Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - The Beer is Always Greener

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Hey, Sammy.
Hey, Tim! I just heard the news.
You had a fire? Yeah.
A couple weeks ago.
Gee, the place looks great.
Yeah, thanks a lot.
We've been working pretty hard.
We've got our grand reopening tonight.
So how'd the fire start? Oh, yeah, glad you asked.
Sit down.
Right there.
Right there, yeah.
(chuckles) Rebecca! Right over there.
I burned down the bar with a carelessly tossed cigarette.
It was a stupid thing to do and I will be paying for it for the rest of my life.
Hey, Sammy, you did a great job on the rebuilding.
The place looks a million times better than it did before.
SAM: Yeah.
Thanks, Paul.
Uh, Sammy, uh, Paul told me all about the fire.
Gee, that's tough, man.
Oh, yeah, thank you.
Oh, you want to hear how it started? Yeah, sure.
Yeah! Great, great.
Sit down right over there.
Rebecca! Right over there in the sweater- go ahead.
I burned down the bar with a carelessly tossed cigarette.
It was a stupid thing to do and I will be paying for it for the rest of my life.
(theme song begins) Making your way in the world today Takes everything you've got Taking a break from all your worries ♪ Sure would help a lot ♪ ♪ Wouldn't you like to get away? ♪ Sometimes you want to go Where everybody knows your name And they're always glad you came You wanna be where you can see Our troubles are all the same You wanna be where everybody knows your name You wanna go where people know People are all the same You wanna go where everybody knows your name.
Afternoon, everybody.
ALL: Norm! Hey, Norm.
Gettin' ready for the big opening.
It's right here, Sammy.
Start pouring beer in it anytime.
Listen, I guess we have to start a new tab, huh? It's too bad we lost my old bar tab in the fire.
Actually, I-I had it in the safe.
You did? Mm-hmm.
Why? Well, to tell the truth, it's kind of my most valuable asset.
I like to think of it as my-my retirement plan, you know.
I figure, one of these days, you'll start paying and I can start thinking about retiring.
Yeah, well, um, I'd make other plans.
Phone company.
Looking for a Rebecca Howe.
That's me.
Well, hello! The name's Bernard.
If I'd known you were such a foxy lady I would have worn my clean pants.
(clears throat) Bernard, we need you to get the phones working.
The one here in the bar and one back in the office and the pay phone over there.
We haven't had phone service in two weeks.
Relax, pretty lady.
I'll give you service.
Get it? So much for foreplay.
Just fix the phones! Hey, huh? You still got it with the guys! Look at this place, huh? Can't wait to see how surprised Carla's gonna be when she sees how much work we've done in the last couple of weeks.
Say, where is Carla, anyway? Oh, she, uh, took a temporary job over in that new bar in Boylston, you know, "Mr.
Pubb's"- one of those chains.
She'll be here for the grand opening, though.
Yeah, well, I, for one, don't miss her that little foul-mouthed, fright -wigged rodent.
Hi, Carla.
(screams) Hi, guys.
Woody, what are you doing back here? How come you're not on your honeymoon? Honeymoon? Is that what you call it when two people lock themselves in a room and refuse to speak or even look at each other? No, Wood, that's marriage.
Hey, what happened? Well, Kelly and I found out we're from different religions.
I thought you and Kelly were both Lutheran.
Oh, well, that's what I thought.
It turns out she's Lutheran Church of America, I'm Lutheran Church of Missouri Synod.
What if we had children, we'd have half-breeds.
Woody, very often these problems can be resolved by, uh, a group session.
Oh, no, I don't think so, Doctor Crane.
The sight of Kelly with another man would drive me crazy.
No, no, Frasier's talking about counselling, Woody.
You are, aren't you? Counselling! Yes! See? Perhaps Lilith and I could provide some help.
Oh, that's nice, Doctor Crane.
I'll-I'll ask Kelly.
If she's not too busy begging at airports or whatever those people do.
I'll be finished in about an hour.
Tell me something.
You ever seen the ceiling of a phone truck? Listen, buster.
