Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - Ill-Gotten Gaines

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Hey, Cliffy.
Oh, hey, Sam.
What are you doing standing out in the rain? Uh, it's good for the skin.
You know, negative ions.
Keeps it soft.
What'd you say to Carla, Cliffy.
Called her a dwarf.
Could you, uh, untie me, Sam? Yeah, sure.
Oh, whoa, whoa, wait a second, wait a second.
How much more time you got out here? Uh, five minutes.
I'm sorry, buddy, I can't do it.
She'd have me standing right out here next to you.
I understand, Sam, I understand.
No hard feelings.
(theme song begins) Making your way in the world today Takes everything you've got Taking a break from all your worries Sure would help a lot Wouldn't you like to get away? Sometimes you want to go Where everybody knows your name And they're always glad you came You wanna be where you can see Our troubles are all the same You wanna be where everybody knows your name You wanna go where people know People are all the same You wanna go where everybody knows your name.
Attention, everybody, I have an announcement to make.
Thanksgiving is in a few days, and I know that some of you will not be able to spend it with your families.
So, anybody who doesn't have any place to go on Thanksgiving is welcome to come to my apartment.
I thought that would be a nice gesture.
How'd you like to see another nice gesture? Carla Tortelli graciously accepts.
How about you, Sam? Yeah.
I think it'd be fun to go to Thanksgiving dinner at your place.
Oh, great.
You know, I really think I can put together a great Thanksgiving dinner.
This'll be the second one that I've cooked.
And believe me, the first one was not the disaster that my family said it was.
Those kids had a pretty good time in that ambulance.
It was kind of exciting for them.
I mean, at least it wasn't the same old same old.
Oh, wait a second.
Did you say Thanksgiving? Aw, shoot.
See, I usually spend Thanksgiving with my old Army buddies.
Sam, you weren't in the Army.
No, no, but, uh, my buddies were.
You know, I-I'd invite you all over to my place, but Ma's down in Florida working on her tan.
Yeah, she's got this standing rule that, uh, when she's not around, I'm not allowed to bring any more than two friends over at a time.
Please, she's never gonna know.
Yes, she will, Norm.
Tell you what, why-why don't we have Thanksgiving dinner here at Cheers? Pot luck, huh? Why here? Because you don't think I can handle the responsibility of making a big dinner for everybody? Well, I was gonna beat around the bush a little bit, but, yeah, that's the gist.
Well, if you're gonna have it, can we have a turkey? I was just gonna make grilled cheese.
All right, we'll have a turkey.
Good idea.
Okay, who's in on the dinner here, huh? Count me in.
All right.
Fras, what about you? Oh, you probably have other plans, don't you? Oh, yes, big plans.
Frederick and I will be spending the day with the new friends we've made since Lilith's departure: Mrs.
Paul, Dinty Moore, Uncle Ben.
Oh, and maybe the Stouffers will stop by.
Why don't you join us, huh? Oh, thanks, Sam.
WOODY: Oh, Mr.
What a nice surprise.
You remember Mr.
Peterson, Mr.
Clavin? Nick.
Actually, it's, uh, it's Norm, Cliff.
You're lucky I got that close.
Now, Woody, the reason I came by here is that now that you're my son-in-law, I need your signature on some papers here.
So what are they? Oh, it's, uh, nothing important.
Just, uh, some silly forms giving me power of attorney over all of your affairs.
You see, the Gaines estate is wide and varied.
And now that you're married to Kelly, you're part of that estate.
I'm not sure I understand all this.
Oh, let me put it in Hanover-ese, Woody.
You know how a turkey, when, uh, it feeds at the trough, will eat until it dies? Well, these forms give me the right now that you're feeding at the Gaines trough to pull your head away if I think you're gonna choke.
Well, turkeys don't choke, Mr.
Gaines, they explode.
Well, the one clue you get is you-you hear this hissing sound just before they blow.
Now, you hear a turkey hissing, head for the hills.
Turkey shrapnel can kill you.
For God's sake, Woody, just sign or make your mark or whatever it is you do.
Thank you, Woody.
Oh, wait, uh, Mr.
I just got paid today and, uh, if I'm now part of the Gaines estate, I guess I should do my part and throw my pay-check into the pot.
(chuckling) Good, Woody.
Always leave them laughing.
Why do you let him talk to you like that, huh? NORM: Yeah, you got to stand up to him, Wood.
I'd never let my father-in-law take advantage of me that way.
CLIFF: I, uh, thought your father-in-law was dead, Norm.
You know, he might be.
Haven't seen him in ages.
