Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - One for the Road

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
FRASIER: Good evening, gentlemen.
What mindless divertissement occupies your waning attention span tonight? It's the, uh, National Cable Ace Awards given for excellence in all facets of cable programming.
I stand corrected.
Are you watching for any particular category? Yes, the most impressive display of female flesh in the, uh, tight-fitting dress.
You're watching for cleavage.
Living for cleavage.
Stunning super model Kim Alexis is listed as a presenter.
Yeah, Kim Alexis.
Boy, how often her lovely form has graced the pages of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue, huh? Yeah.
And how often some youngster slipped underneath the blankets with a flashlight and looked at the same issue while their mother pounds on the door and says, "It's past your bedtime, Clifford!" (chuckles) Or whatever the lad's name happens to be.
(theme song begins) Sometimes you wanna go Where everybody knows your name And they're always glad you came You wanna be where you can see Our troubles are all the same You wanna go where everybody knows your name.
Hey, Dr.
Crane, you know, tomorrow's the big day I'm getting sworn in in Boston City Council.
Oh, yes, the beginning of your political career.
It started out as a small joke and turned into an enormous one.
Yeah, and listen, I was wondering if maybe you could help me out with the speech I'm giving.
Well, of course I'll take a look at it, Woody.
Where is it? Well, I, you know, I was wondering if maybe you could write it for me.
All right, I'll be your speech writer, Woody.
What ideas would you like to incorporate? Okay.
Looks like I'm gonna need one more favour.
(chuckling) Welcome to Cheers.
Can I take your order, handsome? Can I be your order, handsome? Cutty Sark neat, please.
Would you like that in a glass or shall I pour it over myself and let you lick it off? Come on, Carla, this happens to be my guy.
Yeah, well, I can fix that in ten minutes.
Five- if I use jumper cables and a wet towel.
Listen to me- "my guy.
" That feels good to say, "my guy.
" Hi.
(giggling) Hi.
Oh, uh, Rebecca, listen.
There's something really important I've been wanting to ask you all night, but, uh, I guess I'm just too nervous.
Uh, well, y-you know, I'm a plumber and I'm not very good with words and, uh Oh, why don't we just forget it.
No! No-no-no-no! Wait, wh-why don't you just sit here and relax and, uh, you think about that question you want to pop and, uh, I-I'll get us some champagne so that we can celebrate the answer.
TV ANNOUNCER: And our next presenters are Salman Rushdie and Dr.
(applause) (remote clicks) Sleepy time down South, huh? Hey, everybody.
CLIFF: Hey, Sam.
Sam, come here, you're just the guy I want to talk to.
Come here.
Where have you been? Well, the sex compulsion therapy group thing.
We're all real proud of you with that.
How's that thing going? Uh, slow but painful.
This week I'm not gonna think about sex at all or even hear about or talk about anything remotely sexual.
Sam, it's about my love life.
Yeah, that should be safe.
Listen, I think the most important thing in my life is about to happen.
Don is gonna propose to me.
Oh! No, shh! REBECCA: But he's having a little bit of a hard time he's sort of shy and he can't really spit it out, so I'm gonna coax him along by giving him a little champagne.
Do you think that's a good idea? Oh, that's the best idea I've ever heard.
Listen, uh, let me buy the champagne the best stuff I've got.
Best stuff.
Wh-Wh-Which is the best stuff? Uh, it's the bottle with the Flintstones on it.
Wh-What you watchin' there, guys? The Cable Ace Awards, Sammy.
We're breathlessly awaiting the appearance of stunning super model, Kim Alexis.
She the one with the great Yeah, yeah.
See you.
Aw, poor Sammy.
NORM: Breaks my heart.
First the man has to give up drinking and now women.
Boy there's no way in hell Clifford C.
Clavin could ever give up babes.
(chuckles) I'd explode.
I know where you're coming from.
You've got to understand, Don.
I've always been at a disadvantage.
(sighs) See, I was born with only one erogenous zone, and unfortunately, it covers my entire body.
That's why I've had to work extra hard to get to where I am today.
Frankly, Carla, uh, I don't think I could satisfy you.
I'm not sure the men of Desert Storm could satisfy you.
Carla, will you excuse us? Don and I are in the middle of a very important conversation.
So are we.
Carla, shoo! Okay, I'll leave you alone with your handsome plumber.
Don Mm.
You, uh, you said that you had something that you wanted to ask me? Well Rebecca, we've only known each other a very short time, and but in that time, I've come to care for you very deeply.
And I've been happier with you than anyone else and I I don't want that happiness to ever end.
Rebecca, will you m-m-m-marry me? (gasping): Oh, Don! Of course I won't! Huh? What? That was, that was a mistake.
Ask me again.
Will you marry me? No! Oh! What the hell is happening?! Rebecca, are you okay? Yeah.
D-D-Don, hold it.
Just sit there one second.
(sotto voce): "Rebecca will you marry me?" Oh, I love you so much, Don.
Of course I'll marry you.
Yes, yes, yes, yes.
Okay, Don, ask me quick.
Rebecca, will you marry me? Never! Oh! I don't know what's happening! Oh, well, I do! You obviously don't feel about me the way I feel about you.
See you around, Rebecca.
Nice knowing you.
(sobbing) Rebecca Rebecca, are you all right? Yes, thank you! Oh, God! Oh, I just let the man that I love walk right out of my life.
