Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - An Old-Fashioned Wedding

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Move it, you deadbeats.
We're closing early.
Woody, our bartender's, getting married, and we're all going in the wedding.
Go on.
Get the hell out of here.
If you're still thirsty, go on over to Bob's.
Gee, it's nice to see my cousins again.
You know, sitting here in my dinner jacket, I feel I should be tossing off brittle Noel Coward bon mots.
Do you know any brittle Noel Coward bon mots? As a matter of fact, I do.
It seems that after being told that a very boring acquaintance of his had put a bullet through his brain, Coward said, "He must have been a remarkable shot!" Did he often find humor in the tragedy of others? Well, darling, you're missing the humor, dear.
He got his jollies from massive head trauma? Don't You're missing the whimsy Oh, for God's sake, Frasier! Can you imagine the state of mind that would drive a man to do something like that? Can you picture the despair he must have felt facing a future in which any hope or joy seemed utterly impossible? I think I can picture that, dear.
# Making your way in the world today # # Takes everything you've got # # Taking a break from all your worries # # Sure would help a lot # # Wouldn't you like to get away? # # Sometimes you want to go # # Where everybody knows your name # # And they're always glad you came # # You wanna be where you can see # # Our troubles are all the same # # You wanna be where everybody knows your name # # You wanna go where people know # # People are all the same # # You wanna go where everybody knows your name.
# So what'd you clowns get the happy couple? Well, uh, you know, Carla, recent surveys show there are a lot of wasteful duplication in wedding gifts.
Yeah.
Everybody gets like, you know four toasters and four-dozen fondue forks.
They always wind up sitting in a closet somewhere.
Yeah, so, uh, we went for the, uh, practical.
Yep.
Ta-dah! Hey, wait a minute.
Is that a new garbage can? Um yeah.
Like hell it is.
You just took that out of your kitchen and brought it here! Hey, this is a seasoned receptacle, okay? Oh, God! They got some fetish to look at a brand-new garbage can, they can come over to my kitchen.
Darling, what's taking you so long, just to write a simple card? We're the most articulate couple Woody and Kelly know.
I'd like to leave them with some words they can reread and cherish Yeah, if they're still married then.
Forgive me if I seem unduly cynical, but geez, I've treated so many emotionally scarred husbands and wives, it's hard for me to get sentimental over a simple greeting card.
What'd you write? "May you never forget the way your hearts leapt up when first you gazed into each other's eyes.
" Oh, God Lilith! I still remember! Whoa, guys, this is going to be some kind of wedding reception.
I tell you, it was pretty nice of Mr.
Gaines to buy all his liquor from us.
I think I'm going to throw in that special case of wine I got in here.
Sam, you might as well leave on your apron.
You're going down to the cellar.
Oh, yeah, you're right.
It's all cobwebby down there.
It's a perfectly sensible precaution.
After all, it's not as though he slept in a shower cap.
No.
Oh, well, so what if he did? I mean, uh, like any guy might.
You know, to keep the spiders off his head.
Do you realize, when I publish my book on borderline psychosis, every penny I ever spent in this bar will be deductible? I just hope it's a short wedding.
I can't wait to get to that cake.
I'm starving.
So I gather the preparations for this event have been somewhat lavish.
"Somewhat"?! We are talking about the wedding of the year! Look at this guest list tycoons, philanthropists, European royalty.
The kind of wonderful crowd that I could be mingling with right now if Robin and I had stayed together which, of course, we didn't.
He went his way and I went mine and the dream ended and that was that.
And now I've got to go over there and schlep booze so those rich pigs can pour it down their ugly throats! Life sucks.
Okay to call on you for a wedding toast? Hey, here's the blushing bridegroom now.
Hi.
How're you doing, Woody? Fine.
Fine.
What're you smiling about there? Am I smiling, Sam? Okay, I'll stop.
You're acting all weird.
What's going on? Am I acting weird, Sam? Okay, I'll stop.
Yeah, you're spacing out.
You've got that goofy look on your face and that look in your eyes that I always get right after Aw, don't tell me.
You and Kelly couldn't wait till your wedding night, could you? Oh It gives me a whole new prospective, Sam.
You know, suddenly I understand all those jokes you guys have been telling me.
And by the way, ha-ha, Mr.
Peterson.
And ha-ha-ha, Mr.
Clavin.
And ho-ho-ho, shame on you, Dr.
Crane.
Tell me, Woody, why, after three years of chastity and just hours before the wedding? Well, Kelly was modeling her trousseau.
And she just looked so good, and we couldn't help ourselves.
