Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - It's Lonely on the Top

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Well, here are the proud parents-to-be.
Yes, and we've been shopping.
Yeah, look what we found.
Pretty neat, huh? Oh that's perfect.
It'll do wonders for his motor skills and his mental acuity.
Oh, yeah.
Check this out, we got one for the baby, too.
Our next city councilman, ladies and gentlemen! Boy, it's gonna be tough finding a replacement for you, Woody.
Well, why would you want to replace me, Sam? Well, you can't tend bar here and be a councilman at the same time.
That's a full-time job.
It is, Sam? Yeah.
And working here at Cheers is a full-time job, too.
It is, Sam? Yes.
Well, can't I tend bar at least sometimes? I mean, what all does a city councilman have to do anyway? Well, Woody, our present councilman, Kevin Fogerty, rises at the crack of dawn, Then he showers, shaves, goes downstairs for a leisurely breakfast with his wife Estelle.
Then he takes his son Joseph, eight, and Hillary, 11, to the Fenwick Elementary School.
At least that was his routine before, the court order deprived me of my right to know.
Big Brother, my friends, Big Brother! Years from now, they're gonna ask me why I didn't see the signs.
(theme song begins) Sometimes you want to go Where everybody knows your name And they're always glad you came You wanna be where you can see Our troubles are all the same You wanna go where everybody knows your name.
I guess I'd better call the newspaper and put an ad in there looking for an assistant bartender, huh? All right, all right, Sammy.
Let me fill out an application.
Sammy What? What about me? I'd be a great bartender.
Oh, come on, are you kidding me? With those powerhouse drinks you make? Aw, come on! Sweetheart, the last time I let you tend bar there were 12 people who made a naked conga line all the way out to the commons there.
And Phil over there tried to join the Flying Wallendas.
I tell you, I sobered up real fast on that high wire.
All right, so I made the drinks a little strong that night.
It's not gonna happen again.
Come on, Sammy, I could really use the money.
You won't be sorry.
Yeah, all right, go ahead, I'll give you a shot.
Yes! Now hold it a second! I'm the one who's supposed to make the decisions around here.
I am the manager.
Now, to whom should I give this job of bartender? How would you like me to rip out your still-beating heart and show it to you before you hit the ground? I've got it! How about Carla? You know something, with Carla being our new bartender, we're gonna need a waitress.
Why don't you get on the phone and call the agency and hire one? Think you can manage that? Yes, I think I can manage that! But could you dial? I just had my nails done.
(groans) And could you talk? I get uncomfortable talking to strangers.
Well, Carla, congratulations on your new job.
(all agreeing) Here's to Carla, our new bartender! Hear, hear, hear.
Yeah, Carla, why don't you fire up a pitcher of those lethal cocktails that you make? Just don't tell Sammy, okay? I'm gonna make you one pitcher of a little drink my grandfather taught me.
It's called, "I Know My Redeemer Liveth.
" Is it strong? "Is it strong?" One drink and you won't recognize your best friend.
Make mine a double.
Sam, this place is just a mess.
Yeah, I know.
Carla made one of her specialty drinks last night.
Things got out of hand.
(softly): Morning everybody.
ALL: Norm! How are you feeling, Norm? Terrible.
A splitting headache.
And I think I might be sick.
Can I have a beer, Sammy? Hey there, Frasier.
I'm sorry, Sam.
Your friend Frasier is dead.
What you are looking at is his undead corpse.
Here you go, pal.
All right, let's review.
Last night I got, knee-walking drunk, and now I am back in this bar, a mere seven-and-a-half hours later, hung over.
Well, it's official.
I have a problem.
(phone ringing) Cheers.
Hey, is that you, Cliffie? Cliff? He, uh, just woke up.
He doesn't know where he is.
Cliffie, calm down, man.
Just, just, just look around and describe what you see.
Cliff, you're in the office, pal.
My pleasure.
Uh, coffee, please there, Sammy.
I told you to watch out for her drinks.
How many did you have? Oh, I don't even remember, Sam.
Don't remember much of anything after the wooden lady laughed at me and called me a half man.
Well, look at you guys.
I wonder how Woody's doing.
He was really knocking 'em back, huh? Oh, nobody could drink that much and end up feeling human, Sam.
Hey, everybody.
Sorry I'm late.
I was doing my Nordic Track.
Woody, you had as much of that vile brew as the rest of us.
How can you be so chipper this morning? Oh, it's because of the old Hanover hangover cure.
It's very simple.
First, put on your pyjamas.
Then, take an aspirin with a glass of cold water.