You get my phones working or I'll come down on you with a sexual harassment suit that'll make your head spin that is if there's a neck in there somewhere! All right! All right! Phew! Your service'll be back on in a couple of hours! Phew! Lesbian, huh? You'd be surprised how many of those I run into in a day.
Who put a quarter in this bar that I just finished varnishing? I did.
Go ahead, try to pick it up.
Well, I can't.
It's stuck in the varnish.
That's right, right! You can't pick it up no matter how hard you try! Why don't you guys just go away and come back tonight for the reopening.
This is the way you treat us? We come in to help you, and now you kick us out? Two hours of putting the Indian and the wooden lady in dirty positions is not helping.
Tell you, fellas, if you want you want to help out why don't you go over and get Carla.
She's at the bar on Boylston- Mr.
Pubb's, okay? Get her back here.
I want her an hour early.
We're gonna have that ribbon-cutting ceremony.
Sure thing, Sam.
Say, Normie.
Want to stop on the way for a sandwich? It's three blocks over- Boylston? No, no, no, not to worry, Cliffy.
I stuffed my pockets with pretzels.
Something I learned in the Boy Scouts you've got to be prepared.
Ah, you were in the Boy Scouts, huh? Yeah, for about a week, then I quit.
How come? Well, there was some talk about going on a hike.
Welcome to Mr.
My name is Carla.
I'll be your server for the evening.
What can I get you? Give me a Scotch on the rocks.
An excellent choice, sir.
That's great, Carla! That's the first time you did it without the Mr.
Pubb's Handbook! Bite my pubb! Well, Carla, you've really come a long way in the past two weeks.
Thank you, sir.
A Scotch on the rocks for table 12.
Coming right up.
So's my lunch.
Boy, oh, boy! (both chuckle) This place have enough neon or what? Yeah, it looks like the inside of a UFO in here.
No, actually, Norm, they're quite different.
I guess.
Welcome to Mr.
Someone will be here in a moment to help you, friends.
Just need a couple beers, that's all.
Oh, from which country? We have over 200 to choose from.
Well, what say, Cliffy? Once around the world and then home? (laughs) All right.
Oh, man, wow, look at this.
I mean, not only do they have a video arcade but they've got, uh, ten big-screen TVs right over there in the wall.
Each one of them televising a different game.
Boy, I-I-I bet your neck, though, will get really sore moving your head back and forth from game to game.
Try just moving your eyes.
Hey! Cool! (laughing): Well, well, well! Where's your organ-grinder? Right here.
I just mean, you know, don't you feel kind of silly in that outfit? Of course I feel silly in this outfit.
I can't wait till my shift ends, so I can get my pay-check and head back to Cheers.
Carla, we have a birthday at table four.
Ooh, a birthday! (mocking Carla): Ooh, a birthday! (groaning) If you guys, if you guys ever, ever say one word about what you are about to see me do, the last thing you'll see is me takin' a bite out of your still-beating hearts! Ready? One, two, three.
A happy, happy birthday from Mr.
Pubb to you A happy, happy birthday from Mr.
Pubb to you! Yay! Boy, poor Carla, huh? I'd hate to have a job like that.
Wearing a dorky uniform out in the public all day.
There but for the grace of God, Norm.
Okay, overstuffed potato skins.
Hey, we didn't make fun of you.
These! These! It's happy hour.
They're complimentary.
What are you guys doing here anyway? Sammy asked us to come by to make sure you stopped by Cheers early.
I'll tell you, I can't wait to get out of this hell-hole.
Carla, could I see you a minute please? Yes, sir.
Here's your pay-check for the past two weeks.
You had a rocky start, but, at the rate you're improving, I think you might just be up for a promotion in the next month or so.
Seriously? Here at Mr.
Pubb's, we believe in promoting from within.
Wow! I see you noticed our Mr.
Pubb's satisfied customer bonus.
I never had a satisfied customer bonus before.
Come to think of it, I never had a satisfied customer before.
By the way, Carla, can you work an extra couple hours tonight? We're a little short-handed.
You bet I can.
That's the Mr.
Pubb's spirit, Carla.