And we figured it's okay as long as we're getting married today, you know.
You still respect me, right, Sam? Aw, come on, you'd still respect me, wouldn't you? Let's not open up that can of worms.
Ah, Woody, I understand completely.
You know, forbidden fruit is often the sweetest.
Many men look back on premarital sex as the last real thrill they had before the cold, dead hand of matrimony turned what was once exciting into predictable routine According to this idiotic book I read.
I just worry about Kelly's father.
He's pretty traditional about those things.
I wouldn't want him finding out.
Hi, lover.
Gee, I don't know what would tip him off.
Shouldn't you be home getting dressed? Uh-huh, but I missed you.
Oh, I missed you, too.
You know, no matter how often I see it, the sight of young lovers never fails to make me sick.
Kelly.
Kelly Kelly! Look, uh, I gotta ask you something.
I'm making you guys an astrological marriage chart for a wedding present.
And I gotta get some information.
Oh, gee, I I don't know my sign, but I know I'm not a Virgo.
I know your date of birth and where you were born, but what I gotta know is what time you were born exactly.
It was 8:00 in the morning.
Okay.
I weighed seven pounds, three ounces.
I had very fine hair and a tiny little birthmark on my shoulder.
Daddy said it was the sweetest thing you've ever seen.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Can you believe that sweet, innocent baby girl grew up and got it on with the Woodman this morning? Kelly, who's performing the ceremony? Don't you have an uncle who's a minister? Yes, Uncle Roger.
But it didn't seem right to ask him.
He's going through a terrible divorce right now.
Apparently, he got tired of coming home and finding his wife in bed with Hives.
Well, it's pretty insensitive of him.
Hives is their butler.
Oh.
Oh, oh Oh, bad news, guys.
The wedding's off.
What are you talking about, Carla? Well, according to my chart, this is the worst possible day for you guys to get married.
If you do, the wedding will be a disaster.
Oh, for crying out loud, Carla! You ought to know by now, horoscopes are for suckers.
Oh, they're for suckers, huh, Clavin? Sure.
I was reading an article debunking them in last month's UFO Spotter's Guide.
You know, kids, astrology is bad enough, but she's also a Cassandra into the bargain, always prophesying doom.
You know, when Lilith and I got married, she predicted that our marriage would descend into a life of endless bickering.
That's not exactly what she said, Frasier.
Yes it is, word for word.
No, you're misremembering, as usual.
It's my story.
Why can't you keep your oar out? Because inaccuracy is a mark of sloppy thinking.
And what is butting in a mark of?! I'm telling you, Woody, You've got to call this thing off.
Just reschedule it for any other day but this.
Well, that's out of the question, Carla.
After what happened this morning, Kelly and I have to get married, or she'll be a fallen woman, and I'll have brought disgrace on my whole family, just like Uncle Orlo.
He got caught checking into a motel with a cream separating machine.
It may not seem shocking now, but in the early '60s, that was considered pretty weird.
No, got to get married today.
Woody's right.
If we don't get married today, we'll never be able to face each other.
Okay, suit yourselves, but don't blame me.
Aw, come on, don't listen to her.
Okay, Kelly, we'd better get you home so you can get into that wedding dress.
Now come on you two, cut it out.
Come on.
Otherwise, you're going to be getting married in nothing but high heels and a wedding veil.
How would that look, huh? Trust me, Sam.
Oh, that's great.
Okay, Rebecca, you ready to go? Uh, no, no, no.
I want a picture of everybody first with us all dressed up.
Come on.
Everybody get over here on the steps.
You know, it's amazing how different we all look when we're dressed up sort of sophisticated and debonair.
Hey, for crying out loud, Norm! You stepped on my shoe! Do you know how long it took me to get that shine on there?! Oh, did Cliffy get his little shoesy-woosey messed up? Hey! Will you knock it off? How would you like a smear on your "triple Es" pal?! Okay, all right, I've got it set.
In five seconds the picture goes off.
Darn it, I think my eyes were closed! Come on, Carla.
As soon as we're finished setting up, we can enjoy the wedding.
I'm telling you, Rebecca, nobody's gonna enjoy this wedding.
The stars don't lie.
The day is gonna be a disaster.
There's gonna be carnage, bloodshed, destruction.
People will be fighting each other to get on stretchers and begging to be put out of their misery.
Carla, if you feel that way, why didn't you just stay home? What? And spend the night with my kids? Whew! Boy, I'll tell you, those are two of the fiercest guard dogs I've ever seen.
Mr.