Come to think of it, I do remember Vera left a note on the refrigerator one night.
Something about a funeral.
Ah, shoot, this is gonna drive me crazy.
You know, Sam, I always wanted to get along with Mr.
Gaines like I do with my dad.
You and your daddy got along well, huh? Oh, yeah.
We'd go fish and bowl, hang around, pass notes to each other in class.
Woody, you know, it's none of my business, but I think you ought to stand up to Mr.
Gaines right now, or he's gonna be walking all over you the rest of your life.
Well, I'd like to stand up to him, Sam, but he scares me.
Well, I know.
He's a pretty intimidating guy.
But you know the way around that is you figure out what you're gonna say, get it in your head all straight, then you go over there and you tell him.
Well, what would you say, Sam? Me? Oh.
Well, I don't know.
Something like, uh, you know, "I'm disappointed in you.
"You should be ashamed of yourself, you know.
"Things are gonna be different from now on.
You're gonna give me the respect that I deserve.
" Yeah, I always thought I did respect you, Sam.
Maybe I was wrong.
Tell you what, why-why don't we, uh, why don't we drive over there and-and you can rehearse what you're gonna say on the way, all right? Well, I suppose if I don't, I'll have to listen to another lecture about how I don't respect you.
Okay, okay, I'm 95% sure Vera's father is alive.
No, no, dead.
No, make that dead.
He's dead.
Or could he be Well suppose I'll just call Vera and ask her, I guess.
I don't know how you ask someone (chuckles): A question like that.
Although Vera is always saying we should talk more, you know.
Uh, yes, hi, honey, hi.
Uh, listen, um, do I, uh, do I have a dark suit? I do? Um, good.
D-Do you remember, uh, why I bought it? A funeral, of course.
Was, uh, was your father there? Was he wearing makeup by any chance? Vera? Vera? Shoot, this is gonna bug me all day.
(moans): Oh, Walter.
Oh! (moaning): Oh! Oh.
Katherine, Katherine, we can't go on like this.
Walter You're my brother's wife.
I mean, if anyone ever found out, it would ruin both our families.
You're right, Walter, it's wrong.
Terribly wrong.
But I don't care.
That's my girl.
Gaines is in the library, right through there.
Aren't you gonna announce us? Very well, sir.
Gaines, there are two gentlemen here to see you.
That make you feel like a big man? Ah, don't worry about that.
Okay, just like we rehearsed it in the car, big fellow.
All right, I'm disappointed in him, he should be ashamed of himself, and he should start treating me with respect.
Gaines? (moaning): Oh, God.
Woody! What are you doing here? Oh, I-I can see you're busy.
I'll wait outside.
My God, Walter.
Who was that? That was my idiot son-in-law.
Woody, just a minute! Well, did he see us? Of course he saw us.
I knew something like this was gonna happen.
I've got to catch him before he blabs it all over the mansion.
What do you mean he's exercising? That's what it looked like.
I-I think he was doing push-ups.
Oh, come on.
You're just trying to back out of this.
No, I'm not, Sam.
I'm gonna tell him.
Well, then Excuse me.
You're the gentlemen I led from the foyer to the library, am I correct? (chuckles): Yeah, right.
Would you be a dear and help me find my way back? Uh, sure.
Well, actually, you know, it's not that hard.
All you got to do is go down the, uh, that staircase with those naked angels that are carved in the banister.
Then-then you, uh, go through that long hallway with the three naked ladies kind of frolicking in the field there.
And then you go take a left, and you get in that big room that has that, uh, bronze statue of the b I'll tell you what, why don't I take you there myself? I'll be right back.
Now, Woody, I know you must be terribly confused, but there's a simple explanation.
No, no, no, Mr.
You're gonna sit down, and I'm gonna talk, and you're gonna listen.
All right.
Now I'm very disappointed in you.
You should be ashamed of yourself.
From now on, things are gonna be different.
You're gonna start treating me with respect.
Whatever you want, Woody.
What will it take for you to forget everything that's happened? You name it.
Seriously? Oh, yes.
Whatever you want.
Wow, that speech really took.
Well, uh, for starters, this, uh, power of attorney thing you made me sign.
It's gone, ripped up, never existed.
All right, and I don't want you to make fun of me in front of my friends anymore.
You've got it.
Well, what I really want, Mr.
Gaines, is just for us to get to know each other better.
Oh, for God sakes, Woody, I didn't commit murder.
All right, just forget the whole thing.
Well, no, Woody, if you want to be friends, that's-that's fine, that's fine.
In fact, uh, we could, uh, oh Go fishing? Yeah, uh, fishing.