And then, you vomit till your nose bleeds and heave until you see the angels.
Wake up in the morning, you feel brand-new.
Boy, I am hungry.
Anybody for some chilli dogs? Okay, okay, but only two.
Sammy, office.
Quick! What was that? That was either Carla or the grim reaper.
Dear Lord, let it be the reaper.
Come on, talk to me, will you? Oh, I, I can't even say it.
It's just the worst thing that's ever happened to me in my life.
You're scaring me, sweetheart.
Tell me what's going on.
Last night, you know, I, I had a few of those drinks I made and I got loaded.
I warned you about that, didn't I?! I know.
I know.
But, anyways, I kind of lost track of myself and, I think I went home with a guy.
Yeah? It was a Cheers guy.
Oh, Sammy, Sammy, please! Please, tell me it was you! I'm sorry, sweetheart, it wasn't me.
Oh, God! Oh, God, the options that leaves are so horrible! All right, all right, all right- wait a minute.
Now what, what do you remember? Well, I don't remember much.
Just slow dancing to Nat King Cole and doing it till the sheets burned.
And what else? Gotta think.
Gotta think.
Who was there? All right let's see, there was Frasier.
Frasier, I could live with that.
Who else? Norm? Oh, it couldn't have been him.
Even drunk, I think I'd remember that.
Woody? Nah.
Well, I guess there's nobody else.
Well, what about Cli There's nobody else, Sam! Come on, sweetheart.
It's gonna eat you up inside.
Why don't you go talk to each guy alone, very subtly, and just ask them what they remember about last night? Chances are, whoever it was, he'll be just as embarrassed by the whole situation as you are.
You really think so? Yes, absolutely.
That's worth a try.
Hey, Sammy.
Mm-hmm? You don't think any less of me, do you? Well, let's see who it is first.
Hey, Fras.
Pretty wild last night, huh? (chuckles) If you can call Lilith rescuing me from accidental drowning in my toilet pretty wild, well then, yes, life is a cabaret.
Hey, Norm.
Do you believe all that stuff that happened last night? I don't remember a single thing that happened last night.
I do have a bad feeling, though.
Vera made me breakfast in bed this morning, and kept calling me "Mister Two Times.
" Maybe it's best I don't remember.
Remember anything about what happened last night? Well, whatever it was I missed it.
Spent most of last night listening to Phil tell stories about how he worked on the Manhattan Project.
Try sleeping with that for 50 years.
Well, that's everybody.
Yeah, what about? That's everybody, Sam! Come on, get out there.
You've got to ask him.
You'll go crazy if you don't know.
Hey, uh, Cliff (clearing throat) so, how was your evening last night? You ought to know, Carla.
It was F-U-N, fun.
(sighs) How-how was it F-U-N, fun, Cliff? Well, Carla, I spent most of the night in the backseat of a cab with yon Norm Peterson.
Now if that isn't a recipe for fun I don't know what is.
You bet.
I don't get it.
I just don't get it! That's everybody, right? Geez, I Unless, unless I met someone.
That's it.
Right walked into the bar, swept me off my feet, and we made mad, passionate love all night long.
He's probably coming back for me tonight.
You could be right.
I'll bet that's what it is.
It's gotta be, because everybody here checks out, thank God.
I know I didn't miss anybody.
Hey, sexy.
Mona Lisa, Mona Lisa, men have named you (screaming) (Carla screaming) (screaming) Well, guys, guess who scaled Mount Paulie last night.
Uh, Paul, Paul, can I talk to you in the office for a second, pal? Oh, sure, Sammy, I get it.
Uh, afraid of the new gunslinger in town, huh? Yeah, that's, that's right, Paul.
What's the idea, Sammy? I've got major dish for the guys.
Yeah, I know.
Paul, listen, I-I, heard about what happened between you and- you and Carla last night.
She's already been bragging about it, huh? No.
Not exactly, Paul.
You know, it was wild, Sammy.
All that screaming and scratching.
You should see the nail marks that are all up and down her back.
(chuckles) Oh, my.
Yeah, uh, listen I know what you want to do is run out there and tell the guys, but I've got to remind you here, Paul, a gentleman does not kiss and tell.
It's just not cool.
But you do it, Sam.
But I'm Sam Malone, and by definition, everything I do is cool.
You've got a point there, but Sammy the whole thing is Yeah, no-no, Paul, you don't understand.
Please, I've got to ask you- keep this to yourself.
Sam, you just don't get it.
This kind of thing has never happened to me before.