Gaines says if you just call them by name and speak firmly to them, they're gentle as lambs.
Well, that's good to know.
What are their names? Hitler and Attila.
What do you want me to do with this wine? Uh, why don't you just put it over there in the wine closet? All right.
Oh, oh, oh.
Wine closet.
These certainly look delicious.
Uh! Uh! Ow! I have told you again and again don't touch the food! I am the caterer.
You are just bar people.
Why are you being so rude? You know, we're caterers, too.
Opening a bag of potato chips does not make you a caterer.
Huh.
That is not a bag.
That is a can.
Those are Pringles, Mr.
Big-Time-Know-It-All chef.
Hey, that's the nicest wine closet I've ever been in.
Well, Robin and I were gonna have one, too.
It was gonna have stereo and hanging plants and two little chairs and a little table, and we would sit there late at night with a very special bottle of wine.
The son of a bitch.
You wanted to talk to me, Mr.
Gaines? Yes, Woody, now that we're almost family, Mr.
Gaines sounds pretty cold and formal.
Dad? But better than that; have a seat here, Woody.
Now, Woody, I don't think I've ever tried to hide the fact that I dislike you intensely.
I appreciate that, sir.
The only reason I've accepted this union is that my daughter loves you so very much.
Oh, I know she's had other suitors with better backgrounds, but they all had one thing on their minds.
They couldn't keep their hands off my little girl, and I hate that.
But you, on the other hand, have always seemed to respect and love my daughter.
But believe me, if I thought for one moment, you didn't respect my Kelly, I'd call off this wedding and have those dogs of mine eat you alive.
Do I make myself clear? Oh, yes, sir.
Now, Woody, I know this sounds like a meddlesome father-in-law giving advice, but it isn't.
It's a threat.
Think he's starting to like me.
Hey, Woods.
Hey, ah, that is a good shot right there.
Okay, there, Rebecca! Say cheese! Oh! Oh, man! Think you got enough wattage in that thing? Oh Hey, you're missing quite a party out there.
What are you talking about? I thought the reception was after the wedding.
Oh, yeah, but as soon as he met Woody's relatives, Mr.
Gaines opened the bar right away.
Yeah, we'd better take some hors d'oeuvres out there.
I am not going to tell you again.
Keep your hands off my savories! Oh, my.
I haven't heard that since high school.
You-you have a real attitude problem, you know that, you little creep?! Hey.
Now you're taking me back to high school.
Huh.
Yeah.
Teachers, huh? As long as you two guys are out here, why don't you give me a hand? Hilarious.
Cliff, dry off those glasses, and Norm, open up those wine bottles.
Hey, does anybody have a plunger? Why? Something happen to the toilet? No, my Uncle Elroy left his leg on the bus, and he wants to dance.
Yeah, well, if I see it, I'll send it out to him.
Woody! Woody, for the last time, will you call this thing off before disaster strikes? Carla, I couldn't even if I wanted to, now that Kelly's in a family way.
Family way? Just from this morning? Wouldn't surprise me.
Farm boys know these things.
She's got that same glow we used to see on the brood sow's snout after we'd fed the hogs fermented swill.
Yeah? Pretty soon, she'll be grunting, squealing and cranking out piglets.
Never lose those stars in your eyes, Wood.
Woody.
Oh, Kelly! You ever look gorgeous! Shh.
Daddy would kill you if he saw us together before the wedding.
Oh.
Okay, I'll see you later.
See you later, Woody.
Oh, boy, huh? Yeah.
Looking at those two, it's hard to believe that one out of every two-and-two-thirds marriages in this country ends in divorce.
Where do they get those stupid statistics? What is two thirds of a marriage? Plenty, believe me.
Hey, come on, you guys.
You heard Mr.
Gaines.
Woody, if he sees you and Kelly smooching like that, he's gonna throw a fit! Kelly, where are you? Oh, hey, Carla, give me a hand here, will you? I told you disaster was gonna strike.
Come here, come, come out here.
Kelly, you're not downstairs, are you? You have to hide her! Uh, yeah, Kelly, out through the, uh, s-swinging doors.
No, no, no.
Nobody can see her until she walks down the aisle! How about the oven? Carla! How about the dumbwaiter? My cousin and I used to hide in there when we were little.
Ooh.
Ooh, it's cozy in here.
Woody No, don't even think about it.
Kelly? Kelly? Oh, hi, Mr.
Gaines.
Hi, Woody.
I can't seem to find Kelly.
She didn't go out there, did she? I think she's around here somewhere.
Woody, you haven't seen Kelly, have you? Uh, no.