Of course, fine.
In fact, why don't we go fishing in your new boat? (chuckles): My new boat?! Yes.
Really? In-in fact, uh, why don't we call it the S.
Silence? Well, I'm sure we can come up with a better name than that, but thanks.
(both chuckle) You know, I get a feeling we're gonna be pretty close from now on, Mr.
Well, Walter did he know what we were doing? Not only does he know, but he's doing it to me.
REBECCA: Okay, you guys, I'm trying to get a head count here so I know how many people are here for Thanksgiving so I can have enough turkey.
Oh, easy on the turkey for me, though, Rebecca, 'cause, uh, those tryptophanes just put me to sleep.
Get two turkeys.
Norm, are you gonna be here? Yeah, I might as well.
Vera's spending Thanksgiving at her mother's.
How come? Oh, she's still angry about me asking whether her father's dead or alive.
You never know what's going to tick some people off.
Hey, Normie, I've got an easy way to find out whether or not your father-in-law's, uh, still alive or not.
Yeah? Yeah, yeah, you give, uh, Vera's parents' house a call.
If a guy answers, bingo, there's your answer.
Huh? I'll tell you what.
I'll look up the number for you in the directory here.
So what's, uh, what's Vera's maiden name? It's, uh Damn, this is gonna get embarrassing.
Could I be having some severe memory lapse here? Oh, Norm, quick.
In Herbie The Love Bug, Yeah? Who played the bad guy? Keenan Wynn.
Your memory's sound, my friend.
WOODY: Hey, Sam.
Me and Mr.
Gaines just went fishing on my new boat.
And guess what we're doing tomorrow? Flying to Vermont.
Vermont? Yeah.
Well, all I did was ask Mr.
Gaines how maple syrup was made.
And the next thing you know, boom, he's firing up the jet.
That's right.
Well, in spite of all the fun we've been having, I, I really must run along.
Oh, hey, Mr.
What about my hug? Oh, gee, Woody, I don't know.
Oh, yeah, I guess you're right.
I don't want to catch one of those fish hooks in my eye.
On second thought, come here, son! Wow.
How 'bout that? You guys are getting along great, aren't you? Yep, Sam.
You know, I owe it all to my little speech.
As soon as I delivered it, he was putty in my hands.
Well, that's great, man, that's great.
I noticed, though, you said, uh, your speech, when, you know, technically it was my speech.
Remember? Right over there, I, uh, thought it up.
You may have thought it up, Sam, but I'm the one who made it sing.
Well, whatever.
Yeah, you know, when, uh, Woody Boyd talks, people listen.
Matter of fact, Sam, I'm gonna do you a great, big favour.
Peterson, I'm gonna talk and you're gonna listen.
It's about your beer tab.
Wood, stay in the shallow end.
Yeah, maybe you're right, sorry.
Get it, get it, get it, get it, get it, get it! Oh! Oh, man, this is great.
(TV clicks off) Norm? Yeah? Th-The Barcalounger is only here for the day, right? Thanksgiving just wouldn't be the same without it, Sam.
Tomorrow it goes back, right? I mean, you, you signed this agreement remember? Sam, what do you think of all the decorations? I bought everything with my own money.
Yeah, you know, I've been meaning to ask you.
What do skeletons and witches have to do with Thanksgiving? Well, uh the witches came over with the Pilgrims.
And then the Pilgrims burned them all at the stake.
And then, when they were all burned up, there was nothing left of them but skeletons.
And that left the Pilgrims free to make a big dinner.
They were cheap, huh? Actually, they were throwing them out.
Well, it looks, it looks really nice, Rebecca.
It looks really nice.
Wh-What about the, uh, the plates? Oh, I'm going to borrow those from Melville's.
No, no! Oh, don't do that.
Don't do that.
If-if John Hill finds out, he'll blow his bald stack.
Oh, don't be silly.
Melville's is closed and John Hill's at the Cape.
Besides, I'm already using his oven to cook the turkey.
Well, in that case, uh, why don't you get some silverware.
I think we've gonna run out of these sporks.
Well, here we are, Frederick.
Over the river and through the woods To the bar stool on the right.
Ah, the beginnings of a marvellous Thanksgiving memory.
Say, Norm, uh, the last time I was at your house, wasn't this chair red? Yeah, yeah, I go through them pretty quickly.
Hi, Frasier.
Hi, Frederick.
Hey, how do you like the way I decked the place out? Well, uh, I must say it looks rather festive.
Thank you.
Oh, you're getting plates from Melville's.