Oh, please, Frasier, go get him.
Oh, okay, of course.
Wait! Wait a minute.
Maybe I said no because deep down inside, I know that we haven't known each other long enough.
(sighs) Yet if he walks out now, I may never see him for the rest of my life.
Oh, come on, girl.
Take a chance.
All right.
Go, go, go, go! No! Hold it! No, I mean, maybe, maybe I know that this just isn't the right thing to do, deep down inside.
Wait a minute, I've got it.
I've got it.
I-I'm just gonna do nothing.
Absolutely nothing.
I'm just gonna sit down here and pretend like the whole thing was a dream.
(shouting): Run, Don! Run! Run like the wind! Norm, hey, Norm, new category.
This may be the end of our long, dark night.
TV ANNOUNCER: And now to present the award for best writing in a movie or miniseries, here are super model, Kim Alexis and Hall of Fame player and coach, Mike Ditka.
(hooting) (barking) (barking) Thank you.
Thank you.
You know, Coach, I was wondering, which one of us has had the most coverage in Sports Illustrated? No contest, Kim.
That would be me.
Oh, you mean because you've had so many great years on the gridiron as being both a player and a coach, right? No, I mean because when I've seen you in the magazine, you've had very little coverage at all.
Oh, you.
(hooting) (hooting) (laughing) You know, I think it's unfair.
I think that they should do an issue featuring swimsuits for men.
Great idea.
The only thing is, the ladies have to model the suits.
(howling) (hooting) Coach, you're incorrigible.
I don't write it, I just say it.
Shall we present the nominees for best writing of a movie or miniseries? Why not? Okay.
The nominees are: Jerry Burger, Tulsa Farewell.
(applause) Diane Chambers, The Heart Held Hostage.
(applause on TV) Rhonda Kizowski, A Dream of Gladiolas.
Did you hear that? Did my ears deceive me? What's the matter, Dr.
Crane? Well, I thought I heard Diane Chambers' name in that list of nominees.
Robert Vanderveer and Kenneth Montoya for Tris Tristan and Isolde Get a Place in Jersey.
And the winner is (drum roll) Diane Chambers, The Heart Held Hostage.
(applause on TV) (dramatic music playing) Can it be? Is it really her? Thank you all.
And thank you, cable television, for allowing those of us who eschew the pap and pablum of commercial television to sing, to dance, to write and to listen to the whispers of our muses.
Although sometimes the voices of Calliope, Clio, Erato, Euterpe, Melpomene, Polyhymia, Terpsichore, Thalia and Urania are too soft to be heard.
Forgive me, gals, if I forgot someone.
God, is it her.
Thanks to my parents for conceiving and bearing me.
Although both wanted a boy locked as were so many of their generation in masculine primacy.
Anyhow, where to begin? Guess we, better go tell Sammy the romance of his life is on national TV.
Yeah, well, she was once the romance of my life, too, Norm, or are you forgetting? She dropped you like a bad habit.
Sorry I didn't bring that up.
Thanks to the Amazon Rain Forest for providing me and you, ladies and gentlemen, with 40% of our oxygen.
The devastation must end! Woody, I want you to look at the television and tell me what you see.
Uh, the television isn't even on.
(sighs) (chuckling): I just must be having one of my little spells.
Thanks to you, Sylvia Plath Whoa! This is a doozy! Let me say this, your tragic story will be my next project.
Hey Woody, lock up for me, will you? I'm gonna take off.
Oh, Lord, I tell you, that Kim Alexis is hot.
Look to her right.
Thank you, Dr.
Wendell Brandt Oh, my God.
For believing in and inspiring a gangly (orchestra playing) college freshman in creative writing.
It was Dr.
Wendell Burgoyne who was my creative writing teacher (orchestra plays dramatic passage) My entire script was written on recycled paper.
You have to be taught to hate.
So, local girl makes good.
Ah, well, here's to Diane and her success.
Well, I'm gonna do you one better there.
I think I'm gonna send her a telegram of congratulations.
You know, it's kind of the classy thing to do.
H-H-Hold it.
Wait a minute.
Why would you be sending a telegram to my hallucination? Unless, it's not a hallucination.
What-what-what are you talking about? The Oh, yeah.
Oh, yes.
Yes, it is.
As a matter of fact, this, this whole thing is part of the hallucination.
(all agreeing) Wow.
I must have been in a car accident.
I'm probably in a hospital right now, hooked up to a bunch of machines, barely clinging to life.
That's that's probably true.
What a relief.
(phone ringing) Cheers.
Hello, Sam.
Well, hello there.
Thanks for the lovely telegram.
How did you find me? Uh, Frasier, uh, you know, has a colleague who's kind of a shrink to the stars in L.
Oh, well, I'd hardly call myself a star.
Well, I didn't say you were.
Well, I didn't say you did.
Yeah, anyway, you know, he knew somebody who knew somebody who knew somebody who'd kind of heard of you.
I'm sorry I haven't been in touch.
I've been terribly busy.
Well, there's no need to apologize.
Uh, life's been great for you.
It's been great for me, too.
Oh really, Sam? Is life okay for you? Okay? You kidding me? Ah, it couldn't be better, you know.
Business is great, family's great.
Hair is thicker than ever.
Family? You're married? Well, you didn't think I was gonna wait around for you for the rest of my life, did you? I didn't say that.
I didn't say you did.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Great gal.