No, sir.
No.
Not me.
Not before the wedding.
I wouldn't want to see Kelly naked.
I mean, uh, married.
I mean, I don't believe in seeing her naked marriages, or being naked when you see a marriage, or any of that stuff, not even with a veil.
More bourbon, Sam.
Lots more bourbon.
Yes, sir.
The big bottles.
Oh! I couldn't have held on to that rope much longer.
All right, I don't want to take any more chances here.
You go up to your room, Kelly.
Now, would you two stop that! Now, come on.
Woody, Woody, Woody, get out there and, uh, mingle with your, uh, guests.
Come on.
See you later, Woody.
Love you.
Love you, too.
Love you more.
No, you don't.
Yes, I do, too.
Love you more than anything in the whole world.
Wuv you, wuv you Yes, I wuv you, wuv you, too, Woody.
Now, uh, you go out there and mingle with your new in-laws, huh? Are you a history buff, Sam? Uh, no, sir, I'm not, actually.
Why? I was thinking about Mussolini.
Ah.
Oh, I know you hear a lot of negative things about him but any man that had his own son-in-law shot couldn't have been all bad.
All right, I think everything's okay here.
I'll just, uh, make sure that Woody's behaving himself.
Well, hello there.
Can I, uh, help you? I'm Cousin Monika.
Oh.
Well, I'm Uncle Sam.
I need a paper towel.
I'm afraid I spilled a bit of wine, right here.
Oh, really? Well, it doesn't show.
It does if you look closely enough.
Oh, yes, you're right, by golly.
That's a beauty it's too bad you had to get a stain on it.
Throw that to me.
Thank you very much.
Let me, uh, get this for you.
You're as gallant as you are attractive.
Well, I try for an even mix.
Are you part of the groom's family? Actually, I'm the best man.
I'd enjoy being the judge of that.
This is hardly the time or place.
Of course, under the gift table in about half an hour would be all right.
There you go good as new.
Thank you.
Whoa, w-wait a second, what-what's your rush? My husband will be looking for me.
Can you believe that? She's married! She didn't seem to be a fanatic about it.
Oh, hello, Father.
Can I help you? I'm Dr.
Chatfield.
I'm performing the ceremony.
I've been retired so long, I've forgotten how tiring the preliminaries can be.
All that handshaking and yak, yak, yak.
Is there somewhere I could just sit and put my feet up until it's time? Well, sure how about right over here? Just keep him out of my part of the kitchen.
I still have the whole cake to decorate.
Well, I wish you'd hurry up I'm starving to death.
I haven't had a thing to eat all morning except one of those little candies.
What little candy? Those little candies shaped like brides and grooms.
I made this for the top of the cake! You bit the head of my groom! I'm sorry I didn't have any idea that that was for This is the last straw! You have been an irritation ever since you walked in.
Now, I want you out of here.
No! I can stay here, too! I've been working very hard, and except for eating the groom, I've done a damn good job.
If you don't like it, why don't you just leave! Very well.
We shall.
Allons-y! Probably not the smartest move for a bunch of guys who have been handling liver all day.
He left.
Well, you told him to! Yes! But nobody ever listens to me.
Why did he have to be the first one? Say, is the minister out here? They need him for a photograph.
Right back here.
All the waiters and the chef, how are we going to replace them? Just relax.
We can handle this ourselves.
Oh, really? How are we going to do that? We'll just do whatever those clowns were supposed to do.
Now, come on, listen to me.
This is Woody's wedding day.
It's the most important day in his life.
We're not going to spoil it.
Now, we'll just ice the cake, and serve the hors d'oeuvres and don't worry about it.
There's no need to panic.
I think somebody better tell them to wait on that photograph.
Why is that? Because the minister is dead.
Dead? He can't be dead.
He just sat down there to take a little nap.
Frasier, are you sure? I trained as a physician.
Believe me, he's dead.
You don't make that mistake twice.
Oh, the poor, old thing.
Would you stop that?! Aw, no, poor Woody.
There goes the wedding.
Yeah, unless one of you knows an incredible ventriloquist.
Well, somebody better go tell him.
You're right.
Oh, he's just going to be crushed.
Break it to him gently, Sam.
Sam? Why am I the one who's responsible? Hey, Woodrow! How're you doing, man? Hey! Hey, Sam.
I just came in to get my boutonniere.
Oh, he just, uh, came in to get his boutonniere.
Oh.
Listen, I didn't get a chance to thank you guys for making this such a wonderful day.
Helping me out with Kelly's dad.
Oh, well, we'd do anything we could for you, pal, anything humanly possible.