(exclaiming) Hey, listen, guys.
Something just came up.
Uh, you're gonna have to tell Sammy that, uh, I'm gonna be late tonight.
What?! Hey, come on, it's Sammy's big opening night.
You're gonna break his heart.
Just tell him I'll explain later.
Oh, that's amazing, Norm.
Carla's not gonna show up there for Sammy's grand reopening.
Well, let's go back and, uh, break the news to him, I guess.
Wahba, wahba, wahba, everybody.
It's luau night here at Mr.
Pubb's, complete with complimentary pupu platters.
(drumbeats) We're not going back to Cheers, are we, Cliff? No, we are not.
Hey, fellas, look what I've got here.
What's that? You know the bar business is getting more and more competitive.
And I've been wracking my brains trying to figure out how I can compete.
I think I've finally got the answer.
A toaster oven? Yeah.
See what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna put some saltines in here, melt some American cheese on top.
Serve them to the customers, buck a plate maybe.
Well, there goes my last reason for staying home.
Sam, you'd better get started on those.
The grand reopening is in less than an hour.
Whoa, you're kidding me.
Where the hell are Carla and the other guys? Hey, do me a favour, will you fellas? Will you go over to that, uh, Mr.
Pubb's place and, uh, bring 'em all back please? Oh, I don't know, Sammy.
Oh, come on.
It really is kind of far, Sam.
Yeah, let them come back on their own.
All right, all right, all right, a complimentary plate of cracker snacks in it for you.
What do you say? (whispering) Each? All right, all right, all right.
You drive a hard bargain.
Get out of here.
Hi, everyone.
Kelly, I admire you for coming.
Well, I believe a marriage is worth saving.
Well, that's not all she believes.
Ask her why she believes the Book of Concord and the Scriptures are on the same level.
Go ahead, ask her.
Because they're not.
(imitates buzzer) Ask her why the sacraments are considered vehicles of grace.
Go ahead, I dare you.
They're symbolic memorials.
Heretic! Now, now You two Perhaps a page from Frasier's and my personal history will calm the waters.
Woody, Kelly.
I am Jewish and Frasier is Episcopalian.
Now originally, we feared this might cause conflict in our marriage.
But then we learned to compromise, even in the raising of our son, Frederick.
We make sure he experiences both sides of his religious heritage.
As usual, my darling wife is right.
Frederick goes to synagogue every Friday night.
He delights in hiding matzos at Passover.
The family celebrates Hanukkah.
Meanwhile, Christmas comes and goes without so much as a tree.
Odd, really, because a Christmas tree isn't even symbolic of Christianity.
But apparently it threatens Lilith's Jewish faith.
Look out, everybody! A fir tree! and Frasier Crane's going to bring it down with a four-foot tree and some tinsel! KELLY: Excuse me.
I'm just not sure how this applies to us.
Your religious differences are extremely inconsequential.
One is reminded of Gulliver's Travels in which two countries warred over which side of an egg gets cracked: The narrow end or the rounded end.
Well, that's ridiculous.
Of course it's the rounded end.
Oh, Kelly, I don't even know who you are anymore! Sam, give me two beers and a scotch on the rocks.
I don't get it.
Cheers is opening again and none of my close friends are here.
That's because you've sent everybody over to Mr.
Pubb's to get Carla, who, by the way, is two hours late.
You know what this reminds me of? It reminds me of that spooky movie, where those people keep going into the barn and then they disappear.
And so they send other people to go in there and they disappear.
And then, still others go in the barn and they disappear.
And then they find out that there's a psycho killer in there stabbing everybody.
What was the name of that movie? Don't Go In The Barn.
(mouthing words) This is crazy.
I'm going over there right now and bring them back.
Hold down the fort, will you? REBECCA: Okay.
Congratulations on your reopening.
Trust me, one Lambada with Bernard, and you'll never look at another woman.
You don't get it, do you? We're born this way.
(music playing through TV) Wow.
All these big-screen TVs getting satellite feeds from all over the world.
Yeah, well, Normie, it is the information age.
We can receive up-to-the-minute stock prices, medical breakthroughs, political upheavals from all around the globe.
