Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - Love Me, Love My Car

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
(bell ringing) Oh, here you go, pal.
Let me, uh (laughs) Sorry.
I don't have any change on me.
That's all right.
God bless you anyway.
FRASIER: Hey, Sam.
Hey, Frasier, how you doing, man? I tell you, I used to have change all the time, but things are tough now.
The bar burned down, you know.
This is the place right here.
Yeah, burned down, and I've been spending every dime I have just to rebuild the place.
I don't have anyone to blame but myself really.
And women.
Oh, God.
(laughs) Me and women.
Yeah, I tell you, I think I think it first started for me when I hired this really bright, blonde waitress, you know.
Her name was Diane.
Maybe you heard about her.
Used to come in and out of here all the time.
Five years ago, books under her arm And then Rebecca, you know, finally admitted, "Yeah, I burned the bar down.
" I forgave her.
Good night, Sam.
Yeah, good night, Fras! And then, listen to this.
Rebecca finally admits to me, "Yes, I burned the bar down.
" (whoops) Was I mad, I tell you.
But what are you gonna do? Are you gonna stick her with guilt the rest of Sam? Yeah? There you go.
Thank you.
Come this way.
Here you go.
You earned it.
(theme song begins) Sometimes you want to go Where everybody knows your name And they're always glad you came You wanna be where you can see Our troubles are all the same You wanna go where everybody knows your name.
Hey, guys.
Oh, hey, Sam.
Hey, listen, uh, my folks sent me a Christmas ham, and I wanted to surprise Kelly, so I'm putting him in your office till the last minute.
Is that all right? Fine with me.
Sure it will keep? WOODY: Oh, sure.
(squealing) Unless some city boy lets him out.
(squealing) Oh, Woody, look.
He's so cute.
(baby talk): Yes, you are.
You're so sweet.
Oh, he's shivering.
Should we cover him with something? Well, not really.
Maybe with some honey glaze and a little pineapple.
That is disgusting.
I can't believe you'd even think about killing something this sweet.
Rebecca, where do you think hams come from? Big, funny-shaped cans on aisle six.
(squealing) Actually, I'm something of an expert on that subject.
Big, funny-shaped cans? No, Carla.
I happen to be a swine buff.
You see, your porcine mammal is known for his superior intelligence.
Well, that's true.
You know, back in Hanover, they say pigs are smarter than the people.
Actually, it's usually the tourists who point that out.
(door opening) Excuse me.
I'm looking for Sam Malone.
I'm Sam.
What can I do for you? Oh.
I'm, uh, Susan Methany.
My husband Kirby bought your Corvette.
(liquid pouring, glass clinking) You You've seen my Corvette? Is it parked outside right now? Wait.
Oh, how is she? How's she doing? Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Let me Let me get my shammy from the office here! No! Mr.
Malone, it-it's not here.
I just came here to ask a few questions about it.
SAM: Oh.
I'm sorry.
I got a little carried away.
You see, um, Kirby passed away a couple months ago.
Well, that is bad news.
It wasn't a car crash, was it? Oh, no, no.
It-It was a heart attack.
Oh, thank God.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I mean, thank God that he's, uh, not suffering anymore.
I'm sorry.
That came out wrong.
Let me Sit down.
Let me Let me buy you a coffee or something.
Thank you.
Um boy, that must be really tough on you right now, huh? Well, it's been a little rough, but I'm getting over it.
And part of getting over it is dealing with all the details, like the car.
My lawyer says I need the vehicle ID number, and I can't find it.
That's U510593947-D.
Oh, I'm sorry.
What am I doing? Let me Let me write this down for you.
Although I, uh, do have kind of a cute way of remembering this.
Uh, I made up a little song.
Want to hear it? Yeah.
I-I'm a kindergarten teacher.
I get my fill of cute little songs.
All right.
Maybe you could just write it down.
So, Susan.
So, what are you gonna do with the car? Um, I don't know.
I-I was just keeping it in the garage.
I'm perfectly happy driving my Volkswagen.
Excuse me.
Is that garage heated? Oh, yes, yes.
Kirby insisted.
He was a little nuts about the car, sweet as he was.
Okay, there you go.
Oh, thank you.
Do you have a pay phone? Uh, my lawyer said I should call him with the number.
Oh! Uh, here.
As a matter of fact, use this one right here.
There you go.