Yeah, great kids, too.
You know, they sure grow up fast, don't they? What about you, Diane, you, you got children? I have three.
Well, we have four.
That's, uh, that's-that's one more than you, I guess.
Well, anyway, he's a wonderful man.
You'd like Reed.
Well, if you're ever in Boston, make sure you, uh, you bring him over to the bar.
Well, you know, actually, I have been meaning to come back to Boston.
I've been invited to speak at almost all my alma maters.
I was afraid of running into problems.
But maybe we will come back now that we've been invited.
I'll have to check Reed's schedule.
You do that.
Yes, uh, sure hope you can make it.
Thank you.
I hope so, too.
Well, bye, Diane.
Sammy Why did you invite her here when you're lying about being married? You kidding me? She'll never show up here.
Besides, she's the one who's lying about being married.
How do you know? Because I know the woman.
I know she's lying.
Fortunately, I also know that she knows that I know she's lying, which is why she'll never dare show her face in Boston.
She's coming.
How's it going, Cliffie? Aw, I'm in no mood to talk.
(cheering) Aw, guys, thanks for cheering me up with your humour.
Okay, I'll tell you what's bothering me.
Oh, please, dear God, Let this be a story about the post office.
There's this, uh, there's this guy down at work, Marty Furman.
Don't you people know from sarcasm? There's a supervisor's position going on in my department and Marty's the guy who, uh, is in charge of deciding who gets it.
And wouldn't you know it, every flunky and his cousin is kissing up to him like there's no tomorrow.
Why does this bother you so much, Cliff? Oh, because I rightfully deserve that job, but I'm not going to stoop to their level.
No siree, Bob.
Everything I've gotten in my life I've gotten on merit.
That explains your meteoric rise.
"I believe I was elected to the city council "as an agent of change.
"And I fully intend to live up to that pledge.
I will make change.
" No, change "change" to "a change.
" What? No, see in here, you make change.
There, you make a change.
So just make the change.
Change, "make change" to "make a change.
" Oh, just change it! Well, I think I see why Dr.
Crane never cures anybody.
You know, I couldn't help but overhear your little speech there, Wood.
It was very interesting what you said about cronyism.
You're gonna have to be strong, though.
A lot of people are gonna put a lot of pressure on you.
Imagine an old pal who's been out of work, a real good friend who hasn't worked in years.
The guy could be fully trained as I don't know let's say, an accountant.
But now? He spends all his time in a bar running up a tab that he'll never be able to pay off.
You could probably help that poor soul, Woody.
Pull a few strings down at City Hall, get the guy a job.
(sobbing): But you you wouldn't do that, would you? Because you're a man of honour and principle and integrity.
I'll see what I can do, Mr.
I'll need $500 a week and a car.
Did Don call? No.
I'm sorry, sweetheart.
What a loser I am.
I'm so bad I should form a club of losers.
You know, that's something I could win president of the losers club.
Sweetheart, you-you look like you slept in that dress.
I did.
And I may wear it for the rest of my life.
Who would care? In a couple of days, we all will.
This is the dress that I lost my guy in.
If you hear a scream and a thud just keep drinking.
I don't think I'm getting any work out of her today.
She doesn't do anything, anyway.
And she doesn't start that until noon.
Hello, everyone.
(screaming) Nice to see you, too, Carla.
Diane What are you doing here? (screaming) You invited me, remember? (screaming) Carla, relax.
We're just here for a visit.
We? Yes, I'm with my husband, Reed.
He's parking the car.
I wanted to bring the children but they're in school.
Oh, great.
How-how great that is.
Sam, Reed and I would love to take you to lunch.
Is your wife about? Yes.
Yes, she's about.
Um, I'll just, uh, get my wife, Rebecca.
Yes, uh, my wife Rebecca.
Excuse me, a second.
Woody One, two Oh.
Rebecca, sweetheart, you have to be my wife.
Oh, now sure, I can say "yes" to you, because you mean about as much to me as a rat's patootie.
Listen, honey, I, I want you to understand, see, I lied to Diane.
You remember Diane? Well, she's back.
Anyway, I-I-I told her that I was married because I knew she'd never show up.
But she's here with her husband.
So, please, you got to be my wife, just for lunch.
I don't know, Sam.
Look, please, please, I'll owe you a big one.
All right.
After losing the only man I ever loved, lunch should hit the spot.
Thank you.
Thank you, sweetheart.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
You're such a friend.
And you're such a mess.
Uh, tell you what, why don't we fix you up a little then ooh, then we'll fix you up a lot.
I'm sorry, Diane.
I got a little carried away when I first saw you.
I'm all right now.
Lovely to see you.
Thank you.
When will you be leaving? Hello, Woody.
Well, hi, Miss Chambers.
What's new in your life? Oh, well, you know, I, uh, got married, and I'm gonna have a kid.
Wonderful! Yeah.
Oh, also I just got elected to the Boston City Council.
How nice.
And I'm next in line for the throne of England.
Really? Well, you know, maybe we'll work together someday.
You know, hammer out a treaty or something.
Hello, Diane.
Hello, Frasier.
You're looking well.
I'm feeling well.
I'm happily married with a bright young son and a successful practice.
But, you know, what's most important and I just realized it this moment is I'm over you.
I'm glad.
There's absolutely nothing here anymore.
I'm over you.
You could be a-a total stranger for all I'm feeling.
