Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - Do Not Forsake Me O' My Postman

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
What do you want to do tonight, Cliff? Eh, I don't know.
What do you want to do? I don't know.
You guys! You do this all day long for hours.
Face it, Rebecca, we're bored.
Nothing ever happens around here.
(steady beeping, Rebecca gasps) Oh, my God! Hey, it's Andy Andy.
What, you know this person? Yeah.
Former major felon.
Once killed a waitress.
(beeping continues) Where's Diane? I demand to see Diane! Well, Miss Chambers hasn't worked here in five or six years.
Oh, really? Well okay.
So, what do you want to do? (theme song begins) Making your way in the world today Takes everything you've got Taking a break from all your worries Sure would help a lot Wouldn't you like to get away? Sometimes you want to go Where everybody knows your name And they're always glad you came You wanna be where you can see Our troubles are all the same You wanna be where everybody knows your name You wanna go where people know People are all the same You wanna go where everybody knows your name.
Well, well, well, so Maggie O'Keefe is back in town, huh? Couldn't get enough of the Old Clavin monster, I guess.
Who's-who's Maggie O'Keefe? That's Cliff's old girlfriend.
I'm sorry, Cliff's what? Oh, no, no, no, I've been thinking about you, too.
What? Aw, come on, I can't say that in front of the guys.
All right.
I love you, too.
That was Ma! Maggie's back in town! So, how long has it been since you've seen Maggie? Oh, about six months.
She, uh, skipped off to Canada for a while, you know, and according to Ma, she's back in town, wants to see me.
I guess she's just looking for a booster shot of "vitamin CC.
" Yeah, maybe things just didn't work out in Canada.
Yeah, I'll never forget when my Uncle Orlo left Hanover to seek his fortune in the big city.
You know what happened? Terre Haute just chewed him up and spit him out.
Yep, he came back with his head between his legs.
Actually, I think the expression is "tail between his legs.
" Oh, no, there was a train accident on the way back.
It's a real tragedy.
Yeah, a year later, he drowned in a sitz bath.
Guess what I kept seeing as I was driving into work just now.
The middle finger of every driver in Boston? No.
The new ad campaign for Gary's Old Towne Tavern.
He's got billboards, buses, tops of taxis, he's got everything.
I'm telling you that guy's business is gonna double.
Yeah? Well, what am I supposed to do? Well, I think that we should do some advertising.
Maybe we should do a commercial on the radio, you know, a jingle, something real catchy.
No, I don't want to do a jingle- that's stupid.
You know, Sammy's right there, Becs.
What you want is a word-of-mouth campaign.
I'd be happy to help, you know.
I'll talk it up down at the old post office.
Before you know it, this place will be wall-to-wall with letter carriers.
Now, you think I'm entertaining? Multiply me by a hundred.
Jingle! Jingle! Jingle! Well, Miss Howe, you have certainly come to the right place- I'm gonna hook you up with our very best composer.
Send in Jason.
We should probably talk about budget now.
I am prepared to spend as much as $200.
Keep Jason.
Somebody wake up Sy Flembeck.
Oh, advertising.
You know, I almost went into advertising.
I bet that I would've been real good at it, because I am really good with, um Oh, God, what is that when you call and people are you get two people and they're talking to each other? You mean communication? Yes! I have a real knack for that.
So, it's curtains for me, huh? The old "Adios, Flembeck.
" I knew this day'd come.
I gave this firm the best years of my life.
It turns around and kicks me right in the old haemorrhoid hotel.
Pardon my French, babe.
Well, before I go, let me tell you something, Mr.
Pimply-Faced Teenager Who's Running the Shop This Week.
I wrote "Chocolate, chocolate, who ate my bar?" when you were still dangling from your mother's breast, you cheap S.
! Sy, we've got a job for you.
You didn't let me finish! You have to be that way, 'cause you're a leader! Leadership has its price, and I respect that, and I respect you! Does it show? The love, I mean? Well, here you go, Miss Howe.
$200 worth of perfection.
Yeah, well, let's go to my cubicle, babe.
We'll throw some ideas at the wall and see if they stick.
(whispers): This is so exciting! This is Cheers.
Where's the old 88's? Oh, right over here.
Listen, do you think you can write something for this place that's really gonna capture the spirit of Cheers? But you have to do it right away, because, you know, there's a lot of competition out there.
Hey, let me ask you something.
Why don't you put a little more pressure on me, 'cause I haven't had a stroke in about two months.