Hey, guys I'm sorry.
I'm just a little excited about your husband, uh (quietly): Hey, fellas.
(laughs) You know that guy Kirby who, uh, bought my Corvette? Dead.
Sorry, I can't be happy for you, Sam.
I didn't know him like you did.
No, no, no.
No, no.
No, I'm not happy that the guy had a heart attack.
It's just that this is a chance for me to get my Corvette back.
Oh, so, how do you figure you're gonna get the car? Oh, uh, that lady right there that's, uh that's the widow.
So, I figure, what? You know, I just take her out to dinner a few times, let her get to know me, you know, pour on the charm, and then, boom.
I'll lowball her, you know? Well, this calls for a round on the house, huh? Come on.
I don't have my car yet, man.
You, uh, kind of jumped the gun on that one, huh, Norm? Thank you, Mr.
Monday Morning Quarterback.
Thanks, Mr.
I won't bother you anymore.
Oh, uh, hold on one second, there.
Let me just, uh Don't know how to say this, but, uh, I can only imagine what you're going through and everything at this point.
I just want you to know that if you ever want to talk, I'm a bartender, and that's what I'm paid to do.
I listen.
Well, thank you.
That's nice of you.
Actually, you know, what the heck.
I got a break right now.
You want to take a walk in the park, maybe, and just talk? All right, I'd like that.
Great, all right.
It'd be nice talking to someone who's not six years old.
Yeah, I'll bet.
I'm getting my car back! You are such a good boy.
(snorts) Yes, you are! Yes, you did, you used your litter box again! Oh, he would make the best pet.
Hey, Woody, would you consider selling him? No, but I'll share him.
You will? Sure.
The day after Christmas, I'll bring you some sandwiches.
Woody, why would you say things like that? Miss Howe, I think you're getting a little too attached to this pig.
I am not, am I, Snuffles? No, I'm not getting too attached to you.
Whoa, Sammy, what's up? You're breaking out the good stuff.
Susan's coming over again.
So, Sam, how are things between you and Susan? Oh, uh, you know, pretty good, pretty good.
You know, I take her out, we talk.
We talk about school, about Kirby, life.
You know, everything under the sun.
Funny thing is, the more we talk, the more she likes me.
The more she likes me, the more she trusts me.
And the more she trusts me, the closer I get to snagging that car.
Did anyone else's blood just run cold? Oh, come on.
I'm not doing anything wrong here.
Give me a break, man.
You know, I'm helping her out, as a matter of fact.
She's going through some pretty difficult times.
I'm taking her mind off of it.
In other words, you deserve that car.
Well, I didn't want to say it, but I'm glad someone sees it my way, yeah.
All right! Well, let's celebrate, huh? This calls for a round on the house.
No, no, no, I haven't gotten the car quite yet, Norm.
You're severely off your game, my friend.
Game? You call this a game? Sammy, I don't know why you're going to all this trouble.
She told you that she keeps the car in a garage, right? You say the words, my kids are over there in 20 minutes.
In 25, your car is speeding down the highway.
Worse comes to worse, they put them away for a couple of years.
I mean, it's not like I'm rattling around in an empty house.
You're very sweet.
I appreciate that, but, you know, I've put a lot of energy and time into this plan.
I think I'm gonna stick with it.
(door opening) (singsongy): Where is Aunt Carla? There's Aunt Carla.
Isn't he the cutest thing you've ever seen? Yeah.
He's gonna make a nice football.
(whispering) What are you gonna do? I'm gonna save a life.
I'm gonna drive Snuffles way out in the country and give him his freedom.
He'll be free! Free, I tell you! And he'll always remember the person who gave him his freedom- Rebecca Howe.
This is the best thing I've ever done.
I don't mind saying, that is one screwed up broad.
Hey, Susan.
Hi, Sam.
Can I get you something? Juice and cookies? Uh, it was arts and crafts today.
Make it bourbon and water.
(laughs) Sam? Yeah.
I've got to tell you, this past week has been great.
You've really pulled me out of my shell.
Well, I'm glad to hear that.
Guess what.
What? I brought the Corvette.
Oh! Oh, my old car, right.
Yeah, I almost forgot.
Uh, it's blue, right? No, red.
Red, red, right.
Right, right.
Flame red, actually, but It felt kind of weird driving it.
Oh! Well, yeah, of course it did, of course.