You could be ugly and gnarled and toothless without that shining hair, those dancing eyes, these graceful, supple limbs.
Thank God I'm free.
Frasier, you're hurting me.
Well, you never hurt me, did you?! Anyway, good to see you.
DIANE: Norman, Clifford.
You're exactly the way I remember you.
Well, uh, looks can be deceiving there, Diane.
I mean, our-our lives have changed in innumerable ways.
How so? Well, uh, if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Uh, Diane.
Come on, come on, come on.
Uh, Diane, I'd like you to, uh, I'd like you to meet my wife, Rebecca.
Hello, Rebecca.
So you're Mrs.
Sam Malone.
Pretty nice, huh? And she's a real pig today compared to what she usually looks like.
Hi, honey.
So, Sam, Rebecca, this is my Reed.
Reed Manchester.
Hi, Sam.
How you doing? Nice to meet you.
Well, awkward silences always make me hungry.
(laughs) Yeah, me, too.
Why don't we, uh, why don't we go up to Melville's for lunch? Oh, Melville's, of course.
That's perfect.
So, uh, Sam, Diane tells me you used to be a relief pitcher for the Sox.
Yes, that's right.
So, uh, what was your best pitch? My best pitch.
Uh, gee, that'd be, uh, "Say baby, what's your sign?" (chuckles) That, uh, Miss Chambers' husband seemed like a nice guy.
She'll make him pay for it.
If she's left him a shred of manhood, it's only because she's waiting for the right moment to-to flick it away like the last shrivelled pea on her plate.
Thank God I'm over her.
Hit me, Woody! Four fingers of the meanest swill you got! And all my life, I've wanted to be a documentary film maker.
That certainly is interesting.
So, Rebecca, tell us about yourself.
Sam never mentioned what you do.
He didn't? Well, it never came up.
Well, uh (clears throat) I am a corporate attorney with the firm Emerson Lake and Palmer.
That sounds familiar.
Yeah, they're a pretty famous group.
Listen, um And what I specialize in there is, uh, is product liability cases.
That was good.
I mean, is good.
Because, uh, it's a good job she has.
Oh, yeah.
And you still find time to raise four small children? Oh, they're not so small.
Uh, Sam Junior is, uh, five.
And, um, then Darby's four.
And, uh, Newton's three.
And then, uh, little two-year-old Chelsea, she's one.
Well, here's to marriage and children and the dawn of a great new friendship.
(sobs loudly) (sobbing): Don! Why did you have to mention Don? (sobbing) She-she's, uh, she's very sentimental.
You see, we, uh, we-we met at dawn, and it's her, uh, favourite time of day.
Come on, sweetheart.
Sit up there and dry those tears of joy.
(sobbing) Rebecca.
I got to talk to you.
I've been up all night thinking about this, and I'm miserable without you.
You got to marry me! You got to marry me, and this time I won't take no for an answer.
I love you.
Hi, Sam.
How you doing? Huh? I will marry you! (laughing) (Rebecca shrieks) I said yes! I did it! Oh, Don, thank God you came back for me! (moaning) Oh, Sam, you don't mind, do you? No.
Oh, uh, uh, have a good day, Sam.
SAM: You, too.
She's interesting.
All right, all right, I admit it.
I'm not married; I lied.
I don't know why I did it; It was a stupid thing.
Well, Sam, you'll find someone eventually.
SAM: No, don't do that.
Don't-don't-don't feel sorry for me.
I hate that worse than anything.
REED: Listen, Sam, Diane told me about your past together.
Maybe this public humiliation is the clean break you needed.
Maybe now you can get on with your life.
Aw, you see why I love him? Okay, you want to tell me just what the hell this is all about? Who are you? He's, uh, he's a friend.
Oh, now I'm a friend.
Gee, I'm honoured.
Tell me, friend, why did you leave our place in Malibu yesterday without so much as a word of explanation? You made me track you down across country just like some sort of a gumshoe.
After seven years together, I think I deserve better.
Is he the reason you left me, Reed?! (chuckling): God, no! Look, I-I'm just, I'm just doing a favour for Diane.
Okay, you're very good at explaining things.
Only this time, you're not quite good enough.
Well, wait! Please, Kevin wait! I was I-I'm sorry, Diane.
Muffin, come back! So then what happened? So the next thing we know, Diane turns up here with her husband and asks to meet Sam's wife.
Holy moly.
CLIFF: Yeah, yeah.
Then Sam goes back there and grabs our fair Rebecca, introduces her as Mrs.
Malone, then they toddle on up there to, uh, Melville's for lunch.
Man, oh, man, oh, man.
Which ought to be very interesting because Rebecca's been a total gibbering idiot ever since Don dumped her.
Damn it all.
Everything neat happens when I'm not here! I always miss everything! Yeah.
Oh, Don! You put me down, you big crazy thing! You're gonna throw out your big muscular back! Oh, I'm never letting you go again, Rebecca.
Oh, Woody, Rebecca will be gone the rest of the evening, and I hope you can do without her because I can't.
We're going out to make love in the, uh, swan boats in the public gardens.
Couldn't you just eat us alive? REED: Kevin, Kevin, Kevin! I was pretending to be Diane's husband to fool her old boyfriend.
She's helping me write a Tales From the Crypt! It's that simple! Very imaginative story.
Reed, I put up with your astronaut, your anchorman and your all-pro quarterback! But this is it.