Thank you.
I'm sure you'll do a great job.
Of course I will.
Perhaps you heard my humble efforts for Fred's Tune-ups.
(plays arpeggio flourish) (to "Old MacDonald Had a Farm"): Tune-ups, tune-ups, that's our game F-R-E-D-S If you don't come here, that's a shame F-R-E-D-S With an F-F here Everybody! F-F there FRASIER: Excuse me! Isn't that just "Old MacDonald's Farm"? When Old MacDonald pays me 200 bucks, it'll be "Old MacDonald's Farm.
" Look, Cliffie, when is, uh, when is Maggie actually gonna show up here? Yeah, where is this alleged girlfriend of yours? Well, uh, Paul, I'm sure there's a very good reason why she isn't here.
Well, thank you, Carla.
Namely that Clavin dismembered her and stacked her in his freezer.
Yeah, you know, the police took that call of yours very seriously.
(laughing) Missed a half a day's work, thank you very much.
Poor Ma didn't know what to think.
She tossed out a whole year's worth of Omaha steaks trying to protect me.
You must be pretty excited to see Maggie, huh? Oh, yeah.
Darned excited, Sammy.
Yeah, boy, when we're together, we're the hottest couple imaginable.
Yeah, I got the hormones, the drive, the needs.
Yes siree, yeah, my body's like one big erogenous zone.
Five, four, three What are you doing, Carla? Counting down.
I'm about to launch my lunch.
Oh! Oh, look at that! Here comes Maggie now.
Yeah, well, I'd just better stand firm.
I mean, nobody ties Cliff Clavin down, that's for sure.
She can have me back, but, uh, no commitments.
Mark my words.
Hey there, baby.
Remember me? I sure do, Cliff.
Or should I say "Daddy"? How is he? Oh, I'm sure he's fine.
Hey, how's he doing there, Fras? Oh, better, I think.
Carla volunteered to bathe his face with cold water and was doing fine until the seat came down on his head.
I should go to him.
Trust me, I'm a doctor.
I've seen many cases of shock.
What I suggest that you do is go out for a while, give Cliff time to regain his composure, and then you can come on back, sit down and have a nice little chat with him about, uh Well, whatever it is you wish to discuss with him.
Thank you, Doctor.
Perhaps it was a bit much to spring on him.
Tell him I'll be back in a little while.
All right.
Well, from our "things you never thought you'd hear" category, that woman is carrying Cliff's child.
Come on, buddy.
Where is she? She had to step out for a little while.
Hey! Ha! I'll be damned! Let me be the first to congratulate you, Cliffie! Uh, thanks, Sam.
You dog, Cliffie! Yeah.
I got to say, man, I'm shocked.
How come? Well, you know, I mean, you always claimed that you and Margaret were, you know, doing it, but, you know, I never really, you know I'm just surprised, is all, Cliff.
So, she's pregnant with your child.
You gonna go through Lamaze, or, uh, do you figure it'll just burst out through her chest? Why'd you do it, Cliff? I begged you to get yourself fixed.
I even offered to pay for it.
Hell, I offered to do it for you! SAM: Come on, come on, you guys.
It's celebration time here! Hey, drinks on the house- my friend's gonna be a daddy! OTHERS: Yeah! Yeah! You are gonna marry her, aren't you, Mr.
Clavin? It'd be a shame to have to stone her.
Well, uh I-I guess you do, uh, things differently back there in Hanover, don't you, Wood? America's Heartland.
Well, I don't know, I should have expected it.
I mean, the, uh, Clavins never fire blanks.
We're breeders, spawners.
My loins are brimming with vitality.
Well, I'll never eat again.
Anybody else? Let's get your mother on the phone and tell her about it, huh? Get her down here, we'll have a little celebration.
There you go.
Good idea, Sammy.
But, uh What? Could I, could I see you? Well, uh, what do you think Cliffie will have- a boy, a girl? Is there a third choice? Sammy, you know, I-I-I don't, uh, I don't think that's my baby.
Why not? Oh, well, let's just say that, uh, you know, sometimes studs know.
Remind me again how studs know.
Well, you know, sometimes studs just choose to well, you know, wait it out.
Cliff, you-you never actually had sex with Maggie, did you? W-Well, that depends there, Sam.
Define sex.
Oh Now, you know, we, uh, we meant to, but we just never really got around to it, there, Sam.
