Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - Teaching with the Enemy (1)

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
This is the third time we've been here in two weeks, Sam.
Any idea why you're having so many fights? Yeah, yeah, ever since that biker bar closed down, we're getting these big apes coming in here.
I mean, what are we supposed to do? Be grateful.
You know something, if you'd get over here when I called you, none of this would've happened.
Oh, oh, look at this.
Woody.
Oh, man, are you all right? Yeah, I'm okay.
See, this is exactly what I'm talking about.
We're gonna have to file an injury report.
You bet you are.
Tell him, tell him what happened.
Well, I was downstairs getting a case of scotch, and there's that one low beam What happened here? (theme song begins) Sometimes you want to go Where everybody knows your name And they're always glad you came You wanna be where you can see Our troubles are all the same You wanna go where everybody knows your name.
Can you believe this guy winning I I mean, talk about beating the odds.
Oh, yeah, you want to talk about beating the odds, my Uncle Spence fell 20,000 feet from an airplane and hit the only pile of hay for two miles.
Jeez.
He must be the luckiest man on earth.
Well, not really.
He went through the propeller first.
There's the scariest human being I've ever seen in my life.
Hmph.
Boy.
Yeah.
Remind me to congratulate the doctor who created him.
You Sam? Yeah, that's me.
Are you Tiny? I'll be right with you.
Uh, Sam, you ought to think about wearing those reading glasses all the time.
That guy's huge.
(chains jingling) No, no, no, no.
That's his name.
Tiny's his name.
He was the bouncer at that biker bar.
I figure if we're gonna have that crowd in here, I might as well have him around.
What do you think? Oh, please, Sam.
If I promise to feed him, can I keep him? Yeah, I'll ask him.
Hey, Tiny, why don't you fill out this application so I can start checking your references.
That's nuts.
Sam's wasting his money.
I could have done that job.
Sure, I'm taking karate down at the YW The "Y.
" (chains jingling) So, Tiny, huh? (chuckles) That's a pretty funny nickname given, you know, how big you are.
Why? You making fun of my name? You think I got a joke name? Do you think I'm some kind of joke? Tell Vera I loved her.
Hey, wait, ho! Excuse me here.
Tiny there, my main man.
Hey, uh, step into my office.
I'll take care of this, Normie.
You see, Tiny, uh, you know, calling you "tiny," a guy of your, you know, girth, uh, is what we in the comedy profession call a juxtaposition.
Right? Yeah.
Juxtaposition.
See, it's, uh, calling a calling a a bald guy "Curly.
" Fat guy "Slim.
" Tall guy "Shorty.
" I like that.
You're smart.
Why, thank you.
No, that's your new nickname.
Get it? I made a joke.
And a fine joke it is, too, sir.
Hey, guys.
Now I know you sent me out for snack food, but I found this place called The Healthy Alternative.
Now they have all your favourite munchies, only organic, with tofu and soy and that sort of thing.
So I drove right past it, went to the grocery store, and got you a big box of Fiddle Faddle.
Hey.
Lilith, I'm so jealous of you.
Excuse me? Yeah, I-I saw you outside.
After seven years of marriage, how do you guys keep your relationship so hot? I don't know what you mean.
Outside, I saw you in the car.
You were all over him.
Come on, it was great.
You were steaming up the windows like a couple of teenagers.
Well, I've just won five games in a row.
When you're hot, you're hot.
Oh, hi, Buttercup.
Now that's odd.
He's here and I just saw the two of you out in the Oh, my God.
What's the matter? Uh, nothing.
Rebecca and I just have to have a little talk in the office.
It's private.
Oh, my God! Anything I can help you with? No, I can handle it ably on my own.
Well, I'm here if you need me.
Lilith, I don't want to hear this.
Calm down, Rebecca.
I've got enough to deal with without you going berserk on me.
Yes, that was me you saw in the car, and, obviously, the man with me was not Frasier.
Lilith, you are having an affair! It isn't an affair.
It was a one-time fling.