I'm leaving.
Please! You can just give me one last chance! I missed something, didn't I? We're pathetic.
How so? Sam, you just spent the afternoon pretending to be married to a woman who's the emotional equivalent of Mr.
Toad's Wild Ride and who's desperately in love with another man.
Yeah, well at least I didn't fly across the country to make an ass out of myself.
Why bother when you do it so brilliantly right here? The only reason why I went through all of this is so you wouldn't get the wrong idea.
And what idea was that? That my life was empty.
That without you I'm lost and alone with nothing to live for.
I mean, that's why you came here, right, to see something like that? I came back on a quest for the truth.
And you just brought along your one-man Warren Commission there, huh? You want the truth? You know, I'm gonna tell you the truth.
My, my life is so full it's, it's unbelievable.
Well, tell me about it.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
I'm sorry, sister.
You don't walk out of here for six years and then waltz back in and expect to hear my story.
You know, I don't, I don't tell about my very rich and-and full life with just anybody, you know? That's exactly as I feared.
You're angry at me for leaving you.
I don't have time to be angry, honey.
I too much to do.
When I went away to finish my novel, I promised to come back to you in six months.
And I meant to.
But well once the book was finished, the publishers didn't want it.
I never figured out why exactly.
But then my agent suggested that I trim a couple of thousand pages and make it a screenplay.
Could we hurry this along, please? You know, my, my schedule's a real bear.
I didn't want to come back until I was successful, Sam.
But six months became a year and by then I'd waited too long.
Oh, what are we doing? This is for the best.
I mean, y-you and I just don't work together.
Yeah, we had great sex, you know? A couple times there, we had to perform CPR on each other.
But, uh, you know, other than that, we're a total mismatch.
I think we proved that again today, don't you? I guess we did.
If it makes you feel any better, I don't have a full life.
I have my career, some associates, no family, a few friends, and of course my muse.
Even Reed is just my dog groomer.
Sometimes I feel a little lonely, but that's the life I chose for myself.
So good-bye, Sam.
Oh, this is silly.
Oh, wait-wait-wait, hold on a second.
Before you run out of here, can you do me one little favour, please? This isn't what you used to mean by favour, is it? Come here.
Come on.
Sit down.
You know, it's just that they, uh, they have this great dessert here, but you have to order it for two.
What kind of dessert is it? Well, they start with ice cream.
I love ice cream.
Oh, no, but this is the best ice cream.
It's sweet, rich, creamy.
What do they do to it? Cover it with lots and lots of thick raspberry sauce all over.
All over? They can't stop themselves.
Sounds so sinful.
There's more.
More? What more could they do? Well, they heat up the raspberry sauce.
How hot do they get it? How hot would you like it? Can I interest you folks in dessert? Just the check, please.
Ladies and gentlemen, our new City Councilman, Woody Boyd.
(whistles) Thank you.
You know, I want you all to know that at City Hall I may be councilman, but around here I'm just your old pal, the Honourable Mr.
(laughing): That's very funny, Woody.
Of course, we all know you're joking.
But the truth be told, you know we all see you in a, well, a different light now.
You've taken on a certain dignity and weight with this office, and you will be treated accordingly.
Well, thank you, Dr.
Hey! Lonesome Cowpie, I'm dry over here! Right away, sir.
Well, Kelly, you must be very proud of your husband.
Oh, yes, I certainly am, Dr.
You know, the city of Boston has lots of problems.
I can't imagine what they might be, but I know Woody is the man to solve them.
I hope you're right.
After all, we have to make the town a safe place for little Woody Jr.
To be driven through on his way to private school.
An inspiring thought.
Yes, sir, I will.
I-I'll see you in the morning.
Thank you very much, sir.
Thank you.
Well, everybody, congratulate me.
I am now employed by the City of Boston.
ALL: Hey! And I have this man to thank for it.
Oh, hey, no problem, Mr.
I know you're gonna work very hard.
Yeah, of course, Wood.
Hey, this kind of makes you my boss, huh? Oh, yeah, in a way, but you know, deep down and above all, and through everything else, we're friends.
Oh, of course.
No man ever had a better one.
I feel the same way.
I may be late tomorrow.
I wouldn't recommend it, Peterson.
Hey, everybody, guess what.
We got married! ALL: Hey! We just ran off to the Justice of the Peace before we could change our minds.
We're a little bit crazy, aren't we? She's a whole lot crazy, and I'm not at all.
That averages out to just a little.
Well done, Don! You, you grabbed yourself a real, a really, a totally Well, you got Rebecca! Say, Don, here, have a seat.
Let me get you a drink, huh? Thanks, Doc.
Oh, sweetheart, I'll just be over here.
Okay, hubby.
Don't you stop loving me! (sobbing): I married a plumber! Oh, God! I'm the wife of a plumber! We're gonna have a whole bunch of little plumbers.
And the horrible part of it is that he's too good for me.
Gee, Miss Howe, I mean, Mrs.
Sandtry, I, uh And my name's Mrs.
Sandtry! Well, I think Don's gonna make a great husband.
Well, of course, he is, Woody.
I just have a little case of the wedding day jitters.
And I know I love Don with all my heart.
And until he finds out how screwed up I am and he dumps me, we are gonna have the most wonderful marriage.
Hear-hear, huh? Say good-bye to the old Cliff Clavin.
ALL: Good-bye! Say hello to the new Cliff Clavin, the new assistant supervisor of sub-district A, grid L.