You, uh, still think I'm a stud though, don't you? Oh, yes, of course I do.
More than ever, man, more than ever.
You know, sometimes it takes, uh, it takes a bigger stud, not to have sex.
What the hell does that mean? I don't know, man.
I'm just trying to help you.
Work with me here, will you? Aw, Sammy, I'm such a failure.
I feel so ashamed of myself.
No, no, don't do that, Cliff.
You know, uh, lots of people don't have sex on dates.
Hell, I've dated lots of women, never had sex with them.
That's kind of hard to believe there, Sammy.
You're not working with me here, Cliff.
Let's, uh Wait a second.
I don't get something here.
Now, if it's not your kid, how come Maggie's coming in here and calling you "Daddy"? Uh, that's easy.
She's setting up a trap for me.
All right, put yourself in the frame of mind of the female psyche.
Now, she goes off, gets herself pregnant, looking for a husband, provider, best friend, lover.
Okay? First name on top of her wish list.
Cliff Clavin? Bingo.
So, what do you think, Sam? I mean, I-I don't know if I'm ready to get married or not.
Well, you don't have to.
It's not your kid.
It's not your responsibility.
Yeah, but, you know, I was out there in front of the guys braggin' about my sexual prowess.
Well, hell, they don't have to find out about this.
You know it's none of their business.
Well, yeah, but what do I tell them? Tell them, uh, that you weighed the pros and cons, and at this point in your life, you don't feel like marriage is the right thing for you.
Hey, that's great, Sammy, great.
Thank you.
Hey, stud handshake.
Uh, oh, well.
Oh! All right.
There you go.
Hey, uh, listen, Sam, just to, uh, you know, set the record straight, just 'cause I didn't have sex with Margaret, uh, doesn't mean I haven't bagged my share of chicks.
No, I know that.
I know you do.
I'm a pretty sexy guy.
You know, women sort of pick up on that.
Want to know my secret? Don't wear any underwear.
It's too restraining.
That's, that's super, man.
Thank you.
Thank you for sharing that.
I've got a little announcement to make.
Margaret and I will not be getting married.
See, I've weighed the pros and the cons That's not your kid, is it? Uh, no.
See I've weighed You and Maggie didn't do it, did you? Well, no.
(laughs) Look, I didn't tell you guys 'cause I didn't want you to, you know, think any less of me.
Oh, I don't think that's actually possible, Cliff.
Thank you, big guy.
Hey, babe! Your ship just came in! The muse has visited Sy Flembeck.
Want to hear what she had to say? Oh, boy, do I.
You know, I just love the whole creative process.
And I can be pretty creative myself.
Oh, yeah? Well, then why don't you be Sy Flembeck and I'll be the annoying broad? How's that? Go ahead.
All right.
"The Cheers Theme" by Sy Flembeck.
(plays flourish) (to the tune of "Old MacDonald Had a Farm") Beer and pretzels, that's our game C-H-E-R-S If you don't come here, that's a shame C-H-E-R-S With a C-C here, C-C there No, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! What are you doing? That's all wrong! First of all, "Cheers" is spelled with two E's.
Second, I paid you a lot of money to come up with an original tune.
You don't need an original tune! You want something that'll bore a hole through the public's little pea brains.
But you are all hype and no substance! I was mesmerized by your show business savvy.
You couldn't write a jingle to save your life.
Uh, hey, babe! Come on! Wait a minute! Wait a minute! What is it, huh?! What? What? The "Old MacDonald" melody? Hey, I could change that.
Yeah, Sy Flembeck is nothing if he's not versatile.
All right, just a minute.
Okay, okay, okay, I got it.
(to the tune of "Mary Had a Little Lamb") Beer and pretzels, that's our game, that's our game That's our game Beer and pretzels, That's our game C-H-E-R-S.
E! E! E-E! Out.
What's the matter, babe? You can't work with a man you're attracted to? Oh, God! Out! I'll be home all night.
The pay phone's just down the hall from my room.
Oh, what a hack.
You know, I, I should have known it the first time I heard that stupid Fred's Tune up song.
Thanks a lot, lady, now I'm gonna have that stupid jingle in my head all night.
What stupid jingle? You know the one.
Tune-ups, tune-ups, that's our game F-R-E-D-S.
You know, I could use a tune-up.
Are they any good? You heard the song.
Tune-ups are their game.
