Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - Bar Wars VII: The Naked Prey

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Oh, Sammy, look who's here.
Harry the Hat.
Aw, man, how many times am I gonna have to chase that guy out of here? Grab your wallets, everybody.
Hello, Harry.
Hey, Sam.
What you doing, trying to sell some bogus watches, some knock off's to my customers and try to cheat 'em? Sam, that hurts.
This is no knock off.
That's a $5,000 Rolex.
But it's on sale for $2,500.
Is this a real Rolex, Harry? Yeah.
Sounds like a Rolex, doesn't it? Oh, look at that- still ticking, too.
Uh, Sam Hey, do me a favour.
Just, just take your bogus goods and peddle them someplace else, will ya? So Harry, are you interested in buying the watch? No, but I think my friend Sam might be.
(theme song begins) Making your way in the world today Takes everything you've got Taking a break from all your worries Sure would help a lot Wouldn't you like to get away? Sometimes you want to go Where everybody knows your name And they're always glad you came You wanna be where you can see Our troubles are all the same You wanna be where everybody knows your name You wanna go where people know People are all the same You wanna go where everybody knows your name.
All right.
All right.
But now, the band I'm looking for is gonna have to be able to do all the old Irish standards.
"Danny Boy," "Galway Bay," "When Irish Eyes Are Smiling," that kind of thing.
You think you can handle that? All right then.
Okay, I'll get back to you.
Yeah, adios to you too, Manuel.
Oh, well, I see you're getting an early jump on Saint Patrick's Day.
That's right.
You know, this time tomorrow when Gary's still decorating Olde Towne Tavern, this place's gonna be open, people are gonna be flooding in.
That's a good idea, Sam.
You're damned right.
Hey, finally, for the first time, St.
Patrick's Day, Cheers is gonna do more business than Gary's Olde Towne Tavern.
Yes! Yes! I wouldn't be too sure about that.
He's beaten you ten years running.
I know but I've got a feeling.
You know, lucky 11? We can't lose this time, Dr.
We're pulling out all the stops.
We've got, a two for one special, we've got balloons, we've got a live Irish band, we've got Mr.
Peterson mixing up some green beer.
Oh, hey, how's that beer coming, Norm? You want it fast or you want it good? Come on, you've been working on it for three hours.
And I'm prepared to work on it all night long, Sam, because damn it, I care.
Normie, watch this.
(knocking) Hey, Carla.
You-you through in there? CARLA: Hold your horses.
I'm coming.
Shut up, everybody.
Hey, look, everybody.
It's our little leprechaun, Brill O'Head.
Keep talking, Clavin, you'll lose your left Blarney Stone.
This outfit is ridiculous.
I mean, I want to beat Gary as much as the next guy, but I'm not wearing this, okay? I think it kind of looks nice.
Yeah, I think it looks kind of sexy.
That's it.
Please, please.
Hey, everybody, I've got great news.
I applied to the Boston League of Businesswomen, and they might let me join.
Oh, who are they? Oh, it's this very prestigious organization that helps raise the stature of women in society and that kind of crap.
Sam, I need a couple hours off tomorrow because they want to interview me.
Honey, it's the busiest day of my year.
What difference does it make? She doesn't do anything anyway.
You know what? Why don't you take the whole day off? You're a peach.
Hi, everybody.
(booing) What the hell do you want here, Gary? Well, you know, in the spirit of Saint Patrick's Day, I thought I'd come over here and give you guys a chance to call off our little bet and, uh, save yourselves the supreme humiliation.
I'll tell you what, Gary, we're gonna win this lousy bet this year.
Not only that, we're gonna make ten times more money than you.
And you know why? Because we've got a strategy.
Well, you know, if you're so sure of yourself, Malone, maybe you'd like to raise the stakes a little bit and make it more interesting than the usual 100 bucks? What you got in mind? Oh, just a little something that the loser has to do.
What are you doing? Oh, I don't know, Gary, uh Well, okay well, if you're going to be chicken about it.
Oh, I'm not being chicken, because we're gonna win anyway.
