Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - The King of Beers

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Woody's a married man, huh? Yeah.
Yeah, what a lucky guy.
Indeed, he is.
There's nothing like wedded bliss.
Plus, he's got that wedding ring.
Now, that is a real babe magnet.
Please, it's an old wives' tale.
Not so.
Yeah? Oh, it's been scientifically proven that women are more attracted to married men.
The whole notion is ridiculous.
Look, I'll I'll prove it to you.
You see those two attractive young females over there? I'll go over and hit on them relentlessly, all the while displaying my wedding ring.
See how long it takes them to give me the cold shoulder.
You two ladies need some company? Oh, sure, I'm married, but, uh, you know, I'm not dead.
(laughing) I figure, well, uh Lilith is here, isn't she? (theme song begins) Making your way in the world today Takes everything you've got Taking a break from all your worries Sure would help a lot Wouldn't you like to get away? Sometimes you want to go Where everybody knows your name And they're always glad you came You wanna be where you can see Our troubles are all the same You wanna be where everybody knows your name You wanna go where people know People are all the same You wanna go where everybody knows your name.
Sam, uh, Malone.
Yeah, over here.
GNS Amusements.
Oh, great.
(laughing) Sign here, please.
Hey, fellas, listen up, you know how I've been trying to hustle up more business for the bar? Well, I think this baby's just the ticket.
Cheers is now the proud owner of a blood pressure tester.
(laughing) That's that's great, Sammy.
I think we ought to get some velvet ropes outside to handle the lines.
No, no, come on, will you? Lighten up here, this could be fun.
What the hell is this? They sent me a slot machine.
Well, I lived kind of a sheltered girlhood, but offhand, I'd say this looks like a Gametime model 36X with remodelled sprockets, triple-action tumblers.
"The Big Boy".
(Rebecca sighs) A slot machine.
(gasps) I've never played one of these, but I've always wanted to.
Hey, hey, come on, no, don't don't do that, please, it's illegal.
This is the last thing this bar needs.
I'm gonna call and tell them to take it back.
It's just as well, Rebecca.
These are the devil's own machines.
They systematically rob you of your cash and your dignity, one nickel at a time.
Allow me to demonstrate.
Oh, hey, come on, Frasier, don't do that.
No, relax, Sam.
This is merely for educational purposes.
Good-bye, nickel.
(coin clanging) (bell ringing, coins clanging) (chortling) Free money! The doctor is hot! (laughing) Excuse me, sir.
I represent a market research company.
We're doing a survey.
Oh, I'm really not interested.
How about you, sir? Okay.
We're looking for volunteers to taste several brands of beer.
Uh, excuse me, Paul, we were having a conversation here.
You were saying? Uh, uh, well, if you're available, just come to this address at 2:00 this afternoon.
Hey, listen, uh, uh, what exactly do I do? Well, you'll be in a room with several other volunteers, and you'll be tasting several varieties of beer.
We'll pay you for your time.
Excuse me, sir.
This is gonna sound like an odd question, but by any chance, were you born in a manger? You've been selected to take part in this study due to your ages and your drinking preferences.
Norm, there seems to be a typo here on your average beer intake.
Now, gentlemen, I'd like you to each take a sip from sample A and give me your impressions.
Ray, what do you think? Would you serve this beer in your home? Yeah, sure.
And Chuck? Very tasty, uh Good after-taste, too.
And Norm.
I don't know.
Didn't you just drink some? Yeah, but it wasn't in my mouth long enough to really taste it.
Hold it in your mouth a little longer.
Try savouring it for a second, and then swallow it.
This is great.
Wow, does anyone else know about this savouring thing? Now try to describe the taste.
Ah well, it's kind of, um, sweet, but, uh, kind of tangy, too.
You know what I mean? Yeah very observant.
What about sample B? It's kind of tart.
Actually, I thought it was kind of sweet.
NORM: No, no, fellas.
It's really it's it's more of a smoky thing.
Right again.
That's the new mash that they're using.
You're amazing, Norm.
What about, uh, sample C? Let's see.
Now, this one misses for me, okay? Mm-hmm.