ALL: Good-bye! This, I'm here for.
Well, Cliffie, I guess buying all those gifts really paid off, huh? Yeah, yeah, Norm.
You know, I was forced into it.
I mean, everybody else was doing it.
But there's no shame in kissing up as long as it's a honest display of affection for those in authority.
You know, I guess the box of steaks and a ham radio is really a small price to pay for this kind of advancement.
Yeah, well, I had to up the ante a bit.
Yeah, I'm, uh, putting on a family room on his house.
But I can hold my head up high.
You see, he's got to furnish it himself.
Yeah, you see, once that pool table is delivered, I'm out.
Hey, wait a minute, where's Sammy? Hey, Woody, was he at the swearing in? I didn't see him.
Oh, no! Has anyone seen Sam since yesterday when he was upstairs with Miss Robin Deadbreast? Oh, no! Man, I slipped up! I let down my guard! Anything that happens now is my fault.
What was I thinking?! Well, Carla, for God's sakes, relax! I mean, just look around you.
Woody's got a new position.
Norm's got a job.
Cliff's got a promotion.
Rebecca's got a husband! I mean, this is the best day in the history of Cheers! Nothing could go wrong today.
Hey, everybody.
Diane and I are together again.
Did you hear what I said? I said, we're a, we're a couple.
As a matter of fact we're, uh, we're getting married.
Fellas, I just said we're getting married.
I think a little reaction's in order, don't you think? I knew it.
I knew it the minute- the second I laid eyes on her, all those years ago, that it was the worst moment of my life.
I knew that she was gonna ruin everything someday! This is it.
Hey, Carla, don't you think it's time to give that up? Never.
Carla I wasn't going to tell you this, but maybe you should hear it.
The screenplay for which I was so extravagantly honoured was based on your life.
You were my inspiration.
Really? Yes.
It's the story of a resilient, hard working mother, bucking all odds to raise her six children.
Six? I got eight.
Good God! You breed like a fly! Well, uh, this movie- people liked it? They loved it, Carla.
People were inspired by the plight of my heroine.
Yeah? Well, what happens to me? I mean, you know, to her, in the end.
Well out of the despair and frustration of her unmanageable life, she goes berserk and takes out a few people with an Uzi.
That cost me the Humanitas Award.
Diane you know, I've said a lot of horrible and hateful things to you over the years Well, if I said something nice now, would you get all yucky? You have my word I won't.
Well Diane, I Nah.
Life's too short.
FRASIER: So, Sam, uh, you and Diane are back together, just like that, after six years of separation.
Six years of growing and evolving and self-discovery, deciding what we want from life and realizing that we don't have it.
SAM: Yeah, besides, uh, last night, we both discovered we still like the same desserts.
Yeah, anyway, what the hell, you know? I've always wanted to live in California.
(murmurs of surprise and shock) You leaving us, Sam? Well, yeah, Woody.
Yeah, I am.
You know? It's time for me to move on, you know? Face new challenges and-and Diane said she'd get me a job at the juice bar in her health club.
FRASIER: Well, I had no idea you had such exciting prospects.
By all means go for it, Sam! Here's kiwi in your eye! NORM: Sammy California?! Riots, smog, earthquakes? Don't make me laugh, now.
There's no earthquakes in California.
There aren't? No, there's never been any! See, what they tell us are earthquakes are actually sonic booms caused by a project that's been funded by the U.
You see, what they're doing is they're creating a huge cavity a tunnel, if you will- right to the centre of the Earth, where they're gonna build a giant computer to control the planet's rotation.
Can I can I be the only one that's heard of this? You know, Cliff, electro-shock therapy only sounds scary.
Let me bring in a colour brochure.
It features Babar.
Uh, can I get one? I'll bring in a boxful! Can we just get back on the subject here? Sam is leaving us, okay? WOODY: So, uh, Sam, what are you gonna do about the bar? Well, I thought I'd let Rebecca run it for a while, then, afterwards, I'll sell what's left for kindling.
SAM: Aw, come on, you guys! Lighten up, man.
That's a joke.
FRASIER: Sam, can I ask you a question? And I mean this as a caring, supportive friend.
Have you lost your freaking mind?! What are you talking about? The two of you had a relationship whose best moments were full of anguish and self-loathing.
After ten hours with this woman, you want to give up your life, your livelihood, and move with her to California?! Hey, you want to get off my case, fellas? You know, I think you're turning on me 'cause I just want to get my life going here.
I mean, look at me: What've I got? No family, no future, nothing to look forward to.
CARLA: Sammy I can't believe this is happening.
Yeah, I can't either, Carla.
Yeah, after all the cheer leading I've done for you guys, even when I knew you were making mistakes.
Oh, so you want us to return the favour? Yes, yes, I do And I'm not making a mistake.
NORM: Sammy what's gonna happen to us? Come on, you guys.
I mean, all you fellas do is just sit there and watch the world go by.
You don't need me for that.
I want to get off the bench, you know? I want to get in the game.
So, you just gonna desert us? You gonna just walk out, like a traitor? A traitor? I need more than this! You know, you should need more than this! I am not your mother! This is not your home! This is ridiculous.
Come on, let's just get out of here, you know? We got a plane to catch.
Thank you very much for all your best wishes, fellas, and for making it clear that I'm doing the right thing.
Come on, sweetheart.