I've been working side by side with this man for months, and I'm afraid our latent desires just got the better of us.
It's the old story.
One moment we were feeding the lab rats and the next thing we knew, we were in a hotel room.
What you saw was me saying good-bye to him.
Well, then he must be hard of hearing.
You had his ear in your mouth.
We both know it was a mistake.
It will never happen again.
What are you gonna do now? Well, there's only one thing I can do.
I have to tell Frasier.
Now, until I find the time to tell him in my own way, you must promise me you're not going to say anything to him about this.
Well, how the hell am I gonna do that? What? Because this is juicy stuff.
The more I'm sitting here thinking that I should keep my mouth shut, the more I want to just go out there and blab it all over.
I know that's wrong, but it's just me.
Please, Rebecca, you'll only have to control yourself for a little while.
Frasier and I are going to have dinner with another couple up at Melville's, and as soon as it's over, I'll break it to him.
Lilith, you have a big problem.
Yes, I know.
My entire marriage is on extremely shaky ground.
No, I mean you only have about an hour until I blow.
Hi.
Welcome to Cheers.
You want to feel the plate in my head? I can make it move.
No, uh, we're just looking for friends, and, uh, they're not here.
So, bye.
Sammy, that's guy's making me a little nervous, okay? What're you talking about? The guy's great.
He's already stopped two fights, keeping everybody in line.
Best of all, he thinks minimum wage is two dollars an hour.
Wow, you're cheating him out of 50 cents an hour? Boy, I'll tell you, having Tiny in this bar is about the most exciting thing that's happened around here in a long time.
Maybe it is, and maybe it isn't.
No, I-I think the most exciting thing, uh, contrary to your belief, Carla, was when, uh, Sammy fiddled around with the cable box and we were able to get The Playboy Channel all day long, huh? Well, you know, some people who didn't know any better might think that that was interesting.
Well, how about, uh, last week when Phil told us that he did time? Now that was juicy.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah, real juicy.
(scoffs) I don't think so.
What are you trying to say, Rebecca? I'm trying to say that I have got major dish bottled up inside me.
And it's just dying to get out.
Oh, God, here it comes.
I can feel it.
It's coming up through my chest.
I can feel it in my throat.
It's (mumbling) So, Phil, what did you do time for? I held up a Piggly Wiggly.
Can I now get on with my life, please? Is the, uh, TV too loud for you folks? SAM: Tiny? The TV's not actually on.
Then why do I keep hearing the Kill 'Em, Tiny show? Sammy, you heard that.
The guy is nuts.
Oh, yeah, maybe you're right.
Maybe I should just, you know, talk to him.
Tiny, could I talk to you for a second? Yo! How you doing? Oh, great, Sam.
Listen, and don't you worry.
There won't be any trouble in here while I'm around.
I just hope somebody tries.
Do you want me to tell you what I'm gonna do if somebody starts some trouble? Uh, no, actually, I don't think I want to hear that, man.
Okay, but I did draw you a picture.
Well, how can I Oh, my God.
Uh So, uh, did you want to tell me something? No, well, no, no, uh, just, uh, carry on.
Carry on.
Okay.
Carla look what this guy drew.
That's nothing.
I got worse than that on my refrigerator.
Here is my question.
Now I had the seafood salad.
You had the poached salmon.
Neither of us had any appetizers.
They had appetizers and soup and the lobster special, and yet we split the meal fifty-fifty.
Now, am I wrong, or did we just get royally ripped? Frasier, we need to talk.
You're darned right we do.
I don't know if I want them as friends anymore.
No, I mean I have to tell you something that's rather serious.
What is it, Lilith? In fact, I dare say you're gonna find it extremely upsetting.
All right.
Well, I think we should discuss it at home.
No, no, no, Lilith, you just don't tell someone that you're going to upset them and then just let them dangle.
Whatever it is, just tell me right now.
I'll be upset, then I'll get over it.
We can go on with our lives.
Please, let's just go home.
No, Lilith, I want to know right now.