It's like the carbonation is is fighting the flavour, and the flavour is losing.
This is really getting too easy for me.
You want to challenge me a bit here? Okay.
Let's try samples D through V.
Oh, D through V.
Now, hang on a second.
I may need to cleanse my palate.
Do you have any pizza? Oh, Carla, you're not supposed to be playing that- it's illegal.
So is watering drinks.
Good luck to you.
(bell ringing, coins clanging) (whooping) Come to mama.
(sighs): Come on, come on, come on.
Darn it, this machine hates me! Say, uh, Rebecca, uh, can I give it a try? Go ahead, Paul.
It's obviously empty.
(bell ringing, coins clanging) Hey, hey.
Nine nickels.
Hey, I wonder, if those chicks over there saw me win, huh? Yeah, Paul.
I'm sure the lack of that 45 cents is what kept you out of that ménage.
Come on come on.
Be there, be there.
Damn! What is wrong with this machine? Frasier won, Paul won, Carla won.
Maybe it just hates women.
Afternoon, everybody.
CROWD: Norm! What's the story, Norm? Boy meets beer.
Boy drinks beer.
Boy gets another beer.
In this performance, the role of the boy will be played by Norm Peterson.
Sammy, I want you to pour a round for the house and put it on my tab.
Oh! Oh, thank you.
What's the occasion there, big guy? Well, I think I got a job.
Hey, all right, Normie.
CLIFF: Stand back, I'll take care of this.
All right, mister, I don't know what pod you crawled out of but you're not welcome in our world.
Now, go in peace and give us our Normie back.
Seriously, remember that beer tasting survey group? Turns out they value my opinion so much, they want me to try out at the brewery.
CLIFF: All right.
Who'd have thought I have a knack for something? Okay, now, listen up, you.
This is my last nickel.
Now, I'm not asking for a lot.
I-I just want you to hit, just once.
Please for me.
(crying) Why do you hate me? Becs.
What? Come here.
What do you want? (whispering): You are acting crazy.
You're standing there talking to a machine, pretending like it cares who's feeding it nickels.
It doesn't have anything against you personally.
You're right.
Thank you.
And why are you whispering? I don't want it to hear me talking to you.
(machines humming) Pardon me, uh, are you Mike? Hey, you must be the new guy, Norm? Yeah, hi.
Yeah, I'll be your supervisor.
Oh, great.
I was, uh, looking over your sample comments, and, uh, well, must say they're very impressive.
Thank you.
Uh, now, remember, this is just a trial, but I think you're gonna do great.
Thanks, sir.
Uh, the job's very simple.
You'll drink random samples of beer off the line and give us your opinion.
That's it.
(both chuckling) Well, uh you ready to see the brewery, Norm? Oh, I've been ready for 43 years, sir.
(machines humming) You'll be sampling beer and submitting your comments to the master brewer who will evaluate them, and in turn, he'll Are you are you crying, Norm? Nah, just got something in my eye there.
I'll get you a Kleenex.
(door opening, closing) (smacking lips) Honey, I'm home.
(no dialogue) (cheering, clapping) (bottles clinking) (cheering, clapping) (dripping) NORM: Hey, Mike.
Look, if you don't mind, I'm gonna knock off for lunch, okay? Yeah, sure.
You had a great first week, Norm.
(laughs): You don't have to tell me, sir.
It was the happiest week of my life.
Here you go, Norm.
Huh? What's this? It's your pay-check.
Oh, no, sir, I couldn't.
No, no, absolutely not, not for this.
Go ahead, take it! Really? You've earned it.
You know, you were right about that timer being off on number three tank.
That's, uh that's something our computer should have picked up a long time ago.
Well, sir, a computer can't love.
As far as I'm concerned, the job is yours.
Oh, really? Yeah.
There's-There's just one more thing.
Yeah? It's, uh it's mostly a formality Yeah.
But, uh, well, you have to meet with Mr.
Hoffmeyer, the president of the brewery.
Now, if Hoffmeyer likes you, well, you're all set.