I know you would, Sam.
I- I know you all would, and thank you all.
This is just the greatest day of my whole life.
Aw, well, that's terrific.
Say, how would you feel if we had to cancel it? What, are you kidding? No way.
Why would we? Oh, I don't know, you know, say the minister was, uh Called away.
Called away.
He's retired, Sam.
That's for sure.
His wife died ten years ago.
He doesn't have any family.
From what I hear, he hardly has any life at all.
You heard right.
Whereas, I have the greatest life anyone could ask for and you know, the greatest friends and I-I'm going to marry Kelly in 30 minutes.
And I just feel like the luckiest guy in the whole world.
You sure are, pal.
Bye-bye.
Oh, great.
What are we going to do? Well, I suppose I should call the police.
Yeah, one of us better tell Mr.
Gaines, too.
Oh, that'd be great.
What are we supposed to do, throw rice at the hearse? I'm telling you, if we tell anybody, they're just going to cancel the whole celebration.
Rebecca's right.
A dead body at a wedding is a bad idea.
Both times we did that in my family, we regretted it.
Boy, look at him, Norm.
One minute he's here, next minute he's gone.
Really makes you think, doesn't it? Friendship, mortality, the afterlife what's it all about? That's a nice watch he's wearing.
No.
No, Cliff, no.
I'm just saying, is all.
Wait a minute.
Wait, wait, wait.
Didn't Woody say something like this old man didn't have any friends left? Well, what harm would it be if we just didn't tell anybody for a few hours? What are we going to do with Father Bye-Bye? Who's going to perform the ceremony? Well, Kelly said something about having an uncle who's a minister.
Uncle Roger! Great! Okay.
Cliffie, go find Uncle Roger and bring him in here.
Roger! That's what I just said.
Go, go-go-go.
Frasier, uh, go stall while I send out more drinks.
Uh, Norm, Carla, get the body in the wine cellar there.
Uh, Rebecca, ice the cake.
Why do I always get the hard part?! Just do it, will you please? Come on, come on.
Hurry up.
Can you believe this, Carla? We're actually putting a dead body in a wine closet.
Honey, if I had a nickel We're lucky.
Maurice already left the icing here, so maybe I can do this cake.
But what am I going to do about the little figure for the top? Uh, can't you repair it? Uh, here, yeah, use this.
Sam, that's pate.
You want me to make the groom's head out of meat? Why not? It's supposed to be Woody.
Sammy, Sam.
Uh, Uncle Roger.
Oh! Hello, Uncle Roger! Very pleased to meet you, Sam! I've heard wonderful things about you.
Who are you again? Well, I'm the best man, sir.
We were wondering if you could help us out here and perform Kelly and Woody's wedding.
I'd be flattered! I love weddings.
Yeah, they're such a marvelous, young couple.
Do I know them? Uh, quick, black coffee, Norm.
I love black coffee! Black coffee is marvelous! But you know what's even more marvelous? Oh, yeah.
Oh, here we go.
Here we go.
There.
Okay, Uncle Roger, this is Norm.
He's going to help you prepare your remarks.
Pleased to meet you, Norm.
I've heard marvelous things about you! Uh, Cliffie, uh, serve some hors d'oeuvres.
Keep people happy, will you? Very good.
What's taking so long? Shouldn't the wedding have started by now? Uh, well, something came up, Lilith.
I'm afraid I can't go into it, but, uh, maybe it'd be a good idea if you went out there and, you know, were to sing and dance and use some of your natural talents to entertain people.
Oh, my God, someone died, didn't they? You can count on me, Sam.
Good heavens, death at a wedding.
How appalling.
All right, see? Huh? No need to panic.
Everything's under control here.
Du dort! Ich glaube Du bist der nachdem ich suche.
Pardon me? Ich will nicht, dass Sie mit meiner Frau flirten! "Frau, frau," that's German.
Anybody speak German? Just the basics, Sam.
Uh, "Lowenbrau, Michelob, bratwurst.
" Ah, good, good, good.
Here we go.
Here we go.
I wanted to take German in high school! It really interested me! But it conflicted with Driver's Ed! Anything, huh? Gehe wieder an sie heran und Du kannst fuer den Tod eines Hundes beten! Yeah, well, Ich bin ein Berliner, pal.
Listen, I'm sorry.
I can't help you.
Sam, What? I think he's saying he needs to go to the bathroom.
Oh, I bet you're right.
I'm sorry.
Right through the doors there, Goldfinger.
Dieter! Du bist gewamt worden! Hey, how you doing, Monika? I'm sorry.