Of course we'd, uh, have to turn off the cartoons first.
Oh, there you are! Hey, fellas! GROUP: Hey, Sammy! What are you doing here? You're missing, you know, the opening.
What, it's that late already? Is it that late already? You telling me you just been playing, playing games around here and watch, watching the TVs? Sam we got caught up in them, you know? Yeah, hey, Sammy, is this place great or what, huh? Yeah, but so is a little place called Cheers.
Or have you forgotten? Did you tell them about the cracker snacks? I'm talking about American cheese on top of some saltines and everything.
Maybe 50 cents a plate.
Can't beat that, huh? Excuse me! Hi! Happy hour ribs, complimentary.
You, uh, you were saying, Sammy? Never mind.
Never mind.
Carla, hey, what're you doing? How come you're still in uniform? You're supposed to be at Cheers.
I'm not going back, Sammy.
What do you mean? Well, I want to.
I really do, but they're paying me too much money here.
I can't give it up.
What are you saying? Are you saying you're quitting? Well, when were you gonna tell me? Never? I tried to call you, but I couldn't get through.
And then I asked the guys to tell you, but none of them ever went back.
Whoa, wait, wait, wait, wait- this is crazy.
You and I have been working together for 14 years.
Sammy, can't you be happy for me? I mean, I've found a job that pays me a lot of money.
Fine, all right, fine! I'll tell you something, you want to quit, you have the courtesy to come to my bar and tell me face-to-face.
And until you do that, I consider you still employed at Cheers.
Okay, fine! I'll stop by to quit as soon as I'm off.
Yeah, you do that! Okay, I will! Yeah, fine! Fine! Yeah, "fine" back! Hey, fellas, enjoy the ribs! You know, uh, American cheese is one of the world's finest cheeses.
Melted on a saltine, that's a that's a party in your mouth.
Anybody feel like maybe we should, uh, walk on back to Cheers? Yeah, let's do that, huh? Okay.
Hey, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Boys, be prepared.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, Carla, let me get this straight.
You're really not going back to Cheers? I know it's a lousy job, Norm, but for the amount of money they're throwing at me, it's nothing I can't take.
Carla, uh, I'm gonna put a new trainee with you for the next two weeks.
She's a bright girl.
She's, uh, an anthropology student at B.
Ellen! Ellen, come meet Carla.
Well, you must be Carla.
I know what you're thinking: "She doesn't look like a waitress.
" That's because I'm really a writer.
Or actuellement, a poetess.
(screaming) Well, Mr.
Missouri Synod, you demanded to see me? Yeah, Kelly, uh, would you please sit down here? Something very important to tell you.
Listen, uh, what's gone on these last few days has affected me very deeply.
I love you, Kelly.
That's why I'm now a member of The Evangelical Lutheran Church of America, just like you.
Oh, Woody! You've saved our marriage! What a wonderful sacrifice.
Now when we die and go to heaven, we won't be separated by barbed wire and barking dogs.
What was it exactly that saved you, Woody? Well, something Dr.
Crane said.
That thing about how true love can overcome all differences? Not exactly.
Uh, he took me aside and said I'd better get used to giving in to you on every point for the rest of our lives if I ever wanted to see you naked again.
Well, he is a Ph.
, you know.
Yes, dear.
Shall we resume our honeymoon? Yes, dear.
Woody, today you are a man.
Yes, dear.
Hey, Carla, I'm so glad you're back.
Yeah, me, too, Sammy.
Why won't you tell me, you know, why you left that place? Sammy, believe me, you're better off not knowing.
Just swear to me you'll never go back in that bar.
Well, you're talking like there was some sort of psycho killer there or something.
If only Sammy, just swear to me you won't go back.
Well, I won't go.
I'm just glad you're here.
Yeah, isn't it funny how things work out? I mean, you know, if I'd stayed at Mr.
Pubb's, I would have made a lot more money, but I never would have met my date for tonight.
Your date? Yeah.
Ready to go, sweetheart? Mm-hmm.
Last straight broad in America, and Bernard's got her.