What kind of guy is he? Oh, he's a bit of a tough cookie, but, uh, if you take your work seriously, you'll do just fine.
Well, I'd be glad to meet the guy.
Listen, if you don't mind right now, I've been tasting beer all morning, okay? So, I'm just gonna take a break, change my clothes and go over to Cheers and hoist a few.
(laughs): You're, uh You're kidding, right? Yeah.
These clothes will be fine.
Come on.
Big money.
Come on.
Big money.
Oh, show me I'm not a loser.
Can't believe you're still playing this thing.
Sam, I have pulled that handle 578 times, and this machine has given me nothing.
Well, may maybe it's broken.
Let me try it here.
Give me that.
(coins clinking, bell dinging) No.
It's you, all right.
Come on.
Big money.
I hate to see her beating herself up like that.
Yeah, I agree.
If there was just some way that she could win, even once.
It might serve to break her fatalism and bolster her self-esteem.
Plus, maybe then I'd get a shot, 'cause I am hot, hot, hot! Well, there must be some way we can fix that machine so you can win just one time.
Now you're good at this stuff, Carla.
Can't you rig it? Why should I? Well, because she'd feel better about herself, you know, maybe even feel happy.
No, really.
Why should I? Because there's a $20 bill in it for you.
(chuckles) I'd have done it for ten.
No wonder you're going out of business.
Afternoon, everybody.
ALL: Norm! A little busman's holiday, Norm? No.
None of those fancy drinks for me, Sammy.
Just give me a beer.
See this, boys? Huh? An actual pay-check.
Tell you what, Sammy.
Earning a salary does something for a guy's self-esteem.
For the first time in years, I'm actually making an honest living.
Oh, look at that.
This says Norm Peterman.
That's 'cause Norm Peterson is still drawing unemployment, thank you.
Well, Norm, I must say I've never seen you look happier or-or more fulfilled.
NORM: Well, thanks, Fras.
I still don't have the job officially yet.
I got to meet the president of the brewery.
But I tell you what- I feel like I've found my calling.
Yeah, that's a wonderful feeling, isn't it? Yeah.
You know, I remember the first day I decided to go into the healing arts.
Yeah, just the thought of helping my fellow man it gave me a sense of purpose, a mission in life.
(rhythmic beeping) Oh.
Oh, surprise, surprise! Mrs.
"I had a bad childhood.
" Join the club, sister! I'm all out of nickels.
Does anybody have a nickel? Hey, hey, where's that, uh, tip jar of Carla's? No.
REBECCA: Well, I would pay her back.
Going a little bit overboard here, aren't you? After all, it's just a silly little machine.
It's not a silly machine, Norman.
It is It is a metaphor for life.
It is.
Everybody gets to pull the handle, and sometimes they win, and sometimes they lose.
But I always lose.
I pull the handle, and I get cherry, lemon, (voice breaking): Bell! Rebecca, has it ever occurred to you that maybe the reason you always lose is because you think you're going to lose? Oh, don't give me that crap! I tried that positive thinking stuff, and I knew it wouldn't work, and sure enough, it didn't! You are over-analysing things.
You got to live in the moment.
Take life as it comes, okay? You start thinking too much, everything falls apart.
Norm, how do you not think too much? You're-You're getting ready for the biggest interview of your life! Yeah.
If I were you, I would be a nervous wreck.
You know, I had a shot at my dream job.
Yeah? And I-I did really, really well.
And then it came time for me to meet the big boss, and I choked.
I went in, and-and I complimented him, and then I realized, "Oh, God, I'm kissing up.
" So I took back the compliment, and then it looked like I was insulting him.
So then I started telling jokes, and they were really bad.
And then And-And then, the next thing I knew, I was singing, "Knick knack paddy whack" song.
And I was just singing and singing at the top of my lungs.
And I just kept burying myself deeper and deeper.
And I lost my dream job.
And when I walked out of that House of Pancakes, I felt two inches tall.
Well, Rebecca, that's about the most depressing thing I've ever heard in my life.
Hey, don't Norm, don't listen to me.
It'll just bring you down.
And you know what? I've been a jinx my entire life, but that's me.
