Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - Is There a Doctor in the Howe? (1)

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Not again.
Every day this week! If I find out who this N.
R.
P.
creep is, I'm really gonna let him have it.
Hurry up, Norm.
Sammy's getting a lot faster at this.
Got it.
Hey, Norm.
Listen, I uh I know the N.
P.
Stands for Norm Peterson.
What's the "R" stand for? Resourceful.
(theme song begins) Sometimes you want to go Where everybody knows your name And they're always glad you came You wanna be where you can see Our troubles are all the same You wanna go where everybody knows your name.
Mail-gram for you, Fras.
CLIFF: Well, I'll be darned.
Yeah, what's that? Well, it says here if you walk with a quarter wedged between your knees your, your posture will be a lot better.
Hey, give me a couple of bits here, Norm, I want to try it.
Tell you what, Cliff here's a buck to not try it, okay? Fair enough.
(groans) What's the matter? It's from Lilith.
Oh, that's awful.
What? What's awful? "Dear Frasier, life in the Eco-pod is wonderful.
"Googie and I are happier "than we've ever been.
"Please start divorce proceedings.
Our marriage is" Made in heaven? "Our marriage is over.
" That burns my hide- Lilith sending that Mail-gram.
Well, thank you, Cliff.
Well, all of a sudden a first class stamp isn't any good anymore? I mean, people, I've been telling you, I mean, our success rate is almost 50%! Well, you know, unless it's raining, 'cause then the tires I'm sorry to hear that.
Sorry.
Oh, thank you, Sam.
Divorce, Lilith wants a divorce.
You know, I, I know we've been separated and I've been saying some pretty bitter things, but I guess deep down in my heart of hearts, I'd always hoped for some sort of a reconciliation.
Now I just don't know how to feel.
Hey, you know, Fras, I went through this same thing when Nick left me.
And the way I look at it, here's what you can do.
You can get angry and bitter, learn to hate the world, snap at people.
Or? Or what? You want to talk about it, make yourself feel a little better? Oh, I appreciate what you're trying to do, Sam, but, uh, I think I'd just, uh, rather be alone right now.
Try to figure out how I'm gonna carry on now that, I know that Lilith is never coming back.
Boy, oh boy.
That must be rough, huh? I've never been married, but, uh, I remember how depressed I was when Ma left me.
You referring to the time your mother moved to Florida when you were 37 years old? It still hurt.
Poor Fras.
Boy, I'm never seen him so sad.
And it's too bad.
You know, he's always there for us.
He's always helping us out.
What can we do to cheer him up? I don't know.
Oh, I've got it.
Oh! We'll throw him a party.
What? A divorce party.
You know, then that way he'll know that all his friends support him and, and maybe it'll brighten his day a little bit.
We'll, we'll have it for him tomorrow when he usually comes in.
I don't know, you know, a party for a guy whose wife just left him uh it seems kind of strange.
Makes perfect sense to me.
Look out, everybody, here he comes.
Okay, what do we yell when he comes in? Just yell, "Surprise!" Surprise, surprise, surprise okay, I think I've got it.
ALL: Surprise! For he's a jolly good fellow For he's a jolly good fellow For he's a jolly good fellow Which nobody can deny.
(cheering) Is this for me? Yes, I thought it would help you get over Lilith.
Do you like it? Oh, very much.
Thank you.
Well, it was my idea.
The guys fought me at every turn.
Okay, everybody, let's lift our glasses here and toast Frasier's new-found freedom! Yeah! Yeah! Woody, you having a beer? Why not? I'm a grown man, I'm an adult.
I can handle my alcohol.
Plus we're out of chocolate milk.
(glass clinking) I want to make the first toast to Frasier.
Lilith stinks! ALL: Lilith stinks! Profoundly put.
But I really don't want this to degenerate into a "bash Lilith" party, so, look, what's done is done.
It's about time I got over it.
Oh, well, then you're not going to like what we did to the dart board.