Well, where are they located? 1413 Burlingame F-R-E-D-S Sy! Sy, wait a minute!! Oh, Cliff, are you okay? Yeah, yeah, I'm fine, Maggie.
I'm sorry I was gone for so long.
I went out and had some pizza and ribs and ice cream and pickles and chocolate.
Maybe it's Norm's kid.
Maggie, uh, I'd like to talk to you in private for a few minutes.
Do you mind, uh, stepping, uh, this way, here? Uh, Sammy, okay if we, uh, use your office there, buddy? Promise me you won't go through my drawers? Yeah, okay, I won't.
That's what you said last time.
How many times can I say "I'm sorry"? Here, have a seat there, Maggie.
Maggie, Maggie, Maggie, Maggie Maggie there's, uh, so much I want to say to you and so much you want to say to me, and so Holy cow! For a guy who's always crying poverty, Sam Malone's doing pretty well for himself.
Cliff? Oh, yeah.
You know, Maggie, I've been thinking.
And you and I both know that that baby couldn't possibly be mine.
(sobbing) Aw, Maggie.
Cliff, I am so ashamed.
You're right.
The baby isn't yours.
I just didn't know where else to turn.
Well, what happened, Maggie? Well, um, up in Canada, I met a man and fell in love.
And everything was perfect, and we were gonna get married.
And then he got scared and called everything off.
And I didn't have anyone to turn to, so of course, I thought of the most decent, honourable man I know.
I'm sorry, Cliff.
You know, you you just run out on me, and you meet this guy, get pregnant, and he dumps you, and you come back so old Cliff Clavin can take care of you, huh? That's right, Cliff.
Can do.
What?! I will marry you, Margaret! Oh, thank you, Cliff! (both chuckle) Hey, here's a little-known fact: I'm gonna be your daddy! You know, this isn't exactly the way I, you know, dreamed about starting a family there, Maggie, but, uh you know, I've always thought the world of you.
And I know that you'd do the same for me if the situations were reversed.
But, Cliff, how could the Never mind.
All right.
So, hey, look, here's what we do.
We, uh, skedaddle down to the City Hall, make this thing legal, and we go over to my place, sedate Ma and give her the good news.
Huh? Huh?! Okay! Oh, let me just call Jerry and tell him he's off the hook so he won't worry about me anymore.
Uh, is it okay to use this phone to call long distance? Oh, yeah, sure.
I do it all the time.
Well, Sammy, champagne all around.
ALL: Hey! Yeah, I decided to marry Margaret, you know, make an honest woman of her and, uh, raise her child as my own.
SAM: Oh, that's great.
Congratulations, Cliff.
I know you'll enjoy reaping the rewards of fatherhood.
Yeah, it's not like I'm not prepared.
I mean, I do own a copy of The Little Mermaid.
Well, let me be the first to propose a toast.
CLIFF: All right.
To the new father, Cliff Clavin.
ALL: To the new father! Thank you, gentlemen.
Ha! Excuse me.
(quietly): The old ball and chain.
Cliff, I just talked to Jerry.
I hope you told him that a real man is going to, uh, take care of you and the baby? He wants me back.
Beg your pardon? He said he loves me.
He can't stand the thought of another man raising his child.
So, you're off the hook.
Aren't you happy? Well, if you're happy.
I'm happy.
Well, then I'm happy.
Yeah Uh, ladies and gentlemen.
Please, don't just sit there.
Raise your glasses in a toast to, uh, Mother Margaret here and, uh, the new father, Jerry.
Jerry? ALL (lacklustre): To Jerry.
Thanks, everyone.
Oh, uh-uh, Cliff, would you mind giving me a ride to the bus station? If I leave now, I can be there in 72 hours.
Yeah, sure.
I'm a little confused, Sam.
Well, Maggie's going back to Canada to marry the, the father of her baby.
And Cliff was going to marry her, but now he doesn't have to.
No, I mean about it taking I thought it was much further than that.
You know, Cliff, in a way, I'm a little disappointed that we're not getting married.
We'll never make love again.
Again? Maggie, I think your memory is as, uh, faulty as your birth control, uh We, we never actually did make love.
Sure we did.
The night before I left.
Remember? You had those two wine coolers? No kiddin'? I-I thought I fell asleep.
You, you mean, you and I actually, uh? I don't remember.
Boy, that's something.
So, uh, how was I? The truth, Cliff? Naw.
You were great.
Yeah! (laughing) Both times.
Both times! Wow! Wow! Whoo-hoo!