All right, if you must know immediately, I'll tell you.
Have a seat.
Oh, great.
It's It's "have a seat" bad.
Just-Just give me a minute to, uh, to brace myself.
Uh, I know, I'll simply imagine the worst thing you could possibly tell me, and whatever your news is, it will pale by comparison.
In fact, whatever it is, it it'll be a relief.
Okay, okay, uh what is the worst thing I can imagine? All right, I've got it.
Lilith, your news, please.
This afternoon, in a moment of extreme weakness I cheated on you.
That was it! That was the worst thing! Try to remain calm.
How can I remain calm when you tell me you slept with another man?! You slut! I-I I can't believe that.
I knew the whole time.
I have known it for over an hour.
And I didn't say a word to anybody.
(singsongy): I kept a secret.
I kept Tragic, isn't it? You're still angry, aren't you? How can you tell? The fact that this park bench used to be chained to that cement block next to the statue of George Washington.
I wanted to be alone.
This is a very serious matter, Frasier.
Yes, it is serious, Lilith.
However, I will refrain from indulging in clichéd reactions rage, the crying, the screaming, the hurling of epithets: Tramp, whore, slut, floozy, bitch, ad infinitum.
You did call me slut.
Yes, but I didn't call you a tramp, whore, floozy or bitch.
I have too much respect for you even though you have been a slut.
Of course you deserve to know everything that happened and why.
Look, all I want to know is who.
Who it is doesn't matter.
This is about us.
The identity of the other person is irrelevant.
Fine, Lilith, I respect that.
It'll be just one more secret between us.
One more brick in the wall.
All right.
It was my colleague, the distinguished research scientist, Dr.
Louis Pascal.
The bald guy?! Frasier I never meant to hurt you.
But for so long now I have felt so alone.
It seems we can't talk without getting into a fight.
Even the smallest conversation erupts into bickering.
It just goes on every Oh, I can see what's going on here.
I can't believe I didn't think of this sooner.
I'm such a dope.
What are you talking about? You're in your mid-30s, right? Yes.
It's perfectly natural for you to be examining your life right now.
You are comparing the expectations you had of yourself in the past with what you've actually achieved up to now.
Frasier, that No, no, wait.
Wait, let me finish.
And how many years have we been married? Seven.
The perfect time for you to be re-examining our relationship.
You're practically a cliché.
Frasier, I am not a cliché.
I'm talking about something Oh, please, you got hit with the old double whammy.
Of course you had a fling.
And why wouldn't you? Thank God.
For a while I thought we had a problem.
Frasier, you're not listening to me.
"You're not listening to me.
" Right out of the textbook.
I can't tell you how annoying this is.
Of course you can.
Volumes have been written on how annoying analysis can get.
Frasier, I'm gonna ask you one more time.
This is our marriage we're talking about.
Our lives.
Stop being a psychiatrist and start being my husband.
All right, Lilith.
I'll be your husband.
(distant bell tolling) But for seven years now we've tried to build something together, and I think we've done a pretty good job.
It's not worth throwing it all away on something so empty, meaningless and unfulfilling.
Actually I don't want to hear it! Frasier, don't you see that this incident is symptomatic of much larger problems? We can work on that.
We owe it to our marriage.
But you must march over to Pascal and tell him, in no uncertain terms, that you will never see him again.
Very well.
I'll go now.
Certainly you're being very rational about this.
Very civilized.
Well, I'm I'm nothing if not civilized.
By the way, this Pascal, is he married? No.
Why? I thought I could bag his wife, even the score.
I'm sorry.
I'm venting.
Go.
Oh, people.
Sheesh.
Think they'd never seen a blowtorch scar before.
Wow.
Who took a blowtorch to you? I did.
I let myself down.
Nobody lets Tiny down.
Sammy, you've gotta get rid of that guy.
All right, all right, all right, all right.
You're right, you're right.
Let him come.
I'll fire him.
Say, um Tiny? Could you step over here for a second? Oh.
Um Listen, I want to talk to you about the job for a minute.