Dah! Well, maybe just one throw.
(cheering) Nice shot! All right, Frasier! Well, I've got one at home.
Oh, dear, dear, dear.
Woody, uh, exactly how many beers have you had there, young fellow? Just one Mom.
Wood, you got to be careful there, buddy.
You never know how liquor's going to affect you, you know? Sometimes you can get depressed.
Sometimes you get giddy.
So, Norm, when're you gonna get off your butt and get a job? Sometimes you just get brutally honest.
Frasier, you know how I feel about you.
But I'm not any good with words, so I'm gonna let this do the talking for me.
(tawdry trumpet riff) (strip tease music playing) (patrons hooting and hollering) Oh, Lordy, look at that! Yeah! Cake! All right, huh? The world of the exotic dancer.
A little sleazy if you ask me.
Almost as sleazy as the types who frequent those joints.
Oh, hey! It's Cliff! Hey, uh, I must look like a Cliff.
Uh, excuse me, miss, could you move the veil, you're blocking the mocha creme, here.
You're kidding, right? No, you see, uh, sweetheart, over the years our priorities change.
Yeah? How so? Hey there, Miss Krapence.
That's Mr.
Krapence.
That's not what I heard.
Say, Woody, why don't you sit down right here for a while, all right? What's with this "Miss Krapence" stuff? I mean, who's been making cracks? I've got an ex-wife, you know.
Whoa, what-what-what are you doin' man? Why, why, why are you taking shots at, at Paul, huh? Well, come on, Sam, use your head.
The guy's in his 40s, he's not married.
He's always braggin' about his sex life and yet he's always here.
It all adds up, Sam.
Or should I say, Samantha? Would you guys do something with him? Look at that, Norm.
He's fast asleep.
Hmm? Oop! Oop! Look at this legs- they're twitching.
I bet you he's dreaming he's chasing rabbits.
Don't be ridiculous, Cliff.
Only dogs dream about chasing rabbits.
(barking) Frasier, are you enjoying your party? Yes, I am, very much.
Uh, friends, uh, I just wanted to say thanks.
Really, thank you very much.
Aw.
Okay.
It's just terrific you guys tried to cheer me up and, uh, I just think it's time I was shoving off now, okay? Frasier, you're going home? Well, yes, and, uh, thank you again, Rebecca, for putting all this together.
Frasier, are you going to be all right? I, I just get a little emotional when I, when I drink too much.
(laughing): Look at me.
Fras, you know what? I think I'm gonna drive you home.
Oh, I would really appreciate that, Rebecca.
I sent Frederick to his grandmother's, and I just don't want to go home to that house alone.
Frasier for what it's worth, I think that Lilith made a big mistake.
Well, thank you.
And for what it's worth, I think that Evan Drake made a big mistake, too.
Thank you, Frasier.
And, well, uh, while we're at it, so did Sam, and, uh, Martin Teal, and Robin Colcord and that that cousin of Woody's that used to play the piano, and Mark Newberger.
And those are just the ones you know about.
Ah.
I hope you didn't mind my pouring my guts out to you.
I didn't mind a bit.
I was glad to help.
So I'll see you tomorrow at work? Uh, Rebecca, why don't you come on in for a bit? I'll make some coffee.
Sure.
Okay.
Great.
All I've got's instant.
Oh, instant's fine.
You know, come to think of it, Fras, you have a really hard job.
You listen to other people tell you their problems all day long and you never really have a chance to talk about yourself.
You're a very sympathetic person, Rebecca.
Thanks again.
Frasier, would you quit thanking me? That's what friends do, they help each other.
You really are my friend, aren't you? Well, of course I am.
Fras, I think I better go.
Oh, oh, God.
Rebecca, I'm-I'm so sorry.
Uh, this this is entirely unintentional.
I-It wasn't premeditated or anything.
I, uh, oh, God, uh Frasier, I understand what you're trying to say.
