also known as "The Angel of Death.
" Well, wait a minute.
What are you telling me? Are you telling me this guy's a legitimate criminal? I've spent five years in court trying to prove that.
Only every time I get close, my star witness ends up in some warehouse dangling from a meat hook.
Well, I'd love to stay and chat, but I'm wasting precious vacation time.
Anyway, yesterday evening, we made a recording of a conversation in which Mr.
Carpaccio threatened you, Mr.
Malone, along with several other unidentified people, whose lives are all in danger now.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God! Wait a minute.
What does this have to do with us? Well, we'd like all of you to testify against Mr.
Carpaccio in court.
Excuse me.
What? What are you doing? Look, if I can get to confession fast enough, maybe I can get capped in a state of grace.
Carla, come on, that's not gonna help.
Look, Sam, they want us to sing against this guy in court, okay? We'll all be dead.
Us? What about our pets? Oh, my God! Oh, my God! What are we gonna do? It's all your fault, Peterson.
What? You're the one who wanted us to go back there.
Yeah, but Carla pulled the damn fire alarm! Hey, don't blame me! Sam's the one who made us buy the umbrellas.
Hey, Norm choreographed the stupid number! It took a team of four men 12 hours, but I think I'm worth it.
What do you think? About what? About me! About the new way I look.
Hey, honey, we're a little busy right now.
Do you mind? I mean, we just found out that we insulted a mob boss and he's threatened to kill us.
We could be in a little bit of trouble right now.
But I'm blonde.
See? You don't get it, do you, Rebecca? This isn't a game.
We could all get killed.
Yeah, but look.
Even my roots are blonde.
Rebecca, would you just shut up for a second, please? All right, fine.
I'll just go show people who are less self-absorbed.
Hey, everybody, look at me! Look at me! Listen, people, we've got to act quickly here.
We're moving in on Carpaccio sometime during the week.
In the meantime, we'll have to relocate all of you until he's safely behind bars.
We have to get moving right away.
There's a bus outside.
What about my kids? Well, we'll assign an agent to take care of them.
Will he have a gun? Oh, yes, he will.
Then he's got a fighting chance.
Let's go, people! No, wait a minute, wait a minute.
I'm not going.
What do you mean? Listen, this is, this is my whole life.
You know, I've worked too long and too hard to give up everything that's important to me.
You're taking quite a risk, Mr.
I- I can't live my life in fear.
Well, we all can.
And time's a-wasting.
Let's go.
Hold it, hold it.
If Sam's not going, I'm not going either.
What? Oh, Woody, wait a second.
I, I can't let you take that risk.
As long as you understand, Sam.
Let's make tracks, folks.
This is it? Where's the agent supposed to meet us? Maybe we'd better get back on the bus, huh? Hey.
Hey! Whoa! Whoa! The last bus of the day.
I'm freezing.
I'm hungry.
I'm thirsty.
Guy wouldn't let me take my beer on the bus.
Yeah, we know that, Norm.
You only said it about a thousand times.
Well, he wouldn't.
Must be the agent.
Hello? Carla, hi! Sam? How you doing? Terrible! We're stuck out here in the middle of nowhere, waiting for someone to pick us up.
You're all alone? Yeah, for about 200 miles.
Wow! Is it cold? Yeah, Sam, I'm cold.
I'm freezing.
I'm thinking about hugging Clavin.
Boy, what a shame.
Hey, listen, honey, you remember, uh, last Halloween when you guys pulled that hilarious stunt on me making me think that Gary was dead and that I was responsible for it? Yeah.
Well gotcha! Now let me get this straight, Sam.
This, this was all your doing? The exploding door and all that damage that you did to your own bar? The expense of paying all the people involved? The bus fare to get your stooges all the way out to North Dakota? It cost me a fortune! I had to take out a loan! I'll be paying it off for ten years! Well, I guess the joke certainly is on them, isn't it? Boy, he really rubbed our noses in it, didn't he? You got to love the guy.
I'm a better person just knowing him.
Well, at least out here we're safe from that mob guy.
No, no, Woody.
Let me explain it to you one more time.