I want you to know it's not that we don't like having you here.
It-It's just that, uh, well Knock, knock.
I'm sorry.
What? Knock, knock.
Who's there? The dead guy.
Oh, boy.
The, uh, dead guy who? The dead guy that I killed.
Get it? I thought I heard 'em all, man.
Oh So, uh, what were you saying about the job? Uh, well, it was just that, uh, we-we were all talking and, uh we have decided, uh, to make you the Employee of the Month.
Thank you.
Yeah, all right.
All right, thanks.
Sam, what gives? I've been working my butt off for you for seven years, and you're making Tiny the Employee of the Month? Not, not now, man.
I-I'm trying to think of a way to get rid of him.
Boy, you are one fickle guy.
All right, all right, please, please, help me, help me out here.
Excuse me, excuse me.
Wait.
Can I just be the voice of reason here and suggest that we keep Tiny.
Personally, I think he's a welcome addition to the Cheers family.
Please, we gotta do this, Carla.
I get it.
This is an ego thing, huh? Right? A handsome man comes into this bar, and you just can't stand it, can you? Wait, hold it.
I've got an idea.
I got an idea.
Wait, whoa, whoa.
Listen, come here.
What we do is we tell him that Cheers was built on an ancient burial ground and we scare him out of here.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
CLIFF: Wait, wait, no, I got one, I got one.
No, no, listen, this is very popular nowadays.
Tell him we have radon gas, very deadly, seeping up through the floorboards, and we're all goners anyway.
Yeah, okay, what about a bomb threat? What about treating him like a human being with feelings? No, that-that would nev Oh, man, I'm sorry.
We never, we Uh, I'm big, not deaf.
I'll go now.
Nice working with you folks.
(laughing) Hey! Whoo! Yeah! Greetings, all.
Hey, Frasier.
What can we get you? Oh, uh, just a scotch, please, Sam.
Boy, what a day I've had.
I'd like to unwind.
I think I've earned it.
Well, coming right up, Dr.
Crane.
No, I've really earned it, Woody.
I mean, this was a real bad day.
I'll tell you when to stop, Woody.
(glass pounding) (slurring): One more, Woody.
One more for the the big stooge.
One more for the big loser.
One more for the big boob.
Hey, hear that? Frasier wants to buy you guys a drink.
Woody, Woody, come to me for a moment here.
Listen, when you go home tonight to your wife Kelly, (voice breaking): You treat her right.
You promise me.
Treat her right.
Hell of a woman.
If I wasn't married, I'd be all over her like white on rice.
That perky little caboose of hers.
There you go.
What's this? That's, uh, black coffee on the house.
Very generous.
You guys are true friends to stand by me in my hour of need.
Fras, come on, we all know what you're going through.
Oh, oh, do you, Norm? What if you found out Vera was sleeping with another man? Yeah, right.
And what if it rained beer? I want you all to know I'm not blaming her.
It's because of me that my life is in the arms of another man.
Uh, well, you mean "wife," don't you, Dr.
Crane? What? You said "life.
" "It's because of me my life is in the arms of another man.
" Oh, that's a-that's a Freudian slip there, Woody.
What's a Freudian slip? Oh, that's when you say one thing when you're actually thinking about a mother.
Frasier? I need to speak with you in private.
Oh, no, you don't.
I want everyone here to hear what I've got to say to you.
Lilith, I realize that it is I and not you who are to blame.
Whatever you've done, I'm sure I gave you ample reason for it.
I've been arrogant, overbearing, selfish, self-absorbed.
I've spent way too much time in this place.
I really think we should go somewhere else to discuss this.
No, Lilith, so you had a fling? So what? I've put all that behind me.
I forgive you.
And I-I take you back with open arms.
I'm sorry, Frasier.
I wanted to break it off with Dr.
Pascal, but I'm afraid it's more serious than I thought.
I think I'm in love with him.
And I'm leaving you.
Oh, this is twice today that I publicly made a fool of myself.
Oh, you get used to it, Doc.