Was my husband being a pest? Your husband? Oh, listen, when we met, I didn't know you were married, let alone to the Kaiser there.
Oh, pay no mind.
He's hideously jealous of every man I am even polite to.
Well, maybe you're just too darn polite.
The reason I came looking for you, Sam, is to give you a little gift.
Oh, oh, yeah.
Listen, you didn't have to do that.
Consider it a down payment.
Now I have a problem.
My legs are cold.
How do you think I can warm them up? Well, if you were a cricket, you could always rub them together.
Don't tease me, Sam.
I'll be expecting you unless you need another incentive.
No-no-no-no-no, no more incentive.
No-no-no.
Thank you very much.
Oh, Lord, what am I gonna do? Hey, buddy.
How are you doing? Oh, hey, Sam.
I'm missing her.
I want to go up and say "hi" to her.
Ah, no, no.
Can't you keep your hormones in check just for five minutes? Look who's talking! Aw, yeah.
You got me there, pal.
You be careful! Boy, Sammy, you ought to see Lilith out there.
She's really working up a sweat, singing, dancing, doing impressions! She's doing everything but playing the spoons! I'm cooking.
Give me an A-flat.
Thank you.
# When you're smiling # # When you're smiling # # The whole world smiles # You know, maybe it wouldn't be so bad to let them see the corpse after all, eh? Oh, Uncle Roger! You feeling better? Well, well, yes, I am feeling better.
Ah, good.
You feeling up to performing a wedding? Perform a wedding? I'd sooner be dead.
Oh, now, now, don't, don't you get started on this.
I hate weddings.
Well, my own marriage was a, a disaster.
I- I-I at times I prayed I would die and go to a better hell than the one I was living.
Oh, my Just talk to him, will you, Norm? What am I gonna do, argue with the man? Marriage ruined my life! Oh, Norm, Norm, if you only knew.
Amen, brother, amen.
Not now, Cliffie! Uh, do me a favor.
Take Uncle Roger out there.
Find Frasier and get him some therapy fast.
Sure thing.
Okay, buddy boy, let's go.
Are you married? Uh, no, sir, I'm not.
Came close once, but no.
Well, she was a lucky girl.
Why, thank you, sir.
What's the holdup? Where's Dr.
Chatfield? Uh, Dr.
Chatfield, um, has, uh, challenged the chef and the waiters to a footrace in the park, and that's where they are now, footracing.
Thank you very much.
He was going for it.
Sir, uh, the minister should be ready in about five minutes.
Well, then I'll just use this opportunity to get the champagne out of the wine closet.
Oh, good idea.
Uh, everybody loves wine, Rebecca.
No! No! Please, this is far too dangerous.
Let me go down there for you.
I'm just gonna select a vintage.
Rebecca, can you sew a button on for me? Kelly, what are you doing down here in the kitchen? Now that you're here, let me get a look at you.
Oh, yes, yes, let's all look at her.
Kelly, you stand right over there by the pâté.
Oh! Oh! Isn't she beautiful?! Yes, yes, yes.
I'm just a bartender, but even a dumbwaiter like me can see how beautiful she is.
Oh, look at her, Mr.
Gaines.
Turn around, Kelly.
Look at that dress! Look at that hair! Look at that train! Well, you're just a little store-bought princess, aren't you, Kelly? Oh, Cliffy! Cliffy! Ah, you're just in time.
Yeah, the bride and her father would like to have a shot before the wedding! Oh, yeah, sure thing there, Sammy.
Okay, now just look at me.
Uh, just look at Cliff.
I already hired a professional photographer.
I know, but spontaneous is so much more fun.
Smile! Oh! Yeah! Oh, oh! Coming through, sir.
Coming through.
Okay.
Here we go.
Let's get another one this way.
Yeah, good idea.
We'll, uh, spin right around here, Turn around.
and I'll get a picture of your baby blues.
Oh! You blinded me with that damn flashbulb.
Will you be reasonable?! I tell you, I won't perform another wedding.
What the devil was that? Uh maybe it was the radio.
Oh, yeah.
Turn off that damn radio! I've got a splitting headache.
I'm gonna go upstairs and lie down.
No, sir.
You gotta pick a vintage here so we can drink champagne.
Do you eat a lot of sugar, Sam? No, sir, I'm just a fool for weddings.
What are you doing dressed like that? Come on.
Mr.
Gaines could see you.
Get out there.
I still need to have my button sewed on.
Woody was kidding around, and he kind of bit it off.
Where is the button, Kelly? Well, Woody has it.