Why didn't I think of that? Yeah, it reminds you of Kirby.
You know, it's none of my business, but I'm gonna say this anyway.
I think you should sell it.
I'm having a thought here.
Maybe Maybe No, that's crazy, that's crazy.
Well, what? What? Well, I-I was just gonna say that, you know, if-if you're gonna sell it, and, like we said, we think you should, then, um, why don't you sell it to me? Oh, Sam.
No, you don't have to do that for me.
No! No, I insist, I insist.
See, my-my only problem is that I don't think I can afford the fair market value.
You know, maybe only like ten grand over the next two years? You know what? Let's do it.
I-I-I never drive it, and-and you love it, so it's yours.
I think this is a great idea.
I tell you what- let me, uh, let me go get a check, and, uh, we'll go out to dinner and we'll celebrate.
Oh, what are you guys celebrating? I just sold Sam my car.
Oh, that's great.
That's all he's been talking about.
Really? Oh, yeah.
Well, he's had his eye on that car since the day you walked in the door.
Okay, here we go.
Here's the check.
Uh, do me a favour, do not cash this right away.
You know, Sam, if you wanted my car so badly, all you had to do was ask.
I mean, you didn't have to, uh, waste a week pretending to be my friend.
Here- take it.
How about that.
I got my car back.
Didn't cost me a penny! (chanting): Sammy! Sammy! Come on, come on.
Sammy! Come on, you'll have fun.
Sammy! Sammy! Woody, we're running low on pretzels.
I know, Miss Howe.
I set them all free to live in the wild.
Woody, I let your pig go three days ago and I've apologized every day.
Let's just drop it.
There is a quarter of an inch scratch on the right fender.
You can't miss it.
No! It disfigures the entire car! Listen, I want you to send your tow truck over right now.
Are you laughing at me? Are you laughing at me? You know, fine, I'll tell you something.
I'm gonna take my business some place else.
Sam, may I have a beer please? And let me guess- you dinged the Corvette again.
Boy, I don't know, it's weird.
It's the fourth scratch I've had in a week.
I don't know what's going on.
Maybe I need to check my eyes or something.
Your eyes.
Oh, what's that supposed to mean, huh? Sam, this is not a personal attack.
I am trying to help you.
Look, the way you got that car back was shameful.
It went against your better instincts.
Now, deep down, you don't think you deserve to have that car, and I submit that subconsciously you are trying to destroy it! Hey, you know, take your business someplace else! Go on! Get out of here! NORM: Sammy! Sammy, settle down now! Frasier could very well have a point there! You know something?! Or maybe not, okay? The guy's a quack.
Sammy! You scammed a poor, innocent widow out of her car.
Now, on many levels, I can respect that.
But somehow, this one crossed the line.
I know, you're right.
Yeah, and another thing.
Remember what I told you about hitting the customers? Yeah, I know.
I-I forgot.
That's-That's your turf.
It's-It's just that I have so little.
I know.
I'm sorry, you I'm sorry, Frasier.
I'm-I'm under a lot of pressure here.
I mean, I should be having fun with that car, and I'm not.
It's driving me crazy.
Do you really think there's something to that, you know, subconscious guilt and shame stuff? It depends.
Yeah? On what? Are you going to hit me again? Oh, no.
I'm sorry, man.
No, of course not.
I I know you're right.
I've been feeling like a real heel ever since she gave me the keys.
I mean, she's so sweet and so innocent, you know, and I was just making her believe I was her friend so I could snag the car.
Sam, you must find Susan and beg her forgiveness.
It's your only hope.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, thank you.
You're right.
I-I'm out of here.
You know, Sammy, another way you could go is just to get rid of the object of your guilt.
Cliff, you can't have the car.
Okey dokey.
(phone rings) Cheers.
Hello? Cheers.
Turn the phone around.
Right side up.
Right side up! Yeah.
That's much better.
Woody, it's your dad.
Hi, Dad.
Hello? I can't hear Dad! You're kidding.
Oh, my God.
That's unbelievable.
Wow! Well, that's I'm relieved.
Well, say hi to Mom, okay? All right.
Miss Howe, you aren't gonna believe this.
Guess who showed up in my folk' back door last night? Who? Snuffles.
Yeah, I guess he found his way onto the back of a truck that was headed that way.
I-I told you he was smart.
I can't believe this.
