Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - The Bar Manager, The Shrink, His Wife and Her Lover (2)

ANNOUNCER: Last week on Cheers: Oh, Frasier, I'm sorry.
I must have fallen asleep.
What time is it? Well, it's pretty late.
Uh, I guess I I'll go downstairs and, uh, sleep on the couch.
Maybe I should just go.
No, no, you don't have to go home.
You don't have to sleep on the couch.
Just a second.
(door opening and closing) Frasier, what was that? What was what? I thought I heard a door slam.
You don't think those guys are back, do you? No.
No, impossible.
I locked and dead-bolted it.
They'd need a key to get in.
Now, where were we? Let's make this a night we'll never forget.
Lilith? Rebecca?! Am I the only one who feels awkward here? Where is Frederick? I didn't see him in his room.
He's with your mother.
Then I'll just go and let you do whatever it was you were doing.
Lilith! Lilith! It was nice to see you again, Lilith.
(theme song begins) Sometimes you want to go Where everybody knows your name And they're always glad you came You wanna be where you can see Our troubles are all the same You wanna go where everybody knows your name.
All right, exactly how long has this been going on?! Lilith? What's the matter, Sam? You look like you've seen a ghost.
Oh, I'm sorry.
You did.
Lilith, I-I-I thought you were in that, uh I've left the Eco-pod.
For a job at a gas station? Look everybody, Lilith! Well, my goodness uh, the-the, you know, the time in the pod thing has really done you a world of You look so Your skin is, uh Hey, Lilith's back, huh? Sam, please! Tell me what's been going on! How long has Frasier been sleeping with Rebecca? Beg your pardon? Did he at least have the courtesy to wait until I was in the ground? Lil Lil Frasier's not sleeping with Rebecca! Oh, well, perhaps you should tell them that.
I just saw them in my bed together.
Rebecca and Frasier- you're kidding me.
How long has this been going on? I'm asking you! I can't believe We we were just over there! We, we were watching Three Stooges tapes with him.
NORM: Well, maybe she was upstairs the whole time and we didn't know about it.
Well, yeah, after we left, maybe he just toddled on upstairs and gave her the old nyuk-nyuk-nyuk.
Rebecca and Frasier Am I to understand this is a relatively new development? Big news to us.
CLIFF: Who would have thought it? Rebecca and Frasier, huh? What's next, me and Carla? (grunts) Don't say it, Clavin, don't you even think it.
See that? It almost turned into a kiss.
You know what? I think this is good for them.
They've been moping around the last couple of months, mooning about their love life and everything.
They found each other.
This is very nice, I think.
Well, hear-hear! To Rebecca and Frasier! (all agreeing) LILITH: Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! I'm still in the room! Oh, I'm-I'm sorry, Lilith.
I can't believe this has happened.
I come home to resume my life and find that my husband has taken up with another woman.
Well, why don't you why don't you take your coat off, sit down and just cool out for a while? Oh, I can't, Sam- I'm too wound up.
I've got half a mind to go back to that bedroom and wring Frasier's neck.
Frasier's? Aren't you being a little out of line here, Lilith? I mean, the guy's only being human.
You were the one who walked out of here with another man.
Oh, God, you're right.
It's just that I wanted to come back so badly and resume my life.
As naive and selfish as it sounds, I just assumed he would be waiting for me.
Listen, go get some sleep.
I'll bet you in the morning you and Frasier can work things out.
That's a good idea, Sam.
Where am I gonna sleep? I wanted to stay at home, and now I've got no place to go.
I've got an attic you can hang upside down in.
(taps bar) Sam, if you could lend me a little money for a hotel, I'd really appreciate it.
No problem, no problem.
Thank you.
You know, I'll be right back.
I'm going to call my mother and check up on Frederick.
You know, I have to say that after being cooped up underground for the last six months, it's very nice to see people again.
Even you people.
That was sweet.
Can you believe this stuff? Yeah, I'd like to see the look on Frasier's face when Lilith walked in.
I'm sure he was shocked.
I mean, what would you do, Norm, if you walked in and found Vera with another man? Well, I'd probably buy a couple of his pencils and send him on his way.
Frederick is fine.
I worry, though, sometimes that my mother may be too overprotective and smothering.
You got to watch that- that'll really screw a kid up.
Here's your money.
Thank you, Sam.
So, that, uh pod thing didn't work out, huh? Suffice it to say that Dr.
Pascal and I determined that two human beings cannot live together underground.
You and I could, Norm.
Would you stop saying that, Cliff? Lilith.
Here you are.
I've been looking all over for you.
What in the world are you doing here? I've come home, Frasier.
Oh, my God.
I've left the pod, and I spent the last three days on a bus to come home to you.
I don't understand.
Frasier, I realize that my leaving you was very hurtful, and I understand your seeking comfort in the arms of another woman.
We won't mention it.
We'll just put it behind us and-and get on with our lives.
What I'm trying to say, Frasier, is You want me back? Oh, yes, I want you back! You hear that, everybody? Frasier and Lilith are back together again! Aw, it makes me so happy! Here, free drinks on the house! All right! Just a minute, Sam- I haven't taken her back.
