Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - Loathe and Marriage

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Hey, Sam.
Sorry I'm late.
Had to stop at the drug store.
That's okay, Woody.
Had to make another embarrassing trip to the drug store to get a little, uh Protection? Yeah.
You know, Kelly and I want to have a family and all, but we figured we'd wait until after that raise you promised.
Hope you got a lot of protection.
Well, as usual, you know, I'm a little embarrassed and nervous when I go in there, so I buy a whole bunch of stuff so it doesn't look like I'm just trying to get some you know.
So I got some paper plates batteries, flashbulbs, Skol some gum Chia Pet oh, eyeglass repair kit Yeah.
Oh, notebook paper and VO5.
Where's the, uh where's the protection? See you in about an hour, Sam.
(theme song begins) Making your way in the world today Takes everything you've got Taking a break from all your worries Sure would help a lot Wouldn't you like to get away? Sometimes you want to go Where everybody knows your name And they're always glad you came You wanna be where you can see Our troubles are all the same You wanna be where everybody knows your name You wanna go where people know ♪ People are all the same ♪ ♪ You wanna go where everybody knows your name.
♪ Hi, Ma.
Hey! Look who's here.
Serafina! What are you doing here? I need to talk to you.
You're pregnant.
REBECCA: Carla, that is a rude and unfair thing to say.
There's a million reasons why your daughter would want to talk to you.
I am pregnant.
Then again, you raised a slut.
Sit down.
Now, oh, God first of all are you getting sick in the morning? A little bit, but I haven't had to "Clavin," if that's what you mean.
And to answer your next question, no, it wasn't planned.
Oh, Serafina I have been praying that this day wouldn't come, but I can't say I'm all that surprised.
In fact, I have this little speech I've been carrying around in case it did happen.
"Dear Serafina, soon you will be 14 and able to think for yourself.
" Mom.
I'm 18.
That's right, you are.
None of this applies.
(groans) So, do you know who the father is? Yes.
Oh, honey, I'm so proud! It's Pat McDougall, the guy I've been going with.
Isn't he that retired cop who's just living off his disability? That's right.
And now he wants to marry me.
Do you love him? Yes.
Then don't marry him.
What? The worst thing you could do, Serafina, is marry for love.
You know, when I first met your deadbeat father, Nick, I loved him, too.
Even when he knocked up my sister, I said hey, look, the guy is just trying to get in good with the family at my wedding.
But for the next ten years, all he did was cheat on me, treat me like dirt and keep me in maternity clothes.
Mom, it's not like that- Pat's a good man.
He loves me and I love him, and we want to build a life for our baby.
Please give us your blessing.
Well you're not gonna get that alimony by staying single.
Mom, you're the best! Hey, my daughter's getting married! Hey! Oh! This'll be interesting.
Finally, a wedding where I don't envy the bride.
Thanks, Ma- you won't regret this.
And listen, Pat and I are gonna pay for the whole thing.
Oh, no, no, no, no, you are my daughter, and you're in love, and I'm gonna make you the best reception I can- we're pulling out all the stops.
You know, there is an elegant, tasteful restaurant upstairs, and as luck would have it, I am boinking the owner.
Hey, Hill! It's Carla.
Come on down here, we got to talk.
Hill? What are you doing? Come on.
You don't have to have it up there.
Have it down here at Cheers.
Oh, no, no, we can have the reception here, but we got to have the ceremony upstairs.
Why? Every wedding we have at Cheers is a disaster.
Uh, remember you and Diane? This place is jinxed.
No, it's not- you're just thinking of the bad ones.
What about, uh, Barry and JoAnne? Barry! Come here.
Barry, how's it going with you and JoAnne? Where have you been, in a cave? All right, Miss Tortelli, just what is it? My daughter Serafina has just announced she's getting married.
When's the baby due? SERAFINA (calling): Here I come, Mom! Get ready! What do you think? SAM: That's great, Serafina.
You look great.
Kind of sleazy for a wedding outfit.
Sam, that was my wedding dress.
When I say "sleazy," I mean sleazy in a beautiful young bride kind of way.
Carla, is that Cap'n Gus and his Polka Pirates? It's my daughter's wedding, isn't it? Ah, Miss Tortelli, there you are, an hour behind schedule, I see.
You're as prompt as you are lovely.
What do you want, Hill? And by the way, you have your toupee on wrong.
The hair goes on the outside.
Miss Tortelli, I'm here to remind you that this wedding must be over by 11:30 on the dot.
That's when I open for lunch.
You open for lunch at noon.
I know your family- they leave at 11:30; At 11:31 the Orkin man arrives.
And please also remind your guests that even though this is a wedding, it is still a restaurant.
No shoes, no shirt, no service.
Hi, everybody.
Hey, Kelly, Woody.
I'll go put this on the gift table, Woody.
Uh, hey, Woody, what'd you get for the happy couple? Ah, well, strictly between you and me, went up in the attic, dug up one of our wedding gifts.
One of the ugliest things I ever saw.
We couldn't wait to get rid of it.