Let's just forget it ever happened, okay? Rebecca, wait, wait.
I've always found you, you know, rather attractive.
Well, very attractive really.
Well, thank you very much.
That's sweet of you to say, but I really think I'd better be go It's just that seeing you now in my home, looking into your beautiful eyes, I just wanted to, I had to Oh, God, what am I doing?! This is not romantic, this is just weird! Frasier, y-you're my friend! I've known you for years! First Sam, now you.
Who's next- Cliff? Oh, God! Oh, Rebecca, you, you have to admit, there's always been some sexual tension between us.
There has? Yes.
It started the first day you came into the bar.
I heard your sexy, smoky voice.
I, I looked up and I thought, "My God! Who is that woman?" Really?! Really.
Your turn.
What did you think when you saw me? I thought Well, you know, Fras, I met so many people that day.
Well, I mean, through the years you must have at least found me a, a little attractive.
Well, I, uh Oh, come on! I mean, surely for as long as we've known each other, there has to be some sexual tension! Why?! Well it's been proven in scientific journals! People who spend any amount of time with each other do experience some sort of subconscious sexual attraction! Are you sure? Do you want me to get the book?! No, no, no, Frasier, Frasier, Frasier, Frasier, forget the book! Frasier, listen to me.
I You are a very attractive man.
And you're funny, you're witty, and you're very charming.
And one time, you came in the bar and you had on these pants, and they made your buns look really cute.
What colour were they? I could go put them on.
No, Fras Fras, you don't need to put those pants on.
My, my point here is that, for all the years I've known you, you have been married.
So, uh, I just, I never really took notice.
Well, I'm not married now.
No, you're not.
Yeah, he's still out cold, Normie.
Mm.
Think we ought to wake him? Well, we could.
You know, we could take him over to his house and, uh, get him undressed, put him in bed, let him sleep it off in peace and quiet.
Yeah, we could do that.
But we're not going to, are we? No, sir, my good friend, we are not.
What we are going to do, though, is, uh, get a pan of warm water, put his hand in it, and, uh, step back and watch the hilarity ensue.
Guys, am I the only one here who's concerned about Frasier? I think so.
You know, this could be a depressing night for him, you know? We're his friends, and here we are just playing stupid camp games with Woody.
Wait a minute.
The hand in the pan of warm water a stupid camp game? I don't even know who you are, Sam Malone.
I'm serious.
Remember the last time he got this upset? He ended up on a ledge.
Yeah, you're right about that.
All I'm saying is maybe he shouldn't be alone.
Yeah, yeah, maybe we ought to go over there with some chips and a pizza.
Thank you.
Yeah.
I'll get some videos or something, right? Well, yeah, it feels good to do something nice for somebody sometimes, yeah? Yeah.
This is Cheers, right? We, we stick with each other.
NORM: That's right.
We take care of our own.
Hey, guys, you'd better take an umbrella.
It's starting to mist.
Mist? Oh, man, that, uh, that really messes up my hair.
It's not gonna help the tickle in the back of my throat either.
And this, uh, sweater is sure to pill.
Well, now what are we gonna do? I'll get the pan.
You heat up the water.
Now, Rebecca, you're, you're sure you're okay with this? Because I wouldn't want to do anything to compromise our friendship, and I know you're in a very delicate state right now.
You ready to hit the sack? Right upstairs.
You get some champagne and I'll go upstairs and get ready.
Right.
Okay.
Take your time.
This is not a drill.
This is not a drill! (humming) (doorbell rings) Damn! Hey! There you are! (laughs) I didn't want you to be alone and depressed on a night like this.
So what I did was I brought over some Three Stooges tapes we can watch.
Whoo! Gloomy in here.
There you go! Listen, Sam, uh Yeah, I know, I know, I know.
My hair's all frizzy.
But what the heck? You're worth it, buddy.
Sam You know, I was thinking about not coming here.
Then I thought about how, you know, how you'd feel to see a friendly face around, so here I am.