So, we've got a deal? Uh, all right.
All right.
Yeah, yeah.
But wait a minute, what is the, uh, what are the ground rules? Malone, there's only one rule, no rules.
Just the way I like it.
May the best man win.
Sam, may I have a word with you? Yeah.
I strongly urge you to reconsider.
Listen, why do you think Gary's so willing to up the stakes? I mean, it stands to reason that he thinks he's going to win.
No, no, he's bluffing.
What makes you think that? Well he-he's beaten us ten times in a row.
And not one of those times has he raised the stakes.
He's running scared.
Well, don't I feel stupid.
All those degrees really don't do much, do they, Doctor? Sammy, what's up? I thought you wanted to get an early jump on Gary.
Yeah, I did.
That's why I'm here at 9:00.
Some of us were here at 9:00.
Hey, relax, will you.
It's in the bag.
I fixed it so Gary can't ever win.
Yeah? Yeah? What'd you do? Yeah, you're gonna love this.
You know that-that sign he's got outside his window there, "50 cent beer, Saint Patrick's Day Special?" CARLA: Yeah.
Yeah, well I added a zero.
I mean who's going to pay $5 for a beer, huh? Good one, Sam.
Sometimes I scare myself.
It's 9:02, Sam.
Let's go.
All right.
$5 beer.
(laughing) Yeah, let's see him top that.
(gasps) See now, that, that's not right.
Gary did it to us again.
Walled off from the keg.
I want him dead, Sam.
His family, dead.
His friends, dead! SAM: Oh, now see, this, this is, this is the lowest thing a person can do.
This is pure evil.
Why can't we think like that? Tell me about it.
I thought you left Woody here to guard against things like this.
WOODY (voice echoing): Sorry, Sam.
I fell asleep.
They walled Woody in the bar.
Woody, you all right in there? Well, I'm feeling light-headed and woozy, Sam.
That's the way I want to feel.
Somebody tear this thing down! New Armani, new hair.
Am I ready for the Boston League of Businesswomen or what? I just have to get my resume and then I'm on my way.
Is this in any way my fault? No, sweetheart.
Okay then wish me luck.
Crisis solved.
Where'd you get the beer? I've got a few squirrelled away around the bar for emergencies.
I always kind of figured it would be a nuclear thing, but I think this qualifies.
Where would you like us to set up, Mr.
Malone? Oh, hi.
Uh uh, yeah, why not? I'll tell you what, right over there.
Thank you very much Hey, come on, Norm, Carla, listen we can still win this thing, right? We, we've got the green beer, we've got the band.
All we've got to do is get rid of this wall somehow and hustle like there's no tomorrow.
All we need is, uh, well, a little winning attitude, right? There you go.
A little positivity.
Hey, fellas, do me a favour, play us a little something to get us in the mood.
They broke into our Dublin home The dirty English dogs They took away my sister And they beat my da with logs Limey scum, limey scum I toss a bomb and still they come Everybody.
Limey scum, limey scum And everywhere I looked Was death, death, death Everywhere I looked Was death, death, death.
(one person applauds) And now, for a sad song.
(mournful melody) 'Twas a baby's crib that floated No! No! No! No! No baby's crib! Stop it.
Here, get the hell out of here, will you? Take your money.
Go on, get out.
Go to hell.
Let's face it; It's over, huh? Might as well tally up and see what we've got there.
Yeah, Woody, what's the total? Well (adding machine keys clicking) $1 million, five hundred thousand.
Decimal point, Woody.
Hold everything.
$150 even.
Hey guys, bad news.
I just came from Gary's.
He's raking in the money, hand over fist.
And then again why shouldn't he? I mean, he's charging five bucks a beer.
Looks like we lost again.
Well, Sammy, guess you're gonna have to fork over that 150 to Gary.
Uh, actually, we raised the stakes, remember fellas? Oh, yeah, how much do you have to pay? Well, it's, it's not money.
It's uh, it's more like a, a little favour, actually.
Oh yeah? What is it? It's, it's something that people do everyday.