I got it.
I got it.
Woody! Oh, my God.
Give me the button.
There you go.
Here, Rebecca.
Sew it on, quick.
Sam, I'm icing the cake.
If I weren't icing the cake, I would sew on the damned button, but I am icing the cake.
You don't know how to sew, do you? I don't even know how to ice the damned cake.
I can sew.
Yeah, Ma thought it was a skill every young man should learn.
Oh, that was very sensible of her.
Oh, sure, I can also knit, crochet and do bargello.
You ought to see this petit-point rug I did of John Wayne ascending into heaven.
Big dogs.
Big, hungry dogs.
Thank God, I'm saved.
Sam, here we are.
Well, that's quite a pair of dogs you got there, sir.
Thank you.
This ought to do it.
Put those on ice for later.
On ice, sir.
Yes, sir.
I wonder how Lilith is doing out there.
And this time, just the women yodel.
Here you go, Mr.
Best Man.
Thank you very much.
My pants are torn.
Oh, I'm sorry, Woody.
Uh, Kelly's father was down here.
Listen, why don't you run up to her room there? Uh, Cliffie's sewing on a button for her.
Maybe he can take care of your pants.
You'd think those dogs would know me by now.
Mr.
Gaines is always giving them one of my shoes to sniff.
Quick, quick, haul him up.
Okay, now, if we can get the body in the wine cellar, and, uh, and Frasier to fix Uncle Roger, and Rebecca to fix the cake, and Lilith to entertain the guests and Cliffie to fix Woody's pants and we'll be all set.
Sammy, I hate to be the one to break this to you, but the, uh, body seems to have fallen off the dumbwaiter.
Aw, gee.
Just when everything was going so well.
The body's gone, Sam.
Well, we're just gonna have to find it before somebody else does.
"Horoscopes are for suckers, Carla.
" Hey, does anyone know where this dumbwaiter goes? The cellar, I think.
Robin and I were going to have one, right off the kitchen by the inglenook, those little leaded glass windows, overlooking the little herb garden.
I'd love it if he were dead.
Okay, tell you what.
Go outside there, see if you can find the entrance to the cellar.
No problem, Sammy.
Problem, Sammy.
All right, all right, all right.
Plan B.
Uh All right, somebody climb in the dumbwaiter here and, uh, I'll lower you down.
Okay.
Okey-doke.
No, uh Just a thought, but maybe Carla should go, huh? Oh, sure, sure.
I'd love to be lowered down into the cellar on a rope to look for a dead body in the dark.
Who believes in horoscopes? Are you there yet? Uh, a little more! Hello, Uncle Sam.
As long as you have my stockings, I thought you might need something to hold them up.
Oh, uh, gee, I-I wish, uh not now, not now.
No, look, this is wrong.
Listen.
This is my buddy's wedding today.
I can't spoil it.
Besides, I have certain moral standards that I just refuse to compromise.
Right after the wedding, my poor husband has to fly to Dusseldorf.
Okay, but I'm buying breakfast.
I don't feel good about this.
But I've felt a lot worse in the past.
Carla, honey, I'm sorry! That wasn't funny, Sammy! Have you got the body? Yes.
Now pull us up.
All right.
Here we come.
Here we go.
I see you.
What are you doing, Sam? Ooh! Nothing.
Nothing.
Why? I need a bandage for Mr.
Clavin.
He pricked his finger sewing my button on, and he's being a real baby about it.
Apparently, his mother used to tell him bedtime stories about gangrene.
Carla! Honey! No, no, no! I'm not listening.
Roger, please! I'm a psychiatrist.
You're a minister.
We're both professional men.
We're in the business of helping people.
Don't make me hit you! I am not going near that wedding.
Oh, Sam, I give up.
I've tried every known therapy.
This man is beyond the help of medical science.
I don't understand this.
I mean, he, he was perfectly happy when he was drunk.
Calling Dr.
Daniels.
Dr.
Jack Daniels.
Carla?! Sweetheart, I'm sorry.
You are a dead man, Malone.
I'm sorry, honey.
I- I'm gonna pull you up right now.
Hey, you want to give me a hand here, Norm? No, no, no, no.
With the body.
I gotta get the minister into the wine closet.
You know, this guy didn't move around that much when he was alive.
I'm sorry, sweetheart.
Oh, no, no, don't apologize, Sam.
Your dropping me was funny, and then the second time was hysterical.
Then this third time, I said to myself Sie dort! Ich habe Dich gewart.
Nun wirst Du dafuer bezahlen! No, no, no.