Ah, yeah, so you just thought you'd, uh, pass it on to the happy couple, huh? Good thinking.
So, uh, what is it? Oh, a set of Star Trek steak knives.
FRASIER: Woody, damn it! That gift was from Lilith and me! They're delightfully whimsical and-and very utilitarian.
Uh, I-I'm sorry Dr.
I didn't realize.
Well, all right, Woody.
To tell you the truth, I, I was doing the same thing you were doing.
I Fobbing off a gift that we thought was the worst thing we ever got.
Thanks a lot, Fras.
That was from Vera and me.
You and Vera gave those away? You better not tell Ma.
Hey, there.
Remember me? Yes, I do.
You're Carla's son, Gino.
And I did not appreciate the nude photos of yourself that you sent.
You know, it's the best I could do at the machine at the mall.
Gino, would you forget about it? I'm not gonna go out with you.
You're much too young for me.
Yeah, right.
Coo-coo-ca-choo, Miss Howe.
Thanks for everything, Mom.
Oh, honey, you know, I got to admit that I wasn't too crazy about this at first.
But after spending this last week getting the wedding ready and being with you and everything, I got to say it's been the best week of my life.
Me, too.
Ah, am I in time for the nuptials?! Daddy! Nick.
My little girl, you look so beautiful.
(giggles) Are those implants?! Carla it's been a fortnight.
You colouring your hair? I cannot believe this.
What else could possibly go wrong? Hi, gang at Cheers! Sorry I'm late, but I had to park the car.
And then I had walk from the car to here.
How did you find out about this? My cousin Eddy called me.
He-he told me he read it in the paper.
So I figured, uh, my invitation got lost in the mail.
Daddy, I'm so glad you're here.
I can't wait for you to meet my fiancé.
Stay right here; I'll bring him down.
Hey, Nick.
Hey, Sam! Hey.
You, are not welcome here.
Now, you just do us all a favour and leave, okay? You have no right to be here.
I have a right to be here! I am the father of the bride! I have a responsibility to give away the hand of the betrothed! It's what's called loin entitlement.
You smelly little wart.
See, Kelly, we're not the only couple who has cute little nicknames for each other.
Carla, I have to be honest with you.
When I heard about this wedding, I was very hurt that you excluded us.
After all, a marriage is a time for forgiveness and healing.
We drove 22 hours to get here.
We even bought a beautiful present.
(snaps twice) It's a set of Star Trek steak knives.
Anyway, I have a right to be here.
I'm, uh, I'm gonna stay.
Yeah? You can just drive SAM: Oh, come on, Carla.
It took them so long to get here.
And-and, you know, he is her father.
Oh, fine, fine.
You want Nick to be at my daughter's wedding? Well, you can have him.
Just have a great time! Oh, come on, Carla.
Yeah, women, women.
Isn't it enough we sleep with them? So, uh, Nick, what have you been up to lately, huh? Oh, uh, well, we still live in the glamorous environs of Las Vegas, although we recently did move.
We didn't like our old neighbourhood, so we just drove our house to a better one.
Oh, uh, so how's the career going, Nick? Last time we chatted, you were talking about marketing some kind of a, slot machine for the home.
Oh yeah, "Flush and Win.
" It was a great idea.
The only problem is that people had a difficult time retrieving their change.
Yeah, but I'm onto something very big now.
And this is an opportunity for me to include you, my friends, in this future affluence.
Well, you know how I hate to be apart from Vera Wait, wait, sit, sit, hear me out.
I know I've had some crazy schemes in the past, but this is then and that was then and this is now.
This is completely legit.
I have an opportunity, to purchase, an orang-utan act.
Did he say "purchase" or "join"? Just need a couple of backers.
Hear this: three apes, some banana oil, and a broad that's had all her shots.
Nicky, we missed you, lad.
CLIFF: Hey, uh, Nick, if you want somebody to invest in that, uh, act of yours there, for Vegas, you ought to go talk to blondie over there.
Yeah, she's loaded.
Thank you.
Listen, you come to Vegas, you're comped.
Excuse me, young man.
Hello Miss.
I'm Nick Tortelli.
I'm Kelly Boyd.
I can tell by your organda that you have taste and discernment.
Thank you.
Knock, knock.
Who's there? Opportunity.
Opportunity who? This is gonna take some time.
People, people, it's getting late.
Now no one admires the sight of a beautiful young bride more than I, but the lunch rush is the lunch rush.
Say John, I, I bet you'd like to meet Carla's first husband.
Oh, my God! Nice to meet you.
My profession requires that I handle food.
Daddy, this is my fiancé, Pat.
Nice to meet you, sir.
Aw, enough of the chit-chat.
Step into my office.
How do you propose to, uh, support my progeny? Well, I'm a retired police officer and currently living off disability.
What is the nature of your injury? Whiplash.
Very good, difficult to disprove.
Very bright.
Thank you, sir.
Bright enough to invest? Pardon me? Bright enough to place your future and the future of your entire progeny in the orang-utan act? Come on, Carla, don't do this.
He has no right to be here.
I raised those kids.
He just split.