Uh, uh, I'm going to, uh, need, uh, you three guys to help me out here.
Hey, just once I'd like to be included, huh? All right, Paul, you're in.
Thank you.
Thanks, I owe you Sammy.
Well, what do we have to do? Uh, it's no big thing, really, Norm.
We've just got to go over to Gary's and (mumbles) What? Uh, it's no big deal.
Fellas, all we've got to do is, is let him (mumbles).
What? Just get your coats and follow me.
I'll tell you on the way over.
Hey, Sam, what's the big deal.
Why don't you just tell us what we have to do? All right, you got to (all screaming) SAM: Well, what do you think? NORM: Well, let's get it over with.
Yeah, yeah, all right, Gary.
Go on.
Go on.
Go on.
Okay, I want to see some big smiles.
Ladies and gentlemen, Gary's Olde Towne Tavern has the privilege of presenting an act so humiliating, so embarrassing, so degrading that it could only happen to the men of Cheers! Let's hear it for them! (whistles, applause) Gentlemen? (cheers and whistling) Whoo! Whoo! And three, and four, and Getting to know you Getting to know all about you Getting to like you, hoping that you like me Haven't you noticed? Suddenly I'm bright and breezy Because of all the beautiful and new things I'm learning about you Day by day.
(cheering) It was the low point in my life.
Never ever have I been naked and not had fun.
I tell you it was degradation.
I thought we were a lot tighter the second show.
How am I ever gonna show my face in here again? Paul, it's not your face that's burned into my memory.
You know, I kind of found the whole thing, uh, quite exhilarating.
Exhilarating? I meant humiliating.
It was really humiliating.
Uh, guys, you've been really good to me, so I'm gonna be good to you.
You need a finish.
Yeah, that's real funny.
That's real funny stuff.
I'll tell you something, man.
I'm gonna get you- I don't care how long it takes, how much money it costs, how many lives are lost, I'm gonna get you, Gary, once and for all.
Oh, I hope not because I'm still shaking from that terrifying five-dollar-beer prank.
Yeah, well, I'm still gonna get you.
Sammy, let's just give it up.
No! Never! I tell you I'm gonna get that guy.
I don't give a Oh, you know Oh, yes, yes-yes-yes.
There's one guy who can help us out here, fellows.
I'm calling in Harry the Hat.
(all exclaim) You know, my underwear's a little tight.
It's funny, mine's a little loose.
(both scream) HARRY: Let me get this straight.
Over the years, Gary has put sheep in your office, had exterminators shut you down, and then yesterday he built a brick wall around the bar and had you perform naked? Listen, we need your help bad.
I'm sorry, Sam, I'm not interested.
Oh, all right, fine.
Fine, Harr.
What is your price? No, I don't want your money, Sam.
Besides, if I did, I could take it.
I kind of like you guys.
So let me give you a piece of advice: stop trying to top Gary.
You're never gonna beat him.
Face it.
You're a bunch of losers.
It's nothing to be ashamed of.
It's your nature you know? It's the way God made you.
You're part of his master plan.
If it weren't for you guys, how would we know who the winners were? No, we're not losers.
All right, fine, have it your way.
Woody, give me a beer, huh? Sure.
CLIFF: Yeah, but don't forget to charge him, Woody.
Get some money out of him.
Yeah, all right, all right.
What do I owe you, Woody? Well, that'll be two dollars.
Hey, you know, I got a lot of change here.
Will you take all this and give me a 20? Well, you know, be careful of that Woody.
I think he's pulling his flimflam short change thing here.
Really? Yeah, yeah.
Count the money.
Oh oh, this isn't right.
Yeah, see? You gave me too much.
Huh? That's your tip, Woody.
Oh, no, I'm not falling for that.
I'll just keep the two dollars for the beer.
See, Harry? We're not as stupid as you think we are.
No, I guess you're not.
Here's your wallet, Cliff.
Wow, he's good.
Very good.
Aw, who are we kidding, you guys? We might as well just quit.
Hey, wait, wait a minute.