Frasier, do you speak German? Ich werde dich wie ein gefeseltes Schwein multilieren.
Well, I picked up a smattering during med school, but it's been so long.
I did recognize the word "mutilate," though.
Das ist nicht Alles was ich abschlagen werde.
He speaks too fast for me, Sam, but I can tell you this he's clearly insane.
Good with a sword, though.
Tell him I didn't touch his wife.
Bitte.
Es ist ein, er, Fehler.
Dieser ist der falsche Mann.
Der falsche Mann? Yah.
Oh, good.
Now, please tell him to put his sword away.
Er ist unschuldig.
Tut ihm nicht weh.
Oh.
Oh.
Thank you, Frasier.
Whew! Boy, I tell you, I thought I was a dead man for sure.
Du Schmutiziges Schwin! No.
No, no, no.
These are mine.
Yeah, yeah, see I, uh surgical condition poor circulation.
Yeah, oh, oh, that feels much better.
You know, actually, uh, that does feel better.
Er ist bestimmt der falsche Mann.
Er ist ein "Poofter.
" Well, I tried to tell you.
Ein "Poofter.
" Hoert Alle, der beste Mann ist ein "Poofter " Ich bein "Poofter.
" Ein "Poofter!" What's a Poofter mean, anyway? Well, it means you'll never have to worry about the German draft board.
Oh, Lord.
At the very least, I thought I was gonna get the living daylights kicked out of me.
The night is young.
Ooh! Sammy, you're gonna have to let her out of there sooner or later.
Yeah, yeah, later.
Much, much later.
For crying out loud.
$72 million and they can't afford a bottle of Bactine.
I tell you, if I lose this finger, this house and everything in it is gonna belong to me.
Just remind me to call my attorney after the wedding, all right? Wedding? I love weddings.
Oh Well, in that case, how would you like to perform the ceremony? I can do better than that.
I will perform the ceremony! So, where's Woody, anyway? Oh, he's upstairs with Kelly.
Yeah.
I- I was beginning to feel like a third wheel.
Yeah.
Do you want to give me a hand here? Why are we the only people who find that funny? Well, all right, Roger, shall we get going there? Mm.
Not so fast! Can't I get a chance to kiss the bride? No, no.
Not now.
Plenty of time for that after the wedding.
Yeah.
Y-You know, I, I'm somewhat sloshed.
Yes, well, it'll be our little secret.
Yes, you're right.
Black coffee.
Quick.
I need a blindfold and three sharp cleavers.
Lilith, you don't need that.
The wedding's about to begin.
Like hell.
Not before my big finish.
Okay.
Looks like we're all set.
Where's Woody, anyway? Oh, God.
He's upstairs with Kelly working up another smile.
What? Finally, we seem to be ready to start the wedding.
I'll go upstairs and get Kelly.
Oh, no, no, no.
Mr.
Gaines.
Right, Sam, and you get Woody.
Let's do it.
All right now, you go upstairs, Mr.
Gaines, to Kelly's room! Sam, please.
You're yelling loud enough to wake the dead.
Oh, yeah, if only I could.
Do you think there's any way for him to get out of that bedroom? Yeah, he could always jump out the window and come to the back door.
Oh, cool.
Maybe this is him.
Whew! I wonder what put the fear into those dogs? Oh, Mayday It's payday! No, no, no, honey, please, sweetheart You stand still and take it like a man.
No, no, I never fight with women, especially one who could cream me.
Baby, let's stop it.
You've just finished icing the cake.
Someone could get hurt by accident.
It won't be an accident! No.
Please.
No, Carla don't.
Carla.
Please.
I need help.
Attention everyone.
Here comes the bride.
Oh! Oh, Mr.
Gaines, you must be so proud.
Woody, that was close.
Boy, now I'm really gonna have to marry her today.
Okay, buddy.
You ready to go out there? I'm ready, Sam.
All right.
Here we go.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Wood, before you go out there Listen, there's something I'd like to give you that well, I wish that someone had given to me on my wedding day.
Cliffy, you want to hold him, please? No, no, no.
Whoo! No, it's okay, Mr.
Peterson.
I really love her.
Okay, Wood, just don't come complaining to me in about ten years.
Although you will know where to find me, won't you? Turn around here.
Oh, man, I'm so proud of you.
Oh, thanks, Sam.
Thank you very much.
Come on.
Come on.
You see, Carla? You were wrong.
Oh, sure, it could have turned out to be a disaster, but we all worked together and we got everything done.
You know what? I think this wedding's gonna turn out just fine.
Just fine.