You see, he travelled all that distance to get home where he was safe and sound.
This is a Christmas miracle.
I'll say.
Mom said he was delicious.
Now remember, tomorrow we're going to visit the zoo, so everybody bring your permission slips.
What's a zoo again? Uh, it's a place where they have a lot of animals.
Even tigers? Yes, they have tigers at the zoo.
What if the tigers eat us? That's why you need your permission slips.
Uh, quiet time, everybody- hit the mats! Come on.
(knocking on glass) (overlapping chatter) Shh! I am teaching class.
Yeah, I know.
This'll only take a second, please.
Why are you here? I tried to call you at home, but you-you didn't answer the phone.
I-I've got to get something off my chest.
What? I mean, you got your precious car.
What else do you want from me? Susan, please, let me just try to explain something to you.
That-That car used to be my entire life, you know, and when you when you got it, I-I just went crazy for a second.
I'm sorry.
I really hurt you and I'm sorry, and I-and I want to make it up to you.
Here and I want to give you the fair market value of the car.
This check is just the down payment.
Please, I-I'm sorry.
Well, you did hurt me.
But I guess I understand.
I mean, the car was your whole life.
Oh, thanks.
So you forgive me? No, I don't forgive you.
I'm sorry, what You heard me I don't forgive you.
I mean, my whole life I-I've let people walk all over me.
And-And the minute that they start to feel a little bit guilty, I-I let them off the hook.
Well, no more.
For the first time in my life, I'm not going to forgive somebody.
Yeah! (giggles) It feels good not forgiving.
Yeah, well, not to me it doesn't.
I mean, listen, why-why don't you forgive me and not forgive some other guy.
You know, an every other thing.
Sam, if you feel guilty, I'm glad.
You deserve it.
Now excuse me.
I have a class to teach.
Oh, no, listen, I'm not leaving until you forgive me.
I'm serious.
Listen, this is very important to me, Susan Oh, my God.
What did you do to those kids? (quietly): It's quiet time.
Now go.
No, hey, I I'm sitting right here until you forgive me.
All right, then you're just gonna have to be a part of class.
All right.
All right, quiet time is over.
Everybody up.
Back to your chairs.
Boys and girls, I would like you all to meet someone.
This is Sam.
ALL: Hi, Sam! Yeah, hi, boys and girls.
Listen, I'm gonna be sitting right here until your teacher forgives me.
So you just carry on.
Go ahead.
Class, do you remember when we were talking about telling the truth? ALL: Yes.
Well, Sam here told a fib.
ALL: Boo! And what kind of people tell fibs? ALL: Bad people! Oh, wait.
Hold on a second.
So, I did a bad thing.
Please, just can't you forgive me? And where do fibbers go? ALL: In the doghouse! I'm sorry.
In the what? ALL: In the doghouse! Oh, come on, Susan, not the doghouse.
This is Oh, come on, this is stupid.
I've already given you the check.
What more do you want? Can fibbers buy their way out of the doghouse? ALL: No! So, why don't you just sit there and think about what you've done? The rest of us will get out our art supplies.
ALL: Yay! This doghouse is stupid.
And it's made out of cardboard.
I-I could get out of here anytime I want.
I could.
Don't forget your permission slips.
Sam, I've got to say, you're quite a sport.
You made it through the morning and the afternoon classes.
Well, I'll tell you the truth.
I was going to leave a couple hours ago but my my legs kind of froze up.
Oh, boy! Listen, uh I, uh I've been mulling it over, especially during the, uh quiet time, and I I think that I think you should take the car back.
What? Yeah.
Come on.
I-I'm never going to enjoy it.
I I think you should drive it.
And please, once again, I'm sorry.
I acted like a real jerk.
I forgive you.
You what? I said I forgive you.
I just won't forgive the next guy.
Hey, thank you.
That means a lot to me.
Say, uh this may not be the right time or anything, but you want to go out and grab something to eat? You serious? Yes.
I-I You know, I owe you one.
You know, we spent a lot of time together last week.
I kind of miss it.
All right.
Why don't we take your car? My car? Are you serious? Yeah.
But if you miss one payment Yeah.
I know, I know.
In the doghouse.
You'll wish.
You know, for a minute there, when you were asking me out, I thought maybe you were trying to get to Kirby's boat.
Oh, come on.
Kirby had a boat?