What are you saying? You mean after Gary's done to us, you're just gonna roll over and die? You're gonna walk away? You're gonna be a quitter, Sam? Yeah, Carla, that's exactly what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna quit! I'm tired of losing to the guy.
Tomorrow I'm gonna go over there.
I'm gonna make my peace with him once and for all.
Well, go.
But I'm not lettin' him off the hook.
This is personal now.
And I don't know what, I don't know, but I swear I am gonna do something to that guy.
Look, Carla, we're willing to give in.
You should, too.
It's not like you had to dance naked over there.
No, but I had to look at it on videotape.
Gary's selling videotapes? No, He's giving them away with every five-dollar beer.
Can you believe it? The League rejected me.
Why? Because they said I was too self-involved and that I wasn't community-minded enough.
So now I have to spend the next six months doing community service.
Woody, get me a charity on the phone.
Which one? How the hell do I know?! Just make sure it's close by.
And I don't want one that's real depressing.
And no weekends! (knocking) (engine starts) Oh! Oh! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, Carla! (hushed): Carla! I just came back from Gary's! Wha, what were you thinking?! Are you crazy?! I really got him good, didn't I, Sam? Got him good? Honey, we're in serious trouble here! What are you talking about? Malone! You went way too far this time.
You're gonna go to jail for this! I swear to God, Gare, we had nothing to do with this.
Wha-what are you talking about? Just yesterday, you swore in front of witnesses that, that you were gonna ruin me.
You said you'd do anything! That's true, Sam.
I was there.
What the hell were you thinking, Malone? Did you think you were gonna get away with this?! Well, forget about it.
I'm gonna call the cops.
The cops?! Wait a minute! Putting a rat in a heating system isn't even a misdemeanour! Carla, sweetheart, please, you're just making things worse.
My, my bar is ruined! Please, man, don't bring the cops into this.
Listen, I-I'm begging you.
I'm on my knees here.
No, you're not.
Oh Please Oh, and this is supposed to be enough? Help me out here, will ya? Come on.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Sam! Ha-ha, I gotcha! That's news.
What's, what's going on here? You fell for it.
It was a trick.
What is a trick? I saw your bar being bulldozed! Somebody bulldozed your bar? I bulldozed my bar.
You see, I sold my property to a commercial developer, and he's going to put a shopping centre on my old spot.
I'm getting a million bucks for it.
But the best part is, you guys have humiliated yourselves at the feet of the master one last time.
Yeah, well, the joke's on you.
We happen to need a shopping centre in this area.
Sam, I hope you don't mind, but since I don't have a bar anymore, I invited the developer over here to, you know, help me celebrate.
Sam, I'd like you to meet your new neighbour, Rutherford Cunningham.
Real nice place you have here.
Nice to meet you.
Sam, is it? Yeah.
A bottle of your finest champagne.
(phone rings) WOODY: Cheers.
Oh, Gary, uh, phone for you, the bank.
Oh, yeah.
Sam, do you mind if I take that in your office? It's big business, that sort of thing.
Bank's not used to million-dollar deposits.
So, Sam! It's good to see you again.
Now what's that I heard about the finest champagne? Did you do this? Did you, did you destroy his bar? No, I didn't.
Gary did.
He's the one hired the bulldozer.
Me? I'm just an interested land developer who's gonna come up a little short on funds say about a million bucks short.
I have the same problem with a decimal point.
(Gary screams) Excuse me.
I believe that's the sound of my check bouncing.
Cunningham? Uh, where's, uh, Mr.
Cunningham? Uh, he left.
Uh, why, Gary? Uh, no reason.
Oh, man! Oh, you are terrific! If you guys ever need any more help, you just give me a call.
Oh, thank you, Harry.
Ah, don't mention it.
I guess I've always had a soft spot for you lunkheads.
Hey, how are we ever gonna pay you back? Sam, you already have.
Aw, what a guy, huh? Wonder what he meant by, we already have paid him back, though? Oh, I don't know.
You know, probably that warm spirit, the camaraderie, something like that.
Yeah, yeah, he stole all my money.