Oh, sorry, Mr.
Wait, wait, come on, now.
Now, you two kids belong together.
Come on.
The unmitigated gall! You think you can walk back into my life and patch it up again as quickly as you destroyed it?! Frasier, I'm sorry.
All right, she's sorry- beers for everybody! Come on.
Frasier, please.
More than anything, I want our life back.
What about your boyfriend, Dr.
Pascal? I don't love him.
I love you.
(chuckling): Oh, really? So you've come back to reliable old Frasier, have you? And for how long? Till somebody opens a colony on Venus?! Frasier, don't be ridiculous.
If we go to Venus, I think we should do it as a family.
(panting): Lilith, I have to talk to you in private.
(others hooting) Okay, it doesn't have to be in private.
Lilith, listen, please let me explain.
Rebecca, you don't have to explain anything to her.
You and I can pick up right where we left off.
Really? Absolutely! Come on over here and give me a big wet one.
Frasier, let me just speak to you in my office, please.
Oh, okay, even better.
Heh! Sam, hold my calls, will you? Sofa pulls out, you know.
Sorry things aren't working out.
Is there anything I can do for you? It isn't over, yet, Sam.
I know my Frasier.
He doesn't take well to sudden developments, but he'll come around.
I'm as determined to get him back as I was to leave him.
Well, that's that's good, that's good.
Frasier, um listen, I know that Lilith coming back changes everything, and so I'm just gonna step out of the picture and and there's no hard feelings.
That bitch! Thinks she can waltz back into my life and start calling the shots? I know that what we almost had was very special, but we have a very special friendship, too, so I think that we should just leave it at that.
Eco-pod my big white butt! I was that close to popping her, you know that? If she weren't the mother of my child, I'd have done it! I-I think we should just focus here, because, y-you know, Frasier, I'm trying to be very gentle, because I want to let you down easy.
I don't want to break your heart.
"I spent three days on a bus," wah, wah, wah.
Well, cry me a river, bun-head! For God's sake, Frasier, will you listen to me! I'm trying to tell you something! Oh.
I'm sorry, Rebecca.
I've been rude; I apologize.
It's just, I can't believe that she's come back.
Frasier you know, what we almost did, I think it would have been real special, but I think maybe it's better that we just remain good friends.
I suppose you're right.
Well, what might have been, huh? For what it's worth, I'm sorry things didn't work out.
(knocking) Hi.
Can I talk to Rebecca alone, please? Bar business.
Sure, Sam.
Oh, God, Sam, why do I always screw everything up?! All I was doing was giving a friend a ride home.
And then you know how things happen.
You know, a kiss leads to a hug and a hug leads to the bed, and then the wife comes in and wants to know what you're doing there.
Why do I always make such a mess of things?! So who was better, me or Frasier? Oh! What? I-I don't have feelings, too?! Frasier, I know that I've hurt you, and I realize now that the only way to get you back is to beg.
So here I go.
I'm sorry, Lilith.
Begging won't work.
I'm not gonna hang around and be the safety net every time you fall from one of your flights of fancy.
That boat has sailed.
That gate has closed.
Alice doesn't live here anymore.
Damn you, Frasier! I know that somewhere inside of you, you still have deep feelings for me, and I'm willing to wait.
If I have to wait a hundred years, I'm going to get you back! You hear that, guys? Come on, free beer, let's go.
Aw, Lilith.
Louis! Pascal! What are you doing here? Try to stop me, Crane.
I've come to take Lilith back to our home under the dirt, where we're safe.
Louis, I'm not going back there.
How can you abandon the oneness of our subterranean life for this world of surfies? Surface dwellers.
Because this is where I want to be.
Our experiment failed, Louis, and so did our love affair.
I'm not leaving without you, Lilith.
I demand that you accompany me this instant.
And if I don't? Then I'll be forced to shoot you a-a-and everyone else in this bar.
What's it gonna be? Louis, I'm not going back with you.
So I guess you're just going to have to shoot us.
Welcome back, Lilith.
I'm warning you, unless Lilith agrees to go back with me, you're all dead.
You don't scare me, Pascal.
Yeah? Why not? Because I happen to own every copy of Soldier of Fortune ever published.
I'm telling you people, no "ifs" "ands" or "buts", that there's no working pistol with that configuration.
(gunshot) (shrieks) I did miss the Christmas issue.
All right, get back, get back! Don't push me.
The importance of the Eco-pod is far greater than any one human life.
Sam John, John, it's not a good time.
Sam, I've put up with your rock and roll music, your loud parties and your fights.
But now you've shot Ruben the busboy in the foot.
He's an undocumented alien without health insurance, and that puts me in a bit of a jam.
Oh A bigger jam.
Everybody but Lilith behind the bar! (phone rings) All right, answer the phone, but act natural.
Just a second.
Peterson, it's Mrs.
See, it's my wife.
Um, I'll get rid of her.
(quietly): Woody, cover me.