(both chuckle) Sam, uh Yeah? I, I appreciate all this, but, you know, that you're here in my hour of need and all, and I just want to tell you I think I'm okay with it now.
I think I'm just gonna head upstairs and you know (yawns) put my head down, you know? I, I Hi, Fras.
Carla! Hey! Oh, Fras, sorry about your wife, blah, blah, blah.
Well, brought some pizza.
I'm just gonna dig right in.
Give me a piece, there, will you? Uh, Sam, this is such a wonderful gesture.
It shows a sensitivity that I (Sam and Carla laugh) Geez, doesn't that hurt Curly's nose? Well, of course it does.
That's what makes it funny.
(laughs) Nyuk-nyuk-nyuk-nyuk.
Woo-oo-oo-oo! Woo-oo-oo-oo! You got anything to wash this down with? Yeah.
How about some napkins? Um, sure.
I'll, I'll get some.
They're, they're upstairs.
That's where we keep them.
I'll be, I'll be back in, oh, (doorbell rings) Are you guys expecting anyone? Uh, yeah, Norm and Cliff.
Aha! Tell him what he's won, Bob! Whoa! Pizza! Beer.
Norm, Norm brought beer! Well.
No, no, no, I need a beer.
I'm a little thirsty.
Sure.
I'll, uh, I'll get you one.
It's, uh, it's upstairs.
You keep your beer upstairs? Uh, yeah, in the bedroom.
You, too? (doorbell rings) Paul! (chuckles) Are you, uh, alone or did you bring some friends, Paul? What's that supposed to mean? Well Nothing.
Come on in.
Thanks for cheering me up.
I didn't come here to cheer you up.
I, I came to say something.
Everybody, there's, there's something I've got to say.
Uh, Woody made some comments earlier, and at first I was angry, but then I got to thinking.
I took a long hard look at myself.
I'm 45 years old, my mother's dead, what am I waiting for? I, I guess what I'm trying to say is "World" Hey, Paul, this is Frasier's night.
Do you mind? You're right, Sammy.
I'm sorry.
Is there any pizza left? I don't think so, Paul.
Just, uh, make yourself at home, Paul.
Say, my God, is it still raining outside? You know, I'm, I'm gonna go upstairs and close those windows.
Okay? I'll probably be a little while.
Oh, no, no! Hold on! Whoa, no, you don't, buddy.
You're not gonna go up there and brood and be all alone by yourself.
No way.
No way.
We're here to make sure that you enjoy yourself.
Well, then let me go upstairs and close the windows! I beg of you! It's been a long time since I've closed the windows! They're wide open! Don't you be silly, you big lug.
Hey, look what we did here.
We made a little space for you on the sofa.
Yeah, you can be the meat in our best friend sandwich.
Hey, Fras, we got six hours of The Stooges for you, man.
Nyuk-nyuk-nyuk.
Oh, God, look at that, fellows.
You big lug, you got a tear in your eye.
FRASIER: Okay, guys SAM: Take care, buddy.
Thanks again.
Good night.
CLIFF: Nyuk-nyuk-nyuk.
Yes, yes, nyuk-nyuk-nyuk.
SAM: We'll watch these again some other time.
Okay, bye-bye.
(door shuts) (quick footsteps on stairs) Oh, Frasier, I'm sorry.
I must have fallen asleep.
What time is it? Well, it's pretty late.
Uh, I guess I'll go downstairs and, uh, sleep on the couch.
Maybe I should just go.
No, no, you don't have to go home.
You don't have to sleep on the couch.
Just a second.
(door opens, shuts) Frasier, what was that? What was what? I thought I heard a door slam.
You don't think those guys are back, do you? No, no impossible.
I locked and dead bolted it.
They'd need a key to get in.
Now where were we? Let's make this a night we'll never forget.
(door opens) Frasier? Lilith! Rebecca?! Lilith.
Am I the only one who feels awkward here?