I'm sorry, everyone.
This is the best for Sam, believe me.
(door shuts) I gave that man the best years of my life.
CLIFF: Yeah We'll get along without him.
Sure life goes on.
Oh, Sam, you're not still thinking about what those people said at the bar, are you? No, don't be silly.
Furthest thing from my mind.
It does bug you, though, doesn't it? The way they thought we didn't know what we were doing? I mean, we know, right? Damn right we know! CAPTAIN (over P.
): Evening, folks.
This is Captain McGovern.
I'm gonna ask the flight attendants to prepare for departure now, if they would, please.
And as soon as we get clearance from the tower, we'll be taking off.
Oh, Sam In a moment, we'll be off.
Isn't this the perfect beginning for our lives together? Taking flight.
Speeding down the runway side by side, until we lift from the ground, leaving far beneath us the tedium of ordinary life, to soar into the bright, unlimited future.
You ever hear of the Mile-High Club? Oh, Sam, naughty-naughty.
They give you bonus points for it.
CAPTAIN (over P.
): Folks, this is your captain again.
Sorry, but we're gonna be delayed here on the tarmac for a bit.
We're having a minor problem with our electrical system, and we'll need some time to check it out.
By the way, Sam, you might want to take advantage of this delay to reconsider what you're doing.
Are you really in love with this woman or are you trying to love her because you're afraid of ending up alone? Think about it.
Did you just hear that? What? What the captain said to me.
To you?! He said they were having trouble with the electrical system.
Why do you think he was talking to you personally? Oh, boy.
Oh, Sam.
Aw, this is going to be so great.
You're going to love Los Angeles.
I won't pretend it's a modern-day Athens but at least you'll feel free there, feel free to explore your own ATTENDANT (over P.
): Ladies and gentlemen, this is your flight attendant.
On behalf of your flight crew, I'd like to apologize for this delay.
We'll be coming around the cabin to make sure you have everything you need.
And, for God's sake, Diane, you're a bright, alluring woman with a great deal to offer mankind.
Will this man stimulate your gift or be an anchor, pulling you to the bottom of the sea of mediocrity? A fair question.
I'm sorry- what is? Uh, nothing.
These seats are a little tight, aren't they? Yeah yeah.
Well, you know, it's been a long time since I've flown first class.
I guess I remember it being more comfortable.
Yeah, so do I.
I guess I remember life being more comfortable.
(jet engines revving) Ah We should've flown another airline, you know.
(clears throat) Well, it's too late for that.
It doesn't make any sense to rethink a decision that's already made.
Yeah, you're right.
You're absolutely right.
A commitment is a commitment.
We wouldn't want to change things if we could.
CAPTAIN (over P.
): I'm sorry folks, but I'm afraid we're gonna be returning to the terminal.
We'll have you disembark and arrange for you to take an alternate flight.
Maybe we're being a little overcautious, but we don't want to make a mistake about something this important.
Hey You know Yes.
I think we both know.
Good night, ladies.
Thanks again.
Do you believe those three? In here every night trying to trap guys.
Yeah, yeah yeah, you'd never see any wife of mine showing her face in some bar.
She'd make more money in a sideshow.
Sam! What are you doing here? Well, we changed our minds.
I'm not going to L.
Well, where is Diane? Probably over Kansas by now.
The important thing is we came to our senses.
I knew you would, Sam.
Yeah, what do you got there, Sam? Something I've been holding onto for a while, Woody.
Uh, I thought maybe it was time to open it up.
Oh, my! A box of fine Cuban cigars.
CLIFF: Uh, Sammy I assume you realize that those are illegal in this country.
Shut up, Cliff.
Aye, aye.
You know, I was hoping you guys would, uh, join me in a smoke session tonight.
You know, kind of a welcome home party.
Cliffie, what do you say, man? Buddy, I'd love to stay, but geez, it's getting late.
I better beg off.
Oh, all right.
How 'bout you, Norm? Can't, Sammy- I came to the conclusion I've wasted too much time in this bar, like a couple of decades.
Gonna go home to Vera.
SAM: Vera? My wife.
Maybe you remember her? That is her name, isn't it? See ya.
Well, Carla, what do you say, huh? Nah.
My shift's over.
I've got to get home to the kids.
Appreciate the thought.
Maybe another time.
Doc, help me out here, man.
You want a fine cigar? Huh? I'd love to, Sam, but Lilith just called and she wants me to bring home Chinese tonight.
I I hope she meant the food.
She's been really weird lately and you know.
W-Woody, wait a minute, man.
What about you? Aw can't Sam.
I gotta leave right away.
Why? Carla's my ride.
Well, I'll give you a lift.
What-What's going on here? Why's everyone leaving? Come on, Sam.
It's not like this is our home.
Oh, man.
Gotcha! (all shouting, laughing) Pull out those smokes, Sam! Let's fumigate the place! Oh, you guys.
Diane called us with the bad news, so we thought we'd come cheer you up, Sam.
Oh, man, I thought it was something, you know, I had said earlier might have upset you.
(Frasier chuckles) No, Sam, you got to go a lot farther than that to insult us, eh? Besides, we knew that you were going through a lot of trouble lately.
We're here for you, Sammy, as long as you need us.
All except for Peterson, who has to get up in the morning.
You really know how to sink a party, don't you, Woody? Here's your bus schedule.