Uh, Vera? Uh, yes, yes, I know it's late.
You see, we're being held hostage by a mad gunman, and What do you mean I've used that one before? No-no-no, you see, no-no, honey, wait, wait, hey, hey! (receiver clicks) Put the gun down, Louis.
Why are you being so foolish? Because I can't live without you! I miss you.
And Dr.
Jaworski misses you, too.
Jaworski?! What? There were three scientists in the Eco-pod? Did you sleep with him, too?! Dr.
Jaworski isn't a scientist.
He's Loui' imaginary friend.
Did I forget to mention that Louis is insane? Turns out he's claustrophobic.
We discovered that little fact about 30 seconds after they closed the steel doors.
(knocking) PAUL: Hey, guys, I know you're having a party in there.
Let me in.
Who's that at the hatch? That's nobody, nobody important.
We'll see about that.
So what's the big secret? What's going on? Paul, we're being held hostage! Fine, then don't tell me.
Get with the others.
Actually, I don't belong with the others.
I, I never quite fit in.
Ask anyone.
No, he doesn't.
PASCAL: Shut up! Shut up! Get behind the bar! Go on.
All right, Lilith, if you want to play the waiting game, I'm prepared to play along.
I give you just ten minutes to make up your mind.
If you won't leave with me then, I start shooting.
And this is the man you wanted to marry?! Who says I wanted to marry him? Two days ago, I got a Mail-gram saying you wanted a divorce.
Correction, I sent that Mail-gram.
I thought that with you out of the way, Lilith and I would be free to spend the rest of our lives together.
But then Lilith escaped.
By the way, it was very clever of you putting that papier-mâché bust of yourself in your cot.
I must admit, I kissed it more than once before I got wise.
You have nine minutes left.
(whispers): Hey, I got a plan.
Come here.
Lilith, Lilith, here's the plan.
Okay, you go back to the Eco-pod with Pascal.
And then what? And then the plan's done.
Don't panic.
I know Louis.
He's a little upset right now, but he's essentially harmless.
He won't do anything that would cause anyone any harm.
The hell I won't! I'll shoot everyone in this bar if I have to to get you back! CLIFF: Listen, okay, okay.
All right, all right, I got it.
How about I sob uncontrollably and-and lose control of my bodily functions? Cliff, is that a plan? No, actually, it's more of a warning.
No, no, no, I, I've got one.
Come here.
I'll go up there and I'll come on to him.
I'll flirt with him, and I'll distract him.
Any other thoughts? Anyone? You're a psychiatrist.
Talk to the man.
You must be trained in some kind of technique.
I was afraid somebody would bring that up.
All right, all right.
I do recall taking some sort of an oath once.
Good luck.
Good luck.
Keep your distance, Crane! Okay.
I, I just want to talk to you, Louis.
Do you mind if I call you "Louis"? Listen, Louis, I, I've been there.
I've felt the hurt.
I've felt the abandonment.
I've felt what it's like when a woman tears your entire life apart.
Believe me, I've been there, my friend.
Even just looking at Lilith now brings back all the pain and the torment I've suffered every second for the last six months.
Please, put the gun down, Louis.
See, I got through it.
So will you.
Just put the gun down.
Nice speech, Crane, but get out of my way or I swear to God you're gonna be the first one to go! Oh, I can't stand this anymore.
Look, Louis, if you're going to shoot someone, shoot me.
I won't go back with you, and you don't want me back.
I'd only make you more miserable.
I can't shoot you, Lilith.
Well, you're going to have to do it, Louis.
That's the only way to end this.
Give me the gun, Louis.
(sobbing) I'm sorry, Lilith! Well, Sam, thanks for another delightful evening at Cheers.
We must do it again sometime.
I'm, uh, sorry about this, John.
Next time you come on down, drinks are on the house.
Oh, then it's all worthwhile.
Boy, look at that poor mule-yak, huh? I really pity him.
It really makes you think, though, doesn't it? Where is that fine line between sanity and insanity? Look behind you, Clavin.
You stepped over it about a year ago.
Are you all right, Lilith? Yes, I think so.
Frasier do we have any chance for reconciliation? I'm sorry, Lilith, but no.
I just can't go through this again.
I understand.
And I'll respect your wishes.
Frasier, you know, I hadn't realized just how deeply I'd wounded you until I heard what you said to Louis.
All I can say is please don't hate me forever.
I'll check into a hotel.
Maybe we can meet tomorrow and sort out the (clears throat) divorce proceedings.
I think that would be best.
(high-pitched sobs) What's that sound? (sobs continue) Sounds like she's got a pretzel stuck in her throat.
As hard as it may be to believe, that is the sound of my wife sobbing.
(sobbing continues) Hey, say something, will you? Just make her stop.
I'll handle this.
Now, Lilith, I'm just gonna say this once, so hear me.
(sobbing continues) No matter how much you sob, no matter how much you plead, we are not going to Venus.
Oh, Frasier! Welcome home, Lilith.
Oh! Boy, that's beautiful.
Start pouring, Wood.