And now, with the one time it does happen, I can't even crow about it just a little? Yeah, I know.
I know how you feel.
All right, I tell you what.
Why don't you crow in here with me and get it out of your system.
Well, okay.
It won't be quite the same, but Yes! High five, Sammy! The Paul Monster! (hissing) Give me a P! Give me an A! Give me a U! Give me an L! P-A-U-L! Paul! Paul! Paul! Paul! Paul! Paul! Paul! Ah.
You through? Think so, yeah.
Okay, we got a deal? You're not gonna tell the guys? I won't tell 'em.
But listen, I, I don't know how you're gonna keep Carla from talking.
Well, I'll have this little conversation with her, too, okay? Better be good.
Hey, listen, while you're at it, could you just tell her gently that, uh this was just a one-night thing.
Paulie don't need no clinging vines.
I'll, I'll let her down gently, Paul.
Hey, uh, Paul.
Paul, what was that you were talking about, getting lucky last night, huh? Uh, no, I guess I was making that up.
Oh, poor guy.
Sometimes I feel sorry for old Paulie.
Hey, maybe we should have invited him to come along with us last night.
Boy, did we have ourselves some fun or what.
What all did we do, anyway? Oh, the best way to reconstruct a night like that, Normie, is to, uh, go through our pockets.
Oh, yeah, here we go.
All right, uh, here's a receipt for the pizza place.
I sort of remember that one.
Yeah, $24.
95, the bowling alley.
the tattoo parlour.
And, uh, 12 bucks for the cab and the doughnut shop.
Say, Cliff what, uh, what was that one between the bowling alley and the taxicab? Uh, Fred's Tattoo Parlor.
Yeah, funny that should be in there, huh? Yeah.
I'll tell you what's on your butt if you tell me what's on mine.
Let's get it over with.
Those guys spend way too much time together.
Okay, Cliff do you want to tell me what's tattooed forever on my butt? It's uh, a big American flag there, Norm, with the motto "God Bless the U.
Post Office.
" What, uh, what's on mine? A big heart with the words, "I love Vera.
" Guess they mixed them up, huh? I assume so.
Beautiful workmanship.
Yeah, you want me to come over and show Vera? Thanks, but no.
In that case, would you mind coming down to the post office and show my supervisor? No, no, I don't think so, Cliff.
Oh, come on, sweetheart.
It's not that big a deal.
So you slept with Paul.
I mean, you, you, you've gone to bed with a lot of guys before.
Not really, Sam.
I mean, I talk a lot, you know, but when it comes right down to it, I'm more talk than action.
But even when I did fool around, I, I always knew their names.
I was always in control, you know.
Last night was the first time I ever lost control.
I stepped over the line.
I am now officially a slut.
Oh, come on, don't say that.
I told you, I-I talked with Paul.
No one's ever gonna know.
Yeah, but I know, Sam.
This is a secret that I'm gonna have to live with for the rest of my life! Well, come on, sweetheart.
I mean, we all have to live with secrets.
Yeah, but not this bad.
What, uh, what if I told you that I have a secret a lot worse than this.
How could you have a problem worse? You're perfect.
You don't even know what the rest of the world is like.
Honey, I, I'm not perfect.
Oh, yeah, right.
All right, you really want to know? Watch this.
(gasps) Holy Mother of God! Oh, Sammy! You wear a rug! It's not a rug! It's not a rug! It's a hair replacement system.
Oh, Sammy! Look at you, you're bald! All this time, the great Sam Malone's hair is nothing but a fraud! Hey, at least I didn't sleep with Paul! Paul, Schmall- that's nothing! Yeah, nothing.
It was a pretty big deal a minute ago.
Yeah, well, that was before I found out you wear a piece.
Hair replacement system! Hair replacement system! You know, if you're not going to use the proper terminology, I think I'd just like to be by myself right now.
Sammy, I-I'm sorry.
It's just that you caught me by surprise.
Yeah, well, imagine how it caught me when, on the morning of August 12, 1989, I looked in the sink and I'm sorry, I thought I could talk about it.
Sam, Sam.
Sammy, it's, it's okay.
So you're blowing your feathers.
It's not the end of the world.
You know, there's a lot more to Sam Malone than just your great hair.
Really? Of course.
You're a great guy.
Handsome, sweet Oh, don't say "sweet.
" What's the matter with sweet? It's another way of saying bald.
Sam, Sam, I-I mean it.
You are a terrific, sweet guy.
I mean, anybody who would do what you just did to make someone feel better is the best friend in the world.
You don't think any less of me? Think any less of me? Oh