When are you up for re-election? (scoffs) Can you believe it? I forgot our plane tickets.
Oh, oh, oh.
Sam, I'm glad you're here.
Listen, I wanted to tell you.
I really, really like Diane.
And I know you guys are gonna have a wonderful life together.
Diane and I are finished, honey.
Ding-dong, saved by the bell.
Well, I'm off on my honeymoon.
Good-bye, you guys.
Oh, and, I just want to tell you that, um, the days that I had here at Cheers were the, they were the best days of my life.
Really? Ew.
SAM: Wh-what are you saying? You're not gonna come back and see us anymore? No, I will, every now and then, you know.
But I-I'm married now.
I-I can't just hang out in a bar all day long.
I mean, I-I have my place in the community.
Hey, by the way, did I tell you? Don got a job offer with the sewer department.
Keep your fingers crossed for us.
Can you believe that? I shoot for Donald Trump, and I end up with Ed Norton.
But you did good, Rebecca.
I did, didn't I? (gasps) (giggles): Bye.
See you, Trixie.
You know, Sam.
Hmm? You really scared us there before.
When you walked out of here today, I thought it was the last we'd ever see of you.
Yeah, yeah.
I'm sorry about blowing up like that.
I hope you understand where that was coming from.
That's all right, Sammy.
We understand.
Here you are a washed-up ballplayer, alcohol problem.
Sex problem.
Lost your one true love.
No apology necessary.
Yeah, who was I kidding, you know? Coming in here and telling you guys you don't have lives.
I guess I was really talking about myself.
God, the irony.
ALL: Irony.
One by one, I seem to be losing my, uh thrills and, uh, tingles, you know? I keep asking myself, "What-what is the point to life?" Whoo, that's a tough question.
Well, I got the answer.
Somehow, I knew you would.
Comfortable shoes.
Shoes? Yeah, if you're not wearing comfortable shoes, life is just chaos.
I mean, the greatest accomplishments in history have been made by men wearing accommodating shoes.
Uh, Frasier, tell me, who do you think is the greatest thinker in all mankind? I don't know, uh, Aristotle.
There you go.
Perhaps the most comfortable shoe there is.
You hardly even know you have them on.
I mean, Confucius, thongs.
Einstein, loose loafers.
I'll tell you what the point of life is: Having kids.
Creating life.
Sure, it's disappointing and painful, heartbreaking at times.
Sure, they can drive you crazy and make you think you just can't get through another day.
Where was I going with this? You know, some would say that the search for meaning is a, a waste of time, that all human life is just a cosmic accident, an arbitrary conglomeration of molecules evolved by chance into an organism with a brain stem, condemning it to ponder, futilely, the reason behind it all.
I know Dr.
Crane is just trying to keep the conversation lively All I know is my life would have been nothing if it weren't for all of you.
You people are as dear to me as my own family.
More so, in fact.
Really, Woody? Oh, yeah.
Well, for one thing, none of you call me Huckleberry.
I hate being called Huckleberry.
That's your nickname, Wood? No, Woody is.
Well I hate to get all mushy, but I got to say I feel pretty lucky to have the friends I do.
You know, no one wants to be the first to say it, but I'm not ashamed to admit what I think we're all feeling.
Time goes by so fast.
People move in and out of your life.
You must never miss an opportunity to tell these people how much they mean to you.
Well, I I I I I keep coming back to that shoe thing.
(phone rings) Ooh, that's Vera.
That's Lilith.
Probably Kelly.
Could be Ma.
My kids.
Say, you know what, wait, don't answer it.
Just let whoever it is think that we're on our way.
Which is exactly where we should be.
(phone stops ringing) Hey, uh, thanks for the Perfecto, Sammy.
Thanks for staying guys.
Same to you.
Wouldn't be the same without you, Sam.
Whatever guy follows you, Sam, has some pretty big shoes to fill.
Did you hear that? Thus, it all returns to footwear.
Night, you guys.
You know, I still keep thinking though, uh, you know, I want some kind of change in my life.
You know something? I hate change.
I mean, you know, every day, you wake up, something's changed.
Everything's just changing so fast.
I like things to stay the way they are, you know? I like things you can count on.
You know, you just gave me something to think about, Woody.
Oh, I'm sorry, Sam.
I hate it when somebody does that to me.
Bye, Woody.
Night, Sam.
Sammy, I didn't want to say this in front of the others, but you know what I think the most important thing in life is? It's love.
You want to know what I love? Beer, Norm? Yeah, I'll have a quick one.
Know what, Sammy, I love that stool! If there's a heaven, I don't want to go there unless my stool is waiting for me.
And I'll tell you what, even God better not be on it.
He wouldn't he wouldn't dare.
(sighs) I don't think it matters what you love, Sammy.
Could be a person, could be a thing.
As long as you love it totally, completely, without judgment.
Know what I think? I think you ought to go home and wake up Vera with a big kiss and then (sighs) do what comes naturally.
Wake her up so she can watch me eat a bucket of buffalo wings? Yeah, well, maybe not.
(sighs) Well, I'm off.
(sighs) But, um, Sammy, can I let you in on a little secret? Sure.
I knew you'd come back.
You did? You can never be unfaithful to your one true love.
You always come back to her.
Who is that? Think about it, Sam.
(chuckles softly) Boy, I'll tell you I'm the luckiest son of a bitch on Earth.
(footsteps approaching) (knocking) Sorry, we're closed.