That isn't you.
You're gonna do great.
Good luck.
Well, thanks a lot, Rebecca.
And for what it's worth, I don't think you're a jinx, all right? (quietly): Thanks.
(laughs) Ah, Norm.
Hoffmeyer's on his way.
Uh, now remember, this is just a formality.
He's heard all kinds of good things about you, and, well, I'm sure that as soon as he meets you, uh, you'll be a permanent part of this brewery.
You seem a little nervous.
Are you, Norm? No.
MIKE: Oh, Mr.
Hoffmeyer, I'd like you to meet our star taster, Norm.
Norm, Mr.
Norm, I hear you're doing excellent work for us.
Thank you very much, sir.
(sighs) Nice pants.
(chuckles) I can't believe I just said that.
Look, I'm not trying to kiss up, sir.
I take back what I said about those pants, okay? Not that they're not nice pants.
I mean, of course they are.
They're-They're-They're great pants, you know.
I just don't want you to think that all I'm doing is looking at your pants.
I'm also looking at your face, sir, and-and your shirt, your tie, all of which are lovely.
Like a manly kind of lovely.
You know what I mean? Good Lord, I'm not making much sense, am I, sir? Let me just start all over again.
My name is Norm Pants.
Ooh! Yay.
That didn't come out right, either, did it? (laughs): I'm gonna laugh about that one tonight, sir.
And I'm sure you will, too, when you take those pants off tonight.
Not that I'm thinking about you taking your pants off, sir! Nothing could be further from the truth! I mean, well, now, don't get me wrong.
You know, it's not like I would be grossed out if you took your pants off.
Go ahead, run around naked for all I care! After all, you'll do whatever you want to do.
You're Mr.
Hoffmeyer, for crying out loud! Oh, come on, lighten up, will you?! Why are you such a sourpuss? Come on.
What's it going to take to put a smile on that face, huh? With a knick knack paddy whack, give a dog a bone This old man came rolling home! Sorry about the job there, Norm.
Oh, don't worry about it, Cliff.
What are you going to do? I had my dream job for a week, and I lost it.
But you've got to look on the on the bright side, you know.
I mean, somebody could walk up to me tomorrow, tap me on the shoulder, say, "Hey, we want you to sample various types of pretzels.
" You know? Or-Or-Or pizza.
Could happen.
Maybe, big guy.
Well, I did it.
I rigged the machine.
The next person who pulls that handle is going to be up to their knees in nickels.
All right, now, don't you feel good? I mean, doesn't it make you feel happy to know you did something for a fellow human being? Isn't that what life's really all about? You don't have my 20 bucks, do you, Sam? It's been kind of a slow week, honey.
I Now, wai-wai-wait.
I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am about this afternoon.
Rebecca, for the hundredth time, please relax.
It wasn't your fault.
I did it myself.
I choked under pressure.
Well, I felt so guilty that I went out and got us this quart of ice cream.
(laughs) This is what we losers do, Norm.
We just drown our sorrows in ice cream.
But you know what? Huh? At least we're not alone.
We have each other.
You're not going to kiss me again, are you? 'Cause I still have to drive home.
Oh! Hey, look at that.
These are nickels, I guess, huh? Say, why don't you, uh, play the slot machine one more time? Because I will lose.
Where have you been all week? No.
You know, I feel good about this.
Why-Why-Why don't you give it one more shot? No.
Oh, come on! What's it gonna take for you to understand that I will never win? All right, fine, fine.
Come on.
Everybody step up while Lady Luck thumbs her nose at Rebecca Howe.
(bell rings) I got my nickel back.
I thought that thing was supposed to pay off.
It's been paying off all week.
I guess it's empty.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Sorry? This has never happened to me before.
I broke even.
I've never broken even before.
I'm not a loser.
I'm a break-evener.
Norm is a loser.
See him eating his ice cream? You know what this means? It means that my life isn't so terrible.
It's It's so-so! (Rebecca laughs) Isn't this great?! Hey, guys, did Rebecca call me a loser? I'm afraid so, Norm.
I thought she said, "Leave me some.