Yeah, I, I know that.
I made all the sacrifices.
I had to bear all the burden, he did nothing.
Well, what are you gonna do, you know, the guy's here? (drawer slams) (yelling in pain) Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Sam, those kids are all I got, okay? I know.
They're all that matters to me.
He doesn't care about that.
He doesn't care who he hurts.
(knock at door) Yeah, but Sam, Sam could you hurry it up a bit? Captain Gus has just played the polka version of "Hava Nagila.
" He's managed to insult two cultures.
I'm not, I'm not doing any good here.
Please, please talk to her, will you? All right, Sam.
Uh, Carla, look, I know what you're going through.
I mean, you've sacrificed your whole life for your kids and now, on the big day, Nick swoops in and tries to hog all the glory.
Look, it happens all the time.
One parent uses the child as leverage against the other.
Really, Doc? Oh yes, yes.
Often in a broken marriage the child becomes nothing more than, a helpless pawn in the war between the two adults.
Of course that hasn't happened with, with Lilith and myself because she's gone.
But, uh, she'll be back.
Oh, I know she'll be back, you know why? 'Cause I have Frederick.
Yes, sir, he's my little trump card.
Thank you very much.
He is, you know.
I have a plan.
(laughs evilly) You're Nick, right? Yes.
I'm Rebecca Howe.
I work here in the bar with Carla.
And I just want to say you must be very proud.
Oh I'm very proud.
I know the last thing that I would want to do is introduce a dark note, but if you don't get your hand off my butt, you're gonna lose it.
NORM: Sammy, how'd it go in there? Oh, not good.
She refuses to come out.
I don't know Don't worry about it, Sam.
I'll handle it.
Carla, at times, can be very obdurate.
She also can be very recalcitrant, intransigent and immovable.
Nicky got one of those word-a-day calendars.
We played word games all the way from Las Vegas.
I'm insipid.
Go home, Nick.
You don't deserve to be here.
Carla, listen, I, I understand your feelings very well.
I know some people probably thought I was a bad father and maybe I was and maybe I wasn't, and maybe I was.
I speak to you from the bottom of my heart and guts, that these last few years without family has been very empty for me.
All I've had is Loretta.
No offence.
None taken.
I've come to learn that the most important thing is family.
Yeah, I know, I come at this late date for Serafina's wedding, but I thought it would be a first step, in realigning myself with my offspring and them becoming truly a paternity figure.
So you want to be a father.
You want to get back in your kids' lives, huh? Absolutely.
Come over here.
Let's go.
Over here we have ten kids.
Some of them are yours.
Identify three, and you can stay.
Otherwise you're out of here.
Is this a test? You're stalling.
Give me some time to gather my momentum.
So, Miss Howe, we've got five minutes.
You want to tear one off? That's mine! Okay, that's one.
Hugo, my beloved.
Sorry, Nick, that's not your kid.
You know you people could help me.
FRASIER: I wouldn't be much good.
I thought your last selection was correct.
Uh, I think it's about time.
Let's start the ceremony.
Oh, that's Serafina.
She's one of mine.
Aw, forget it Nick.
Let's face it, you can't do this.
Aw Loretta.
Hit the road.
Go on, kids, go on upstairs and get ready for the ceremony.
Come on, let's go.
What's happening? Your mother doesn't feel I belong here.
She says I'm unwelcome.
Mother, you can't send Daddy away on the most important day of my life.
Listen, Serafina, you've gotta understand No, this is not about you.
It's about me- my wedding, my day.
Have a nice life, baby.
Wait one minute, Daddy.
Look, Ma, I know all the things you've done for me.
I know you don't like Daddy, but like him or not, he is my dad.
I know he's been a bad father never around when you need him, a louse, a jerk, a liar, a deadbeat.
You tell her, honey.
You know, all my life I've always pictured that someday I would walk down the aisle on my father's arm, just like any other girl.
Not like every other girl, Serafina.
My father wasn't there to give me away.
And how'd that make you feel, Mom? Pretty rotten.
Sayonara, Serafina.
Oh wait, Nick.
You can stay.
Really? Thanks, Mom.
Look, you, listen you do anything to ruin my lovely daughter's wedding, and I will choke you until your eyes bug out.
(voice breaking): It's just like The Waltons.
LORETTA: What are you doing the rest of your life? North and south and east and west of your life? I have only one request of your life Carla, look at our kid out there.
She's pregnant, married to a retired cop.
We must have done something right.
Maybe our other kids will turn out okay, too.
That is my most fervent wish.
(phone ringing) Cheers.
Oh, just a second.
Tortelli, it's for you.
For me? Hello.
What? What? When? (yelling): All right, I'll be on it! Loretta, let's go! WOODY: What's the matter? One of the orang-utans went nuts and bit a kid.
I've got to rush to Vegas before they put him to sleep.
The orang-utan or the kid? I didn't ask.
Thanks again for everything, Mom.
I'm happy.
Serafina, I really want to apologize for the way I acted this afternoon.
And I promise I'll be on my best behaviour at your next wedding.
Oh, Ma.