You know what would look beautiful is those, uh, those gorgeous candlesticks they have.
Ooh, good idea.
Why don't you go up there and grab those? Come here, Frederick.
Well, you guys lucked out.
You get to spend you Thanksgiving with the Tortellis.
Hide your valuables.
Hey kids, park it over there.
Carla, why'd you only bring three of your kids? Well, we have this kind of Thanksgiving tradition at our home.
You see, at noon I set them out on the curb.
Then the various men they've come to know as "Dad" drive by, and who's ever left comes with me.
Uh there must be some mistake here.
Uh you've got me sitting at the kiddie table.
Um, no, no, uh, no mistake Cliff.
Uh, we all decided that you're the only one that we trust being an adult supervisor.
Ah, well, that's another bowl of stuffing, then, Sammy.
I'll be proud to watch the little tykes.
So, kiddies I ever tell you about the first Thanksgiving? Yeah, it took place, uh, between the ancient Egyptians and astronauts from a distant galaxy.
(speaking gibberish) Oh, thank you, Frederick.
God, I wish I'd had kids.
Food's on! Come on, everybody.
Sit down around the table here.
Listen, here's the good news.
You can make a mess, and don't worry about breaking anything, 'cause none of this stuff belongs to us.
Yay! Yay! Yay! Sam why don't you, uh, make a little toast? Oh yeah.
All right, that's a good idea.
Uh, all right, uh welcome to, uh, Thanksgiving at Cheers.
I hope everybody enjoys the food, and I'd like to make a toast right now to the man who made this all possible: John Allen Hill.
Oh, now, now, come on.
I-I know what you're thinking.
But you know, I tell you the truth uh, if John and I hadn't gotten off on the wrong foot I think we would have been best of friends.
If he were here right now, I would, uh, I'd ask him to sit down and break bread with us.
But because he isn't, then I say let's raise our glasses to that grand old gentleman, John Allen Hill.
JOHN: Well, isn't this touching? All the Who's down in Whoville gathered 'round their roast beast.
Good heavens, man, I thought you were at the Cape.
I was until the police called to tell me the silent alarm had gone off upstairs.
Ah, uh, yeah- that was, that was us, John.
I-I'm sorry, we, uh, borrowed a few things for our simple dinner here.
John, I'll tell you what.
Why don't you join us, please? Please come sit at my right hand.
No, no, no, thank you.
Please, I couldn't.
But since no harm was done, I'll be on my way.
Happy Thanksgiving.
And do sterilize everything.
Thank you, John, and happy Thanksgiving.
So how'd you spot him? I saw the reflection of his head in the dessert tray.
Can I have one? Mr.
and Mrs.
Woody Boyd.
How was that, sport? Hi, Daddy.
Hello, pumpkin.
It's good to see you.
Hi, Dad.
Hello, son.
Happy Thanksgiving! Happy Thanksgiving! Hi, Uncle Richard, Aunt Katherine.
Hello, darling.
GAINES: Richard.
Certain parties are here this evening, and things may get very delicate.
Oh, don't worry about a thing, Mr.
Boy, she looks familiar.
Now, Woody Where have I seen her before? WOODY: Help me out here, Mr.
I got it! Uh, everyone into the dining room.
I can smell that turkey, it's all ready.
Let's just move along now.
The cranberry sauce and stuffing, all the trimmings.
Let's just move right along.
Come on, move, move, move, move.
Save me a drumstick.
Woody, I thought we had an understanding.
Now, we went fishing, took you bowling, we went to the arcade- if there's a lower middle class activity in Boston, we've done it.
Well, I'm sorry, Mr.
I was just trying to figure out where I knew Kelly's aunt from, and it finally came to me.
Of course it came to you.
You caught me making love to her on the floor of my office.
I met her at the wedding.
Caught you what? Nothing.
Let's eat.
Holy cow, that's your brother's wife, and you're having an affair with her? Yes.
You really didn't know? No.
Then you're not blackmailing me? I didn't have to buy your silence? Well, no, I-I would never blackmail you, Mr.
I mean, I think what you're doing is disgusting and wrong, but that's between you and Satan.
I've got something to tell you.
I think that we can't be friends anymore.
I don't respect you.
Well, I'll just have to live with your scorn and contempt, Woody.
Okay, Mr.
I just want you to know, I'd never blackmail you.
I'd much rather do this.
Hey, everybody, I've got something to tell you! Uh I want the wishbone! Gotcha.
This is gonna be a fun night.
Dear God It's over.
I'm free, finally free.
Your brother's wife, eh, Wally? Get me a drink.
We have to talk.